# Understand your Tools (Humor)



## mrdull (Feb 22, 2009)

I'M SURE MOST OF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS BUT IT IS STILL FUNNY, hope this offends no-one.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, 'Oh sh-'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.

SUBSTITUTE VOLTMETER -Holding the black wire in one hand and the white wire in the other to determine just how alive the circuit is… after that, I then applied strategic use of the damn-it tool two or three times…COURTESY OF DUSTYAL

PENCIL: An every day item found all over the house and shop until it's time to start working. At this time it
likes to hide anywhere it can including the ever-frustrating places such as behind my ear. COURTESY LocalMac.


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## PurpLev (May 30, 2008)

haha, I just saw that a couple of days ago somewhere, but it's definitely worth the repeat  thanks for the reminder…. haha


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## PG_Zac (Feb 14, 2009)

Thank you

I needed the laugh today


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## HallTree (Feb 1, 2008)

Laugh when I read it, cry when it happens to me.


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## JohnGray (Oct 6, 2007)

Thanks for the laugh.


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## craftsman on the lake (Dec 27, 2008)

Too much! Funny. Thanks, I've experience most of these.


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## GaryD (Mar 5, 2009)

Oh, the dam it tool is so true!!!!!!!


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## scottb (Jul 21, 2006)

If we weren't laughing… we wouldn't understand.


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## LocalMac (Jan 28, 2009)

Hahaha! Great post. They are all so very very true. Here's one you forgot:

PENCIL: An every day item found all over the house and shop until it's time to start working. At this time it 
likes to hide anywhere it can including the ever-frustrating places such as behind my ear.


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## dustyal (Nov 19, 2008)

... and the tool I invented just the other day: Substitute voltmeter-Holding the black wire in one hand and the white wire in the other to determine just how alive the circuit is… after that, I then applied strategic use of the damn-it tool two or three times…

I did need a grin or two this evening…


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