# Lost



## longgone (May 5, 2009)

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are-or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."


----------



## gfadvm (Jan 13, 2011)

UH OH, You done it now! This may get interesting.


----------



## HawkDriver (Mar 11, 2011)

I eagerly await the following comments…....


----------



## S4S (Jan 22, 2011)

The balloon crashed into the water . The man dove into the water and rescued her. They discovered they had more in common than they thought . They fell in love , and married , and sailed all over the world . They had many beautiful children and grandchildren , and they delighted in telling the story of how they first met .


----------



## ShopTinker (Oct 27, 2010)

That's funny…... hold on, congress is about to pass a law that all hot are balloons will come with a GPS unit and a satellite phone as standard equipment. The phone will be used to call a newly created Federal Bureau of Logistics so someone can explain what the GPS coordinates mean…... (funded by fines imposed on Hot Air Balloon manufacturers and new surcharges on nylon, propane, and wicker)


----------



## LittlePaw (Dec 21, 2009)

You sure it wasn't hot laughing gas? Actually it ended when the balloonist caught a powerful thermal, rose high into the sky disappeared and never to be heard from forever! Oh bummer!


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

They are easily able to hear one another due to the laws of Fiction.


----------



## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

thank´s for the morning laugh fok´s …. ))

preciated it , it will make the next 24 hours on the job alot easyer …. L J´s rock

Dennis


----------



## snowdog (Jul 1, 2007)

2012 is come don't let anyone split the vote


----------



## KoryK (Jan 14, 2011)

Love it!!


----------



## 280305 (Sep 28, 2008)

Jonathan,

You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level.

The boat could be in a lake which is 2,346 feet above sea level. The balloon is only 30 feet above the lake.


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

Love it, Greg!


----------



## ArlinEastman (May 22, 2011)

You have to love humor hahaha
Arlin


----------



## Maverick44spec (Aug 7, 2011)

LOL, that was a funny joke.


----------



## EPJartisan (Nov 4, 2009)

Again.. another piece of crap from the non-woodworking forum… and another "buddy" bites the dust.


----------



## murch (Mar 20, 2011)

I have always enjoyed wit and irony. Great joke Greg.


----------



## Viktor (Jan 15, 2009)

What was the Republican doing sitting in a boat on a dry land south of Mertzon, Texas giving erroneous altitude information? Awaiting for the Great Flood?


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

No. He heard that W actually stood up to pee at that spot and was looking for evidence for the presidential library.


----------



## nailbanger2 (Oct 17, 2009)

EPJartisan, un-buddy someone for telling a joke? Even political or religious, that's a pretty strong reaction. Now I could see it if it was a bad joke….


----------



## Viktor (Jan 15, 2009)

It was a great joke in the original version (with engineer and manager), but as with most plagiarized things this one suffers from poorly fitted behavioral pattern. You see, it is not enough to just substitute characters. Mind you, same joke with antagonist and protagonist swapped told during the end of Bush administration wouldn't have worked well either.


----------



## Grandpa (Jan 28, 2011)

I knew it would finally get around to being *BUSH'S FAULT*. Do you miss him yet?

On TV, as I am writing this, they are blaming the hurricane and it not being cleaned up already on George W.


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the lilac water.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife as no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."


----------



## murch (Mar 20, 2011)

David Grimes - LMFAO. Less P.C. and more jokes. That's what I say.


----------



## Grandpa (Jan 28, 2011)

too funny David just too funny. could be talking about the next president….??


----------



## lumberdog (Jun 15, 2009)

This is no place for lame ass political jokes


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

Fair weathered buddies we can all do without. Flip the political affiliation and I'd still laugh just as hard. Why are people who are so against the non-shop-talk forum such frequent visitors? I'm a far-right gun-toting Republican, so if you need to adjust your buddy list, my screen name is bertha.


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

I agree with Lumberdog….good thing David's joke was FAR from lame ass….it was damn funny


----------



## murch (Mar 20, 2011)

Good for you *Bertha*. You need a buddy who is a raving communist, that wants all fire-arms banned with strong views in favour of free housing, food and medical for any-one that doesn't feel like working.* ))*

I can only imagine the sparks flying lol


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

I had to adjust my buddy list…. just added Bertha


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

^Murch, luckily for both of us, my fiance' is an ex-peace corp, Obama campaign working, bleeding heart liberal. It keeps me in check at home but when I'm on lumberjocks (the non-shop-talk forum specifically), I can get away with a bit more (at least I used to be able to)

Seeing as how I already financially support all those causes you list, it would appear that I'm at least somewhat for them; against my will, like most things


----------



## longgone (May 5, 2009)

This is the non-shop talk forum and myself and many other Lumberjocks like jokes…unlike some lumberjocks who apparently think they have the right to tell others what should or should not be posted in a *non-shop talk forum.* If you do not like jokes or if you are a person who thinks you are the decision maker of what is humorous or not…then don't read it.


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

I like jokes.

A man walks into the non-shop-talk forum with a parrot on his shoulder…


----------



## S4S (Jan 22, 2011)

I heard a great political joke on NST forum just the other day. I shared it with MsDebbieP. Want to hear it ?

*cr1*...." We should have just burned Iran and Iraq with nukes and been done with it. Not to late .

*RockyTopScott* " Cr1…i agree let 'em have it ." Isn't that hilarious ! I love jokes about genocide the most !

So if you want to become a political humorist , just mosey on over here to NST forum . You can say any thing you want about anyone . Don't worry about it . Its the non-flag zone .

But kids , please don't use* offensive* words ;

Instead of the ' F ' word , just use ' Fornicate '

Instead of the ' S ' word , just use ' Feces '

Instead of the 'C ' word , just use ' Whore ' These words are more 'woodworker ' friendly .

And you don't have to use big words , children , like ' Genocide ' . You can just say " All the Mommies and Daddies and puppies and kittens are burned up and dead , dead , Dead .

Ha….Ha…Ha …..F'n ha .


----------



## S4S (Jan 22, 2011)




----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

^Like I said, moment, I like jokes. All kinds, really.
I do not, however, endorse burned up puppies.
I like puppies. All kinds, really.
Of all people, I'm surprised that you're supporting any manner of censorship


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

^link to order shirt. That's awesome. 
Moment, you remind me of my fiance', whom I love dearly. We've only recently met but I enjoy your comments thoroughly. Like my fiance', you're quick to force me to own up to my comments.
I like that about you (quite serious). I hope you don't get that ban you're always asking for because I'd miss you.
I don't miss that god aweful avatar you had for a while though


----------



## S4S (Jan 22, 2011)

That was my last post and last read of NTS fomum . I won't be back…..







I didn't say any thing about censorship.And I would be surprised that you would be surprised by anything, doc . ; )


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

A tall, muscular Somali pirate with a beautiful parrot on his soldier steps off the the ship onto the dock and strides into the weathered dockside bar. He takes a stool at the bar nearest the bartender who has his back to him at that moment. The bartender turns and is moved to immediately gush "My God, he's absolutely gorgeous. Where did you get him ?" The parrot replies, "Africa ! Where do you think ?"


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Coke and ice will ruin your teeth.

Apparently ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!!!.


----------



## pierce85 (May 21, 2011)

I like your wife, Al… and you too. ;-)

By the way, Al does have a buddy who favors socialism (not just for big corporations and Wall Street), affordable housing for all, affordable healthcare for all, affordable education for all, a living wage for all. You know, the typical "bleeding heart liberal" that believes everyone should have the same life chances from the start.

So what about guns? Personally, I think they're funner than hell (can't believe I just used that phrase). I used to own several, but moving around the country tends to put a damper on gun ownership - States' rights nonsense and all.

And, I can guarantee that there are weapons I've fired that would make Al green with envy. So there!


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

^do tell, Pierce! And you're one of many liberal friends I have and admire. As far as guns go, it takes a lot to make me green with envy but I always look forward to the possibility There are states that I refuse to enter, even their airports (and it has cost me big $ before, because of their gun policies. They don't want me, so I don't want them. I don't hate them for their policies but it is what it is.

I always choose my weapon based upon the situation.


----------



## ClayandNancy (Feb 22, 2010)

Bertha, didn't know where you stand so if you don't mind I did add you to my buddy list, we have so much in common.


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

We're like brothers, Clay and Nancy, I can feel it from here


----------



## pierce85 (May 21, 2011)

I don't have the benefit of fist-hand pics like yours, but here's a sample. It helps that I was in the military and a medic - every firing range needs a medic…




























Sorry, should have identified the weapons.

#1. M-47 Dragon - anti-tank guided missile. The ordinance for this was very expensive. So I count myself lucky that they allowed me to pull the trigger.

#2. 4-deuce mortar - no longer used as far as I know. Oh the stories. My favorite.

#3. M2 .50 caliber machine gun - it kicks a little more than a 12 gauge. ;-)


----------



## longgone (May 5, 2009)

A Lumberjock with a good gun collection…now there is a person I can relate to.


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

And how, Greg. Pierce, you've really spent some time with some heavy machinery!


----------



## dakremer (Dec 8, 2009)

They are able to hear each other because she is only 30 above ground…...pretty easily heard from 30 ft away
Great joke! very funny


----------



## lumberdog (Jun 15, 2009)

If you like a good lame ass joke, just think of G.W.Bush.


----------



## Dusty56 (Apr 20, 2008)

*DG* , , The Clinton / Bush joke was hilarious !! Thanks for the laughs : )


----------



## Maverick44spec (Aug 7, 2011)

Bertha, your gun collection made me drool a little. I can't tell, is that a MAC 10 in the corner?


----------



## fge (Sep 8, 2008)

Good joke


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. 
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' 
The manager said, 
'Make a sentence using the words 
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said, 
'The telephone goes green, green, 
And I pink it up, and say, 
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him. 
I know I have.


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

These have been around a while, but they sure made me laugh the first time I saw them. The second one is Will Farrell and his real-life daughter Pearl.


----------



## helluvawreck (Jul 21, 2010)

This is a really good one *Greg*. I'm going to show this one to my wife.


----------



## Jim Jakosh (Nov 24, 2009)

The political stuff gets too many people heated up so I decided to share a little interesting call to the sheriff's office:

"MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD"

"Hello,is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith….He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy


----------



## Maverick44spec (Aug 7, 2011)

^ LOL that was a good one.


----------



## longgone (May 5, 2009)

I like that one Jim..


----------



## pierce85 (May 21, 2011)

A local lumberyard needed to hire another yard worker. The two applicants for the job had to take a written aptitude test. The yard foreman was informing the second applicant that he would be hiring the first applicant.

*Applicant*: I don't understand. There were ten questions and we both correctly answered nine. So how come the other guy is getting the job and not me?

*Foreman*: Well, you both missed question number five.

*Applicant*: Okay, so what difference does that make?

*Foreman*: The guy we're hiring answered, "I don't Know," to that question and you answered, "Neither do I."


----------



## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

)


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

How people can hear different things…

Two guys were discussing popular
family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very generous of you, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

A doctor examining a woman, who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids.'


----------



## pierce85 (May 21, 2011)

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman. He kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman. He kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

Punch line only (so it stays somewhere between PG-13 and R):

Gomer Pyle lowered his feet to the floor and began putting his clothes back on.
"What's the matter, soldier boy?", said the experienced "escort"... his first.
"Ma'am, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I just don't think I could ever handle 67 more of them little bad boys".


----------



## longgone (May 5, 2009)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 
keep her.
Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't 
face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a 
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question.. which I have not been able to answer… is, "What does 
a woman want?
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a 
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and 
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 
George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." 
Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic 
banking. It's called marriage." 
Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second 
one didn't." The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O'Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it 
once…
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Bob Rosencrance

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he 
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have 
mine." 
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" 
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." 
Jimmy Kimmel

"Honey, what happened to 'ladies first'?" Husband replies, "That's the 
reason why the world's a mess today, because a lady went first!"
David Letterman

"First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding 
ring…soon after….comes Suffer…ing!
Jay Leno


----------



## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

an optimist is one who wnated to be married
a pessimist is one that is marriaged

the different between man and woman is when they met 
the man hope she don´t change 
and the woman knows he will


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

I like Dennis's use of "marriaged". It makes it sound more like "mortgaged".
I'm only engaged for the first time at 40 years old (I held out for the right one).
I was explaining to my fiance' how I love to feel part of these types of discussions for the first time.
She didn't quite understand what I was getting at and didn't find it as funny as I did.


----------



## Grandpa (Jan 28, 2011)

Grimes you are too funny. Al (Bertha) comes from a state where the motto is "never shot a man that didn't need it". One thing about it: If the job is done right then there is only one side of the story to tell.


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

^Pa, they don't mess around here. We've been getting some unwanted attention about a few recent cases. You're getting in your car at WalMart, having just cashed your check. A man comes from behind, puts something on your neck, and demands the money. You turn and shoot him (while he's fleeing, apparently). Even in WV, that'll be interesting to follow.


----------



## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

Bertha :
that is one ground you don´t want to tuch ….......
explaining flatfoote mancave jokes to the boss of the household ….
and if you try … then look out for falling firewood abowe you …. LOL

Dennis


----------



## Grandpa (Jan 28, 2011)

I heard about a case in the Houston area. This has been a couple of years ago. A man looked out the window and saw someone coming out of the neighbor's house. He got a gun and killed the would be thief. No charges were filed. In TX you have the right to protect your castle and the castle of your neighbor. Saved the taxpayers a lot of money too.


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

Al, I hope that arsenal you are standing in front of is unloaded, since ALL of the weapons are pointing in the general direction of your future parental *potent*ial. ;=)


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

David, like the Glock above, I just assume they aren't loaded lol.


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


----------



## superstretch (Jan 10, 2011)

Awww you guys are killing me here. We need some more GWB jokes.. either about the man or by the man himself.


----------



## longgone (May 5, 2009)

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. *How soon can I go home?*'


----------



## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

LOL :--)))


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

What is yellow, ugly, and sleeps by itself ? Yoko


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check"

Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"


----------



## longgone (May 5, 2009)

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir."

Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly.
"Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very very carefully. Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"


----------



## dbray45 (Oct 19, 2010)

Greg - Hope you don't mind, I sent your quip to the Speaker's office - Figured they could use a chuckle.

Al - I have known a few that live by the saying - "Live and let live, now get off my property before I change my mind" - leaves little to argue with, you gotta respect that especially when backed up with a 12 gauge


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

How do they tell it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch ?

When the big hand touches the little hand.


----------



## RyanShervill (Dec 18, 2007)

^^^^^Groan….......


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

OH, David, that was painful. I will use it in the next hour, guaranteed


----------

