# What NOT to say to your wife



## TheDane (May 15, 2008)

My wife just returned from a week-long trip visiting her mother out of state.

The day after she returned was recycling day, and she noticed an absence of empty beer cans in the recycling bin, which is out of character at our house.

"Didn't you drink any beer while I was gone?" she asked.

Without thinking, I replied "No dear, with you out of the house I didn't need any listening juice".

That is gonna cost me a lot!


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## Gregn (Mar 26, 2010)

LOL, That was a good one.
I get the hour long how my day went at work thing from my wife everyday. I lovingly offered solutions, but she said I don't want you to fix it just let it go in and out the other ear. So taking her advice I started acting like I was listening to her. Till the day she came home and started in and I got on the phone and started talking to a buddy. After I got off the phone she says you just ignored me. *I said isn't that what you told me to do?* Wrong thing to say at that moment. I now patiently wait till she is done with her rant.


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## TheDane (May 15, 2008)

Sounds like we are married to the same woman!


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## richgreer (Dec 25, 2009)

Shortly after we got married we had an innocent conversation about ketchup. I said that I generally don't like ketchup on my food unless the food was too dry or didn't taste right.

For 39 years I have been unable to use any ketchup under any circumstances if my wife prepared the food.


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## GregD (Oct 24, 2009)

My wife and all 3 of my daughters are like that. They have all explained to me that I am supposed to listen and try to empathize with their feelings. I haven't figured out how to do that.


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## gwurst (Nov 28, 2007)

If a man tells you about a problem he's most-likely looking for advice. Women seem to just want to bounce their frustrations off someone. I try the sympathize and move-on approach. Remember, *A HAPPY WIFE IS A HAPPY LIFE!*


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## rbterhune (Jul 31, 2009)

Greg…I think you're right but the part I don't understand is that women seem willing to just hang out with their emotions while never getting to the root of their emotion and fixing it so it doesn't happen again. I too sometimes want to bounce my frustrations off someone, but by the time I'm done, I'm looking for a fix because I don't want to feel the same thing the next day.


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## jusfine (May 22, 2010)

On the average, a man uses 352 words a day. A woman speaks 10, 428.

My wife usually uses 8579 of hers after I lie down to go to sleep…

Happily married for 34 years…but sleep deprived.


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## SnowyRiver (Nov 14, 2008)

Ha ha ha…good one. I usually dont drink beer, but then I dont have to, I'm single


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

God created the world and man in 6 days and on the 7th day he rested.
It took God 5 minutes to create a woman, and since then Nobody's rested!!!!!

And anything my wife says doesn't bother me, I have selective hearing.


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## woodnewbee (Nov 23, 2009)

Learned to quietly listen because a comment or remark that doesn't start a war seems to just incite more commentary. Gotta love em though without em I go crazy.


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## noknot (Dec 23, 2008)

The great part about not having good hearing is when anyone talks to me I listen for the jist of what there saying and if I dont like it i walk away and they thing I didnt hear them. The bad part is they can talk behind my back or anywhere they choose.


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## lilredweldingrod (Nov 23, 2009)

This very God fearing man was walking on the beach praying about his marriage problems. He suddenly blurted out, "LORD why can't you just build me a bridge between California and Hawaii. Then I could just go there and relax a bit." 
The LORD appeared in a cloud and said,"How could you ask for such a selfish thing. You should be concerned about the glorification of my name." 
The guy said, " I'm sorry LORD. I just became overwhelmed by my troubles at home." 
The LORD said, "It's not that I can't build this bridge for you but, I will grant you one wish if you can think of something that is not so selfish." 
He thinks for a while and then says, "LORD can you allow me to understand women?" 
The LORD is quiet for a bit then he says, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge, four or six?"


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Apart from my selective hearing, when I do listen to her I can hardly understand what she is saying because she never opens her mouth enough to let her out words clearly, she kinda talks through here teeth.
And it is worse when she takes them out !!!
PAX, PAX, PAX


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## noknot (Dec 23, 2008)

Roger that crossed a line Im telling


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## lilredweldingrod (Nov 23, 2009)

And you guys think you have women troubles…...Wait until you have three daughters in the middle of bitter divorces and they ALL come to dad to tell their stories of woe to, and they are all talking at the same time.

I am deaf in the left ear and have lost half in the right ear, and when more than one is talking, everything becomes one long monotone of noise.

I just take turns looking at each one and nod in a sagely way. Take a sip of coffee and wish it was scotch. I got rid of most of the mirrors to keep from having to look at my now white hair.

Hey TheDane and Gregn, reckon you might be husband-in-laws?


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Actually and honestly I can't say enough good things about my wife, she makes my life so wonderful. Over the past 2 years she has nursed me and put up with my medical problems way beyond the call of duty and has showered me with love, tenderness and understanding. We are the best team there ever was and will do literally anything for each other. We don't argue at all, I've taught that it does nothing but cause friction, so if we get miffed at each other, we split up for an hour to get our common sense back. Yes we have had differences of opinion and trauma, but they have grown up and moved away from home and have their own families now-YEAH!
It has taken my wife a long time to accept my zany ways, and introduces me to her friends as "he was an understudy in One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest and still acts the Part".


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## lilredweldingrod (Nov 23, 2009)

Roger, If I were you I'd stick to the last story if you want to avoid becoming a new machine in your shop. lol

I've had two wives. The first was from hell and the second was straight from heaven. After the first one, I was resigned to the single life. Never thought I would love another woman. Glad I was wrong. I'm living every mans dream. Oh we have a our words on occasion, but if it takes more than a few seconds to get past it, I've crossed the line. Fortunately those moments are few and far between. And most of the time our trouble is my lack of hearing. Being deaf in the left ear and half deaf in the right, I often hear things that were not said. I have learned to ask for an instant replay before I open my mouth and insert both feet.

The best advice I can give is: Never go to bed angry. Do what ever you have to do to establish peace, then go to bed. Your woman is your better half. She is your rock.


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## chrisstef (Mar 3, 2010)

Ill share one with you fellas here as well … I am recently married all though we have been together for almost 7 years … one night around 9:00 or so the wife is still yammering on about god knows what and i was nodding off in the recliner as usual when i got the "are you listening to me?" and i promptly answered "maybe you should call your mother". That one went over like a fart in a space suit. Since then i've learned to try and hold in my smart ass remarks. Love her to death though.


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## firecaster (Jan 15, 2009)

When my wife turned 40 I told her I was going to trade her for two 20 year olds. She said "You're not wired for 220".

A friend at work was talking about sticking his foot in his mouth while argueing with his wife. She said something to the effect that she guessed men quit thinking with the head on their shoulders after getting married. He said he guessed marrying a woman was like pulling the valve on a self inflating raft. I think he paid dearly for that one.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

*Lilredwelding rod:*
I have been married twice too, the first from hell and the second from Clifton, TX. The first went off with my "best friend" and left me with three children (6,4,18months) who I raised alone. I too thought that I could never trust or love another woman, but my second wife blew me away, and she too had been married before to a wife beater. I promised her I would never lay a finger on a lady - never did, never want to, and she found out I meant what I said. Trust was the hardest thing to overcome, but this lady is special and we trust each other implicitly.

*chrisstef:*
If you wife senses you are not listening, tell her the truth - "sorry dear my attention was elsewhere, can you repeat please" - that will get you out of major problems.

*firecaster:*
Yes I'm sure he did. My response to remarks like that are - "Oh, sorry, were you speaking to/about me or chewing a house brick?"


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## GregD (Oct 24, 2009)

rbterhune - regarding your response to my last post - I have the same problem, and in my house its believed to be one of the (many) symptoms of testosterone poisoning. I can't help you understand why someone might prefer to talk about what is bothering them rather than talking about how to resolve what is bothering them, but my wife and daughters have made it very clear that that is indeed the case. On the other hand, they don't understand why I want to talk about fixing what is bothering me rather than talking about being bothered.

lilredweldingrod - well, I've got the 3 daughters, but I hope I don't end up in *that* situation.


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## Sawkerf (Dec 31, 2009)

When SWMBO turned 40 (a long time ago - lol), I threw her a surprise party. Some time well into the party, I said that it was probably time to think about trading her in on a couple of 20 year olds. There was a long silence in the room, and then she Oh-so-sweetly said "Don't bother, dear…..........you ain't wired for 220!!"

I've stayed under my rock ever since. - lol


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## Gregn (Mar 26, 2010)

I don't mind the silent treatment when I say the wrong thing, its *that look* you get for days when you know your in the dog house. Is there any of you lovely Lady LJ'ers that have a story to tell. I noticed this is pretty one sided but I'm sure your charming hubby's have made this mistake at least once in your marriages.
By the way another thing I learned, was don't say anything when your wife says she's not getting on that scale you brought into the house. When you see her getting on it for the first time just don't say nothing. I slipped and just had to say *I thought you weren't getting on it*. Lived with *that look* a long time for that one.


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## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

thank´s Dane )

Dennis


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## Knothead62 (Apr 17, 2010)

We rarely talked about work at home. We left work at work. Why ruin a good evening?


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## woodsmith (Jan 7, 2008)

Two friends went fishing.
The first said " I think I am going to divoice my wife, she hasen't spoken to me in six mounths." 
His friend replied " You might want to think about that for a while. A woman like that is hard to find."


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## scrollgirl (May 28, 2010)

Well, Greg:

I'm just 'a readin' and 'enjoyin'! (<-- some girls just know when to sit back and observe!)

Sheila


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## Gerry1 (Jul 12, 2009)

Dane, This string has had me and my wife laughing out loud! Our son and daughter in law have given us 3 granddaughters, so some of the scratchings here have us wondering….

BTW, what is it about the premise that when you find yourself in a hole, you are supposed to STOP digging?

I've been a very lucky guy these last 40 years, as we got it right the first and only time. We do have our differences, but I would not trade my honey for anyone! She even lets me have my shop, and is appreciative when I build her something…...


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## mark88 (Jun 8, 2009)

my wife always asks me why i don't wear hearing protection in the shop. And I respond "because eventually its going to do me a favour"


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## MrsN (Sep 29, 2008)

You boys are so entertaining..lol..
I love the line about a guy not being wired for 220, I will have to remember that in case it ever comes up. 
I have only been married for 2.5 years, so things are still pretty smooth. Most of our bumps come from his past, and he is glad I stick through it. We have custody of his 3 year old son, if you can think of a bump along that road, we have hit it. We often say so many things have happened, the only reason we stick around is to see what happens next


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## TopamaxSurvivor (May 2, 2008)

I do wonder why they all do the same thing?? Maybe MrsN & Shelia could enlighted us )

I can't say anything back about LOML, she stuck through Topamax Posioning!!


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## BlankMan (Mar 21, 2009)

LOL That was good.


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## bake (May 1, 2008)

My buddy Big-D gave me some good advise when I got married, he told me; "Sympathy not solutions." I have found that to be very sage advise when I am smart enough to take it, but being a man, most of the time I just offer solutions, which brings us to the second piece of advise he gave me; "always say you're sorry, after all you're the man; it must be your fault"

Between the two I have been able to stick around for 18 years (that's 36 in man years). I always tell my wife that it's twice as long for the man.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

*MrsN*
It takes a very special kind of lady to accept a step child within a marriage, and your husband knows that. You are one of those ladies that is at a premium for a life partner - as are the other LJ gals on this site.


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## Darell (Jul 23, 2008)

About 10 1/2 months after our wedding I came home from work one afternoon and my young bride was quite happy. As the evening wore on she became more and more upset so that by the time we went to bed that night she was totally PO'd. I asked her what the problem was. She replied "What day is today?" BAM, in that moment I suddenly remembered. It was her birthday and I had totally and completly forgot. Never even occured to me. In my defense, she never mentioned that her birthday was coming up even though I knew when it was. Just plumb forgot. Man, I felt like the biggest heel imaginable. I managed to get myself out of the doghouse with apologies and flowers and dinner out. Haven't forgotten anything since and that's saying something considering my memory these days. We laugh about it now, sort of. Funny thing is, as she gets older she still doesn't want me to forget a birthday again. You'd think she'd not want to be reminded that she's getting older. I guess I'm still paying for that first birthday after all these years. LOL! So, today, June 24th., we are celebrating our 38th wedding anniversary. I guess that means I have enough value so that she keeps me around. Good thing too. Don't know what I'd do without her. So, I learned early on to pay attention and keep my smart remarks to myself. Words to live by my friends. LOL


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## MrsN (Sep 29, 2008)

topamax-
I think that somewhere in the DNA of a woman is the need to talk and talk about problems just to talk about them. 
As much of a "guy" as I can be at times, I am a shop teacher after all, I still find the need to just talk about things. Not looking for solutions to problems (although I do a fair amount of that also) just talking about what is going on. 
How can I show up to "girl's night out" with saw dust in my hair because I couldn't help but spend a little time sanding the latest project, and still get excited about cosmos and gossip.

Roger- 
Thank you.

MrsN


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## woodsmithshop (Sep 10, 2008)

I haven't spoke to my wife in three weeks, I don't want to interrupt her.

(please, don't anyone tell her I said that)


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## beatlefan (Dec 1, 2009)

"My wife and I had words last night, but I didn't get to use any of mine"


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## TopamaxSurvivor (May 2, 2008)

MrsN, I have come to that conclusion. It doesn't matter whether I have a clue about what my wife is talking about as long as I seem to be paying attention  I can only hear about half of what she says. Like Rand, I'm almost deaf in the left; 80% loss, and 50% loss in the right. I had an ear doctor look her right in the eye and say do you know with your tone of voice, he can't hear a word you say? )

I asked my current ear Dr to write her a short note explaining why I can't hear with the TV or other back ground noise; ie, if you want to talk to him, turn the TV down or off. She read the note, looked up and said it isn't that loud) )

It's a good thing I'm almost impossible to PO! She does get a little up set sometimes when I'm laughing about the irony of things when I probably should be PO


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## scrollgirl (May 28, 2010)

I am kind of like MrsN. I never really fit in with most of the women's groups when my kids were growing up. I tried every once in a while, but I never felt in the loop because I hadn't seen the latest Oprah or Dr. Phil. I say that in all seriousness. My dearest and best friend at the time (who has since succumbed to cancer) and I were the girls who were a little different. We put in a stacked oak corner fireplace mantle in my house with two babies under two years old underfoot. We did woodworking and scroll sawing and sanding instead of our hair and nails. Her dad was an engineer and he taught us so much by letting us do stuff for ourselves, not by him doing for us.

I laugh as you guys tell your stories though. I guess I am also guilty of 'not really listening' sometimes (according to my partner). But he does the same to me too. We kind of kid each other about it most of the time and don't take things too seriously. I guess that is the key. 

Sheila


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## Knothead62 (Apr 17, 2010)

Darell, there will come a time that they want to forget birthdays. I had a lady in my church in KY who had a birthday the previous week. I figured she was in her early 70s. When I asked how old she was, she repied, "Plenty-nine." 
Guys, you can't win! Just learn to say yes.
Sheila, don't worry about missing O. or Dr. P. Our pastor describes talk shows as disfunctional people telling other disfunctional people how to be more disfunctional. Me, I got too much to do than waste time listening to them and their problems.


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## SCOTSMAN (Aug 1, 2008)

My sister said to me as a child if you were my husband |I'd put poison in your tea I looked at her and said if you were my wife I'd drink it.Alistair


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## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

Smitty that will cost you a lot here on L J but we are all suscebtible to a bribe in exotic hardwood…LOL


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## woodsmithshop (Sep 10, 2008)

ok Dennis, a small, no, a large log of Kuari is on its way to your house. lol


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## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

thank´s Smitty I´ll already have forgotten what you said, ...what was it ?


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## woodsmithshop (Sep 10, 2008)

Dennis, I am glad you forgot already, because I forgot your address.


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## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

yaah that´s the worst part of being member of this site
you forget more faster than you can load new skills to your brain


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## bobkberg (Dec 26, 2009)

At the risk of being serious for a moment - I learned some years ago that my wife just needs to vent. So I let her. She does NOT want solutions, just acknowledgement.

On a somewhat lighter (but true) side, I once committed a MAJOR sin when I used the words "The Laundry Fairy" in front of her…....
('nuff said on that count?)

We've been married for 28+ years, so I must be doing something right.


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## ClayandNancy (Feb 22, 2010)

Been married twice. I told my now bride of 26 years, I divorced the first one, I'll shoot the second. She has been the perfect wife. But really I couldn't have been happier or more blessed to have her!


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## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

goooood one Clay
maybee one to remember seriusly…..................LOL

Dennis


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## TheDane (May 15, 2008)

Time to fess up … my wife has that rare combination of a thick skin and an incredible sense of humor, so I know I can crack little jokes like the one that started this thread without serious consequences.

We have been together for 42 years, and she has made every day of my life better!


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## KentS (May 27, 2009)

Tomorrow is our 39th anniversary. I'll telling you this to document that I actually thought about it ahead of time! ( Of course, I could forget by tomorow--in that case I'll be needing a place to stay for awhile)

Obviously, we have done something right. It certainly starts with commitment and forgiveness. Notice I didn't say understanding--that will never happen. I laugh at a lot of these comments, thinking about all the really dumb things I have said over the years. And most of that was intentional-It's a wonder I'm still alive. I like to tease her a lot-she simply tolerates it.

There may have been frustrating times, but I would not trade her for anyone I've ever known.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

My wife fell for me when she tripped over my billfold …........... and there was only $20 in it !


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## JJohnston (May 22, 2009)

Roger, you could make a killing as the new Rodney Dangerfield.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

*JJohnson:*
I might as well, I get no respect in this place.

Seriously I would loved to had a job writing scripts and comedy for a living. Instead I suffered through college/university getting my degree in engineering and spent my life doing my second choice occupation. But even so, I have always been a "funny" engineer.


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## TopamaxSurvivor (May 2, 2008)

Kent, Our 40th is in mid Sept. Please send a remider just after Labor Day. Thanks in advance. sure hope yoiu don't Forget. )


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## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

well Roger it´s better to get a smile from us and your daily fanclub
than a big BUUUUUU + roten tomato´s from audiences in a comedienclub…...LOL

Dennis


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

*Dennis:*
You'll notice I have a few good natured "stooges" on this site who I can throw insults and innuendos at and they give back as good as they get. Life is too serious not to have fun, it's good for the soul.


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## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

so, so true Roger and always look to the bright side
and everything goes ten times smoother
just keep the comedien in play and we know you are alright

Dennis


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## SCOTSMAN (Aug 1, 2008)

How about *Hey Honey it's amazing how little you sweat since you put on all that weight !* LOL Alistair


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## SCOTSMAN (Aug 1, 2008)

And also Kent I am married 39 years in August the 14th hows that for a coincidence.?Alistair


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## stefang (Apr 9, 2009)

Forget about your good marriages fellas. You should just be glad your still alive!!!


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## TopamaxSurvivor (May 2, 2008)

Alistair, You just reminded me of how my daddy in law used to end his story about how my mother in law broker her hip. He'd always say, "And you know how fat women fall!" )


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## noknot (Dec 23, 2008)

My wife said she hated our washing machine so as a little joke I took it out and left a rock and directions to the creek. If you plan on doing this use one of those foam rocks the lawers wont let me say anything else but my kids thought my name was F.U


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## tyskkvinna (Mar 23, 2010)

This has been the funniest thing I've read in ages


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## 8iowa (Feb 7, 2008)

One of woodworking author Nick Engler's most puzzling questions; " If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no wife around to hear, is he still wrong?"


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

*noknot:*
That little joke with the washing machine was fabulous, we have the same warped minds. Well done.


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## CaptnA (Dec 17, 2007)

Oh my… The list of things NOT to say to your wife is too long to write. Just yes ma'am, I'm sorry, and I love you seem to suffice for my part of most of our conversations.
I really am blessed, and I know it. 
My wife comes to me on her knees, begging, and offering gifts frequently.
Usually she's saying something like come out from under that bed you (@W%#, I've got something for you!!


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## blockhead (May 5, 2009)

Thankfully, my mom has always been one who could take a joke. My dad is FULL of them. I called my parents the other day and my dad answered the phone. I said, "Hey dad, is mom around?" He said, "Boy is she ever." 
That's my dad.


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## lilredweldingrod (Nov 23, 2009)

My wife is in great shape. Well, round is a shape.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

*blockhead:*
My parents were like that too, never a dull moment.
My mother got here own back on occasions. She overheard my dad talking to a male friend, saying "my wife does not have any imagination when it comes to fixing my sack lunch, I know what I'm going to get by what day it is." 
(My dad always took a sack lunch to work prepared by my bother)
One day at work he opened his sack lunch and found just dog biscuits with a note saying "How's this for imagination? What day is it?"


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## terrilynne (Jun 24, 2010)

Oh, you guys are killin' me! Try this the next time your wife comes home "venting". 
1. go into the bathroom fill the tub with nice warm water
2. add some bubblebath
3. light a few candles
4. go get a glass of wine and tell your wife her bath is ready
5. put on some nice music
This will get her relaxed and possibly in a romantic mood. It's a win-win situation!
of course it could backfire…..she might think you did something…


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## supervato (May 19, 2010)

That sounds like alot of work,


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## Dennisgrosen (Nov 14, 2009)

*Terri*
been there done that + added a will you merry me on my knee

and it has backfired ever since that night

Dennis


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## Cher (Dec 6, 2009)

*And what not to do to your wife.* My husband gave me a gift and a card for my birthday. The gift was all beautifully wrapped and the envelope the card was in was enormous. I always open the envelope first, as the words in the card are the biggest part of the gift. The card was beautiful, too bad the words on the card said, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.


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## stefang (Apr 9, 2009)

Marriage is all about compatibility.

I read a story a few years ago about a female masochist and a male sadist who met at a party in Las Vegas. When they found out about each other they decided that they would be the perfect couple and so quickly tied the knot in one of those drive-in chapels they have there. They eagerly booked into the nearest hotel and went straight to their room. She immediately undressed and told her husband "BEAT ME"! He looked down at her with a cynical smirk on his face and said " You'd like that, wouldn't you"?


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## noknot (Dec 23, 2008)

Rand be careful your wife will lock you out of the house on a windy day and watch you roll away into the desert.


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