# Cutsie Sayings, Stupid Quotes and Quick Comebacks...



## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I thought it appropriate that we never lose sight of our heritage. I have heard a lot of cutsie sayings and quick comebacks in my life. One of the best I recently heard comes from Charlie. He and I were discussing technology and older folks. Anyway, here it is. I hope you guys come through with some good ones.

My 84-year-old dad just got an iPhone. Talk about a lost ball in high weeds…..


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## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

I didn't think you'd actually start this thread, lol. 
"pull up your big girl panties and be a man".


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## chrisstef (Mar 3, 2010)

Ohh boy, making a living in construction ive got tons of em …

"how'd that go over" 
"like a fart in a spacesuit"


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## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

^ and
"how's that working out for you?"


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Bertha, it could also go this way: Take off the dress and be a man.


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## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

^very true. I live in WV, ffs. I should be able to come up with over 100 instantaneously. I guess it's Friday, after all. My brain's not exactly working.


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## chrisstef (Mar 3, 2010)

Put on your sandpaper mitten and get a grip will ya.


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## AKSteve (Feb 4, 2012)

$h*t Fire and Save the Matches !


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

Going to go shake hands with the President ( of the company)

Said on the way to the PortaJohn on the job site.

"Looks good from my house", or, "Can't see that from my house"

or, after a big snafu resulting in a FUBAR….

"You'll have that, on the bigger jobs.."


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## Tennessee (Jul 8, 2011)

Never notice at 40,000 feet!
Save water, shower with a friend!
Don't worry about it, drywall will cover anything!


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

For Bertha…"Save a Horse…ride a Cowboy"

For the tree huggers: "Save a tree! Eat a Beaver!"


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## barecycles (Jan 10, 2012)

I remember helping dad replace brakes on his car and after tightening the lug nuts he asked if they were tight enough. I asked how tight? He said, "Tighter than a bear's butt in a swarm of bees."


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I'm as busy as a one-legged cat in a sandbox.

Barecycles, you sayin' that's one tight-ass bear?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Here's a good one…

The beatings will continue until morale improves.
OR
We will continue banning topics until you all act like adults (whatever that is).


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## chrisstef (Mar 3, 2010)

Busier than a one armed paper hanger.


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## devann (Jan 11, 2011)

Heard often on the jobsite;

the painter will fix it.

When something is out of plumb or askew;

Ray Charles could see that!

Or;

dumber than a box of rocks,

couldn't pure p!$$ out of a boot with the instructions on the heel,

that's finer than frog hair,

you can't make a Cadillac out of VW parts


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Devann, maybe that is why VW is kicking ass…


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## lysdexic (Mar 21, 2011)

build a bridge and get over it


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## Rick Dennington (Aug 27, 2009)

"You can't polish a turd".....


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## lysdexic (Mar 21, 2011)

excuses are like a$$holes, everyones got one and they all stink


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## lysdexic (Mar 21, 2011)

sharp as a marble


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## Rick Dennington (Aug 27, 2009)

"That smells as bad as a sack full of assholes".............


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## lysdexic (Mar 21, 2011)

love is like oxygen
you get too much you get too high
not enough and your going to die

love gets you high

No?


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## lysdexic (Mar 21, 2011)

I know you are but what am I? (P.W. Herman)


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Pick a window…you're leaving.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Busy as a funeral home fan in July.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she go so she don't have to kiss him good bye.


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## ChuckC (May 13, 2010)

That's good enough for government work …

The other day my chest hurt. My wife asked me if I was alright. I said ask me again in a minute, if I don't answer call an ambulance…

The back of a biker t-shirt: If you can read this the bitch fell off..


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

As confused as a cow on astroturf.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

The baby was so ugly the doctor spanked the mama.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

She's so fat it takes two dogs to bark at her.


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## redryder (Nov 28, 2009)

She was as nervous as a whore in church…...................


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## ChuckC (May 13, 2010)

You are as popular as a pork chop at a Bar Mitzvah


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Kansas is so flat you can watch your dog run away for a week.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

He couldn't find water if he fell out of a boat.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Beauty fades, dumb is forever.


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## murch (Mar 20, 2011)

Guy 1 " the water in the bottom of the toilet is freezing!" 
Guy 2 " yeah, that's why I don't use it anymore."


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## SamuelP (Feb 26, 2011)

Wish in one hand ans ******************** in the other and see which one fills up first.

If a frog had wings his ass wouldn't smack the ground every time he hopped.

Busier than a one-legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond.

Colder than a well diggers ass.

Colder than a witches tit.

Hotter than two rats ********************in in a tube sock.

Caulk and paint show what a carpenter ain't.


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## wdkits1 (Mar 21, 2009)

She's so fat it'll take her three trips to haul ass.
Hotter than a double dicked dingo


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

R. Lee Ermy: Full Metal jacket scene..

"Did your parents have any kids that lived?"

"Sir! Yes Sir!

"I bet they regret that"


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## cjwillie (Sep 6, 2011)

One of my dad's favorites, "Worthless as tits on a rooster!"


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## JAGWAH (Dec 15, 2009)

When waving by with the back of your hand to someone say."Don't let the other four confuse you to my meaning!"


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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)

One of my favourite posts ever on Lumberjocks

Craftsman on the Lake to Horizontal Mike:

Yes Mike, I did check those blogs and saw that you were doing some good woodworking. I was surprised. I expected to see you making license plates ;-)


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## KyleT (Aug 8, 2012)

Helping my bro-in-law design a house and suggested that he add some "architectural features" for curb appeal. He is a hopelessly single minded engineer (not that thats a bad thing). He said "that'd be like putting lipstick on a pig."


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## juniorjock (Feb 3, 2008)

They were banging like a screen door in a tornado.


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## AKSteve (Feb 4, 2012)

"busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest"

"About as funny as a pay toilet in a Diarrhea Ward. "

"Good enough to slap your Grandma"


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## juniorjock (Feb 3, 2008)

She was so ugly, her moma had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play with her….....


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

When working in the computer labs
"I see we have an I D 10 T problem here (ID10T)" for the truly dense "the problem seems to lie somewhere between the seat and the keyboard" 
This has translated to the bike shop where "the problem seems to lie between the saddle and the handlebars."

As a kiltie I get some of the really stupid questions to respond to such as
What do you have under there? (yes people really ask this) "The pride of the family" 
Is it true you don't wear anything beneath a kilt? "Nope, see I've got socks and shoes on"


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## hamburglar (Aug 26, 2012)

F'ed up as a soup sandwich

F'ed up like a football bat

Blind man on a fast horse will never see that!


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## cjwillie (Sep 6, 2011)

Looks like her momma fed her nails with a slingshot!


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Derosa, if you showed them what is under your kiltie they would never ask again…on the other hand…


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

About the drought …. *drier than talcum powder on a soda cracker*

Or

*"I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in!!*

Or

*"Beaten like a rented mule"*

Or

*"If brains were gasoline, he would't have enough to prime a piss ants motor scooter."*

Or

*"hoist with one's own petard"*


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## nailbanger2 (Oct 17, 2009)

"I can see" said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Some people have more dollars than sense.

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning!


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## cjwillie (Sep 6, 2011)

If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose!


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

"I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." Alicia Silverstone


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

"I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous. I could have any man in the world." Anna Kournikova


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

"I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else." Britney Spears


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." Britney Spears


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb… and I also know that I'm not blonde.Dolly Parton


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I may not have been the greatest president, but I've had the most fun eight years.- Bill Clinton


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.- George H.W. Bush


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

"Used a whole truck load of ugly sticks on that one"

"Good thing breathing is a non-thinking routine, or else they would be in trouble"

Just because you have the Right to remain stupid, you do not have the right to abuse it.

If I wanted to listen to someone bitch all day, I'd have stayed home…

"You want it.. WHEN?


> ??" Question was asked when designing a new car. Name of car came from the answer…...DAT SOON


?

"You are so ugly, you could be a Modern Art Masterpiece!" R. Lee Ermy, from Full Metal Jacket

"Seems to me, the best part of you ran down the crack of your Momma's rear end, and wound up as a brown stain on the bed. I think you've been cheated" R. Lee Ermy, Full Metal Jacket


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

Looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.


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## WoodenFrog (Jun 4, 2010)

1st guy: Man she has a lot of Freckles on her face!
2nd guy: Yeah it looks like someone threw Sh?t through a screen at her!


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## cjwillie (Sep 6, 2011)

Beat severely about the head and shoulders with an ugly stick.


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## crank49 (Apr 7, 2010)

Old school carpenter to a young architect, "Drawing, I don't need no damn drawing. Just tell me where you want the front door and where you want the back door, and I'll built you a damn house."

true story.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I like it. Kinda like the faucet commercial.


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## hooky (Apr 25, 2009)

look if i want your opinion i will give it to you


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

*In that same vein!*


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## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

*saw that you were doing some good woodworking. I was surprised.-COL*
.
I remember that comment. I belted out a laugh at work.


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Any luck getting your surgery scheduled?...............to remove the (stick/bug/corn-cob) from your arse!

Good for extraordinarily rude folks, who take their bad day out on customers.


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

DKV those are awesom - - the "She's so fat it takes two dogs to bark at her" made me LOL

On Kansas -

Kansas is so Flat if you look real hard you can see the back of your own head on the horizon.


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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)

et tu Brute?


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you. 
There are two ways of doing this, my way or the wrong way. 
And then there is my actual license plate. UMM OOPS.


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## fussy (Jan 18, 2010)

That went over like a screen door in a submarine; or like a pregnant pole vaulter.

In London a few weeks ago, a reporter approached a competitor and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The man replied, "NO, I'm from Sveden, but how'd you know my name vas Valter?"

I'm going to bed now.

Steve


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

"Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth."


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

My wife says this to me.

Remember: It's ok to glance just don't stare. "


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

This is a special dedication to my dear friend JimC and all the LJs that can't seem to see it my way even after I present irrefutable facts.

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

*"It is better to be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt."*


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## bunkie (Oct 13, 2009)

From across the pond:

"She would be out of her depth in a car park puddle"


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

oldnovice, don't you find it curious and interesting that some of the postings in this thread are the personal anthem of the poster? Almost like one of those freudian slip things that everyone talks about, whatever that is. BTW, you have a misspelling in your signature…it should read bored. I don't want to upset you but I thought I should point it out before a "nonfriend" did. Just trying to protect you pal….you can thank me later in a PM.


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

I thought this forum was for comebacks and you just don't like mine for some reason. Maybe you don't like Confucius? There is obviously something amiss!

If you think I am boring, you could always block me.


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## Earlextech (Jan 13, 2011)

I wouldn't sell my children for a million dollars and I wouldn't pay 50 cents for another pair just like them.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Oldnovice, I never block. I respect everyone's right to post to any and all threads even if their opinion does not jive with the truths I write about. Even the less witted occassionally have something to say. Blocking is for those that cannot find the truth and refuse to listen when it is presented to them. Holding your hands over your ears and shouting does not make the truth go away. I will not go away no matter how hard you wish it and I will always be there to present the truth to whomever asks. LOL, I will even present the truth to those that don't ask. I am concerned for the mental health of everyone. You are all my brothers.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

47phord, I'm sure Fresno and Gary have a lot in common. You being from Gary you should have a few cutsie sayings and combacks. Give us some. Thanks,


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

*DKV,*

OK. then why the crude remark about my signature?

I have never treated you in that manner as it does not show respect of another opinion!


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Oldnovice, as I said in my first sentence I respect the right of everyone to post and have an opinion. I do not have to respect their opinion…and I don't normally unless it's in line with mine. Most of what I say is the truth, so I don't respect many opinions that are 180 out from mine. Again, I never block and the reason is I like reading what others think. On many occasions I have been absolutely flabbergasted at some of the beliefs common Americans hold. Sometimes I think I am reading something from the dark ages.

Secondly, if you think my play on words (board vs bored) is crude then I can't imagine what you think of some of the profanity that went on before politics and religion were banned. In my mind my play on your words was not profane or crude. As I said above most of the time I am right.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

Scariest sight on the road? Blond behind the wheel

....points on her own, and way up high….. ( Bob Seager, "Against the wind")

"We're standing here on this ball of hate, there is no parole, no Great Escape, We're stranded here until the End of days, and then my Brother, there's a price to pay…."


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

It bothers me that you use terms like *"common Americans"* are you royalty? The term common is unusual in that context except when it comes from royalty.

I know there are some people that may have some "dark age" mentality but I do not believe that is by any means a norm or that of the *"common Americans"*, if there really is such an aggregate.


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## xwingace (Apr 25, 2011)

Derosa, nothing's worn under a kilt, it's all in perfect working order.

"Sweeter than a sister's kiss!" 
"Let's taper this turd."


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Oldnovice, I am a common American. Maybe a better choice of words would have been average or ordinary, in other words those lacking distinction, title, fame, rank or status. The average man in the street. I think most of us are that. Don't you?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

This is from my all time favorite guy…

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."― Al Gore


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the Lowest crime rates in the country" ― Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)




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## jumbojack (Mar 20, 2011)

Is a sixteen pound robin fat?


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## jumbojack (Mar 20, 2011)

Does 50#s of flour make a big biscuit?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

What do chickens think we taste like?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)




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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

Based on the diversity of this country, the beliefs of people don't bother me. After all, I am not from this country and I have beliefs with which you may or may not agree!

My concern is not the beliefs of people but the stupidity of some … go ask a counter person at McDonald's for a half dozen nuggets and they reply "we don't have that"! Then tell them you will settle for a six piece and they have no problem …. that is stupidity! Similar to the pictures you posted above!

*My point is that beliefs and stupidity are NOT the same!*


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

Politics often seems like an appropriate name when you break down the word. Poli meaning many and tics meaning small bloodsuckers that crawl under your skin.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

You have to admit a lot of beliefs ARE stupid.


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## americanwoodworker (Nov 26, 2011)

I feel for ya brother, but I cant reach ya

It's been real and its been nice, But it ain't been real nice

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey

Save your breath…You'll need it to blow up your date.

That boy smells like he ate the B-hole out of a skunk

All opinions are my wife's; I have none. (In my opinion.)

My favorite one so far… Boy, I will hit you so fast, so hard, from so many directions that when I stop, you'd say "y'all stop that now".

*Disclaimer
If anyone was offended or injured emotionally after being forced to read the above I sincerely apologize. Any opinions expressed are my own, and generally unpopular with others. Everything stated in this message is to be considered my own opinion, and not an official representation of Lumberjocks or any other lumberjock employees. Actual mileage may vary. Price does not include tax, title, and license. Some assembly required. Each sold separately. Batteries not included. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Keep out of reach of children. Avoid prolonged exposure to direct sunlight. Keep in a cool dark place.

If you are injured after reading this or if conditions persist, contact a Mental health provider (a.k.a. psychiatrist).


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## Dwain (Nov 1, 2007)

DeRosa - Love your first quote. I will use it with your permission…heck, I'll just use it, sorry.

DKV - Really fun thread, I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks!


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Now this is a GREAT idea.


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

*DONE!*


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## fussy (Jan 18, 2010)

If I could remove your brain, I could put it in the eyeball of a gnat and it would rattle like a bb in a boxcar.

If I could buy you for what you're worth, and sell you for what you THINK you're worth, I could NEVER spend all the money I'd make.

Steve


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## fussy (Jan 18, 2010)

DKV,

I think most reasonable men (of which there seem to be very few in the tea party) would agree. Unless some would like to compare them to the Red Guard or the Wafen Schutzstaffel: two groups that brooked no compromise, no common sense and no straying from the party line. Seig Heil !!

Steve


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## americanwoodworker (Nov 26, 2011)

Well, not everyone's GPA can be as high as those gas prices


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## muleskinner (Sep 24, 2011)

Life is hard. It's harder if you're stupid.

(a little bon mot that always brings my in-laws to mind)


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I think my hearing is starting to go south. This morning my wife sent me to the store for milk and bagels. I came home with milk, bagels and chocolate muffins. I KNOW she said chocolate muffins.


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## crank49 (Apr 7, 2010)

You're talking so much $h!t I don't know whether to offer you toilet paper or breath mints.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Crank49, if $h!t is supposed to substitute for ******************** then just say ********************. Also, I assume you're talking to me but in the future make sure you direct your profanity in such a manner that I will have no doubt. I don't know you crank but one of my camels is familiar with you. She said you were sneaking around the pens last night.

Now, what is it exactly that so upsets you. This is a pretty benign thread and I can't imagine what it is I wrote that would soooooo get your panties in a wad. If you come at me in an adult fashion I can then respond to you likewise. Toilet paper and ******************** just dont get a conversation headed in the right direction. I am so happy I was able to give you some tips on "niceness".


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

Sign above urinals: "Do NOT eat the Mints"


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## fussy (Jan 18, 2010)

Sign above the urinal, "Please do not throw cigarettes into the urinal as they become soggy and hard to light." 
" " " " "Support mental health or I'll kill you!"

Steve


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## JAGWAH (Dec 15, 2009)

DKV I may be wrong but I thought Crank was just offering up a phrase like everyone else. I've heard that saying before as well as used it. JMHO


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Jagwah, me and my camels sure are embarrassed. Do you think I owe Crank an apology? Crank, if you were just adding to the collection I apologize. Wow, I sure blew that one. Thanks for the heads up.


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## JAGWAH (Dec 15, 2009)

DKV, Just helping a bro out. He may have meant it but an appoligy never hurts.


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## JAGWAH (Dec 15, 2009)

Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted.~Ralph Waldo Emerson


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

We should pray to the angels, for they are given to us as guardians.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

I really like this. It is what I am all about.

Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away.


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## crank49 (Apr 7, 2010)

DKV,
No, I was not talking to you. If I was i would have used your name.
Have you said something you thought would provoke such a response from me?
Sorry I missed it.
I actually heard that in a resturant last night and thought it was a "cutsie saying and quick comeback"

Your camels must be mistaken.
Do you converse with them often?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Crank, you're funny. First, I compared the Tea Party to the new American Taliban. I thought you might have been upset over that. Second, yes I do talk to my camels frequently and yes they talk back. Third, it was dark and she probably didn't have a good view of whoever was hanging around the pens whispering sweet nothings to her and my other camels.
Don


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Here's a good one. Can anyone explain it? I think it could be a discussion all it's own.

"It turns people into hateful lemmings, and it's not very compassionate."


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## JN1C3™ (Jul 29, 2012)

Fits like a Finger in an ASS!!

Although your response DKV doesn't!! Though it would get alot of attention due to so many different beliefs on a subject I would consider to meaning types of religion?
Not interesting at all I must say I like the sayings myself

Never heard so many different sayings til I watched the show on Tru TV called "Lizard Lick Towing"


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

The matter-antimatter matrix in your pooper is higgedly-piggedly.

Jason, how could I possibly be talking about religion when I write the words "hateful lemmings" and "not very compassionate"? Not that we are suppposed to be talking about it but religion is all about loving, caring people that have empathy for their fellow man and go out of their way to preach and promote peace throughout the world.


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## JN1C3™ (Jul 29, 2012)

Sir yes sir…. ok


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

DKV- that is a really nice idealistic view of religion, too bad some of the people on the ground haven't figured that out. I can easily see how that quote could be applied. Now off the bandwagon.

old one from high school to get back on topic; lets get off the subject of moms cause I just got off yours. 
There are three types of people in this world; liars, damn liars and statisticians. Gotten from a Statistician who worked in DC


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## shelly_b (Aug 8, 2012)

"worthless as tits on a boar hog"


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## shelly_b (Aug 8, 2012)

on using if's:
"if grandma had balls she's be grandpa" 
on a big truck:
"low rider's are for guys that can't get it up" 
on one of my boyfriend's truck-
"my other vehicle is a ********************box too" lol
"gone faster than a fart in a wind storm" 
not a line but a fun way to confuse people-when going paying in a store or fastfood resturaunt, give them change thats not exact and see how many times they count it and how long they sit there and stare at it wondering why you gave them $5.12 when your total was $4.87…than I have to say "excuse me, I was suposed to get a quarter back and you gave me 15cents.. you would not beleive how many times I get the wrong change back. That is one of the tougher ones though lol. but it still happens with the simple ones too. last time this happened and I said I was supposed to get a quarter back the girl said "Ohhh, i wondered why you gave me that change! I see now! You are so smart!" lol (I don't like having a bunch of change so I try to get the least back that I can).


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Shelly, that last one was totally evil considering the mathematicians our schools are turning out.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Easy peasy lemon squeezy

Now we're talking chinese…


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## woodshaver (Mar 21, 2009)

Tell a smart ass…...You're a very Fart Smeller!


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

*This is a true story!*

My son works for a large electronics retailer and this happened recently when a man came to pay off his account with $2.00 bills. The store called the police, the police arrested him and took him away. When his lawyer arrived he laughed and told them that this is legal tender and this was a false arrest.

*This is a real chain of ignorance!*


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

TO ALL PARTICIPANTS OF THIS THREAD I HAVE MODIFIED THE TITLE TO INCLUDE "STUPID QUOTES" We should get some real mileage out of this change. I will start with a quote from my all time favorite person "Dan the Man" Quayle.

"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right."


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## woodshaver (Mar 21, 2009)

Yah! Dan the man! "Your no Jack Kennedy"!


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say." - Bill Clinton

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." - Dan Quayle

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Sneaking and peaking, snooping and pooping…


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

"Don't go away mad. Girl, just, go away" power ballad from the Crue….


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

What is usually said just before a 911 call..

"Hey, watch this! Here, hold my beer…..."


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

A song from a movie….

"Just watch old bandit run…."


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

Now, who sang that tune, and in which movie…..


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## JJohnston (May 22, 2009)

Jerry Reed - "Smokey and the Bandit" - name of the tune is "Eastbound and Down".


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## crank49 (Apr 7, 2010)

Well, gee, DKV, that edit of the title seems to have killed the thread.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Crank, I am not sure. I blame it on the three day weekend and traveling…I hope.

«Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.»- Mariah Carey, pop singer


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## woodshaver (Mar 21, 2009)

In 1987, the Chevy Chase film, "Funny Farm" when the old man told Chevy "You can't get there from here"

I love that movie!


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Dude, I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.


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## woodshaver (Mar 21, 2009)

Ok, anyone remember this one… "I'll gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today"


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining. Old West quote

Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.


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## waho6o9 (May 6, 2011)

Wimpy from Popeye.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.-Pat Robertson, fundraising letter, 1992

"Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only atheists could accept this Satanic theory." -Jimmy Swaggart

"The doctrine that the earth is neither the center of the universe nor immovable, but moves even with a daily rotation, is absurd, and both philosophically and theologically false, and at the least an error of faith." -Catholic Church's decision against Galileo Galilei


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

Can't believe I forgot this one "it's nothing personal, it's just you"

Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part
tell me again what part of this is my problem?


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## woodshaver (Mar 21, 2009)

Joke, 
At the bar a woman asks a man in cow boy hat "Are you a real cow boy?" He tells her "I work on a ranch and I rope cattle and brand cattle I sure am a cow boy" he tells her. as she winks and goes to walk away the cow boy says to her, I told what i am what are you" she replies "I'm a Lesbian I like to kiss woman's soft lips, run my fingers through their hair, eat at the #@*% and love the smell of it." Then the nice looking lady walks away. A couple walk in and asks the man in the cow boy hat "are you a real cow boy". The cow boy said….. "Well son, I thought I was but I just found I'm a lesbian"!

This joke is on Youtube the video is much better. TheLesbianCowboy.wmv


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

BTW, the quotes in post 158 are not religious quotes…they are stupid quotes. Just want to stay out of trouble and abide by the rules.


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## thedude50 (Aug 13, 2011)

BOHICA bend over here it comes again


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## thedude50 (Aug 13, 2011)

No DKV they were religious quotes and only some of them are dumb have you ever seen anything evolve


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## juniorjock (Feb 3, 2008)

The high school football coach said this to my son during his first day in high school….. "Hey son, what's your name….? You know, you're pretty big for someone your size…...."


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Dude50, it should be BBOHICA. It's a prison term.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

You should be able to find a few stupid quotes in this one.

Judge grants sex change for Mass. murder convict

BOSTON-State prison officials must provide taxpayer-funded sex-reassignment surgery to a transgender inmate serving life in prison for murder, because it is the only way to treat her "serious medical need," a federal judge ruled Tuesday.


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## dakremer (Dec 8, 2009)

early bird gets the worm, but second mouse gets the cheese…


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one." 
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one." 
-Winston Churchill's response to George Bernard Shaw

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." 
-Stephen Bishop
-------------------------
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" 
-Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

"Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!" 
-Winston Churchill's response to Lady Astor


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## waho6o9 (May 6, 2011)

Good ones DrDirt, thanks.


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

I love the stupidity of those quotes!


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

"When the Okies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states." -Will Rogers

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for." - Will Rogers

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." -Will Rogers

"Nothing you can't spell will ever work." - Will Rogers

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Well guys…you can now add apologies to banned topics. They closed helluvawreck's thread. I think JimC squealed.


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## crank49 (Apr 7, 2010)

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. 
Groucho Marx (comment to a contestant with very large family on "You Bet Your Life" TV show.)


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

An early bird gets the early worm, and the late bird gets the late worm.

Birds of the same feather…are good feather duster! lol


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## thedude50 (Aug 13, 2011)

DKV WHO ARE YOU Really what is your real name and where are you really from. You know I once asked if the avatar was you and you lied about it and said it was you now mike shows your own tool for spotting a video worked to out you so who are you really. Have you ever met up with any of the members live. If so and your from Sac Who do you know from Sac that is a member here. I know a few people from sac and would hope you would know them too. Are you really a fraud. If you cant prove you are who you say you are I am done with you. I am not here for fun and games.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Dude, that's what makes us different. I enjoy woodworking AND fun and games. So sorry you feel a need to be done with me but you need to do what you need to do.


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## thedude50 (Aug 13, 2011)

You mean you cant be real and honest about your identity


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## dakremer (Dec 8, 2009)

neither can Clark Kent.


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

No. DKV is Clark Kent!


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Dude, I am real and honest. Probably realer and honester than most. I like fun and games and woodworking. How much realer and honester do you need? BTW, just so you don't get confused…I'm DKV not Clark or Kent or Clark Kent or Kent Clark…just plain ol' DKV. Be satisfied Dude.


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

A very old saying ( at least to me) said with whatever tone you'd like.

"Don't mean nothing….NOT A THING!"


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Dude, listen to bandit.

BTW, speaking of real and honest has anyone heard from "breath of fresh air"?


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Paging. Whoever saw Emma Walker, kindly tell him or her (I'm confused) that DKV is missing him or her(again).


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

DKV surely has an answer to that. He thinks he knows everything.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Rex, based on you quarter-assed comment to me I'm guessing you are the one that renamed her/him "breath of fresh air".

Surfside, not everything but very close.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

DKV. Silly arse, that was not meant to you, it was my entry for cute sayings …......etc.


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

That's why I like you, DKV. Not because you think you know very close to everything, but of the confidence you have in yourself. Pretty high!


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Another: Empty vessels make the most noise.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Another: If wit was shi*, then you would be constipated.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Rex, that is the second time I've done that. Silly me…sorry to you. BTW, who did name her "breath of fresh air"?


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Another: Whatever the difference is between men and women, I can't conceive. - Winston Churchill


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Rex, I'll blame it on surfside…he thought the same thing.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Another from Churchill where he was tipsy in Parliament and confronted by a lady MP (Mrs. Braddock):
Prime minister, you are drunk. to which he replied; "yes madam, but tomorrow I will be sober, but you will still be ugly".


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Another: Are you talking to me, or chewing a house brick?


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Another - a question to someone interrupting a conversation:
"Who pulled your chain"?
Reference to when in old days flushing a toilet meant pulling a chain to the overhead cisitern


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Opps! Looks like I made a confusion. You're not as smart as I thought of, DKV. lol


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Surfside, two things:
1. I said very close.
2. I blamed it on you.
I'm still batting close to .950


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## HorizontalMike (Jun 3, 2010)

*Lance SAID:* DKV WHO ARE YOU Really what is your real name and where are you really from. You know I once asked if the avatar was you and you lied about it and said it was you now mike shows your own tool for spotting a video worked to out you so who are you really. Have you ever met up with any of the members live. If so and your from Sac Who do you know from Sac that is a member here. I know a few people from sac and would hope you would know them too. Are you really a fraud. If you cant prove you are who you say you are I am done with you. I am not here for fun and games.

Wow, this was a long time coming. For once I am in complete agreement with you Lance, Don likes his verbal games too much for me to choose to converse with him anymore.


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Gen. Douglas McArthur said:
"I shall return!"

Japanese commented:
"Smart monkeys always has an escape route." lol


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Mike, good decision. I thank you, Sarah thanks you. In fact, all my camels thank you. If I had goats as some accuse me of they would also thank you.


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

French Soldier, on his first assignment to a desert fort, put up with the boring routine for a few weeks. Finally asked another soldier: What do you do for "Girlie excitement" around here?"

"We have a Camel over there in the stables"

"Ah, no thanks"

A few more weeks pass, same question, same answer. Finally driven to extremes, he started to molest the camel. Another soldier came in: "WTF are you doing!" "Well, you said to use the camel…"

"Idiot! We use the camel to go over that nearby hill, and into TOWN…."


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## dakremer (Dec 8, 2009)

I know for a fact that DKV does not have goats. They are mine. I live across the street. Common mistake


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Dak, they only think they're mine because you're too cheap to fix your fence. Besides, I think one of the goats likes Sarah.


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## dakremer (Dec 8, 2009)

lets not forget, Sarah is the one that put her foot through my fence in the first place. While we're on the subject, the last time you cut your grass, you went over the property line and cut some of my grass. I like my grass cut at 2", you cut your grass at 1.5" Please stop this, you are ruining my lawn. Also I saw Sarah pooped in my yard again while you were taking her for a walk. Please pick it up next time


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## SCOTSMAN (Aug 1, 2008)

I saw a sign once,that said EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT. as if you could leave them and come back an hour later.some stupid things and I also was horrified to find a Chinese restaurant which had a sign on the door which said GONE TO LUNCH. go figure it out AS THEY SAY aLISTAIR


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

"Here's your sign.."

Cop comes up the a trucker who has managed to get his semi stuck under an overpass.

Cop: " Get your truck stuck?"

Trucker: " Nope, I was delivering that over pass and ran out of fuel…"

( This might start something strange…)


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Wait, wait, wait. I'm confused a bit now. DKV, who's Sarah?


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

that would be his blonde girl-friend…..


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Oh, I thought Sarah's one of DKV's camels.


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Sarah is my alpha camel.


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

So..Sarah is a blonde alpha camel and at the same time your girlfriend, DKV?


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

saw a fellow stabbing away at his locked up car with a coat hanger, and just couldn' t help myself…

"Locked your keys in the car?......."

"Nope, I just washed it, and I'm trying to hang it out to dry"

"Here's your sign….." ( thank you to Bill Engwall)


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## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Does an Alpha camel have one hump or two?


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Rex, Sarah has one hump and is the meanest camel in the herd. No one messes with Sarah.


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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)

No one messes with Sarah except DKV.


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## thedude50 (Aug 13, 2011)

Thank you Mike this could be the beginning of a new friendship. BTW I lover the new Blanket chest but I cant saw that on the project page as I am still blocked by you even though I unblocked you months ago .

I think DKV is a surfer wannabe from Sacramento where the only waves are at the skate park where the rest of the children play. I guess what tipped me off was the Pet steps since they belong to some guy in Oklahoma or some place like that. Just another stock photo. DKV must mean something but I dont know what yet.

Now i AM GOING TO GO HAVE SOME bb Q pork ribs


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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)

Is this true DKV?, are the pet steps you posted someone else's work?

Say it isn't so…


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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)

Here is Sarah. She's a looker alright.


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## thedude50 (Aug 13, 2011)

no man i was messing with him he wants anonymity and yet he wants to sell his wares the net is full of steps like his I am sure he made his I know he stole the idea though


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## SCOTSMAN (Aug 1, 2008)

Wot no eyeshadow? seems naked without it.But she's a stunner for sure. Alistair


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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)

Seeing as this camel thing is being done to death, here is a little factoid for your delectation.

The oldest modification of an intrauterine device (IUD) used today was suggested by Hippocrates who thought that inserting different objects into the uterus could make pregnancy impossible. Additionally, Arab camel drivers placed stones into the uterus of their female camels in order to prevent pregnancy in them.

Useful you will agree, but just what was going through the mind of the first person to try this?


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## thedude50 (Aug 13, 2011)

just ask DKV he invited it just like he invented pet steps


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Oh, yeah, she is beautiful! Wait, I thought Sarah is an alpha male camel? Why is she wearing wig like DKV? And why do we call her she in the first place?


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## StumpyNubs (Sep 25, 2010)

My great grandfather was a foreman with the iron workers. When someone complained about something being hard he'd say "could you send your wife in tomorrow? We need to get some work done…"

One day on the job site it was very cold (this was 1940's Detroit). Everybody wanted to quit for the day, but grandpa wasn't having it. So one of the guys said "I'll work, but go call my wife and ask her to bring that old dog inside the house. This is no weather for him to be out in". The point was made.

When I was a boy and couldn't lift or move something heavy, my father was fond of saying "go next door and get those little girls to come do it for you." Today I say something similar in the shop, except I follow it up by calling them a "pantywaist".

One of my favorite sayings was in my last podcast (the little segment called "Crazy Stuff Stumpy Thinks About") It was "my new jeans are so tight that the only way to be comfortable in them is while leaning against an '84 Trans-Am."


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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Geez Louise, I go away for one day and the place goes to hell.

Renners, the pet steps were made by me and the post is real.

Surfside, an alpha animal can be male or female. Just look at some human marriages.

Dude, for someone that wants nothing to do with me you sure are sneaking around and following everything I do.


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Ok. DKV, my dog wants to give his regards to your Sarah. Probably a good match.


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## bandit571 (Jan 20, 2011)

There is no job that this crew can't complicate up.


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## devann (Jan 11, 2011)

Sir, I'd like to match wits with you, but you appear disarmed.


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Whoa! This sounds like a challenge. BTW, who are you talking to, Sir?


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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)

You can lead a camel to water but you can't make it drink. (Old Bedouin saying)


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