# How about a joke thread?



## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

Lately the OT forum has been a little too serious and admittedly I am involved in that so I thought adding a little levity would help some. So post up what you have; jokes, cartoons, and funny images. As long as it isn't serious send it in, I'll lead us off.

Got this joke from a local woodworker with a sense of humor.

A pastor that is new to town is driving around one day trying to get the layout of the town when he sees a young boy trying to reach up and ring the doorbell of a house. After a moment he realizes that it is the son of one of his members and decides that he will do his good deed for the day and help the boy out. So he stops his car and walks up to the boy and asks, "can I help you?" 
"Sure" says the boy, "lift me up so I can ring the bell" 
With that the pastor grabs the boy under the arms and lifts him so he can ring the bell, as he is lowering the boy back down he asks the boy "anything else" 
The boy replies "Yeah, Run"

from my favorite web comic, click on the image for the full comic, even directly imbedding it made it bigger then it really is. 


and to keep things in a religious humor mode


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## chrisstef (Mar 3, 2010)

nice troll


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

Although those are hilarious, especially if you're weak minded enough to believe it, I was looking for something more like this


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## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

Man, Cr1's fast, lol.
Alright,
"A lawyer walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder…"


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Tylden fire station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 
"Is it possible to speak to someone 
who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. 
What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, 
"Let me put you on hold 
while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, 
the operator returned to the phone and said, 
"I have good news. 
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. 
Her blood pressure is fine; 
her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, 
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. 
God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. 
No one tells me ********************."


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Mother's Driver's License - 
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. 
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*It's the Law!*

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Logical Argument -Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

 Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Three Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


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## bunkie (Oct 13, 2009)

A robot walks into a bar and asks for a screwdriver…


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## fussy (Jan 18, 2010)

One day Southern Baptist preacher is driving down the road when he came upon a rattle-trap pickup truck. He stayed a safe distance behind and dropped further back when the truck commenced to weaving back and forth across the yellow line. Not being too quick to prejudge any dear soul, he said to himself,"The poor soul in that truck must be ill." Then he thought, "I'd better nail the gas and get around this drunk before he runs me off the road." He did, and passed the truck, and at a good clip went flying down the road. Until he hit a slick spot and flipped over thrice. (That's preacher talk for three times). The drunk came upon him a few minutes later, stopped and looked the scene over before staggering to the wreck. (he made it to the wreck in good shape because the Lord was watching him. That's why some people think it's Godly to drink.) The preacher's car was on it's left side, so the drunk climbed up and opened the other door and called down into the car, "Preacher, you allright?" A sonorous voice replied, "Yes son, I'm allright. The Lord's riding with me!" "well, preacher, you better let the Lord ride with me before you kill him!"

Steve


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## GMman (Apr 11, 2008)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

For our rural friends:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and 
goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" 
The kid says 
"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri." 
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did." 
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. 
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one."

The boss says 
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was 
the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The boss says 
"$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you 
sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."


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## GMman (Apr 11, 2008)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*Uh Oh - - its and IN Bred Cat!*


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

NOW…. Where is that Aflac Duck??


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." 
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955." 
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now." 
Gotta love military time!


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

The ending is best - - he really gets rolling fast


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## NBeener (Sep 16, 2009)

Pathological.


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## skeemer (Dec 5, 2011)

I really enjoyed all the anti-Obama stuff, since I couldn't find that in every other thread you post in.


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## DS (Oct 10, 2011)

One old guy says to another, "I think my wife is dead." 
"You THINK she's dead?", the other asks, "What makes you think that?" 
"Well, the sex is about the same, but, the dishes are piling up."


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. 
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you have been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
Youngster, too. He is lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I will send you both to the electric chair.'


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*
Looks like the cat is going swimming today!*


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

math Test


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

FOR BALANCE










Thelma arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load
of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Bubba had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Thelma told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Bubba even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that…..... Bubba was too tired.'


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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

dIRT..i LOVE THE IN BREAD CAT..lol


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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

skeemer said:

*I really enjoyed all the anti-Obama stuff, since I couldn't find that in every other thread you post in.*

He's a one trick pony, obsessed with racial hatred, backed by unfounded facts,on a mission to spread his poison on everything..


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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Can't email something crashed my computer


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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)




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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

The economy has gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

OLDER THAN DIRT

'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 'Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it'.

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck . Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger .

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a 'machine.'

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. 
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you." 
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." 
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." 
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." 
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" 
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." 
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. 
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'

Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'Magic Mirror' to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world."

Angelina perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the most gorgeous woman alive.'

But Brad Pitt lifted his tear stained face and said…..

*'Who the hell is Dr. Dirt



?

Click to expand...

?? *


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## 280305 (Sep 28, 2008)

Some interesting statistics:


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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

one of my favorites..
What do you call 10,00 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? 
A damn good start..


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?

A dictator…...

What was the last thing that went through the bugs head when he hit the car windshield?

His butt…..


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it will always be yours, if it does not, it was never your's to begin with.

BUT if it sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food,uses your telephone, takes your money and does not appear to realize that YOU have set it free…you either MARRIED it or GAVE BIRTH to it !


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## xwingace (Apr 25, 2011)

Little Johhny is having breakfast with his mother, and he looks up from his cereal and says "Mommy, I got up to get a glass of water last night, and when I walked by your room I saw you bouncing up and down on top of daddy. What were you guys doing?" 
"Oh my, uuhh-Well, your daddy's getting kind of fat, so I was just bouncing some of the air out of him," she said.
"Oh, okay," Johhny said, "But you're wasting your time, the lady next door's just gonna blow him back up again."


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## TheDane (May 15, 2008)

A woman woke up at 3am, and was surprised when she put her hand on the side of the bed her husband sleeps on only to find it cold. She thought he must have gotten up for a trip to the bathroom.

When he didn't return after a long while she became concerned, and went to look for him.

As she went downstairs, she noticed a light on in the kitchen. As she drew closer, she saw her husband sitting at the kitchen table, head in hands, sobbing.

She said "What's the matter, are you sick?"

"No", he said, "I'm just sitting here reflecting on the last 20 years."

"Oh", she said, "That's sweet. Are you thinking about memories of our life together?"

"Why, yes I am", he said. "Do you remember when we were just starting to date?"

"Why, yes I do", she said.

"Do you remember the first time we made love in the back seat of my Chevy?", he asked.

"Why, of course I do", she said.

"And do you remember what your Dad said when he caught us?" he asked.

"No, I don't think I do", she said. "What did he say?"

"He said 'Marry my daughter or you'll do 20 years'", the husband said as he buried his head in his hands again, saying "I'd be out today!".


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## GMman (Apr 11, 2008)

http://en.video.sympatico.ca/entertainment/viral-videos/watch/EP_Q_hilarious-motorcycle-fail/1340415327001


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

And you thought there was no such place!!


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*You need a partner to land a job these days….Funny Pepsi Max commercial*


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*********************************** Seafood Dinner


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*The Itch*
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story….........

Pay your bills.


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## muleskinner (Sep 24, 2011)

Speaking of breasts.

My wife approached me a couple weeks ago and asked what I thought about her getting a breast enhancement procedure. Being a red-blooded American male, I told her I had no problem with that at all.

"I've already talked to the doctor", she said, "and it's going to cost about 7 grand"

"Uh,", said I seeing that new cabinet saw, planer and bandsaw receding into the distance. "I don't suppose it's covered by insurance, is it?"

"Nope" she says. "It's cash up front."

Figuring a delaying action was better than an immediate confrontation I told her I'd like to think about it for a while. "It is a tidy bit of cash."

The next morning as I watched her get out of bed and go about her morning routine I was inspired with the answer.

"Honey, I think I know how we can get that breast enlargement for practically free."

"How?"

"Well, every morning when you get up, go into the bathroom. Roll off a handful of tissue and just rub it down your cleavage a couple of times. I pretty sure in no time your breasts will start enlarging."

She looked at me dubiously. "That's crazy. That's not going to make my breasts larger. There's no way that would work!"

I could only shrug. "I wouldn't have thought so either but it sure seems to work on your ass."


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## bunkie (Oct 13, 2009)

I'm pretty certain that the President isn't reading your posts here…

[rim shot]

Don't forget to tip your waitress, folks!


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## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

Queen's Riddle 
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" 
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." 
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?" 
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." 
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" 
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" 
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" 
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me." 
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" 
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" 
Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" 
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!" 
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!


----------



## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

Good one, Jim!


----------



## jack1 (May 17, 2007)

911, what's the emergency?
Guy calling in, "I'm hunting with my buddy and I think he had a heart attack in the tent and died!" 
Ok, calm down and go back into the tent and make sure he's dead…

Seconds pass then, "BAM, BAM, BAM…"

Guy calling in, "OK, now what?"

;0)


----------



## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

Ya Jim that was even funnier when Rush the racist told it…this thread is really making me laugh now…a tea Bagger parrot is pretty funny…
You guys cant leave your bulls**t out in a simple joke thread huh…so predictable…
The real joke thread is over in lances..you wanna laugh go read some of those steaming piles of lawyer babble..


----------



## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

Glad you like' em
Here's a few more. LMAO

Q. What does Barack Obama intend to do about the Washington, D.C. earthquake?
A. Blame it on George Bush.

*

BHO'S TSA

Q. Why isn't TSA catching any terrorists?
A. They don't screen passengers on Air Force One.

*

Obama claims that he has a balanced budget plan. It's exactly one half smoke and one half mirrors.
*

Good News, Bad News

The good news is that Obama has finally begun drilling for oil. The bad news is that he's only drilling in our strategic oil reserve.

The good news is that Obama has finally created some jobs. The bad news is that they're all in India.

*

If you voted for Obama in 2008, it proved you are not a racist. If you vote for Obama again in 2012, it will prove that you are one.

*

A major freeway in California is named after the great Ronald Reagan. After he leaves office, Chicago should name a dead end after Barack Obama.

*

Q. What's the difference between Obama opponents and Obama supporters?
A. The first group works for a living while the second group votes for a living.

*

It was recently revealed that President Obama's autobiography was actually written by the SDS terrorist Bill Ayers. Worse yet, Ayers copied most of it from Jimmy Carter's autobiography.

*

President Obama was interviewing for new accountants to handle the books for his Obamacare scheme. Barack asked the first applicant, "What does one plus one equal?" The accountant was escorted out of the White House after answering, "Two." Barack then asked the next applicant, "What does one plus one equal?" That one answered, "What do you want it to equal?" Obama promptly replied, "You've got the job."

***

The Obama administration has decided to get rid of the old USDA food pyramid. It's being replaced with a food minaret.


----------



## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

How many Tea Baggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None..most don't have electricity in their bomb shelters…


----------



## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

OK I'm not getting sucked into the void that is your tea bagger world. You know nothing about me other than what i wrote in my profile, you don't know where I work, what my work schedule is like, but you profess to know..just like allot of other stuff…but you really KNOW NOTHING. I bet you fired a lot of people in your life when you were assistant manager at Burger King…..you seem like the kind of a person that would get allot of joy out of that..Actually , my boss is a liberal, and I show him your posts and we laugh and laugh, and laugh..

I didn't sink to your level…you like to slander the President..all I did was make a joke about bunch of dumb loonies and racists….this was a pleasant joke thread..people were posting non political jokes..then the short bus dropped off the hate posse and you guys started spewing your BS..Listen, just gather up your slow friends and head back on over to Lances republitard bath house and you guys can wash each others backs, and talk about how evil Obama is…


----------



## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

Just ignore the people trying to clutter it up with political rhetoric, they just don't understand the humor they actually bring with them; so moving right along…

A man in a Jaguar passed a Yugo that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it to the nearest garage.
After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting that he had a Yugo in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Yugo and it's occupant trailing wildly about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph - and a guy in a Yugo flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'


----------



## Magnum (Feb 5, 2010)

Screw the Jokes. I'd rather watch these guys through it back and forth at each other! More Entertaining!!


----------



## 280305 (Sep 28, 2008)

-









-

*Internet Argument Pyramid*


----------



## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

That rant says it all.
It doesn't deserve a response.


----------



## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so
I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from
wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood
in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of a muddy marsh, climbed underneath
several evergreen trees and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a ********************ty golfer.


----------



## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy..


----------



## miles125 (Jun 8, 2007)

There once was a woodworker from Nantucket
Unemployed, he sat on a bucket
With his knife he did whittle
And with his pee pee did fiddle
Till he carved him a girlfriend to s-- it.


----------



## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

and that little phrase you posted at the bottom of that wonderfully worded, intelligent response is correct..I don't like being forced to believe in what the republican right or the Tea Baggers want me to believe..


----------



## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um … no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea…"

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


----------



## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

Man of the year award


----------



## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

Shave and a Haircut

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".


----------



## Manitario (Jul 4, 2010)




----------



## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

I know this isn't a political joke thread..but this is too funny to resist..


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the
young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin…g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.
Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"

And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."


----------



## xwingace (Apr 25, 2011)

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not funny!

How many hipsters does it take?
It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.

How many Microsoft programmers does it take?
None, they just declare darkness to be the new standard.

How many Lumberjocks does it take?
Just one, but it will take 3 days for him to finish building the jig for it.


----------



## Magnum (Feb 5, 2010)

*Anyone for some "Home Grown" Graphiti??*


----------



## KMS (Dec 12, 2009)

The first recorded senior moment.










And that's what happend to the dinosaurs…


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Only a wee bit political - - but

*Next Seasons Dancing with the Stars*


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*Your House As Seen By: 
Yourself… *









*Your Buyer… *









*Your Lender… *









*Your Appraiser… *









*Your County's Tax Assessor… *


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Try and guess what the product is they are selling before the end…


----------



## superstretch (Jan 10, 2011)

Just remember, it wasn't so long ago the repubs had stuff like this shoved in their face: 









In other news,


----------



## xwingace (Apr 25, 2011)

So I hired a hooker who was hard of hearing-she came over to my place and cooked my socks.


----------



## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

For an old man's 80th birthday, some of his friends down at the barber shop hired a hooker and sent her over to his house. She rang the bell, and when he opened the door the gorgeous blonde announced "I'm here to give you super sex."

The old man looked her up and down, thought about it for a few seconds, and said "I'll take the soup."


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

Sign of Bad Economy:

The Hooker had to leave the Leper Colony as business was dropping off. SAD.

And yet another tragedy at the Leper Colony card game; One guy threw his hand in, and another guy laughed so much, his head rolled off. VERY SAD


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

e


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
----------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .. 
MARIA: Here it is. 
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? 
CLASS: Maria. 
_ 
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 
(I Love this child) 
__ 
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE: Me! 
_ 
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
_ 
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' 
MILLIE: I is.. 
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE: All right… 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 
_ 
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand….. 
_ 
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. 
__ 
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. 
__ 
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD: A teacher 
___


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY…

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR…..

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS
WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS
IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24.. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?

25. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASTEROIDS"?

26. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?


----------



## Bertha (Jan 10, 2011)

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
lolololol


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

What a great commercial - - I could picture it happening in real life.


----------



## rodman40 (Jan 11, 2012)

Great jokes to read this fine day. Thanks


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica
- where do they go?

Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird, which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout
its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family
and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow" 
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

Then they kick him in the ice hole.


----------



## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

Since you mentioned penguins:

A penguin is driving from L.A. to Vegas when his car starts running poorly. He pulls into a small desert town and stops at the first repair shop he sees. The mechanic takes a quick look under the hood and says, "This might take a little while to figure out, so feel free to walk around town and kill a little time."

After browsing at a few souvenir shops and checking his email at the public library, the penguin heads back to the auto repair place, stopping at an ice cream shop on the way for a triple-dip vanilla cone. (Penguins get pretty hot in the desert, after all.)

As he enters the shop, the mechanic rolls out from under the car shaking his head and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin laughs, wipes his mouth on his sleeve, and says, "Nah…. that's just ice cream."


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

That was great Charlie - - -maybe we're on a roll


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*Have Grandpa Park your car in the city!!*


----------



## darinS (Jul 20, 2010)

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.

A few weeks later, it's Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can't even take her eyes off it."

Another friend says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third friend replies "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car…reading the manual."

Silence from the fourth guy.

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what's it gonna be?'" and she said "Take a sweater."


----------



## superstretch (Jan 10, 2011)

Ever have one of these days?


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*A REAL cowboy has no fear!*


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

*Update on Sarah Palin and Playboy*

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.

Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news…..... we all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary"meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs.
Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket". It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken ********************.

Just keeping you up to date as this is my civic duty


----------



## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

The presidents of Guinness, Budweiser and Molson decide to meet up at a bar to hang out and talk shop. After seating themselves at the table the waitress comes up and asks what she can get them. The president of Budweiser replies "I'll have the king of beers, make it a bud". The Molson president replies "I'd like a real Canadian beer, make mine a molson". "I'll just have a coke" replies the Guinness president. The other two look at him in shock and ask "why aren't you getting a beer?". 
"I figure if you two aren't drinking then neither should I."


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Good One Russ -

Reminds me of the canadian joke about "How American Beer is like sex in a canoe? "

They are both F-ing close to water


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Well it is Monday Morning!!

*********************************** Pickup Lines…

1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) Fat Penguin … Sorry. I just wanted to say somethin' that would break the ice.
8 ) I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
And .. The best fer last!!
12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up!!!


----------



## xwingace (Apr 25, 2011)

The boss noticed his worker Larry really dragging one morning, so he asked him what was wrong.
"Sorry boss," Larry said, "But I have a ruthless headache. I can't focus on anything." 
"You know what I do for that," The boss said, "I go home at lunchtime and get my wife to give me a BJ. You should try that maybe." 
Larry does indeed take a long lunch, and returns to work with a spring in his step.
"So did that work for you?" the boss grinned.
"You bet!" Larry said. "I feel like a new man! Oh, and you have a really nice house."


----------



## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

DrDirt: It's a shame I'm not single. Being from the south, I think some of those pickup lines have real potential!


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




----------



## patron (Apr 2, 2009)




----------



## Nighthawk (Dec 13, 2011)

I don't mind coming into work every day… but this hanging around for 8 hours to go home again is absolute Bull Sh*t!!!!


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

It's Eggplant!


----------



## DonnyBahama (Jun 21, 2011)

Q: What do turds do when they get *really* scared?

A: They curl up in the fecal position.


----------



## superstretch (Jan 10, 2011)




----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

...
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?

The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


----------



## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)




----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*European Shopping Bags*
































































This one is for a Headhunter firm…. thats awesome!


----------



## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

I was eating lunch on February 20 with a friend and her 6-year-old granddaughter. She was pretty animated as she talked about school and friends and teachers.

As I sipped my coffee, I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

She said, "It's President's Day!"

She is a smart kid. So, I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was expecting her to reply with something about Washington or Lincoln etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.


----------



## muleskinner (Sep 24, 2011)




----------



## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

Muleskinner: The one with the two dogs made me laugh out loud!


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

The dogs are great - I also immediately though about the movie Up! (Probably because the kids watch it so much)


----------



## Jim Jakosh (Nov 24, 2009)

A drunk walks into a Catholic church and into the confessional where the priest was hearing confessions. The drunk did not say a thing for over 10 minutes.
Finally the priest raps on the wall to get his attention.
The drunk says, no use rapping on the wall, there is no paper in this one either!


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Even God likes a good laugh ….
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:
1. He called everyone "brother" 
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. She fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. She kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when she was dead, she had to get up because there was more work to do.


----------



## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

This will make your day.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean 
Elementary in Wooster, Ohio, forwarded the following letter. The letter was 
sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for 
the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and 
was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward 
it to anyone you know who might need a lift today. 


Dear Kean Elementary: 
Agnes Baker

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens 
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of 
my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that 
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten 
lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, 
she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. 
It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched 
me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers..

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,


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## gfadvm (Jan 13, 2011)

Good one David!


----------



## JJohnston (May 22, 2009)

Q: What is Shaquille O'Neal's favorite three-point play?

A: Nine free throws.


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Since Tax season is upon us:

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit 
the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the 
books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said," I notice you 
buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when 
there's too little left to be of any use?"Good question," noted the 
CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and 
every once in a while, they send us a free roll.""Oh," replied the 
auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a 
practical answer.

He went on, in his obnoxious way." What about all these plaster 
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast 
on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the 
inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We 
save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they 
will send us a free bag of plaster."I see," replied the auditor, 
thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the 
circumcision surgeries?"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the 
CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to 
the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store… 
(Please scroll down.)

What were you Thinking?

Her husband speaks English….hellooo!

Now get back to work !

I worry about you 
Sometimes!


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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

Now what?


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared."

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby…*it'll be yours one day*.

Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.


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## gfadvm (Jan 13, 2011)

Now this is a problem!


----------



## BobM001 (Jan 8, 2012)

"*MOTHERHOOD*"

ON THE RIVERBANK









IN THE ARCTIC










IN INDIA










IN AFRICA










WITHIN THE OCEAN










SOMEWHERE NEAR WAL-MART


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

in an effort to save time and money
the FDA has proposed changing the warnings 
on all the drugs sold in america

"to much effort and time is being spent
checking and labeling all the drugs
that are on the market today" 
said Frit Loncton agent for the FDA .

we are proposing that all drugs carry this new
and simplified warning

'IF THIS DRUG DOESN'T CURE YOU ,
IT MAY KILL YOU'

consult a doctor and a mortician
just in case !


----------



## greasemonkeyredneck (Aug 14, 2010)

I'm enjoying this thread.
Too bad I can never remember jokes that wouldn't probably get me thrown off this site.


----------



## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

The Job Center

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went
in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the
gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay
them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving
foam and gently shave the area, then rub in soothing oils so
they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is
$85,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana .

"Good grief; is that where the job is? asked the man

"No sir-- that's where the end of the line is right now."


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

Jim C: LMAO!


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex (Dec 30, 2008)

A gas station owner in Brantley, Alabama was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." 
Soon a local *********************************** pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The *********************************** guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No sex this time." 
A week later, the same ***********************************, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story,
and asked him to guess the correct number. The *********************************** guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." 
As they were driving away, the *********************************** said to his brother,
"I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex." 
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.
It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

*A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?

Most effective pickup line in Georgia: Hey, baby… Nice tooth. *


----------



## JJohnston (May 22, 2009)

Did you hear about the psychic Mexican who knew the exact day he would die?

The Warden told him.


----------



## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' 
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. 
I called him an "A-Hole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Kate called him a "S&%^- head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. 
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. 
We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012 stickers. 
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


----------



## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

An interesting piece of history…
In 1272, the Iranians invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
I hope you appreciate this history update.


----------



## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)




----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

MAN OF THE HOUSE

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled: You can be THE Man of Your House.

Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, *"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.*' 
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."


----------



## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

Just before his wedding the groom's father decides to give his son some advice about being the man of the house. So after the wedding, just after they get in the honeymoon suite, the groom takes his pants off and hands them to his new wife and says "put these on". The bride looks at them a little puzzled and responds "I'm not big enough to wear these, they'd never fit". "That's right" replies the groom smugly "I'm the only one big enough to wear the pants in this family and don't you forget it". Without saying a word the bride opens her suitcase, pulls out her laciest thong, and tosses it to her new husband; "here, put these on". "I can't get in these" he replied. "That's right" the wife fires back "and with your attitude you never will".


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Subject: Brains

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking
tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the
worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is
the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to
pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time,
someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for
a Republican's brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to 'try'
to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable
to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a
Republican's brain?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the
Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."


----------



## xwingace (Apr 25, 2011)

Bubba and Billy-Bob were hanging out at the local watering hole, and Bubba said "Hey, I found a puzzle and finally finished putting it together last night. Took me a month and a half." 
"Is that good?" Billy-Bob asked.
"It's amazing!" Bubba said, "The box says 3 to 5 years!"


----------



## cuttwice (Jan 18, 2011)

$200 sounds like a good price, considering the mileage…


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

THE WHITE LIE
CAKE

The White Lie

You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies 
who bake for church events:

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' 
Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale 
and after rummaging through cabinets, found a cake mix.

She quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and
helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped
flat and the cake as horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear,
there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice
because she wanted to fit in at her new church.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something
to build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work,
Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money with specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and
buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, 
perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself!
Everyone would know! What would they think?
She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people 
pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower
at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob. 
But having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, 
and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for desert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before 
she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" 
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, 
*"Thank you, I baked it myself."*

Alice smiled and thought to herself,

"God is good."


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

A distraught senior citizen 
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'



An older gentleman was 
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife….'
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging: 
Eventually you will reach a point 
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. 
I love to hear them say "you don't look that old." 
-----------------

The older we get, 
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.

-----------------

Some people 
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.



When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when 
Everything either dries up or leaks.
----------------

One of the many things 
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.

-----------------

Long ago 
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft…
Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart 
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, 
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going. 
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too…'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well, 
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says, 
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
-- let's look for yours.' 


(And this final one especially for me,)
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!


----------



## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

A NUN AT HOOTERS - This is clean and cute. A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. When the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'Ma…y I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. The nun went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me, just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender.

'Would you like a drink?' 'No, thank you. But I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?!


----------



## muleskinner (Sep 24, 2011)

Inappropriate headline of the day


----------



## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)




----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*DON'T TEASE A FROG!*


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. 
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Paupers cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn't stop and ask for directions

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. 
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt really bad, and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the vault lid was already in place.
I didn't know what else to do, so I just started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played my heart out for this man with no family and friends. 
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. 
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, 
"I've never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I am still lost….it's a man thing


----------



## patron (Apr 2, 2009)




----------



## chrisstef (Mar 3, 2010)

The Porcupine Theory

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.


----------



## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.
One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" 
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." 
"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, -
"A long time. We're gonna build a house…"


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*If you've ever worked for a boss who reacted before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this!*

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the new CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy jerk did here anyway?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'


----------



## patron (Apr 2, 2009)




----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ********************?'


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*A real mans drink for March Madness*


----------



## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?";


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

Kids write the darnedest things…


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

Ipad humor

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/


----------



## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)

*
Cowboy: GIVE ME THREE PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH…SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!!*


----------



## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

A little fun for the day.


----------



## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

This guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone.


----------



## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Last summer down on Lake Isabella, in the high desert east of Bakersfield, a woman was having trouble with her boat.

No matter how she tried, she just couldn't get her new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It was sluggish in every maneuver, regardless of the power applied. She tried for an hour to make her boat go, but finally gave up and putted over to a nearby Marina for help.

A topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outboard motor pivoted up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

One of the Marina guys jumped in the water to check beneath the boat. He came up almost choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

February 2005, Canada | Canadian winter nights are long and usually quiet, but one exception was the night Constable Morgan responded to a drunk driver call. He caught up to the errant driver and fell in behind in order to establish the commission of the crime. In a short distance, the driver missed a curve and slid into a snow bank. Morgan switched on his lights, stopped his patrol unit, and approached the driver's door.

The driver decided to flee. His tires, mired in the snow, spun wildly but the car went nowhere. Constable Morgan thought he would have a little fun. He began running in place alongside the driver's window. The driver was surprised to see the Constable keeping up with his car. The speedometer read 100 kph.

Constable Morgan broke the window glass with his flashlight and ordered, "Pull over!" The driver's response? He jammed the pedal to the metal!

The car's speedometer had reached 175 kph yet, astonishingly, the Constable was keeping pace and ordering the driver to stop. Finally, convinced he was never going to outrun the fleet-footed officer, the drunk man let off the gas, turned the wheel, and brought his car to a "stop." The Constable escorted the man to his patrol vehicle, which had magically followed the two on their mad dash across the snow-covered tundra.

The man was charged with DWI, speeding, and failing to yield to a policeman. Brought before the judge for arraignment, the man, who had not quite regained his wits, saluted the incredible athletic prowess of the local officers.


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)




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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Choking Procedure

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

David, that one hits close to home considering the check I just mailed them yesterday. I know how the little boy feels.


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Need Light

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

CATHOLIC GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was
out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she
ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he
owned had been loaned out, but
she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann
was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with
gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to
the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank,
two Baptists watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'


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## GrandpaLen (Mar 6, 2012)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


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## superstretch (Jan 10, 2011)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

*How children perceive their Grandparents…..*

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said.. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.


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## BobM001 (Jan 8, 2012)

A little boy in the mall comes up to a security guard and says "I can't find my Grandpa!" 
The guard says to the little boy "What's your Grandpa's name?" 
The little boy says "Grandpa!" 
The guard says "Well, what's he like?" 
The little boy says "Crown Royal whiskey and women with BIG boobs."


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## sandhill (Aug 28, 2007)




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## RandyM68 (Jan 20, 2012)

What do girls from Arkansas say after sex?

"Get off me Daddy, you're crushin' my cigarettes!"


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

RandyM68: And Jesus wasn't born there because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin, right?


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## RandyM68 (Jan 20, 2012)

Absolutely right, Charlie. 
Do you Know why it is so windy in Texas?
Because Oklahoma sucks and New Mexico blows.


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## RandyM68 (Jan 20, 2012)

A friend told me about seeing an ad in the paper offering a *stump broke* cow for sale. 
If you are unfamiliar with the term, it refers to a bovine that has been trained to back up to a tree stump, 
and stay there. 
Bored country boys stand on the stump, line everything up, and, well, you get the idea. 
Obviously, one of this guys buddies had put paced the ad with his phone number. Great prank.
This guy had already been hounded for over a week, when my buddy saw the ad, and he calls, too. 
The guy is already mad when he answers the phone, " I bet you want to buy the cow, too!" 
"No sir, I already have one of my own, 
I was wondering if you wanted to swap out for the weekend."


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Albuquerque resident Jay Johnson said his daughter spotted the image of Jesus on a piece of duct tape as his family was moving into a new home two years ago.

Since the discovery, Johnson said he's kept the image close by and looked to if for inspiration when he's feeling down.

"If you look, he's there, when you're down and out and feeling sorry just look around you'll find him," Johnson said.

In February, a New Mexico man said he found an image of Jesus on a tortilla as he was about to eat Ash Wednesday dinner.


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'

The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

...
back-in-the-day


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

New Mexico Dumb Laws
• Idiots may not vote.

Carrizozo:
• It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public.

Demming
• Hunting is prohibited in Mountain View Cemetery.

New Jersey Dumb City Laws

Bernards Township:
• It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".

Blairstown:
• No street-side trees may be planted that "obscure the air".

Haddon:
• No one may annoy someone of the opposite sex.

Mount Laurel:
• It is illegal to get drunk and annoy others in your house.

Sea Isle City:
• There will be no boiling of bones on the property.

Trenton:
• You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.

New Jersey Dumb State Laws
• It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder.
• It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
• It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
• You may not slurp your soup.
• It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

New Hampshire Dumb Laws
• You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
• You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
• Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
• On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

White Mountain National Forest:
• If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for "maintaining the national forest without a permit".

Nevada Dumb Laws
• It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
• It's still "legal" to hang someone for shooting your dog on your property.

Elko:
• Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask.

Nebraska Dumb Laws
• If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
• It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
• It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
• It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.

Nebraska Dumb City Laws:
Lehigh:
• Doughnut holes may not be sold.

Montana Dumb Laws
• It is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.
• It is illegal for married women to go fishing alone on Sundays, and illegal for unmarried women to fish alone at all.
Billings:
• It is illegal to bring a bomb or rocket at city council proceedings.

Whitehall:
• It is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Missouri Dumb Laws
• Single men between the ages of twenty-one and fifty must pay an annual tax of one dollar

Columbia:
• Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.

Kansas City:
• Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely.

Natchez:
• It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants.

St. Louis:
• It's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

University City:
• No person may own a PVC pipe.
• One may not honk another's horn.

Minnesota Dumb Laws
• The land of 10,000 lakes declares mosquito's a public nuisance.
• It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there.
• A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.
• It is illegal to sleep naked.

Minneapolis:

• Red cars may not drive down Lake Street.

Minnetonka:
• Driving a truck with dirty tires is considered a public nuisance.
• Placing tacks on a sidewalk is considered a public nuisance.

St. Cloud:
• Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.

Michigan Dumb City Laws

Clawson:
• There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

Detroit:
• Couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
• Willfully destroying your old radio is prohibited.
• It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.
• It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose.

Harper Woods:
• It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.

Kalamazoo:
• It is against the law to serenade your girlfriend.

Rochester:
• All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police.
• Smoking while in bed is illegal.

Michigan Dumb State Laws
• A woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
• Any person over the age of 12 may have a license for a handgun as long as he/she has not been convicted of a felony.

Massachusetts Dumb City Laws

Boston:
• It is illegal to play the fiddle.
• Two people may not kiss in front of a church.
• No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.
• It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.
• An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.
• No one may take a bath without a prescription.

Longmeadow:
• It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.

Marlboro:
• One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city

Massachusetts Dumb State Laws
• At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.
• Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.
• Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.
• All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.
• Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.
• A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.
• No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
• It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

Maryland Dumb City Laws

Baltimore:
• Thistles may not grow in one's yard.
• It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.
• It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
• It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday.

Baltimore City:
• You may not curse inside the city limits.

Rockville:
• Persons may not swear while on the highway.
• It is illegal to remove a public building by writing on it.
• Citizens may not swim in the public fountains within the city limits.

Maine Dumb Laws
• You may not step out of a plane in flight.

Maine City Laws:

Augusta:
• To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

South Berwick:
• It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts.

Wells:
• Advertisements may not be placed in cemeteries.

Louisiana Dumb City Laws

New Orleans:
• Chasing fish in a city park is against the law.
• Condoms may not be thrown from parade floats during Mardi Gras.
• You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.
• It is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.

Port Allen:
• No person may predict another's future.

Sulphur:
• It is illegal to have sex with a cow.
• It is illegal to be an alcoholic

Louisiana Dumb Laws
• "Fake" wrestling matches are prohibited.
• One could possibly land in jail for 20 years upon urinating in the city's water supply.
• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
• Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault".
• One could land in jail for up to a year for making a false promise.

Kentucky Dumb Laws

• Throwing eggs at a public speaker could result in up to one year in prison. (Repealed, 1975)

• One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.

• It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.

Kentucky Dumb City Laws:

Fort Thomas:
• Dogs may not molest cars.

Owensboro:
• A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission.

Kansas Dumb Laws
• Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
• Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
• No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
• The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
• If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

Lawrence:
• No one may wear a bee in their hat.

Overland Park:
• One may not picket a funeral.

Topeka:
• No one may sing the alphabet on the streets at night.
• Dead chickens may not be hauled across Kansas Avenue.
• The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.

Wichita:
• One must get a permit from the city if they wish to take dirt from the airport.
• Hopefully everyone in the city has a trash can, because dumping their waste in a city pool is against the law.
• Before proceeding through the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehicle and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.

Iowa Dumb Laws
• A man with a mustache may never kiss a woman in public.
• One-armed piano players must perform for free.
• Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
• A board was created to regulate among other things, hearing aids.

Cedar Rapids:
• It is illegal to read persons' palms in the city limits.

Fort Madison:
• The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Marshalltown:
• Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.

Mount Vernon:
• One must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway.

Ottumwa:
• Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

Indiana Dumb City Laws

Beech Grove:
• It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

Elkhart:
• It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

Evansville:
• While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Indianapolis:
• Hopefully, residents of the city have spedometers on their horses, for they can not ride them in excess of ten miles per hour.
• One may only throw a stone at a bird in self-defense.

South Bend:
• It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Warsaw:
• No one may throw an old computer across the street at their neighbor.

Indiana Dumb Laws:
• Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.
• The value of Pi is 3.
• It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public.
• Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
• A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17.
• It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.
• You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her.
• Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.
• Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.
• Men are prohibited from standing in a bar.
• Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.
• "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" are illegal.
• Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.

Illinois Dumb City Laws
Horner:
• It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.

Kenilworth:
• A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.

Kirkland:
• Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.

Moline:
• Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.

Normal:
• It is against the law to make faces at dogs.

Zion:
• It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

Illinois Dumb Laws:
• You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
• The English language is not to be spoken.

Dumb City Laws in Illinois:

Champaign:
• One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.

Chicago:
• Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
• It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
• It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.
• In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
• It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.

Cicero:
• Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.

Crete:
• It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog.

Des Plaines:
• Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

Evanston:
• It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.

Galesburg:
• No person may keep a smelly dog.
• There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.

Idaho Dumb Laws:
• Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
• You may not fish on a camel's back.
• Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

Idaho Dumb City Laws:

Coeur d Alene:
• If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car.

Pocatello:
• A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.

Hawaii Dumb Laws:
• All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.
• Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.

Georgia Dumb City & County Laws #2
• It is illegal to play catch in any city street.

Gainesville:
• Chicken must be eaten with the hands.

Marietta:
• Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

Quitman:
• It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

St. Mary's:
• No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.

New York Dumb Laws
• Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
• Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".
• A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting.
• It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
• The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
• New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for irreconcilable differences, unless they both agree to it.
• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 PM.

New York Dumb City Laws

Carmel:
• A man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
• Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk.
• Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Greene:
• During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.

North Carolina Dumb Laws
• It's against the law to sing off key.
• Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.
• While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.
• If a man and a woman who aren't married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.
• It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

North Carolina Dumb City Laws:

Barber:
• Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited.

Chapel Hill:
• It is a misdemeanor to urinate or defecate publicly.

Charlotte:
• Women must have their bodies covered by at least 16 yards of cloth at all times.

Dunn:
• No one may visit their departed loved ones late at night.

North Dakota Dumb Laws
• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
• It is legal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon.

North Dakota Dumb City Laws:

Fargo:
• One may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a function where dancing is taking place.

Ohio Dumb State Laws
• In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.
• Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
• It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
• It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
• It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.
• No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

Ohio Dumb City Laws:

Akron:
• It is illegal to display colored chickens for sale.

Bexley:
• Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Canton:
• If one loses their pet tiger, they must notify the authorities within one hour.

Cleveland:
• Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.
• It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!

Lima:
• Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.

McDonald:
• Your duck may not paraded down Ohio Avenue.
• It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Paulding:
• A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Strongsville:
• Catch 22 is banned.

Toledo:
• Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.

Youngstown:
• You may not run out of gas.

Oklahoma Dumb State Laws
• It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo.
• Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
• Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
• Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.
• It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.
• Whaling is illegal.
• It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.
• Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.
• It's statutory rape for a man over 18 to have sex with a female under the age of 18, provided she's a virgin.
• It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.
• It is illegal to have sex before you are married.
• Tissues are not to be found in the back of one's car.

Oklahoma Dumb City Laws:

Ada:
• If you wear New York Jets clothing, you may be put in jail.

Clinton:
• Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.
• Molesting an automobile is illegal.

Hawthahorne:
• It is unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

Schulter:
• Women may not gamble in the nude, in lingerie, or while wearing a towel.

Tulsa:
• You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.
• Elephants are not to be taken into the downtown area.

Wynona:
• One's mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended.
• Mules may not drink out of bird baths.

Oregon Dumb State Laws
• Drivers must yield to pedestrians who are standing on the sidewalk.
• One may not test their physical endurance while driving a car on a highway.
• It is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway.
• Babies may not be carried on the running boards of a car.
• Dishes must drip dry.
• The "Peer Review Statute" prohibits you from finding out details of any written or oral discussion about your medical treatment.
• It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things in your lover's ear during sex.
• One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing."
• Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.

Oregon Dumb City Laws:

Eugene:
• It is illegal to show movies or attend a car race on Sundays.

Klamath River:
• It's illegal to walk down a sidewalk and knock a snakes head off with your cane.

Marion:
• You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.
• Ministers are forbidden from eating garlic or onions before delivering a sermon.

Myrtle Creek:
• One may not box with a kangaroo.

Portland:
• Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
• People may not whistle underwater.

Stanfield:
• It is against the law for animals to have sex in the city limits.

Yamhill:
• It is illegal to predict the future.

Pennsylvania Dumb State Laws
• It is contrary to Pennsylvania law to discharge a gun, cannon, revolver or other explosive weapon at a wedding.
• It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel.
• It it illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
• Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue.
• A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.
• You may not sing in the bathtub.
• Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

Pennsylvania Dumb City Laws:

Allentown:
• There is a ban on men becoming aroused in public.

Bensalem:
• Persons convicted of felonies may not operate Bingo games.

Danville:
• All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires.

Morrisville:
• It is required that a woman have a permit to wear cosmetics.

Pittsburgh:
• It is still illegal to bring a donkey or a mule onto a trolley car.

Tarentum:
• Horses are not to be tied to parking meters.

Rhode Island Dumb Laws
• Cap guns are illegal.
• Ropes may not be strung across a highway.
• No one may bite off anothers leg.
• Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or lunatic is null and void.

Rhode Island Dumb City Laws

Newport:
• You cannot smoke a pipe after sunset.

Providence:
• It is illegal to wear transparent clothing.
• You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

South Carolina Dumb State Laws
• By law, if a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, the marriage must take place.
• No work may be done on Sunday.
• An exception to the above law is that light bulbs may be sold.
.• Horses may not be kept in bathtubs.
• A permit must be obtained to fire a missile.
• It is perfectly legal to beat your wife on the court house steps on Sundays.
• It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide.

South Carolina Dumb City Laws

Charleston:
• The Fire Department may blow up your house.

Fountain Inn:
• Horses are to wear pants at all times.

Greenville:
• The drinking age on Furman University campus is 60 years old.

Myrtle Beach:
• It is illegal to urinate in the waters of any park.

Spartanburg:
• No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants.

South Dakota Dumb Laws
• It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
• Eating watermelons in the Magnolia Street cemetery is forbidden.

Tennessee Dumb Laws
• You can't shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
• Hollow logs may not be sold.
• More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.
• It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
• Ministers are to be dedicated to God and therefore are not eligible to hold a seat in either House of the Legislature.
• No Christian parent may require their children to pick up trash from the highway on Easter day.
• It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.
• The definition of "dumb animal" includes every living creature.
• It is illegal to dare a child to purchase a beer.
• It is illegal to place tacks on a highway.
• Skunks may not be carried into the state.

Tennessee Dumb City Laws

Bell Buckle:
• One may not throw bottles at a tree.

Dyersburg:
• It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

Fayette County:
• You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.

Kimball:
• Bar owners may not let patrons make loud, unusual noises.

Lexington:
• By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground.

Memphis:
• Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
• It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.

Nashville:
• No person may keep a cheetah as a pet.
• Males may not be sexually aroused in public.

Oneida:
• An ordinance forbids anyone to sing the song "It Ain't Goin' To Rain No Mo'.

Texas Dumb State Laws
• One must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.
• The Bluebonnet is the official song of the state flower.
• It is illegal to sell ones eye.
• A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
• Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
• It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

Texas Dumb City Laws

Abilene:
• It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

Austin:
• Wire cutters can not be carried in your pocket.

Beaumont:
• Collegiate football is banned at Lamar University.

Clarendon:
• It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster.

Dallas:
• It's illegal to possess realistic dildos.

El Paso
• Urinating on the streets is illegal.

Galveston:
• One needs permission from the director of parks and recreation before getting drunk in any city park.
• No person shall throw trash from an airplane.

Houston:
• It is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.
• Beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday.

Lubbock County:
• It is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream.

Mesquite:
• It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

Port Arthur:
• Obnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator.

Richardson:
• It is now illegal to place a "for sale" sign on a car if it visible from the street.

San Antonio:
• It is illegal to urinate on the Alamo.
• It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

Temple:
• You can ride your horse in the saloon.

Texarkana:
• Owners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.

Utah Dumb Laws
• It is against the law to fish from horseback.
• It is illegal not to drink milk.
• It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon.
• Birds have the right of way on all highways.
• A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
• It is a felony to persistently tread on the cracks between paving stones on the sidewalk of a state highway.
• It is considered an offense to hunt whales.
• No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.
• It is illegal to cause a catastrophe.

Utah Dumb City Laws:

Logan:
• Women may not swear.

Salt Lake County:
• No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.
• Auctions may not be advertised by hiring trombone players to play on the street.

Tremonton:
• It is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance and if you are caught the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper.

Trout Creek:
• Pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.

Vermont Dumb Laws
• Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
• At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
• It is illegal to deny the existence of God.

Vermont Dumb City Laws:

Barre:
• All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.

Virginia Dumb Laws
• Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary.
• There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery" by any person other than candidates.
• You may not engage in business on Sundays, with the exception of almost every industry.
• If one is not married, it is illegal for him to have sexual relations.
• Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.
• It is illegal to tickle women.

Virginia Dumb City Laws:

Culpeper:
• No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk.

Norfolk:
• Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.
• A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.
• Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

Prince William County:
• No person may keep a skunk as a pet.
• It is illegal to cuss about another.

Richmond:
• It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.

Washington Dumb Laws
• It is illegal to attach a vending machine to a utility pole without prior consent from the utility company.
• No person may walk about in public if he or she has the common cold.
• Destroying a beer cask or bottle of another is illegal.
• It is illegal to entice girls away from the Maple Lane School for girls.
• X-rays may not be used to fit shoes.
• All lollipops are banned.
• A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town".
• It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.

Washington Dumb City Laws:

Bremerton:
• You may not shuck peanuts on the street.

Lynden:
• Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.

Seattle:
• *You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.*
• Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
• No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.

Spokane:
• Persons may not wear a life jacket near the Spokane River.

Wilbur:
• You may not ride an ugly horse.

West Virginia Dumb Laws
• Unmarried couples who live together and "lewdly associate" with one another may face up to a year in prison.
• Any person who commits adultery shall be fined at least twenty dollars.
• It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lb
• Roadkill may be taken home for supper.
• Whistling underwater is prohibited.

West Virginia Dumb City Laws:

Alderson:
• One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.

Huntington:
• Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.
• It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.

Wisconsin Dumb State Laws
• As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.
• Condoms were considered an obscene article and had to hidden behind the pharmacist's counter.
• State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.

Milwaukee:
• An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car.

• If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
• It is illegal to purchase or use sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.

Racine:
• Missiles may not be shot at parade participants.
• It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

Sun Prairie:
• Nuclear weapons may not be manufactured in the city limits.
• Cats are forbidden from entering cemeteries.

Wyoming Dumb Laws
• If one is drunk in a mine, he or she could land in jail for up to a year.
• Junk dealers may not make any business transactions with drunk persons.
• Using a firearm to fish is strictly forbidden.
• It is illegal for women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking.
• You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## RandyM68 (Jan 20, 2012)

Damn, David, did you type all that crap? I'm wore out just from reading it.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

*randy*
hardly 
i just cut and pasted 
from here

http://www.jokesgalore.com/show.php

there are many more
i just picked the ones that were really funny
they have a section
called 'dumb laws'


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

.


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that
the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!
What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to
himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly
charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on
him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his
eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even
closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run
faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over
to pick himself up, but saw the bear… right on top of him…
reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to
strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God, please help
me…"

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was
ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. A brilliant ray of
light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man. A powerful
voice spoke to him,

"You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach
others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic
accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light "It would be
hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these
years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light
disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The
river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the
gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both
paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly
thankful."


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## waho6o9 (May 6, 2011)

Most excellent Patron, thanks.


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## RandyM68 (Jan 20, 2012)

A guy gets off of work a few hours early one day. 
He thinks this would be a great time to take his wife out on the town. 
On the way home he buys wine, flowers, and even picked up tickets to some musical she had been yammering about. 
As he walks in the door he hears strange noises coming from the back of the house. 
Fearing an intruder, he quickly puts down the wine and roses, and picks up the twelve gauge. 
He creeps down the hall, into the bedroom, and there was his sweetheart and another man. 
Well, I don't know if you've ever had a shotgun in your ear before, but most people don't even try to argue. Our hero takes the naked man at gunpoint, and leads him to the shop. 
Tightening the vice down on his now shriveled pecker, he then removes the handle. 
The guys eyes widen, as he reaches for a hacksaw, and he *tries* to pull away. 
"Oh my God!! You're not going to cut it off are you?" 
"Nope" he grins, handing him the saw, "You are, 
I'm gonna set the shop on fire."


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## RandyM68 (Jan 20, 2012)

I was talking to friends about the worst pain we'd ever felt in our lives. 
There were the usual stories about broken bones, from falls, car wrecks and mean horses, 
and a few assorted bullet holes and stab wounds. 
All routine stuff, right? 
One guy says he can tell us about the second worst pain he had ever felt in his life. 
One time, while on a camping trip, he needed to answer the *call*. 
He picks a likely spot, and sqauts down,
triggering a bear trap with his junk !!
"My god, man, what could hurt worse than that?" 
"When I took off running,
and hit the end of the chain.


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life

Now….what is the moral to this story?

The moral is….. 
If you don't let a woman have her own way…. 
Things are going to get ugly


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

This should sell like hotcakes - - DYSON/LG Vacuum


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

SHAMPOO WARNING !!! 
I NEVER KNEW THIS!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN 
YOU SHOWER WITH IT!

WARNING TO US ALL! YOU NEED TO READ THIS!

SHAMPOO WARNING !!

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the 
shower !

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and 
printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that 
shampoo and I am going to start showering with DAWN DISH SOAP 
instead.

It's label reads,

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*"Today President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in." -Conan O'Brien*


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*"John Boehner-doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of guy who licks his thumb when he counts his money." -David Letterman *


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## KMTSilvitech (Feb 10, 2011)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

But Dan - at least the creepy guy at the hotel bar isn't usually crying like a 6 year old after seeing "old yeller"


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*"Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama."-Craig Ferguson *


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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.*
...








...


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## robbiethewood (Apr 3, 2012)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*''Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually.'' -David Letterman*


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## LukieB (Jan 8, 2012)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Five Rules to Remember in Life

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

Global Facts About = Sex

*At any given moment:*

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading jokes on the internet.

You hang in there, sunshine!


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed… "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" 
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men…
are men!


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## jeepturner (Oct 3, 2010)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

​


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## GrandpaLen (Mar 6, 2012)

My sister sent this to me in ernest the other day, she's such a chauvinist. lol


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

you ever hear the one about the blind wood inspector? lumber yard runs an add for a wood inspector, a blind guy shows up for the job. the two partners that own the lumber yard say sorry you need to look at the wood and grade it, we need some one that's not blind. the blind guy says bring in a piece of wood and i will inspect and grade it for you. they figure what the hell and bring one in. the blind guy takes a sniff and savors it and says this is a piece of Honduran mahogany about fifty years old and its grade a. well the two partners look at each other and say wow, that's correct. so they bring in more wood and the blind guy gets it every time. finley they figure they will have some fun with the guy so the put the secretary on the desk and ask him what kind of wood is this. he takes a big wiff and thinks about it and says im not sure can you turn it over so i can check the other side, i think i know what it is. so they turn her over and he takes a sniff and says well you may have stumped me but i think its a ******************** house door from an old tuna fishing boat.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

Will I live to see 80 ?

I recently visited my doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age, considering my big heart attack a couple years ago. (I'm almost 49).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Very seldom"

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said…

He looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you give a ********************?


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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)




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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was a karate chop from Korea.''

The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a karate chop from China.''

The little guy got up and decided he wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!''


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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

A young man reported for his first day of work at a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the warehouse." "But I'm a graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom- I'll show you how."


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)




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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

Great clip, Dr. Dirt!!!!


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the sideand finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?'

'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'


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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

So sad but so true…..


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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)




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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves.

ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators.

NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener.

FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.


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## xwingace (Apr 25, 2011)

Patron-I think a lot of us need Projectra!


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## jeepturner (Oct 3, 2010)

Instructions to catch a polar bear.

1. Cut a hole in the ice.
2. Put a line of peas around the hole.
3. Wait. 
4. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken..


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too.'


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## spunwood (Aug 20, 2010)

When bored at one of my jobs, I often make up jokes…here are a few originals:

What you call a cow who has had a hysterectomy?

Decalfinated

What do you call it when 10 baby cows race for their mama's milk?

A Decalf-a-lon

What do farmers call a helpful cow who complains too much?

Filet Minion

What kind of report did the lonely police officer file?

A missing persons report

Back in the wild west, a journalist was pardoned just before his execution. What did they quote him as saying?

"No noose, is good news."


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*

A visitor to Mississippi decided to take a walk along the river in the cool of the evening. His host warned him that the mosquitoes in the area had been acting up lately, tormenting the alligators until they moved down the river. But the visitor just laughed and told his host he wasn't to be put off from his evening constitutional by a few mosquitoes.

As he promenaded beside the flowing Mississippi, he heard the whirling sound of a tornado. Looking up, he saw two mosquitoes descend upon him. They lifted him straight up in the air and carried him out over the river.

"Shall we eat him on the bank or in the swamp?" he heard one ask the other.

"We'd better eat him on the bank," said the other. "Or else the big mosquitoes in the swamp will take him away from us."

Frightened near to death, the man lashed out at the mosquitoes until they lost their grip and dropped him into the river. He was carried two miles downstream before he was fished out by a riverboat pilot. The man left Mississippi the next day, and has never gone for another walk from that day to this.

*


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## xwingace (Apr 25, 2011)

Have you heard about the new LeBron James cell phone? It works great, but has no ring.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

Good one !!! I'm a big LB fan and it really hit the spot.
,,,


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)

An elderly widow brings the only photo of her husband to the photo developing place.
She says to the guy behind the counter, "this is the only photo I have of my husband, and I'd like you to do something with it." 
the man looks at the photo and asks what he can do to help.
"Well, Johnny was a farmer, man and boy, and this photo was taken at the cattle mart, I'd like you remove the bullock please." 
"We can do that, no problem," the guy says, "come back next Friday and it'll be done." 
The widow comes back on Friday and looks at the photo, the prize bullock is gone "that's marvelous she says, but can you do one thing more?" 
The photo guy asks what she wants and she says "Well, his arm looks funny where he was holding the bullock, can you straighten out his arm?, 
"We can do that, no problem," the guy says, "come back next Friday and it'll be done." 
The widow comes back on Friday and looks at the photo, the arm is straight, right by his side "that's marvelous she says, but can you do one thing more?" 
The photo guy asks what she wants and she says "He's wearing those old green wellies, can you make it look like he was wearing shoes?" 
"We can do that, no problem," the guy says, "come back next Friday and it'll be done." 
The widow comes back on Friday and looks at the photo, Johnny is wearing patent leather shoes "that's marvelous" she says, "but can you do one thing more?" 
The photo guy asks what she wants and she says "He's wearing an old string vest, can you give him a collar and tie?" 
We can do that, no problem, the guy says, come back next Friday and it'll be done.
The widow comes back on Friday and looks at the photo, he's looking smart with a collar and tie "that's marvelous" she says, "but can you do one thing more?" 
The photo guy asks what she wants and she says "He's wearing that old woolie hat, can you get rid of the hat please" 
"We can do that, no problem," the guy says, "but tell me, on which side did your husband part his hair?"

"Sure, won't you know yourself when you take off the hat"


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## JJohnston (May 22, 2009)

Did you hear about the guy addicted to brake fluid?

He can stop any time he wants.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu….
Tourist: $8.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $12.50
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
.
.
..
'
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
.
.
.
.

"Why such a high price for the Politicians?" 
....
.
.
.
.
.

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of ********************, it takes all morning."


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## DS (Oct 10, 2011)




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## DS (Oct 10, 2011)




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## Enoelf (Mar 15, 2012)

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade & I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade & behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in & the conditions were explained to him & he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3×3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6×6?"

Harry: " 36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks & tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal & Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide & before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down & a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' & ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat & excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…...


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks. The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly


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## helluvawreck (Jul 21, 2010)

So far I like the Ethal joke. :-|

helluvawreck aka Charles
http://woodworkingexpo.wordpress.com


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## JJohnston (May 22, 2009)

The "not eating properly" reminds me of Ted Striker's "drinking problem" from the "Airplane!" movies.


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## JJohnston (May 22, 2009)

Q: What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

A: Mick Jagger says, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!" and the Scotsman says, "Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe!"


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

An old minister was dying. He sent a message for a local IRS agent from his parish and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered into his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared, starry-eyed, at the ceiling. For a few moments, no one said anything. Both the agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old minister would ask them to be with him during his final moments. But, they were also puzzled because the minister had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer, looking with some agitation at his watch, broke the silence and asked, "reverend, exactly why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old minister mustered up his last remaining strength, and said… "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."


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## S4S (Jan 22, 2011)

Everyone at the big family reunion

laughed really loud in *disbelief *when

*Grandpa* announced that he *was driving Himself into Town*,

But No One was laughing when he showed up two hours later

with a Drunk hooker ….............................................................................................~jack handy


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

John decides he wants to be a hog farmer in addittion to his regular job and his wife agrees. The old farmer down the road tells him to buy two sows and he can mate them with his hog. So John buys two sows over the weekend, gets up early Monday morning and loads them in the truck. He drives down the road to the farmers house and unloads the sows and there's quite a ruckus at the farm all day. He goes to work and comes back that night and loads up the sows, takes them home and unloads them in the pen. He calls the farmer back and ask him "How will I know if it took", the farmer says "If their eating grass in the morning it took" but "If their in the mud it didn't". The next morning John jumps out of bed looks out the window and the sows are in the mud. He calls the farmer and loads up the sows, hauls them down the road, unloads them, goes to work, comes home, goes to the farmers house, loads them back up, hauls them home, and unloads them in the pen. The next morning the same thing and this went on for a month. Finallly one morning John was so exalted that he asked his wife to look out the window for him.

John says sadly: Honey are my sows in the mud?

Wife: No

John says sitting up in bed: ARE THEY EATING THE GRASS?

Wife: No their in the truck blowing the horn.


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

You got me with that one, Dan! 

My buddy told me the other day "Man, I got so drunk at the bar the other night I ended up taking a bus home." He said "I did pretty good considering I'd never driven a bus before."


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

There were five houses of religion in a smalltown:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, The PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow, and there were twice as many there the next week.

The METHODIST CHURCH got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But-The CATHOLIC CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about The JEWISH SYNAGOGUE, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision, and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

BLONDE PHONE CALL
..
.









.
Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth, why did you do that?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

Thanks ODIE !


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." 
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
Failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
Hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both
House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was
About three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." 
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
To open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time
The darn phone was ringing off the hook." 
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
Me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke." 
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a
Rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, 
all I did was tell her."

Thanks ODIE !


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*A South Carolina pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. 
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous beauty with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. *


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## DMIHOMECENTER (Mar 5, 2011)




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## DKV (Jul 18, 2011)

Here's the joke of the day. JimC no longer wants to play in any of my sandboxes. He said it…he really did. That won't last long. Jim just loves to harass me. That's ok though as long as he is having fun. Anyway, this is what he said. Note the last sentence.

There you go DKV, start another posting so you can continue whatever it is you're trying to accomplish in a verbal marathon.I won't be there.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!

Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

The wife responded "Cake? What do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?


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## Surfside (Jun 13, 2012)

Hahahah..really funny jokes here!


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## helluvawreck (Jul 21, 2010)

Considering this world I would only add: where would us humans be if it were not for our ability to laugh?

Thanks for the post.

helluvawreck aka Charles
http://woodworkingexpo.wordpress.com


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

​


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

I love the before/after pic. My MIL visited 2 weeks ago. Her first day I went to the store and came back with a 12 pack of TP. I showed it to her and told her that if she needed more in 2 days I would get it for her. She didn't think that was funny but my FIL laughed real hard about it.


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## Annaa (Sep 9, 2012)

Great forum and funny posts.


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

A little old lady was wandering through the local hardware store when one of the store clerks asked if he could help. She said "I looking for hinges for my screen door". So he took her to the aisle where the hinges were located and showed her one that should work. She said "that is the one I need". The clerk said "how about a screw for the hinge?" To which she replied "no but I'll bl.. you for a toaster!"


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

oldnovice:

What is so funny about that joke is that I first heard it over 30 years ago, and "toaster" was the object referred to then. I always wondered, "why a toaster in a hardware store?" So, over the years, I usually change "toaster" to "hammer" when I tell it. It cracks me up that you heard it with "toaster" as well.


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

Charlie,

Since this is joke thread … you can't be that old to have heard that joke 30 years ago!

Another age joke!

*During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"*


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

ha…...


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

At Saint Mary's Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At a session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insights into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!" 
The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." 
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."

One Sunday the pastor of a small church is really preaching it from the pulpit on how to love your enemies in a proper christian manner. In the middle of his sermon he calls out, "if anyone here hasn't got any enemies, let them stand now and be acknowledged for the good Christian that they are". For the most part there is silence but one old man stands up. "is it true sir that you haven't a single enemy in this world" the pastor asks in stunned disbelief. "Yes sir" the man replies. With that the pastor invites the man to stand before the congregation and receive an ovation for his Christian lifestyle. Turning to the man, he asks "can you tells us how to live so that we too may have no enemies?", "sure" he replies "all you've gotta do is outlive every one of the sons a bitches".


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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."

A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees' fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis Church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees' fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees' fan.""That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

*Scary, funny, but true!*

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the barcode so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.


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## Gshepherd (May 16, 2012)




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## benchbuilder (Sep 10, 2011)

Three ladys walking on the beach, they find an old lantern and one gives it a rub to brush off the sand and "puff" out pops a jinnie, he says you have three wishs. So the first lady say, ' I want a million dollars" so, puff, she has a milllion dollars, the second lady says " I want the best house in the world, so, puff, she has a huge fancy home. The third lady says, " I want to be the smartest and handiest person alive, so, puff, shes a MAN…


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*Football question for ya'....

Last year after the Packers / Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb. Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips and most of his staff.

After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress and most of his staff.

Four weeks after losing to the Packers, 49er's coach Mike Singletary and most of his staff were fired and replaced.

During the Bears playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.

So here's the question….Is it just me, or did the Packers create more jobs last year than Obama?

*


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

Love it Dan!


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

*One day at work!*

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
While typing one day she turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" 
"Just use paper from the photocopier", the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

Ole Svenson's car was hit by a truck in an accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da…'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road…..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side.
I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da utter ditch. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'. 'Shortly after da accident da Visconsin Highvay Patrol guy, he came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, too, so he vent over to her'. 'After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da ice.
Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?


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## renners (Apr 9, 2010)




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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

What is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steering himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)

BORED HUSBAND

A wife insisted that her recently retired deputy sheriff husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, the wife is like most women; she loved to browse.

Yesterday she received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Porter,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Porter are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

#1 June 15:

Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

#2 July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

#3 July 7:

Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

#4 July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

#5 August 4:

Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

#6 August 14:

Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

#7 August 15:

Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

#8 August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

#9 September 4:

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

#10 September 10:

While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

#11 October 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

#12 October 6:

In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sized funnels.

#13 October 18:

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

#14 October 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

#15 October 21:

Placed fake severed hand from Halloween aisle under bag of frozen food in grocery department

And last, but not least.

#16 October 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"


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## Earlextech (Jan 13, 2011)

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that walked into a bra?


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## JJohnston (May 22, 2009)

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really is a dog.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## derosa (Aug 21, 2010)

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back

A blonde is driving down the road knitting as she goes. A police officer sees her and begins to follow. The blonde is busy knitting and driving and doesn't notice she is being followed by the police. Shortly, the police officer gets on the loudspeaker and says "Pull over!" The blonde replies, to no one in particular, "No…it's a cardigan."

So I'm sitting at the bar having a pint and minding my own business when two women walk in and take a seat a few stools down from me. When they order their drinks I notice they've both got strong accents that I can't quite place. I listen to them talking for a few minutes and finally ask "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" They both turn towards me with looks that could kill and one angrily replies "It's Wales you idiot." "I'm sorry" I reply, "Are you two whales from Scotland?" 
That's the last thing I remember.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected
His sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad…

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Adams, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change",

but don't count on things smelling any better.


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## DLCW (Feb 18, 2011)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A serial killer and a little boy start their trek into the forest just before dusk. After a walking about a half an hour, the little boy says, "Its getting dark and I'm scared". The serial killer replies, "You think you are scared? I have to walk back alone".


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*This is a touching story just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principals office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
-----------------------

Dear Kean Elementary,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Ethel Jones
*


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## matk (Nov 24, 2012)

bring on the woodworking memes


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*My neighbor was working in his yard when he was 
startled by a late model car that came crashing through 
his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the 
car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear
quite elderly to be driving." 
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. 
"I'll be 97 next month, 
and I am now old enough that I don't even need 
a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me 
and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and
handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer,
cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, 
saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

stolen from Odies BLOG 11 30 2012*

http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


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## DrDirt (Feb 26, 2008)

From my 4th Grader….

What is the difference between Justin Bieber and a Snickers Bar?

->The Snickers Bar has Nuts….

Kids to keep you young.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

Loving on the Lawn….

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation,
I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them…...
I just never saw one mounted and framed."


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

THE DEMISE OF HOSTESS BAKERY

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike.
But you may not have heard how it was split up after the Government bankruptcy takeover:
The State Department hired all the Twinkies,
The Secret Service hired all the HoHos,
The Generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes, and
The voters sent all the Ding Dongs to the House of Representatives.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim 
agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country…the history, the beer, the culture…"

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.

"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."


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## patron (Apr 2, 2009)




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## tierraverde (Dec 1, 2009)

Skip and his wife walked into a dentist's office. Skip said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in
my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I
don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,
and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in
town and it's 9:30 already… I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic
to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show
him…....."


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

WISH TO LIVE FOREVER

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed 
to grant eternal life." 
government gets it's act together".

"You crafty little bastard you" said the fairy

My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text…
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you!

I texted back…………………………..


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*A young woman was
having a physical examination and was very
embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she
removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
"I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I
let myself go." The physician was checking hers
eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You
don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The
doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her
face and said, "Of course. Now just open your
mouth and say moo." 
*


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## oldnovice (Mar 7, 2009)

I went to the hardware store to buy some 5/16"x 18×5/8" bolts, put the on the checkout counter and reached for my wallet. The clerk said "do you want nuts for those?" I replied, "no, I'm allergic to nuts!"


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
'It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!'*


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ….. I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..'










Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
soon do you need to know?'*


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a massive heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date:February 16, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. They went out for a walk and saw a magic golden frog. The rabbit and bear said, "Goodie, three wishes!" The frog then said, "No, six wishes since there are two of you." They got even more excited.

The bear went first. "I wish that all the bears in this forest are females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

The bear hesitated, then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were females, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit already knew what he wanted, "I wish for a motorcycle!" POOF! His wish was granted.

The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way! And, may I add, choose carefully your last wish!!"

The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. With a smirk on his face he said, "I wish the bear were gay."


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A man and his family were driving in Washington, D.C., and the traffic was at a standstill. Ahead of him, the man saw a police officer coming down the line of traffic and talking to each driver in turn. Finally, the police officer gets to the man. He asks, "What's happening?"

The police officer replies, "Terrorists have invaded Congress and holding them all hostage. They are demanding $10 million dollars, or they will throw gasoline all over Congress and set them ablaze. We (the police) are going from car to car asking for donations."

The man asked, "How much are people donating?"

The officer replied, "About a gallon each."


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A burglar is robbing a home, and is about to pick up the stereo when he hears a voice saying Jesus is watching you. He stops and turns around and sees no-one is home, but spies a parrot.

He asks the parrot, did you just say Jesus Is watching you. The parrot says yes, and Jesus is watching you. The burglar asks the parrot his name and the parrot says my name is Moses.

The burglar says, that's weird who'd name a parrot Moses ?? The parrot says the same person who named the Rottweiler Jesus .


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## NGK (Mar 2, 2013)

DOG A-"Ha, ha, Biff. I'm going to the vet to get tutored."

DOG B-Just smiles.


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## woodbutcherbynight (Oct 21, 2011)

While in Iraq a female soldier was wounded. Two soldiers called me on the radio and requested my assistance. Providing cover fire for me while I ran to her, accessed the injury, inserted a cotex into her shoulder wound and then ran like hell with her over my shoulder to the nearest bunker. Two weeks later the contracting company I was working for wrote me up and threatened to fire me for "inappropriately touching a females buttocks." Despite being given a Citation of Valor from the Army for aiding this fallen soldier this company refused to reconsider. UNTIL her grandmother called her Senator and he ran the story in some local news. Fearing I would tell all upon my termination the company decided grabbing ass to hold this soldier over my shoulder was not such a bad idea after all…........ (Laughing)


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired 
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. 
The blonde responded by saying that one was named 
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 
'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 
'HELLLOOOOOOO…...,' answered the blonde. 
'They're watch dogs'!


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

*A OLD male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"*


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## darinS (Jul 20, 2010)




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