# NO SPEAKA DE ENGLISH!



## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
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Hellooooooo, her husband, a Canadian, spoke perfect English!

...What were YOU thinking … exactly???

Now get back to your emails.










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## odie (Nov 20, 2007)




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## kolwdwrkr (Jul 27, 2008)

LOL, That was a good one Dan


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## cabinetmaster (Aug 28, 2008)

ROFLMAO…......................LOL good one Dan.


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## matt1970 (Mar 28, 2007)

dan where did you find a picture of the unknown woodworker with no bag on???


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

Matt - I found a website called www.strangepersons.com


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## odie (Nov 20, 2007)

*Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally
on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.*










*St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.*


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## Chipncut (Aug 18, 2006)

An elderly lady walked into a newspaper to place an obituary, because her husband died.

The man gave her form to fill out, she filled it out, &handed it to him.

It said, *Toivo died*.

The man said you can write 5 words for the $5 it'll cost you.

So she sat down, & thought for awhile, & wrote some more.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She wrote,* Toivo died, boat for sale.*


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## Grumpy (Nov 9, 2007)

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY FROM DOWN UNDER

DAN, DID YOU CREATE THAT WEBSITE?


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## odie (Nov 20, 2007)

No speaka de English …


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

Insults about Nationalities and by Country

Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car.
- - - Bill Bryson

In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.
- - - Geoffrey Cottrell

There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch.
- - - David Frost and Anthony Jay

America

America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top.
- - - Charlie King

Americans always try to do the right thing-after they've tried everything else.
- - - Winston Churchill

Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup, mustard, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment which destroys the original flavor of the dish.
- - - Henry Miller

America is one long expectoration.
- - - Oscar Wilde

America knows nothing of food, love, or art.
- - - Isadora Duncan

I don't see much future for the Americans. Everything about the behavior of the American society reveals that it's half judaized, and the other half is negrified. How can one expect a state like that to hold together?
- - - Adolf Hitler

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- - - Woody Allen

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.
- - - Mark Twain (about America)

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.
- - - Miles Kington

Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
- - - Oscar Wilde

The 100% American is 99% idiot.
- - - George Bernard Shaw

Their demeanor is invariably morose, sullen, clownish and repulsive. I should think there is not, on the face of the earth, a people so entirely destitute of humor, vivacity, or the capacity for enjoyment.
- - - Charles Dickens (about Americans)

Canada

Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
- - - Richard Brenner

I fear that I have not got much to say about Canada, not having seen much; what I got by going to Canada was a cold.
- - - Henry David Thoreau "A Yankee in Canada" (1853)

England

Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
- - - Jackie Mason

England, the heart of a rabbit in the body of a lion. The jaws of a serpent, in an abode of popinjays.
- - - Eugene Deschamps

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.
- - - Fred Allen "Treadmill to Oblivion"

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark.
- - - Duncan Spaeth

The English think soap is civilization.
- - - Heinrich von Treitschke

The Englishman who has lost his fortune is said to have died of a broken heart.
- - - Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is one thing on earth more terrible than English music, and that is English painting.
- - - Heinrich Heine

France

The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.
- - - P.J.O'Rourke

France is a country where the money falls apart but you can't tear the toilet paper.
- - - Billy Wilder

Germany

German in the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747.
- - - Willy Rushton

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.
- - - Mark Twain

The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.
- - - Clifton Fadiman

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
- - - P.J. O'Rourke "Holidays in Hell"

Greece

Few things can be less tempting or dangerous than a Greek woman of the age of thirty.
- - - John Carne

Ireland

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
- - - Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent.
- - - Hugh Leonard

Japan

The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.
- - - Paul Theroux

Russia

In Russia a man is called reactionary if he objects to having his property stolen and his wife and children murdered.
- - - Winston Churchill

Russians will consume marinated mushrooms and vodka, salted herring and vodka, smoked salmon and vodka, salami and vodka, caviar on brown bread and vodka, pickled cucumbers and vodka, cold tongue and vodka, red beet salad and vodka, scallions and vodka-anything and everything and vodka.
- - - Hedrick Smith "The Russians"

Scotland

Scotland: A land of meanness, sophistry and lust.
- - - Lord Byron

Scotland: That garret of the earth - that knuckle-end of England - that land of Calvin, oatcakes, and sulfur.
- - - Sydney Smith

Yugoslavia

The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.
- - - Ed Begley, Jr.


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE (AND THEIR HUSBAND'S)

Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women walk even further back behind their husbands, and seem appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms . Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'


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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

give this a couple minutes to load










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## odie (Nov 20, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

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## odie (Nov 20, 2007)




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## SCOTSMAN (Aug 1, 2008)

I see a couple of pictures of my sister there.Alistair


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## odie (Nov 20, 2007)




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## DanYo (Jun 30, 2007)

theres a bad accident and the cops arrive. 
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a couple has been killed, but there's a monkey that is still alive. 
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the policeman says to the monkey, do you understand english? 
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the monkey nods yes. 
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the policeman says can you tell us what happened right before the accident occurred?
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the monkey nods yes. the policeman says. so what happened? 
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the monkey gestures smoking pot. the policeman says, they were smoking pot? 
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the monkey nods yes. what else asked the cop? the monkey gestures drinking. 
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the cop says they were drinking booze? the monkey nods yes. 
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the cop says what else? the monkey gestures sex. 
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the cops says they were having sex? .
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the monkey nods yes. 
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the cop says ok before the accident occurred the couple was smoking pot, drinking booze, and having sex, is that right? 
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the monkey nods yes 
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the cop says while all this was going on, monkey, what were you doing? 
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the monkey gestures, driving


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