# Joke Of The Day



## Grumpy

Hemi the builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.

The builder went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?'

The builder said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out front….'


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## lew

Good One, Grumpy!!!


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## a1Jim

that's a real funny one Grumpy


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## Gene01

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when 
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. 
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady. 
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary. 
"Well what is it, Mary?" 
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father." 
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary. 
"What did he ask, Mary?" 
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun…'"


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## DanYo

fun facts
..
Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating.

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second.

A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood.

During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.


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## DanYo

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
..

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went. 
...

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

...

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'."


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## SCOTSMAN

thats not right 6 elephants in a lifetime you must be talking to vegetarians LOL don't you mean a good weekend barbie in Ausi land. ps that's Australia Alistair


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## SCOTSMAN

A man said to his work mates hey guys the've opened a new brothel near us fantastic they pick you up in a limo , take you there , you drink champagne all night as much as you want ,and have sex as often as you like too.Then the drive you back home in the limo and stuff twenty dollars in your pocket before letting you out right outside your front door. Man that sounds too good to be true " they do all that and pay you " I don't get it HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ?HE SAID "NO REPLIED THE MAN" BUT THE WIFE GOES THREE TIMES A WEEK. ALISTAIR


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## Grumpy

Alistair, you keep away from those nasty places. They affect your eyesight. Nothing like a good Aussie barbie instead.


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## Grumpy

No offense to my American friends but this is funny!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. 
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. 
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole
bread?' 
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.' 
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .' 
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. 
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the
Australian replied, 'of course.' 
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . *Why do you think it's called Wrigley's*?'?


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## DanYo

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet

for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!


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## woodsmithshop

there was once a fellow that was so ugly that he had never had a date or had sex with a woman, so,he always looked sad, hardly ever smiling, one evening he shows up in the local bar he frequented, smiling and seeming to be in a very good mood, the bartender noticed and said to him " you seem to be in a very good mood tonight, what is the occasion?" the ugly man replied "well last night after I left here, on my way home I found a woman tied to the railroad tracks, so, I did what I felt was the right thing and untied her, she was rather dirty so I took her home and cleaned her up, then I made love to her all night long, it was the most fantastic night of my life, in fact I am looking forward to trying it again tonight." the bartender said " wow that is great, I am happy for you, tell me is she good looking?" the ugly man replied, " I don't know, I haven't found her head yet"


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## DanYo

thats a bad one


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## Grumpy

The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin the bath tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs give him the good news and apologise. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?


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## Tangle

Oh, Boy, Grump!!!!!!!


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## DanYo

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought… Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day… We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.


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## DanYo

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story….........

Pay your bills.


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## bowyer

Thanks for the laughs and Grumpy thanks for breaking me of my chewing gum habit


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## cabinetmaster

ROFLMAO….........................you guys are a bunch of characters. Thanks for the laughs.


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## Michael121

Probably true.


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## DanYo

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says….

Liver alone. Cheese mine.


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## Grumpy

*Giving Up Wine *(Author unknown)
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'


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## DanYo

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."


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## DanYo

Bush goes to hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list,
but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. Believe it or not I've got some folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." 
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
????: Drugs Forum http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=774
first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing over and over again.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer &
I don't think I could do that all day long".
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon
with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the floor with his arms tied behind his head, and his legs in a
spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked in disbelief and finally said,
"Yea, I can handle this." 
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."


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## DanYo

cool link
..
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/mccain.htm


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## Grumpy

A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. 
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 
'What a coincidence,' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.' 
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' said the woman.

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 
'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'


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## DanYo

A Very Short Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and
had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted
whenever he wanted.

The end.


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## Grumpy

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a @#**% wall!


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## DanYo

Ugly person illness
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."


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## DanYo

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."


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## DanYo

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It's all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate playing with your Dad."


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## DanYo




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## DanYo

Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"


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## DanYo

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"


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## DanYo

ign above urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal.
Scrawled underneath:
It makes them soggy and hard to light.

"No matter how good he looks,
some other girl is sick and tired of putting up with his crap."

"Bad spellers untie!!!"

"Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity"
Men's Room, Tan Son Nhut Airbase (Saigon)

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't."

(An arrow pointing to the toilet paper…)
"Another fine abrasive from your friends at 3M"

"TOLIET CAMERA IS FOR RESEARCH USE ONLY"

"Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once."

"Humpty Dumpty was pushed, man!"

"Always remember: Beauty is only a light switch away."

"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"

"Help, the paranoids are after me!"

(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands")
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

when I was born, I was so surprised
I couldn't speak for a year and a half!

Sign posted in a thousand bathrooms:
We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

On an elevator in New York:
"Elevator out of order."
Scribbled underneath:
"Try the ones across the street."

While I wait for the perfect woman to come along,
I'm having a lot of fun with the imperfect ones!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck !

Deja Moo : The feeling you've heard this bull before !

God must love stupid people…He made so many !

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Never put off to tomorrow
what you can avoid altogether

drive carefully ….don't kill a child
-wait for a lawyer

*LOST! One science teacher after last Thursday's experiment

Old accountants never die ,they just lose their balance

just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.


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## Grumpy

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the 
other and say; 'Slim I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, I feel just like an newborn baby.'

'Really? Like a newborn baby!?

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and i Think I just wet my pants.'


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## Roger Clark aka Rex

Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious and 
trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great 
religious truths:

1. Muslims do not 
recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize 
Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not 
recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Mennonites do 
not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor 
Store.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about 
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; 
he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.


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## Roger Clark aka Rex

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about 
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big. 
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; 
he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.


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## Grumpy

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." 
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" 
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"


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## DanYo

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
I'll sleep on it," said Jimmy.
Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!


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## Grumpy

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself 
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread.


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## DanYo

Lexiograms

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


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## Grumpy

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!" 
And that's how the fight started…....


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## Grumpy

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A man asked his wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed his heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said…
So he suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started….


----------



## Grumpy

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A man tried to talk his wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. He told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started…...


----------



## DanYo

Yo Mama So Ugly
Yo Mama So Ugly she put the Boogie man outta business.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already…"

Yo Mama So Ugly when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

Yo Mama So Ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

Yo Mama So Ugly minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her…"

Yo Mama So Ugly they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

Yo Mama So Ugly when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours….and that was just for the quote!

Yo Mama So Ugly yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye…

Yo Mama So Ugly she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

Yo Mama So Ugly she was a guard at Snake Mountain

Yo Mama So Ugly they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock…

Yo Mama So Ugly even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

Yo Mama So Ugly they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

Yo Mama So Ugly she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama So Ugly Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo Mama So Ugly you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

Yo Mama So Ugly she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

Yo Mama So Ugly we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

Yo Mama So Ugly I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

Yo Mama So Ugly her shadow gave up.

Yo Mama So Ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her…

Yo Mama So Ugly her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

Yo Mama So Ugly when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

Yo Mama So Ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

Yo Mama So Ugly instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

Yo Mama So Ugly they gave her a middle name…'accident'.

Yo Mama So Ugly she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

Yo Mama So Ugly even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her…

Yo Mama So Ugly when she was born the Doc smacked her face.


----------



## DanYo

*got this in a email from GENE today ..
..
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. 
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily 
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story: 
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' 
Puff! She's gone..

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after 
lunch.'

Moral of the story: 
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' 
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: 
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree..

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: 
Bull ** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who ********************s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of ** is your 
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep **, it's best to keep 
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE*


----------



## Grumpy

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A wife sat down on the couch next to hubby as he was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
he said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started…


----------



## rons

a snale was walking down the street when he was robbed by two turtles. the police came and asked the snail what they looked. he said i don't know it happened so fast.


----------



## DanYo

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. 
,,,
...
..
.


----------



## DanYo

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this Fall.. ????

California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except back then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands in public.


----------



## lew

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.

"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here
and tell us about your experience."

The big *********************************** student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor
Asks: "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with
a ghost."

Bubba replied: "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you
said "Goats"


----------



## DanYo

Martha Stewart's Rules for ****************************************

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

FAMILY GATHERINGS

1. You go to a wedding and everybody sits on the same side of the Church.

2. Your cousins Clem & Zeke look at you and smile as they play Dueling Banjos.

3. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.


----------



## DanYo

You know you're a *********************************** Jedi when…

- You hear "Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…"

- You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it'll be a hoot."


----------



## Grumpy

4 Lumberjocks go on a hunting trip. 
Their tents only have room for two men in each. 
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Karson because he snored so badly. 
They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them to share with Karson the whole time, so they decided to take turns. 
Odie was the first to sleep in Karson's tent. Comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess (what hair?) and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Odie, what happened?' 
He answers, 'Karson snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was Dan's turn. 
The following morning, same thing, Dan's hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot. 
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Karson shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Grumpy's turn. 
Grumpy was a big, burly, lumberjock; a man's man. 
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it. 
They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Grumpy says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Karson into bed and kissed him good night. 
Then he sat up and watched me all night.


----------



## cpt_hammer

I think that's the best one yet!!!!


----------



## paulglen

Hello,
It is great when we can laugh at ourselves.
Have a good one.
Paul


----------



## DanYo

If The Beatles Were Computer Geeks…

Sing along with me now…

Yesterdaaaay…

Yesterdaaaay, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenllllyyy, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong…
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterdaaaay, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterdaaaay.


----------



## woodsmithshop

Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ' 1-2-3. ' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." 
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ' 1-2-3-4, ' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." 
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!" 
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" 
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!


----------



## donbee

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother!

I was so ugly as a baby my mother fed me with a slingshot.

My mother named me Don because she wasn't sure how to spell "EEEeeeeyuUUUuuchhhh"

d


----------



## DanYo

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It's all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate playing with your Dad."


----------



## Grumpy

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."


----------



## Grumpy

*Lawyer and an Irishman *
A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. 
The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. 
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. 
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. 
This catches the Irishman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' 
The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. 
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' 
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. 
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. 
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. 
He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. 
The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. 
He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' 
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.


----------



## Grumpy

A lovely Australian Poem.

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash-

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!


----------



## Grumpy

The Old Farmer

A Texas Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural TX and talks with an old farmer…

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me….' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish….on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified…..

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…...'Your badge! Show him your badge, Smartass!'


----------



## DanYo

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.


----------



## DanYo

Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?
---------------------------
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
---------------------------

When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."
---------------------------

What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

---------------------------

A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

---------------------------

While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"

---------------------------

Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

---------------------------

How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

---------------------------

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

---------------------------

Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.

---------------------------

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.

---------------------------

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

---------------------------

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

---------------------------

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh, look, Daddy … doughnut seeds."

---------------------------

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear


----------



## Grumpy

THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down & another man comes along & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final, the biggest sporting event of the year & not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh… Gees .I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head… "No. They're all at the funeral."


----------



## Gene01

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are

flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


----------



## Grumpy

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the Nissan
plant.
to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin'
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "Iff'n I was to sneak over

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."


----------



## Grumpy

Marriage in Heaven

====================

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting 
they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. 
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left..

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"


----------



## Abbott

Heh, fun thread.

How will President Obama oppose Russia's invasion of Georgia?

He'll send troops to Atlanta.


----------



## DanYo

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."


----------



## DanYo

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"


----------



## DanYo

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist.

After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.

Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY."


----------



## DanYo

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The skinny guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."


----------



## Grumpy

You have to be old enough to remember *Abbott and Costello*, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............


----------



## woodsmithshop

A few words of advice for the older fellows:
NEVER pass up a bathroom!
NEVER waste a hardon!
NEVER trust a fart!


----------



## DanYo

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy"


----------



## DanYo

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.


----------



## Grumpy

Smitty
you must know how this story goes
First you forget to lift the toilet seat
Then you forget to zip up your fly
And the last stage

You forget to unzip your fly. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

A man is driving
down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall
asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has
ever heard. The next morning,
he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you
because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks
reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a
monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled
the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found
what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now
considered a monk

We shall now show you the way to
the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I
have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone… The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it
went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
..silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the
key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns
the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source
of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !


----------



## DanYo

dumb laws in Mississippi

If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.

No one may bribe any athlete to "rig" a game, match, tournament, etc.

It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.

One may be fined up to $100 for using "profane language" in public places.

Private citizens may personally arrest any person that disturbs a church service.

Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.

Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.

Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.

Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $250 fine.

Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.

It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.


----------



## GMman

Giant rats, tiny parrots found in 'lost world'

08/09/2009 3:05:49 PM

CBC News 
An expedition to what's being called a lost world inside an extinct volcano in Papua New Guinea has discovered more than 40 new species, including giant rats, frogs with fangs and a new species of bat.

Mount Bosavi in the rainforest of Papua New Guinea is an extinct volcano 2.7 kilometres high, with a crater one kilometre deep and four kilometres wide. Life inside has evolved isolated from the outside world for 200,000 years, the last time the volcano erupted.

The silvery-grey Bosavi wooly rat, one of the biggest rats in the world, weighs 1.5 kilograms and is 82 centimetres long from its nose to its tail, as big as a house cat.

Wildlife camera operator Gordon Buchanan said the rat had no fear of humans at all.

"It just sat next to me nibbling on a piece of leaf. It won't have seen a human being before," Buchanan said.

More than 57 species of rats and mice can be found in Papua New Guinea. The volcano's crater lacks big cats or monkeys as predators, which may explain how the rats evolved to be so big. The main predators inside the crater are giant monitor lizards.

The crew also filmed the world's smallest parrot in the wild for the first time. The buff-faced pygmy parrot is about nine centimetres tall and weighs less than 12 grams.

The expedition team included biologists from Oxford University, the London Zoo and the Smithsonian Institute. Members of the BBC's natural history unit filmed the exploration for a three-part documentary series called The Lost World of the Volcano.

The team chose Mount Bosavi because animal life there is poorly understood, and similar ecosystems in Papua New Guinea are being destroyed. The country's rainforest, they said, is currently being destroyed at a rate of 3.5 per cent a year. There are extensive logging operations just 30 kilometres south of the volcano.

New species discovered in Mount Bosavi include a frog with fangs, a camouflaged gecko, a spider that drops a net on its prey, and a fish that can make grunting noises with its swim bladder.

View article on a single page Prev 
1 Next


----------



## Grumpy

An elderly man in Queensland (Australia) had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and
avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and
he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as
he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.


----------



## Grumpy

Luther moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cut a photo in half but accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother. It said: 
"Dear Luther, 
Thank you for the picture. I had it framed and hung it in the living room for everyone to see. But you really should change your hair style… it makes your nose look small.

Love, Grandma"


----------



## Grumpy

An Irish woman told me this one;

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''


----------



## Grumpy

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off is chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You shoudn't be too mad with Tommy, after all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.


----------



## DanYo

The lesbians next door gave me a old Timex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.


----------



## papadan

Two **************************************** are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumps in head first!

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Papadan


----------



## RetiredCoastie

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''

Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for highschool boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….....'


----------



## DanYo

funny one !


----------



## pashley

A young married couple's mom stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. 
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 
"What are you doing?!" she asked. 
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. 
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. 
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!" 
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end He can't get enough of me" 
The mother-in-law left. 
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. 
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively."What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress", she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? 
He never heard the gunshot.


----------



## pashley

Sean and Murphy, a couple of Catholics, are digging a ditch in front of the cat house in Dublin.

Suddenly, Sean looks up and sees a Rabbi going in.

"Ah, will you look at that now Murph! Why the poor Jewish people would be so sad to see their own Rabbi going in to there now" And shook his head, and kept digging.

The next day, Murphy looks up to see a Presbyterian minister going into the cat house.
"Sean, take a look at that, will ya now! Why that minister is going in to that house of sin! Why, the poor people in his church would be so ashamed at that!" He shook his head, and kept digging.

The following day, they see their church priest going into the cat house.
Murphy cries, "Oh, for the love of God! Isn't that Father O'Malley? And look where he is going into! Why, I can't believe it! Must be one of the girls is sick!"


----------



## Grumpy

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today…' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


----------



## JJohnston

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."


----------



## Sawdust2

Two 8 year old boys were lying in their room at the hospital.
One boy asks the other: "What are you here for?" He says he's getting his tonsils taken out.
"Oh, that's great. I had mine taken out last year. You get all the ice cream you want. What are you here for?" 
"I'm getting circumcised." 
"Oh.man. I had that done when I was 8 days old. Couldn't walk for a year."

Lee


----------



## Grumpy

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask..
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189."


----------



## woodsmithshop

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and- PING !-he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here"-- and- PING !-in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans"--and-- PING !-The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . .. .

The fairy said:

"Tough ********************, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

And she disappeared.


----------



## DanYo

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The *********************************** student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"


----------



## pashley

Stacey Brown, a very attractive young lady, was just getting out of the shower, when she heard the door bell ring. Quickly putting on her robe, she hurried down to the front door. Standing there was the next door neighbor, Marty.

"Oh hi Stacey, sorry to bother you…is your husband around?" he asked.

"No, Marty, Jack went to run some errands, he should be back soon". she replied.

"Looks like you just got out of the shower" Marty inquired. "You know, I've always admired your attractive body, Stacey", Marty stammered out.

"I beg your pardon!" Stacey shot back.

"Tell you what, I'll give you $400 bucks for a quick flash of that hot bod, and it will be our little secret, what do you say?" Marty asked.

"I don't think so." Stacey said, with hesitancy.

"$600? For a quick flash? C'mon!" Marty insisted.

Stacey was obviously tempted. Still she replied no.

"Ok, $800, and that's my final offer." Marty said.

"Fine, let's see the money!" Stacey demanded, and Marty showed her.

He gave her the money, and she gave him a quick flash of her gorgeous body. Obviously satisfied, Marty turned and left for home.

Minutes later, Jack, Stacey's husband drove up and came into the house.

"You had a visitor while you were gone, dear." Stacey volunteered.

"Oh yeah, who?" Jack asked.

"Marty, next door." Stacey replied.

"Oh yeah?" said Jack, "Did he bring back the $800 he owed me?"


----------



## JimmyK49022

A women was sitting at home and listens too the news on the radio. She hears there is a car going the wrong way on the interstate. She calls her husband telling him to be careful there is a car on the interstate driving the wrong way. Husband yells back only one? Where I'm at there hundreds of them!


----------



## DanYo

Blonde Password:

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "Well, DUH, it has to be
at least 8 characters long."


----------



## Grumpy

Hmmmmmmmmmmm


----------



## Grumpy

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's me wife! I've accidentally shot 'er & I tink I've killed 'er!''
Operator: ''Please calm down, Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''


----------



## Grumpy

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." 
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $100,000," he said. 
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said. 
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." 
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!" 
Not all Seniors Are Senile


----------



## Grumpy

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..
Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'
Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.'
Old Dungus Bob, the cowboy from West Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.


----------



## Grumpy

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. 
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. 
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. 
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. 
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son ?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time,"

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"


----------



## Grumpy

A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson followed this advice religiously until the day he died at age 103.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 24 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


----------



## mynoblebear

what can I say I enjoyed reading jokes instead of listening to them because I tend to get the joke ten minutes later and everyone turns to me and wonders what is so funny.


----------



## mark88

what does a woman n a condom have in common?

they spend more time in your wallet then on your cock.

what does a washer and a one night stand have in common?

once you put your load in them the one night stand doesn't wanna leave you alone.


----------



## TheDane

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After a bit, he heard nothing more, shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of a nut would name a bird Moses?'

'The same kind of a nut that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


----------



## JJohnston

Q: Why do bagpipers march when they play?

A: They're trying to get away from the noise.


----------



## pashley

Mark, c'mon, we have young people in here, tone it down dude…..


----------



## donbee

Thanks, Pashley.
I agree.

d


----------



## Grumpy

I agree too. Lets keep it clean.


----------



## Grumpy

THE EMU
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback diner with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. 
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu. 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' 
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. ' Same,' says the emu. 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table 
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. 
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' 
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, *'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say'. *


----------



## woodsmithshop

the economy is so bad

I opened my USPS mail and found a pre-declined credit card.
I opened an e-mail and it said I was NOT a family member of the former Nigerian oil minister who is owed $100 Million dollars.
I ordered a Whopper at Burger King and they asked me, "Can you afford small fries with that?" 
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The bank returned my check marked "Insufficient Funds" and I had to call them to ask if they meant me or them.
The NY-NJ Mafia is laying off judges.
A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.


----------



## KnotWright

A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.' The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!' This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'


----------



## Grumpy

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and….. OH, MY GOD !' 
Silence followed! 
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' 
One passenger yelled, 'bye jezis you should see the back of mine!


----------



## studie

Harry & David were walking down the street when Harry said, David I'm so old that I can't even remember my age anymore. With that David says I can tell your age. Harry said, really how can you know? Well just take your pants down and stand here in your underwear. Well OK, so then David tickles Harrys knees then steps on his foot, on to pushing dirt in Harrys ears then says you are 76 years old Harry! Harry says thats amazing how did you do that? David says it was easy you just told me two days ago!


----------



## Jim Jakosh

Ollie and Otis lived in the back woods. One day Ollie knew the sherrif was looking for drugs in the county and he told the sherrif that Otis had drugs hidden in this firewood logs. The sherrif gets all his deputies together and they went to Otis' cabin and split open all the logs they could find and left disgusted because they didn't find any drugs.
The next day Ollie drives by Otis in town and yells out the window- did the sherrif split all yer firewood?


----------



## Grumpy

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle..

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.


----------



## papadan

*You all know little Johnny!* It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"


----------



## JJohnston

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but… something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did-better, in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes, she has," says the man.

"And what did you decide?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting new countertops."


----------



## NoSlivers

On a small, unknown battleground
A US soldier is wrestling with Osama bin Laden. In the midst of their bout they rub up against a lamp buried in the ground. A genie emerges and states that they will each get a wish.
Osama states that he wishes that all infidels be banished from his land and a wall erected along the borders so high as to repel any future invaders. The genie turns to the US soldier to make his wish. With only a moments hesitation the soldier wishes for the space within those walls be filled with water.


----------



## NoSlivers

A man discovers a lamp while digging on his land and decides, "what the heck" and rubs the lamp. A genie flows from the lamp and angrily surveys the man. The genie reports, "I have been imprisoned in this lamp for over 5,000 years and am none too happy about it. Know that I am bound to grant you three wishes in return for my freedom, but whatever you wish will be granted twofold to your mother-in-law!" This man being none to fond of his mother-in-law is now faced with a dilemma.
After much thought he announces his first wish. "I wish for a bank account with 15 million dollars that compounds 50% interest daily." *POOF* The genie announces that his wish has been granted but his mother-in-law has been awarded double that sum, and it's compounded twice daily.
The man is happy with his money but galled by the fact that his mother-in-law should gain from his good fortune. He makes his second wish of a 40 room mansion, fully furnished, with attached woodshop. *POOF* The genie announces that his second wish is granted, but his mother-in-law now is the proud owner of an 80 room mansion, more plushly furnished with an attached woodshop of twice the size and better quality tools.
Smiling evilly the genie asks for the man's third and final wish. The man says, "That's easy. I'd like for you to beat me half-to-death!!"


----------



## studie

While out cutting wood the other day I heard a man say howdy neighbor! I turned to see a very scruffy man with a knarly beard & quite dirty too. I saw you just moved in & wanted to invite you to a party he said. I said what kind of a party? Oh just a fightin & kissin party! Well should i bring anything, how many people will be there? He says, Oh you don't have to bring anything, just gonna be you & me


----------



## studie

Ollie & yellie were working for weeks logging in the deep forest with nothing to do at night or anyone around to have fun with. So one night ollie said I know what to do for fun lets have a game where I'll think of something and you guess what it is, Fine says Yellie, sure Ya bet will be lots o fun tuu! So they sit down after supper and Ollie can't think of anything for hours. Then he thinks I know something he will never guess for sure, Donky dung! another hour or so staring at the floor Yellie finally asks, Ollie can you give me a hint? Ollie thought for a moment, well I think it tastes really bad. Yellie says right away is it Donky dung?


----------



## JimmyK49022

blonde: calls 911 and says my house is on fire.

911: ok stay calm we are on the way. what is your location? how do get there?

Blonde: DUH IN A BIG RED TRUCK!!!!!


----------



## Grumpy

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.


----------



## Grumpy

OUTBACK FARM
A man owned a small farm in Australia . 
The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 
'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday" 
'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide payed satellite television for free in her room. 
'Then there's the half-wit. 
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, 
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 
'That's the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,' says the agent. 
*'That would be me,' replied the farmer *


----------



## Grumpy

this is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. 
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" 
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" 
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste." 
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." 
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. 
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. 
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. 
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." 
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. 
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." 
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?" 
He said: "Who the #*%@ did your hair?"


----------



## GaryC

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house that says…"Talking Dog for Sale" 
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there
"You talk?" he asks
"Yep" the Lab replies
"So, what's your story?" 
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government so, I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting younger and, I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." 
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks" 
The guys says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" 
"Cuz he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff""


----------



## GaryC

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Linda listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." 
He addressed the men:
"For instance gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?

The rest of the story is not pleasant…..


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex

http://www.mediafire.com/?irwjhmj4mi4


----------



## Grumpy

Australian Lawyers Education

The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his money on the high city life.
He calls home. 'Dad, you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.'
'Bloody amazing!' his Dad says. 'Could we get Ol' Blue into the program?'
'No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him into the course.'
So father sends down the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome Dad! He'd talk ya bloody head off. But you just won't believe this. He's such a brilliant talker, they'd like him to have a go in the reading class!'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol' Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. He's as good as in.'
As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.
At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem…When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.
When he arrives home his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid from the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I'll have to shoot that bastard before he blabs to your Mother!'
'I already did, Dad!'
'Good boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.


----------



## Grumpy

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? 
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.' 
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?' 
'Nah, Jock replied, I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'


----------



## Grumpy

Arthur and the Witch: 
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered…. Is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT…make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ….what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is….. 
If you don't let a woman have her own way…. 
Things are going to get ugly!!!


----------



## Dennisgrosen

where did you pull that aut from )
thank´s you continue to save the day´s 
keep them coming

Dennis


----------



## Grumpy

A Little Girl's tale

CUP OF TEA 
One day my ma was out and my dad was in charge of me. 
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as 
a gift and it was one of my favourite toys. 
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. 

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet???


----------



## Dennisgrosen

*yyyyaaaaakk*

cheers


----------



## DanYo

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.

I called the 
Suicide Lifeline. 
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
..
.

..
Got a freakin' 
call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was 
suicidal. ..... 
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a 
truck


----------



## DanYo

I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


----------



## Grumpy

Duh Dan.


----------



## mark88

lmao9 nice dan


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

That Makes a good case for living fast, loving hard, and dying young )


----------



## Dennisgrosen

Die beuityful die young


----------



## mark88

define young


----------



## DanYo

Q: What were Tarzan's last words?

A: Who greased the viiiiiiiine?


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Any time before you are like the guy on teh exam table


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Topaman. The guy on the table is me 20 years ago. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, & write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to a confused wife. "Honey", she said, "You received a very strange post card today". "Oh, just give it to me & I'll explain it later" he said.

The wife obeyed & watched as her husband read the card, turned white & fainted.

On the card was written"

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti". "3 with meatballs, 2 without, Send extra sauce"


----------



## Grumpy

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the….'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the hell would you have said?


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.. 
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, ... ... ... and then lived together..

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". 
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege..

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam…

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of…

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one? 
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind…you are in for a shock!

Read on to see-pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready


> ?


This man would be only 59 years old.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Roger, that is not a joke.


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex

*Topa*: No, but it's the truth. Sorry I have been offline for a week with a computer problem and it looks like I missed the lady in red's debut.
Anyway here's one to make up for it. It also explains why I have been offline for a week, glad it's fixed - I just could not curry on any longer.

*School Bus in Japan*



That's a really greatway to educate kids while on their way to and from school.

Now for another educational idea…........

*SCHOOL BUS IN INDIA*


*,,, and yet, when you have a technical problem with your computer - your call ends up in India ? *


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

I'm not so sure that one isn't the truth too!!


----------



## reggiek

Guy walks into a bar…sits down and orders a drink…..after sitting and sipping his drink for a while he puts his palm to his ear and starts carrying on an animated conversation. The bartender gets anxious and goes over to the patron. He tells him he wants no crazy folks in his bar and to get out. The guy taps the wrist on the arm by his ear and says to the bartender….sorry….Ive got this new cell phone implant in my hand and I've been getting alot of stares and people thinking I am crazy. The bartender stares at him shaking his head until the guy taps his wrist and holds his palm up for the bartender to hear. Hearing someone talking to him through the man's hand he asks why the man tapped his wrist…the man tells the bartender…thats to put my other line into the answering machine in my other wrist. The bartender is amazed…not totally convinced but in wonder of all this new technology, he goes back to the bar and keeps his eye on the man who has resumed his conversation with both palms held to his ear. Soon the man gets up and goes into the men's room. After a while the man has not returned. The bartender gets anxious again and looks into the restroom….he hears an angry voice coming from the stall and asks whats the problem. The same man replies….damn it….I'm trying to get this important fax through my new implant…but your are out of toilet paper….and there are still several pages to go.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

Tiger Woods and Woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.


----------



## mark88

One-Liners
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it…so I said "Implants?" 
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like ********************ing for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.


----------



## mark88

Two trees were in a forest talkin to each other and in between the two was a new tree sprouting. One tree said "I think its a son of a birch." The other tree said "I think its a son of a beech." So they asked a nearby woodpecker to check for them. So the pecker does his job and then looks up at the trees and says " I don't know about you guys but thats the best piece of ash I've ever had!"


----------



## DanYo

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.


----------



## Grumpy

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving
milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite
cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said,
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side..
"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?" 
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wales"


----------



## woodsmithshop

have a little fun at Tigers expense,
http://www.atom.com/fun_games/tiger_woods_defense/?xrs=cpc_gorilla


----------



## woodsmithshop

Subject: Fw: 7 Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE 
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang 
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, 
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles 
from here!' and hung up. 
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know 
if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE 
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the 
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror 
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and 
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the 
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really 
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is 
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE 
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. 
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE 
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE 
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US 
Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what 
Roe vs. Wade was about. 
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision 
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..'

SEVENTH DEGREE 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house 
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and 
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, 
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the 
blonde 
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then 
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come 
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and 
what do 
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'


----------



## Dennisgrosen

:--)))
but were the hell dit you dig up the blonde in the SIXTH DEGREE


> ?


----------



## woodsmithshop

The awesome power of a wife's love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven..

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex

*Touching Californis Love Story*

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex … She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles …
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?" 
Because … She Replied …
"I Really Miss Mine"


----------



## DanYo

,,
.
.
.
.
.
.
!


----------



## DanYo

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes m


----------



## GaryC

A man asks his wife if she would remarry if he died early. She said " why yes, of course. I wouldn't want to go through the rest of my life alone." He asked what she would do with all his clothes. She said probably donate them. " What about my tools. Would you keep my tools?' "Why yes" she said. "My next husband would probably use them." "What about my old truck? Would you give that to him too?'' "Of course" she said. "That would be only natural.' "As a matter of fact" she said, "I'd probably give him all of your stuff." "Not my favorite golf cluba?? you wouldn't let him have those would you?' "Oh no" she said. "He's left handed."


----------



## woodsmithshop

> Subject: Aging
> 
>> A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice boobs.
>> 
>> 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
>> 
>> 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
>> 
>> 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
>> 
>> 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.


----------



## DanYo

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said….....

"Nope…You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"


----------



## DanYo

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" 
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too
much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." 
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.
I'm Pastor Fluff." 
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

THE URINAL 
IS TOO HIGH

A group of 1st, 
2nd, and 3rd graders, accompanied by 
two
female teachers,went on a field trip to 
the local
racetrack (Churchill Downs) 
to learn about
thoroughbred 
horses.

When it was time to 
take the children to the bathroom, it
was 
decided that the girls would go with one teacher 
and the
boys would go with the 
other.

The teacher assigned to the 
boys was waiting outside the
men's room when 
one of the boys came out and told her
that 
none of them could reach the 
urinal.

Having no choice, she went 
inside, helped the boys with
their pants, 
and began hoisting the little boys up 
one
by one holding onto their wee wees to 
direct the flow.

As she lifted one, 
she couldn't help but notice that he
was 
unusually well endowed.

Trying not to 
show that she was staring, the teacher 
said,
"You must be in the 3rd 
grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. 
"I'm the
jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 
seventh."


----------



## Grumpy

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. 
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. 
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE. BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY… I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR TOMATO SAUCE!"


----------



## Grumpy

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre. 
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." 
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." 
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch…" 
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the marble floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

SH1T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre


----------



## Dennisgrosen

yyaiicks great smell just before my nightlunce

ceep them coming

Dennis


----------



## DanYo

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please"
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"
The mushroom says "Why not I'm a Fungi!"


----------



## DanYo

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night…........ Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled his hands off to find all he
was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom.

The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over….........On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.


----------



## GaryC

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001

It's the Bud Lite clothing drive


----------



## Grumpy

Now this is what we need…for the man of the house 


New nail gun made by DeWALT.

It can drive a 4 inch nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.

Doubly efficient! After a day of fence building with the new DeWALT Rapid fire nail gun the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else ever again.


----------



## Grumpy

With his request approved, the ABC News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for ABC Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots…'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is …. You're NOT my Flight instructor???'


----------



## Dennisgrosen

g´me g´me g´me hurry
I need that nail gun
My wife has the tarket jacket on


----------



## mark88

now thats MY gun!


----------



## mark88

patent pending*


----------



## Grumpy

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn. 
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: 
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


----------



## woodsmithshop

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres 
ever aired on British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from 
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President 
is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is 
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his 
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team 
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have 
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's 
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE 
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because 
they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you 
on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male 
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other 
and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny 
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes 
to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'


----------



## Grumpy

At a Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Minister asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata hera nice, spenda alla the money ona her, but the besta thing I evera did is that I tooka her to Italy fora our 20th anniversary!" 
The Minister responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." 
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and geta her."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.


----------



## Grumpy

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you ?'
'Nah, Jock replied, I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

(No offence to my Scottish Buddies, but couldn't resist this one)


----------



## Dennisgrosen

can you tell me how you can reconice one of the old skooner wessels from other wessels of the ocean
..
..
..
..
..
they have no seagulls over the them
..
..
..
..they don´t throw anything aut


----------



## DanYo

stuff to do at Walmart …

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10″.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!…" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this ********************, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "…I'm Batman. Come, Robin-to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: "Marco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeadeately say "The clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.


----------



## Grumpy

Painting the Church

There was a painter named Smokey who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a bit further
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. 
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.. 
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(you're going to love this)

*"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" *


----------



## Grumpy

3 men in a pub- a Scot, Englishman and Irishman:

'Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.
Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' said the Englishman, 'at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar.

Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again - all the drinks you like.
Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'
'Well,' asked the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman . . . 'But it did 
happen to me sister….


----------



## TheDane

*Tequila Challenge*

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."

"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10-but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks-but he doesn't make a face-and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight-then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now.., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics 
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the major ity of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best 
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations 
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame… what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. 
And he hasn't done too bad either.. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.


----------



## Dennisgrosen

not again I have just replaced the tenth board on my computer they always
get wet every time I read this blog (this time it was my coffee) you are jokeing with your lives )
thank´s guy´s but I realy want to my spendt money tools instead

Dennis


----------



## Grumpy

*Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?*

This is for all the germ conscious folks

that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather

in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John's grandfather prepared

breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,

as his appeared to have tiny specks around

the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you

fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog

started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,

'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game

he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

*'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!' *


----------



## DanYo

got this in an email today ….
,,,
I was shocked, confused, bewildered 
As I entered Heaven's door, 
Not by the beauty of it all, 
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven 
Who made me sputter and gasp-
The thieves, the liars, the sinners, 
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade 
Who swiped my lunch money twice. 
Next to him was my old neighbor 
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought 
Was rotting away in hell, 
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, 
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal? 
I would love to hear Your take. 
How'd all these sinners get up here? 
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet, 
So somber - give me a clue.' 
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock. 
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember…Just going to church doesn't make you a 
Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST…. 
Every sinner has a FUTURE!


----------



## Grumpy

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.' 
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now… He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent…

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!


----------



## Grumpy

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I've outlived the bitches.'


----------



## Dennisgrosen

does that mean that we have to outlive you
becourse I for sure can´t forgive that your jokes
destroyd 3 of my boards with coffee when I
read them


----------



## studie

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town." 
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?" 
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." 
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" 
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad." 
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely.. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad." 
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."


----------



## Grumpy

GOOD ONE STUDIE.
KEEP THE COFFEE COMING DENNIS. I'M STILL HOLDING ON DOWN HERE ON THE BOTTOM OF THE PLANET.


----------



## Grumpy

THREE MEN AND THEIR WIVES

3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia, a place called Brisbane. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No…not if I'm gonna have to explain it
five times."


----------



## Grumpy

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire.
The fireman asks 'How do we get there?'
'HELLOO!' she replies, 'In the @$%^&* big red truck!'

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. 
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: 
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. 
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. 
While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving, endearing pet names." 
The old man hung his head.. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old biddy what her name is."


----------



## Grumpy

*Choosing a wife*
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.. 
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and 
dresses up very nicely for the man.. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so 
much. 
The man was impressed. 
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some 
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so 
much. 
Again, the man is impressed. 
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. 
Obviously, the man was impressed.. 
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. 
Then he married the one with the biggest Boobs.

Men are like that, you know. .


----------



## remy97

little johnny walks into class, the teacher asks where he was and why hes late, he says "i was on top of cherry hill" the teacher has him sit down so she can deal with him later. another boy walks in and she gets the same answeres. last a little girl walks in. the teacher says "oh you must be the new girl whats your name?" she looks up and says "my names cherry hill"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

*One should always do a risk assessment *

Aussie Poem …

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock 
The cocky (Farmer) took off in his Ute (Pickup), to go and check his stock. 
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs, 
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank 
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank. 
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense, 
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt 
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out. 
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free 
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down 
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown. 
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim 
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks 
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks. 
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam 
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip 
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip. 
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath 
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side 
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide. 
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed 
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day. 
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away 
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea 
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view 
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe. 
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch 
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car 
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far 
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks 
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!


----------



## Grumpy

Another Aussie poem
*The Old Service Station*

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

'Where is the ladies restroom, sir?'
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She tripped and fell-got up,
and then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set and then the devilish guy,
would stop his whittling long enough, to speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below struck terror, fright and fear
'Will you please use the other hole? We're painting under here'


----------



## Grumpy

*"THE BLONDE AND THE COW"*

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's
stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets
here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me
lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the
right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she
explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail
for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's good to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)


----------



## Dennisgrosen

there was a young wacumcleanning salesman
that had no sales the hole day when he come to
a ranch in late afternoon
and he saw the rancher sitting on the front
stairs looking very sad and angry at the same
time but the salesman was jung and fighting
for the money went out of his car and go up
to the house with the wacumecleaner in
his hand
but the rancher said we don´t buy anything
the salesman replyed what do you know
abaut cleaning don´t you want a clean house
and your lady a little easyer wile she doing it

Ok said the rancher if you can tackle one thing
I buy two of those mashine´s from you
the young sales man said come with it
this was 
in the old days before the milkingmashine´s
on a ranch where the milkmaid was sick
the rancher had to milk the cows 
when he was milking the last cow
it suddently slap my head whith the tail
the rancher toke a robe and tiie the tail 
to the post and continue to milk and this
old cow suddently stepped one leg into the
bucket and I tied up the leg and throw
the milk out and went over to the other side
of the cow and continue the milking 
and the the cow kicked the bucket with
the other leg so I toke a new rope and
tied the leg to the other post
then I had to pee so I go to the post
and out with …..... and there was
I when the wife came in to the stable
and if you can convince her that I just
had to pee I will buy two from you


----------



## Grumpy

*Never Argue with a Woman *
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 
Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 
'For reading a book,' she replies , 
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 
If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman. 
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

*'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' *
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


----------



## Grumpy

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't

find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in

the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it

too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament

victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

disperse.

'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also

had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen

Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd

diet,

he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his

friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them

laugh.

No pun in ten did.


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


----------



## woodsmithshop

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ….. it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


----------



## Grumpy

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello." 
"Mrs. Sanders, please." 
"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. 
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well…
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him


----------



## JAGWAH

"Getting oral sex from an ugly person is like bungee jumping, it's gonna be good, but holy crap, don't look down!" Clive Laurel


----------



## DanYo

​


----------



## Grumpy

BLONDE IN A SNOW STORM

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hail storm. 
The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered
with large dents.

So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop. The shop owner, seeing
she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home
and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop
out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and
knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a
little harder, and still nothing happens. Meanwhile, her roommate, also a
blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO!

Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 66.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90 ?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a hoot?'


----------



## GaryC

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.


----------



## Grumpy

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the….'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the hell would you have said?


----------



## Uncle_Salty

I saw my best friend, Steve, on Saturday morning, and the left side of his face was all swolen and his eye was black. I asked what the heck happened! He told me that he had gotten into an argument with his wife and he called her a 25 cent whore.

She then hit him with a bag of quarters.


----------



## remy97

see more Epic Fails

you know the education system is getting bad!


----------



## woodsmithshop

Bubba showed up at work one morning with two black eyes, all of his coworkers harassed him about it, and asked him what happened, well, it's like this, Bubba says, on the bus this morning on the way to work, there was a woman standing in front of me with her dress stuck between her butt cheeks, being a gentleman I thought I would do her a favor and I pulled the dress out for her, she turned around and slugged me, okay Bubba that explains one black eye, said his coworkers, what about the second one, well, Bubba says, I figured she didn't want it out so I tucked it back in for her.


----------



## remy97

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."


----------



## remy97

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist


----------



## DanYo

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain."Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific.
"The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Owe, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Owe, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis; "You have a broken finger."
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

"My doctor told me to take something for my cold."
"What did you take?"
"His Coat!"

Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.
Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.

Bob to X-ray technician after swelling some money:
"Do you see any change in me?"
Nurse: Doctor, the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step what should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

Did you hear about the Siamese twins?
Everything goes in one ear and out the brother.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?
"Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"


----------



## antmjr

Hey Mario, your joke made me think of a funny thing that happened to a friend of mine, during his (never ended) studies at the university. One evening he ran into a pretty girl, she seemed to wait for somebody, he started talking…you know, Italian summer and young people…well, to shorten the story, they passed the night together, in the flat of the girl.

The next morning, you have to imagine my friend, still in bed, dreaming of a new life together with that pretty girl, "the woman of my life", well, I was saying, the next morning he was still in bed while the girl had gone to the bathroom. Suddenly she opens the door and shouts "Out, out!!! go away!!! my husband has abandoned me, we are divorced, *and now I use the men and I throw them away!*"

It's not a joke, it's true life, but I remember I wasn't able to stop laughing when he told me the whole story, I'm still laughing now ))


----------



## DanYo

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'


----------



## Grumpy

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"


----------



## woodywoodpecker64

That was great! I need a cigarette now  Thanks all for the great laughs, I have one that I'll post soon, promise
Dan


----------



## Grumpy

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute, but I worked both sides of the Mississippi


----------



## Grumpy

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.?

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.?
?
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through?High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'?
? ?
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'?
?
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.?
?
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'?


> 'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'?
> ? ?
> 'Barb-it's me, Rose.'?
> ? ?
> 'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'?
> ?
> 'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.?


'Rose! Where are you?'?
? ?
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'?


> 'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.?


'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'?
??
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'?

'You're pitching Tuesday.'?


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dennisgrosen

DANG! not two typingboards the same evening Grumpy
I can´t afford it

Dennis


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

oh Grumpy … those poor little bunnies


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## woodsmithshop

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. 
Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. 
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth. 
==============================


----------



## Porosky

Early one day I was walking my dog and happened through the local cemetery where I saw a man hunkered down by a tombstone. I nodded my head and said "morning" he replied "Naw, just taken a crap."


----------



## sIKE

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance… never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector-not wanting to get a toe blown off-started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind ?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir….. but… I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?


----------



## DanYo

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10-lb potato bag.

Then try a 50-lb potato bag and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


----------



## JJohnston

That one reminds me of one I heard from G. Gordon Liddy (not personally - from his show):

Two women are grocery shopping together, and they're in the produce section. "You know," says one, "these potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles."

"Really?" asks the other. "Are they that big?"

"No," replies the first. "They're that dirty."


----------



## remy97

did you hear about the invisible man who married the invisible woman? ya, they eventually decided to have kids but they really wern't much to see.


----------



## sIKE

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.


----------



## woodsmithshop

Subject: Tools Explained:

Tools Explained:
Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shucks"

Skill Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

Table Saw: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes and trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two-ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

Utility Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son-of-a-buck Tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son-of-a-buck" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


----------



## remy97

isn't that the truth!!! i have on to add though

a scroll saw: a tool to cut little decorative pieces for furniture, primary use to drive you nuts trying to cut little pieces out that usually get broken and lost under the workbench that you will eventually finds month later answering the question "where'd that thing go?".


----------



## DanYo

Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply."

He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."


----------



## DanYo

A young couple was making passionate love in the back of the man's panel van when, suddenly, the girl (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out, "Oh, big boy, whip me! Whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously didn?t have any whips to hand but, in a flash of inspiration, opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are beginning to fester a bit so she goes to her doctor. The Doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is somewhat taken aback and embarrassedly admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor says, "I thought so because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."


----------



## JJohnston

Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?

A: One is a flaming Nazi gasbag; the other was an airship.

(Don't get mad; use Nancy Pelosi or whomever you want instead)


----------



## remy97

ill make it nancy pelosi, i despise her, and harry reed, and the other guy, but i dont wanna cause a fight over it.


----------



## DanYo

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2010 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--le.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

The next one cracks me up…......
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n.. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


----------



## woodsmithshop

What's For Sale?
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well, only two left."


----------



## woodsmithshop

The Christmas Invitation:

Mick had been in Police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00….' 'Great', says Mick, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'…'
'Not a problem' says Mick. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too..'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!. I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Mick, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'


----------



## woodsmithshop

Movie Theater Pervert:

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The Ticket Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder?' The old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.' 'I'm sorry Sir, ' said the Ticket Agent. 'We can't allow animals in the theater.' The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. 'Marge,' whispered Mildred. 'What?' said Marge. 'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.' 'What makes you think so?' asked Marge. 'He undid his pants and he has his thing out.' whispered Mildred. 'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all'. 'I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's eatin my popcorn.'


----------



## woodsmithshop

Will you marry me?

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


----------



## DanYo

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"


----------



## DanYo

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny….... ... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last…..... ......... .
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget


----------



## DanYo

They never taught all these symbols in typing class

(o)(o) Perfect breasts

( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts

()() Perky breasts

(


Code:


)(

) Big nipple breasts

oo A cups

{ O }{ O } D cups

( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts

(o)(O) Lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) Pierced Breasts

(p)(p) Hanging Tassels Breasts

\ o /\ o/ Grandma's Breasts

( - )( - ) Against The Shower Door Breasts

| o | | o | Android Breasts

($)($) Martha Stewart's Breasts

(oYo) Wonderbra breasts.

( j )( j ) boobies with jewels

8===D Dick

8D A Cold dick

(!) a regular ass

(_!_) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(*) a sore ass

{!} a swishy ass

(o) an ass that's been around

(x) kiss my ass

(X) leave my ass alone

(zzz) a tired ass

(E=mc2) a smart ass

($) Money coming out of his ass

(?) Dumb Ass

( (!) ()) Shake that ass!

The Booty Dance!
(|)
(\)
(|)
(/)
(|_)


----------



## DanYo

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful'


----------



## Grumpy

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".


----------



## Grumpy

Divorce VS Murder--

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, 
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! 
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


----------



## Dennisgrosen

LOL…....LOL…...LOL :--)) Thank´s Grumpy


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex

Due to the climate of excessive political correctness now pervading America :

Kentuckians, Tennesseeans, North Carolinians, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'


----------



## Grumpy

A wife gets home from work early & hears strange noises 
Coming from the bedroom. 
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, 
Sweating and panting. 
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband.. 
The wife rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as 
she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up 
And says, "Mummy mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the 
Wardrobe & she has no clothes on" 
The wife slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom 
Right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is 
Her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 
'You rotten Bitch', she screams. 
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around 
Naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'


----------



## woodsmithshop

Subject: My Mommy the Marine

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get 
their parents to tell them a story with a 
moral at the end of it. The next 
day, the kids came back and, one by one, 
began to tell their stories. 
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and 
pennies saved. But then the teacher 
realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. 
"Janie, do you have a story to share?' ''Yes ma'am. My 
daddy told me a story about my Mommy. 
She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got 
hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all 
she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. 
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't 
break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi 
troops. 
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of 
bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she 
killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. 
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What 
did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? 
"Stay the Hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking."


----------



## Grumpy

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied..

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


----------



## DanYo

A Home Depot Story!
>
>
> Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
>
>
>
> 
>
>
> He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
>
>
>
>
>
> Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
>
>
> her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?" 
>
>
>
>
> The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
>
>
> Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket." 
>
>
> She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
>
>
> The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
>
>
> From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?" 
>
>
> Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet." 
>
>
> This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
>
>
>


----------



## Grumpy

*An Australian Story*



In the back of the yard..

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life, 
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife. 
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down, 
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town. 
They were given many names, some were even funny, 
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny. 
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all, 
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call. 
Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound, 
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round. 
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back," 
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap. 
That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps, 
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps. 
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks, 
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox. 
And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night, 
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light. 
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide, 
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside. 
There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all, 
Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall. 
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are, 
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar. 
When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled, 
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head. 
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped, 
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops. 
The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back, 
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac. 
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac, 
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back. 
For it seems today they call them the bathroom, or the loo, 
If you've never had one out the back, then I feel sorry for you. 
For it used to be a way of life, to race along the track, 
To answer natures call, at these buildings out the back.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

http://backend.deviantart.com/embed/view.swf
Down at the Bayou by =funymony on deviantART


----------



## DanYo

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me…

Then, I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


----------



## woodsmithshop

> 
> 
> Best Divorce Letter Ever 
> Dear Wife:
> 
> I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
> I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for
it.
> These last 2 weeks have been hell. 
> Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was 
> the last straw.
> Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut. 
> I had cooked your favorite meal, and I even wore a brand new pair of 
> silk boxers.
> You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of
> your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex
or 
> anything that connects us as husband & wife. 
> Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore…whatever!

> In any case - I'm gone…
> 
> Your EX-Husband 
> 
> P.S. 
> Don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia

> together!
> Have a great life! 
>
-----------------------------
--
> 
> Dear Ex-Husband: 
> 
> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. 
> It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is
a
far cry from what you've been.
> I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping. 
> Too bad that doesn't work.
> I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that
came to mind was 'You look like a nerd!' 
> Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say
something
nice, well, 
> you get the picture.
> And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork nearly 5 years ago.
> About those new silk boxers: 
> I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
and
I prayed 
> it was a coincidence that MY SISTER had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning.
> After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could have worked it
out. 
> So, when I hit the lotto for 12 million dollars this morning, I quit my
job and bought us 
> 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home - you were gone. 
> Everything happens for a reason, I guess. 
> I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. 
> My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime
from
me. 
> So, take care! 
> 
> Signed,
> Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
> 
> P.S. 
> I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. 
> I hope that's not a problem… 
> 
>


----------



## Grumpy

The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this
week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to 
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there 
was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and 
when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept 
money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of 
Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there 
were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental 
difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run 
it.


----------



## Dennisgrosen

the neighbors 3 kids 
has just changeling 
me to a waterfight 
time to make 
a few comments on L J
while the water is boiling


----------



## Grumpy

*How to get to Heaven from Ireland*
A TEACHERS YARN
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday 
school class to see if they understood the 
concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my 
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my 
money to the church, would that get me 
into heaven?" 
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed 
the garden and kept everything tidy, would 
that get me into heaven?" 
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and 
gave sweeties to all the children, and 
loved my husband, would that get me 
into heaven?" 
Again, they all answered 'No!'. 
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" 
A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv gotta be *$#@*^ dead"


----------



## DanYo

*Bear in a Bar *



​
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings ."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

..........You're gonna love this….....

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a * barbitchyouate*."

..


​


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

That one is a corker!! )


----------



## Grumpy

DAN, YOU JUST STOLE MY NEXT JOKE. DO YOU HAVE ESP OR SOMETHING?.LOL


----------



## Grumpy

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' 
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. 
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' 
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' 
The wife stared at him. 
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' 
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


----------



## Grumpy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." 
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." 
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. 
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." 
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Church and I had to quit drinking." 
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


----------



## Grumpy

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for 
the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman'
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. 
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner 
if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How 
much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about £50?' 
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she 
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, 
said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way 
around the house? That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' 
The man replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all 
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 
'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave 
it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten-pound tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.


----------



## Dennisgrosen

LOL…............LOL good one Grumpy


----------



## DanYo

Region III Quarterly
Intro 
Author 
Subject 
Volume 
Volume/Title 
NPS

Volume 2 - No. 4

October, 1940

THE CAT SPANKER

By Robert R. Budlong,
Custodian,
El Morro National Monument.

(Web Edition Note: The National Park Service does not endorse, nor condone, the creation of such a device to deal with stray animals. This article is merely reprinted for historical purposes.)

Domestic cats are cute pets but they are out of place in a wildlife refuge. Marauding tabbies from nearby farms wreaked such havoc among our bird population that it became necessary to do something about it. An effective and humane device was constructed that functions automatically to discourage such visitations, and now, seemingly, no cat will venture within the boundaries of this national monument more than once. The contrivance includes a platform upon which some salmon is placed as bait. Through a trigger arrangement actuated by the weight of the cat as he is about to sample the fish, a bent lath is suddenly released and applied smartly to the south end of the feline. Propelled down a metal chute and into a tub of cold water, he emerges with great speed, streaks for the nearest boundary fence, and never returns. While I never could find one of the victims, after one application of the "spanker", my neighbors tell me that their cats have become rather shy. The pussies stay at home, keep looking over their shoulders, and have spells of resting in a most peculiar manner. They look thoughtfully off into space, as though some memory bothers them. They frequently go to sleep standing up, or rest lying down; seldom do they just sit. And they have acquired a distaste for salmon!

The "walloper" consists of a three-sided pen and a long chute that leads down toward a large washtub of water. Incorporated in the floor of this chute is a delicately-hinged platform, flush with the floor, and supported lightly by a rubber band stretched beneath it. When the platform is depressed about a sixteenth of an inch it closes an electric circuit and releases the tripping device. This consists of a large rat-trap with an iron washer fastened to the pan and an electro-magnet built into the trap directly beneath the pan. The magnet is actuated by a 22-1/2 volt battery. The weight of the cat depresses the platform and closes the electric circuit; the magnet pulls the rat-trap pan down, the wire jaw flies forward and knocks free a long nail that is held in place back of a carriage-bolt head. To this nail is fastened a long cord, which in turn is tied to a lath, the opposite end of which is firmly fixed to a heavy post in such manner that when the lath is strongly bowed, the string is long enough to let the nail catch beneath the carriage-bolt head, keeping the lath bent until released by the rat-trap. This lath is not ordinary building lath, which has insufficient strength and spring, but stronger and sterner stuff. When this bent lath is released, it flies forward, and through a nicety in adjustment applies a vigorous spanking to the posterior extremity of the cat. It is best to pad the business-end of the lath with a sponge-rubber kneeling-pad, such as is used by some housemaids and gardeners. The result is a severely spanked cat. The entire operation takes but a fraction of a second, and, Presto! your cat problem is solved. An added refinement in construction is to connect one wire leading to the magnet through the metal parts of the trap via the trigger, to break the electric circuit as the trap is released, thus preventing the battery from running down.

You must build the entrance to the spanker carefully, so that the cat will voluntarily assume the correct position. Once that happens, his future actions become involuntary. Therefore, we make a three-sided blind just ahead of our tunnel, or chute, and place some salmon just beyond the movable platform in the floor. The cat will eventually stalk into the open end of the blind and cautiously approach the salmon. If we take a series of measurements of average cat length, average stride of front legs, average distances from front paw to nose, and so on, we can properly adjust our hinged platform so that when the cat's front paw touches the platform and releases the mechanism, only about five-and-a-quarter inches of cat protrude from the blind. It is essential that the cat have its tail erect, but Nature attends to this. The cat feels anticipation or something, and it is the nature of cats to hold the tail erect at such moments. With respect to "average" on the necessary cat measurements: this depends upon the size of cats raised in your vicinity. Keep accurate notes of these measurements. I find that seven cats will give sufficient average. You obtain this by adding each column (length at foreleg, length from extended paw in normal creeping position of the cat to tip of nose, etc.) and dividing tha totals by the number of cats. From these measurementes you determine the length of the entrance from where the spanker stops, to the edge of the hinged platform.

contraption
STUFFED "KITTY" DEMONSTRATES SPANKER.

All parts must be covered with sheet metal. Don't use wood throughout - you can't be sure of grain direction in the wood, and moisture raises the grain, so line it with zinc or galvanized iron-sheeting. By further experimentations you can readily determine the proper tension on the lath. You should spank the cat violently enough to propel him a predetermined distance, but not cause any injury. This tension is regulated by lengthening or shortening the string from the lath to the nail that holds the lath in its bent position.

We next come to the problem of what to do with the cat as he is propelled forward. He invariably goes head-first. You might do as I did with one spanker that was the most effective of all: contrive another propelling device where the cat emerges from the tunnel that will release from the shock of his landing and propel him vertically over the nearest fence. This, I have observed, adds to his humiliation. If you have no fence, you will find that it is not very difficult to construct one, in order to achieve just the right effect. However, I find that by building the tunnel so the far end has a strong downward direction, and by placing a large-size washtub full of cold water beneath this, satisfactory results are obtained. You should remember that pressure and friction produce heat. Not that the cat will become hot-headed - quite; the contrary. He will go into the tub headfirst, but the warmed end will immediately be completely submerged. It has seemed to me that this cooling device is most humane.

http://www.nps.gov/history/history/online_books/region_111/vol2-4h.htm


----------



## DanYo

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Answer below! (this is pretty good)









The Answer is: 'A Last Name..'

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?


----------



## Grumpy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. 
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.' 
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him..
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor..

*Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'*


----------



## Grumpy

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. 
Love,
Vinnie


----------



## littlevern

Several years ago, about 30 years I guess. I need to go to see the doctor, for a twisted knee. It was a small town, so only one doctor in town, he did it all.
It was a large waiting room, divided into two parts by some house plants.
I was sitting on the other side of the divider, while three young expectant ladies were on the side closest to the counter.
I had come in before they did, so they had no idea there were any men around.
One of the ladies being a redhead informed the others she was having a baby boy. Now keep in mind this was before they had these things called "sonograms."
Right away the other two ladies ask her how she knew she was having a baby boy.
"Well" explained the redhead. "My husband was on top when I conceived."
I see" said the other two.
"Well I'm having a baby girl." exclaimed the brunette.
"How do you know?" the last one ask.
Because I was on top when I conceived" said the brunette.
The blonde got very quiet after this.
"Well, Honey, what are you going to have?" the first two ask her.
To which she replied, "Well, I guess I'm going to have a puppy."


----------



## littlevern

Several years ago I moved myself and my family to Utah. I was working in the gas patch. 
Wanting to fit in I decided when in Roam do as the Romans do.
So I went down the Morman church to join up.
The Bishop informed me that they just don't take anybody. They prefer people of good moral character, and honest citizens.
"So Vern we shall give you a little test to see how you do. To test your moral character you might say.
We want you to go home and abstain from sex of any kind for one month. Meanwhile come back and see us in two weeks.
So I went home and came back to see them in two weeks.
The Bishop asks me "Well how did you do Vern?"
Oh I assured him id done fine and did as he had asked me. I had refrained from sex during this time. He asks my wife if this was so, and she assured him that I had behaved myself and I was telling the truth.
"Very well Vern." He exclaimed, "Now go on home and finish the next two weeks and come on back and see us.
Well after two weeks my wife And I went back to see the Bishop. "Hello Vern," he said. "How did you do?" 
To which I Said I had done very well.
Now you see, my wife will not lie. 
When the Bishop ask her how I had done. She replied. "Well Bishop. Vern did all right those first two weeks. But those last two weeks, you see I dropped some oranges on the floor. And Vern could not help himself. He just mounted me right there."
Well the Bishop replied. We are sorry but you are not welcome here because of your lack of self control.
"That's all right Bishop," My wife replied. "We are not welcome down at the grocery store either."


----------



## littlevern

Little Johnny

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath!

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk…

"$2,467.00" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ********************!"

Then I would say, "It is dog ********************. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something ********************ty for free, and then making you pay to get the ********************ty taste out of your mouth."


----------



## littlevern

The Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena 
Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.


----------



## terrilynne

One day a man was sitting on the mountaintop talking to God
man: God why did you make women so pretty?
God: so you would like them my son.
man: but why did you make them so soft and smell so good?
God: so you would like them my son.
man: but why did you make them so stupid?
God: so they would like YOU


----------



## TheDane

A new blonde joke!!!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the clerk in the shoe store, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration…..

RATS! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!


----------



## Grumpy

LONDON LAWYER -V- GLASGOW COP
>>>>
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. 
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
>>>>
Glasgow cop: " Licence and registration, please." 
>>>>
London Lawyer: "What for?" 
>>>>
Glasgow cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the STOP sign." 
>>>>
London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming." 
>>>>
Glasgow cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please." 
>>>>
London Lawyer: "What's the difference?" 
>>>>
Glasgow cop: "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop; that's the law. Licence and registration, please!" 
>>>>
London Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow-down' 
and 'stop', I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." 
>>>>
Glasgow cop: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." 
>>>>
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
>>>>
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the @*&* out of the lawyer and saying "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"


----------



## Grumpy

GETTING MARRIED
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter: 
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do…"

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: 
"Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list…"


----------



## DanYo

HOW TO SELL … TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. 
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on 
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath …

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world
were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth
brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," 
said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & 
Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked
by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes
like dog ********************!"

Then I would say,"It is dog ********************. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach
of giving you something ********************ty that they say is good,
and then making you pay to get the ********************ty taste out
of your mouth."

The teacher was speechless. . . . . . . .


----------



## Magnum

Blonde and a Brunette share an Apartment. The're watching the 11 O'Clock News.

A guy is on there threatening to Commit Suicide by jumping off a Bridge.

Brunette: Bet you $5.00 Bucks he Jumps.

Blonde: You're on! Then he Jumps.

Brunette: I can't take your money. I saw it on the 6 O'Clock news.

Blonde: So did I but I didn't think He'd do it again!


----------



## Magnum

Teacher says…..Can anyone use the word "Wonderful" in a Sentence?

Mary says: I can!! "The other night my Dad came home for Supper, and during Supper he said. "This is a Wonderful Meal prepared by a Wonderful Lady."

Teacher: That's great Mary. Twice in one sentence"

Little Johhny pipes up: "Mine's almost the same." "The other night we were all having Supper and My Sixteen Year Old Sister said. "Mom & Dad. I have something to tell you. I'm Pregnant." My Mom didn't say anything but my Dad said ….." Oh Wonderful….Just F---G Wonderful!"


----------



## Magnum

If the Police try and Arrest someone with a Multiple Personality Disorder, would they consider it to be a Hostage Situation?


----------



## Grumpy

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

The next day during the wedding ceremony, the time came for the bride and groom to exchange their vows. The pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."


----------



## Magnum

Don't know what to Re-Upholster your Old Chesterfield with???



Duct Tape will do Everything and Anything!!


----------



## Magnum

If you're a Golfer or like to steal Golf Balls. You should ALWAYS read the Clubhouse signs BEFORE doing so!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

THAT'S REALLY LAYING THE BOOT IN.


----------



## GaryC

-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'
-I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. 
-It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. 
-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends
-Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


----------



## GaryC

Lovers of the English language enjoy this…
It is an example of why people learning English have so much trouble. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language.

.....
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is

'UP.'

It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election.Why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car. At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses…
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special!
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about the word UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary..

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP . When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap this UP for now because my time is UP !

Oh…

one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U P !

Don't mess UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book.. It's UP to you!

Now I think I'll shut UP. Whew!!!


----------



## Grumpy

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: 
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), 
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME 
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! 
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'


----------



## DrDirt

On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small
forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer,
while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee
man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to
his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.
"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side
of the forest."
"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky
farmer asked.
"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off
three of his legs and he's still trapped."


----------



## DrDirt

You Know You're From A Small Town When…

• The local phone book has only one yellow page.

• Third Street is on the edge of town.

• The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

• You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there on the same chair.

• You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

• No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

• You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

• Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

• The McDonalds only has one golden arch.

• A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

• You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.

• Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.

• You can name everyone you graduated with.

• School gets cancelled for state sporting events.

• Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

• Directions are given out using the stop light as reference.

• It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.


----------



## DrDirt

An out of work *********************************** oilfield hand answered a knock on the door one
day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the unemployed oilfield hand. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and he proceeded to closethe door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.

'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto his hallway carpet.. 'If this vacuum cleaner does
not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will
personally eat the remainder.'

The unemployed oilfield hand stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my
electricity this morning.


----------



## Grumpy

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were honeymooning in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to correct it, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" 
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" 
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places him on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano, for it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

*"Master, Master! ....... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"*

(Don't blame me, you really should've seen that one coming)


----------



## Grumpy

*4 Worms Church Sermon!*

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' 
That pretty much ended the service


----------



## DanYo

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy,
shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like threepickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and
dimes."Mortified, he too fled.

"Morons…." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly
gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at
you."

They took the bus.


----------



## GaryC

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie….'You know how I work….You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy…. 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'

*POOF*

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. 
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

*POOF*

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says… 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

*POOF*

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached


----------



## DrDirt

Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course…
A 'Rock Hudson'? - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein'? - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat'? - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.'? - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King'? - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace'? - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di'? - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom'? - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian'? - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh'? - a little to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi'? - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce'? - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy'? - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman'? - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono'? - straight into the trees.
A 'Paris Hilton'? - a very expensive hole.
A `TIGER WOODS'? - Wrong Hole.


----------



## DanYo

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. 
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.' 
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. 
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. 
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.' 
You're going to love the Dad's reply:

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'


----------



## Grumpy

A woman goes into the doctor's all bruised and beaten up pretty badly…...
Doctor: "My god…what happened?" 
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.. Every time my husband comes home after a few beers he beats me up." 
Doctor: "Well I have a really good remedy for that.. When your husband comes home drunk, just make a cup of green tea, take a sip and start swirling it in your mouth. Don't drink it, just swirl it around and around for a while".
2 weeks later the woman returns to the doctor looking all healthy and fresh again.
Woman: " Doc, the green tea thing was brilliant …. Every time my husband came home drunk, I sipped and swirled repeatedly with green tea and now he never touches me." 
Doctor: "Excellent…..........so now you can see why keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea!!!"


----------



## Grumpy

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall…

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said. 
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 
'For Pete's sake, you stupid ^*#. It's ten past three in the ^&*$%@ morning!!!'


----------



## Grumpy

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"" 
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." 
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." 
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also.
"The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife… and SIX children with me!" 
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." 
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


----------



## Grumpy

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very large woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off
and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

That reminds me of my dad) One day we were down the street in Nampa. It was a typical hot summer day about 95. There was a guy walking in front of us about 15 feet wearing a white shirt and slacks, no coat. He was a bit plump with a large rear end. Dad had to say, "You can sure tell that guy spends all his time sitting on his a$$!"


----------



## DanYo

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!


----------



## Dennisgrosen

that´s remind me of a day 9 years ago when I got frustrated home from work
about 2000 hours and realises it was tooo queit in the house
thought the wife and my daughter was felt a sleep 
suddenly I remember she had ask me to pick up the daughter at the childcare
and I realy didn´t know when they closed for the day
luckely for me the neighbor did take her with them when they came after there son
1700 hours when they closed

thank good my vife still don´t know anything about it


----------



## Grumpy

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".


----------



## DanYo

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns
to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,proving once again that you
can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The
other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. 
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," 
he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." 
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture
of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God,a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers
to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged
the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired
Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh,man,
this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis.

10. And finally, One upon a time , there was the lumberjock who posted ten different puns
to his lumberjock Buds, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh.

No pun in ten did.


----------



## Grumpy

SEX AT 82! 
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82! 
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73 … So it's not far to walk home afterwards! LOL


----------



## Grumpy

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
You know…. The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?' 
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


----------



## Grumpy

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure..' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
'Where's my toast ?'


----------



## yarydoc

Did you hear about the Indian that drank a hundred gallons of tea? The next morning they found him drowned in his tea pee.


----------



## Grumpy

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly .
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' 
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '
The mortician thought this was rather strange. 
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley ' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.' 
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'


----------



## DanYo

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or

1.5 gallons?" 
Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." 
Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?" 
Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."


----------



## Grumpy

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in the adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?' 
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 
'So, where were you all these years?' 
'In prison,' he says. 
'Why did they put you in prison?' 
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.' 
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single…?!'


----------



## Grumpy

A man was telling his neighbor , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty.'


----------



## RonPeters

Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for
a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)


----------



## Grumpy

CATHOLIC COFFEE

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well….?" 
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

slim,

tall,

38D breast,

24" waist and

34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."


----------



## Grumpy

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."


----------



## Dennisgrosen




----------



## Grumpy

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff-no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand'


----------



## Grumpy

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a *chat room *on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via *e-mail *with your Mom and we met at a *cyber-cafe*. We sneaked into a secluded room, and *googled* each other. There your mother agreed to a *download* from my *hard drive*. As soon as I was ready to *upload*, we discovered that neither one of us had used a *firewall*, and since it was too late to hit the *delete button *, nine months later a little *Pop-Up *appeared that said:

Wait for it!

*You got Male! *


----------



## Hillsboro

Three men and a woman were golfing as a foursome. All the men tee off first and make excellent drives down the fairway.

As they stand by, the woman tees up and takes a swing and completely misses the ball. She tries again and misses. Finally on her third swing, she nicks the top of the ball and sends it boucing a few yards ahead.

In great frustration she throws her club to the ground, turns to the man and says "all that money I spent on f#*&ing lessons were a total waste of time!"

To which one the men replies "Maybe next time spend your money on golf lessons."


----------



## Grumpy

*No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.*
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No". Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile" 
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …." The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"


----------



## DanYo

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried

out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went

down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When

he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE ."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jolie, You

would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then

said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three

wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of

others.


----------



## Grumpy

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: Hello

WOMAN: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes

WOMAN: I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: $ 90,000

MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: Great!
Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000

MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it.
If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.

WOMAN: OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!

MAN: Bye! I love you, too. 
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'


----------



## DanYo

Piss and Moan

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and

that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a

telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


----------



## woodsmithshop

RACISM:

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" 
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" 
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well,no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."


----------



## woodsmithshop

Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he
could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't
you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's
wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building
that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do
it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'


----------



## helluvawreck

That was a good one - my first good laugh of the day. Thanks.


----------



## Grumpy

While walking down the street one day a Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises….

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning… ...

Today you voted.'


----------



## Grumpy

Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better….
LOL


----------



## woodsmithshop

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went
in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of
Their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private
regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then
rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's
examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to
Billings, Montana."

"Good grief; is that where the job is?"

"No sir-that's where the end of the line is right
now."


----------



## Grumpy

A Semi driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'


----------



## Tomoose

Billy is struggling with his homework. His father notices the troubled look on Billy's face and inquires about his assignment. Billy explains that he is to write a paragraph about the difference between theory and reality.

Eager to help, dad tells Billy to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbor Jim for a million dollars.
Billy poses the question to his mom, "Hey mom, would you sleep with neighbor Jim for a million dollars?" 
Mom's jaw drops and she scolds Billy for asking such a question.
Billy explains to her that he is simply doing research for his assignment. 
"Oh, then yes, I would probably sleep with Jim for a million dollars," says mom.

Billy reports back to his dad that, in fact, mom would sleep with Jim next door for a million dollars.
Dad then tells Billy to go ask his big sister the same question.

"Sis," Billy asks, "would you sleep with our neighbor Jim if you got a million dollars for it?" 
Billy's sister is about ready to sock him in the eye for asking her such a question, but Billy chimes in that the question is just research for his homework.
"Well,then yes, I would sleep with neighbor Jim for a million dollars."

Billy goes back to dad with his big sister's answer.

"So do you get it now, Billy?" asks his Dad.

Perplexed, Billy tells him "No, I still don't understand the difference between theory and reality."

Dad explains it. "In theory we're millionaires, but in reality we're just living with a couple of whores."


----------



## Cher

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar!"


----------



## Tomoose

from a good friend's 4th grade student…

A duck walks in to a department store and is looking around when the clerk asks if he needs any help. "Got any duck food?" asks the duck.

"No, we don't have any duck food" says the clerk, "so get outta' here."

The next day the duck walks back in to the same store and when the same clerk approaches he asks, "Got any duck food?"

Slightly irritated, the clerk says "I told you yesterday - we don't have any duck food! Now get outta' here!"

Third day in a row, the duck goes back to the same store and the clerk is waiting for him just inside.

"Got any duck food?"

"NO!" the clerk shouts, "IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE ASKING FOR DUCK FOOD AGAIN I'M GONNA' NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR! GOT IT? NOW GET OUTTA' HERE!

Next day the duck walks back into the same store. He is met with the fiery gaze of the same clerk.

The duck asks, "Got any nails?"

"No," says the somewhat surprised clerk.
.
.
.

(wait for it…)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Got any duck food?"


----------



## Grumpy

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

'What's the matter?' he asks. 
'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my a*se coming into work today


----------



## ChefHDAN

A Cowboy named Buddy

A cowboy named Buddy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Buddy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Apple computer, connects it to his AT&T i-phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Buddy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Buddy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're an aide in the Obama Administration", says Buddy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter you are than me; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living-or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.


----------



## Tomoose

Ms. Jones asks the class "if 12 birds are sitting on a wire and you shoot one of them, how many are left?"

Billy answers "none, after you shoot one the rest would fly away."

Teacher tells him "the correct answer is eleven, but I like the way you think."

Billy asks the teacher "three women are eating ice cram cones. One is licking the ice cream, one is nibbling the ice cream, and the third is putting the whole cone is her mouth and slurping the ice cream. Which one is married?"

Blushing, the teacher replies "the married one is the one who is slurping the ice cream."

"No," billy says, "its the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think"


----------



## Grumpy

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


----------



## Grumpy

Welcome Kathleen.
Thanks for watching.


----------



## Grumpy

Mum's in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.'


----------



## Grumpy

*LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE *

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea…'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ********************?


----------



## Bearpie

*********************************** Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob
tells Luther, Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year
I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to
Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and
Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and
darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## derosa

Two friends are sitting in a bar talking and quickly lose track of time till the bartender calls for any last calls. At that the first friend groans out loud. 
His friend quickly asks him what the problem is.
"My wife hates me drinking this late" he says. "I'll pull into the driveway as quietly as I can, barely shut the door to the truck, carefully and slowly turn the key in the lock, creep up the stairs as carefully as I can and try to slowly slip into bed. At some point in this process she'll wake up and start yelling and nagging me about staying out so late at the top of her voice, I just don't know what to do" 
His friend shakes his head in sympathy, "man, that's rough. Me, I skid into the driveway, slam the downstairs door, run up the stairs pulling my clothes off as I go, jump into bed and scream who's up for sex, daddy's horny. Some how she always seems to still be sleeping."


----------



## sras

BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear 
a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are 
blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter..

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No…not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


----------



## Greedo

heard this one on the radio the other day, readers discretion advised!
:
a catholic priest discovers one day that he has a little white spot on his penis, he inmediately starts to worry and asks himself if this is a deadly disease or whatever. full of fear he goes to the doctor and tells him "i have this white spot on my penis and i don't know what it is"ok", says the doctor, "take your pants off and i will have a look", the doctor bends down and looks at it and smiles a little. "is it serious?" the priest asks in panic, "oh don't worry about that" the doctor replies. "well what is it then?" asks the priest, when the doctor replies :"oh, it's just a milk tooth…"


----------



## Grumpy

With respect Greedo that one is a bit over the edge, there are kids watching.


----------



## woodsmithshop

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." 
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" 
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well… only two left."

Seniors-don't mess with them!


----------



## DanYo

Grumpman is the owner ... it is his limits that are respected here


----------



## patron

Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this

congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This 
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. 
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the 
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this 
Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to

face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven 
and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand
and confess your transgression.'

Again, all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would

stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice 
quivered as she spoke,

'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding..I never

said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of 
my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the

congregation roared.


----------



## woodsmithshop

The very first ever Blond GUY joke….. And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, " Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death .

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again !"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch


----------



## Grumpy

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp … 
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"


----------



## Grumpy

In a convent in Ireland,
the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed
trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink
but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass
back to the kitchen. 
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey
that had been received as a gift 
the previous Christmas, 
she opened it and poured a generous amount 
into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, 
they held the glass to her lips. 
The frail nun drank a little, 
then a little more and before they knew it, 
she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. 
As her eyes brightened, 
the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity 
to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, 
"Please give us some of your wisdom 
before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, 
looked at them and said:

"Don't sell that cow."


----------



## patron

Holy Prostitutes …

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, in Kentucky , when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye… 
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION… 10 MILES

He thinks this is a FIGMENT OF HIS IMAGINATION, and drives on….

Soon, he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION… 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are FOR REAL, and drives
past a third sign, saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION… NEXT RIGHT

His CURIOSITY gets the best of him, and he pulls into the drive…

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building, with a small sign
next to the door, reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps, and rings the bell… 
The door is answered by a Nun, in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we
do for you, my Son?"

He responds, "I saw your signs, along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business…"

"Very well, my Son. Please follow me." He is led, through many winding
passages, and is soon quite disoriented. 
The Nun stops, at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock, on this
door."

He does so and another Nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the
door… This nun instructs, "Please place $100, in the cup; then go through
the large wooden door, at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall, and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
sign:

GO IN PEACE. 
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED, BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. 
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!


----------



## woodsmithshop

> >
> >
> >A filthy rich Florida man decided that 
> he wanted to throw a party and invited 
> all of his buddies and neighbors. 
> >
> >
> >He also invited Leroy, the only *********************************** 
> in the neighborhood. 
> >
> >
> >He held the party around the pool in the 
> backyard of his mansion. 
> >
> >
> >Leroy was having a good time drinking, 
> dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ 
> and flirting with all the women. 
> >
> >
> >At the height of the party, 
> >
> >
> >The host said, 'I have a 10 foot 
> >
> >
> >Man eating gator in my pool 
> >
> >
> >And I'll give a million dollars to anyone 
> who has the nerve to jump in. 
> >
> >
> >The words were barely out of his mouth 
> when there was a loud splash. Everyone 
> turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! 
> >
> ><>Leroy was fighting the gator! Leroy was 
> jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, 
> throwing punches, head butts and choke 
> holds, biting the gator on the tail and 
> flipping it through the air like some kind 
> of Judo Instructor. 
> >
> >
> >The water was churning and splashing 
> everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator 
> were screaming and raising hell. 
> >
> >
> >Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let 
> it float to the top like a dime store 
> goldfish. 
> >
> >
> >Leroy then slowly climbed out of the 
> pool. Everybody was just staring at him 
> in disbelief. 
> >
> >
> >Finally the host says, 'Well, 
> >
> >
> >Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 
> >
> >
> >'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy. 
> >
> >
> >The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give 
> you something. You won the bet. How 
> about half a million bucks then?' 
> >
> >
> >No thanks, I don't want it,' 
> >
> >
> >Answered Leroy. 
> >
> >
> >The host said, 'Come on, I insist on 
> giving you something. That was 
> amazing. How about a new Porsche 
> and a Rolex and some stock options?' 
> >
> >
> >Again Leroy said no. 
> >
> >
> >Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, 
> Leroy, then what do you want?' 
> >
> >
> >Leroy said, 'I want the name of the 
> sumbich who pushed me in the pool!' 
> > =
> 
> 
> 
> 
> >


----------



## Roger Clark aka Rex

All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 
Eighty percent held up their hands. 
The Minister then repeated his question. Al l responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" 
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."


----------



## Cozmo35

Joe pulls an all night drunk on Sunday night.
He has a hangover from hell the next day but is supposed to go to work.
He calls in and says "Boss, I won't be into work today I have "anal blindness" 
The boss says "What the heck is "anal blindness?" 
Joe says "I can't see my ass coming to work today!"


----------



## MickeyD

Ole and Lena just got married and were on their honeymoon. It was during the fall and they were taking a train to a romantic cabin in the north woods of Minnesota. The train was full of hunters heading off for the start of hunting season. Ole was trying to persuade Lena to consummate their wedding, but Lena was adament. She wanted to wait until they arrived at their cabin. The train broke down. Ole again tried to persuade Lena, but again she said no. The hunters were aggravated about the delay and there was much grumbling. The train started once again and everyone was happy. Ole in the mean time was again trying to convince Lena that they did not have to wait until they arrived at the cabin. It would be just as wonderful here on the train. Lena again said no. Once again the train broke down. This time the hunters were getting angry about the delay. Lena was wandering amongst the hunters and heard them complaining. She hurried off to find Ole. When she found him she was insistant that they hurry off to their little berth on the train. Ole wondered why Lena had changed her mind. She said that she had heard from the hunters that by the time they arrived at their cabin the ********************ing season would be over.


----------



## Grumpy

Two men making a letter bomb

Paddy- Do you think I've put enough explosives in?

Mick- Dunno open it and see.

Paddy- But it will explode.

Mick - Don't be dumb Paddy its not addressed to you.


----------



## DanYo

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV"..

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"


----------



## DanYo

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman
digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


----------



## DanYo

Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a 
Biker are all walking together one day. 
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', 
says the Genie.

The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia ' 
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming. 
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.' 
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. 
The Biker says,'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' 
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.' 
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a joint, smiles and says, 
'Fill it with water.'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Hey Dan, the one I heard was the Aussie filled it. LOL


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs.

It's doing well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.


----------



## Abbott

Geez, LOL Dan!


----------



## DrDirt

An Iranian neighbor in an upstairs apartment was shaking out his rug on the balcony…

Seeing this i called out to him and asked "What's wrong Hussein, won't it start?"


----------



## Grumpy

Greenie Revenge

The chief woman "Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist", who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

"Well…." replied the doctor, "I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove "old growth timber" from a "recreational area" . . .. I'm sorry but they all turned me down."


----------



## DanYo

A Boys First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 14 or so. I went in to buy a
packet of condoms at Park Lane Pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could
see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how
to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my very first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
she cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to
see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on,
she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well,
come on', she said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no
longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me and asked, 'Did that condom work okay for you?'

I said, 'It sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the ******************** out of me . . .


----------



## Grumpy

> A farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
> 
> His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" 
> 
> He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
> 
> "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
> 
> "Here boy" he replies.
> 
> ---------------------------------
> 
> Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
> feet.
> 
> "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
> 
> "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
> 
> "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
> 
> "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
> 
> 
> 
>An American tourist asks an Irishman:
> 
> "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" 
> To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
> in the bloody boat."


----------



## Grumpy

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip. 
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!' 
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down. 
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies? 
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. 
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area. 
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. 
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver. 
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## roman

almost there


----------



## DanYo

TEXAS TITTY BAR
...
..
.
.
..
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
..
.
.

...
.
.

.
..
.
.

.
.









...
..

http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

*When I was young (100 yrs. ago) and my intent was to 
go to medical school, the entrance exam included several 
questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I 
to spell out an important part of the human body that is 
more useful when erect." 
*


----------



## DanYo

*Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors. 
The rest ended up in Congress.*


----------



## DanYo

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman has sued St. Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Woosterman was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight…"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## distrbd

Now that was Dan'um style funny,I almost fell for it.(The birthday joke)


----------



## murch

Jimmy had a traumatic experience and lost his power of speech. He really wanted to speak again so he spends all his money on professional therapists but nothing works.
Finally, at his wits end and nearly broke he visits Madam Sin at the local brothel for a bit of "company".
Madam Sin recognises him and knows all about his problem.
She tells him " You should have come to see me first, Jimmy. For €200, I can cure your affliction." 
Jimmy has only €200 left but he thinks," what the hell, I tried everywhere else."

Madam Sin calls Jimmy over to her and tells him to drop his trousers and rest his manhood on her desk.
Jimmy thinks this is going well so far and willingly obliges. Quick as a flash, Madam Sin whips out a hammer
and whacks it down on Jimmy's knob with all her might.

"AAAAaaaaaahhhhh" roars Jimmy.
"Oouuh well done Jimmy" she said. "That's great progress already. If you want, come back tomorrow
and I'll teach you "B"


----------



## murch

A woman goes to her husband and says "my gynecologist said I can't have sex for a month" 
The husband replied " what did your dentist say?"


----------



## DanYo

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the
sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the
same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can
also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
resurrection, the little boy Johnny raised his hand….....










The pastor called on him and little boy Johnny said,

"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours
you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.


----------



## Grumpy

The Secret to a Long Marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide (Australia), they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tookaher to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

The Enda


----------



## Grumpy

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma ,

Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other

and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the

room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it

be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a

Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced

Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10

cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at

each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the

40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent Martinis are produced, with the

bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay

the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two Martinis and haven't even spent a

dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve

Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says,

"and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the

Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this

place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's

all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their Martinis, they can't help

noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't

have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered

anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men

asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Australia,

They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."


----------



## Grumpy

An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas .

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring
day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn,
and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing
the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good
father, replied, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . .

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, me lad, 'tis certainly true; but
we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the
reason for me call."


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."


----------



## DanYo

"A man had a son, but he was born as only a head. The man lovedhis son very much and took care of him, even though he was only a head.When the son turned 21, the man took him to a bar."One whiskey for my boy, barkeep!" said the man."You don't want to do that," said the bartender."He's a man, just turned 21! Get him a whiskey!""I'm serious," the bartender insisted. "It's a bad idea.""Just do it!" ordered the man.So the bartender got the head a whiskey, and when he drank it, hesprouted a body! The head and his dad were excited, but the bartenderwasn't pleased."Wow, another one of those for my boy!" yelled the man."It's a really bad idea," the bartender stated."Just give him a stupid whiskey! Geez, I'm payin', ain't I?" said theman, a little frustrated now.So the bartender gave the son a whiskey, and he grew an arm! The father madethe bartender give more whiskey to the head, and he grew another arm, a leg,another leg, and finally the head was a whole person.The son was so excited that he ran into the street, screaming andshouting happily, and was hit by a car and died."I told you," the bartender said. "You should've quit while he was a head."


----------



## Grumpy

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots….Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

At the Australian wedding reception the D.J. yelled…
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." 
The bartender was almost crushed to death.


----------



## DanYo

interesting baby name .

,,,
,
,
,,
,
,
,
,
,


----------



## Grumpy

*Theatre Seats For Seniors*

An old man lay reclined across three seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man mumbled something but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up,, I'm going to have to call the manager."

This time, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he returned with the manager.
Together, the two of them tried a number of times to move the disheveled old man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The Police officer surveyed the situation briefly and asked, "All right then, sir, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Thank you, Fred. Now, where are you from?" asked the policeman.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred
moaned, "The balcony…"


----------



## Dusty56

*LOL , Grumpy !!*


----------



## waho6o9

Grumpy…......

+100


----------



## Grumpy

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital." 
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed." 









"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"


----------



## Dusty56

Hahahahaha : )


----------



## Grumpy

*Wise Italian Grandfather*

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated …38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?


----------



## Dusty56

Ho Ho Ho ….very funny , Grumpy : )


----------



## DanYo

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother!

End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale


----------



## DanYo

Politicians are people who,
when they see light at the
end of the tunnel, go out and
buy some more tunnel.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dusty56

FOR A HAPPY LIFE

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

*5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other. *


----------



## Grumpy

The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. 
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment.
I spit on your ties. I need water!" 
"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but… I must conserve my energy and find water!" 
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man,"It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need… Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped…."They won't let me in without a tie!"


----------



## Dusty56

LOL , Grumpy : )


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dusty56

I don't know which is funnier , the thought , or the *"s"* after deer.


----------



## murch

She was only a poitin-makers daughter but I love her still.


----------



## Grumpy

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" 
asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a 
football game. After the game is over, he asks her if 
she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those 
men in tight clothes, but there is one thing 
I don't understand." 
"What did you not understand ?" 
And the blonde says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, 
both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. 
Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the 
quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. 
So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!" 








thanks ODIE !
http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


----------



## Dusty56

Ya got a picture of that from behind , Dan ?


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Robert's Wedding

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . ..

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it, Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But, as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.


----------



## DIYaholic

ROTFLMAO!!!


----------



## Dusty56

*GO , ROBERT !!!* LOL


----------



## Grumpy

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. 
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior…...

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the PA and announced to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ….. so she took the frozen crabs home and ate them  
Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are !!!

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think…..


----------



## Dusty56

DOH !!


----------



## Grumpy

A woman walks into the Social Security office, trailed by 15 kids…
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.' 
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?' 
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch

'I call them by their surnames!'


----------



## Jim Jakosh

Dan that is pure poetry!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

*

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, 
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with 
the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her
in the morning…

**

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, 
so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.

**

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were 
shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because 
my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 
10th anniversary.

***

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his 
class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! 
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

*

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having 
sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

*

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator 
says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the 
same, but the ironing is piling up!"

**

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said 
she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously 
haven't been listening."

***

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare 
for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her 
clothes back.

****

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could 
contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, 
but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.*
*

*THANKS ODIE !*
http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


----------



## Grumpy

> My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the doctor once a year for hischeck-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head…

I think my dog might be a Politician

Thanks Andy


----------



## Grumpy

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law
boiling with anger and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email
to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I
get home… and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Rachel,
with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end
of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!
very odd going on here. Rachel would NEVER do such a thing! There
must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and
find out what happened.

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile on her face.

I told you there must be a simple explanation, she didn't receive your E-mail.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."

Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule.

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Dad & Dave now work for the government.

They're financial advisers to the finance minister.


----------



## DanYo

*A small church had a very attractive big busted organist, and her
breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played
the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another
organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about
the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub
them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to
shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green
persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker
up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning
the minister walked up to the pulpit and said…

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"*


----------



## DanYo

I don't know about you, but I would not want to be Iron Man, I would rather be Aluminum Man.

It would be awesome just to go around foiling crimes…


----------



## BigJerryWayne

Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." 
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a man that died and went to heaven
When he was at Gods gates, he asked " How good were you to your wife?" 
The man said "I loved her with my world.. Adored her with Wmy whole life" 
God said "ell I will let you roam Heaven in this beautiful Cadillac." 
The second man came to the gates.
God : "How were you with your wife?" 
Man#2 " Well I Was not happy with her but stuck with it for the kids" 
God: " Ok I will give you this Jetta to ride around Heaven." 
The third man came to Heavens gates.
God " How were you with your wife?" 
Man#3 "I treated that woman with what she deserved..! Cheated on her every chance I got" 
God: "Ok you get this scooter to go around Heaven
God: Sees Guy #1 crying his eyes out
God: " What's wrong, you're in heaven in a Cadillac?" 
Man#1 " I JUST SAW MY WIFE GO BY IN A SKATEBOARD!!!!!


----------



## GaryC

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."


----------



## GaryC

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."


----------



## GaryC

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, 
by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with 
the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her
in the morning…


----------



## GaryC

One Sunday morning in a little old country church in Dalby Springs over in Bowie County, Texas a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that call to the alter ole Leroy got up and shuffled down to get in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Why Brother Mike, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." Brother Mike placed one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, Bro. Mike removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" 
Leroy answered, "Why Bro. Mike, I kain't rightly tell, the hearing ain't 'til Thursday."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Dobermans nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story…

Don't mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! 
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience. 
And the same goes with woodworking. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

WALKING ON WATER

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they 'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy 's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ..and 
nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ..

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can 't I walk across the
lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy 's, troubled blue eyes and said,

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born
in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya 
bloody idiot!"


----------



## darinS




----------



## darinS




----------



## Grumpy

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma


----------



## redSLED

Horse walks into the bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"


----------



## Dusty56

LOL Grumpy…I think I was behind the old girl last week !! We shared the Hawaiian good luck sign more than once !


----------



## Grumpy

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient (Ted).
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" 
"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty." 
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" 
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" 
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."


----------



## Grumpy

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday
night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who,
in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer,

bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be
a great shot…

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're

wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower
down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '
out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more
tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your
holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a
smoother draw'
young man.

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch,
stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink
off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin'
here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the
saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun
with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel
of his gun.
the gun, handle and all.'

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the
young man.
Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun
right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt


----------



## GaryC

During a recent password audit by Microsoft & Google, 
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.


----------



## Grumpy

A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. 
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married…."


----------



## Dusty56

LMAO !! Good one, Grumpy : )


----------



## BigJerryWayne

A guy went up to his father saying:

"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: That's great son. Who is it?

Son: It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter.

Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later …

Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!

Father: That's great son. Who is it?

Son: It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter.

Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"


----------



## GaryC




----------



## jtriggs

Two young brothers were up in their bedroom one morning and they decide they're old enough to cuss. One says, "Well, I'm four, I'll start with a four letter word and say Hell." The other brother says, "Well, I'm three, I'll start with a three letter word and say ass."

They head downstairs for breakfast and mom asks the four year-old what he wants for breakfast. The four year-old looks at her and says, "Well, hell mom, give me Cheerios." She picks him up and whales the tar out of him and sets him back down in his chair balling. She looks at the three year-old and says, "And what do you want." The three year-old says, "Well, you can bet your ass it ain't Cheerios!"


----------



## Dusty56

Three good ones in a row ! Thanks , guys : )


----------



## Grumpy

cover his ass
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Toronto Argo and Maple Leaf season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!" 
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?" 
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DIYaholic

Dan'um,
That made me laugh!!!


----------



## Dusty56

Hahahahaaa….they're both pretty good : )


----------



## BigJerryWayne

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. T hey will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


----------



## BigJerryWayne

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"


----------



## Dusty56

Nice , I like the cabbie joke best because the other one I've heard numerous times : ) Thank you .


----------



## BigJerryWayne

John hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster."


----------



## BigJerryWayne

A store that sells husbands to single women opens where a woman may go to choose from many available men. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

There are only six floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, Jane decides to go to the Husband Store to find herself a mate.

She gets to the first floor and the sign says:

"Floor 1 - These men have jobs."

She figures she can do better, so she goes up the next flight.

"Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids."

Not bad, she decides, but what about companionship? She moves on.

"Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."

Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor, where the sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor #46,012 to this floor today. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step when you exit the building and have a nice day!


----------



## GaryC

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." 
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog

food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." 
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." 
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like poop." 
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper." 
Don't mess with old people.


----------



## GaryC

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful 
day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the 
middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself . This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's 
Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to 
send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the 
Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, 
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took 
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . .

Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin 
first , which is the reason for me call."


----------



## GaryC

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his

cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells

the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the

cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had

swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days

like everyone else does".


----------



## GaryC

A man stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.

He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the holeThe men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy.

I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

The sequester caused Elmer's job's to be cut… so now it's just me an' Leroy.

Sounds about right….


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Road Show'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers,
taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"... Sticks?" Paddy replied.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## BigJerryWayne

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"


----------



## GaryC

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped. 
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave. 
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


----------



## GaryC

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


----------



## Grumpy

Compliments to Karson for this one.

ROMANTIC TEXTING
A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. 
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. 
She texted: 
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. 
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: 
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.


----------



## GaryC

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' 
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' 
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' 
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


----------



## Grumpy

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to ******************** all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'


----------



## BigJerryWayne

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator…"


----------



## GaryC

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 
'It is!' 
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 
'I can!' 
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 
'I do!' 
'Is he a member of your congregation?' 
'He is!' 
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 
'He will.'


----------



## GaryC

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.' 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 
Man: 'What sins?' 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'


----------



## SCOTSMAN

The IRA sent paddy out to blow up a tank as an initiation test paddy came back in terrible pain what happened paddy said the officer I burned my bloody lips on the exhaust cried paddy.Alistair


----------



## Bonka

As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. 
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned …'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little ******************** head.


----------



## GaryC

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


----------



## GaryC

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that." 
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." 
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?" 
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." 
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." 
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." 
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" 
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too


----------



## gfadvm

Gary, You win!


----------



## Dusty56

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, 
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which 
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss 
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ********************?"


----------



## BigJerryWayne

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He says "Yes, just caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the service?" the interviewer asks.
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.",
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off."
The interviewer tells the guy "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don't worry,we'll still pay you from 8am."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me to be here before 10am?"
"'This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.


----------



## GaryC

The Christian Way to Call Someone a "child of nature" A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five quid a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease .As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation…...And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them!!


----------



## GaryC

The fight we had last night was my fault. My wife asked me what was on the TV and I said dust.


----------



## Dusty56

*"...and I said dust." *
LMAO, I think that was one of many reasons that led to my divorce : ) 
That's an oldie but a goodie ,Gary.


----------



## BigJerryWayne

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this…when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!


----------



## BigJerryWayne

When the math professor's wife returns home from work, she finds an envelope on the living room table. She opens it and finds a letter from her husband:

My dearest wife,

We have been married for nearly thirty years, and I still love you as much as on the day I proposed. You must realize, however, that you are now 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I very much hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I'm in a hotel room with an 18-year-old freshman girl from my calculus class. I'll be home before midnight.

Your husband, who will never stop loving you.

When the professor returns from the hotel shortly before midnight, he also finds an envelope in the living room. He opens it and reads:

My beloved husband,

You may recall that you, too, are 54 years old and no longer able to satisfy certain needs I still have. I thus hope that you are not hurt to learn that, while you're reading this, I am in a hotel room with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Your loving wife.

P.S. As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't stay up and wait for me.


----------



## muleskinner

It's my wife's birthday. Being the romantic that I am, I thought I'd write her a poem about the night I fell in love with her. Trouble is I can't find a word to rhyme with 'inebriated'.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC

A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife frying eggs. He walks over to the stove, looks at the eggs frying and says, hope you don't have the fire too hot. Then he says you may need to put a little more salt on the eggs. Then, isn't it time to turn them? Then, probably need a little pepper. Then, more salt. 
The wife is getting mad and says, Henry, I've been frying your eggs for 30 years! Just what do you think you're doing?
Henry says, just wanted you to know how I feel when I'm driving


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## GaryC

An elderly man walked into the reception area of a GP practice that had a number of doctors advertised. The waiting room was full of people.
He approached the desk where a large, very unfriendly-looking lady was in charge. She looked more suitable to be a wrestler than a receptionist, but he took courage.
When he gave his name, this woman said, in a very loud voice, 'OH YES, YOU'VE COME TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, HAVEN'T YOU?'
'NO,' said the man, in an equally loud voice, 'I'VE COME TO DISCUSS A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE PERSON WHO DID YOURS!'
The whole waiting room erupted in applause.

Don't mess with senior citizens, they've been around the block a time or two!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC

Boooo


----------



## DanYo

hisss


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## DanYo

A small church had a very attractive big busted organist, and her
breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played
the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another
organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly about
the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub
them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to
shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green
persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker
up, and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning
the minister walked up to the pulpit and said…

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"


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## Grumpy

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain

Who inspected his sailors, and afterwards told
The first mate that his men smelled bad…

The Captain suggested perhaps it would
Help if the sailors would change underwear
Occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir,
I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors
Berth deck and announced, "The Captain
Thinks you guys smell bad and wants you
To change your underwear."

He continued,
"Pittman, you change with Jones,
McCarthy, you change with Witkowski,
And Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise
"Change",
But don't count on things smelling any better.


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## GaryC

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


----------



## BigJerryWayne

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for many years when he came home one day to confess to
his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to
stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he was
too embarrassed and he vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong,
she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My
God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh…she got fired too.'


----------



## GaryC

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


----------



## BigJerryWayne

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane….and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her … what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


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## GaryC

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 
'I'm 90 years old,' he says. 
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


----------



## GaryC

Wife: 'What are you doing?' 
Husband: Nothing. 
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.' 
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


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## Dusty56

*….pickle slicer*...heheheheheh 
Thank God it wasn't the pickle *smoocher* he was interested in !!


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## DanYo

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."


----------



## Grumpy

Abbott Costello at their best


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## GaryC

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there?"
The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."


----------



## GaryC

What women do to lose calories
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=yEH4Yum4nN4


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dusty56

Quack , Quack , BOOM !!


----------



## tefinn

A wife comes home late at night from her weekly bridge game and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs peeking out instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat leaning in the corner and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Finally the cries of pain subside and the feet stop their pained kicking.

Once she's exhausted and done, she drops the bat and goes downstairs to have a drink. "That will teach the cheating bastard," she says out loud to herself.

As she gets to the bottom step, she sees her husband sitting in the family room, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling, I didn't hear you come in", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us for the weekend, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"


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## Dusty56

Good one, tefinn !! lol


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## GaryC

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. 
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. 
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '


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## Grumpy

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. 
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." 
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." 
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" 
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." 
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." 
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" 
The woman with the Chihuahua said…

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a xxxxxxxxx Chihuahua?!"


----------



## gfadvm

Good one Grumpy!


----------



## GaryC

A woman takes her lover home during the day while her husband is at work. 
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

Just after getting into bed, the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly. She tells her lover to hide in the closet, not realizing that her little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy, replies, "Yes, it is."

Boy : "I have a football."

Man : "That's nice."

Boy : "Want to buy it?"

Man : "No thanks."

Boy : "My dad's outside."

Man : "Okay, how much?"

Boy : "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy : "Dark in here."

Man : "Yes, it is."

Boy : "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "Okay, how much this time?"

Boy : "$750."

Man : "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football. Let's go outside and have a game of football."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my football and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to whom?"

The boy replies, "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."

The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that. That's four times what they cost when they were new. I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again you little brat, you're in my closet now!!!"


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## GaryC

Did you hear about the guy that got tired of his wife talking all the time so, he enrolled her in the support group 
On and on annon


----------



## DrDirt

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. 
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


----------



## DrDirt

A daughter goes to her father and says: dad I don't understand Car Language.
My boyfriend said something I don't really understand.

He said "I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad Said - - "Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet, and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, that I will give him such a service that his motor will seize and his ball joints will fall off."


----------



## DrDirt

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"


----------



## GaryC

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" 
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" 
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" 
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" 
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." 
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


----------



## Dusty56

thanks for the laughter, gentlemen : )


----------



## Grumpy

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN FROM IRELAND A TRUE STORY FROM AN IRISH SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER

I WAS TESTING CHILDREN IN MY DUBLIN SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS TO SEE IF THEY UNDERSTOOD THE CONCEPT OF GETTING TO HEAVEN.

I ASKED THEM, ' IF I SOLD MY HOUSE AND MY CAR, HAD A BIG GARAGE SALE AND GAVE ALL MY MONEY TO THE CHURCH, WOULD THAT GET ME INTO HEAVEN?
' NO! ' THE CHILDREN ANSWERED.

IF I CLEANED THE CHURCH EVERY DAY, MOWED THE GARDEN, AND KEPT EVERYTHING TIDY, WOULD THAT GET ME INTO HEAVEN?'

AGAIN, THE ANSWER WAS ' NO!

IF I GAVE SWEETS TO ALL THE CHILDREN, AND LOVED MY HUSBAND, WOULD THAT GET ME INTO HEAVEN?

AGAIN, THEY ALL ANSWERED ' NO!

I WAS JUST BURSTING WITH PRIDE FOR THEM. I CONTINUED, ' THEN HOW CAN I GET INTO HEAVEN? '

A LITTLE BOY SHOUTED OUT: "YUV GOTTA BE XXXXXXN DEAD"


----------



## Dusty56

"MOWED THE GARDEN" ???* LOL*


----------



## GaryC

A shipwrecked sailor washed up on the shores of a deserted island ….......time went past and he managed to keep body and soul together , until one day after about a year ….....a GORGEOUS young woman , clad in a skin-tight wet suit swam ashore from nowhere.
Goes without saying the man was astonished . The young woman introduced herself , asked for his story and settled down to listen,..after a few minutes , she asked if he'd like a cigarette , opened a zip pocket and pulled out a packet of 20 and a lighter….........soon after , she asked if he'd like a packet of biscuits , opened another zip pocket and produced said packet of bikkies….........later still , she stood up , started unzipping her wetsuit and asked if he'd '' like to play around ''..................at this the man stood back and replied …'' Dont' try to fool me….you haven't got room in that outfit for a set of golf clubs ''...............................


----------



## BigJerryWayne




----------



## GaryC

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford …

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."


----------



## Dusty56

*"Wedding Cake."* LMAO !!

I just saw this on Facebook;


----------



## GaryC

Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.

Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?"

The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?
I replied, "Im not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart.
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work


----------



## Grumpy

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.

Beeeeeppp ….
If you are one of our children, 
dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 
in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, start talking ….. we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

Compliments to Andy for this one!


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


----------



## GaryC

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied… 
'Two years older than me' 
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. 
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


----------



## BigJerryWayne

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, Question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Johnnie" he responds.

"And what is your question, Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Sixth, what happened to Stanley ?"


----------



## Dusty56

*Gary*, loved the WalMart joke ! The rest of them are very funny as well : ) Thanks , guys.


----------



## GaryC

One day an irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon, and offers it to the chemist. Could you taste this for me please. The chemist takes the teaspoon puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. Does that taste sweet to you?, says paddy .No not at all, says the chemist. Oh that's a relief, says paddy. The doctor told me to come here and get my URINE tested for sugar.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


----------



## Grumpy

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'


----------



## GaryC

Crowded elevator 
Smells different to midget.


----------



## DanYo

Willie was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"


----------



## GaryC

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were driving on the highway on their way to go bear hunting. They came to this fork in the road where there was a sign that said, "Bear Left." They turned around and went home.


----------



## Grumpy

An Arab Shiek was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery,
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his
Blood in case the need arises.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally,
So, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.

The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for
Giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & thousands of US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a
Corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy
To donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you
Card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind
Gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous
Again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money,
But you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, But I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".


----------



## GaryC

A woman went into the post office to by stamps for her Christmas card envelopes and told the clerk, "May I have 70 Christmas stamps?" 
The clerk responded, "What denomination?" 
The woman replied, " God help us. Has it come to this? 
Give me 8 Catholic, 12 Episcopalian, 8 Methodist, 9 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptist."


----------



## Grumpy

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States …"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."


----------



## TheDane

*A Well-Planned Retirement*

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant…..The fees for cars ($1.40),for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility.

The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.

The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day-for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars …...and no one even knows his name.

From The London Times.


----------



## Grumpy

Gerry, that's a bit like the guy who was suspected of stealing meat from an abattoir near Sydney.
He would take a wheelbarrow full of meat out on a regular basis. 
The security people would check his receipts each time and all the meat was accounted for.
What they didn't realise, 
he was stealing wheelbarrows. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


----------



## Grumpy

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


----------



## GaryC

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Linda listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: 
"For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite 
flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant


----------



## BigJerryWayne

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"


----------



## GaryC

Oh, the pity of old age.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." 
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" 
He said, "She makes me home-made soup for lunch and my favourite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon." 
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" 
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours" 
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" 
He said, "I can't remember where I live!"


----------



## JoeinGa

Guy walks hurriedly into the bar and yells *"Hey barkeep. Line up 7 shots of your finest whiskey and be quick about it!"*

Bartender lines up 7 shot glasses and pours a perfect shot in each one. Soon as the glasses are set, the stranger downs them all, one after another.

Bartender: "Whoa there fella. What's the big hurry?"

Stranger: "You'd drink them quickly too if you knew what I had!"

Bartender: "Gee, sorry to hear. What do you have?"

Stranger: *"ONE DOLLAR!"*


----------



## GaryC

No wonder I never got any presents - being dyslectric I always sent my Christmas List to Satan


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


----------



## GaryC

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Megan and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion…Dad she's pregnant.
Megan said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Megan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Megan can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home…


----------



## gfadvm

Gary, Another good one! Wish I'd thought of this about 40 years ago!


----------



## GaryC

Andy, I agree completely but, would need to be more than 40 years for me…lol


----------



## GaryC

Good News From the White House Concerning Pensions and Benefits:

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت 
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايهدگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه 
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا
نيست نقش

If I Hear
Anything Else, I'll Let You Know.


----------



## patron

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


----------



## GaryC

A woman was in bed with her husbands best mate Peter - having a great time when the phone rang.
The woman answered the phone with a few yes dears, no dears and ok, then hung up.
Blimey, was that John, asked Peter? Is he coming home?
No, don't worry, he's going to be late, he's playing cards with you!


----------



## Grumpy

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. 
The waiter came and took their drink order.
'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy. 
'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?' 
You're gonna LOVE me for this…. 
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!


----------



## GaryC

It's July 2012 and it's the Olympics in London . You have to use your imagination to get there.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. 
" McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of pipe from a building site and slings it over his shoulder. 
" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."


----------



## Grumpy

Compliments to Andy for this one!

Paddy is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus,
me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again-but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The
preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


----------



## GaryC

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are
flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!'


----------



## GaryC

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. 
> So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing 
> checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, 
> and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give 
> the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. 
> 'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from 
> her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If 
> not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." 
> That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the 
> living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what 
> happens." 
> Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. 
> So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his 
> wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. 
> 
> Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife 
> and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response. 
> So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for 
> supper?" Again there is no response. 
> So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

> "Darn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Dusty56

LOL…the maze is also pretty funny : )


----------



## JGM0658

Well, the one who wrote the sign must be blonde too, since it is Maize, not Maze…....


----------



## Dusty56

Hi Jorge, in this case , maze is correct : ) Maize is actually corn.

"A *maze* is a tour puzzle in the form of a complex branching passage through which the solver must find a route. In everyday speech, both maze and labyrinth …"


----------



## JGM0658

Ah….yeah, he meant the single stalk as the "maze".... Kind of lame IMO… ;-)


----------



## Dusty56

It is lame, but the funny part to me was that someone thought of it and went so far as to make the sign : )


----------



## Bonka

I love it. One has to give credit to the wit that thought it up and placed the sign.


----------



## Grumpy

I can post this one safely because my wife rarely looks at the site. LOL

*Sixteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:*

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls.

14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.

15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

And last, but not least:

16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. 
Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!


----------



## JGM0658

LOL….this is a good one Grumpy. Won't be showing it to my wife either though.


----------



## GaryC

A woman goes into the doctor's all bruised and beaten up pretty badly……
Doctor: "My god…what happened?" 
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.. Every time my husband comes home after a few beers he beats me up." 
Doctor: "Well I have a really good remedy for that.. When your husband comes home drunk, just make a cup of green tea, take a sip and start swirling it in your mouth. Don't drink it, just swirl it around and around for a while".
2 weeks later the woman returns to the doctor looking all healthy and fresh again.
Woman: " Doc, the green tea thing was brilliant …. Every time my husband came home drunk, I sipped and swirled repeatedly with green tea and now he never touches me." 
Doctor: "Excellent…….......so now you can see why keeping your mouth shut is such a good idea!!!"


----------



## DanYo

*One of the reasons al-Qaida is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn't have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid.*


----------



## DrDirt

Dan that is just so wrong!!.... but I still laughed


----------



## DrDirt

THE SQUEEZE
The local bar was so sure that the bartender was the strongest man around; they offered a 1000 dollar standing bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all of the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out got the money.

Many people tried over time, Weightlifters, longshoremen, etc. but none could do it.

One day a scrawny guy came in wearing a polyester suit and coke bottle glasses.
"I'd like to give it a try" he said in a small voice.

After the laughter subsided, the bartender said OK.
He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains to the scrawny little guy.

The crowds' laughter turned to silence as six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd now cheered, the bartender paid the 1000 bucks, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter or what?

To which the fellow quietly replied "I work for the IRS"


----------



## GaryC

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "You should see the back of mine!"


----------



## Grumpy

Don't find many Heroes like this one!!!! 









On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl standing outside the railings of the Murray Baker Bridge, with a State Trooper trying to talk her out of jumping - so they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" 
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that …. and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


----------



## GaryC

GRUMPY YOU ARE THE VICTOR!!!


----------



## DrDirt

Engineering Humor - -


----------



## GaryC




----------



## darinS




----------



## darinS




----------



## GaryC

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 
'How much do you charge?' 
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 
'I'll sleep on it,' I said. 
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!' 
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'


----------



## GaryC

Yesterday I bought a case of ammo, and on the way home I stopped for gas.
A gorgeous blond at the next pump noticed the ammo in the back seat.
She said, "Would you trade ammo for sex?" 
I thought for a few seconds, and said, "What kind of ammo do you have?"


----------



## Sam618

To funny


----------



## Dusty56

I went to visit a friend today to see the work done on her home addition by a "low priced , but excellent" handyman that she had found on…you guessed it, *Craigslist* !!! Enjoy : )




























The really sad part for me was that I had to point out the mistakes to my blonde friend…...don't mind the miters either, the guy is going to fill them in with putty for her : (


----------



## tefinn

What's the problem? All you have to do is turn the pics upside down!


----------



## DIYaholic

The doors were probably manufactured in China, and were never properly oriented (pun intended!) for this hemisphere!!!
That or they were suppossed to be shipped "down under"!!!


----------



## JoeinGa

Maybe he thought they were supposed to look like giant exclamation points!


----------



## Dusty56

LMAO, That must be the reason, Joe : ) 
The knobs are almost chest high. He must have installed them and then installed the doors afterwards.


----------



## Grumpy

At the Aussie wedding reception the D.J. yelled…
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." 
The bartender was almost crushed to death.


----------



## Grumpy

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore….. 
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.


----------



## Grumpy

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" 
"For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"


----------



## Dusty56

3 for 3 , Grumpy ! LOL


----------



## GaryC

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH… SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!


----------



## GaryC

A young married couple's mom stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. 
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. 
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end He can't get enough of me" 
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively."What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress", she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? He never heard the gunshot.


----------



## Dusty56

*He never heard the gunshot*....roflmao : )


----------



## DIYaholic

Gary,

"He never heard the gunshot."

You're still telling jokes….
So apparently….
She missed all the vital organs!!!


----------



## GaryC

Randy,
So, let me try to understand this..
You're saying that my wife is a wrinkled old hag?


----------



## Dusty56

Uh-oh…


----------



## tefinn

HOW TO HANDLE A WIFE

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches 
in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. 
People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their 
long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in 
America,' explained the man.

'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took 
a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. 
We hadn't gone too far when my horse stumbled 
and I almost fell off.

I looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. 
Again I quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time 
I quietly removed my revolver and shot the horse dead.

She SHOUTED at me, 'What's wrong with you, Why did you shoot the 
poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

I looked at her, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment…... we have lived happily every after.'


----------



## DIYaholic

Gary,
I never said she was a hag!!! ;^)


----------



## GaryC

Randy, evidently you don't quite get the hang of telling jokes. It's never about self, it's always about someone else. But then, by your own admission, you are slow.


----------



## Grumpy

Now now boys, keep it nice or you will end up Grumpy like me !.


----------



## GaryC

Grumpy….not to worry. This is just a continuation of zingers from another post. I certainly don't think Randy is slow. Quite the contrary. He has hit me with a couple of zingers that I didn't see coming. I consider him a friend who, like me, likes to joke a lot. Probably looked a little rough on this post. Sorry for the concern.


----------



## DrDirt

The Jamaica reference - - -

There was a newlywed couple - the brides name was Wendy - - 
As a testament to his love - he had "Wendy" tattooed on his member

however when "unaroused" it just said Wy

The couple went to a nude beach and he caught sight of another man with Wy on his member.

he asked - so is your wife also named Wendy.

He said No - - I'm Single - - it says "*W*elcome to Jamaica have a nice da*y*"


----------



## GaryC

BRIAN

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" 
Passenger: "Who?" 
Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time." 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 
Cabbie: "Not Brian .. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." 
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right." 
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian …" 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" 
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
@&^%*%# widow."


----------



## DIYaholic

Yes, All is good!!! ;^)
But Gary is way wrong…
I am very S ~ L ~ O ~ W. . . .


----------



## Grumpy

Good to hear you boys have kissed and made up. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Andy for this one
-
-
Two little boys are going to the hospital
The next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?" 
The second boy says, 
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." 
The first boy says, 
"You've got nothing to worry about. 
I had that done when I was four. 
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, 
They give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. 
It's a breeze." 
The second boy then asks, 
"What are you going in for?" 
The first boy says, "Circumcision." 
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. 
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. 
Couldn't walk for a year."


----------



## GaryC

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.


----------



## Grumpy

A young Chinese couple get married.
She's a virgin & they are both waiters. 
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness. 
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls … Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her…

"You want … Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"


----------



## DanYo

a grumpman

Subject: Fw: Cigars LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of 24 of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (this gets good…)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted the cigars insurable and guaranteed it would insure them against fire. Without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire', so was obligated to pay the claim Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.


----------



## Grumpy

Pensioner's reply re Coles

Didn't like shopping there anyway.
Yesterday I was at my local COLES store buying a large
bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have 
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat 
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. 
I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you ask retired people. 
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.


----------



## WayneC

Oh my…. lol


----------



## GaryC

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Johnny. 
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my
Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps nekkid!" 
Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. Despite her
mounting fears, she asked little Johnny what he meant by that. 
Full of grins and mischief and in the flower of his youth, little Johnny and
trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. 
"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his
shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' 
"'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids!" 
"He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house
he crawled, just like an ************************* on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double
barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. 
"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old blue
heeler cow dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in
Daddy's crack! 
"Miss Crabtree, we've all been a'-cleanin chickens since three o'clock this
mornin."


----------



## DanYo

*HA HA HA*










*HA HA HA HA HA *


----------



## GaryC

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful..
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, undaunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation, I'll have some!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you place your order now, we will be sure to save you this delicacy for tomorrow"
The cowboy placed the order and the next evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor … sometimes the bull wins."


----------



## DIYaholic

Gary,
You ain't right and that last one was soooo wrong!!!


----------



## DanYo

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied quizzingly, "Who told you they were women?"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## SCOTSMAN

The IRA send paddy for a test to see if he's clever enough to be let into join the squad what would you like me to do asks paddy go out said the leader and blow up a British tank.Paddy set off returning and hour later with his head bandaged up what happened said the leader? Paddy replied I burned all my lips on the exhaust pipe.Alistair


----------



## Dusty56

*"Who told you they were women?"* LOL : )


----------



## GaryC

I was in the local bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed
to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and
noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that
I was listening to my iPod.


----------



## gfadvm

Good one Gary!


----------



## Dusty56

ROFLMAO, Gary : )


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

http://assets.********************brix.com/hashed_silo_content/silo_content/13469/resized/dirtymind.jpg


----------



## Dusty56

If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless : )


----------



## GaryC

Man waiting on the bus one morning to go to work. While standing there, he became aware of a strong need to pass wind. However, the bus stop was crowded with women and the bus was almost there. He decided to get on the bus and take his chances. After boarding the bus, he discovered he would have to stand as there were no available seats. He grabbed the overhead bar and stood while the bus made it's way down the street. With every bump and turn the pressure grew. Finally, he could no longer hold it in. Although it was quiet, the smell was atrocious. Trying to be nonchalant, he leaned down to the man sitting below him and asked, "do you have a news paper I could borrow?" The guy looked up at him and said, "no but, I'll grab a hand full of leaves for you next time we pass a tree."


----------



## Dusty56

Oh daaaaamn ! That's nasty , but funny : )


----------



## GaryC

Dusty, your reactions are better than the jokes!


----------



## Dusty56

LOL, I appreciate the effort that you guys have been putting into this post, very much : ) 
They say that laughter is the best medicine, and I could use an overdose real soon.
Keep up the good work , guys : )


----------



## DrDirt

Japanese sex
A Japanese couple were in an argument over ways of highly erotic sex….
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!.

And you sit here reading this crap as if you understand Japanese!
You are really unbelievable!
I always knew that anything on SEX would grab your attention!


----------



## DrDirt

A milkman dying in hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and the nurse.
He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses."
To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza."
"And Charlie, you being my youngest son, I leave you the City Center offices".?
And to his wife, "Darling, you get the three residential towers downtown."

The wide-eyed nurse, obviously impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your husband is very rich! 
And what's great is he is bequeathing all his properties to his family. You are all so lucky!!"

The wife retorts,"Rich?


> Lucky


? 
Are you kidding me!!?? Those are the routes where he delivers milk!!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

A mother and father took their 6- year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are
the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told
his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."


----------



## GaryC

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He found a saleslady, and told her, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B." 
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" 
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know "what she means." 
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra." 
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, "So, what are the differences?" 
The saleslady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright." 
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, "So, what does the Jewish bra do?" 
"The Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills."


----------



## Grumpy

Catholic Hair dryer
-
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hair dryer through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest Beside her:
'Father, may I ask a favour?
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The Customs officer asked:
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The officer thought this answer strange, so asked:
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the officer said:
'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'


----------



## GaryC

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" 
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer…and no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."


----------



## GregInMaryland

Flaming balls of s^it!

I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shortly after he was blessed with his first child. Sit back and enjoy.

So my mate lives on a fairly remote farm. Not served by regular trash pickup, he is quite canny with his rubbish. Once their little crotchfruit came along, however, he and the missus quickly (within three days) tired of terry-towelling nappies, and bought disposables. All was fine for four months. To deal with the disposables, he simply tossed them into a 55-gallon oil drum outside the house.

Well, the inevitable happened and one day, the drum was full. This happily coincided with a hot autumn day, a visit from yours truly, and less happily, after quite a lot of beer had been drunk. What to do, what to do?

Burying? Nope - not biodegradable. Can't take it to the tip, we're all too pissed. No more drums, so can't start another load. I know; let's burn it! It's, after all, a metal oil drum. That'll work great! Ah, but the drum is full - to the very brim - with sh*tty nappies.

So Dumb and Dumber dug out a drill and cut a hole about a foot from the bottom of the drum. We then dribbled, over the course of the next two hours, five (FIVE!) gallons of petrol into the top of the barrel.

Then - and we both thought we were SO very clever - we used some detonation cord, and ran it through the hole in the bottom of the drum to light the petrol from the base of the fire.

Now - picture this in slow motion - the following things happened. The det cord lit. The burning ACME-like spark travelled prettily along the cord. It vanished into the freshly cut hole in the drum. There was a rumbling sound. That was the oh-no-second. We turned around and began to run. Behind us there was a sort of squishBOOM sound as the tragically explosive mixture of petrol and festering, rancid nappies exploded.

So here's what happened next. It turns out that (who knew?) 55-gallon oil drums are stronger than nappies, especially when the top of the drum is missing. When you ignite a tightly packed drum full of nappies from the bottom, you have created a superb nappy cannon. As we found out. After the squishBOOM, there was a louder FLOOOOOOM sound. I looked over my shoulder to see a huge tongue of fire leaping out of the drum, and balls of fire above that.

The balls of fire turned out to be flaming, s^&t filled nappies - which flew about 300 feet into the air and then started raining down on the house, the cars, the tractor, us and everything else. We also found out that stamping on them to put them out isn't nice.

The smell was truly incredible. Some of those nappies had been festering throughout a Australian summer, at the bottom of the nappy cannon. The sound of the molotov s%^ttails thumping down around us, along with the smell of roasting piss, s%^t and rotten nappy will stay with me forever.

The final crowning glory was when his wife came out of the farmhouse, looked around at the still-unfolding carnage, muttered "f$%^$%^g h^ll" and went back inside - not knowing that at least 30 flaming balls of s^&t were setting fire to the roof above her head.

We eventually got the fires put out, with not too much damage to property, but I was banned for a LONG time.


----------



## gfadvm

Greg, Gary and Grumpy will have to go a long way to top that one! ROTFLMAO!


----------



## Dusty56

Holy [email protected]#& , Greg !! That was a pretty sh!!!y story , but funny as hell : )


----------



## GaryC

No fair!! He's stooped to telling true stories…
Dang good one to


----------



## GaryC

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the jerk who ran over my FROG!'


----------



## Dusty56

REVENGE !!! LOL


----------



## Grumpy

Greg, I thought you Americans were good at blowing things up but your Aussie mate seems to have topped the list. LOL


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

LOL Greg! I could see the shotgun blast coming as I read ;-))


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Andy for these two
-
-
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a good
idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It
worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.''

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told me
adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to
church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel
choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.''

''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. 
''I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.''

''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly
priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru
confessional.''

''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the
donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''

''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the
flashing neon sign,

'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell'

cannot stay on the church roof!"


----------



## Grumpy

-
-
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so
she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where 
the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"Any of you men know Jesus Christ?" 
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
Then, one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, 
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" 
One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?" 
The worker yelled back
'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."


----------



## DanYo

ha !


----------



## Dusty56

'Cause his mom's here with his lunch." 
Hilarious !! thank you very much : )


----------



## Grumpy

I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids…
-
-
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices
a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 
'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks,
'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the billiard table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
'No, I'm your son's teacher.'


----------



## redSLED

2013 NOAH'S ARK

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah,
Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." 
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans." 
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build theArk before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" 
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my
back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." 
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in 
a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only union workers with
ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."


----------



## GregInMaryland

Q: What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

A: One requires a tweetment and the other requires an oinkment.


----------



## tefinn

LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK!!!

Today be my baby girl 18th birthday.

I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment!

Month after month, year after year, all dose payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house,

and when she get here, I say, "Baby girl,

I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house

and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,

and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.

I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say,

"Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ...

and watch the 'spression on yo face"!!!

Lawd a Mercy !!!!!!!!


----------



## tefinn

Groan!!! That's terrible Greg!


----------



## patron

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right…get up and get your own blanket.


----------



## patron

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures… and I couldn't stop talking!


----------



## patron

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.


----------



## Dusty56

3 in a row, David ! Nice !! LOL


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Silence in Court 
-
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." 
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that a…hole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."


----------



## GaryC

Young couple gets married and go on their honeymoon. At the hotel there is an Olympic style swimming pool. The husband, wanting to impress his new bride jumps into the pool. He swims to the other end of the pool doing the breast stroke, back doing the butterfly pool, back to the other end underwater and back doing the back stroke. He gets out of the pool, dries off and sits down beside her. Astonished with her new husband, she says that was amazing. I didn't know you could swim so well. He says, well, there's something you don't know about my past. I was once an Olympic swimmer, but I've put that all behind me. 
Moments later, the wife jumps in the pool. She swims to the other end and back with super speed. It's so fast, the husband says he has never seen that speed before in the water. Not even at the Olympics. The wife says, well there's something you don't know about me. I used to be a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the street. But, I've put that all behind me…....


----------



## DanYo

Born in the back woods

Raised by a bear

Double bone Jaw

two coats of hair

Cast Iron balls

A blue steel rod

I'm a damn fine soldier

Cotton belly by god…


----------



## BigJerryWayne

The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.
So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.
He saw a beautiful woman and approached her. He told her about his father's fortune and that he will soon be inheriting it. He asked her if she would like to marry him. She told him she would get back to him in a few days.
Three days later, he received the phone call from her, all excited as she said "I'm going to be your step-mother!"


----------



## GaryC




----------



## gfadvm

Jerry and Gary- Two good ones!


----------



## GaryC




----------



## GaryC




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## GaryC




----------



## gfadvm

Gary, Love the designated dog!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GregInMaryland

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or … I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice
man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"


----------



## GregInMaryland

My girlfriend just left me All she left was a note on the 'fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's"!

I opened the 'fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what she was talking about….........the fridge works fine.

WOMEN, who can understand them?


----------



## GregInMaryland

What do you call an angry pea?
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Grumpy


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## GregInMaryland

A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.
The driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" 
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from…" 
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" 
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"


----------



## Grumpy

An Irish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Irish funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Irish man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Irish funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Irish man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Irish brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."


----------



## GaryC




----------



## GaryC




----------



## DanYo

You don't have to be stupid to go fishing with a hand grenade and drop it right next to the boat, but it sure does help!


----------



## fasb43

An 85 year-old woman walks into a biker bar and sits down next to a couple of Hell's Angels bikers. She orders a drink and strikes up a conversation with them. After a few minutes, she says, "Ya know, I've been thinking about joining a club. Do you think they'd let me in?"

The bikers ask, "Well, do you have the gear, lady?"

She responds, "Sure. You can see that I'm wearing chaps and a leather jacket."

They ask, "Well, do you even have a bike?"

She says, "Sure - it's right out there in the parking lot." The guys look out the window, and sure enough, there's a big Hog parked by the building.

Finally, they ask, "Well, lady, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?

She thinks for a minute, then says, "Well, no, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC

From Roger Clark:
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?" 
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me." 
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!" 
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue." 
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Andy for this one!
.
.
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is
a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who
said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.


----------



## Grumpy

Another good one from Andy
.
.
Weather forecasters in Canada 
. 
Cold Winter Ahead Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation 
in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter
was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had 
never been taught the old secrets. When he looked 
at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going 
to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe 
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that
the members of the village should collect firewood 
to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he 
got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the 
Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter
going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the 
meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to 
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the Weather Network again. 
'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, '
it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network 
again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more 
like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting 
a s….load of firewood'

-


----------



## GaryC

Bees & Golf

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early ?

What's wrong ?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where ?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'


----------



## Grumpy

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk… unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


----------



## Grumpy

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards. 
All I said was, 'Hurry up for #####'s sake …........ Some of us have got homes to go to!'


----------



## DanYo

The doctor said, Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an

important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning,

and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need… A new suit"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, "Let's see… Size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suitit fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see… Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine,

and give you one hell of a headache.'









New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS


----------



## DrDirt

A slave call girl from Sardinia

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (say it aloud a few times) was attending a great,
but as yet unnamed, athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..

In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter
before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males
marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millenniums that has morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
… and I dare you not to think of it every time you hear "Olympics"!


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy and Mick (from Iceland) found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?" 
Paddy, "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
.
A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52!
.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef."


----------



## Dusty56




----------



## patron

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"


----------



## Dusty56

OMG , David !!! LOL


----------



## Grumpy

Hmmmm !!!


----------



## Grumpy

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned
by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded
my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da… '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was
drivin' down da road…. '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin'
her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came
tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was
trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I
was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain
just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He
could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da #### would you say?'


----------



## GaryC

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she got stung by a bee.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro, Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you in so early? What's wrong?
"I was stung by a bee", she replied.
"Where?" he askedl
"Between the first and second hole" she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your feet were too far apart."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.

"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywagger," yells the mean-looking guy.

After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.

"All right, I've got you this time. I warned you-now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywagger!"

The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that."

"Why not?" asks his captor.

"Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywaggers."

"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?" growls the angry man, "How in the hell do you pee?"

"Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

Ammo is getting scarce!

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat of my truck and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading s#x for ammo?"

I pondered her question for a moment before I asked her … "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"


----------



## Grumpy

Gary decided to go skiing with his buddy, Logan.
So they loaded up Logan's minivan
and headed north.

After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady
who answered the door
if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there
and I have this huge house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed,'
she explained.
'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk
if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Gary said.
'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed,
and the two men found their way to the barn
and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later,
Gary got an unexpected letter
from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney
of that attractive widow
he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Logan and asked,
'Logan, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm
we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Logan.

'Did you, er, happen to get up
in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Logan said,
a little embarrassed about being found out,
'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name
instead of telling her your name?'

Logan's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did.'
'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


----------



## GaryC

HEY GARY !!!! Smart guy


----------



## GaryC

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later….. a letter from "home"
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad


----------



## GaryC

A farmer was helping one of his cows to give birth when he noticed his young son watching wide-eyed from behind the fence. "Oh dear," thought the farmer, "I'm going to have to explain the birds and bees to him."

So when he had finished, he asked the boy: "Well, have you got any questions about what you've just seen?"

"Just one," gasped the boy. "How fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?"


----------



## TheDane

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. 
Female: Any part under a car's hood. 
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. 
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. 
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. 
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. 
Female: An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. 
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. 
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. 
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


----------



## tefinn

Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a car load of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your t#ts out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. 
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".. 
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your B##ls off"! 
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"


----------



## gfadvm

Tom, Good one!


----------



## Grumpy

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at you." 
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, stupid, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."


----------



## Grumpy

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs, and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."


----------



## patron




----------



## DanYo

-- Subject: A salesman

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo
man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car
and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown
bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle
of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good
trade."


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for marriage counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced
and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised
eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."


----------



## Dusty56




----------



## Dusty56




----------



## GaryC




----------



## BigJerryWayne

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

She responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."


----------



## Grumpy

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. 
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. 
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is 
boss, he beats it to death with a spade. 
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by 
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. 
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is 
attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. 
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? 
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat 
anything…

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. 
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South 
American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and 
smashes the bees to a pulp. 
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. 
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another 
lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with 
Mushy Bees


----------



## Grumpy

*It Was a Dark and Stormy Night*
.









Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe . . .. As it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
.









Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.








A minute passes. A small, hunch-backed man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" 









"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"

.Bob brings his wife in.









An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." 
.
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
.
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
.
.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
.
.
*"Master, Master! . . . The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" *

(I am soooooo sorry…..but you really should've seen that one coming!!)


----------



## GaryC




----------



## GaryC




----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy

St. Peter was sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrived. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone." 
"The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God. "No, The Pearly Gates" replied St. Peter.


----------



## Grumpy

.
*YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE*

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs .
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily-- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Landrover you booked for speeding last week." 
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?


----------



## Bonka

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Beth replied,

"Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said,

"I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Beth said,

"The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said,

"I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Beth asked,
"And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," says Chuck. And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Beth said.

"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"


----------



## Dusty56

....73 more votes?" ROFLMAO : )


----------



## patron

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. 
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. 
Then said, "We have reached your destination". 
The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". 
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. 
The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". 
The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC




----------



## GaryC




----------



## JJohnston

Why do the Tea Party's killer robots look like Rosie from the Jetsons?


----------



## gfadvm

Gary, I need that "BUI" installed on my puter!


----------



## GaryC

Andy, it's $49.95, confederate


----------



## gfadvm

Gary, Sign me up. The check is in the mail.


----------



## patron

i cud do dat fer ya andy

here 
holt ma beer

an watch dis ….


----------



## tefinn

Uh oh! Nothing good ever starts with the words " holt ma beer an watch dis".


----------



## gfadvm

David, Been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Andy for this one
.
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT 2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP 4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER ….... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In another office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).


----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)

funny stuff on here , thanks for the laughs lolyou guys


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Dusty56

When you arrive at my front door, please knock softly but firmly. 
I like soft , firm, knockers : )


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. 
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

' ME . '


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop…









As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.









One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked:








"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well… Only two left."


----------



## DanYo

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks, "What happened?" and the man explains, "Well, doctor, it's like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"


----------



## GaryC




----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)

Dan that was funny LOL


----------



## GaryC




----------



## gfadvm

Gary, This would be a lot funnier if it weren't true!


----------



## GaryC

I agree, Andy


----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)

it a lot of truth in it i mean they tried to run a whore house and went in the hole ,


----------



## GaryC

Check this out

www.myshreddies.com


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Shreddies…doesn't appear to be a joke site, but just wow! lmao


----------



## GaryC

Not a joke but…..... it's funny….FUNNY


----------



## TheDane

The fart-filtering underwear is the real deal …
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/24/fart-filtering-underwear_n_4156400.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

SWMBO is threatening to buy some for me next Christmas!


----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there…", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…...

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"


----------



## DanYo

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. 
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?' 
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'










'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?' 
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'


----------



## DanYo

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." 









With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.









Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."










*"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." *


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Danny Boy


----------



## Dusty56

OMG , Dan ! LMAO : ) Thank you


----------



## GaryC

Kidney Problems? Urine trouble!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron




----------



## DanYo

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" 
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine." 
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." 
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." 
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." 
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really." 
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." 
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye." 
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ********************!" 
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."


----------



## DanYo

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her…








He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.








She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.








Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.








Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.








Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!









He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face…








As she swam off she said…"I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!


----------



## Grumpy

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START.'


----------



## gfadvm

I usually resemble Costello when it comes to computers!


----------



## Dusty56

I can't believe I read the whole thing ! LOL


----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)

Dusty56 i thought that same thing LOL


----------



## oldnovice

*These guys were good!* Humor without any four letter expletives!


----------



## bbrewer

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral

director to play at a graveside service for a homeless

man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery

in the Eastern Oregon back country. As I was not familiar with the

backwoods, I got lost

and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone

and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers

and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized

to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was

already in place. I didn't know what else

to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with

no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this poor, homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,

I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I

packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though

my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I

ain't never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in

septic tanks for twenty years."


----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy

Kevin had shingles.

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had….
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck.

Where do you want me to unload 'em??'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron




----------



## DanYo




----------



## oldnovice

*This is my story and I am sticking to it!*
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## DanYo

*Ever felt like this?

User: My usual password is suddenly not working. Why?

Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.

User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?

Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website: No, you must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.

User: ok, roses

Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

User: pretty roses

Website: you must use at least one number.

User: 1 pretty rose

Website: you cannot use blank spaces.

User: 1prettyrose

Website: you must use additional letters.

User: 1f-ckingprettyrose

Website: you must use at least one capital letter.

User: 1F-CKINGprettyrose

Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: 1F-ckingprettyrose

Website: you must use additional letters.

User: 1F-ckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessright********************ingnow

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.*


----------



## kdc68

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC

Grumpy, that looks like some of my woodworking planning….


----------



## gfadvm

David wins today!


----------



## Grumpy

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair 
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place 
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep 
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed 
and told his lover to take his shoes 
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He then put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. 
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! 
You've been playing golf again!'


----------



## Grumpy

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautifuldaughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time 
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant 
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery 
to see his new son.

He was horrified to see the ugliest child 
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can 
be the father of this baby. 
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! 
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 
'Not this time!'


----------



## Grumpy

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, 
about to be cremated, 
and made a startling discovery. 
Schwartz had the largest private part 
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician 
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, 
stuffed it into his briefcase, 
and took it home.

'I have something here 
you won't believe,' he said to his wife, 
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 
'Schwartz is dead!'


----------



## Grumpy

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover 
when she heard her husband 
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, 
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' 
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired 
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it 
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, 
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, 
went to the kitchen and returned 
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. 
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


----------



## Grumpy

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, 
went to the counter and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one penny.'

'One penny?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 
'How much for a nice juicy steak 
and a bottle of wine?'

'A pound,' the barman replied.

'A pound?' exclaimed the man. 
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 
'The same thing I'm doing 
to his business down here.'


----------



## Grumpy

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 
'I want to die in peace. 
I slept with your sister, your best friend, 
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


----------



## Grumpy

Plumbing Aussie style
https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=1415985578619966


----------



## GaryC

Grumpy, that was great


----------



## Dusty56

CHEERS !!! Thanks Grumpy : )


----------



## tefinn

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

I'm LMAO!


----------



## kdc68

Great jokes Grumpy…thanks for sharing


----------



## DanYo

*Apple Computer announced today that it has developed

a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity

music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00

depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because

women have always complained about men staring

at their tits and not listening to them.*


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## kdc68




----------



## DanYo

Little Sally came home from the beach with a smile on her face and told her mother, 









"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!" 









Before her mother could raise a concern,

Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut.." 









Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,

"Really small, was it?" 









Sally replied, "No… Salty."


----------



## GaryC




----------



## GregInMaryland

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again…... Back and forth…
Back and forth….. In and out…....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding….. Her face was flushed…..
Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug Bast**d!!!"


----------



## Grumpy

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a Grade 4 studentj
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,' but before she could say 'F**k,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.


----------



## Grumpy

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. 
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. 
It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all 
Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. 
However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.. 
So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel
over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, 
relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel 
over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not 
climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and 
let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel..
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting 
climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. 
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, 
"And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a towel"


----------



## GaryC




----------



## DrDirt

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 
'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabaman said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Virginia (except for Northern Virginia), parts of West Virginia, Georgia, Missouri , and all of Washington DC ..


----------



## Dusty56

LMAO : )


----------



## DrDirt

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they
were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular
evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze
was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty
soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as
long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told
her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for
him.

He said, "take the dog for a walk."


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline,
and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
If you aren't laughing… You aren't living!


----------



## DKV

Joke of the decade…


----------



## DrDirt

Three mischievous elderly Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home 
when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!'

One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts
and we can tell your exact age.' 
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up 
and down several times facing them.

Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.

Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed…..

'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'


----------



## DrDirt

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
Then backwards, forward, then backwards again…...
Back and forth…
Back and forth…..
In and out…....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding….. Her face was flushed…..
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



"Okay, Okay!!! I can't park the car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!"*


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC




----------



## gfadvm

Gary, I think that's photoshopped. If not he's gotta weigh 300 pounds! Looks like the perfect home invasion deterrant to me!


----------



## Dusty56

Imagine having to clean up after it !!!


----------



## gfadvm

I'd clean up after him and feed him just to see the look on a burglers face when they broke into his house! I'd buy a ticket to that!


----------



## GaryC

Andy, I wondered about that but, look at her hands on the giant. I guess it still could be. That sucker would eat a bag of food a day.


----------



## JJohnston

Q: What did the mohel say before the circumcision?

A: "It won't be long now!"


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it .

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible
A Silver Dollar
A bottle of Jack Daniels
And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'

'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC

*Got a good picture of you, Grumpy*


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

Gary, that's a very good likeness. You must have been peeking at my family album. LOL


----------



## GaryC

Grumpy, yes. And it's online, no less…..


----------



## Grumpy

Help, my secret is out.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

How about this for a prank! The Aussies know how to have fun.


----------



## Grumpy

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me- a faithful wife, the Mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out, and defenseless, that I took pity on her, and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear, because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear, because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear, just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear, because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help, that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?


----------



## GaryC

A fart is a pleasant thing…
It gives the belly ease…
It warms the bed in winter…
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet…
A fart can be loud…
Some leave a powerful…
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short…
Or a fart can be long…
Some farts have been known…
To sound like a song…..

A fart can create…
A most curious medley…
A fart can be harmless…
Or silent…and deadly.

A fart might not smell…
While others are vile…
A fart may pass quickly…
Or linger a while…

A fart can occur…
In a number of places…
And leave everyone there…
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairies…
To small elevators…
A fart will find all of…
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad…
Is simply not true…
We must never forget…
Sweet old farts like you!


----------



## Grumpy

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed and, as the wife walked through one of the stores, she was surprised to look around and find her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace we couldn't afford and I told you I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."


----------



## Grumpy

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. 
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a 
while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. 
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked 
up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of 
a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. 
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just 
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. 
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they 
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would you like a 
drink?' 
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on 
that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders 
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. 
SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we 
should be able to get rid of those fears…'
'How much do you charge?' 
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 
'I'll sleep on it,' I said. 
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! 
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car!' 
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!' 
FORGET THE SHRINKS.. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER! 
May your troubles be less, Your blessings be more, And nothing but happiness come through your door!


----------



## DanYo

*VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO SEND THIS ON. . .*


----------



## Grumpy

From the Butcher.. 
.
.
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." 
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." 
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"


----------



## patron

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage… and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."


----------



## Grumpy

Good one David


----------



## Grumpy

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. 
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. 
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. 
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto: 
'To Fly. To Serve'? 
The woman looks at him blankly so he sits back and thinks up another line. 
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. 
'Winning the hearts of the world'? 
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. 
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto.
'Going beyond expectations'? 
The woman looks at him sternly and says; 
'What the f*** do you want?' 
'Aha!' he says, "Qantas!!"


----------



## Grumpy

A woman went through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. 
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.*

*After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look 
at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This 
must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live 
together in peace for the rest of our days."*

*The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from 
God! *

*The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car 
is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God 
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she 
hands the bottle to the man.*

*The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle 
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, 
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.*

*The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"*

*She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."*

*Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn!*


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Diapers . . .

There is a reason why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies",
while undergarments for old people are called "Depends."

When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna luv 'em and hug 'em.

When old people poop in their pants, it depends on who's in the will.


----------



## Grumpy

So true TopamaxSurvivor, so true.


----------



## Grumpy

A farmer is sitting in his local bar getting drunk when the barman wanders over and says: "Grateful as I am for the business, it's a beautiful day out there, why aren't you out there enjoying it?" 
The farmer shakes his head: "Some things you just can't explain." 
"Want to talk about it?" asks the barman, sensing a problem. 
"Sure," replies the farmer. "Earlier I was sat milking my cow and just as I got the bucket full she lifted her leg and kicked the whole lot over." 
"That's not so bad," says the barman. 
"That's what I thought," replies the farmer. "After all, some things you just can't explain." 
"So what happened then?" asks the barman. 
"Well, I took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer. "But just a few minutes later her right leg kicked the bucket over again!" 
"Some things you just can't explain, eh?" laughs the barman. 
"Right," says the farmer. "So I tied that leg to another post, started milking again and then her tail knocks the bucket over!" 
"So what did you do?" asks the barman. 
"Well, I'd run out of rope by then," says the farmer. "So I took my belt off and tied her tail to the rafter. Then my pants fell down and the wife walked in….and well, like I said, some things you just can't explain."


----------



## Grumpy

> Chicken Surprise 
>
>
> A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken
> Surprise"... the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
>
> Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
> slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
> the lid slams back down.
>
> "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she 
> asks
> him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he
> sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather 
> perturbed,
> he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an
> explanation.
>
> "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" 
>
> The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise".
>
> (You're going to love this, and you're going to hate yourself for loving
> it!...)
>
>
>
> "Ah! So sorry, "says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck ."


----------



## Grumpy

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'the insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK ?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'this is the one - - right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred ?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for ?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder - - - 
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'


----------



## tefinn

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful Christmas tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.


----------



## Dusty56

LOL ! Merry Christmas , Gentlemen …thanks for all of the laughter you've brought to me with this post : )

I was dining at my local restaurant this morning when an elderly female patron took a seat opposite me . 
She was wearing a bright , Christmas red T-shirt that simply stated :
*3 wise men ?
get serious !*


----------



## Grumpy

.
.
.
Merry Christmas to all Lumberjocks & their families. Lets hope for a happy and safe festive season.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few
days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the
house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in
the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the
truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse
.
.Thanks Andy

'Oh,' Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the
other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,'Grandpa, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants
to talk to you.


----------



## patron




----------



## DIYaholic

David,
Why did you put the tub where the toilet was supposed to go???


----------



## patron

i got tired o paying for the expensive soft 'charmin'

now i can buy the cheaper recycled paper


----------



## Grumpy

All you need is long arms. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

Irish Mirror
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. 
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.' 
You have to love the Irish


----------



## patron

Two guys are walking through a cemetery.
"Hey, did you see what was written on that grave stone?" 
"No, what?" 
"Here lies a lawyer and a good man." 
"OMG." 
"Yeah, they must have buried two guys in the same grave."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GaryC




----------



## DanYo

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

http://s1276.photobucket.com/user/staffpicks/media/Animated_GIFs/canadian-police-chase_original.gif.html


----------



## TheDane

Leena and Olie got into Olie's pickup truck and were headed into town to buy groceries.

After they had driven a few miles, Olie says" "Say, Leena … have you been losing weight?"

Lena replied: "Why, yes, Olie. How sweet of you. When did you notice?"

Olie said: "Oh, I don't know … it just seems like the steering wheel isn't pulling as hard toward the ditch as it used to."

And then the fight started …


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy 
He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. 
He calls down to Murphy and says
"I tink I will ave to go home, 
I've come all over giddy and feel sick." 
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" 
Paddy replies 
.
.
"No I only live round the corner."


----------



## Grumpy

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. 
.
.
.
.
It's probably Spam.


----------



## oldnovice

Grumpy, I think you should can that joke!

*Here are somethings I did not know about Spam!*


Which state / territory in the US eats the most SPAM? = Hawaii and the territories of Guam and the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands (CNMI) with the avg. person of Guam eating 16 tins of SPAM a year & the average Hawaiian eating 12 cans. It's also called "the Hawaiian Steak."


If all the cans of SPAM™… ever eaten were placed end to end, they would circle the globe ten times.


----------



## Grumpy

.
.
.
That's a tinny one oldnovice. LOL


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron




----------



## 111

No beans for breakfast!


----------



## Grumpy

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 
Paddy said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' 
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 
The Paddy left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 
The Paddy replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


----------



## DanYo

http://********************happenshere.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/jack-daniels-resizecrop--.jpg


----------



## DanYo

http://********************happenshere.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Whats-the-matter-Joe-resizecrop--.jpg


----------



## DanYo

http://********************happenshere.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/How-to-install-a-home-security-resizecrop--.jpg


----------



## Dusty56

Couple of good ones, Dan : )


----------



## Grumpy

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 
Man: 'What sins?' 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'


----------



## Grumpy

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young lady for the night. 
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 
'I'm 90 years old,' he says. 
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise that you've had it?' 
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


----------



## GaryC

Elderly woman went to the doc and after the exam he came back into the room and said…Mrs Smith, you don't have any real health problems. She said, then what is it doctor? He said….you're pregnant. She was quite stunned because of her advanced age. After a couple of minutes, she asked the doc if she could use his phone. Doc says sure and hands her his phone. She calls home. Her husband answers and she says, you sorry old coot. You got me pregnant. After a few moments of silence, the husband says…..who is this?


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Dusty56

You're next ! LMAO : )


----------



## gfadvm

Dan'um, That's pretty much how we do security at my place.


----------



## Grumpy

CROW KILLS 
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah!!", not a single one could shout "Truck!!"


----------



## Dusty56

That's too funny, Grumpy !!


----------



## TimRH

I can't top any of those


----------



## Grumpy

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet . 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. 
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '


----------



## GaryC

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop in Calgary to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson s birthday. She doesn't know which one to choose so she takes one
over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir, Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco
404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's
on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it
was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."


----------



## GaryC

Granny got around pretty well for 97. She had suffered a stroke a few years back and still used a small note pad and pencil because speech was difficult. She was put in a big lawn chair so she could enjoy her birthday party and the weather.

She started leaning to the right so they straightened her up and placed a pillow on her right side.

Soon they noticed she was leaning to the left so a pillow was used to keep her upright.

When she started leaning forward they tied a pillow case around her.

A short time later a grand son arrived and asked how she was doing.

She took her note pad and pencil and wrote a few words and handed to him.

It read, "They won't let me fart."


----------



## GaryC

Obama, former President George W. Bush, a sweet little old lady and a beautiful blonde with large breasts are on a train The train goes into a dark tunnel and …a few seconds later There is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks. The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the Blonde in the dark, and she slapped him. The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him. Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. George Bush thinks: I cant wait for another tunnel so I can slap the ******************** out of Obama again!


----------



## GaryC

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs a long breaking putt to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the putt.

As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks along side him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


----------



## GaryC

Balls
INTERESTING OBSERVATION 
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And…

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING COINCIDENCE
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.


----------



## tefinn

Duck Call and Bear Repellent, I have tears rolling down my cheeks! LOL


----------



## gfadvm

Gary, You outdid yourself this time. "Duck call and bear repellant" was my favorite. Keep em coming!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## lightcs1776

Gary's on a roll today! Fantastic!


----------



## Grumpy

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?' 
Husband: Nothing. 
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------------------------

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?' 
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' 
Wife: 'Yes or no.'


----------



## Grumpy

One day a man goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and 
takes out a small bottle of whisky and a teaspoon. 
He pours some onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. 
"Could you taste this for me, please?" 
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid 
around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says the man. 
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says the man. 
"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."


----------



## Grumpy

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York .. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom " said the boy, "what are all these women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replies.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez, lady, why don't you tell him the truth ? They're hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers." she said.


----------



## 111

Two monks from different monasteries were old friends who shared a great fondness for cigars. Once each year when they had a chance to visit, they would pray together and, of course, light up.
Eventually, however, they became concerned that there might be some sin in their habit and they each resolved to ask their respective superiors for guidance.
When they met again, one was puffing away.
"But the head of my monastery told me it was a sin," protested the other.
"What did you ask him?" said the first.
"I asked him if it was all right to smoke during evening prayer and he said, 'No.'" 
"Well," said his friend as he blew a perfect smoke ring into the air, "I asked my superior if it was alright to pray during our evening smoke and he said it was just fine!"


----------



## GaryC




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pock et .'

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


----------



## Grumpy

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' 
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' 
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet .'


----------



## Grumpy

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' 
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' 
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


----------



## Grumpy

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


----------



## patron

home depot on all the pages

but i clik advertising 
under the pulse
and 'women's home forum' shows up
that is all

maybe its an election year
and HD is running for some office


----------



## patron

huh i was commenting on another post

somehow it landed here
site is real cuckoo this weekend

must be time for some more prune juice


----------



## Grumpy

Patron, try a glass of whiskey, then you won't care. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she is pregnant. Very worried, the 
mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,

'Who wasa the pig that doa this to you? I wanna to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani 
suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem'.

'I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, 
a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly 
on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him:

"Youa gonna try again!"


----------



## Grumpy

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (72), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ********************!"


----------



## GaryC




----------



## BJODay

Should of pressed "2"

BJ


----------



## lightcs1776

Gary, I thought it was hilarious. My wife just says "oh my."


----------



## 111

My wife said; Sounds like something I would do…..


----------



## GaryC




----------



## GaryC

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want… a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,
' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.


----------



## GaryC

Hi, Mom, it's me….."
"Hi, Sally, are you okay?" 
"I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store looking for a drill…." 
"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you…." 
"Oh, my God! What happened?" 
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face." 
"What on earth….Why did you do that…?" 
"Well, it really wasn't my fault." 
"Dad told me to find a Black And Decker….

Mom, I knocked the s#it out of her…


----------



## GaryC

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, 
saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied … "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology ? all we did was correct his eyesight."


----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy

Wife: 'What are you doing?' 
Husband: Nothing. 
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------------------------

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?' 
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' 
Wife: 'Yes or no.' 
------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' 
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' 
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet .' 
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' 
Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' 
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

The Ventriloquist 
.
.
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ******************** on your lap.


----------



## DanYo

Thanks Odie !
http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


----------



## GaryC

ODIE….. now there's an old memory….


----------



## GaryC

Garage Door..


The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..


----------



## Grumpy

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out - fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc .etc., but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him. "

The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.

"No" said Billy,
"He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say"


----------



## Grumpy

Brian had been in Police work for 25 years. 
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. 
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…' 
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.' 
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,' 
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?' 
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.


----------



## bladedust

A letter from a local Walmart store to a sweet old lady:

Dear Mrs. Woolf, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras": 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips. 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.


----------



## gfadvm

Good one Bladedust!


----------



## oldnovice

I love that one too! I want to meet this guy … he sounds like my kind of guy.


----------



## tefinn

Based on the people I see in Walmart, they must send out thousands of those letters.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

Mating Call

Two native Americans and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the natives ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! 
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining native what it was all about,. 
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The native replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. 
The second native ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' 
Immediately, there was the answer. 
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. 
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. 
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. 
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read…............

You'll like this 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## madts

Very good Dan'um


----------



## GaryC

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"


----------



## lightcs1776

Gary, Randy has got to read that one.


----------



## patron




----------



## patron

the job market is opening again
many with early retirement plans


----------



## lightcs1776

I guess that job could be a real pain in the rear end????


----------



## GaryC




----------



## gfadvm

David, That looks like something the cops in my town would do!


----------



## gfadvm

Gary, I think she is one of my clients (at least she acts like they do!)


----------



## GaryC




----------



## oldnovice

How about the street interview about *sex and smoking*? The interviewer stops people in the street, hence the term street interview, and asks them a question "Do you smoke after sex?" The first person he stops is a blonde and he asks her " Do you smoke after sex?" and she replies "I don't know, I never looked!"


----------



## Grumpy

A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.









"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."


----------



## oldnovice

Keith is now having a bird for lunch!


----------



## oldnovice

I went for a check up at my doctors office the other day and he said that he would like some blood drawn for some test and that he would send in the phlebotomist to do that in a few minutes.
When she came in with all of her paraphernalia I asked her if all her work was in vein!


----------



## Grumpy

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife … A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." 
She asked, "What the hell does that mean?" 
He said," Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot." 
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely … but what about> I, J, K?
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" 
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is cautiously optimistic about saving his testicles


----------



## madts

Grumpy. I am surprised that you still have your testies.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 
"Eight," the boy replied. 
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?" 
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy

Wasn't you was it Patron. LOL


----------



## patron

if i tried that around here grumpy
i'd get run over by a freight truck
before i got arrested lol


----------



## patron

.


----------



## oldnovice

*Patron*, you are aware this is a joke forum and what you posted is no joke, it is the truth.

I lived in Northern Illinois, Very Northern Wisconsin, Southern Minnesota, and visited in Iowa many, many times and the only time we did not go to work is snow fell on a holiday. 
I drove through Austin Texas, after Christmas one year, when there was a very light snow falling and you would have thought the sky was falling! I know they are not used to snow and most don't even know about snow tires but it was the worst 4 hours of our trip home to Illinois.

*Now you got me doing it Patron!*


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

----------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

---------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

-----------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

-----------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

----------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

----------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

----------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

-----------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

-----------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

-----------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

----------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

---------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

--------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


----------



## Grumpy

Patron you are a game guy, whoops I mean man. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

There was a bit of confusion at the supermarket this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my local member about security gone mad,
I did just as she had instructed. 
When the hysterical shrieking had finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 
It's not my fault, they need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer


----------



## patron

why thanks* grumpy*

what i like about LJ's
someone is always willing 
to tell me it is time 
for my shower
(actually since it is such a short month
i was hoping to let it slide this time)

you guys are just to sharp for me


----------



## Grumpy

It's OK mate it's Saturday where you are. LOL


----------



## patron

one of my daughters 'friends' on FB
(a hollywood movie star)
giddle go-go partridge
posted this picture









i was very impressed
and left her a comment

'wow giddle, swimming with one of those donut seat cushions, i never thought of that. course i can barely get mine over my head.'


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

donut ? U mean doughnut?


----------



## patron

ah you smart guys
i can't wait to go to school again
when the british reform school classes start here
and get me some real larnin


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Don't worry David. You won't have to learn to live under the Queen. A friend once told me what the three stripes on a sergeant chevron stand for. 1st stripe is the Revolutionary War. 2nd is the War of 1812. So, the chevron's 3 stripes stand for "We beat you once, we beat you twice and by God we can do it again!" ;-))


----------



## patron

well topa

i wasn't really thinking 
of sleeping under her bed

at my age even morning tea
on those comfy pillows 
sounds pretty good
(i can always sneak some good coffee
while she is in the loo)


----------



## TheDane

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real Jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?


----------



## DanYo

Whether you own a dog or not, you must 
appreciate the efforts of this
owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture 
and then read the sales pitch below.








Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent 
guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro 
anymore, as there are no more drug
pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters 
left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most 
of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name,
Ho Lee Schitt.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.









.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
..

And this one is just because some else might enjoy it too.


----------



## Grumpy

"We fired our guns and the British kept a cummin,
We fired once more and they began to run,
They ran so fast the hounds couldn't catch em,
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico"

I don't think they would try it again. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day… and then 2 days … and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said…. 









"OK, I give up. Where's the ####### ship?"


----------



## Grumpy

Copper Wire & Communication 
.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came t
o the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
...
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times said: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
.
One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times reported the following: 
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. 
Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless." 
.
Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian


----------



## Grumpy

TWENTY DOLLARS

.
.
.
.
On their wedding night,
The young bride
Approached her new husband
And asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
.
This scenario was repeated
Each time they made Love,
For more than 40 years,
With him thinking that it was a Cute way
For her to afford new clothes
And other incidentals that She needed. 
.
Arriving home around noon one day,
She was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes,
He explained that
His employer was going through a process
Of corporate Downsizing,
And he had been let go.
.
.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
He'd be able to find Another position
That paid anywhere near what He'd been earning,
And therefore, they were financially ruined.
.
.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book
Which Showed more than forty years
Of steady deposits and interest totaling 
Nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
.
.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, 
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the Results
Of her savings and investments.

.
.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, 
.
.
Her husband was so astounded
He could Barely speak,
But finally he found his voice and blurted out, 
.
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
.
.
.
That's when she shot him.


----------



## gamygeezer

The numbers don't add up. $20/month x 12months/year x 40years = $9600. No way that could grow to three million.

Ken


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Maybe she invested with Bernie Madoff and got out in time?


----------



## bladedust

gamygeezer, I incerely hope your love life is more often than just once a month over 40 years.


----------



## Grumpy

One thing about her Gamygeezer. There must have been a great deal of 'interest'. LOL


----------



## patron

at that rate

69.4×30 days = $2,082
30 days times 12 months = $24,984 a year
$24,984 a year x 40 years = $999,360
$1,000,000 - $999,360 = $640 in interest

she probably shot him
so she could get some rest

69 times a day
is allot
even for me


----------



## oldnovice

Seriously, some people just can't take a joke without analyzing it to death … in the words of Foghorn Leghorn


----------



## DanYo




----------



## madts

Dan'um you are in trouble now.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Hmm…my little Harley didn't top out until 110+. Guess the joke's on me.


----------



## woodsmithshop

maybe he was not her only "customer"!!!


----------



## oldnovice

I think *Smitty* has come up with the correct answer ….!


----------



## Grumpy

For those who do not listen to Radio 4, this is 
English humour at its best.
.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago 
arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!" 
. 
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a 
brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"


----------



## DanYo

.
.
.
..
.
.
.


----------



## woodsmithshop

>> All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who 
>> was the one in charge.

>> "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's
>> systems, so without me nothing would happen." 
>>
>> "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all
>> over so without me you'd all waste away." 
>>
>> "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and 
>> give all of you energy." 
>>
>> "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body 
>> wherever it needs to go." 
>>
>> "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see
>> where it goes." 
>>
>> "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for 
>> waste removal." 
>>
>> All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
>> huff, he shut down tight.
>> Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
>> bloated, the legs got wobbly,
>> the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the
>> rectum should be the boss
>> ..
>> The Moral of the story?
>> Even though the others do all the work , the ass hole is usually in
>> charge!!!
>>
>
>


----------



## oldnovice

*Smitty*, that's is so funny and, so true!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Pdub

AND GOD CREATED MARYLAND

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, 
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black 
people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Maryland, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and 
plains. The people from Maryland are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. 
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "Right next to Maryland is Washington, D. C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."


----------



## Grumpy

Hmmmmm!, similar to what goes on down under. That must balance things between top and bottom. LOL


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Bonka

A man received the following message from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have

been tapping your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, more

than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer

live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my

promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,

and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few minutes later a second text came in:

Damn auto-correct… I meant "wifi", not "wife"


----------



## woodsmithshop

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in a parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered the confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He also had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and given the clap to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral : Don't Be Late


----------



## Grumpy

Compliments to Steve for this one
.
.
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, 
it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: I'll accept your math.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: I suppose.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account 
and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?


----------



## Grumpy

Tom decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't "


----------



## Grumpy

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks. 
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"


----------



## TheDane

A Catholic elementary school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers … and then there are educators!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

A wife & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The wife jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this", and goes downstairs.

The wife finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The wife says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!


----------



## Dusty56

She wasn't a blond , was she ?


----------



## Grumpy

*Something to think about*
.
Whatever
hits the fan will
not be distributed evenly. 
.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Karson for this one!
.
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD. 
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the 
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she 
made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy camping stool, she started to make a 
circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, 
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" 
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of 
cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole. 
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of 
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her 
hole. 
The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" 
She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"


----------



## woodsmithshop

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind." So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?" Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes….....


----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy

*The farmer and his new bull*
.









I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ….......... but they kind of taste like peppermint.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

A man walked into a cafe, Went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy
steak And a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs With your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing To his business down here.'


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Little Bow Hunter

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you
know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? 
Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the
place. One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Let's face it, to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of Pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb.
Pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.

Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'.

I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck…OH ********************! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of Pyrodex and into the can.
Oh ********************.

When the shock wave hit, it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this… THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off. 
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my Thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback:

ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMNIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a
Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either… not that it would really
matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later….repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the
idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR and Dad screaming "Bring Him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure… I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

~Author Unknown


----------



## GaryC

Dang, Bob… I'm just now recovering from prostate cancer surgery. I have no real bladder control. I pissed on myself 4 times. Not cool


----------



## gfadvm

Good one Bob!

I remember those escapades well growing up in the country.

And I too ALWAYS got caught.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Sorry Gary. Maybe these jokes should come with a warning, "Bladder control absolutely imperative."

Andy, Yeah, we did have some interesting times. One time when I was about 15 or 16, my uncle left my little brother and myself to pick rock while he went to town to play cards with the boys. He had some big rocks to move and we had been blasting. My mother would have killed him if she knew he had left me matches, blasting caps, fuse and a box of dynamite. Needles to say, LB and I did not move very many large rocks that afternoon, but we sure made a lot of small ones ;-))


----------



## gamygeezer

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words."

He said, "But what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"


----------



## gamygeezer

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot… I thought you might be my son."


----------



## Grumpy

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" 
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." 
"Yes , but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment, I'll have to take you in and write you up." 
"For reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." 
"Yes, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment, I'll have to take you in and write you up." 
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment, for all I know you could start at any moment." 
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


----------



## Grumpy

NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! Imean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)


----------



## gamygeezer

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.


----------



## gamygeezer

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly-and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" 
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" 
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." 
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about".
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!" 
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." 
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." 
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" 
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


----------



## Grumpy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. 
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." 
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." 
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. 
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. 
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." 
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." 
"Hasn't affected my brothers though." 
.
.
Thanks Andy


----------



## gamygeezer

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…'


----------



## Grumpy

Father Murphy woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf. He told the Associate Priest that he was feeling 
sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day As soon as the
Associate Priest left the room, Father Murphy headed out of town to a
golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" 
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Murphy
hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


----------



## Skippy906

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical(SM),

And the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
At the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
Logical thing. He started to walk faster, too

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.
You go that way and I'll go this way.
He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
Worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
As fast as I could and he started to run as fast as
He could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster
Than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!


----------



## Grumpy

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


----------



## gamygeezer

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

Ken


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Right on the mark there Ken.


----------



## Grumpy

.
Bad News About Grandpa

An elderly man had a massive stroke and the family drove him to the emergency hospital

After a while the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.

" I'm afraid Grandpa is brain dead, but his heart is still beating "

" Oh Dear God," cried his wife, " We've never had a Labor voter in the family before ! ".


----------



## gamygeezer

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."


----------



## woodsmithshop

Sean goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." 
The Priest says, "Is that you, Sean?" 
"Yes, Father, it is I." 
"Who was the woman you were with?" 
"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." 
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" 
"No, Father." 
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?" 
"No, Father." 
"Was it Ann Brown?" 
"No, Father, I cannot tell you." 
The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. 
Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Mary's." 
Sean goes back to his pew and his buddy Mike slides over and asks, "What happened?" 
Sean replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and three good leads."


----------



## gamygeezer

As a lingering part of my academic background, I try to follow the increasingly weird concept of Reality in the world of Physics. Sometimes it gets more than a little kinky, like this quote from a "scientific essay".

The idea of the void or darkness or nothingness is meaningless, as these are concepts of physical reality. If physical reality is not real, then neither is "nothingness". Everything comes from everythingness or the infinite, otherwise nothing could exist if there was nothingness. Darkness and the void is a perception issue, not just physical perception, but mental. If you cannot understand a concept, it is the same as darkness. If you want to leave the darkness, then you must learn the concept. It has been said that life is a hard lesson. But that lesson provides understanding and wisdom, and thus we "go into the light". We become more "en-lightened". Thus, we are no longer "in the darkness". So we exist to learn and become "more light", which physical reality is one lesson.

Makes me want to bang a nail into a 2×4. That's Reality.


----------



## oldnovice

+1 gamygezzer, makes about as much sense as politics!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me
********************."


----------



## gamygeezer

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet."


----------



## Bonka

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multimillionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom 
mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations 
a year, and you want to throw all that away… over 45 cents?"


----------



## patron

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'


----------



## Bonka

Husband takes the wife to a disco. 
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large 
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. 
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." 
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!


----------



## patron

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde .
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."


----------



## oldnovice

*patron* that one cracked me up!


----------



## bbrewer

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy 
class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and i'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto."


----------



## oldnovice

The husband come home from work and heads to the sofa to read the paper. Shortly thereafter his wife come down the stairs with a slinky black negligee and says "honey do you remember Rome five years ago?" He turn as nods.

A little frustrated she heads back up the stairs and in a few minutes come down again wearing a provocative a red negligee and says "honey do you remember Paris three years ago?" Again he turns and nods.

Now getting really concerned she goes back up the the stairs and in a few minutes comes down wearing nothing and says "honey do you remember New York on our honeymoon"? Again he turns and nods.

She screams at him "what is the matter with you, don't you love me anymore?" He replies "its Lent!" 
To which she says "that really stupid, to whom and for how long?"


----------



## robscastle

GREEN SIDE UP …..really !!


----------



## patron

Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


----------



## bbrewer

Fred was in the fertilized egg 
business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to 
fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster 
not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This 
took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his 
roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from 
a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on 
the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the 
bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine 
specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at 
all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were 
busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters 
coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had 
his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a 
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so 
proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an 
overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges 
not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded 
him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a 
politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to 
win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking 
up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying 
attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always 
hear the bells.


----------



## oldnovice

Good one *Tom*, couldn't see where this was going at all!


----------



## bbrewer

THE IRS DECIDES TO AUDIT GRANDPA
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." 
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand -
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa says,
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side
of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side,
and never get a drop anywhere in between.
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars
that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!


----------



## gfadvm

bbrewer, I love that one!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

bbrewer, That is fantastic! ;-))

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing 
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. 
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, 
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs 
she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the 
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife 
to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her 
husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your 
wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" 
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Tom. You get the prize for the week. Lunch with Julia & Kevin (two former Prime Ministers). LOL


----------



## OldWrangler

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I 
almost had an affair
with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I 
stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not 
to see that woman
again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over 
to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according 
to you,
that's the same as putting it in!'


----------



## bbrewer

That's awesome, will they let me know when I should pick them up at the airport or does lunch include my flight to them?


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## oldnovice

You are 100% correct Dan, "Zoophilia is legal in the following states: Alabama, Hawaii, *Kentucky*, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Ohio, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia, Wyoming, and DC."

*DC, that figures!*


----------



## Grumpy

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine 
restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The 
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly 
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table 
- but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair 
and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight 
ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that 
it might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, 
began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife 
just slid under the table.
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just 
walked in."


----------



## Grumpy

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" 
she asked.

The man replied, 
"I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" 
said the madam.

He replied, 
"No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts.
The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row." 
"Where are you from?"

The man replied, 
" New Brunswick .."

"Really," she said. 
"I have family in New Brunswick .."

"I know." the man said. 
"Your sister died, and I am her attorney." 
"She asked me to give you your
$15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that
three (3) things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed
by a lawyer !


----------



## patron

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom …..


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Any one know what this is?


----------



## Picklehead

French Arny Knife


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

That was quick!


----------



## Grumpy

Looks like it's screwed whatever it is!. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said…

(You'll love this…)

(I know you will…)
.
.
.
.
.

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

French only need one white flag, but lots of bottle openers ;-)


----------



## gfadvm

My blonde wife and 2 blonde daughters are gonna love this one!


----------



## Grumpy

Gfadvm, tell them from me no offence intended.


----------



## DrDirt

Since this is the subject du Jour….

A blonde Brunett and a Red Head, decide they will have a swimming competition to swim the English channel.

They decide that they would limit the style for the race to only the breast stroke.

The Brunette arrives first on world record pace at 7 hours 15 minutes.

30 minutes later the red head arrives and shakes the Brunettes hand.

An hour goes by…
Then another….

Finally 13 hours later the blonde arrives and staggers up the rocky beach exhausted.

After congratulating the winner… the blonde goes to the referee and says - -

*I don't mean to be a sore loser, but I think the other two women used their hands!!*


----------



## gamygeezer

DrDirt-

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.


----------



## patron

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


----------



## gamygeezer

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dusty56

Two very funny funnies , guys : ) Thank you both.


----------



## DanYo

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." 
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" 
Cowboy: "Nah… She's purty good lookin'....." 
When you are over sixty who gives a ********************….........

*
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" 
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." 
When you are over sixty who gives a ********************?

*
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." 
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." 
When you are over sixty who gives a ********************?

*
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then…try." 
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" 
I said, "Yesterday." 
When you are over sixty who gives a ********************?

*
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a ********************?

*
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." 
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." 
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " 
When you are over sixty who gives a ********************?


----------



## gfadvm

Dan'um, Good ones!


----------



## Grumpy

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied…

... "The balcony."


----------



## Grumpy

Finally, We get to meet Maxine's husband, Marvin. 
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

A 65 year old wealthy widow had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

. . . And God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it and find a young stud.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of that ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

. . . And God replied: "S**t! I didn't recognize you!!!!!"


----------



## Grumpy

> A man received the following text from his neighbour:

> I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to
> confess.

> I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not
> around.

> I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

> I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept
> my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.

> The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed
> his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
> 
> A few moments later, a second text came in:
> 
> Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife"!!!!!!!


----------



## Grumpy

compliments to Andy for this one!
.
.

*The Pastor's Ass*

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and 
it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey 
that he entered it in the next race, 
and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S 
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of 
publicity that he ordered the 
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.

The next day the local paper headline read: 
"BISHOP 
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S 
ASS".

This was too much for the Bishop, so he 
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a 
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted 
the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!

The Bishop fainted ….

He informed the Nun that she would have to 
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible.

So she sold it to a local farmer for $10. 
The next day the paper read:

"NUN 
SELLS ASS FOR $10".

This was too much for the Bishop so he 
ordered the Nun to buy back the 
donkey, and take it to the plains 
where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . . being 
concerned about public opinion can 
bring you much grief and misery, 
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and 
you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!


----------



## gfadvm

THAT is a great one!


----------



## bladedust

Frank walks in to a bar and sits down where there is a little man about a foot tall playing a tiny piano on top of the bar. Frank turns to the person sitting next to him and asks "what's with the little guy playing the piano on the bar?"

The other guy points to a strange looking guy at the end of the bar wearing pointy shoes and a turban with a feather. "See that guy?" he asks "well, he's a genie and will grant you any one wish you ask for". Frank looks in disbelief, but decides to try it just for fun.

He goes to the genie and asks for a million bucks. The genie tells him his wish has been granted and motions him to go look outside for his prize. Frank plays along goes outside where he sees a million ducks quacking and running around.

Frank goes back in, sits down and asks the person next to him "what's with this stupid genie? I asked for a million bucks and he gives me a million ducks". The other responds with "he's hard of hearing….do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"


----------



## Grumpy

He should have sold the million ducks for 2 or 3 million bucks.LOL


----------



## gamygeezer

Naw, when dealing in that volume, you can't get more than buck a duck.


----------



## Grumpy

A buck a duck
That's real bad luck
He may as well ask for a new lathe chuck
or a night out with lady muck
or perhaps a million dummies to suck
or coins in the river to chuck
then he could really run amuck.


----------



## gamygeezer

Or, if he had been more currency specific, wound up with a million dog collars.

A million fox hounds?

A million franks?


----------



## CharlieM1958

A guy is watching football on TV one day when his phone buzzes that he's got an incoming text. It's from his next door neighbor, and it reads:

"Joe, I'm writing with much embarrassment and shame to offer an apology. I've been tapping your wife for the last six months, and I'm riddled with guilt. I wasn't getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I just want you to know it will never happen again. I hope you can forgive me."

Shocked and outraged, Joe grabs his gun, rushes into the bedroom where his wife is reading a magazine, and shoots her dead without saying a word. Just then, a second text comes in:

"Damned auto correct. I meant "wi-fi", not "wife"."


----------



## TheDane

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $30.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad , and next year, have him tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl was quiet for a few moments, then looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there, Officer. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!


----------



## gamygeezer

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
"Howdy, stranger…" 
"Howdy, Sheriff…"

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister…" 
"Sheriff?" 
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?" 
"Reckon you did, Sheriff…I got me some powerful chapped lips…" 
"And that cures them?" 
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em."


----------



## lightcs1776

Gamygeezer, I now know what I'll be saying at the dinner table tonight. Too funny.


----------



## BurlyBob

Matt Dillon is leaned back in his chair in the Marshall's office drinking a cup of coffee with his feet up on the desk. When Chester comes limping all in a tizzy. "Mr. Dillon, Mr. Dillon, you better get yer ass down to the Long Branch!" He says. Matt in normal cool, calm and collect nature, tips his boots to one side. Looks at Chester and says, " Now where to you think I been gettin it all these years Chester?"


----------



## Grumpy

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!' 'What powerful rivers!' 'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'


----------



## gamygeezer

A guy is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor ordered. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." 
When the guy returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" 
The guy nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." 
"From hunger, you mean?" the doc questioned.
"No, from skipping."


----------



## gamygeezer

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: "Dog no talk." 
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" 
Dog: "Doin' alright." 
Indian: Look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" Pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep." 
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" 
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." 
Indian: Look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" 
Indian: "Horse no talk." 
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" 
Horse: "Good." 
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" Pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yep." 
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" 
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me." 
Indian: Complete look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" 
Indian: "Sheep liar."


----------



## Grumpy

Gamygeezer. I think that started out as a Kiwi joke. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

And if you think lawyers don't have hearts. 
Read the best lawyer story of all time…bar none. 
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. 
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' 
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh… no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? 
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' 
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

This is unbelievable! ;-)

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/CI8UPHMzZm8?rel=0


----------



## distrbd

She is unreal.very funny though,you can hear them laughing in the background.


----------



## oldnovice

A blind snake and blind rabbit bump into each other in the woods. After gathering themselves the rabbit says "what are you?" The snake replies, " I have no idea, what are you?" The rabbit also says "I have no idea either?"

The snake says "why don't we touch and feel each other to figure out what each other is?" The rabbit agrees and so the snake slithers all over the rabbit and when done says "you have long ears, a fluffy tail, and your nose is always wiggling, you must be a rabbit". To which the rabbit says "thank you."

The rabbit takes his turn and feels all over the snake. When the rabbit get done he says, "your slimy, you have beady little eyes, and a fork tongue, you must be a lawyer!"


----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## gamygeezer

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Another from Andy
.
.
. She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, 
but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of
the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot,
their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours,
so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in
and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,
called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs
and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, 
gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around
the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Skippy906

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Sandy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Sandy to get
a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from
work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit
that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it
is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. But, as with everything else I take her for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her either (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. For
example, she had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the
yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for
me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sandy. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just
use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, RON

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his butt, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Sandy was arrested
and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find
her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Ross and Sam, two friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Ross didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Ross hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know
where Ross lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Ross, but one day, 
Sam approached the park and-lo and behold!-there sat Ross!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Ross, what in the world happened to you?'

Ross replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well' Ross said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go ?









'Yeah,' said Sam, I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'


----------



## oldnovice

Good one *Grumpy*. If Cindy looked like that, I would plead guilty too!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC

I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

• Vitamin E 3% 
• Aspirin 2% 
• Ibuprofen 2% 
• Vitamin C 1% 
• Spray Starch 5% 
• Fix-A-Flat 87%


----------



## Grumpy

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" 
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." 
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" 
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" 
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!" 
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" 
"Yes! He only has one ear!" 
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" 
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but…." 
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?" 
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." 
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" 
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."


----------



## patron

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force.

I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's behinds are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind for me?


----------



## gamygeezer

patron, that's funny… a tough joke to follow..

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."


----------



## Grumpy

Slow Down 









Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…" So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: 









NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks


----------



## Pdub

Cowboy Priest

A new priest, born and raised in rural Texas, comes to serve in a city and is nervous 
about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No sh*t, what happened next ?"


----------



## Pdub

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He
would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
seagull lay dead in the sand. 
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I
wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear
Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I inviteall these people to dinner?"


----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## Grumpy

Gamygeezer, me too!!!!!!!


----------



## Grumpy

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?" 
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter." 









When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" 
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says,
"No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews." 
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?" 
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies,
"I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere." 
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews." 
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" 
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."


----------



## gamygeezer

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired.

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant….!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


----------



## gfadvm

gameygeezer, That was a great one!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## gamygeezer

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks…like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you….... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised".


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks for Andy for this one!
.









A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. 
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, 
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..

(Are you ready for this?) 
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray 
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!


----------



## Bonka

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and

will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface

like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember-you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to

go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly

raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf

bag?

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.


----------



## Grumpy

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally,
his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." 
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men
standing by the door?
They're hushers."


----------



## Grumpy

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One
bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


----------



## Grumpy

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."


----------



## Grumpy

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am."


----------



## Bonka

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE 
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID…......."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT…...I'M GETTING A 
FAX!!"


----------



## Grumpy

Best commercial


----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## gamygeezer

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


----------



## distrbd

Now that's funny,I would imagine English speaking people with good grasp of grammar and punctuation could live a little longer,ha ha.


----------



## Grumpy

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own *%^@#$ business.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## gamygeezer

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."

The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and stabs himself to death.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over.

The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!"


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gamy


----------



## DanYo




----------



## gamygeezer

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"


----------



## gamygeezer

Ok, I know this is in bad taste, so I apologize in advance. But it is too funny to pass up.

On second thought, deleted..

This one is not as offensive..

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

"What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

"What the heck, bring me an order."

"I am so sorry senor," the waiter replied. "There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders.

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins…"


----------



## gamygeezer

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## DanYo




----------



## oldnovice

*Dan, regarding #1208 … no political jokes please! *


----------



## Sanding2day

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I poop like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."


----------



## Grumpy

THE ZIPPER
.









In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt 
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little 
more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the 
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

"How dare you touch my body!

I don't even know who you are!'
.









The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London .

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen towards the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen. It says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.*'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## gamygeezer

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## gamygeezer

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.


----------



## cdarney

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife….....
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." 
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." 
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

...Chuck


----------



## Grumpy

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to
be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear
from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are
you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his cocoa, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day
we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating?
I was 18 and you were only 16," he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so
caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison
for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

"I would have gotten out today!"


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy
.
The Italian golfer…
.









Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. 
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 
'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. 
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'










"'Well' says the doctor, 
'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. 
How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 
'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. 
How old is he?'









'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 
'In fact he golfed with me this morning, 
and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. 
He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. 
How about your Father's Father? 
How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 
'you mean you're 80 years old and 
your grandfather's still living! 
Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 
'Getting married? 
Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to get married?"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## gamygeezer

Hmmm… generally, politics are not recommended for jokes. Opens up waaay too many hard feelings on both sides.


----------



## oldnovice

*gamygeezer*, but *HE* was a joke!


----------



## lightcs1776

You know, I usually stay out of these issues, OldNovice. I respect your woodworking, appreciate your posts regarding various projects. However, this is one place where I respectfully disagree. While I don't believe in a perfect president, I would be happy to have him back in office. I am far less impressed with our current President.


----------



## madts

gamygeezer, but HE was a joke!

No he was a DISASTER.


----------



## lightcs1776

So much for the joke of the day thread. See ya.


----------



## DanYo

A recent study has found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


----------



## DanYo

EXERCISING WITH POTATO BAGS

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

HaHa Danny boy. IsnT that just the naked truth. LOL


----------



## gamygeezer

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"


----------



## gfadvm

Good one Geezer!


----------



## oldnovice

I like that one too Geezer!


----------



## DanYo

"Politicians and diapers have to be changed often and for the same reason."
- Mark Twain


----------



## gamygeezer

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

Dan'um Style-I saw a whole bunch of people wearing hats like that the other day on TV … I was watching C-SPAN.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## oldnovice

*TheDane* you were watching the same thing I was watching but I saw a lot more blank stares and many closed eyelids.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## NoThanks

Post #1241
Jerry Lewis boxing and Dean Martin in the corner?


----------



## TheDane

Post #1241
Jerry Lewis boxing and Dean Martin in the corner?

Yup … it is from the 1952 movie *Sailor Beware*


----------



## NoThanks

Thanks,


----------



## gamygeezer

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


----------



## gamygeezer

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."


----------



## GaryC




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DrDirt

Abbott and Costello explains Common Core math


----------



## patron

There was this man in a mental hospital…

All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron




----------



## DanYo

data:image/jpeg;base64,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## DanYo

$60,000,000 year


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## DanYo




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## DanYo




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## DanYo

*A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were 
in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. 
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that 
no woodpecker could peck.*










*The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and 
promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. 
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.*










*The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican 
woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 
'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). 
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he 
could do it and accepted the challenge.*










*The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker 
successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost 
without breaking a sweat.*










*Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it 
that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the 
Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to 
peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the 
tree in their own country?*










*After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the 
same conclusion:*



















*Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home!!*










thanks ODIE !
http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


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## Grumpy

I put my finger in the Woodpecker's hole!
and the Woodpecker said;
"Well bless my soul"


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## Grumpy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children …

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, ?5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand, South Australia, Queensland and Tasmania


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## DanYo

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:








"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?


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## Dusty56

LOL, Dan : )


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## DanYo

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a 
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly 
away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, 
but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 
'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled 
down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 
'The correct answer is 'the one with the 
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


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## DanYo




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## Grumpy

> > A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question….

> > WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

> > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

> > WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

> > HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

> > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

> > HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

> > WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

> > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

> > WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

> > HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

> > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

> > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

> > WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

> > HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

> > WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

> > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

> > WIFE: "Would you give her my Jewellery?"

> > HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

> > WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

> > HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times.."

> > WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

> > HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

> > WIFE:-silence-

> > HUSBAND: "********************."


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## DanYo

*There was a boy standing on the street selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f##king potatoes!"*


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron

anyone tried these yet

a gift to freshmen
at a college in canada

aids ribbons stapled to the package
(hey they are just tiny holes)
to remind them about safe sex

education has sure changed


----------



## Grumpy

Two men walk into a pet shop, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' 
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.. 
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. 
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.. 
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..' 
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. 
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. 
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,


Code:


#$% dat. <br />Dis budgie jumping is too

#$%'n dangerous for me!' 
THERE'S MORE. ... 
.
.
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. 
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.. 
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. 
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. 
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. 
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. 
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. 
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET…. 
.
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. 
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. 
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

*Once more Paddy shakes his head. ##$% dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting…. And now Sean and his @#$%'n hengliding!' *


----------



## Grumpy

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!!!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that love using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Here are some examples:

 When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. 
 A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 
 When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 
 The batteries were given out free of charge. 
 A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. 
 A will is a dead giveaway. 
 With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 
 A boiled egg is hard to beat. 
 When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall. 
 Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 
 Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 
 A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 
 When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 
 The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. 
 He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 
 When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his 
staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel 
decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and 
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much 
of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending
upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have
me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

(Thanks Andy)


----------



## NoThanks

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at the table behind them begins to cough weakly. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she's in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head in the negative.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head No again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm; the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it."


----------



## bbrewer

Men in Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## NoThanks

OK, Now What?


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

Perch, Northern Pike


----------



## gfadvm

Dang, Jerry beat me to it!

I'll add: koi, sturgeon, dogfish, bonefish….....

What did we win?


----------



## NoThanks

I think it's a set up! If not, I have a Goldfish


----------



## DanYo

CLASSIC

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. 
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' 
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. 
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. 
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
youngster, too.

He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.


----------



## DanYo

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, 
to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this , but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out….'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


----------



## NoThanks




----------



## BJODay

I had a colonoscopy 5 years ago. The doc said everything looked good,... see you in ten years.

I said thank god,... I was worried because my sister had a polyp removed. He said she did? In that case I'll see you in five years. I go in again in this month. The joke is on me!

BJ


----------



## DanYo

TWO MEN SITTING ON A BENCH AT A TRAIN STATION

Both of the men had a black eyes. This sparked the men's interest and so one asked the other how he got his black eye.

The first man said, "well, you see that ticket seller over there across the platform? She is quite attractive. I went up to her and what I meant to say was, 'could I please get a ticket to Pittsburg?' But what I actually said was, 'could I please get a picket to tittsburg' and so she slapped me in the face."

The other man laughed and said, "no way that is so similar to how I got my black eye. You see it happened at the breakfast table this morning with my wife. What I meant to say was, 'honey could you please pass the milk' but what I actually said was, 'f*ck you B*itch you ruined my life.'"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." 
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high." 
.
.
.
Come on now…you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story…did you????


----------



## Grumpy

Investment tips

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and
become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will
become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of
Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally…

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under
the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


----------



## bbrewer

Don't forget the merger of Norfolk Railroad and Waypal Trucking. Their new slogan

"Norfolk n Waypal we'll get it there overnight."


----------



## harveysoriginals

A most excellent thread today! Thanks for all the laughs!!!!!!


----------



## Grumpy

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a damn anymore 
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. 
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, 
yet it lives for 150 years. 
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. 
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, 
The good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


----------



## patron

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. 
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." 
The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. 
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar,where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar when he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. 
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. 
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Chain-Smoker stopped in his tracks and stared at the cigarette. 
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

Mooresville, NC
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's stimulus scheme for employing Harlem teenagers.

The decision to hire them was brought
about by a recent documentary on how welfare drawing street gangs from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

UPDATE
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within
9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr., for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.


----------



## Grumpy

Dan, watch out for skippy, he can box!

.


----------



## DanYo

ha !


----------



## Grumpy

> The British Penny

> European Union Directive No. 456179
>
> In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 December 2014. 
>
> From this date onwards, the correct term will be: 
>
> "Euronating". 
>
> It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

AND THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.


----------



## DanYo

Thanks Odie
http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


----------



## DanYo

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A
"DOG PERSON" OR A BRUNETTE
TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

"Stay!"
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping 
center and rolled down the car windows
to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.









She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted 
to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger 
at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, 
gave me a strange look and said, 
(this is going to hurt read on)








.
.
.









*"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"*


----------



## Grumpy

AFFORDABLE POOL FOR RETIREES.









FART AND YOU'VE GOT A JACUZZI!
.
One from Andy


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


----------



## Bogeyguy

I thought I would add my 2 cents to this thread.

What do they call an astronaut in Italy?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
A speciman.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## oldnovice

This happened last Thursday while my wife and I were doing our weekly grocery shopping or as my wife calls it bonding time. She has the grocery list in her Palm Pilot and let's me know what's on the list as we go down the aisles.

We were coming to the end of an aisle just before the dairy coolers when this very well endowed young lady wearing a spaghetti strap top came around the corner and obviously I could not help but stare.

That's when my wife said "milk, two of them".

I replied "yes indeed" and my wife poked me in the ribs and said "fat free out of the cooler dear!".


----------



## Grumpy

This guy is a hoot
.
http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014/07/84-year-old-man-surprises-americas-got.html
.


----------



## Grumpy

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her 
hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go 
there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go 
to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got
a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's 
a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight
attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So,
where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on 
Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody 
thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, 
but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get 
to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a 
million other people trying to see him. He'll look the 
size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of 
yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. 
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only
were we on time in one of Continental's brand new 
planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up 
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and 
I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on 
me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd 
just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's 
a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were 
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their 
owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and 
good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured 
the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, 
and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the 
visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private 
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure 
enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the 
door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few 
words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?

"He said: "Who ruined your hair?"


----------



## Grumpy

Specialist vs. Specialist 
. 
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people." 
.
Thanks Andy


----------



## Grumpy

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"


----------



## Grumpy

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ….. doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..... all #**%^&* same.'


----------



## Grumpy

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING 
YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT 
I COULD TALK 
MY WAY OUT OF IT 
UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT 
MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT


----------



## Grumpy

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down…

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
.
.
Thanks Andy


----------



## Grumpy

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied with an Irish accent, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million 
bucks. Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks…..flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ralph answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'


----------



## patron




----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)

Grumpy this is one funny thread ,yall keep me insane LOL


----------



## Grumpy

Eddie, nothing like an insane woodworker. LOL


----------



## oldnovice

I hope the 37 photos she took were not selfies while she was in there for the reason one goes to the bathroom!


----------



## DanYo

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old "I think it's time we started swearing. 
When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you go".
"OK" Says the 4 yr old, and they run downstairs.
Mom asks the 7yr old what he wants for breakfast.








"I'll have Coco Puffs, B#tch!" he says. WHACK, he flew out of his chair and started crying his eyes out.
Mom looked at the 4yr old now, sternly, and said "and what do YOU want?" 
to which he replied "I don't know, but it won't be f#cking Coco puffs!"


----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, hops up on the bar stool, looks at the bartender and says…"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw.


----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)

Boudreaux is lying on his deathbed, about to draw his last breath, and is surrounded by his wife and four sons. Three of the sons are tall, good looking, athletic, and intelligent. The fourth, is a short, ugly, homely as sin, and dumb as a tree. 
Boudreaux, mustering all the energy he has left, asks Marie, "Cher, before I goes, dere is one ting I wants to know. My fourth son, is he really mine ? If he isn't, I understands, but I gots to know for sure." 
Marie, interrupts, softly telling him, "Boudreaux, don't you worry 'bout dat. I promise you dat he is your son." Boudreaux then passes away, but he dies happy. 
Marie turns to the three good looking sons, and says, "I sure is glad he didn't ask me about y'all !"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## cdarney

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the 
finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel 
throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge 
what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin's whore."


----------



## DrDirt

Not a "Joke" per se…. but funny!


----------



## DrDirt

New variation of older theme….

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. Addressing the Harley rider, he says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life."

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really.

The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

*" U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!"*

….and that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)




----------



## DanYo




----------



## cdarney

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Lee's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear. Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Lee's wife, Sue, followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, he did. Sue said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $250.'

Jim confirmed that he is very interested. Sue told him that since her husband Lee played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Lee's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum, they went to the bedroom, and Sue gave him a great time.Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Lee came home from golf at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'Did he give you $250?

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did.'

Lee, with a satisfied look on his face, continued, 'Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay it back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is how poker should be played…


----------



## GaryC




----------



## gamygeezer

Now THAT's funny, Gary!


----------



## Grumpy

One Monday morning Shane the postman was
riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine 
and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.

Dave, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt 
like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the 
neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around 
midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet 
with only their 'willy' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to 
guess who it is..'

The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' says Dave, 'Your name came up 7 times.'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women


----------



## toeachhisown (Eddie)




----------



## Grumpy

Mrs. Brown, Indian curries & spray glue




.
PS. For those who don't know the series, Mrs Brown is played by a man and the other old girl is really his sister.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

TWO~PRIESTS~ON~VACATION







;

















They were determined to make this a real vacation by not
wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. 
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............
They couldn't help but stare.









As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father, nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. 
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.







;









Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..'


----------



## DrDirt

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## kiefer

I was in the hardware store to get some threaded rod and could not find any three quarter inch nuts to go with it .
Went to the help counter and ask if they had any three quarter nuts and the women relpied* no but we have some completly nuts *


----------



## Grumpy

Can you name this strange old tool?
Do you know what it is?
.









.

Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit (1750s - 1810s).
The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient's rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.

A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration. Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase "blowing smoke up your arse."

As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by all levels of government!


----------



## Grumpy

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies: 
Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service' 
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. 
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows. 
Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dusty56

Good one, Grumpy : )


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DrDirt

AN ELDERLY MARRIED COUPLE WAS AT HOME WATCHING TV.

THE HUSBAND HAD THE REMOTE AND WAS SWITCHING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN A
FISHING CHANNEL AND THE PORN CHANNEL.

THE WIFE BECAME MORE AND MORE ANNOYED AND FINALLY SAID:
"FOR GOD'S SAKE! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL.
YOU ACTUALLY KNOW HOW TO FISH!"

DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING DID YOU?…


----------



## DrDirt

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!"


----------



## DrDirt

Old guys rule
Written by chuck on August 10, 2014 - 12:35 am -

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Bonka




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Jerry, I could do that, Will you join ;-)


----------



## Gene01

Oh darn! My routing club meets on Tuesdays. Which reminds me, I gotta find my map.


----------



## Bonka

Topa; I only have a Diston #8 rip.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

That'll work. It will just keep you a busy a little longer cutting that direction ;-)


----------



## NoThanks

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says … Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"


----------



## Bonka

Due to inherit a furniture factory when his sickly, widower father died, Clyde decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm only an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "But in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit a 20 million dollar business."

The woman went home with Clyde, and the next day she became his stepmother


----------



## Bonka

Observing 'The Baby' one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50." -


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Tiger Woods meets Stevie Wonder
Stevie-Hi Tiger, how's the golf?
Tiger-Not to bad Stevie but could be better
Stevie-Yeah I know what you mean. I have those days when my swing is a bit off.
Tiger-Huh, do you play golf?
Stevie- Yes I do
Tiger- But if you don't mind me saying so you are blind. How can you play golf?
Stevie-Well I get my caddy to stand about 150 yards down the fairway and I hit in the direction of his voice
Tiger-Amazing, but what about putting?
Stevie- My caddy puts his head on the ground and sings 'hole-a-lu-ya' and I hit towards him.
Stevie how about we have a game
Tiger-Yeah anytime.
Stevie- Why don't we play for $10,000 a hole to make it interesting
Tiger- You must be joking but you are on. When do you wan't to play?
Stevie- How about tonight, there's no moon.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy

Irish Pub Signs


----------



## cdarney

5 undeniable facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.


----------



## Grumpy

OLD MOLESTER!!

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip to the Casino, Surfer's Paradise .

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'


----------



## oldnovice

*cdarney*, simple truths are the best and you hit on a bunch of them!


----------



## Pdub

THE LIGHT TURNED YELLOW

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the 'chrome-plated Christian fish emblem' on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless.


----------



## Grumpy

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car ..

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the copper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the copper.


----------



## Grumpy

*Queensland*

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help.
If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

*Tasmania*

A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Tasmania 'cause everything happens inTasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

*Northern Territory*

The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, "Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!"

Johnno replied, "Did ya see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

*Western Australia*

A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "About what?"

*Victoria*

The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch. The copper asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."


----------



## DanYo

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on 
the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men 
were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, 
and many tall tales…








Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, 
meanest, toughest cowboy there is.

Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns 
with my bare hands and castrated that s^cker with my teeth." 








Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. 
"That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday 
and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from 
under a rock and made a move for me.

I grabbed that b^stard with my bare hands, bit off its head, 
and sucked the poison down in one gulp - 
didn't even get a belly ache." 








Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, 
remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his p^cker…

*Thanks ODIE*
http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


----------



## distrbd




----------



## DanYo




----------



## distrbd




----------



## patron

My German relatives Hans and Greta were visiting NYC years ago. They loved walking around and seeing the sights, but one day became separated. Greta searched frantically. Seeing a barber shop across the street she rushed over, stuck her head in the door and asked the first barber, "Vash my Heiney in here?" To which the barber replied, "Sorry lady. We just give shaves and haircuts."


----------



## oldnovice

Good one Dave!


----------



## Grumpy

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'


----------



## cdarney

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS TO HOW

TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

*Dear Abby,*
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?*

*Dear Abby,*
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?*

*Dear Abby,*
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.*

*Dear Abby,*
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.*

*Dear Abby,*
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?*

*Dear Abby,*
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?*

*Dear Abby,*
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every

week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.*

*Dear Abby,*
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.*

*Dear Abby,*
*You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?*

*Dear Abby*,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.*

*Remember, these people can and DO vote!*


----------



## Dusty56

Hilarious : )


----------



## Grumpy

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a @#$%^&* brick wall!"


----------



## cdarney

A Marine Helo pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

And that, my friends…......is Confidence


----------



## Grumpy

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.


----------



## Grumpy

Imitation Chainsaw
.

http://static.photobucket.com/player.swf


----------



## gfadvm

I have seen hippos do this! No idea why.


----------



## madts

They do it to spread their scent.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

A Marine Helo pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."









The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."









The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."










The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"









The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."








And that, my friends……...is Confidence


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again…...back and forth…back and forth….. in and out…....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding….. her face was flushed…..

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay! I can't park the car! You do it, you smug bastard!"


----------



## Grumpy

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part…. :

'Only when he's pissed.'


----------



## TheDane

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men … are men!


----------



## woodsmithshop

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral…

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…

A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the 
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following 
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart 
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all 
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry… I was just thinking of 
my own funeral…I'm a gynecologist!'

The priest fainted!......................


----------



## Grumpy

Lawyer rings client;
The lawyer says: "I have some good news and bad news"
The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first." 
The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million" 
The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, very good news indeed ! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"
The lawyer answers: "These pictures are of you in bed with your secretary"


----------



## Grumpy

Murphy is walking home late at night and sees
a woman in the dark shadows.

'Thirty euros,' she whispers.

Murphy has never been with a hooker before, but
decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros.

So they hid in the bushes.

They're going at it for a minute or two when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's the police.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'Oi'm making love to me woife,' Murphy answers, sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'


----------



## JADobson




----------



## Grumpy

The Pope cracks some funnies
.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

> Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.
> 
> "I say, that's a remarkable private part you have there," Paddy was prompted to remark.
> 
> "Wasn't always that way," replied Mick. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this
> done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every dollar." 
> 
> Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. It was a good six months later before he ran into Mick
> once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
> 
> "You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand bucks only" said Paddy. Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.
> Once more they lined up at the loo and when Mick took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he started laughing.
> "What happened, why are you laughing?" 
> "No wonder you got it at half price," Mick laughed. "That's my old one!"


----------



## patron

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. 
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. 
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. 
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. 
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. 
Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.


----------



## Grumpy

David, that is so true mate.


----------



## Grumpy

I saw Tarzan driving today.
.
.
.
He had a Mazda Tree 2 Tree. LOL


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

THE LEGAL SYSTEM!!

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The woman jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke
comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH…... HE WON!!


----------



## DanYo

!







!


----------



## Grumpy

*BEER WARNING !!!!!!!!*
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would normally not be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here : 
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf


----------



## DrDirt

Excellent grumpy - - reminds me of the simpsons.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/25708


----------



## DrDirt

Why Email Is Like Having A Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason why E-mail is like a penis…..

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!


----------



## Grumpy

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. 
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

----------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot..
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
------------------ 
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That…. gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.


----------



## cdarney

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses…. they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE ???


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

*Grumpy*, you must keep very up to date on current affairs, both in the NFL and *congress*!
Check out, post 1264!


----------



## Grumpy

*The Talking Centipede *

A single guy decided life would be more fun 
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store 
and told the owner 
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, 
he finally bought a talking centipede, 
which came in a little white box 
to use for his house.

He took the box back home, 
found a good spot for the box, 
and decided he would start off 
by taking his new pet 
to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede
in the box, 
"Would you like to go 
down the pub with me today? 
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer 
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, 
but he waited a few minutes 
and then asked again, 
"How about going 
down the pub with me ?"

But again, 
there was no answer 
from his new friend and pet. 
So he waited 
a few minutes more, 
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided 
to invite the centipede 
one last time.

This time he
put his face up against 
the centipede ' s box and shouted,
.

*"Hey, in there! 
Would you like to go 
to
the pub with me?*
.....
This time, 
a little voice 
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I 'm putting my @#$%^&* shoes on!"


----------



## Grumpy

*PAM AYRES - Sat Nav*

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.   
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".   
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.   
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.   
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.   
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.   
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?   
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!   
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

Wait, it's growing!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!

Three women die together in an accident 
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 
'We only have one rule here in heaven: 
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, 
There are ducks all over the place. 
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, 
And although they try their best to avoid them, 
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. 
St.. Peter chains them together and says, 
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to 
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' 
The next day, 
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck 
And along comes St. Peter, 
Who doesn't miss a thing. 
With him is another extremely ugly man. 
He chains them together 
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, 
Not wanting to be chained 
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, 
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months 
Without stepping on any ducks, 
But 
One day St.Peter comes up to her 
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on 
..... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 
'I wonder what I did to deserve being 
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 
*'I don't know about you, 
But I stepped on a 
Duck. *


----------



## cdarney

An admiral visits one of the ships under his command.
>
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia."

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "If you feel that way sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."


----------



## Coolal

LOL. That is a good one..


----------



## Grumpy

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

.
.
..
.
.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?


----------



## Grumpy

*A Delicate Corporate Matter*

All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. 
He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.
He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, Have you ever had sex with Ms. Foyt, my secretary?

Oh, no sir, positively not! Bob replied.

Are you absolutely sure? asked the chairman.

Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!

You'd swear to that?

Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Ms. Foyt anytime, anywhere.

Good, then you fire her !!!


----------



## DrDirt

We had a power outage at my house his afternoon and my sound music system, computer and TV were all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead, and to top it all off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't ride my motorcycle.

I went to the kitchen to make coffee, and then remembered that the coffee pot also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

------------------------

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

--------------------------------------

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, "I want a quickie."

She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!"

"How disappointing," the man replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?"
"He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly.

"Hmmm," do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?"

"I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly

A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks,

"What are you having done?"

The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about.

I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.

"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."


----------



## Grumpy

My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for
stealing!

At first I didn't believe it…. but when I got home all the signs were
there.


----------



## Dal300




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

TO THE HORTICULTURIST AMONG YOU………

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem

to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,

she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most

beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman,

"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front

of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.

My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try

doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if

it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she

flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,

"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied,

"but my cucumbers are enormous."


----------



## DrDirt

Dans joke reminded me of a different wheel commercial


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy
.

Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting"

The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" ?

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?" Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him".

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"?

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more ** ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/13/sara-x-boobs-mozart-video-_n_5977310.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

What happens when highbrow and lowbrow entertainment meet on the Internet? This.

On Sunday, tattooed model Sara X posted a video to her YouTube channel in which she wiggles her breasts (sort-of) in time to a piece by Mozart.

Some people couldn't get a handle on her gravity-defying feat, and fielded some pretty intense speculation as to how the mesmerizing routine could have been faked. Detractors let their imaginations run wild, suggesting that cords, electrical shocks, and other unlikely devices were used to make her breasts move.

Sara addressed the criticism on Facebook, quipping that "While my boobs are very fake, the video is very real… I am flexing my pectoral muscles and it's moving my implants."

The process she's describing has been accomplished before by the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, albeit without implants.

However she's accomplished it, Weird News congratulates Sara on her routine and her excellent ink.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Business man: What's your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, sir!

Business man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes sir, very close.

Business man: How close?

Hostess: Same price


----------



## DrDirt

Your Age According to Home Depot !

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of these tasks you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember - the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick-up too, and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around, thinking someone called your name.


----------



## DrDirt

Woodworking Related :^)

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,

'Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.

Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,

'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into!!!


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy.
.
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: 
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: 
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: 
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one-which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? 
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd… '

'Hold it,' interrupts St.Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind….but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.' I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks !


----------



## gfadvm

Dr Dirt, I resemble that comment!


----------



## Grumpy

*
Longest Nerve In The Body*

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a ********************ty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bum
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!
.


----------



## Bluepine38

Dr. Dirt- The wife threw that pair of shorts out, I no longer have to worry about that, just have to remember
to check my zipper, other than that you are accurate.


----------



## Grumpy

Sex after surgery!

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman,
Anne Maynard, has tried to sue Wellington Hospital , saying that after her husband
had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. 
All we did was correct his eyesight


----------



## DrDirt

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night….whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)


----------



## DrDirt

Love what kids come up with…they know so much they are not given credit for.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…
- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- "An ambulance just drove by!"
- "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
- "Matt's riding a new bike!"
- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
- "Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced…
- "The Coopers are having sex
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."


----------



## DrDirt

Halloween Treat!! Clever mod to hot-dogs.


----------



## DrDirt

Leash Laws….


----------



## DrDirt

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea … it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon


----------



## Grumpy

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:









It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around

the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society, who also happened to be a Greens senator, pointed to first drawing and said:

"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. 
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. "

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots…..Hebrew is read from right to left… It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

The spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, called 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table, per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen for replacement clean spoons and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.", he said. I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string hanging right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our 'you-know-what', we can pull it out without touching it, and eliminate the need to wash our hands, thus shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 %."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well", he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


----------



## Grumpy

Very good TopamaxSurvivor


----------



## Grumpy

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Hooker's Confession

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special 
occasion
I think that it is time I made a confession…... before we were married I
was a hooker for eight years..'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says, 'my love, you have been a perfect wife for 10 years! and I cannot 
hold your past against you..
Maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade so as to spice up our 
sex life a bit..?'

She said, 'Darling I don't think you understood me correctly, my name was
Brian and I played rugby for Wales …......'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and 
after a while they got to know each other so 
well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, 
the  other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her 
white dress. The groom broom was handsome 
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was 
lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the 
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 
'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? 
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Sounds to me like she's ….... !
......been ....sweeping around!!!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Heaven or Hell?
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may
be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a
problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're
not sure what to do with you." 
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in
hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." 
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." 
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds
himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had
worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in
evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the
good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling
jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now
it's time to visit heaven…
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing
the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24
hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." 
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean
heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." 
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more
trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full
of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## NorwegianLogger

hehe, good one Dan'um Style


----------



## DanYo

The nun got into a New York cab and notices that the 
VERY handsome cab driver will not stop staring at her.
She asks him, "Why are you staring at me?" He replies, 
"I have a question to ask you, but I don't
want to offend you. She answers, "My son, you cannot 
offend me. When you are as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a 
chance to see and hear just about anything.
I am sure that there is nothing you could say or ask that 
I would find offensive. The cabbie said,
"Well I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well , lets see what we can do about that. 
First, you must be single and second,
you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited, 
and said, "Yes, I am single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun said, "Pull into the next alley." 
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 
"My dear child" said the nun,
"Why are you crying?"

The cabbie replied,"Sister,forgive me for I have sinned. 
I lied and must confess. I am
married and I am Jewish."

The nun said, "That's OK. my name is Kevin and 
I am going to a Halloween party.*


----------



## DanYo




----------



## cdarney

JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ??"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."


----------



## cdarney

JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ??"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."


----------



## DrDirt

A very tall balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know', said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


----------



## DrDirt

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. 
The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

There must be some real sick people out there!"


----------



## DrDirt

Celebrating 50 years together.

Three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift ."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. "You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

*The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

Yep, said the father, Cheap ones too…

*


----------



## NorwegianLogger

Here's some short ones:

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Slept like a log last night…... Woke up in the fireplace.


----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## cdarney

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." 
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." 
"Is it common?" 
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds: "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

https://www.facebook.com/terrellsuggs/photos/a.266945916679677.66872.140558882651715/384840861556848/?type=1


----------



## DrDirt

*Sick Leave 
*
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office…

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Not technically a joke, but a pretty good aphorism I saw somewhere in the intertubes recently-

Never play chess with a pigeon. It will wander around, knocking over pieces and defecating on the board, and then strut around like it won the game.


----------



## patron

The next time you're having a bad day, just think-you're lucky you're not this guy!

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DrDirt

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie: For better digestion, I drink beer.

In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine.

For low blood pressure, I drink Red Wine.

In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch.

And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I've never been that sick.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

*FOR THANKSGIVING>>>*


----------



## patron

a man who wanted to be smarter. 
a snake oil salesman sold a man a small container filled with rabbit poop claiming they would make him smarter. 
he told the man " take 2 every day and i will see you next week when i pass through again " 
the man took his " smart pills " faithfully and met the snake oil salesman as he came down the road again. 
he said " the smart pills seem to be working, i feel much more intelligent, but they taste a bit like rabbit poop ."

to which the salesman responded " see - you're getting smarter already "


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## BurlyBob

Sadly, totally disrespectful and unfunny.


----------



## Bonka

I would have to agree. Not funny.


----------



## Dal300

Dan'um, I thought it was funny!


----------



## cdarney

Ahhh…Lighten up!

Dan'um, I'm still laughing.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dal300

You need to read this, it is heartwarming for an old construction guy.

 
Construction Crew Teaches a Five Year old Well.


----------



## gfadvm

Dallas, I loved it! Reminded me of my granddaughter.


----------



## DanYo

THIS IS INSANE!!
TERRORIST SET FREE & GIVEN A CAR
What in the world is going on? 
Releasing a terrorist and giving him money and a car - what next?


----------



## Dal300

Outstanding! *Dan'um Style*, I would have offered our 2004 Taurus in exchange for that Fairlane though!


----------



## Grumpy

SOME ZEN TEACHINGS 
.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
.
Good judgment comes from bad experience .. and most of that comes from bad judgment. 
.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women Neither one works. 
.
Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. (think about it!)
.
If at first you don't succeed, sky-diving is not for you. 
.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. .
.
No one is listening until you pass wind
.
Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any
.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## gamygeezer

The best Christmas cartoon ever!


----------



## Grumpy

A trucker came into a Truck Stop Café' and placed his order.

He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered
three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires… means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running
boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

"OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the trucker.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"


----------



## Dal300

*Grumpy* When I was a kid I worked in my mom's restaurant. The waitresses use to give orders like that.
One of my my favorites was, "Pair of eyeballs, one winkin' one blinkin'" 
Can you tell what was ordered?


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Dallas
.

Fishing

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. 
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. 
A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.

'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. 
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a 
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous 
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail 
Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had 
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to 
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom
before you leave us"

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Andy for this one
.
A woman from Vancouver who was a tree hugging NDP'er and anti-hunter,
anti-pipeline environmentalist purchased a piece of timberland near
Squamish, BC. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the
tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she
started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In
her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got 
many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told
him she was an environmentalist, an NDP'er and an anti-industry person 
and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to 
go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from Environment
Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land Management before 
I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a
Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial 
Medical cut backs they turned you down.


----------



## Dal300

Meanwhile, this customer is testing the plungers at Harbor Freight.


----------



## Picklehead




----------



## Grumpy

SARCASM AT ITS BEST
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" 
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. 
She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." 
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, -
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." 
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?" 
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!" 
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. 
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?" 
The doctor replies, ¸¸
"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the
east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"


----------



## stevepeterson

Dallas, I give up. What is a pair of eyeballs, one winkin', one blinkin'?


----------



## DrDirt

The amazing TSA!!

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhv40yqF1R0fOdgUMR


----------



## Dal300

*Steve Peterson*, That is a pair of eggs, one sunny side up, the other over easy. The trick is to get them done at the same time and connected like a pair over easy.


----------



## Dal300

*DrDirt*, Ya gotta love what the TSA does for us! Bwahahahahaha!


----------



## DrDirt

> *DrDirt*, Ya gotta love what the TSA does for us! Bwahahahahaha!
> 
> - Dallas


"The genius' ....It is like they are inside our heads…." Hee Heee heee


----------



## DrDirt

Having married a Sicilian…. this is pretty close to the truth for parties and such..


----------



## Grumpy

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit


----------



## Dal300

Grumpy, consider those stolen with intent to distribute.


----------



## DanYo

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here 
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal 
injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, 
no other excuses whatsoever!' 
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and 
asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering 
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When 
silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, 
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to 
write the exam with your other hand.'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

-Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
-A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
-Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher….
-Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots….Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
-Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.


----------



## Grumpy

Seven retired Italian Floridian guys were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" 
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!" 
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." 
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.


----------



## Grumpy

The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it's true!
She pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view..
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' her,
And send her back to me.


----------



## JJohnston

There are probably TSA agents watching that video and saying, "Damn straight!"


----------



## Grumpy

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. 
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" 
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. 
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. 
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. 
He could golf with the pros. 
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. 
He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. 
He remembered everybody's birthday. 
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. 
Not like me. 
I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. 
But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. 
But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. 
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; 
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. 
He was the perfect man! 
He never made a mistake. 
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. 
How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.

He died.

I'm married to his *@#$%^&* widow."


----------



## NoThanks

A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.


----------



## DrDirt

Fine song for us aging and wider versions of our younger selves.


----------



## DrDirt

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, "I have some really great news! I'm pregnant!!!"

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said

"Well, I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"


----------



## Dal300

Silly Sally went to the doctors office and the doctor told her she was pregnant.

But Silly Sally Just laughed and laughed…...

She knew she wasn't married!

Silly Sally came into the office one day and said a man with a gun in the elevator told her to take off all her clothes.

But Silly Sally just laughed and laughed…...

She knew they wouldn't fit him!


----------



## DanYo

1951


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Silly Sally was in the shower one day and a man crawled through the window and got in there with her.

But Silly Sally just laughed and laughed……

She knew there was only one bar of soap!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
Blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD'S.
A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
Bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
Hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
Bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
Beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times.
The next time , the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
Her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
Moaning and groaning.
'Why do you let the bartender do it and Not me?'
'Because he has….........
A LICKER LICENSE!


----------



## DanYo

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to
the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get
to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed
in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at
me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says 'Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on
the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep.
It Works Every Time!


----------



## Grumpy

STORY OF THE BAGPIPER???

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow 
that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral 
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family 
or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova 
Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a 
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently 
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was 
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.The 
workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. 
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I 
wept, we all wept together.When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 
twenty years."


----------



## DanYo

*Aardvaark walks into a bar. Barman says: 'Why the long face?'*


----------



## DanYo

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." 
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" 
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love and juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


----------



## patron

HERE'S SOME "COWBOY WISDOM" FOR OUR FANS…WHICH ONE IS YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE TO LIVE BY ? THESE QUOTES JUST MAKE GOOD OLD FASHIONED SENSE !
With the new year only a few days away, it's time to look at some Cowboy Wisdom that will help all of us live the best life we can in the coming year. One of our favorite quotes that can be applied to our service members who have faced very difficult circumstances in the combat zones is this one by John Wayne: "Courage is being scared to death - and saddling up anyway."

So here's to more Cowboy Wisdom to live by:
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Talk slowly, think quickly.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
It's better to be a has-been that a never-was.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' himdo it are two entirely different propositions.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'til they get thumped.(Character shows up best when tested.)
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, shouldn't it follow that cowboys would be deranged?
There never was a horse that couldn't be rode;
Never was a cowboy who couldn't be throwed.
John Wayne
"Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much." 
Reportedly, this quote was an acting tip from John Wayne to fellow actor Michael Caine.
"Any man who'd make an X-rated movie ought to have to take his daughter to see it." 
"Courage is being scared to death - and saddling up anyway." 
Inscription on Mr. Wayne's headstone: 
"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learnt something from yesterday." 
Roy Rogers
"When my time comes, just skin me and put me up there on Trigger, just as though nothing had ever changed." 
Jack Sorenson
Jack Sorenson is a renowned Western artist, and a best-selling artist for Leanin' Tree, America's largest Western-themed greeting card company. He grew up on his father's dude ranch and movie set in Texas. 
"I didn't have the guts to become an artist, I had the ignorance." 
"...God gave me my talent and I was afraid of facing him one day if I didn't use it."


----------



## Dal300

*Patron*
I learned another one growing up:
If there are 3 guys riding in a pickup truck, which is the real cowboy?
Answer: The one in the middle.
He doesn't have to drive and he doesn't have to get out to open and close the gates.

(He also can pass gas and even if the others do it, he'll get fresh air from the opposite window).


----------



## Grumpy

Merry Christmas from 'down under'


----------



## gfadvm

David, I'm proud to be a cowboy. Thanks for sharing those words of wisdom and have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!


----------



## Grumpy

A farmer went to town to do some shopping
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact,my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dusty56

that poor old Ford !


----------



## Grumpy

The Toilet Seat
> 
>A wife had been after hubby for several weeks to varnish the 
> wooden seat on our toilet.
> Finally, he got around to doing it while she was out. 
> After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she
returned. 
> She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the 
> shower, she sat on the toilet.
> As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy 
> paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
> About that time, he got home and realized her predicament. They both 
> pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
> Finally, in desperation, he undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped 
> a sheet around herself.
> He drove her to the hospital emergency room. 
> The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free 
> her
> (Try to get a mental picture of this.). she tried to lighten the 
> embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've 
> never seen anything like this before." 
> The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them…... I just 
> never saw one mounted and framed.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron




----------



## Dal300




----------



## Grumpy

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!


----------



## patron

NOTE

The US standard railroad gauge is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for! an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story…

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is bout as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
*
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.*


----------



## Dark_Lightning

They should have had bigger horses! Why didn't they plan ahead? lol


----------



## woodsmithshop

WHILE ON A ROAD TRIP, AN ELDERLY COUPLE, STOPPED AT PIZZA HUT FOR LUNCH.

AFTER FINISHING THEIR MEAL, THEY LEFT THE RESTAURANT, AND RESUMED THEIR
TRIP TO PHOENIX.

WHEN LEAVING, THE ELDERLY WOMAN UNKNOWINGLY LEFT HER GLASSES ON THE
TABLE, AND SHE DIDN'T MISS THEM UNTIL THEY HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR ABOUT
FORTY MINUTES.

BY THEN, TO ADD TO THE AGGRAVATION, THEY HAD TO TRAVEL QUITE A DISTANCE
BEFORE THEY COULD FIND A PLACE TO TURN AROUND, IN ORDER TO RETURN TO 
THE RESTAURANT TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES.

ALL THE WAY BACK, THE ELDERLY HUSBAND BECAME THE CLASSIC GROUCHY OLD
MAN.

HE FUSSED AND COMPLAINED,AND SCOLDED HIS WIFE RELENTLESSLY DURING THE
ENTIRE RETURN DRIVE. THE MORE HE CHIDED HER, THE MORE AGITATED HE
BECAME. HE JUST WOULDN'T LET UP FOR A SINGLE MINUTE.

TO HER RELIEF, THEY FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE RESTAURANT. AS THE WOMAN GOT
OUT OF THE CAR, AND HURRIED INSIDE TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES, THE OLD
GEEZER YELLED TO HER :

"WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET MY HAT AND THE CREDIT
CARD."

THIS COMING WEEK IS NATIONAL SENIOR MENTAL HEALTH WEEK.

YOU CAN DO YOUR PART BY REMEMBERING TO CONTACT AT LEAST ONE UNSTABLE
SENIOR TO SHOW YOU CARE.. I HAVE NOW DONE MY PART.


----------



## bobro

> NOTE
> 
> The US standard railroad gauge is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
> 
> Why was that gauge used?
> 
> Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
> 
> Why did the English build them like that?
> 
> Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
> 
> Why did "they" use that gauge then?
> 
> Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
> 
> Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
> 
> Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
> 
> So who built those old rutted roads?
> 
> Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
> 
> And the ruts in the roads?
> 
> Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
> 
> The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for! an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever
> 
> So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
> 
> Now the twist to the story…
> 
> When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
> 
> The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is bout as wide as two horses' behinds.
> 
> So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
> *
> And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.*
> 
> - patron


Brilliant, thanks.


----------



## Grumpy

Horse's ass indeed David. 
I wonder if the space shuttle is left or right hand drive?. LOL


----------



## Grumpy

An elderly couple is attending church. 
About halfway through, 
the Wife leans over and says to her husband, 
'I just let out a silent fart;
What do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'


----------



## DanYo

"faster, mommy, i'm sure this is completely safe." -every baby born before 1982.


----------



## patron

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day;

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week);

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night;

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo;

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you;

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days;

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need hanging? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience;

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them;

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you're on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life;

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge!


----------



## BJODay

Does the cruise line have 220 for the planer?


----------



## Grumpy

(one from Andy)
.
My Wife is missing..

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:

Husband : - My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant : - What is her height? 
Husband: - Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five feet tall.

Sergeant : - Weight? 
Husband: - Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : - Color of eyes? 
Husband : - Never noticed. Blue, I think.

Sergeant : - Color of hair? 
Husband : - Changes a couple times a year . ... . maybe reddish.

Sergeant : - What was she wearing? 
Husband: - Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant : - What kind of car did she go in? 
Husband : - She went in my truck.

Sergeant : - What kind of truck was it? 
Husband : - Brand new 2014 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 21 channel CB radio, 6 cup holders, 4 power outlets, custom "Bubba" floor mats, trailering package with gold hitch. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. 
The Sergeant took notes in detail. 
At this point the husband started tearing up.

Sergeant: - Don't worry…....We'll find your truck.


----------



## Grumpy

David, come and join the 'Princess' club. My wife and I are already members. Definitely recommend it. 
Come on down and see the land 'Down Under'


----------



## Grumpy

Both 220v & 110v.


----------



## DanYo

If you take a picture of your self, sitting on a shelf, is it a shelfie?


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron

sounds good grumpy
do they have any girls like these
i like a spunky lady









oh yea
send some of that funny money you guys use there
i don't have any with a queen on it


----------



## patron

been there done that dan
forgot to put the spacer on the trimmer


----------



## Grumpy

Whats that, a mohawk in reverse?. LOL


----------



## patron

i called mine a *'nohawk'*


----------



## Grumpy

Must be catching on!


----------



## Grumpy

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else
he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." 
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey
did?" 

:


----------



## DanYo

http://www.newser.com/story/200926/teen-mom-star-posts-images-of-lip-surgery-gone-wrong.html


----------



## oldnovice

Must be British, "stiff upper lip"!


----------



## Grumpy

An Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that reflects on the first action etc

A company CEO tells his secretary:
"Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements."

The secretary calls her husband: 
"Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."

The husband calls his lover: 
"My wife is going abroad for a week, let's spend it together…"

The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children: 
"Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."

One of the kids went to his grandfather and said: 
"Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."

The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her: 
"My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."

The secretary calls her husband: 
"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."

The husband calls his lover: 
"We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."

The lover tells the kids: 
"My problem was solved, school is back on."

The kid goes to the grandfather: 
"Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."

The CEO calls his secretary: 
"My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad"

The secretary calls her husband….


----------



## Picklehead

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started…


----------



## DanYo

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nuttin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy
.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron

DOG NAMED "SEX" CAUSES PLENTY OF LAUGHS
Dear Ann Landers: In August 1988, you printed a bit of comic material that had been sent to you by a friend in Washington, D.C. You said, "The author is unknown." The piece I refer to was about a dog named Sex.
I am the person who wrote it. Will you kindly acknowledge this in your column? Sincerely yours - - - Morty /Storm. Brooklyn, New York.

DEAR MORTY: It is my pleasure to give credit where credit is due. The piece was hilarious. I'm sure my readers who have seen it will enjoy it again. Those who haven't are in for a laugh. Here is: A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex" He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. "But you hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that's not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.


----------



## Grumpy

Mick and Paddy

Sean died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy; the three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Sean'

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Paddy in to identify of the body. Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Sean'

'How can you tell?' the mortician asked,

Paddy said, 'Well, Sean had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say 'There goes Sean with them two assholes.'


----------



## Grumpy

Here's irrefutable proof that the right woman can bring Balance and Stability to a man's life..
.
.
.
One from Andy


----------



## Bluepine38

Reminds this old man of Bob Hope in "Paleface", when the they lassoed the axle of the missing wheel 
from within the vehicle and drove off.


----------



## DanYo

NEWSER) - Donald Trump says his Palm Beach estate and private club is one of the most important structures in the country-but it's being destroyed by vengeful airport authorities. In a $100 million lawsuit, the tycoon claims that the county-run airport has been "motivated by personal animosity towards Donald Trump" to redirect air traffic over the Mar-a-Lago estate, damaging the 1927 club building through "excessive, unreasonable, unwarranted, and uninvited noise, vibrations, fumes, pollution, and residue," CNN reports.

The lawsuit claims airport director Bruce Pelly's "deliberate and malicious" routing of air traffic over the estate is revenge for Trump's 1995 lawsuit over airport noise. "It's doing tremendous damage to the No. 1 landmark in the state of Florida, between the vibration, the soot, the noise, all of these elements," Trump tells the AP. To add insult to injury, Trump says, even his own Boeing 757 has to fly over the estate, where he has a home. The Palm Beach County Attorney's Office had no comment on the lawsuit.


----------



## madts

Poor baby!


----------



## Grumpy

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party. 
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. 
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: 
Dear Sir, 
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. 
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note 
Dear Sir, 
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really 
incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. 
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: 
Dear Sir, 
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. 
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up where the sun doesn't shine and go as a toffee apple.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.
> He doesn t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
> A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
> Dear Sir,
> Please find enclosed a Pirate s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
> The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note
> Dear Sir,
> Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really
> incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
> So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
> Dear Sir,
> Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
> We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up where the sun doesn t shine and go as a toffee apple.
> 
> - Grumpy


Now that there is quite funny! As a side note, I expect to have an Aussie visitor in a few weeks. I have some Guinness in store for him, but it is in cans. Should I stock up ahead of his visit with bottles? If that doesn't work, I'll have to go buy some Foster's lager, which I wouldn't drink; I'd give him Budweiser first. Enquiring minds want to know!


----------



## Bluepine38

Dark, you are overthinking the problem. Even California should have some good small breweries. Check the
yellow pages and spend a few pleasant days selecting the best breweries, when your guest arrives, just take
him to the brewery and let him select his own drink. Please remember to bring a designated driver.


----------



## Grumpy

DL, I would give him the local 'Bud'. I wouldn't thouch Fosters either. 
I don't know anybody that does. We export it because nobody at home drinks it. LOL
Guinness in a tin is a sin mate, on tap is a rap.


----------



## racerglen

Innes and Gunn, then the best the local brewer has to offer…


----------



## SCOTSMAN

A very large man is arrested for having sex in an alley way with a little midget lady.It comes to court and when the juge sees the difference in height he imediately questions the whole thing .After all he said they could not lie down and the alley way was very narrow.
One of the police said your honour there was a bucket nearby maybe she stood on the bucket to come up to his height.This was duly tried when a bucket was brought into the court room,but even with the midget standing on the bucket it was still not nearly high enough for sex to have occured standing up.He immediately dismissed the case.On the way out the cop asked the tall guy tell me how you did it I know you did and the trial is over you can tell me now.Well said the big guy it was easy really she put the bucket over my head and swung from the handle..Alistair easy when you know how.


----------



## SCOTSMAN

. Is this Russias answer to the kardashians.? Alistair


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"


----------



## gfadvm

David, I didn't see that one coming!


----------



## Grumpy

Me either, I was 'braced' for something different . LOL


----------



## Grumpy

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford-Smith
International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying
weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer
to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three
sides to every triangle." 
When asked to comment on the arrest, Federal Opposition Leader Bill Shorten
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes." 
Fellow Labor colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

http://www.bu2z.com/v/petard-dans-bouse-de-vache


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

*A Dilemma…..*

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, "WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A 
DILEMMA?"

THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO 
ILLUSTRATE THAT."

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED 
YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER."

"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"


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## stephenward

Nice one guys!!!!


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## Grumpy

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'


----------



## Grumpy

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds' an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'


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## DanYo




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## Grumpy

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back!'


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## DanYo




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## Grumpy




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## Grumpy




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## DanYo

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


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## DanYo




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## DanYo




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## Grumpy




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## DanYo




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## Grumpy

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -
he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?


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## DIYaholic

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." 
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" 
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was…
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like…Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"


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## patron

In a South American mining district Mrs. Brown presented her 
husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted 
that he went to the News office and told that he had found a 
12 pound nugget of gold as good as any to be found in South 
America. The paper, naturally, sent a reporter to get 
particulars. This is what happened: 
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown live here? 
Mrs. Brown: He does. 
Reporter: Is he in? 
Mrs. Brown: No he isn't. 
Reporter: I understand he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds. 
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes. 
Reporter: Can you show me the exact location where it was found? 
Mrs. Brown: I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private. 
Reporter: Is the hole far from here? 
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite handy. 
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long? 
Mrs. Brown: Almost ten months. 
Reporter: Was Mr. Brown the first to work it? 
Mrs. Brown: He thought he was. 
Reporter: Was the work difficult? 
Mrs. Brown: It was at first but easier after the shaft opened. 
Reporter: Is the water plentiful? 
Mrs. Brown: Yes, sufficient to carry on the work. 
Reporter: Has he gotten to the bottom yet? 
Mrs. Brown: No, but quite near it. 
Reporter: Do you think there are any more nuggets? 
Mrs. Brown: Yes, if the claim is properly worked. 
Reporter: Has he worked it since he found the nugget? 
Mrs. Brown: No, but I told him it was time to start. 
Reporter: Do you help him? 
Mrs. Brown: I do my level best. 
Reporter: Do you think he will sell the claim? 
Mrs. Brown: No, he finds too much pleasure in working it himself. 
Reporter: Can I see the nugget? 
Mrs. Brown: Certainly. 
She brought the baby in for inspection. The embarrassed 
reporter departed very quickly.


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## Grumpy

Very funny David.
.


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## Grumpy




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## gfadvm

David, Good one!

Grumpy, Love the roo pic!


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## Grumpy

Thanks Gfadvm. He does look contented.


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## patron

A kid's view on marriage

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That's what I'll do….I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old


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## gfadvm

Will had my favorite answer!


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## Grumpy




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## TopamaxSurvivor

> The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
> 
> "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I m just a kid. I don t need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old
> 
> - patron


Gives me a headache too. I'm too old to be thinking about that stuff. Will is right about the trouble thing ;-)


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## Grumpy




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## DanYo

The Origin of the Internet according to the Bible:

- HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE -
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder, and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" 
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." 
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." 
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." 
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it because it's the truth


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## patron




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## Grumpy

Google on Danny boy


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## Magnum




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## Magnum




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## Magnum




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## Magnum




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## Magnum




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## Magnum




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## Grumpy

(You can blame Andy for this one)
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 
' Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'

> The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't

because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 
'Geez, all I can smell is…

MOL ASSES !


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## Grumpy

BORDER PATROL ALERT
.
The British Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal 
immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.

If you see the vehicle, pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are
urged to contact your local police.


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## DanYo




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## DanYo




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## DanYo




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## DanYo




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## patron

True truths.

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand . . . you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever-so far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…

29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.


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## DanYo




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## Picklehead

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc….

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull********************."


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## gfadvm

> I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
> 
> Without skipping a beat she said, "It s Presidents Day!"
> 
> She s smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"
> 
> I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc….
> 
> She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull********************."
> 
> - Picklehead


Excellent!!!


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## DrDirt

I will be posting telepathically today…

So if you think of something funny..

That was me!


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## DrDirt




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## Dal300




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## TopamaxSurvivor

The Blonde and the Lord

A Blonde girl wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she took off for the ice. 
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. 
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. 
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. 
The voice came once more:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied:

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"


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## woodsmithshop

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima .'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.' ...
'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding in agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones .'

The argument continued until the Marine comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says…... 'The Marines invented sex!'

The Sailor replies, 'That is true, but it was the Navy who introduced it to women.'


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Heh… Why are there Marines on Navy ships?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Sheep would be too obvious. A Marine told me that one!

J/K, and I want to thank all you Marines for your service. US Navy, 1972-1976


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## DanYo

Subject: Fwd: Catholic Gasoline….

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street..

One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic' !!


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## Grumpy




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## Grumpy




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## Grumpy




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## patron




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## Grumpy




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## Grumpy




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## GaryC




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## NoThanks




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## BigJerryWayne

If Fifty Shades Of Grey Was Written By A Man.

1. At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

2. Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

3. 'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here.'

4. Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

5. As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle 3.'

6. 'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.

7. Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

8. 'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'

9. She leaned over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'

10. She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

11. They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

12. 'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

13. Her body trembled and shook.'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

14. 'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?'

15. 'Hurt me!' she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'

16. 'Stick it right up there,' she said, 'I want to remember this!' I did, then I patted it firmly. You can't be too careful with Post-it notes.

17. My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.

18. 'I'm a bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Alright,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

19. 'I want it now against this wall!' she ordered, 'And keep it up as long as possible.' 'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know how to put up a shelf.'

20. As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'Alright,' I replied, and punched the waiter.

21. The bed shook, creaked and rattled as she gripped the headboard and screamed out my name. It was at this point we were asked to leave Ikea.

22. 'I'm a bad girl,' she moaned as she bent over my workbench, 'I deserve to be punished.' 'Very well,' I said, and cancelled her credit card.

23. 'You make my panties so wet!' she squirmed. 'Don't blame me' I said 'You should've taken them off the line before I turned on the sprinkler'

24. 'It's so long!' she squealed, 'I don't think it's going to fit!' 'Sorry' I said 'But it isn't easy saying what you want in 140 characters.'

25. As soon as I closed the door, the sparks really began to fly. I guess she was right about not putting baked bean tins in the microwave.

26. 'I'll do anything you wish!' she cried as she stood naked before me. 'OK' I said 'Could you move to the left a bit so I can watch Top Gear?'

27. 'So,' she asked, 'Have you suffered enough?' 'Yes!' I cried, desperately, 'No more emails with pictures of kittens wearing hats!'

28. She said she liked it doggy style so I threw her a stick. Still waiting . . .

29. Her body tensed as she moved up and down the length of the shaft. Up and down, up and down. It was like she'd never used a lift before.

30. 'I need a real man and I need him now!' she cried. 'Here I am,' I said eagerly. 'Good,' she said, 'Now, get the top off this pickle jar.'


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## Grumpy




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## Dal300




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## Grumpy

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. 
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. 
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: 
"Kris, Kris, can you hear me?" 
"Is that you, Frank?" 
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed." 
"That's wonderful! What's it like?" 
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud-lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again". 
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?" 
"No-I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."


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## TheDane

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.


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## DanYo




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## waho6o9

Thanks for the laugh Gerry!


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## Grumpy




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## TheDane

Perfect gift for the golfer …








... even comes with a 'Do Not Disturb' sign!


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## gamygeezer

Top 10 Things Men Understand About Women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


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## gamygeezer

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The
woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked
in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed
my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You Might have gotten disability, too.'


----------



## Grumpy

another good one from Andy
.
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news…."

The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first?"

The lawyer says: "Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million."

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done…very good news indeed!

You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you with your secretary."


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## gamygeezer

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at
the counter, one tourist asked a blonde employee, "Before we order,
could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce
where we are… very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, 
Kiiiiing."


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## Grumpy




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## gamygeezer

In recognition of current weather conditions:

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Water freezes.
30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees - Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably.
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees - French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees - German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don't start.
-25 degrees - Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath.
Swedish cars don't start.
-40 degrees - Californians disappear.
Minnesotans button top button.
Canadians put on sweater.
Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 degrees - Polar bears move South.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 - degrees - Hell freezes over.
Clinton finally tells all.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dal300




----------



## Grumpy

The Therapist…

After 39 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on:
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, an entire shopping list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he
embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with
a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays,
...............But, I golf on Wednesdays."


----------



## DanYo

There were two men painting a church and they were getting to the end of the job and they were starting to run out of paint.

Since they were using latex paint (water soluble), they decided to water it down to make it last. They added some water and finished the job. It didn't look real good so they decided to thin it out a bit more and go over it again.

Where upon they heard a voice from on high that said "repaint and thin no more!".


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

Old but Good

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.

The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.










The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."










"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man….

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."


----------



## gamygeezer

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.


----------



## Bluepine38

That depends on whether the wrinkles are on you or in momentary lack of sense you verbally told a
irritable person of the opposite sex that she was old and wrinkled.


----------



## dawsonbob

What you're saying then, Bluepine, is that my wrinkles might not hurt me, but telling her about hers could get me hurt. Or, as is the punch line to a number of jokes "he never heard the shot."


----------



## Dal300

Woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself…......"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."


----------



## gamygeezer

The Lumberjack

A large, well established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head
lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," begged the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there? Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and five minutes later he returned to tell the head lumberjack that he
had successfully cut the tree down.

The head lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like
that?" he asked the little man.

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the little man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man grinned and replied, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"


----------



## DanYo

*Food
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa… 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and
softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'*


----------



## Grumpy

SAID LIKE A TRUE SCOT!

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek..

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a
few seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dal300




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## cdarney

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ….He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said:" How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

" What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me …. I'm celebrating"

" It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence" said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: " What are you celebrating?"

" My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

"What a coincidence!" said the man. " I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. "

"This is awesome" said the woman. " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

" I used a different rooster " the farmer said.

The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"


----------



## DrDirt

Old Ole was walking home late at night, though the park.
He sees a woman in the shadow

"Twenty Dollars" she whispers

He's neve been with a hooker before, so he figures, "what the heck!! it is only 20 bucks"

So they hide in the bushes and are going fast and furious for a couple of minutes when a 
light flashes on them.

It's a policeman. "what is going on here?" demands the cop

"Iz making luff to me wive!" Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop. "I didn't know"

"Vell," Ole says, 
"I didn't know either until you flashed that damn light on her face!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

Dangers of a Catholic Upbringing
.
.
,

As I walked down a busy street, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds (you know, tattered clothing, long hair etc)that are found in every town these days.
..
.
.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them…
.
.

Recalling my old parish priest, Father Mike, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
.
.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
.
.
.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
.
.

A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.









.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

So I did…


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## cdarney

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."...
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer." 
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?" 
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off… kills the flowers,
you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?' So now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers and every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I grab hold of it and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.'" 
"That seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" 
"Not everybody pays."


----------



## patron

Two guys in their mid-twenties are sitting at a bar having a beer. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man, you really look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time, three, four, even six times a night, every night. She wakes me up at all hours. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 65, sitting a couple of stools down overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that nonsense."


----------



## Grumpy

Neil Armstrong…..... Priceless!

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on
the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one
small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were
televised to earth and heard by millions, but just before he
re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark :-

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." 
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark
concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what
the - 'good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong 
always just smiled.
was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend 
hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour's yard by their 
bedroom window.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa bay, Florida , while answering
questions, following a speech, a reporter brought up the 
26-year-old question about Mr Gorsky to Armstrong.
This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died,
so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question.
Here is the answer to Who was Mr Gorsky?>

in 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town , he

His neighbours were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down
to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky,

"Sex! You want Sex?! You'll get Sex when the kid next door
walks on the moon!"


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Dan um Style


Guh, Anti-Vaxxers. Complete misunderstanding of medical science! It would seem that the success of vaccine technology is causing this problem. Sorry, and I hope it doesn't derail this excellent thread.


----------



## Grumpy

NEVER PISS OFF A NURSE

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed
them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital
staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She
came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally
settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his
behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed
under his breath as he heard people walking past his door,
laughing…..

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed….. "Not with a Daffodil." 
=========================================


----------



## patron




----------



## GregKW

That is an interesting fact Patron… nice


----------



## Grumpy

Patron, I think someone is having a lend of you. 
Condoms have been around for at least 400 years and possibly longer. Well before European settlement in NZ & Aussie. 
There are a few stories about New Zealanders & sheep that I dare not share. LOL
.


----------



## patron

all i know 
is i found it on the net

so it must be true

now i have to relearn everything it seems


----------



## TheDane

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out… she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

(Thanks Andy)
.
> > If you share this with your spouse or any woman, please remember - "you did
> > not get this from me." 
> > 
> > On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife were listening to the
> > radio during breakfast. 
> > 
> > They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
> > today. 
> > 
> > You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow
> > plows can get through conveniently". 
> > 
> > So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed. 
> > 
> > A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
> > said, 
> > 
> > "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
> > the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." 
> > 
> > The good wife went out and moved her car again. 
> > 
> > The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer
> > says,
> > 
> > "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. 
> > 
> > You must park. . . " Then the power went off. . . . . . . .! 
> > 
> > The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
> > "I don't know what to do. 
> > 
> > Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get
> > through?" 
> > 
> > Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are
> > married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband
> > replied, 
> > 
> > "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"


----------



## Grumpy

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time

for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a

trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time."

said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew

from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and

chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the

watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family
for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting:
"Watch the watch-- Watch the watch--Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"********************" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Centre and

Claude was never invited there again.


----------



## Dusty56

Excellent, Grumpy !!! LOL


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."


----------



## cdarney

11 People On A Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter in flight, 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave; otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would 
voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .... . . .

PLEASE SEND THIS TO ALL INTELLIGENT WOMEN, and to your men friends for education purposes.


----------



## Grumpy

Baptizing an Irishman

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -

but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## waho6o9

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.

He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.

I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful.
The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "No point asking about the beard then."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

Dan, *outstanding* post in #1749!


----------



## patron

At breakfast, the wife says to her husband, "What would you do if I won the Lotto."

"I'd take my half and leave you" he says.

Great she says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."


----------



## patron

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breast at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you & learn to live with your

Infant size winky.'

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the

honeymoon.

Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started

touching teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is …. 6 pounds, 10 ounces, 19 inches long.'

-


----------



## Grumpy

Priest and Pilot

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

The guy replies, 'I' am Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 
'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'


----------



## Grumpy

A bookie was at the 
> races playing the ponies and all but losing his
> shirt. 
> 
> He 
> noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the
> forehead of one of 
> the horses lining up for the 4th race.
> 
> Lo and behold, that 
> horse - a long shot - won the race. 
> 
> Next race, as 
> the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. 
> Sure enough, he 
> blessed one of the horses. 
> 
> The bookie made a 
> beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the
> horse. Again, 
> even though it was another long shot, the horse won the
> race.
> 
> 
> He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which
> horse the 
> Priest would bles
> s next. 
> 
> He bet big on it, and it 
> won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing
> horses, and each 
> one ended up winning. The bookie was elated. 
> 
> He made a quick 
> dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for
> the Priest's 
> blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on….
> 
> 
> True to his pattern, 
> the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and
> blessed the forehead 
> of an old nag that was 100/1. 
> 
> This time the priest 
> blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The
> bookie knew he had a 
> winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
> 
> He 
> watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and
> couldn't even finish the 
> race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where
> the Priest 
> was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What
> happened? 
> 
> 
> All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in 
> the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a
> chance. Now, thanks to 
> you I've lost every cent of my savings!'
> 
> The Priest nodded 
> wisely and said with sympathy. "You are not Catholic
> are you my 
> son?" 
> "No, I'm a > Protestant" 
> "Ah, That's the problem", said the Priest,
> "you > couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites!" 
>


----------



## DanYo

***Little Thelma's Valentine…

Little Thelma came home from first grade and told her father that they had learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asked, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thought a bit, then said "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"The ISIS terrorists," she said.

"Why the ISIS terrorists?" her father asked in shock.

"Well," she said, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give the terrorists a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to the terrorists, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved us and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Though sceptical of the idea, her father's heart swelled and he looked at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma said, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the ******************** out of them!"


----------



## DIYaholic




----------



## gfadvm

Good one Randy!


----------



## DanYo

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's…. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." 
_.,.__

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dal300




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. 
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. 
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. 
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY… I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. " 
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. 
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" 
.
.
BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!" 
.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


One of my friends pointed out a marquee like that many years ago- it said:

"Now Appearing"

"Coming Attraction"

He wanted to know if I had ever heard of the band "Coming Attraction"! LoL


----------



## Bud_3

> You have to be old enough to remember *Abbott and Costello*, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…
> 
> If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, Who s on First? might have turned out something like this:
> 
> COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
> 
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
> 
> COSTELLO: Thanks I m setting up an office in my den and I m thinking about buying a computer.
> 
> ABBOTT: Mac?
> 
> COSTELLO: No, the name s Lou.
> 
> ABBOTT: Your computer?
> 
> COSTELLO: I don t own a computer. I want to buy one.
> 
> ABBOTT: Mac?
> 
> COSTELLO: I told you, my name s Lou.
> 
> ABBOTT: What about Windows?
> 
> COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
> 
> ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
> 
> COSTELLO: I don t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
> 
> ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
> 
> COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
> 
> ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
> 
> COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
> 
> ABBOTT: Office.
> 
> COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
> 
> ABBOTT: I just did.
> 
> COSTELLO: You just did what?
> 
> ABBOTT: Recommend something.
> 
> COSTELLO: You recommended something?
> 
> ABBOTT: Yes.
> 
> COSTELLO: For my office?
> 
> ABBOTT: Yes.
> 
> COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
> 
> ABBOTT: Office.
> 
> COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
> 
> ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
> 
> COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let s just say I m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
> 
> ABBOTT: Word.
> 
> COSTELLO: What word?
> 
> ABBOTT: Word in Office.
> 
> COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
> 
> ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
> 
> COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
> 
> ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W .
> 
> COSTELLO: I m going to click your blue w if you don t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
> 
> ABBOTT: Money.
> 
> COSTELLO: That s right. What do you have?
> 
> ABBOTT: Money.
> 
> COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
> 
> ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
> 
> COSTELLO: What s bundled with my computer?
> 
> ABBOTT: Money.
> 
> COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
> 
> ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
> 
> COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
> 
> ABBOTT: One copy.
> 
> COSTELLO: Isn t it illegal to copy money?
> 
> ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
> 
> COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
> 
> ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
> 
> (A few days later)
> 
> ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
> 
> COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
> 
> ABBOTT: Click on START …..........
> 
> - Grumpy


Good version.LOL


----------



## Bud_3

I will tell one fast.
A woman takes the train at rush hour.Being very busy ask the place of a gentleman : 
-Hi!I am pregnant and i am very tired,can i have your place?
The gentleman give respectful his place to this women.After some time examining her asks:
-Sorry Mrs.,in what month you are because you don't look pregnant?The Mrs. answer:
-No more than 30 minutes and i think i already said that i am very tired .


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" 
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled outa crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight,
sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:

"Go look in the garage."


----------



## Bud_3

> With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
> She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled outa crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.
> 
> He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
> She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
> 
> "No I haven t" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
> 
> She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight,
> sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
> 
> He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
> "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
> 
> "No way" he said, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
> 
> "Go look in the garage."
> 
> - patron


Nice one.
One similar:
An old man walking through the park sits on a bench near a super girl.
she asks:
-If you give me 100$ i will show you one breast.
happy,the old man gives her.she asks again:
_If you give me 200$ i will show you the second breast.
happy,the old man gives her.now he asks :
_If i will give you 300$ you show me where you made the appendicitis surgery?
she answer:
-Sure,in hospital from city center.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.

She is speaking in a cheery voice,

"Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful I'm so happy for you.

That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Bud_3

A guy with his mistress in bed … at some point someone calls at the door.
Mistress:be calm,it's my husband but i will solve this.
He goes to open the door and says:
- Oh, baby! Good that you came … carry the garbage to the trash,please! puts garbage pail in husband hands … husband leaves.
The guy go down the stairs quietly and fast … he get home,call to the door,open his wife:
- Oh, baby! How good of you to come!..carry the garbage to the trash! ...

(...ouch…)


----------



## Picklehead

> A guy with his mistress in bed … at some point someone calls at the door.
> Mistress:be calm,it s my husband but i will solve this.
> He goes to open the door and says:
> - Oh, baby! Good that you came … carry the garbage to the trash,please! puts garbage pail in husband hands … husband leaves.
> The guy go down the stairs quietly and fast … he get home,call to the door,open his wife:
> - Oh, baby! How good of you to come!..carry the garbage to the trash! ...
> 
> (...ouch…)
> 
> - Bud_3


WTF?


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

When people ask what you learned today …..

Manure… An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. 
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
<several> , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.


----------



## Dal300

You ladies and gents will never know how much of this get's shared on Facebook, Bwahahahaha!


----------



## Bud_3

> A guy with his mistress in bed … at some point someone calls at the door.
> Mistress:be calm,it s my husband but i will solve this.
> He goes to open the door and says:
> - Oh, baby! Good that you came … carry the garbage to the trash,please! puts garbage pail in husband hands … husband leaves.
> The guy go down the stairs quietly and fast … he get home,call to the door,open his wife:
> - Oh, baby! How good of you to come!..carry the garbage to the trash! ...
> 
> (...ouch…)
> 
> - Bud_3
> 
> WTF?
> 
> - Picklehead


confused?


----------



## Bud_3

> You ladies and gents will never know how much of this get s shared on Facebook, Bwahahahaha!
> 
> - Dallas


I'll consider this thread a little facebook.


----------



## Picklehead

> A guy with his mistress in bed … at some point someone calls at the door.
> Mistress:be calm,it s my husband but i will solve this.
> He goes to open the door and says:
> - Oh, baby! Good that you came … carry the garbage to the trash,please! puts garbage pail in husband hands … husband leaves.
> The guy go down the stairs quietly and fast … he get home,call to the door,open his wife:
> - Oh, baby! How good of you to come!..carry the garbage to the trash! ...
> 
> (...ouch…)
> 
> - Bud3
> 
> WTF?
> 
> - Picklehead
> 
> confused?
> 
> - Bud3


Always.


----------



## Dal300




----------



## DrDirt

A man was laying on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no Legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bud_3

A shipwrecked with a wooden leg reach an island inhabited by cannibals. Captured and taken in front of tribal chieftain he is asked:
- Who ate you before me ???


----------



## Grumpy

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing.

I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office…

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked him, '..And where do you think you're going?!' 
.
.
.
He said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark .


----------



## dawsonbob

Subject: RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that "No, I don't have a dog; I was starting the Purina Diet again." I added that I probably shouldn't, 'cause last time I ended up in the hospital, but that I'd lost some 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet . . . that the way it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (Have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me."

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

MAZDA Commercial


----------



## Grumpy

Little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, 
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. 
Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy AAA pppinkk onnee, 
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"


----------



## patron

THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Lordy, no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot. Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise," said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise.'

Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replied, "Denephew."


----------



## DrDirt

A Young Doctor….

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman?How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the older doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.


----------



## DrDirt

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello, is that you, Sarge?"

"Yes"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she'd just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir . . . the floor's still wet."


----------



## DrDirt

Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming….

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the
people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all
retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good
hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## patron




----------



## DanYo

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." 
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ???'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR… THE… LAST… TIME… I SAID … "BRING POSSE"


----------



## DrDirt

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

"But I don't know how to pray," he replied.

"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," said his father.

"Okay", the boy said,".

"Dear Lord,… Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.

Bless them so they won't come again.

Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.

This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry.

And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work. AMEN"
Dinner was canceled.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## patron




----------



## Dal300

Harbor Freight's One day sale:


----------



## DrDirt

Italian woman.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back Italy to secretly have the child.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.
One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turn white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send Extra Sauce!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He Picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a 'period'," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy,

but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack and the boy next door joined the Navy."


----------



## DrDirt

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests, tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US and we know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want,but
surgery is your only option."
proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims."Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Faw off by itself.

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate..!"


----------



## Bud_3

Racism!!


----------



## Bud_3

A question:why people in the west have only one wife?
I wait suggestions!


----------



## NoThanks

> A question:why people in the west have only one wife?
> I wait suggestions!
> 
> - Bud_3


Because cousins don't count?


----------



## Grumpy

Two's company, three's a crowd


----------



## woodsmithshop

who wants more than one mother in law?


----------



## Bud_3

The right answer was :they are protected by law. (I hope to be forgiven by LJ's ladies )


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a 
gas station that was closed for the night. They 
approached one of the gas pumps and the younger 
alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. 
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated 
his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Angry at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his 
ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. 
We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 
'You probably don't want to do that! 
I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed 
his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. 
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the 
younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, 
smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained 
consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened 
his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, 
wiser alien who was standing over him 
shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, 
fried alien. 'He almost killed me! 
How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler 
on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing 
I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never 
mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his 
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


----------



## DrDirt

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta, Canada.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.

Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store.? Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes……..


----------



## Grumpy

Johnny Carson and Dom DeLuise
Link below









http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/138148


----------



## patron

A man entered the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. 
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked:
'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'


----------



## GaryC

David, that's hilarious


----------



## Dal300




----------



## distrbd




----------



## Bud_3

_One with commercial aspects:
Two sluts die in car accident.
Is required to contract with heaven or hell so both visit the heaven first time.There too much green,no too much people and boring background music.Next visit is to hell.There tables filled with exotic food, fine drink and men with muscle who please women.One of the slut say:
-Girl, here is great,let's sign the contract!
Both sign the contract and are led to the next room.There women drowned in resin.Perplexed
one of the slut ask:
-Mr. tart,before signing the contract we have seen all kind of food,drink and orgy!
The tart reply:
-Yes…but they were the ads!_


----------



## gamygeezer

David, that is like the guy that thought Grape Nuts was some type of sexual transmitted disease.


----------



## TheDane

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."

The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## gfadvm

Very good one Jerry!


----------



## madts

distrbd:
I am sorry that the "what ever" erased you best joke.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

Damn, I never knew my wife has a twin sister!!!!


----------



## Bud_3

> - Grumpy


Good one!The man has right, google don't ironing your shirts and don't make your breakfast!
Now is reading,am am sure his wife its not there.


----------



## Grumpy

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. 
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. 
So he asks, 'Do you know me?' 
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' 
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. 
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, 
with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?' 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No, I'm your son's teacher.'


----------



## patron

WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY!

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass houseÂ should change clothes in basement..

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS also didn't SAY. . ..........

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood !" 
-


----------



## Grumpy

David, you should frame some of them.


----------



## Grumpy

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." 
Silence fell over the congregation..
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots." 
The entire congregation said, "Amen.."


----------



## patron

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that saidr. Geezer'ss clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer'ss clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young:-- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: -- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young:-- Aaagh !!-"This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, - that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --

I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so- " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500…"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!


----------



## Grumpy

These two are remarkable for their age
(see link at bottom)
.








.
http://biggeekdad.com/2012/05/the-jovers/


----------



## NoThanks

^ Love British Humor ! He's pretty strong for an older guy.

Mrs. Brown is hilarious….(here are a couple)


----------



## DrDirt

The Church Lady

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why, yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.

On Tuesday , he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina .

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.

He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast U-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.

He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## TheDane

Old Age …

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And…it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

~

Answering machine message: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.


----------



## TheDane

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer he would listen for a minute then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'


----------



## Grumpy

A Good Hunting Dog

Chester says to Earl "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any 
ducks out in the pond.
If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks 
twice.

Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out 
there".
Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" 
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back
he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out 
there!
Where did you get that dog?" 
Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you 
want one, you can get one from him".
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his 
friend Chester has.
The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out 
and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its 
mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg..
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog 
is a fraud. I want my money back!" 
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. 
So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it 
came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started 
humping his leg.
The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you 
there are more f…..g ducks out there than you can shake a stick 
at".


----------



## BrettUK

Lol Grumpy. I think that just made my day.


----------



## DrDirt

*The value of a # 2 pencil *

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. 
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.. 
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep. 
The Nun asked her a third question…'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.


----------



## saw4fun

Ernie is leaving church when the pastor notices he has 2 black eyes and decides to ask him how he got them. "Well" Erinie says, "While we were singing hymns I noticed the woman in front of me had her dress wedged in her crack so I unwedged it for her and she punched me." Somewhat shocked the pastor says, "I see, but what about the other eye?" " I tucked it back in" says Ernie!


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy
.
I Was in a tavern last night, sitting at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number?! 
I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" 
She said, "I sure do,
I said, "Well, you better get your FAT ASS back into it before the farmer notices you're missing.
My dental surgery is on Monday.


----------



## TheDane

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere.'

The clerk is astonished. 'Your husband's name is Crisco?'

The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public.'

' I see,' said the clerk.'And what do you call him at home?'

'Lard @$$.'


----------



## Bonka

There once was a man from Bass
Who's balls were made of brass
They clanged together
Played Stormy Weather
And lightening shot out of his ass


----------



## DanYo

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..


----------



## DanYo

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the 
difference between "complete" and "finished." 
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in 
London, and attended by some of the best 
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, 
a Guyanese linguist, was the 
presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.
this: Some say there is no difference between 
complete and finished. Please 
explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.
right woman, you are complete. If you marry the wrong 
woman, you are finished. And, if 
the right one catches you with the wrong one, 
you are "Completely finished".

His answer received a five minute standing ovation


----------



## TheDane

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog, Dawson, knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven. "Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are gonna be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot.

"Vhat's the bad news?" asks Ole.

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Vell, I guess dat isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's gonna teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron




----------



## TheDane

Retired Person's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.


----------



## TheDane

Defense Attorney: "Will you please state your age?"

Old Lady: "I am 94 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?"

Old Lady: "There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat down?"

Old Lady: "He started to rub my thigh."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Old Lady: "No, I didn't stop him."

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago."

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Old Lady: "He began to rub all over my body."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Old Lady: "No, I did not stop him."

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Old Lady: "His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!"

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Old Lady: "Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'"

Defense Attorney: "Did he take you?"

Old Lady: "Hell, no! He just yelled, '*April Fool!*' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard."


----------



## DanYo

Ladies and gentlemen….a spring-loaded dick in a box from the 1800s. It made for a great gift
humanity's sense of humour has not progressed much in the last hundred years


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

As we approach the 2016 election year, we must remember that we cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky


----------



## gfadvm

BurlyBob, Good one!


----------



## Grumpy

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. 
.
(Thanks Andy)


----------



## patron

A 75 year old farmer had cut his hand when it was was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle.
While stitching up his hand, the local doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'Post Tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, " When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, now that's a Post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, you know he doesn't belong up there, you know he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, you know he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with!"


----------



## oldnovice

David, that really puts politicians in the proper light!


----------



## Grumpy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After Tom retired, Barb insisted that Tom accompany her on her trips toTarget. 
Unfortunately, like most men, Tom found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, Barb is like most women - she loves
to browse. Yesterday Barb received the following letter from the
local Target:

Dear Mrs. Johnson,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mrs. Johnson, are
listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
minute intervals.
the women's restroom
voice, 'Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't
have a Code 3.
M&Ms on layaway.
carpeted area.
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
look' using different sizes of funnels.
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
he assumed a fetal position and screamed. 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES A
GAIN!'
fitting room is?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly,'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'One of the clerks passed out.


----------



## DrDirt

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" 
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves." 
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."


----------



## DrDirt

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What's happening? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Roy."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Roy."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE…........

LONG SILENCE…......

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

*"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ********************." *


----------



## DrDirt

Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

*#1. What do you put in a toaster? *
>
>
>
>
>

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast', just give up now and go do something else.

If you said, bread, go to Question #2. And, try not to hurt yourself.

*#2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?*

>
>
>
>
>

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. 
Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women's Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say 'water', proceed to Question #3.

*#3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? *

>
>
>
>
>

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks', why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down! But, if you said 'glass,' go on to Question #4.

*#4. Do not use a calculator for this:*

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.

In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.

In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus and 9people get on.

In Windsor, 2 people get off and 4 get on.

In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Bristol, 3 people get off and 5 people get on.

And, in Camden, 6 people get off and 3 get on.

You then arrive at Philadelphia Station.

Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own age?? It was YOU driving the bus


----------



## DrDirt

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Next, I tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it… couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbuck, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED Retirement…AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied,

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

"Beats the ******************** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"


----------



## BurlyBob

Yeah, it does!


----------



## Grumpy

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled 
out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric , I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six 
thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office, it was with the 
boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. "

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman 
sitting next to him had had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, 
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public any longer.


----------



## DanYo

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

So last night the cops came to my house. They knocked on the door and introduced themselves. One asked if I had a girlfriend, I replied I did. They asked if I had a picture of her and if they could see it. So I got it off the shelf and showed them. The senior guy said, "Well, Sir, it appears your girlfriend was hit by a truck." I told them," Yeah, I know, but she's got a good personality and she's a great cook."


----------



## Grumpy

Must be one of the earliest selfies.
.


----------



## patron

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. 
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."


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## DanYo

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff …I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt… So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants… So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts…so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. ''And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist.


----------



## Grumpy




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## dawsonbob

PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with Obama stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!


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## patron

Friends (Ladies) meet 30 years later at a school reunion…..

One goes to take food while the other 3 start talking about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 said her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. Came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz was about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

" Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing well.

" Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends…" .


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## Bonka

Getting rid of Squirrels.

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=squirrel+catapult+youtube&FORM=VIRE1#view=detail&mid=938AE45ABD0F865D0E76938AE45ABD0F865D0E76


----------



## gfadvm

The tree huggers won't approve but I laughed my a$$ off!


----------



## Grumpy

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."


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## Daruc




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## TheDane

Old Age Perks

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run-anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You have to be careful not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.


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## Grumpy




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## Dal300




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## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

*Beethoven (Groaner Alert)*

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.

No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says."He's decomposing."


----------



## oldnovice

*TheDane*, a groaned but it is still funny!
Believe or not, there are some who do not who Beethoven was!


----------



## Grumpy

Aussie joke
A Queensland cow cockie (cowboy) was grazing his herd on the long acre of 
a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand
new and shining 4WD emerges from a dust cloud.
The driver, a bloke in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bolle sunglasses
and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the
farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have
in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 
>>>
The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and
murmurs, "Why not?" 
>>>The well-dressed bloke whips out his notebook, connects it to his
>>>mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
>>>calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get a fix on his location
>>>which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in
>>>an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>>>Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an
>>>imageprocessing facility in Hamburg Germany.��Within seconds, he
>>>receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
>>>processed and the data stored.��Now he accesses a MS-SQL
>>>database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet on his
>>>Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
>>>Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his
>>>hi-tech, miniaturized LaserJet printer, turns to the drover and says,
>>>"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 
>>>That's right." says the farmer.��"Well, I guess you can take one
>>>of my calves," 
>>>And he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the
>>>boot of his car.
>>>"Hey," muses the grazier,��"If I can tell you exactly what you do
>>>for a living, will you give me back the animal?" 
>>>The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 
>>>"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.
>>>"Wow! That's correct!��But how did you guess that?" 
>>>"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here
>>>even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I
>>>already knew, to a question I never asked.��You tried to show me how
>>>much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle.
>>>Now, give me back my bloody dog."


----------



## Grumpy

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" 
"Fred," the old man moaned. 
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, 
Fred replied; "The balcony".......
(One from Andy)


----------



## Grumpy

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry…they turned you down. "


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, where you been ? We been missing you and all the good laughs! Glad your back to brighten our day!

Thanks, 
Bob.


----------



## Grumpy

Bob, been to Fiji for a wedding in the sunshine. 
Back and at it again
Thanks for asking.


----------



## Grumpy

A fat girl took a while to serve me in McDonald's at lunch time today. 
She said, "Sorry about the wait.." 
I said, "Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."


----------



## madts

Grunpy, you are bit of a


> ?


???? )


----------



## DrDirt

Grumpy that reminds me of the joke….

walking in a mall one day and saw a fat girl with a sweatshirt that said 'Guess' on it.

I said Thyroid problem?

--

get out of the hospital in another day or so…...


----------



## Grumpy

DrDirt, You could have ended up like this doctor;
A woman has a medical at the doctors… 
"You are grossly overweight," he says. 
"I want a 2nd opinion," she exclaims. 
"OK. You're ugly as well.


----------



## Dusty56

Involuntary Muscle Contraction

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably out fishing with his mates!'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.


----------



## gfadvm

Made me smile Dusty.


----------



## Grumpy

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. 
A man asks him,"What's wrong?" 
The boy says,"Me ma is dead". 
"Oh bejaysus," the man says. 
"Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" 
The boy replies,"No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.."


----------



## DrDirt

Grumpy that does sound like a diagonsis I would make….

Like the walmart greeter sees a large mean woman yelling at her two kids… in her "people of walmart" best outfit.
The greeter says "Welcome to Walmart!"

She gives him a hearty F-U.

He asks if the two children are twins, and she says of course not… how F-ing stupid do you hav to be to think they were twins.

The greeter just says " I was assuming nobody would ever 'have relations' with you twice."


----------



## TheDane

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago '

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read:

'You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.'

The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'this is incredible, i've got to try this again.'

Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.' Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again'. She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.

It read: 'you are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago'.


----------



## DrDirt

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,?
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living,being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, 
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response,'Well, I'll be damned,'Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


----------



## patron

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS???

ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA?

ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING?

ONE

Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true…)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they
didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

(And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it.

How much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive
and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was
using the ATM thingy.

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit
this?'

Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why
don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk….'

PLEASE just lie down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier',
the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
five blank copies.


----------



## madts

These are all examples of schools not doing there jobs. It is also an example of not enough taxes going into the coffers.,

Madts.


----------



## gfadvm

David, Around here, we call those people VIs. And the saddest thing is, they are allowed to reproduce!


----------



## jerryminer

I give. What's VI?

Virtual idiot
Verifiable Ignoramus?
Vacant Intelligence?


----------



## patron

virtual idiots


----------



## gfadvm

Village Idiot


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> These are all examples of schools not doing there jobs. It is also an example of not enough taxes going into the coffers.,
> 
> Madts.
> 
> - madts


Oh, the cash flow is there. It's just being spent badly. Here in California, every time the politicos want a raise, they tell people that education, fire and policing will be reduced, leading to an immediate regurgitation of mass quantities of revenue via increased taxes, just like a baby bird looking into its parent's beak for sustenance. The "temporary" gasoline tax of '73 (still in effect) is a classic example. Shameless.


----------



## BurlyBob

VIs===The leaders of tomorrow….God help us!!!


----------



## oldnovice

*David*, when I pick up my son from work, more often than not, he says "I fear for the future of this country!"

He works in retail and that, unfortunately, VI is on both sides of the counter and that is why he makes says that way too often. He has part time help that can't even do simple percentage so he has to help them make out price tags for those items.


----------



## DrDirt

> These are all examples of schools not doing there jobs. It is also an example of not enough taxes going into the coffers.,
> 
> Madts.
> 
> - madts


Not so much… here in Salina, this is the spend per pupil….









So for USD305 budget is 18,635 per pupil. We have to pay for each students activity fees and books for 160 dollars ourselves.
So for that class of 24 students… that is $447,240 for each classroom…

Seems you could pay the teacher 100K/year and 350K per classroom would keep the lights on and the building heated… since the school has 17 classrooms… that would be ~6 million dollars for upkeep and utilities + the principal and secretary and Nurse.

Oh yeah!!! AND they sued the state now because there isn't enough funding…..

Maybe taxes isn't the problem.


----------



## madts

You can throw a million bucks at a problem and get nowhere.
I problem as I see it is education. This starts at the top. Teachers have to have better educations. What they need to learn is " teach how to learn". Once a child has been taught how to learn, the rest is easier. They need to taught how to find stuff. How to have an open mind, they need to be taught to ask questions. The list goes on.
Teach them how to learn and we will be of to a good start.

Madts.


----------



## Dal300

While I don't disagree with any of the previous comments about the educational system in the U.S., That is not what this thread is about.

If you have to make a statement about education, how about starting a new thread for it?


----------



## dawsonbob

I'll second what Dallas said.


----------



## madts

I agree. Something just made me do it.


----------



## Bonka

I think we need to get back with JOKES!


----------



## DrDirt

My Apologies for jumping off track on the thread… Something about making claims that the government doesn't take enough out of my paycheck always draws a response.

Back to jokes!

*From our Finest - regarding Flying*

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
-US.Air Force Manual -

'Tracers work both ways.'
U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.'
-Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane,you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation -
we have never left one up there!'
- Unknown Author -

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
FINALLY:

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
---------------- --

Remember:
There are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the air.


----------



## DrDirt

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eye…


----------



## Dal300

We need a like button!


----------



## oldnovice

My fault for taking this forum off track!

*SORRY!*


----------



## Grumpy

Re: David's post 1903
This is a true story
Some time ago in went into Bunnings (like Paul's Hardware) and asked the young assistant if they had any 'wooden toilet seats'
She replied "what's a wooden toilet seat" 
I said don't worry I'll have a look myself.


----------



## Bluepine38

Good wooden toilet seats were a requirement on a Chick Sales, but that would have stumped some older
assistants too. I think I might be getting old.


----------



## DrDirt

Grumpy…. that reminds me… 

Outhouse Joke

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out…. "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So…...Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"


----------



## GaryC

I was told…
You can't *RUN* thru a campground
you can only *RAN*
Because it's past tents…..


----------



## oldnovice

Does anyone remember the Society for the Preservation of Wooden Toilet Seats, otherwise known as the "Birch John Society"?


----------



## Grumpy

This is from a Canadian so don't blame me. LOL
.
A Canadian walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful stranger from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No," says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."


----------



## Grumpy

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in town got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" 
The man replied, "Yep, sure do." 
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" 
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" 
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!" 
.
.
Thanks Dan


----------



## Dal300

If you might be offended in any way, please do not look. However, these are suppose to be actual children's books.

http://art-sheep.com/15-inappropriate-things-you-can-find-in-childrens-books/


----------



## Dark_Lightning

ROFLMAO. #2 took me a few seconds to figure out. Hilarious!


----------



## Grumpy

The Gay Cowboy…

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great… You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally, the ranch-hand returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her."Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." 
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take-off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
.
.
.
.
.
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


----------



## Grumpy

(One from Andy)
.
> An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
> 
> One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
> 
> Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said
> Mr. Wallace.
> 
> 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
> 
> Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
> she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
> condolences.'
> 
> The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private
> Part hanging out of his pajamas.
> 
> He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
> the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
> 
> 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that
> my Private Part died.'
> 
> 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of
> your pajamas?'
> 
>
> 
> 
> 
> 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'


----------



## Grumpy

Eddie and his wife June are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Heineken and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks June.

'They're on sale, only $15 for 24 cans,' Eddie replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along June picks up a $30 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks Eddie.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Heineken and it's half the price.'

Eddie never knew what hit him. The next thing he heard on the supermarket PA system was: 'Cleanup on aisle 19, we have a husband down.'


----------



## Dal300

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in Karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No…not if I'm going to have to explain it five times…"


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Dallas.


----------



## Grumpy

A man and his wife went to the doctor.

The doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked the patient's blood pressure and other signs and then said he was going to examine the wife.

He took her to another examination-room and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the opposite direction. When she had done so, he said - "OK, good! You can get dressed now and I will talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you; I couldn't get an erection either."


----------



## Dal300

I always thought it was just my heart meds, but nooooooo….. you had to mess up my fantasies *Grumpy*


----------



## patron

The pragmatism of old age …
some hot food and a drink …

After a long day on the shop, I stopped in at 'Hooters' to see some Friends and have

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like
to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told him " The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot …


----------



## darinS




----------



## darinS




----------



## Daruc

> - darinS


Only if they're carrying.


----------



## darinS




----------



## TheDane

Most of the 50+ generation was HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident. "

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…"

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


----------



## Grumpy

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A BASEBALL GAME. 
.
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM. 
BECAUSE THE NUN's HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, 
THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS, 
HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.








IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, 
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . 
THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE." 








THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY,
"I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA . 
THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE." 








THE THIRD GUY YELLED, 
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . 
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE." 
THEN THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, 
AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, 
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL…THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE.


----------



## BJODay

*"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL…THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."*

I'm not so sure…


----------



## Grumpy

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . 
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, "Where am I ?" 
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## dawsonbob

Do you really think that that's appropriate here?


----------



## madts

I thinks Yes. Appropriate everywhere. Because it is the truth.

Madts.


----------



## dawsonbob

Yet, what about Obama. Now that's a joke.


----------



## BurlyBob

You nailed it Bob!!!! I miss Ronald Reagan. Without a doubt the best President of my lifetime!!!!


----------



## dawsonbob

Best of my lifetime, too.

Let's not have the joke thread get into politics, though. There's enough of that in other places.


----------



## Bonka

Move this to another subject. It seems Blush Mania will never end as that is all the Marxist have left.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## oldnovice

The only thing that* trickled down* under *RR* cause a lot of wet pants for the middle class!
I know this is a joke thread but I believe it fits!


----------



## dawsonbob

Well, it used to be a joke thread, til looney libs just had to push their nonsense.

Pity.


----------



## DIYaholic

Sorry for the "Political Interruption"....
We now return you to our regular joke thread!!!


----------



## dawsonbob

I'm all for that!


----------



## oldnovice

*Sorry, I just could not help myself!*


----------



## DIYaholic




----------



## gfadvm

REALLY good one Randy. Thanks, I needed a laugh today.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

BoT…

Guy standing on one side of the lake cups his hands to his mouth and hollers to a guy on the other shore, 
"How do I get to the other side of the lake?".

The other guy replies, "No worries, you're already there!".


----------



## BurlyBob

I 'bout busted a gut over that one!!!!


----------



## Grumpy

Difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court next Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do, son?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, "This is your asshole BEFORE prison…......."


----------



## patron

Call to a men's helpline 
HELP LINE: " Hello my name is Bob how can I help you?" 
Caller: " Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. 
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. 
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"


----------



## Dal300

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" 
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz.


----------



## Dal300

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers ,which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moley," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy, and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day and had lunch while watching the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.

Finally as midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said,"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"


----------



## Grumpy

Well done David & Dallas


----------



## TheDane

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction .

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy . If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live .

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes . Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant .

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses .

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless . It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60 plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem ..

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon .

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"


----------



## Grumpy

.

Votes being counted in the latest FIFA Election.


----------



## gfadvm

Gerry, Those were great but hit a little close to home for me


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Bud_3

3D printers have progressed enormously in recent times!


----------



## Grumpy

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers ,which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy, and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day and had lunch while watching the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.
Finally as midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said,"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"


----------



## Dal300

Grumpy, I'll say nothing! LOL.


----------



## Grumpy

At the risk of being sexist
.
.
*MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN *
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of
the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a Jackeroo (cowboy) from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps. >> >>

He whispers . .
'Here, iron this. Then get me a beer'.


----------



## TheDane

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen was watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail. "

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."


----------



## BurlyBob

Thanks, Gerry and Grumpy. You never cease to help me keep life in perspective. I think I speak for everyone on LumberJocks. Don't ever quit being or doing what you do. Not only do we love it, we need it !!!!

My Best Always,
Burly Bob


----------



## dawsonbob

I'll second that!


----------



## gfadvm

And I'll third it! We do appreciate y'all.


----------



## bladedust

I concur and look forward to each and every joke…..even the crappy ones. On that note, here's a little payback.

A good looking guy walks in to a bar and sits at a table. He then notices a beautiful blond sitting at the bar and summons a waiter. He instructs the waiter to bring the blond a bottle of champagne along with a note that reads "you are a stunning woman and I would like to take you out on a date".

The blond promptly returns the bottle of champagne and writes on the note "I only go out with men who drive a Mercedes, have five million dollars in their savings account and have a 7 inch penis."

Without hesitation the man keeps the champagne and returns the note saying "I drive a Ferrari, I have thirty five million dollars in my savings and I'm not cutting off 3 inches for any woman"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he 
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words 
that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and 
wife.'


----------



## Dal300

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." 
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." 
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director.
He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" 
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."


----------



## Dal300

You know that thing they say about lawyers? It's why you never want to be involved with them at all, period. In this story, the lawyer certainly got ahead, but can't really blame him for taking the opportunity (wink).

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive-and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."


----------



## DrDirt

*Today's Short Reading From the Bible… *

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round…and He laughed and laughed and laughed!


----------



## DrDirt

*He must pay ! *

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her Mom and said,
"He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake.

*
I am coming to live with you! *


----------



## patron

An artist painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted 
portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon 
people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in 
County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretched limo 
and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was 
willing to pay up to £10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure 
to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay. I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I'll have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."


----------



## Grumpy

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we? She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you ******************** on its head.'


----------



## patron

A jetliner settled into flight after take-off. 
The pilot said to the co-pilot, "What I could use right now is a nice cup of coffee and a #$%@ job."

The P.A. system was on and that message was heard by all passengers. 
A flight attendant started running toward the cockpit to tell the pilot to knock it off.

A passenger said, "Remember, young lady, he wants a cup of coffee, too."


----------



## TheDane

*The Hookers Union*

A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam … then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy?


----------



## Dusty56

LOL about the Dwarfs !


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

4 FACTS:

These facts are irrefutable so be careful, be very careful.

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Bud, Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Google but it sounds legit. 
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


----------



## Dal300

Birthing Chair









Treating Scoliosis









Soldier, 1944, helping dog.


----------



## Bonka

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll.

As they walk, they come across a sign: 
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, 
"Well, how did you do?"

"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: 
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, 
"How did you make out?"

"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: 
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "this is mine."

Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Hillary Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.


----------



## Bonka

I saw a bumper sticker today.

If my mind wasn't in the gutter it would be homeless.


----------



## DanYo

Hell Explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of 
Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in 
by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the 
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, 
of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) 
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's 
Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) 
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in 
time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving 
into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is 
unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul 
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. 
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the 
different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of 
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than 
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more 
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. 
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the 
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we 
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because 
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and 
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to 
expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at 
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure 
in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of 
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop 
until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my 
Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her 
last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure 
that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The 
corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it 
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, 
extinct….. ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence 
of a divine being which explains why, last night, 
Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

I had a teacher once that looked like that. didn't learn much though.


----------



## Grumpy

I posted this one before but I like it!.
.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> I had a teacher once that looked like that. didn t learn much though.
> 
> - Grumpy


I did too. Fortunately she was in study hall. Ii studied a lot in there ;-)


----------



## DrDirt

POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Late Monday morning, the grizzled fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital's ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He remembered he'd been in a, no ********************, serious flying accident Saturday.

The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?"
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!


----------



## TheDane

Cannon Balls … Did you know this?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was a major problem.

The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem-how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others..

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round dimples, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls quickly rusted to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make the plates of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts more, and more rapidly than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that it was just a vulgar expression, didn't you?


----------



## Dusty56

Good stuff, guys : )


----------



## Bonka

Rich returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Rich asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and
they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes
he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one
more time before I die ?'

She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Rich,
however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until
he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do
you think we could….?'

At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Rich, I have to
get up in the morning… you don't.


----------



## darinS

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him,
"How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied,
"That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."

Mary exclaimed,
"My goodness, that's an expensive faucet and certainly out of my price range!"

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## dawsonbob

Save me! Save me!


----------



## Grumpy

Road rage affects everyone
The traffic lights turned amber, just in front of me. Without hesitation, I did the right thing, stopping at the white line, even though I could have easily beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind me was apparently furious, because she leaned on her hooter, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection without interrupting the call she was making on her cellphone.

I watched what then happened … with unashamed pleasure.

While she was still in mid-rant, the almost apoplectic woman heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to get out of the car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After two hours, a policeman approached the cell and unlocked the door. The now tearful woman driver was escorted back to the front desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm sorry for this misunderstanding, ma'am. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, making obscene gestures to the driver in front of you, and casting doubt on his intellectual abilities and whether his parents had ever undergone holy matrimony.

"I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' sticker in the rear window, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish-emblem on the boot-lid, so naturally…. I assumed you had stolen the car."


----------



## TheDane

The Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I finally went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed!! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge, I asked?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?," he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."

Forget the shrinks, have a drink and talk to a bartnder. It's always better to get a second opinion!


----------



## patron




----------



## patron




----------



## Dusty56

LMAO : )


----------



## Grumpy

.
Kids on Independence Day!
.
What's red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic turtle!
From Jessica, age 7, Abilene, TX
.
What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
From Eloise, age 9, Charlottesville, VA
.
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
From Betty, age 9, CT
.
How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!
From Tom P., age 8, KY
.
What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!
From Rachel, age 8, Long Beach, CA
.
What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
From Marie K., age 12, Dallas, TX
.
Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Student: "On the bottom!"
From Christy, age 14, Denver, CO
.
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
From Tom P., age 8, KY
.
What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!
From Scott, age 11, Colorado
.
Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes. That's how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.
From Big Al, a grownup, Frankfort, KY.


----------



## Grumpy

Airline Catering Problem

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew - lead flight attendant - for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passenger muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our flight." 
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later.

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## patron

A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then…good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''


----------



## gfadvm

David, A perfect commentary on our times. Like my dad used to say: "there's nothing wrong with the government that a few good killings wouldn't fix".


----------



## Grumpy

You might end up in a 'kangaroo' court Gfadvm.


----------



## gfadvm

Ouch, that's gonna leave a mark!


----------



## DrDirt

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking their annual shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other one bending over holding his stomach in agony. He has a huge cork stuck in his butt. 
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?" 
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." 
"I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No ********************?"

Verified by Brian Williams NBC anchor news. He was there when it happened.


----------



## Grumpy

*As from last Sunday they are now printing Euros on 'Greece' proof paper.*
.
.


----------



## patron

Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.

The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice. The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.

The second condemned man. a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!", with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire'


----------



## patron

A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out.

Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world."

Her friend asked her what she meant.

"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."


----------



## DrDirt

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, 
we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart.

As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her,
"You're in great shape. You must work out a lot."

Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, "Oh, thank you so much!"

The next day a different young woman was driving the cart.
"Watch this," I whispered. I walked up to her and said,
"Wow, you must work out a lot."

"Yeah," she replied flatly. "You should try it."


----------



## DrDirt

Lady Dentist
A guy goes to a female dentist to have an infected tooth extracted.
He settles himself in the dentist chair. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrogenous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied. "I'll be darned," said the patient.
"I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." "It doesn't," said the dentist.
"But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."


----------



## Grumpy

I hate all this terrorist business. 
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, 
and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!". LOL


----------



## Dal300

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" 
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


----------



## DrDirt

> The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says," Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
> The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
> "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
> 
> - Dallas


That the tent got stolen


----------



## DIYaholic

Thanks DrDirt,
I've been sitting here refreshing the page ALL day….
Now I can get on with my day!!! ;^)


----------



## darinS




----------



## bladedust




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Air Show Disaster at West ZWICK'S ISLAND PARK , BELLEVILLE , ONTARIO , CANADA.

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS 
This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.
Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.









No one was killed, but it probably scared the s##t out of them.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. 
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my butt and said, "You're kind of cute you gotta a phone number?" 
I said, "Yea you gotta pen?" 
She said "Yea", I got a pen." 
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." 
When you're my age … who gives a rip!

----------

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." 
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" 
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....." 
When you're my age … who gives a rip!

----------

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." 
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." 
When you're my age … who gives a rip!

----------

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then…try." 
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" 
I said, "Yesterday." 
When you're my age … who gives a rip!

----------

I got caught taking a leak in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're my age … who gives a rip!

----------

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs." 
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so." 
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." 
When you're my age … who gives a rip!


----------



## gfadvm

Gerry, All of those made me laugh. Thanks!


----------



## Dal300

This made my heart hurt. Seriously, I spent my life holding engines together, and they get reduced to bobby pins and bic lighters this fast? Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me".
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men" says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander".
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir" answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful".
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Okay, men, fall in and listen up". "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward". "Not so fast, McGrath!"


----------



## Grumpy

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. CAN YOU BEAT IT!

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's 
all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never fully developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the 
end.


----------



## TheDane

Police Wisdom

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene.

After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge."

"Yes."

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet!"


----------



## Grumpy

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight !
Why the hell did you bring him home for?"

Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"


----------



## DanYo

*Hello, "You have reached the 'Men's Help Line', my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot.

I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can get welded, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"*


----------



## BurlyBob

The cops showed up at my house the other night. The older one asked if I had a girlfriend. I said I did. The younger one asked if I had a picture of her. Yup I said and they asked to see it. The older one said, " Well Sir, it appears your girlfriend was hit by a truck". I said "Yeah I know but she's a good cook and has a real nice personality!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

*Where are your Glasses???*

I love this one!!!! I would never be able to think of a reply like this one!!!

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.


----------



## Grumpy

Employer Abuse

The Fair Work Ombudsman suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

FWO Inspector: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

FWO Inspector: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?


----------



## Grumpy

Explanation of the Greek Bailout.

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. 
No one produced anything. 
No one earned anything. 
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works!


----------



## DrDirt

Here would be a great invention….


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## oldnovice

That is one of the best ideas in a long time!
Thanks DrDirt!


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## Grumpy

I'll second that.


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## Grumpy




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## Dal300




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## Grumpy

Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."


----------



## Dal300

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy groceries."


----------



## Grumpy

Did you ever lose your phone?.
.


----------



## Grumpy

You can blame Andysden for this one, thanks Andy.
.
.
The very first ever Blonde Guy joke…. And well worth the short wait!!!!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
onscaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and theIrishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time

for lunch, I'm going to jump
off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box andexclaimed,

'Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more

time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his

lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped,too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his

death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.

She said, 'If I'd

known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have

given it
to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos

or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the

blonde guy's wife. The blonde guy's wife
said,

'Don't look at me. He makes his own

lunch ..'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Is that custard Danny Boy?????


----------



## TheDane

Senior Dress Code

Many of us over 50 . . . WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway . . . you'll be there.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A thong and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we might as well dance!!!!

Have a nice day!


----------



## gfadvm

Gerry, That conjured up some images that I won't be able to unsee.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Is that custard Danny Boy?????
> 
> - Grumpy


No, that is a substance called "pasteurized processed cheese food product", AKA, Velveeta. It is used for dipping genetically modified corn product (OK, that part is not true, mostly). There are many things that have not been consumed in my household, by agreement between the wife and I- Velveeta and SPAM top the list.


----------



## Grumpy

I can understand that Danny.


----------



## Grumpy

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." 
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
.
.
Thanks Andy


----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## Dal300

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here." 
Man: "Yes it is." 
Boy: "I have a baseball." 
Man: "That's nice." 
Boy: "Want to buy it?" 
Man: "No, thanks." 
Boy: "My dad's outside." 
Man: "OK, how much?" 
Boy: "$250." 
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here." 
Man: "Yes, it is." 
Boy: "I have a baseball glove." 
Man: "That's nice." 
Boy: "Want to buy it?" 
Man: "No, thanks." 
Boy: "I'll tell." 
Man: "How much?" 
Boy: "$750." 
Man: "Fine." 
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." 
The priest says, "Don't start that ******************** again."


----------



## TheDane

Oldies but goodies.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Steve woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, to hell with the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked, I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!""Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


----------



## oldnovice

Gerry, you have a twisted mind …got any more of these beauties?


----------



## gfadvm

Thanks Gerry, Started my day with a laugh.


----------



## TheDane

*The Importance of Walking*

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And finally …

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.


----------



## TheDane

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. 









A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Picklehead

*The Proper way to call someone a Bastard*

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were
walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick
on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you.
You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."


----------



## TheDane

Four irrefutable facts. Be careful, be very careful.

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Budweiser, Miller, Guinness and Heinekens. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


----------



## TheDane

*Do they read these things before printing them?*

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. 
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! 
They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace 
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
Did I read that right?


----------



## GaryC

*Boy Wants Grandpa to Croak*

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, "Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?"

"I sure do" Grandpa replied. "What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?"

"How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?"

"Sure", said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, "croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!"

"Yipee!" screamed Bobby jumping up and down, "We are going on a big vacation!"

"Huh?" Questioned Grandpa. "Why's that?"

"Because Grandma said so," Bobby patiently explained, "she said that after you croak we'll all go on the vacation of our lives!"


----------



## Grumpy

You stole my thunder Gerry. That was my next post.


----------



## GaryC

oops… you can have it…


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

If that is the truth about people today, I don't know what is !!!


----------



## DanYo

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.









.
.
.
.
.


----------



## DanYo

Thanks Odie
http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/


----------



## Grumpy

What a guy !!

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It's smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck…, I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again…


----------



## Grumpy

This is what Andy said he did last night. LOL
.
.
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said,
"No, I haven't." We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
 We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 
'Mom…you still awake?


----------



## DanYo

...

how long did it take you to really figure it out?


----------



## DrDirt

*A Great Retirement Present*

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement.
Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal.
This went on all through the neighborhood.
As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside.

He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside.
She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.

She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said,

'screw him, give him a dollar.'

Breakfast was my idea."


----------



## DrDirt

Never had the school nurse try this with me…..


----------



## TheDane

A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.a( Bay Rum )

He presents a very well looked after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her.a He orders a Manhattan.

He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says,a "So tell me, do I come here often?


----------



## TheDane

Facebook In Real Life

For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists. It's a way of sharing your life with thousands and making new friends.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the SAME PRINCIPLES.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. And it works.

I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.


----------



## TheDane

Smart A$$ Answers

SMART A$$ ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices? John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART A$$ ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART A$$ ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead…'

SMART A$$ ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART A$$ ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART A$$ ANSWER OF THE YEAR Â

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


----------



## TheDane

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

-------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 
All packed for the cruise ship-all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. 
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. 
It will be my first one and I can't wait!

-------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today-seems like a very nice, handsome man.

-------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. 
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

-----------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin.
Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

-------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. 
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.I was shocked.

-------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 
Today I saved 2600 lives. 
Twice.


----------



## Bonka

If Bruce Jenner went missing, would they put his picture on a Half & Half carton?


----------



## BurlyBob

jerry, that put's the whole argument into a concise picture. My question is, since the ratings on his/her reality show have crashed, Who really cares?


----------



## oldnovice

*Gerry*, where do you get all these?
I am still laughing about the smart A$$ answers!


----------



## TheDane

> *Gerry*, where do you get all these?


Ah-ah-ah … I was an accredited journalist for many years, and never reveal my sources! (LOL)


----------



## Bonka

I have scouts that search for the good one's. I always take full credit. Then there are times when I tell myself a joke I haven't even heard.


----------



## dawsonbob

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping Center, you've seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

..Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.


----------



## TheDane

*New ID's for seniors*

Very shortly it will become compulsory for senior citizens to carry not only their ID, but also their insurance documents, their prescription list, a compact version of their medical file, the statement declaring if they want to be resuscitated after a heart attack, stroke, etc. etc. Consequently, a lot of paperwork will have to be carried when a senior citizen goes out the front door OR When they Travel!

Specifically for this purpose, a special "Senior USB Stick" has been developed.

Take a look below …


----------



## TheDane

*Phyllis Diller-isms*

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too???

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Murphy goes 
to his friend Mike and says … "I'm sleeping with 
the Pastor's wife. 
Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" 
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. 
After mass, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. 
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. 
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, 
so he asked me to keep you occupied." 
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says…
"You better hurry home now. 
My wife died two years ago" 
.
.
.
.
Thanks Andy


----------



## dawsonbob

THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut and he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' T
he florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the
fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the
politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said:
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON
If you share this you have a great sense of humor.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

> - DenisMarch


----------



## TheDane

*Apolitical Aphorisms *

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. 
-Jay Leno-

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. 
-Henry Cate, VII-

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. 
-Aesop-

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. 
-Will Rogers-

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. 
-Nikita Khrushchev-

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. 
-Clarence Darrow-

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. 
-Author unknown-

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. 
-John Quinton-

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
-Oscar Ameringer-

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. 
-Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952-

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. 
- Tex Guinan-

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. 
-Charles de Gaulle-

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. 
-Doug Larson-

There ought to be one day-just one-when there is open season on senators. 
-Will Rogers-


----------



## oldnovice

These are perfect at this time as the politicians are running amok!


----------



## TheDane

*Clever Signs*

A sign in a shoe repair store:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet
- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

Sign on another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"


----------



## oldnovice

Gerry,

Many years ago, before the large waste management companies, our local guy in Minnesota had a sign on the back of his truck that read "Double your rubbish back if not satisfied"!


----------



## Bonka

A bumper sticker on a Sioux Bee Honey tanker truck, "Enjoy Good Health, Eat Your Honey>"


----------



## DanYo

Q: What happens if you cut off your right butt cheek?
A: You'll be left behind


----------



## Dal300

Dan'um…... that one hurt, especially with my diuretics!


----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## patron




----------



## TheDane

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a local grocery store.

She always gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail-one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

The Wheel and Beer . . . .

The two most important events in all of history were 
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel…

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. 
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,

so while our early humans were sitting around waiting 
for them to be invented,

they just stayed close to the brewery. 
That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These two were the foundation of modern 
civilization and, together,

were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.

2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals 
to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was 
the beginning of what is known as the 
Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to 
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly 
BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. 
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. 
Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy 
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, 
the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the 
concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide 
the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized 
by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, 
the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass 
for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), 
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. 
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, 
tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. 
Another interesting evolutionary side note: many 
Liberal women have higher testosterone levels 
than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal 
injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, 
group therapists and community organizers are Liberals. 
Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the 
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the 
pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and 
still provide for their women. Conservatives are big 
game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction 
workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, 
corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, 
airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. 
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives 
who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the 
producers and decide what to do with the production. 
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than 
Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in 
Europe when Conservatives were coming to America . 
They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a 
business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted 
that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond 
to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the 
absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately 
to other true believers and to just piss off more liberals.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self

http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/

Thanks ODIE


----------



## DIYaholic

Um….I thought political topics were taboo….


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> The Wheel and Beer . . . .
> 
> The two most important events in all of history were
> the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel…
> 
> Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
> Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
> 
> so while our early humans were sitting around waiting
> for them to be invented,
> 
> they just stayed close to the brewery.
> That s how villages were formed.
> 
> The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
> 
> These two were the foundation of modern
> civilization and, together,
> 
> were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
> 
> 1. Liberals.
> 
> 2. Conservatives.
> 
> Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
> to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was
> the beginning of what is known as the
> Conservative movement.
> 
> Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to
> live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
> BBQ s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.
> This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
> 
> Some of these liberal men evolved into women.
> Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy
> Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
> the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
> concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide
> the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
> 
> Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized
> by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth,
> the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass
> for obvious reasons.
> 
> Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added),
> but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
> They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi,
> tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.
> Another interesting evolutionary side note: many
> Liberal women have higher testosterone levels
> than their men.
> 
> Most college professors, social workers, personal
> injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood,
> group therapists and community organizers are Liberals.
> Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the
> designated hitter rule because it wasn t fair to make the
> pitcher also bat.
> 
> Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and
> still provide for their women. Conservatives are big
> game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction
> workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers,
> corporate executives, athletes, members of the military,
> airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.
> Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
> who want to work for a living.
> 
> Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
> producers and decide what to do with the production.
> Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
> Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in
> Europe when Conservatives were coming to America .
> They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
> business of trying to get more for nothing.
> 
> Here ends today s lesson in world history. It should be noted
> that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond
> to this post.
> 
> A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the
> absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately
> to other true believers and to just piss off more liberals.
> 
> And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self
> 
> http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/
> 
> Thanks ODIE
> 
> - Dan um Style


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA, this is funny.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Um….I thought political topics were taboo….
> 
> - DIYaholic


Only if a liberal posts it first…it's a joke, son!


----------



## TheDane

*Seniors Dating Ads*

These are actual ads seen in a Florida newspaper.

--------------------------

FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'). Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

--------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

--------------------------

SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

--------------------------

WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

--------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

--------------------------

MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

--------------------------

MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


----------



## Grumpy

PAINTING THE CHURCH








.
Painting the Church…

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very

interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down

his paint to make it go a wee bit further. 
.








.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually
the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside
of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,

and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with

turpentine…......

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,
the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint
from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to

land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles

of the thinned and useless paint.
.








.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. 
(you're going to love this) 
.








.
.
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!" 
.








.
.
(you can blame Andy for this one)


----------



## GaryC

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ….....very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now…


----------



## TheDane

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft-spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase that he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?

Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???

Margaret looked up and said, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!"

Without missing a beat, Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a new golf hat."


----------



## TheDane

*The Cheesehead*

A Chicago Bear's fan walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Green Bay cap, and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Packer Fan . So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Cheesehead over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Packer Fan gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Bear's fan.

The Bear's fan once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Cheesehead. As before, this does not seem to bother the Packer Fan. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Bear's fan once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Cheesehead. As before, this does not seem to bother the Packer Fan. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Bear's fan asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Cheesehead? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place!"


----------



## Grumpy

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied the survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" 
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the ******************** out of them first!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for 
sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.) 
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. 
Ole is surprised. 
He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. 
He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow
and takes her home. 
He gets back to Minnesota , and calls over his neighbor Jimmy
Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. 
Pull her tit, and see vat happens." 
So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts. 
Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din't yah?" 
Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, 
dats right. But how'd yah know?" 
Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota
.
.
Another one from Andy


----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## TheDane

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance (pensions).

I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's license and my own car.

I have ID that lets me buy wine and beer.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.

And I don't have acne.

Life is great!


----------



## Grumpy

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, 'Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Truck, Ken's House, Ken's Fishing Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Dog, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles.'


----------



## TheDane

What a guy !!

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. it smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck … I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again …


----------



## TheDane

*Fried Eggs*

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen, saying

"Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"


----------



## dawsonbob

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen. But, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an
overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell" Peace Prize, they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election.
You can't always hear the bells.


----------



## oldnovice

*dawsonbob*, that is more than just a joke, it is a *"real life"* lesson!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate which one can die

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your rear end tomorrow!

There is a tenth one but I can't remember what it is.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

That's the cheekiest V-Dub I have ever seem.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

I gave him another one in case he gets too confident.
.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


----------



## Grumpy

Mick & Seamus were sitting in a pub, watching the Tour de France on TV.
Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi do they do that ?" 
"Do what ?" asked Mick.
"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..why would they torture themselves like that ?" 
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about
A half a million Euros ?" 
"Yeah, I understand that," said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it..??"


----------



## TheDane

Guts or Balls

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls". We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls". Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.


----------



## DanYo

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping 
with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in 
church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, 
asking him all sorts of stupid questions, 
just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and 
asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. 
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, 
so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on 
Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home.

My wife died a year ago."


----------



## Grumpy

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they
passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.


----------



## woodsmithshop

https://www.facebook.com/wonderfulwoodworking/photos/a.257177124456200.1073741828.254934824680430/477329132440997/?type=1


----------



## Grumpy

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men….

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


----------



## Bonka

A mobster has an accountant who has been with him for over 25 years. The accountant is deaf and dumb (best kind for a mobster! He can't hear or speak). Well, all of a sudden, $2,000,000 is missing and it could ONLY be the accountant who took it. Now this mobster had never learned to sign, no need, their communication was always in numbers. So, he hires a sign interpreter and calls the accountant into his office…Listen here, you son of a bitch. I KNOW you took my $2,000,000. You will tell me where it is right here and right now or I will plant a bullet in your brain!..well, the account signs back..it is buried 4 feet down exactly 5 feet north of the big tree in my back yard…the mobster asks the interpreter..Well, what did he say?...he said you ain't got the balls!


----------



## Grumpy

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


----------



## BurlyBob

A day without Grumpy's joke page is like a day without sunshine. Keep'em coming!!!!


----------



## Grumpy

No intention of slowing down yet Bob.


----------



## gfadvm

> A day without Grumpy s joke page is like a day without sunshine. Keep em coming!!!!
> 
> - BurlyBob


Amen To that!


----------



## marc_rosen

Okay, I'll give it a try.

Here is a list of four things;
A Lobster,
A Salmon,
A Shrimp,
And a Chines Man who has been run over by an automobile.
Which of these four things does not fit in?

It's the Salmon. The other three are all crustaceans. (Crushed Asians, for those that don't get it)


----------



## Dal300

When Bill Clinton was president the grounds keeper came to him one snowy winter day and told him that someone had been writing insults toward Mr. Clinton in the snow in pee.

Bill called out the FBI, NSA, USDA, CIA and a half dozen other agencies to find out who was responsible.

Days went by and finally the FBI came in and said we found out who did it!

Bill said, "Well Tell Me!"

We tested the urine and it came from Al Gore, but,.......

"But What?"

The handwriting was Hillary's!


----------



## Dal300




----------



## dawsonbob

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE… NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR-NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF-STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM… BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.


----------



## DanYo

*I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.*


----------



## TheDane

Grandfathers Don't Always Know Everything!......

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.'

'Oh,' Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'


----------



## GaryC

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score…'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - Dallas


 But what does "is" mean?


----------



## DrDirt

> But what does "is" mean?
> 
> - TopamaxSurvivor


'Depends" LOL


----------



## dawsonbob

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" 
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." 
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on." 
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.


----------



## BurlyBob

Ouch! Just proves, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.


----------



## TheDane

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied … 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96?' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


----------



## TheDane

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, You keep stayin positive and fighting the good fight! Your one of the best in my book.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


...and the officiant was on another continent. People and their phones.  Hang up and live your life.


----------



## TheDane

Why I Like Retirement !

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal ….....

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING…. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


----------



## TheDane

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## dawsonbob

I'm afraid to ask…


----------



## TheDane

The Old Man And A Boy

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town, the boy rode on the donkey, the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk," they then decided they'd both walk.

Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."

They both decided to ride the donkey. They passed some people who shamed them by saying: "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and the man figured they were probably right, they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story, if you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.


----------



## BurlyBob

Brother, isn't that the truth.


----------



## DrDirt

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me …."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord…?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done…."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.


----------



## DrDirt

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him ,

"Before you meet with God, I should tell you - we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 
"Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!"

"Wow that's impressive, "When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago," came the reply.


----------



## DrDirt

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, 
Daddy says 
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now. 
Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 
'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?' 
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming. 
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul? 
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ………..Is this 486-5731?'

No, says the little girl, I think you have the wrong number ….


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## TheDane

Food For Thought …

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was beause nobody was married!

Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie were all single.

The only married main character was Otis, and he was town drunk.

Just thinking !!!


----------



## Dal300

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...
...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed."


----------



## Bonka

Great job for the outdoor folks.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. 
After having great sex … She spent the next 
hour just rubbing his testicles … 
Something she just loved to do. 
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 
"Why do you love doing that?" 
"Because" ... She Replied …. 
"I Really Miss Mine"


----------



## BurlyBob

Dan, That's cold, real cold!!!


----------



## Dal300

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator…

And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.

The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"


----------



## Grumpy

Lets try to keep it clean guys. Kids may be watching


----------



## Grumpy

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'


----------



## oldnovice

My cat, actually the cat that adopted us, has developed a bowel problem in that he has very loose bowel movements and he does not use the litter box if it has been used aND not cleaned. So I put newspaper on the garage floor so he can use that when he is penned up for the night.

The other day my neighbor came over and asked why all the newspaper on the floor.

I told him "the cat likes to read when he is going to the bathroom!"


----------



## DanYo

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found
over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there
was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird
Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to
everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By
analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by an impact with a car.









MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck
kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a
nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that
while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one
could shout "Truck."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## madts

I am a ford man myself.
I do not like Hottentot buts.

Madts.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


There are roads like that in the western US, where if you make a wrong turn you may not live before people found you, were you not properly prepared.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DIYaholic

Wha…. isn't that the epitome of "hydropower"???


----------



## Grumpy

It might just be earth leakage, haha.


----------



## BurlyBob

Yeah, I'm no expert but I think there's a wee bit of a problem there !


----------



## woodsmithshop

first time I have ever actually seen electricity flowing.


----------



## Bluepine38

They need to install the proper rheostat to slow and shut off the current flow.


----------



## DrDirt

Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory, but they both got 
laid off. So, dey went to the unemployment office togedder.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da 
ladies cotton panties." The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher,' finding it 
classified as unskilled labor. So, she gave Ole $300.00 a week in 
unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter."

The clerk looked up 'diesel fitter,' and it was classified as a skilled 
job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600.00 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Ole found this out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office 
to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the 
benefits. The clerk explained, "'Panty stitchers' are unskilled labor and 'diesel 
fitters' are skilled labor."

Vat skill?, yelled Ole, "I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem 
over his head and says, "YAH, DIESEL FITTER!"

If you don't understand a word of this, then you're not a Norwegian or 
Swede or from Minnesota!!!!


----------



## incasarl

Ha. Great jokes! Keep them coming.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes". After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


----------



## TheDane

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman - "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book!!"

-0-

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, 'Husband - the Master of the House'?
Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor".

-0-

Someone asked an old man: "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife - Darling, Honey, Luv. What's the secret?
Old man: I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her.

-0-

Husband to wife - Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing - today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband - since last week, you are saying "today is a fine day". I am fed up. What's the matter?

Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, "I will leave you one fine day." I was just trying to remind you……"


----------



## TheDane

Why Teachers Drink, Don't Miss This

These may make you chuckle, but despair at the future!

The following questions were set in a GED examination . These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant) .

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.


----------



## oldnovice

*Gerry*, you had me in tears with this "out of the mouth of babes"!


----------



## BurlyBob

Those are some real good ones Gerry.


----------



## BJODay

>


I think the dog noticed the lack of pants.


----------



## BurlyBob

I never even noticed the dog. Can you guess what caught my attention?


----------



## oldnovice

*BurlyBob*, probably the same thing the dog is looking at out of the corner of the eyes!


----------



## BurlyBob

Yeah your probably right.


----------



## Grumpy

Dog….........on!


----------



## GaryC




----------



## patron




----------



## TheDane

Dinner in the Fifties

Look at all the GOOD stuff we had in the 50's and no one telling us how bad things were for us. You "youngsters" don't know what you missed!

Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

A take-out was a mathematical problem.

Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All chips were plain.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties…was elbows, hats and cell phones


----------



## DrDirt

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in - only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling smart-asses."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!


----------



## DrDirt

Ahhh bad joke friday!

Question:
Why are there two doors in a chicken coop?

Answer:
If there were 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Bonka




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerald, Way to go dude ! You just scared my brain so badly I'm going to go have a few more beers. I've got to flush that visual in the worst way!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, I know some people like that!


----------



## gfadvm

Jerry, I can't unsee that! I think I'm scarred for life!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## oldnovice

*Gerry*, there are people that either can't read or are too stupid and ignore it!

Some time ago, in Chicago, a drunk ignored a warning sign, climbed a 10 foot chain link fence, pisssed on the third rail of the Chicago elevated train and was killed. His family sued and won.


----------



## esmthin

Former Congressman Prentiss Walker, who I understand is here today, tells a story about his first campaign. He dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate. And as he tells it, the farmer's eyes lit up, and then he said, 'Wait till I get my wife. We've never seen a Republican before.'
And a few minutes later he was back with his wife, and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn't give them a speech. Well, he looked around for kind of a podium, something to stand on, and then the only thing available was a pile of that stuff that the late Mrs. Truman said it had taken her 35 years to get Harry to call 'fertilizer.' So, he stepped up on that and made his speech. And apparently he won them over. And they told him it was the first time they'd ever heard a Republican. And he says, 'That's okay. That's the first time I've ever given a speech from a Democratic platform.'"

-Ronald Reagan


----------



## BurlyBob

You got to love Reagan's humor. He was the best to my way of thinking. We could use a man like him again!


----------



## dawsonbob

Bob, truer words were never spoken.


----------



## oldnovice

*BurlyBob*, you know this is a joke thread, right?


----------



## TheDane

*Some Random Thoughts to Cheer Your Day*

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a bathrobe before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 255 pounds I've gained.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. Do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"... ?

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the ******************** storm that's coming..

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday … Your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need … not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today … Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year … This is upsetting news to me … I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge."


----------



## patron




----------



## DrDirt

excellent David…. an extension to humans 

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 
I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!" 
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel Like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love! me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen Hell while monkeys fly out her bum.


----------



## DrDirt

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.


----------



## BurlyBob

Dr. Dirt loved the story. I'm very sorry to hear about your self inflicted and impending celibate lifestyle. Just try to tell yourself your going to be so much healthier by not sharing your vital life force with the unappreciating !


----------



## Bonka

The worst thing about being an atheist? You have no one to talk to during sex.


----------



## DrDirt

A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day, only to be confronted with a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" She proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


----------



## DrDirt

Old Maid

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true to his word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazy and it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription was unnecessarily long. So they simply carved:

"Returned unopened."


----------



## DrDirt

IN memory of Yogi Berra

Yogi Berra, considered one of the best catchers in major league history, died of natural causes at the age of 90 Tuesday. The Yankees legend and Hall of Famer may be better known for the way he creatively butchered the English language, with what became known as Yogi-isms.

Here are 35:

1. "It ain't over till it's over."

2. "It's deja vu all over again."

3. "I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4."

4. "Never answer an anonymous letter."

5. "We made too many wrong mistakes."

6. "You can observe a lot by watching."

7. "The future ain't what it used to be."

8. "If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."

9. "It gets late early out here."

10. "If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them."

11. "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

12. "Pair up in threes."

13. "Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel."

14. "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

15. "All pitchers are liars or crybabies."

16. "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

17. "Bill Dickey is learning me his experience."

18. "He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."

19. "I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

20. "I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won 25 games. What I don't understand is how he lost five."

21. "I don't know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads."

22. "I'm a lucky guy and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary."

23. "I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."

24. "In baseball, you don't know nothing."

25. "I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

26. "I never said most of the things I said."

27. "It ain't the heat, it's the humility."

28. "I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house."

29. "I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I'd never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field."

30. "So I'm ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face."

31. "Take it with a grin of salt."

32. (On the 1973 Mets) "We were overwhelming underdogs."

33. "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

34. "You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."

35. "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane

*This could happen in Wisconsin …*


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## BurlyBob

Isn't that the truth !


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

*Question*: Why don't vegetarians hunt?

*Answer*: It is no fun to shoot lettuce.


----------



## gfadvm

But it is pretty fun to shoot watermelons with ballistic tip ammo!


----------



## DrDirt

The haircut, (Priceless)

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.

Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Love the Dad's reply!

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went"?


----------



## Dal300

Australian Court Docket 12659, Case of the Pregnant Lady

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' … I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"


----------



## GaryC

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


----------



## Bonka

If Caitlyn Jenner came up missing would they put his picture on a can of tranny fluid?


----------



## gfadvm

> If Caitlyn Jenner came up missing would they put his picture on a can of tranny fluid?
> 
> - Gerald Thompson


Good one, Jerry!


----------



## BurlyBob

I agree, good one Gerry!


----------



## Bonka

These damn Dry Land Beavers are taking over. We can't do anything with them. The "Beaver Huggers" won't let us.


----------



## DrDirt

> If Caitlyn Jenner came up missing would they put his picture on a can of tranny fluid?
> 
> - Gerald Thompson


Maybe a carton of Half and Half?


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## BurlyBob

That's cold coming from man's best friend.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## patron

1. A murderer is condemned to death.
He has to choose between three
rooms.
The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that haven't
eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

- / -

2. A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over
5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

- / -

3. What is black when you buy it,
red when you use it, and grey when you
throw it away ?

- / -

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

- / -

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you
can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and
plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing
is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about
it, but you still may not find anything odd but if you work at it a bit,
you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!


----------



## Bonka

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes -
$50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?" 
"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion." 
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter-
$50.00….


----------



## gamygeezer

1. Dead lions.

2. Photography?

3. Got nothing

4. yesterday, today, tomorrow

5. No "e"


----------



## patron

> 1. Dead lions.
> 
> 2. Photography?
> 
> 3. Got nothing
> 
> 4. yesterday, today, tomorrow
> 
> 5. No "e"
> 
> - gamygeezer


not bad gamy
top of the class for you

1. The third room Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!

5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.


----------



## Dal300

http://mistupid.com/stuff/fartmatic.htm


----------



## Bonka

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just

murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put

wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at

things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? 
They're going to see you naked anyway…

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no

decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil

made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's 
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head

out the window?

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough

money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four 
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles 
for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses 
are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat

will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,

then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one

more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light 
fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the

table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when

we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE…......

The statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of serious

mental illness. Think of your three best friends-if they seem okay, then it's you.


----------



## Bonka

FROZEN CARBURETOR

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

"What's the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch m e closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill…"

Reply Reply to All Forward


----------



## darinS




----------



## Dal300

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Where's that tequila?!?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"﻿


----------



## DrDirt

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"


----------



## DrDirt

A young boy had a job bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day the store decided to install a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

The young lad was most intrigued by this machine, and he asked if he could be allowed to work the machine. The manager refused, but the youngster couldn't understand why not.

The store manager explained it to him: "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."


----------



## DrDirt

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## DrDirt

These are the worst ever!!!!!? truly terrible… (I tried not to send them but my fingers got the best of me!)
-------------

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

--------------------

I was at an ATM yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

---------------------

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that…2:30 a m?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

---------------------
The wife was counting all the nickles and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

------------


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## DrDirt




----------



## TheDane




----------



## DrDirt

I went for a run this morning but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something…

I forgot that I'm fat and I can't run for more than 2 minutes.


----------



## DrDirt

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.


----------



## DrDirt

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. ? Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dal300

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes in-verse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!


----------



## DanYo

Did Pork Roll Company Fire Man for Farting?
His wife certainly seems to think so

Newser) - An employee of one of New Jersey's top pork roll makers was fired for passing too much gas in the office, at least according to his wife, who's suing the company. Louann Clem claims her husband suffered serious consequences, including extreme gas and uncontrollable diarrhea, from gastric bypass surgery, the Home News Tribune reports.

The lawsuit alleges that Case Pork Roll Co. president Thomas Dolan complained about the side effects and told Rich Clem to work from home because he made the office smell. But owner Tom Grieb says Clem and his wife, who also worked there, walked out when business wasn't good and they refused to take a pay cut. The lawsuit seeks unspecified punitive and compensatory damages.
http://www.newser.com/story/213867/did-pork-roll-company-fire-man-for-farting.html


----------



## DanYo

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dal300

Sometimes it's a good idea to get a different perspective before committing to a URL…

A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity:
www.whorepresents.com

Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
www.therapistfinder.com

An Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com

Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

Computer software at:
www.ipanywhere.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church:
www.cummingfirst.com

Art direction at reasonable prices:
www.speedofart.com

Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at:
www.gotahoe.com
Providers and installers of Gas Central Heating Systems:
www.northerngasheating.com


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## dawsonbob

A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "


----------



## BurlyBob

Good one Bob.


----------



## DrDirt

An elderly woman was enjoying a good game of Bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every Bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her Bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing Bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play Bridge, knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."


----------



## DanYo

click link if you dare http://i.imgur.com/a6jIDm8.gifv


----------



## DrDirt

yes dan… Clowns are evil…never trust them


----------



## DrDirt

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" ?
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." 
The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response to their message.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love….who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Still waiting for a response. 
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need? 
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## TheDane

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. 
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one. 
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient. 
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?'. I asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ...
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry… had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .. .
'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr wouldn't submit his name….

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied…
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.


----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, where do you come up with these?


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## TheDane

*AND THE SIGN SAID: *

Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

- - - - - - - - - -

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, 
you've come to the right place."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. 
Call your plumber."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you 
are on fire and take appropriate action."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet 
- miss a car payment."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Outside a Muffler Shop: 
"No appointment necessary. 
We hear you coming."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. 
Sit! Stay!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you 
send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; 
come on in and get fed up."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And the best one for last …

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"


----------



## TheDane

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train." "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.

Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.


----------



## oldnovice

*Gerry*, you missed one!

Sign on the back of a garbage truck
*Double your rubbish if not satisfied!*

This was on the back end of the garbage truck that picked up garbage at my parents house in the late '50's and early '60's! Before the large companies took over all that business.


----------



## DrDirt

Teachers

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.?

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


----------



## DrDirt

Cops
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"?

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center)?

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS….

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."


----------



## DrDirt

Woodworking Related…
*Fingers*

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2010. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."


----------



## kukunyuk

removed


----------



## GregInMaryland

So there's these three midgits hanging out lamenting their woes, when all of a sudden one of them gets a bright idea.
"Hey guys, how about us going down to the genus book of world records and seeing if we can get some recognition for our small body parts." "Heck, I'll bet I got the smallest hands in the world." 
The second guy pipes up "Yeah, and I bet I got the smallest feet." 
While the third says "you know what?, I just gotta have the worlds smallest penis." 
So off they go to the office of the genus book of world records.
They are in the waiting room when the first is called in. After some time passes the first guy comes out all jubilant. "That's it boys, I'm in the book, I'm famous, I got the smallest hands in the world." 
The second is called in. After some time goes by, he comes out and triumphantly declares, "Yahoo, I made it, I have the smallest feet in the land." 
Finally it's peewees turn. He goes in to the office but almost immediately comes right back out all dejected and sorry looking. His buddies look up and can see he is all bumed out. They ask, "what happened man, didn't you make it." 
"Oh crap" he replies "who the hell is this DKV guy."


----------



## madts

I can do nothing but Chuckle.

Madts.


----------



## Daruc

> So there s these three midgits hanging out lamenting their woes, when all of a sudden one of them gets a bright idea.
> "Hey guys, how about us going down to the genus book of world records and seeing if we can get some recognition for our small body parts." "Heck, I ll bet I got the smallest hands in the world."
> The second guy pipes up "Yeah, and I bet I got the smallest feet."
> While the third says "you know what?, I just gotta have the worlds smallest penis."
> So off they go to the office of the genus book of world records.
> They are in the waiting room when the first is called in. After some time passes the first guy comes out all jubilant. "That s it boys, I m in the book, I m famous, I got the smallest hands in the world."
> The second is called in. After some time goes by, he comes out and triumphantly declares, "Yahoo, I made it, I have the smallest feet in the land."
> Finally it s peewees turn. He goes in to the office but almost immediately comes right back out all dejected and sorry looking. His buddies look up and can see he is all bumed out. They ask, "what happened man, didn t you make it."
> "Oh crap" he replies *"who the hell is this DKV guy."*
> 
> - Greg In Maryland


Must be the guy driving that big lifted truck!


----------



## GregInMaryland

A man walks into the local pub and orders up a drink.He pulls out a cigarette and realizing he forgot his lighter in the car asks the bartender for a light.
The Bartender pulls out this Huge lighter and lights the guys cigarette.
Wow,that has got to be the biggest lighter i have ever seen,where did ya get that the custumer says.
Well i have a lamp behind the bar with a genie in it,Would you like to give it a try.
Wow really, sure i would.
So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops this genie.
YOU GET 1 WISH!!! says the genie.Alright the guy says I'll take a million bucks!!!!
Poof suddenly theres ducks everywhere and feathers just a flyin.The guy looks at the bartender and says,hey barkeep, i think your genie is a bit hard of hearing.
The bartender looks at him and says
"well you dint think i asked for a 12" Bic did ya!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> So there s these three midgits hanging out lamenting their woes, when all of a sudden one of them gets a bright idea.
> "Hey guys, how about us going down to the genus book of world records and seeing if we can get some recognition for our small body parts." "Heck, I ll bet I got the smallest hands in the world."
> The second guy pipes up "Yeah, and I bet I got the smallest feet."
> While the third says "you know what?, I just gotta have the worlds smallest penis."
> So off they go to the office of the genus book of world records.
> They are in the waiting room when the first is called in. After some time passes the first guy comes out all jubilant. "That s it boys, I m in the book, I m famous, I got the smallest hands in the world."
> The second is called in. After some time goes by, he comes out and triumphantly declares, "Yahoo, I made it, I have the smallest feet in the land."
> Finally it s peewees turn. He goes in to the office but almost immediately comes right back out all dejected and sorry looking. His buddies look up and can see he is all bumed out. They ask, "what happened man, didn t you make it."
> "Oh crap" he replies *"who the hell is this DKV guy."*
> 
> - Greg In Maryland
> 
> Must be the guy driving that big lifted truck!
> 
> - woodust


True story- my baby brother was walking through a parking lot and this guy parked his 18" lift kitted truck, replete with brush guard around the headlights, fancy wheels and Monster Mudder tires. Sweet looking blonde gal walks by and says, "Nice truck. Sorry about your penis!".


----------



## BurlyBob

Dark Lighting, greg and woodust. You three have made my weekend. I can go to bed tonight, sleep peacefull and contented knowing that all is well in the world. Thank you ever so much.


----------



## GregInMaryland

As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing????!" The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law.!!!!!"


----------



## GregInMaryland

A couple has a dog that snores. So the wife goes to the vet for
help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife
can't sleep so she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog
stops snoring! The wife is amazed! Later that night, her husband comes home drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring. The wife thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him, too. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The man wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. While he's standing in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon tied to his privates. He is very confused. When he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon tied to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did but, by God, we got first and second place."


----------



## GregInMaryland

A young man is visiting his Grandfather in the nursing home.

How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?" 
"Terrific! Just wonderful menus." 
"And the nursing?" 
"It couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." 
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" 
"No problem at all-- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled - and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."


----------



## groyuti

[No message]


----------



## DrDirt

Penis Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

*"We're getting granite counter tops."*


----------



## oldnovice

The Dr has spoken! You really came out of left field with that one.


----------



## GregInMaryland

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and he sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked …"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


----------



## DrDirt

TEN LITTLE PIGS

A farmer had 5 female pigs.

Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon , (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,

"How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied,
"If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant."
"If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off,
loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon.

And one of them is honking the horn."


----------



## DrDirt

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little
home in the middle of the property with a stream
running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of
this case?

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer
to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.

"I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does.

Wait for it

Wait for it

He said, he can't communicate with me."


----------



## GregInMaryland

Jed is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

He wonders aloud, " I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot answers, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap" he replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" Jed asks, "Then, answer this: How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot answers, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my wienie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says Jeb. "You really can understand and speak English too."

"Actually," says the parrot, "I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good on ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

Jeb looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

The parott replies, "The truth is, because I'm defective nobody wants me. You can probably get me for $20; just make the shop pwner an offer."

Jeb offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour; he's interesting; he's a great pal; he understands everything; he sympathizes, and he's insightful. Jeb is delighted with his new pet.

One day, when Jeb comes home from work, the parrot motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks Jeb.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie, and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" Jeb stammers. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began stroking her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh no!" Jeb exclaims, "then what?

"Then he took off her nightie and began to kiss her all over….

"My God" shouts Jeb, frantically. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

"Damned if I know. I got a erection and fell off my perch!"


----------



## GregInMaryland

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The
only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of blowing off loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would
wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for
air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it
was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one morning as she
was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she
looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey neck and all the innards,
and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his pants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into them.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could
hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her
eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
pants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Darling, you were
right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." 
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day
I would end up blowing my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I
think I got most of them back in


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Jim Jakosh

This old 95 yr old guy was sitting in the stall at the rest area and waiting for nature to happen.. like a long time. Then suddenly a young guy runs into the next stall slams the door and lets 'er fly .

The old guy hollered over the wall and said Sonny, I'd give 20 bucks if I could go like that!

The young guy said man, I'd give 50 bucks if I'd have got my pants down first!!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Food for Thought

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and
quiet was because nobody was married -
Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass,
Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course
Little Opie - all single.

The only married person was Otis,
and he stayed drunk must of the time.

Just saying'.


----------



## Dal300

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." 
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love." 
Woody Allen

"Lord, grant me chastity and continence… but not yet." 
St. Augustine

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." 
Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." 
Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." 
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." 
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." 
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." 
George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." 
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." 
Sharon Stone


----------



## TheDane

The Queen and Trump

A private jet arrives at Heathrow International Airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."


----------



## BurlyBob

Good one Gerry!


----------



## TheDane

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son …

'Go get your Mother'


----------



## TheDane

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Maam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. He's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished … 'Your husband's name is Crisco?'

The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk. 'What do you call him at home?'

'Lard ass.'


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

> Food for Thought
> 
> The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and
> quiet was because nobody was married -
> Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
> Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass,
> Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course
> Little Opie - all single.
> 
> The only married person was Otis,
> and he stayed drunk must of the time.
> 
> Just saying .
> 
> - TopamaxSurvivor


Well whata-ya say?


----------



## DrDirt

The urine sample

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk
to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
"And how are we doing this morning?"
Or
"Are we ready for a bath?" or
"Are we hungry?"
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice
off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the
urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,
"My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today."
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying,
"Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time!"
The nurse fainted… I just smiled.


----------



## DrDirt

Onestone

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone…"

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story? ' '

' ' 'OH, 'Come on'…take a guess! ' ' ' Think about it .. ' ' '

(You're going to love this!) ' ' '

And the moral is .. ' ' '

…You can't kill two birds with one stone.


----------



## DrDirt

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

(Wouldn't it be great if that happened?)


----------



## DanYo




----------



## gamygeezer

?


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,……….

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## dawsonbob

Funny of the day

Three contractors-from New Orleans , Kentucky , and Chicago-wanted to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three traveled there to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked up some figures with a pencil. "This job will run about $9,000," he said to the White House official. "That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also measured and figured, then said, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor merely leaned over to the official and whispered, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"The Chicago contractor whispered back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" responded the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus Plan worked.

Remember the four boxes that keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.


----------



## rad457

Here is Canada's Joke of the Day!
Actually could be our Nightmare for years to come!


----------



## TheDane

> Here is Canada s Joke of the Day!
> Actually could be our Nightmare for years to come!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Andre


Andre … Wanna trade?


----------



## oldnovice

Trudeau or not Trudeau that is the question:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer and suffer again …......


----------



## madts

You guys will get used to it. He is a fine gentleman and a liberal to boot. Every thing will be just fine. Just look at how well the US has done with a liberal President for nearly 7 years.

-Madts.

And this is on joke of the day.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

A 14-year-old girl who chucked a 1.75" baby carrot at a teacher has been suspended from school and told that she faces charges of battery, according to reports from Henrico County, Va.

Local newsman Jon Burkett writes that Aliya Kay says she meant it as a joke and didn't expect it to actually make contact.

"I don't even know how to combat the stupidity," her mother, Karrie May, told Burkett. "I can see a couple of days in school detention or even a couple days out-of-school suspension. But this goes way beyond that. We have to go to court, and her charges aren't small: assault and battery with a weapon."

Here's a CBS legal expert on critical issues such as the softness of baby carrots.

If it's a soft carrot, it may not be as offensive," said CBS 6 legal expert Todd Stone. "But if it's a raw carrot, you don't have to have an injury or show you were hurt to prove a battery. It just has to be an offensive, vindictive touch. That's what the law says."

Henrico Schools declined to comment on the carrot case.

The National Root Vegetable Association, however, has released a statement saying that while it does not think this is the time for a political debate, the question would not present itself if teachers were themselves armed and trained in the use of small taproots and rhizomes.

true story
http://boingboing.net/2015/10/23/teen-faces-assault-charge.html


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

(Jokes heard in a ******************** Rapids, Minnesota diner)

The toilet seat was invented by a Swede in Minnesota, but twenty years later a North Dakota Norwegian invented the hole in it.

= = = = = = = = = = = =

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."

= = = = = = = = = = = =

A Swede appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Swede blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"

= = = = = = = = = = = =

Two Swedes from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400," said the first Swede. "Vell," said the other one, "at dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."

= = = = = = = = = = = =

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" he asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."

= = = = = = = = = = = =

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

= = = = = = = = = = = =

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know? Dats two thousand miles from here," he says and hangs up. "Who vas dat?' asks Lena. "I dunno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear."

= = = = = = = = = = = =

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you want to." So Ole drove to Duluth.

= = = = = = = = = = = =

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria, Minnesota. The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said,"Ole…What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked."

"Yah, I know," said Ole.

"You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls."

"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.

"Yah Yah, Anyway, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!' So vee all go into the bedroom….where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!' I guess I'm the first one here.


----------



## DrDirt

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old people's home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub - then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person for them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON? OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?


----------



## Grumpy

A water bed German style
.
.


----------



## TheDane

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:

One, you're 59 years old, and two you're the pastor!"


----------



## TheDane

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."


----------



## TheDane

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.


----------



## TheDane

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran and this is a casserole."


----------



## TheDane

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


----------



## TheDane

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "


----------



## gamygeezer




----------



## DrDirt

A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who is best at his job.
The test is to go into the woods, find a bear, and convert it.

After they were done the priest says, " I read to the bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water, and next week is his first communion."

The minister said, "I found a bear by the stream, preached Gods holy word and he let me baptize him in the river."

The rabbi was bandaged from head to foot and said " looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision,"


----------



## TheDane




----------



## DrDirt

Love the pic Gerry!!

In honor of Halloween - - -the trading guide for trick or treats.


----------



## DrDirt

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'


----------



## patron

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O
_
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.
___
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher


----------



## DrDirt

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you" he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room.

In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. 
Through teary eyes, she read: *"I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread".*


----------



## DrDirt

Wanna go deaf for a few minutes? Take a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. After the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait…where did this come from?"

----------------

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young blond housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."


----------



## Grumpy

Typical British humour
.
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/jLI6VA40oUs?autoplay=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=0&end=


----------



## DrDirt

Clean humour


----------



## DrDirt

Religious definition of bra

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra.
She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady.?
"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Baptist bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses.?

The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said:
"Hmm I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills


----------



## DrDirt

Be Careful Canning your garden veggies for winter!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Jim Jakosh

I was asked who Alexander Graham Dumbrowski was?

The first telephone pole!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/film/73821071/kiwi-students-awarded-for-snail-horror-comedy


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Farm Friends

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to noavail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to savehis friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised,but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when hereturned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horseto save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over,and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yep. You betcha.There is a moral!)

'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks!'


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECK-OUT COUNTER ."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT. THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER
FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER. HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED AND SAID: "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."


----------



## DrDirt

FEMALE MARINE…You Will Pay Attention!!

She had been selected by the Marine Corps to provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators, who showed by their body language, deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by telling the class that her voice had just been tested by the Marine Corps communications division, to see if it was suitable for some new recorder messages for Marine aircraft.

She went on to tell them that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new voice messaging system, However, she said it was only fair to warn the attendees in the classroom, the reason given for her non-selection.

She told the class that an analysis of her voice pattern had revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep, any male homosexual within earshot.

Upon hearing this statement, 150 Marine aviators came upright in their chairs and 150 pairs of eyes snapped wide open and locked on her, and they stayed that way for the rest of the instruction period.


----------



## BurlyBob

Good one Doc. I'll pas that on to my son. He'll love it.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## dawsonbob

Took me a second or two, but that's a good one Grumpy.


----------



## GaryC

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"… he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ********************" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over
the coffee table and farted.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Holiday Warning…Please, take care of yourself.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by idiots who drink bottled water, soda, juice, energy drinks, and crap like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.

They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.


----------



## oldnovice




----------



## Bonka

FAMOUS QUOTES

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall." 
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister … and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea … visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation … As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown

Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good … spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~Unknown


----------



## TheDane

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.

They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly,

"What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.


----------



## oldnovice

*Out of the mouth of babes!*


----------



## Grumpy

And they all took a photo Gerry. LOL
.


----------



## TheDane

A physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


----------



## DrDirt

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
The gatekeeper said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you
though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be
here, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
The gatekeeper continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin, with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one - which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The gatekeeper's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'

'How many seconds in a year?'

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be
twelve.'

Astounded, the gatekeeper said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year ?
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…

'Hold it, interrupts the gatekeeper. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind… but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the
third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, it's Andy. '

'Andy?' exclaimed the exasperated and frustrated gatekeeper. Ok, I can understand how you came up with the answers to my earlier questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God.
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

The gate keeper opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run, Forrest, run".
Lord, give me a sense of humor, give me the ability to understand a clean joke, to get some humor out of life without offending one's morals or sensibilities . .


----------



## DrDirt

I am a Seenager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go school or work. I get an allowance (pensions).

I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license (so far) and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the beer store. The people I hang around
with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne.

Life is good.


----------



## TheDane

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Johnson's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Johnson."

The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Johnson's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.

Suddenly WOW!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!


----------



## Grumpy

Don't mess with this "lady".
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1412484778970143&set=vb.381641995257474&type=2&theater


----------



## Dark_Lightning

0.o For McNuggets? I don't even eat that $%#. Just wow.


----------



## BurlyBob

Do ya think she's got anger management issues or is it just the wrong time of the month?


----------



## optitcation6102

A family reunion is a special occasion for extended families to gather. Since many families set aside a particular date to reunite, it has become a tradition to create custom T Shirt Lyrics that commemorate the event. These T Shirt Lyrics have become keepsake items that unite the family and remind the family of the special event that took place.
Visit my web: T Shirt Lyrics http://besttshirtlyrics2u.net


----------



## TheDane

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress.

As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


----------



## BurlyBob

Out of the mouth's of babes!!


----------



## TheDane

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


----------



## Grumpy

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up & eventually got so heavy & fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of 3 to 6 a week. 
So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast & killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: 
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING 
3 days later Farmer Jack called the policeman & said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster!" 
So again, they put up a new sign: 
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY 
That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called & said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?" In order to get Farmer Jack off his back he said "Sure. Put up your own sign."

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John. How's the problem with the speeding drivers, did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious & thought he'd go out & take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down. So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

'NUDIST 
COLONY'

'Slow down & watch for chicks!'


----------



## TheDane

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, and is eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."


----------



## ruddy

Do you know what to do if you are confronted and threatened by a bunch of feral clowns?

Go for the juggler.


----------



## TheDane

A little girl's dad always drove her to preschool but one week he was out of town and Mom had to drive her.

After a little time she raised up and looked over the dash all around and said." Where did all the STUPID IDIOTS go?"

Mom said, "I think they only come out when dad drives."


----------



## TheDane

A Thanksgiving Letter to the family …

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, after reading all that! Brother am I glad my son and his wife would rather spend the holidays at her family' s. Guess they know I'm a grumpy old fart. Besides I like my regular beer in a tin can. My son is into those yuppy beers. What the hell happened to him? He's a Marine, they are suppose to like anything, especially if it's got alcohol and is free, Right? What's this world coming to?


> ?


 Go Steelers!!


----------



## TheDane

A little girl riding with mom asked "how old are you, mom?" to which mom replies "that's not a polite question to ask."

At kindergarten, another child told her that the easy way to find her mom's age would be to look at mommy's drivers license.

Next day the child asked and received mom's drivers license. After some study she asked mom "why did you and daddy get divorced?".

Mommy blustered about irreconcilable differences, etc.

Next question was " Did the divorce have anything to do you receiving an "F" in sex?"


----------



## Daruc

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CL254PTWoAAVh5F.jpg:small


----------



## darinS




----------



## dawsonbob

darinS, I love it.


----------



## TheDane

I love it when a complicated situation can be explained in such simple terms!


Democrats don't understand
THE DEBT CEILING


Republicans don't understand
THE DEBT CEILING


Liberals don't understand 
THE DEBT CEILING


NO ONE understands 
THE DEBT CEILING

SO, allow me to explain …

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer-backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling.

What do you think you should do?

1. Raise the ceiling, or
2. Pump out the $#it?

Your choice is coming in November 2016


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DKV

Joke of the day…


----------



## TheDane

Wisconsin, according to Jeff Foxworthy:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Wisconsin.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Wisconsin.

If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Milwaukee for the weekend, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Wisconsin.

If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Wisconsin.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Wisconsin.

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Wisconsin.


----------



## oldnovice

That sums up Wisconsin!

We watched the car races on frozen Lake Menonmin, dropped money on the ice breakup date/time the lake, and on many days saw more snowmobile traffic on the roads than automobiles. The "race" cars were all equipped with studded tires or tires with hex head screws in the tread.

I lived in Menomonie, almost street East from Minneapolis/St. Paul, for three years while going to Stout State University, is now part of the UW system.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dal300

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button…".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m. The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.

The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m. The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.

Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks, "What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room.

The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.

All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."


----------



## oldnovice

Love it Dallas!


----------



## Picklehead

Or maybe the third one's an optometrist:

"Is it better like this, or like this?"


----------



## TheDane

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


----------



## TheDane

Things to consider…

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 75 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'
...If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday…Your life sucks!


----------



## Grumpy

> A school teacher asked her students to make
> a sentence containing the expression I
> presume.
> One little girl held up her hand and said:
> Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner
> dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher
> was broken.
> Very good said the teacher.
> Another one said: This morning, my father
> drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I
> presume that the BMW wouldn't start.
> That's excellent says the teacher.
> Little Johnny at the back of the classroom
> gets up and says: Yesterday I saw grandpa
> leave the house with a newspaper under his
> arm and headed for the bush, I presume
> that…....
> The teacher interrupted him and said, I
> stopped you because you have no idea what
> your grandfather was going to do, so you
> can't presume anything.
> Johnny says, Please Teacher, let me finish
> my sentence.
> The teacher says, Very well. Continue.
> As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading
> for the bush with a newspaper under his arm.
> I presume he was going for a poop because he
> can't read.


----------



## TheDane

More things to consider…

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"...?

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that's coming.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need… not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today … pretty sure she's going to get me something.


----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, about #2- truer words have never been spoken. From one who's lived thru more than my share of crap storms!


----------



## TheDane

A Few More things to consider…

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is upsetting news to me … I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?


----------



## Dal300




----------



## TheDane

Some Astute Observations

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip$#it's.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Left Tackle?"


----------



## Grumpy

This is funny!
.




.


----------



## Grumpy

Pass the salt!
.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Pass the salt!
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


lol. At least nobody got hurt!


----------



## oldnovice

I saw a family at a table in the deli sandwich restaurant where mom and dad are on their cell phones while the kids are left out of everything.

Oblivious to the parents, one of the kids gets up to go to the bathroom followed shortly by the other one. About 5 or 10 minutes go by, the kids are still in the bathroom when the parents get up to leave. Just before they get to the exit, they realize something is wrong, turn around to put a tip on the table.

Not until they get outside do they realize they forgot the kids and come back in.

This was interesting to watch some really stupid parents in action!


----------



## TheDane

More Astute Observations

I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.


----------



## Bud_3




----------



## Bud_3

Moses and his jokes:


----------



## DrDirt

Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks. After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.

The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies "Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds "Follow me". The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below. "Here's why". The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing". He floats back into the room.

As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, sceptical, peers out through the window; down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below. The first man grins and returns to the bar.

Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits. "You know" he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman".


----------



## Bonka

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull. Gotta go home and screw the cat."


----------



## Grumpy

Keep them rolling Jocks!
.


----------



## TheDane

Even More Astute Observations

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


----------



## TheDane

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible… Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ...."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"


----------



## DrDirt

Extracts from letters written by council tenants in the UK:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.


----------



## DrDirt

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the barstool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H,* so I'm still a hole behind you.'*


----------



## Dal300

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy.
.
.
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into 
the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"

"Oh, no Sir, positively not!" Bob replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."

"Good, then you fire her !".


----------



## Dal300

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" ...

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started…

I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

Jokingly, he said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started…

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer, watching TV.

Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

She didn't appreciate that.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from o to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.

One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

I'm still recovering from this one.


----------



## TheDane

Some More Astute Observations

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.


----------



## Bonka

A Hippy asked his girl friend, "Do you smoke after sex?'' She replied, "I don't know I never looked." 
He then queried, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" She replied, "No, but I bet it hurts." 
He whispered in her ear, I want to screw you the worst way I can think of." She said, "The worst way I can think of is standing up in a hammock."


----------



## DanYo

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."


----------



## Dal300

A truck driver asked his wife if she smoked after sex and she said, "no, one drag is enough."

A truck driver asked his wife why she never told him when she had an orgasm.
She replied, "How can I, you aren't here!"


----------



## Grumpy

The very best of Scotch & Wry.
.
The accents are a bit strong but the skits are worth it.
.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy

I know I've done this one before but I like it.
.


----------



## DrDirt

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."


----------



## DrDirt

Be Careful buying the Christmas presents for SWMBO….. you could end up in "the doghouse!"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## GregInMaryland

Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Love this Chinese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember : 
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English. 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3 .. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


----------



## patron




----------



## DrDirt

"PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT SENIOR STYLE"

An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays.


----------



## DrDirt

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 
"But officer…" the man began "I can explain". "Just be quiet" snapped the officer. 
"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back".

"But officer, I just wanted to say…"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back".

"Don't count on it" answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom".


----------



## DrDirt

The Perfect Couple

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was
driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

FEMALE ANSWER:

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no
Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

MALE ANSWER:

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Bonka

How come they were brown before GMO and Roundup?


----------



## TheDane

> How come they were brown before GMO and Roundup?
> 
> - Gerald Thompson


You don't want to know what Grandma used to put in the stuff she cooked!


----------



## Grumpy

How sweet it is.


----------



## Grumpy

Sex after surgery!

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.


----------



## oldnovice

An old geezer became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !!-"This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak-- I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.


----------



## distrbd




----------



## BurlyBob

I love that one Ken.


----------



## Grumpy

Finally, a good gun story

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot magazine and I want to know
who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You don't have enough ammo.


----------



## 000

The new street stool.


----------



## Bluepine38

That is one way to eliminate unsafe poster people, but I would not want to be part of the ambulance 
crew that had to answer the call.


----------



## oldnovice

Has anyone heard the saying *"Hoist by his own petard"*?


----------



## Bonka




----------



## BJODay

> The new street stool.


Very close to blowing his brains out.


----------



## DrDirt

Talk about a 'cup half empty outlook'.....









or


----------



## Dal300




----------



## Grumpy

A semi travelling down the tollway runs into the toll booth and destroys it.
Another truck driver who witnessed the accident rushed up, pulled over, opened the back cargo door pulled out some materials and had the booth repaired and operational within seconds.
A car driver, astonished at what the truckie accomplished rushed up to him and said;
How did you fix that booth so quickly.
.
.The truckie replied;
.
.Wait for it!
.
.
The Answer is coming.
.
.
The truckie said!;
.
.
"I used Toll Gate Booth Paste"


----------



## patron




----------



## patron




----------



## Bonka

A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. The wife said "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


----------



## patron

NUDE BEACH ….... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach…

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.


----------



## GregInMaryland

Two Clever Nuns

There are two nuns.
One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us
for the past 38 ½ minutes I wonder what he wants?
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most!
What can we do?
SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later…

SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1
minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up
can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty…
Say two Hail Marys (whatever they are!)

The Moral of the Story is: 
LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME &

Math cannot survive without Logic!


----------



## gamygeezer

Not many posts lately, so I looked some up:

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


----------



## gamygeezer

A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.

"What happened to you?" asked the doctor who was examining him.

"Chain saw accident," the man replied.

"Well, you're lucky," the doctor said; "I've seen worse."

"It wasn't turned on," the man replied.


----------



## gamygeezer

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.

"Look," the crook said, "I've got nearly a million in cash in my bank box. Can you get me off?"

The lawyer said, "Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money."

And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.


----------



## gamygeezer

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket, which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."


----------



## gamygeezer

A man named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from
an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.

The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.
The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.

"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.

"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.

"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.

A month later Ben met up with the man and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $998," said Jean Paul.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back," said Jean Paul.


----------



## gamygeezer

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth.

Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag.

Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.


----------



## bearkatwood

What do you call a dwarf psychic on the run?

A small medium at large.


----------



## patron

In a Bangkok Temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN

>

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

>

Doctor's Office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

>

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

>

A Nairobi Restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

>

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:

TAKE NOTICE:WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

>

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

>

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

>

In a Cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

>

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.

>

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

>

In a Tokyo Bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

>

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

>

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

>

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

>

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

>

Hotel, Zurich:

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

>

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

>

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

>

A Laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

>

And finally, the all time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE


----------



## Grumpy

A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor,
who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer,
I will accept my mark as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll
have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor
legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives
up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes
away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't
get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he
has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but
not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise
their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30
year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which
is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him
an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## darinS

And to think…I've been doing it wrong all this time!!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Pdub

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No,sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."


----------



## GaryC

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing


----------



## TheDane

You know you are a *********************************** when you convert the old toilet in your backyard into a combo grill and cooler!


----------



## DanYo

http://coed.com/2016/01/22/donald-trump-erotic-novel-amazon-funny-responses-reviews-details/?utm_source=huffingtonpost.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=pubexchange

*Erotic Donald Trump Novel is Getting Spectacular Reviews on Amazon*








*Suddenly this photo means so much more.
*


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

How cute.


----------



## TheDane

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the class picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


----------



## Grumpy

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket."

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'


----------



## TheDane

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


----------



## DrDirt

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and says, "Here's four weeks pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."


----------



## TheDane

A Few More Astute Observations

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?


----------



## TheDane

Black and White TV (Under age 60? You won't understand.) You could hardly see for all the snow, spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. 'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE … and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option … even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah … and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either; because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?


----------



## gfadvm

Gerry, Good times! Unfortunately, I think they are gone for good


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

> Late Night Phone Call to the Vet
> 
> A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat',
> agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the
> neighbours were on vacation.
> 
> She had a large house and believed that she could keep the
> two dogs apart.
> 
> However, as she was drifting off to
> sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed
> downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious
> pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when
> dogs mate.
> 
> Unable to separate them, and perplexed
> as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the
> vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
> 
> Having explained the problem to him,
> the vet said,
> 
> "Hang up the phone and place it
> down alongside the dogs.

> I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will
> make the male lose his erection and he will be able to
> withdraw." 
> 
> "Do you think that will work?" she asked.
> 
> "Just worked on me," he replied.


----------



## Grumpy

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. 
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - '
No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, you ever seen her? I mean if I had a bulldog with a face like hers I teach it to walk backwards!!


----------



## Grumpy

No mate, I don't think i'm game after that report.


----------



## Grumpy

A Priest decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Priest reported the following results.
The first worm in alcohol . . . Dead! 
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead! .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead!
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive!

So the Priest asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?" 
A lady was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . . 
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" 
That pretty much ended the service!


----------



## Grumpy

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."


----------



## oldnovice

*SOME DEFINITIONS OF OLD!*

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?" 
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!
□□
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 
"How old was your husband?" 
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me" 
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. 
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?" 
□□
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. 
She simply replied, "No peer pressure." 
□□
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape.
I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. 
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
□□
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." 
□□
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth. 
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia. 
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.


----------



## DrDirt

Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation.
Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't seem to be wearing anything underneath it.










The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion. Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble then her friends, couldn't quite reach that far…


----------



## Grumpy

A touching story by a silly bugger

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy….......


----------



## DrDirt

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter "P" without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.


----------



## DrDirt

The DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher
He told the rancher,

"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there …", as he pointed out a distant location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying,

"Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?!
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I flicking wish….
on ANY land!
No questions asked or answers given!
Have I made myself clear … do you understand???"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull …










With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety.
The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled a t the top of his lungs …

(I just love this part….)

"Your badge … show him your flicking BADGE!!"


----------



## DrDirt

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the
apples…'


----------



## Grumpy

Confucius Say….
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.


----------



## GaryC

Confucius says, 经过艰苦的努力的梦想可以成真


----------



## Grumpy

Confucius Also Say;
.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.


----------



## Grumpy

Just remember Einstein's comment: 
"There is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity; intelligence has its limits."


----------



## Grumpy

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


----------



## gamygeezer

The Twitter chat is suggesting that Obama nominate Obama for Supreme Court Justice.


----------



## Grumpy

Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy


----------



## TheDane

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield nd begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "*Defrost the chicken*." (True story)


----------



## TheDane

*Railroad Tracks and horses asses.*

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you used to see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you may have noticed that there were two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These were solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs were made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!

Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything.

Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?


----------



## Grumpy

Good ones Gerry


----------



## oldnovice

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

Which just proves, there is nothing really, just old ideas reworked!


----------



## vonfalken

still laughing at these jokes…I wish I knew some jokes and funny stories to share but ive been married for 32 years


----------



## DanYo




----------



## BJODay

A man was planning on traveling through the Sahara desert. He was looking for a camel that could go 7 days without water. He visited numerous camel dealers but they only had 5 day camels. Finally he found a dealer who said his camel could go 7 days without water. To prove it he lead the camel to a water trough. The sides were marked with lines indicating how many days worth of water there were in the trough. He had the camel start drinking and he slurped down, 1 day, 2 days, 3 days, 4 days and then it stopped after drinking down to the 5 day line. The buyer complained and said "Hey this is only a 5 day camel." The dealer held up his hand and said "Hold on". He picked up 2 bricks, walked behind the camel and slammed the bricks together on the camels testicles. The camel sucked in hard and drank 2 more days worth of water.

The buyer said "hey, that's great, but doesn't it hurt?" 
and the dealer replied, "Only if you get your fingers between the bricks."


----------



## TheDane

Wife: "What are you going to do today?"

Me: "Nuthin."

Wife: "That's what you did yesterday!"

Me: "Yeah, I know. I didn't finish."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments, I am in apartment 301.

There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.

When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What … You're coming empty handed?"


----------



## TheDane

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple, of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe fina you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'"?


----------



## TheDane

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled," Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.

"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men…are men!


----------



## racerglen

bump


----------



## cdarney

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside McChord Air Force Base.
A ragged old Naval Aviator, wearing his Winged ball cap, was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.

A curious young Air Force fighter pilot stopped and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.

'Poor old fool,' the Air Force officer thought and he invited the ragged old Naval Aviator aviator into the pub for a drink.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey,
the haughty fighter pilot asked, "And how many fish have you caught?'

'You're the eighth,' the old Naval Aviator answered.


----------



## BurlyBob

Here's an Army/Navy joke.

A Navy officer was at the airport using the urinal when an Army officer walked and began using the urinal down the line. the Army officer got done first, zipped up and proceeded to the door. The Navy officer said to him. "At Annapolis they taught to wash our hands after we took a whiz." The Army officer looked back at the Navy officer and said. "At West Point they taught us not to whiz on our hands."


----------



## patron

Bakery Assistant

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

No," stammers the older man, "but it's quivering a little."


----------



## cdarney

A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbor. 
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow . I can stow you away on my ship. 
I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain, "this is the Staten Island Ferry."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo




----------



## TheDane

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


----------



## DrDirt

The local bar was so sure that the bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "okay,", grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


----------



## DrDirt

PORK & CELEBACY

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi! then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

The Errand!

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "What was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


----------



## DrDirt

> - Dan um Style


Be careful with this - -
the sender of this "gag gift" has been ticketed.
http://www.freep.com/story/news/nation/2015/01/01/cow-poop-neighbors/21158141/
According to the charge, Capdevila harassed Rowland by "communicating by telephone, telegraph or writing without legitimate purpose and in a manner likely to cause the other person annoyance or harm."

Capdevila was ordered to next appear in Associate District Court at 1 p.m. Jan. 6. If convicted, she faces up to 30 days in jail and a fine not to exceed $625.

Contacted Wednesday, Kim Capdevila said she intended it to be practical joke.

"In no way, shape or form did I intend this to be anything more than a practical joke," she said. "I was given a website that I thought was anonymous. I thought it would be a funny thing to do to send it to my neighbors.

Suppose you have to be careful who you "give a ********************" about….


----------



## TheDane

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''


----------



## DrDirt

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinski
2. Bill Clinton
3. Hilary Clinton
4. Adolph Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with #5?

You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope? Lovely, just lovely!

( I failed also)


----------



## BJODay

> 5. Jorge Bergoglio
> 
> You had trouble with #5?
> 
> You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope? Lovely, just lovely!


I don't mind if he's famous. I'd prefer it if the pope is not infamous.
BJ


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment… now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is… "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - DrDirt


Similar to Michael Spinks the boxer who beat Mohammad Ali. Spinks went to prison on drug related charges. He was asked if he could stay out of trouble when he was released. He replied he thought he could because he was a lot more smarter now than he was back when he was more dumber. I think it was on the late, great Paul Harvey's show that I heard that one.


----------



## Grumpy

Confucius Say. 
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.


----------



## DrDirt

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL……YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

"YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASS,

GRAY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

S O B ASKED……

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???


----------



## DrDirt

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered
for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a
straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first
officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would
like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two
officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided
to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a
medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the
tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied . . "Kuwait!."


----------



## DrDirt

For all men and women who remember the past, how different we are!
A wife was curious when she found an old negative
in a drawer and had it made into a print.










She was pleasantly surprised to see that it was of her
at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years
ago on one of her first dates with her husband.
When she showed him the photo, his face lit up.

"Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation,

*"That's my old Ford!"*


----------



## Grumpy

Confucius also say
Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out….you lose interest.

Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland …
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.


----------



## Grumpy

You can blame Andy for this one.
.
> A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
> 
> jump out across the middle of the road.
> 
> He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
> 
> rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
> 
> The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
> 
> lover, pulls over and gets out to see
> what has become of the rabbit.
> Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
> 
> the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
> 
> The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
> A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
> sees a man crying on the side of the road
> and pulls over.
> 
> She steps out of the car and asks the man
> what's wrong.
> 
> "I feel terrible," ! he explains,
> "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car
> 
> and KILLED HIM." 
> 
> The blonde says,"Don't worry." 
> 
> She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
> She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
> bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
> 
> The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the
> 
> two of them and hops off down the road.
> 
> Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves
> 
> again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
> turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
> turns and waves, and repeats this again and again
> 
> and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
> 
> The man is astonished.
> He runs over to the woman and demands,
> 
> "What is in that can?
> What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" 
> 
> The woman turns the can around
> so that the man can read the label.
> It says..
> 
> 
> (Are you ready for this?)
> 
> (You know you're gonna be sorry)
> 
> (Last chance)
> 
> 
> (OK, here it is)
> 
> 
> It says,
> 
> 
> "Hair Spray
> Restores life to dead hair,
> and adds permanent wave." 
> 
> Happy Easter!! !


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy
.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite 
cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the
cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this 
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"


----------



## Grumpy

POOF, THE LIGHT GOES ON, AND POOF, THE LIGHT GOES OFF!! > > > > 
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.. All of his tests come back > with normal results. 
The doctor says, 
'George, everything looks great. > How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with > God?' 
George replies,
'God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, > so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God . Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?' 
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again…....


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy says to Mick,"I'm getting circumcised tomorrow." 
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old." 
Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?" 
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."


----------



## DrDirt

businessman, talks to his son.

John: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

John: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case…"

Next John approaches Bill Gates.

John: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

John: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case…"

Finally John goes to see the president of the World Bank.

John: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "! But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

John: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case…"

This is how business is done!!


----------



## Bonka

A woodworker had a bad kick back from his table saw. The wood took out all but a stub of a front tooth. He rushed to the Dentist. The Dr. examined the tooth and told him, "It's going to have to be extracted." "I'll inject Novocain in the area and pull it." "No", exclaimed the patient. "I'm terribly allergic to that." Well replied the Dentist, "I'll use gas." "No the last time I had that they had trouble waking me up," replied the man. The Dentist went to a drawer and pulled out a bottle of pills. He handed two of them to the man. The man looked at the two blue pills and gulped them down. He asked the Dentist, "What were those.? The Dentist replied, "Viagra." The man replied, ''Viagra?" ''Why Viagra?" The Dentist replied, "Well you going to need something to hang onto."


----------



## DrDirt

What NOT to name your dog.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me ….. when I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like to have one too".

Then I said, "But this is a dog".

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

Then I said, "You don't understand. " I've had Sex since I was nine years old".

He said I must have been quite a kid!!!

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for Sex.

I said, "You dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night".

The clerk said, "me too".

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around,

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me that I should have sold my own tickets.

"But you dont understand", I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.".

He called me a pervert.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before i was married".

The judge said, "Me too".

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, "Me too".

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.

A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?".

I said,* "I'm looking for Sex".*

My case comes up today … !!!


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented… I forgot where I was going with this.

A thief broke into my house last night… He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW, right?

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.


----------



## Grumpy

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" 
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."


----------



## Grumpy

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. 
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain


----------



## TheDane

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk way


----------



## DrDirt

A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius.

This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date.

She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!'


----------



## Grumpy

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


----------



## TheDane

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.
Man: Where's your Ferrari?


----------



## 000

CHICAGO MATH

Practical Chicago Math: Chicago Schools are finally starting to teach
practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!

1. Lajames has anAK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots
and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a
drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine.If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams
to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his ********************?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must
each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit.
How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000
for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4's, how many more Corvettes
must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law
wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he
gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is
3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint
with 20% paint left over ?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the
percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that
eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a
lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads
his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away
will Marvin be when he gets whacked?


----------



## TheDane

My goal in life is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I'm dead.


----------



## Grumpy

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## gamygeezer

Tomorrow is National Slap Your Most Irritating CoWorker Day. 
.
.
.
If you can't think who that is, I'd call in sick.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Q: What did the psychiatrist say to the man who came into the office wearing only Saran Wrap?

A: I can Clearly see your nuts…..

(yeah I have a 7th grader at home)


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Four ladies meet after 30 years at their sons' high-school reunion. One goes to take food while the other three begin to brag about how successful their sons became.
Number one says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich that he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Number two said her son became a pilot, started his own airline and became so rich that he gave his best friend a jet.
Number three said her son became an engineer, started his own development company and became so rich that he built his best friend a castle.
Then Number four came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz was about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a gay bar.
The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. "Oh no!" exclaimed Number four. "He is doing good. Just last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends!"


----------



## gamygeezer

Sort of a joke, sorta not:

Got a call this week informing me that the IRS is preparing to sue me for tax fraud, and that I should give the caller all my personal information to build a defense against the suit. The 'sorta not' a joke part is that some people fall for scams like this. The joke is that the IRS databases have been hacked so many times that all my information is probably on line already.


----------



## DrDirt

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it.
As a token, please each of you put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash
He later went on to become a member of Congress…


----------



## DrDirt

SUBJECT: MARKETING
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" …..
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass …
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
YOU LIKE IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES YOU WERE OFFENDED. 
That is AMERICA


----------



## Bud_3




----------



## darinS




----------



## darinS




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

You're An EXTREME *********************************** When…

1) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2) The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3) You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4) You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5) You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6) Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7) You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8) Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9) Your junior prom offered day care.

10) You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11) You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12) The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13) You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14) One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16) You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17) You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


----------



## TheDane

Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"


----------



## TheDane

A lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam; I don't intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and you're quite exposed," said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 84 years old; I just bought this hat yesterday.


----------



## TheDane

THE SIX KINDS OF SEX

PENSION SEX 
Two men were talking. 
'So, how's your sex life?' 
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.' 
'Pension sex?' 
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

LOUD SEX 
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor. 
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.' 
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is..' 
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX 
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking 
session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?' 
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

SEX & ARGUMENTS 
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary 
The husband yelled, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever'.' 
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX 
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 
'This will make you happy tonight.' 
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX 
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. 
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. 
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex…he could also fly.


----------



## TheDane

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open …that's a maintenance matter."


----------



## Grumpy

DEFECTIVE PARROT
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." 
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" 
"I got every word," says the parrot "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird …" 
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this-how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" 
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." 
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" 
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." 
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." 
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" 
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." 
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer
black nightie." 
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?" 
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot..
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…"

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" 
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"


----------



## darinS




----------



## oldnovice

*darinS*, the battery got out because it was never charged!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

darinS, He over did it alright! ;-))


----------



## DrDirt

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the
back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little
animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really..and what four little animals would they be?" The little
girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed
and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.


----------



## DrDirt

nice play on words


----------



## BJODay

darinS, the Shaker was in for assault!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## oldnovice

Another example of free speech *shut up* by big money!
This cartoon got Rick Friday fired from the Farming News after 21 years of cartooning for that paper!

Here is a link to the story


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Bud_3

> - Grumpy


Good one!


----------



## Bud_3

> It's a win-win situations after all.Farmers do what they enjoy to do:farming and the big corporations…making billion of course.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - oldnovice


----------



## oldnovice

I think you missed the point *Bud3* .... by a couple of miles!


----------



## Bud_3

Sure i did!Nevermind…


----------



## TheDane

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?

I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Bonka

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All
the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous

waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit

came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, 
"What would you like, sir?" 
beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The
waitress turns and walks away in 
disgust. After she regains her composure she returns
and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" 
and again answers, "a quickie, please." This time her anger

Again the man thoroughly checks her out

takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face

with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."


----------



## cdarney

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" 
The Princess said, "Hell No!!!"

So, the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to strip bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work.

All his friends and family thought he was frigging cool as hell, he had tons of money in the bank and he left the toilet seat up.

The End


----------



## patron

works both ways

Once upon a time Prince Charming asked a beautiful young lady to be his Princess. She said "Hell no!"

So then the young lady went on to start her own company, was a Domina, had a slew of male suitors, hired a house-boy and chauffeur, vacationed in Tahiti, never had to endure pregnancy, never watched TV, wore what she liked, had a pink Rolls, never enhanced anything and made the cover of Fortune.

Everyone thought she was super cool and envied her independence and she had the seat glued down.

The Beginning


----------



## BurlyBob

Love'em both!


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo

*This is funny no mater the persuasion, and a cool photo to boot.*


----------



## patron

one day Jimmy Joe was walking down the street.
when he saw his buddy bubba driving a brand new truck.

"Bubba, where did you get that truck ?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" , Bubba replied

"she gave it to you ? i knew she was sweet on you,
but a brand new truck ?"

"well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
we were driving out on county road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby Sue pulled of the road,
put the truck in 4 wheel drive,
and headed into the woods.

she parked the truck and got out,
threw off all her clothes and said

"Bubba take whatever you want,
so i took the truck"

"you're a smart man, Bubba.
them clothes woulda never fit you"


----------



## TheDane

Wisdom of a Senior

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's rear-end anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses … they're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter … I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


----------



## Bluepine38

Gerry, now that your absent minded, are you having any problems remembering that you are supposed to
learn how to act in public. The reason I ask is that my kids won't accept the excuse that I forgot that I was
not supposed to do that anymore.


----------



## TheDane

> Gerry, now that your absent minded, are you having any problems remembering that you are supposed to learn how to act in public. The reason I ask is that my kids won t accept the excuse that I forgot that I was not supposed to do that anymore.
> 
> - Bluepine38


My wife has an ever-growing list of restaurants and stores that we can't go into.


----------



## DrDirt

Does someone need a t-shirt?


----------



## TheDane

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the $hit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the $hit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an @$$hole and a briefcase."


----------



## BurlyBob

How very true…sadly.


----------



## patron

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer.
they were enjoying the silence when Bubba says,

"Think i'm gonna divorce the wife, she ain't spoke to me in two months"

Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think that over ……. women like that are hard to find"


----------



## DanYo

What's the definition of a Yankee? 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.

Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself


----------



## Grumpy

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


----------



## TheDane

Epiphany: A sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. 
___

Never really gave this a thought before, but the reason Andy Griffith's town of Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.

Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course Opie-all single.

The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Just sayin'.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy
.
.
The Wedding

Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon, so get out your check book.

I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. As you know, I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viper.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter, 
Lilly

My Dear Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool! 
Whatever….., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Dad


----------



## TheDane

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty' yet."

Mother says: "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes, but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "Works for ketchup."


----------



## TheDane

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing:

Husband: - "I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home." 
Sergeant: - "What is her height?" 
Husband: - Gee, I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall." 
Sergeant: - "Build?" 
Husband: - Not slim, not really fat." 
Sergeant: - "Color of eyes?" 
Husband: - "Never noticed." 
Sergeant: - "Color of hair?" 
Husband: - "Changes a couple times a year … maybe red." 
Sergeant: - "What was she wearing?" 
Husband: - Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly." 
Sergeant: - "Did she go in a car?" 
Husband: - "No, she went in my truck." 
Sergeant: - "What kind of truck was it?" 
Husband: - "Brand new Ford F150 with Eco-boost V6 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelin's. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.……at this point the husband started tearing up and almost cried." 
Sergeant: - Don't worry Bubba…....We'll find your truck."


----------



## Grumpy

Gerry, that's like the joke about the guy who lost his camel
.
The cop says"What colour was it?" 
Camel owner
"Not sure" 
Cop
"How high was it?" 
Camel owner
"Dunno" 
Cop
"How many humps does it have?" 
Camel owner
"Can't remember" 
Cop, getting frustrated
"Male or female?" 
Camel owner
"Definitely male?
Cop
"You don't know it's colour, it's height or how many humps it has. How can you be sure about the sex" 
Camel owner
"That's easy , I was riding down the road yesterday & someone yelled out" 
.
.
.
"Look at the prick on that camel"


----------



## Bud_3




----------



## Bud_3

This one is with responsibility…


----------



## Bud_3

capitalism to the extreme


----------



## Bud_3

Fast acupuncture


----------



## bladedust

Actually the "Capitalism" cartoon is more suited for government. Creating a problem where there was none and fixing it by collecting additional taxes and touting themselves the heroes for having solved the problem they created in first place.


----------



## Bud_3

Thinking themselves as heroes is true but they are nothing than opportunistic people….who happens to be elected by us,and this is the fun part.


----------



## oldnovice

The biggest lie *"I'm from the government and I am here to help"*.


----------



## Grumpy

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante


----------



## darinS

Hair through the ages


----------



## Bud_3




----------



## TheDane

Word Usage …

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

Every calendar's days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Acupuncture is a jab well done


----------



## Grumpy

This was a guest speaker at an actual Conference on Aging in California; The speaker is a weatherman, but he could be a standup comic. 
.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-pastry_us_57585d41e4b0ced23ca6b1e1?utm_hp_ref=weird-news


----------



## DanYo

[removed by admin]


----------



## Grumpy

Tut Tut Danny boy!


----------



## TheDane

When I was a kid …

Certain fruits and vegetables appeared only "in season" and were a wonderful treat - while they lasted!

Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

A take-away was a mathematical problem.

Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All chips were plain.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties … was elbows, hats and cell phones.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

One from Danny Boy, thanks mate
.
.
Live and learn.

Age Discrimination at the Dealership….

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $155,000 asking price," said the older man.

"Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $130,000 to the lovely young lady there. 
You insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man…
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price…. 
See you later, dad."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bud_3

Math problem


----------



## Grumpy

Very risky post Bud. You are a game boy.


----------



## TheDane

Three **************************************** were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Donnie says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

**************************************** are good at Sensitive Stuff.


----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, that was a great one! Keep them coming.


----------



## oldnovice

Two Tennessee **************************************** are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is?" 
The second hunter says," I don't know.
Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." 
The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." 
So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them.
As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?" 
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . .headfirst into this here hole!!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible I had him chained to a transmission."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bud_3

Like to tease them and know women are beautiful and sensitive creatures,otherwise i would not do this if i did not believe that they have a sense of humor too.Yet I hope not to have gone too far…


----------



## Cher

Bud_3, I dont ever read about women insulting men…. be nice, it is because of a woman that you are here xx


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Once I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a 
turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had
in mind.


----------



## TheDane

More things to ponder …

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called …'Ministers do more than lay people'.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash, and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment … for enjoying sex.

And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way…


----------



## Grumpy

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they 
tested positive for WD40.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## oldnovice

Hey *Dan*, we have all done that!
At least the nose is above the water.


----------



## TheDane

Got my gun permit yesterday, so I went over to the local Cabella's to get a pistol for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.


----------



## patron

probably be put on the no fly list now

unless you can get a permit
to buy depends
and can prove you have them on


----------



## TheDane

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 - Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.


----------



## TheDane

The 2015 Darwins are out …

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape…

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

[*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


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## Chippy344

Two toads sat on a toadstool. One says to the other, "There's not mushroom on here!"


----------



## Chippy344

The egg jumps into the frying pan and screams "Argh! It'shot in here!" 
The bacon turned to the sausage and said "Am I imagining things or is that a talking egg?"


----------



## DrDirt

We miss the good old Yiddish humour. 
Not a single swear word in their comic routines, as shown below:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
-----------------------------------------
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
---------------------------------------------
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
------------------------------------------------
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
--------------------------------------
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea
---------------------------------------
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"
------------------------
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
-------------------------
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get Started
--------------------------------
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
--------------------------------
A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."


----------



## TheDane

This morning I lucked out, and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo ya' got?"


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## DrDirt

Awesome Gerry!!! Especially .22 LR.


----------



## Grumpy

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or 
my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last 
night, and all he did was suggest he should hold
auditions for her part.


----------



## DrDirt




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## Grumpy

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. 
My next crap could spell disaster.


----------



## TheDane

The $2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'Seniors Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'Yes!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

And that's why you should never mess with old people!


----------



## Grumpy

A girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 
"How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!


----------



## Grumpy

English Stiff Upper Lip: On a train from London to Manchester , an Australian 
was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. 
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me… I'm ME! 
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. 
What do you say to that?

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"


----------



## DoitRightorNotatAll

Love the jokes!


----------



## Grumpy

One game jester
.
I woke up this morning for breakfast at 8, and could sense something was 
wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on
the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then 
I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast all day.


----------



## TheDane

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Coors Light beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country…the history, the culture, and especially the beer."

"Nah, we don't like that British garbage," says John. "Hamburgers and Coors beer, that's for us, right Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive…"


----------



## TheDane

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."

"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.


----------



## TheDane

EVER WONDER…

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


----------



## 000

Not really a joke but I got a chuckle.

I went into our new Harbor Freight Store today and could help thinking that all the old guys in there were Lumberjocks..


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## TheDane

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad .I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too!"


----------



## dawsonbob

jbay

We were.


----------



## Grumpy

oNE FROM dAN
.
The King and Queen go fishing

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your
Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date…


----------



## TheDane

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.


----------



## oldnovice

King Arthur showing the round table to his knights, said "fellow knights just look at this beautiful round table".
Sir Lancelot asked "who built this round table?" 
King Arthur replied "Sir Cumference."


----------



## Grumpy

Confessions of an unhappy man
.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as 
she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going 
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely
enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I 
thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, 
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


----------



## patron

ON THE POWER OF PRAYER:

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH

(What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada.)

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
business from expanding-with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike the
church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church … "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business-either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull***t."


----------



## DanYo

now this is funny


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanYo




----------



## Grumpy

The grumpy pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call many times before he would even answer the phone." 
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist to demand an apology. 
Before he could say more than a couple of words, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys." "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three streets from my shop, I had a flat tyre." "When I finally got to the shop a lot of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the shop opened and started serving these people, whilst all the time the damn phone was ringing. 
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the till to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open till drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. 
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer." 
"And believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."


----------



## Bonka

A lady goes to see a Podiatrist. The Podiatrist looks at her feet and asks what the problem is. She said I have this terrible itch and burning between my toes. The Podiatrist asks which ones? She replied the big ones.


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, that was a great joke one of the all time best yet!


----------



## Grumpy

St Peter visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.
St Peter visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over the lounge suite and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said St Peter…....

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Wallmart either!"


----------



## TheDane

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well, " said the big Gator, "What have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the $#it out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Alligator, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the $#it out of a politician, there's nothing left but an @$$hole and a briefcase.


----------



## Grumpy

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big ******************** he always was.'


----------



## TheDane

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gerry!.
.
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read:'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.'
The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap .'


----------



## Grumpy

Murphy says to Paddy, " What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!" 
.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Blow that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Recommended Daily Aphorisms.

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Learn from your parent's mistakes-use birth control.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to try to make a living under the laws they've passed.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane

Hollywood Squares-In the 1960's there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares. Basically Stars were asked a question by the host, and the contestants had to guess whether their answer was correct or not. But the real power of the show was the one liners that the stars answered the question with, before giving their real answer. Some of the best responses are below.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be ?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.


----------



## Grumpy

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'


----------



## Bonka




----------



## TheDane

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.

Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier was reluctant and said, "You might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like $#it."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy a roll of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people


----------



## BurlyBob

Outstanding Gerry!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.


----------



## Grumpy

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying ?'
She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon …
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'


----------



## wncguy

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country…the history, the culture, and especially the beer."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive…"


----------



## DanYo




----------



## Bonka

A young lady went into a jewelry store on Rodeo Drive. She was looking at a necklace in a case on the second row. She bent over and let one slip. She looked around and saw no one. A clerk approached her from the rear and she turned her and pointed at the necklace. She asked, ''How much is that?" The clerk responded, "If looking at it made your fart the price will make you ********************."


----------



## Grumpy

The missus packed his bags, and as he walked out the front door, she screamed, 
"I wish you a slow and painful death,
you bastard!" "Oh," he replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


----------



## TheDane

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?


----------



## BurlyBob

That's a good one Gerry.


----------



## Grumpy

A boy says to his father
"Dad I have a part in the school play" 
Dad
"Great son, what part is that?" 
Boy
"I play a man who has been married for 35 years" 
Dad
" Better luck next time mate, you might get a speaking part" 
.


----------



## oldnovice

I am now at that age where I am learning what the *"wee hours of the morning"* means.


----------



## Grumpy

Me too, and it's winter down here as well.


----------



## TheDane

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. "Hello? Oh, hi… I'm so glad that you called… Really? That's wonderful… Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


----------



## Grumpy

Why a Senior should listen carefully to Doctors instructions

The Senior states!
I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" 
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?" 
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO
!!!" 
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there any more.


----------



## wncguy

So this is a conversation between a husband and wife. 
Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?
Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for he past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.
Man: Where's your Ferrari?


----------



## Grumpy

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield


----------



## Dark_Lightning

So, I go the the psychiatrist, he tells me I'm crazy. I say I want a second opinion, he says, "You're ugly, too! Turn face down on the couch! Sheeze."

- Rodney Dangerfield


----------



## Grumpy

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


----------



## TheDane

"Mayday, Mayday!"

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## dawsonbob

Grumpy, I really like the water on Mars pic. Priceless.


----------



## patron

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a silver dollar,
when it used to be the size of a quarter."

Her mother says …..
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away
over 75 cents?"


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..
> 
> - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
> 
> - Grumpy


Don't forget Billy! Remember "Billy Beer"? My father in law actually bought some of it. I seem to remember a quote attributed to Lillian Carter, something along the lines of "I should have had only the two boobs I was born with!"


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks Bob
.
POOF, THE LIGHT GOES ON!

A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"


----------



## DrDirt

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your darn car!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "aint no use knockin, theres no paper on this side either!"


----------



## TheDane

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and shes in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, Ive got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, thats terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun!"


----------



## TheDane

The Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he'd failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question as to just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure.

A Major chimed in with "75-25 in favor of work."

A Captain said it was "50-50."

A Lieutenant responded with 25-75 in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion. Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and asked why.

The PFC answered, "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."


----------



## Grumpy

A Little Jewish Salesman and a Taliban

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little Jewish man standing at a small makeshift
display rack, selling neckties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5." 
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only five dollars."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east
for about two kilometres, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,

"They won't let me in without a tie.


----------



## DrDirt

Finished a government study on the effects of Alcohol on Motor skills….the results were staggering.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British and Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron




----------



## TheDane

A girl potato and boy potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry, no spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But, on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a couch potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And when she went out West, to Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Bill O'Reilly.

Bill O'Reilly?

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Bill O'Reilly because he's just … are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

OK! Here it is!

A COMMONTATER

NOW AREN'T YOU SORRY YOU READ THIS!


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gerry, I 'mashed' my teeth laughing.
.


----------



## DanKrager

A family had escaped rapidly rising flood waters by climbing onto their roof, where at least for a while they felt safe as they waited to be rescued. In the mean time, there wasn't much to do but try to calm the cat and watch the stuff floating by. After a bit the youngest son came over to his dad and said he saw something very unusual happening on the other side of the roof. When father asked what was so unusual, the boy reported, "Well, there's this hat that floats along with all the other stuff until it gets almost out of sight and then turns around and floats UPSTREAM! When it is just about out of sight again, it turns and floats down stream again. And it's been doing that for a while Don't you think that's pretty unusual, Dad? What's going on? D'ya wanna come see?" 
"Naw," the dad replied. "That's just grandpa. He said he was gonna mow the lawn come hell or high water."

DanK


----------



## Grumpy

A report on the Sydney news today
'A truck loaded with toilet paper rolled over blocking traffic. "There were skid marks everywhere"


----------



## Jim Jakosh

I was at the Walmart looking up on a shelf for something and I bumped into something. I looked down and I hit a midget. I asked him if he was okay. He said well I'm not happy. So I said then which one are you??


----------



## cdarney

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher" she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what"????

"A rectum stretcher!"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet"

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge"

Traffic Ticket $398.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face….... PRICELESS

For everything else, there's MasterCard


----------



## oldnovice

*cdarney*, that one is priceless!


----------



## DanYo

No joke
This is a sharp blade.


----------



## DanYo




----------



## DanYo

> Good one Gerry, I mashed my teeth laughing.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


----------



## DrDirt

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which
was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing
to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my
only hope…

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. 
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. 
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? 
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. 
By the way, there was $4 missing. 
I think it might have been those people at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Overheard at a shelter in Florida after hurricane Matthew trashes the place.

Man walks in with a sugarless energy drink and sees another man and woman that he seems to know.

Woman: Oh, those sugar-free drinks are bad for you. They've got all sorts of bad things in there.
Man 2: Yeah, you should be drinking something else.
Woman: You know what's good for you? Wine.
Man 2: Yeah, wine is better. It's made of grapes.
Woman: Yeah, that's fruit. It's good for you.
Man 1: What about vodka?
Man 2: Vodka is probably good for you. Better than that sugar-free energy drink you've got there.
Man 1: What about whiskey?
Woman: Yeah, whiskey ought to have some good stuff in there, too.
Man 2: It's made of grain, so it's got to be good for you too.
Woman: You better stay away from those energy drinks, though. Get you some wine or whiskey.


----------



## PineSucks

> - Dan um Style


I need to get a job there.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Thanks Danny Boy


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

My name is Joe, I have a brief story to tell…

She lives across the street from me… She's single… She's shapely… She's beautiful…

I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"

Being a senior citizen really sucks!


----------



## Grumpy

I can relate to thst Gerry.
.


----------



## TheDane

A woman was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


----------



## patron

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized 
that at my age I don't really give a damn anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while…

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for
150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good 
fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the 
difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to 
play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . 
. .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE….......


> ?


?
Have I sent this message before??

I forget what 21 was…


----------



## oldnovice

*David* you must be my age!


----------



## TheDane

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


----------



## TheDane

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


----------



## Grumpy

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, 
Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" 
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." 
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin 
"Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.
" Again, Bruce instantly replies, 
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." 
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" 
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 
"Well, we've been lucky so far." 
.
.
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little ******************** is so cute!


----------



## patron

An American company and Japanese company decided to have a boat race.

Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels.

On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss and corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding:

The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that the American team had too many people steering and not enough rowing.

As race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.

The new structure:

Four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide a work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.


----------



## patron

Bennett asks his friend Donald, "Hey, can you lend me your book titled 'How To Become A Billionaire'?"

Donald says, "Wait a minute, I'll get it for you".

When Donald gives him the book, Bennett comments, "Thank you, buddy, but half the pages are missing!!"

Donald replies, "So what? Isn't half a billion enough for you?"


----------



## Cher

Recently, in a large city in Australia ,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them … where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, �Good grief, look how smart I am!�

With time, we gain weight


----------



## DrDirt

She's single… She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I just got home,
and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight.
Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great,"she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen really sucks!


----------



## DrDirt

The Wife from Hell
A police officer pulls over a…
speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second
ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt
when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and
barks, ' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? '

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.! '


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## patron

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.


----------



## Grumpy

New Wine For Prior to Bed
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors , I kid you not…..
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, 
which primarily produce 
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot 
Grigio wines, 
have developed a new hybrid grape 
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips 
older people have to make to the 
bathroom during the night.
.
The new wine will be
marketed as 
.
.
PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!! 
I just could not help it! 
Forward this to all your "senior" friends 
I just did.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

British car jacking

http://www.ourlighterside.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Car-jacking113-2.mp4


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bud_3

> - Grumpy


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago….

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended northmont high school.'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. 
.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, 'what did you teach?'


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy. Santa may be a bit late looking at this.
.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins……


----------



## DanKrager

Back when the U.S.A. was busy out-manufacturing the rest of the world, buyers came here in droves to arrange large purchases. At one such event in a huge boat yard, the buyer and seller were touring the facilities when the noon whistle sounded and workers put down their tools and headed out the door. The buyer was so concerned about this turn of events that he shouted for the guards to close the doors because the workers were getting away! The seller tried to calm the buyer and assured him that in 29 minutes the whistle would sound again and the workers would come back in and get right to work. Sure enough, 29 minutes on the dot the whistle sounded and the workers filed back in and got right to work. The buyer was speechless because he had never seen that before. When the seller tried to close the sale by asking how many boats the buyer would like, the buyer got very excited. "Never mind the boats! How much do you want for that whistle?"


----------



## DanKrager

The family was all gathered for grandmas 100th birthday party and everyone was having fun. Grandma was seated comfortably in her wheel chair watching all the festivities. Pretty soon she began to lean to one side and when someone noticed, they rushed over and tucked in a pillow on that side. Everyone was busy with the party festivities when they noticed grandma was now leaning to the other side. A couple people rushed over and tucked another pillow in on that side. Everyone went back to their games but kept an eye out on grandma just in case. Sure enough, they noticed she was beginning to lean forward. Afraid that she might fall out and get hurt, they gently tied a strap around her to hold her upright. Grandma was quiet through all of this and seemed to appreciate the attention. Pretty soon the youngest great grandson showed up late to the party and feeling guilty, he went straight to grandma to offer his congratulations and chat with her. After catching up with all that was happening to him, he asked how she was enjoying the party. "Well," she replied, "the party is fine and it's good to see everyone, but they won't let me fart!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron

Miraculously, a pig's orgasm can last for well over 30 minutes.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

With New Years Eve close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.

Well, two weeks ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had a few drinks followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice champagne. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before. I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

How to make a table top float.

Two scoops of table top and some root beer.

I'll get my coat on the way out.


----------



## Grumpy

*This is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to:*

This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre. 
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.

One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door. He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area.

An hour later, he still hadn't arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain, and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

WHY SENIORS SHOULD NOT GO TO SUMMER CAMP
.








.
http://i.imgur.com/2SvpTAA.gifv


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bud_3

> - Grumpy


My friends always tell me i'm not good at hunting…


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## dbray45

My grandmother smoked for many years. Back then there were few choices for brands - Lucky Strike and Camels. Her favorite saying - "There is nothing worse than sucking on the butt of a Camel!" Still holds true.

And yes, I still remember the LSMFT.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bluepine38

Grumpy, did you sneak that lighted stick of dynamite under the bed just before you posted the picture?


----------



## DrDirt

OMG!!! YOU WILL NOT believe what just happened!! I'm at the Flying J getting my coffee just now when I walked up and notice two police officers looking at this young lady who was smoking while pumping her gas. I was like, This chick is TRIPPIN! I went in, got my coffee and as I was checking out I hear somebody screaming. I look outside and the girls arm was on fire!!

She was waving her arm around and just going crazy. The police threw her to the ground and were putting th…e fire out with an extinguisher. When I walked out, the officers had handcuffs on her and were about to put her in the back of the car and I was like, "What the?!" So being the concerned one , I asked the officers what they were arresting her for, figuring that her arm on fire was enough punishment. He looked me dead in the eye and said, …….

"For waving a Firearm."


----------



## Grumpy

Good one DrDirt. Didn't see that punchline coming.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

A forgetful husband forgot his wife's birthday and needless to say she was upset.
She told him "tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" 
In the morning she looked in the driveway and saw a box.
She immediately went out and opened the box and found a bathroom scale!
The husband hasn't been seen since!


----------



## Grumpy

Chicken Surprise…

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and
order the 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she

briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams
back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and

again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it
slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

(You're going to love this, and you're going to hate yourself for loving
it!...)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by
mistake'......


----------



## TheDane

TIPS FROM THE *********************************** BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING: (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A *********************************** MURDER:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.


----------



## DrDirt

A MAN WHO JUST DIED IS DELIVERED TO A LOCAL MORTUARY WEARING AN EXPENSIVE, EXPERTLY TAILORED BLACK SUIT.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out
that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants
him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what… it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous
blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. The suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very
grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with her blank check back.

How much did you spend?'
'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked
his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dennisgrosen

damm nobody should have seen me make that shortcut Grumpy

Dennis


----------



## Grumpy

I heard it was you Dennis. Now everyone knows. LOL


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## dawsonbob

That would certainly cure any Himalayan constipation I might have.


----------



## Bluepine38

It might cure the constipation, but the lack of privacy would be embarrassing.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

I actually saw this happen in Norfolk Island, a cow looked both ways & stopped to let us pass.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his business hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom! ' she said.

'I did, ' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'


----------



## Grumpy

Sign in Shoe-Repair Store in Vancouver Reads
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
.
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
.
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You have come to the right place."
.
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
.
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume that you
are on fire, and will take appropriate action."
.
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment."
.
Outside a Exhaust Repair Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming." 
.
In a Vet's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
.
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
.
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."


----------



## TheDane

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."


----------



## TheDane

A blonde city girl, named Amy, marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy: "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is, in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on.

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile)


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that he is

working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel

under a constrained environment."

I was impressed…

On further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water …....

under his wife's supervision.


----------



## Grumpy

The Pensioners Prenuptial Agreement

An elderly couple reaching their late 70s are about to get married but before they say their vows, the woman wanted to talk.

She said: "I want to keep my house." 
He said: "That's fine with me." 
She said: "I want to keep my car." 
He said: "That's fine with me." 
She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."

He said: "Put me down for Fridays."


----------



## wncguy

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

I read somewhere that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?


----------



## Grumpy

From an anonymous friend
.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.
I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.
You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. 
I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it…


----------



## Grumpy

a man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Christmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your ass
and go as a toffee apple.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## cdarney

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been
thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: "I wasn't."


----------



## Grumpy

This looks like it was taken at Coober Pedy in the Australian outback. All the greens are blacks and there is no grass on the fairways. This is where opals are mined. The rare black opal comes from here. There are reported to be over 2 million holes in the ground here from prospecting. Many of the people live underground.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy
.
When you are 70+....
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches . . . but when you're seventy+-who cares?


----------



## dawsonbob

Being over seventy, Grumpy, I really like that one.


----------



## BurlyBob

I had a girlfriend like that once. Lost track of her over the years. And that's a good thing! Guess she never did find the right guy.


----------



## Grumpy

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." 
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but when you're seventy+-who cares?


----------



## papadan




----------



## Grumpy

> >>> I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
> >>>
> >>> The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell off the diving board.
> >>>
> >>> When you're seventy+-who cares?


----------



## patron

Edwin took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?" 
.
.
.
.
"...Sticks?" Edwin replied.


----------



## Grumpy

> >>> I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
> >>>
> >>> I said, "Good legs." 
> >>>
> >>> The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" 
> >>>
> >>> I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." 
> >>>
> >>> Cost me 6 more stitches, but when you're seventy+-who cares?


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher My five-year old students are learning to read.
Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" 
I took a deep breath, then asked …..."What did you call it?" 
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" 
And so it does… " A f r i c a n Elephant.


----------



## Grumpy

Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I'm sleeping with the Minister's wife. 
Can you hold him in the church for an hour after services for me?"

Irving wasn't very fond of the idea, but being Morris's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed. 
After the services, Irving struck up a conversation with the Minister, asking all sorts of stupid 
and ridiculous questions, just to keep him occupied.

After some time, the wise Minister became suspicious and asked Irving what was he really up to.

Now, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, Irving confessed to the Minister, 
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The wise Minister smiled and put a brotherly hand on Irving 's shoulder and said, 
"You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago!"


----------



## DanKrager

Three surgeons were relaxing in the doctors' lounge between surgeries when they began to compare notes on their favorite types of people to operate upon. First doctor reported that his favorite type of person to operate upon was a librarian because when you open them up everything is in alphabetical order and it's very easy to get things back where they belong. The second surgeon reported that his favorite type of person was an electrician. Everything is color coded and very easy to get things back where they belong. The third doctor said "PPPPSHAW! That's nothin'. The simplest surgery I ever did was on a politician. They've only got two working parts, their head and their ass, and they're interchangeable!" 
DanK


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Money can't buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers


----------



## TheDane

It's 1942 and the train is quite crowded, a U.S. Marine walks the entire length looking for a seat, but the only one left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat!'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!!'


----------



## TheDane

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs 
And make love,' and you answer, 
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
Your friends compliment you 
on your new alligator shoes 
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy 
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
Going braless 
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
You don't care where your spouse goes, 
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
You are cautioned to slow down by 
the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
'Getting a little action' means 
you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
'Getting lucky' means 
you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN… 
An 'all nighter' means 
not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN…. 
You are not sure these are jokes.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates


----------



## cdarney

Students at a local college were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
They were asked to do a book report and contrast the 2 books.
One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

Titanic: Cost = $29.99
Clinton : Cost = $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull******************** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Roses dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica's.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Lets not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica… Ooh, lets not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary; basically the same thing.

His professor gave him an A+


----------



## TheDane




----------



## oldnovice

Courtesy of Wallingford Gas Station in Seattle!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off-it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

"I doubt it", said the truly proud ***********************************.'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
.
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."


----------



## Grumpy

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets
full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging
pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he
said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a
very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her
curiosity any longer, she asked; 'Does it hurt as much
as tennis elbow?'


----------



## TheDane

For all the wine drinkers out there!!!

Open a beer … read the following quotes about beer and enjoy…

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth

- - - - - -

"If all you had to look forward to was sleeping with Lady Bird you'd stay drunk too." 
Lyndon B. Johnson

- - - - - -

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

- - - - - -

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken

- - - - - -

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw

- - - - - -

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

- - - - - -

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza"
Dave Barry

- - - - - -

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

- - - - - -

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

- - - - - -

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher


----------



## TheDane

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers


----------



## Grumpy

That's what my buddy thinks about beer!!!.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## 000

What do ya suppose he's looking for?


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BJODay

> What do ya suppose he s looking for?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - jbay


I don't understand soccer. 
Is he trying to capture the World Cup?
BJ


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Good one Grumpy ;-)


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## TheDane

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.


----------



## TheDane

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


----------



## TheDane

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## papadan

> - Grumpy


See that Grumpy, there is even a woman for you!


----------



## oldnovice

Courtesy of Wallingford Gas Station in Seattle!


----------



## DrDirt

DnTechnical Work
I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working
on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed…On further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water …….under his wife's supervision


----------



## Bluepine38

For the monster under the bed or in your neighbors closet.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanKrager

'Nuff said.









DanK


----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy

Robert must be related to this two.
.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

That is funny GRumpy. AS good as Hans and Frans on Saturday night Live.


----------



## Grumpy

Donald MacDonald from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law
at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the
hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. 
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people…
The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop… 
The one on the other side screams and screams all night." 
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these
awful noisy English neighbours?" she asked her son.
Donald replied enthusiastically:
"Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them.
I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."


----------



## TheDane

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.

"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.

"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"

"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"

"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T'was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"

It was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged, however, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he, reluctantly, let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

My bride asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.


----------



## DrDirt

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s-t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?

'Couple of minutes ago.'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Jim Jakosh

There was this farmer named Gary in Iowa who lived next to a farmer who had all the latest farming equipment, but Gary only had a mule. Well Gary's wife would constantly nag him and the only peace he had was when he was plowing behind his mule. One day Gary's wife brought him lunch out to the field. He thought that was real nice but right away she started in nagging the heck out of him for something or other. Pretty soon the mule walked up beside her and kicked her in the head and killed her.
At the funeral, the pastor was watching all the people come up to Gary and when the women would talk to him he would nod his head positively. When the me would talk to him, he would shake his head saying no!

After the funeral the pastor asked Gary why he nodded when the women talked to him and said no when the men talked to him.
Gary said the women all said " Doesn't she look nice?" and he said yes she does.
When the men came up to him they all asked,"do you want to sell that mule?" and he said no!!


----------



## BurlyBob

I love that one Jim.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Two women were talking in Heaven.

Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

I froze to death.

How horrible said the other woman!

It wasn't so bad replied Sylvia. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy. Eventually I died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early so that I could catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched. Then I scurried down into the basement. After that, I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere! Finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Last, Last lucky last!
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## cdarney

Daddy Long Legs
Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. 
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered..

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. 
'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that sh#t in Texas."


----------



## Grumpy

Very good cdarney.
.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - patron


8^D Got wood?!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked:
"Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach," replied the little boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together, as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a ********************head, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

You can thank Dan for this one!
.
AN IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though 
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. 
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door…. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying… and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other….

Look Paddy….there's that $%^&*@# idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'


----------



## TheDane

Three women were having lunch. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and the third has been married for 20+ years.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went…......

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."

Then the married one had to share her story: "When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........

(you are going to love this..)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"


----------



## dawsonbob

"What's for dinner, Zorro?" That's a great one. I love it.


----------



## oldsailor59

An English noble man acquired a large estate in Ireland. He spent thousands of pounds surrounding the house with beautiful gardens. After a few months he noticed flowers were dying. The gardener told him it was moles. The noble man brought in exterminators from far and wide, but none could catch the moles. He finally posted an offer of 10,000 pounds for anyone who could get rid of the moles.
My great grandfather was a mole catcher and signed up. He worked for several weeks, then told the noble man the moles were gone. He paid the mole catcher the 10,000 pounds, then asked the question "What did you do with the moles you caught?" 
My great grandfather, with the 10,000 pounds safely in his pockets, got on his horse. "Well you lordship, knowing the misery they have caused, I gave them the most horrible end I could think of." 
"What was that?" 
As he began to ride away, great grandfather yelled, "I took 'em behind your house and buried them alive."


----------



## Grumpy

This series is from Andy
.
Signs of laughter

Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."


----------



## TheDane

Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson.

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5-minutes.

The final question was:'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?' Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:
*When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
*When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
*And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year old Scotch!


----------



## TheDane

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware


----------



## TheDane

I bought a new stick deodorant yesterday.

The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom. "

It hurts to walk, but when I fart, my world smells great.


----------



## Bonka

The Hippie said to his girlfrien, "I want to screw you the worst way I can think of." 
She replied, "The worst way I can think of is standing up in a hammock!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Jim Jakosh

A guy and his wife were out sightseeing and a pigeon came by and dropped a load right on the wife's head, 
The wife hollered and said "Hurry get some toilet paper" 
The man said " why, he is four blocks away by now!!


----------



## DanKrager

A minister in a rural country church was concerned about the unkempt condition of the church building. It looked shabby because the paint was peeling off and the place just looked neglected. So he started a fund raising effort to get the paint needed. After three months of struggle and prodding, he finally had enough to buy the paint. So early on a Monday morning, he got started scraping and doing all the prep work. By Thursday he had all that done and was concerned that he was running out of time to having done by Sunday. So he worked long days and by Saturday afternoon realized that he did not have enough paint to finish the job. He didn't have enough money to buy all the paint really needed, so he had been thinning it to make it go farther. By late Saturday, it was getting really thin, and a storm was coming up. He managed to finish before dark just as it started to rain. During the night it rained really hard and the wind whipped the rain like a pressure washer. Early Sunday morning the minister arrived at the church and to his great dismay all the paint had been washed away and the building looked shabbier than ever. He was tired, sore and crushed. He fell to his knees with a great cry of anguish. "Lord, I worked very hard to raise the money, scrape the whole building, and paint it to make your house look its best, but I didn't have enough money to buy enough paint, so I had to thin it and now the rain has washed it away? What am I going to do?

To his astonishment God replied in a booming voice "Repaint, and thin no more."

DanK


----------



## Grumpy

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following: 
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. ( Aisle 9 ) 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. ( Aisle 7 ) 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better .

Thank you for shopping at Costco!


----------



## DrDirt

Two old ladies are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The elderly ladies are fascinated by this. One of the women is overcome by curiosity, and she reaches into the cage to touch it. Suddenly, the gorilla grabs her, drags her through the bars into the cage and mates with her for two hours nonstop!

When he's done, the gorilla pushes the woman back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the woman is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later her friend visits her and asks: "Are you hurt?"

"Am I hurt?" she answers. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written."


----------



## DrDirt

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are …you okay?
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## TheDane

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

"She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy

Back from a cruise of the South Pacific.
I see my buddies have been doing well on the jokes.
.
After my recent Prostate Exam, which was one of the most thorough, extensive ones I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear…

She said….

"Who Was That guy?"


----------



## patron

This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria.

One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door. He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining area.

An hour later, he still hadn't arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain, and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.


----------



## bobro

I work in the arts and music as well as woodwork, so this one is just hilarious in my opinion


----------



## DanKrager

The verdict was "guilty as charged" so the criminal was taken to his cell. After several weeks of sitting in his cell listening to the conversations carried on across the cell block, he noticed that every time someone said a number the entire cell block, except him, roared with laughter. After noticing and confirming that it was indeed the number that triggered the laughter, he decided that he would try to join in. So one day he hollered out a number and was met with dead silence. He tried a different number…same result. Later on at the dining hall he inquired why no one laughed when he yelled a number. So it was explained to him what the numbers meant. They had all been there so long and had heard all the jokes so many times, that eventually they, being on the lazy side, just numbered them. So everyone knew what number referred to what joke. "But that doesn't explain why no one laughed when I picked a number." The reply was, "Well, some people can tell a joke and others can't!"

DanK


----------



## DrDirt

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
… It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5'2″
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, "When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.


----------



## patron

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. 
The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. 
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. 
The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. 
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. 
The farmer looks very pleased "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows." 
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" 
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. 
"What kind of pills?" 
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."


----------



## TheDane

A husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band starts to play and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it up, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"


----------



## DrDirt

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. 
"I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."


----------



## DrDirt

Oldie but a goodie


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## papadan

Now ain't that the truth!


> Oldie but a goodie
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - DrDirt


----------



## Grumpy

Good to see the jokes have been streaming in while I was away.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BigPimpin

.


----------



## Grumpy

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, 
not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?


----------



## WoodES

Maybe it included the count from Utah….


----------



## Grumpy

Perhaps. I'm going there later this year. Do you reckon I will find the answer WoodES?.


----------



## Grumpy

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. 
I gave him a glass of water.


----------



## Grumpy

Not my words but who knows who said it!.
.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. 
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


----------



## Grumpy

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.


----------



## Grumpy

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.


----------



## DrDirt

A Saudi, a Venezuelan, a North Korean and a native New Yorker are walking down the street past the UN.
A reporter comes up to them and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Venezuelan says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker says, "What the f**k is 'excuse me'?!"


----------



## DrDirt

That Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied…"Divorce attorney."


----------



## DrDirt

IT IS BEST TO WHISPER !!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied, in a loud voice,
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was
deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$800 FOR ONE NIGHT? ….. I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".


----------



## Grumpy

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


----------



## Grumpy

A recent study has found that women, who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.


----------



## TheDane

*GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS…*

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here…

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.


----------



## Grumpy

All golfers who suffer from responses such as these
.
Ten Best Caddy Responses:
.
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." 
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." 
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" 
Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" 
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." 
Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction." 
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?" 
Caddy: "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." 
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." 
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus

An old favorite . . .

About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . .

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy,

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . .?" 
Caddy: "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club." 
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face.
Caddy: " . . . other end."


----------



## TheDane

An elderly couple, both well into their 80's, went to a relations therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"

The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for advice that he agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and said good bye.

The next week, the same couple returned and asked the therapist to watch again. The therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all….

"Medicare pays $43 of it!"


----------



## Grumpy

One from Dan
.
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ….... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy

What a 'Bummer' Jerry. LOL


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## finishworknotsogood

When will a chicken ever be able to cross the road without it's motives being questioned?


----------



## papadan

Grumpy, there was a news article about women marrying them selves! people do some weird ******************** now days.


> Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year,
> not to cause any trouble, but shouldn t that be an even number?
> 
> - Grumpy


----------



## Grumpy

Financial Planning
.
Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. 
The donkey has died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with 
that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a 
profit of £998′
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for a Bank.


----------



## Grumpy

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


----------



## Grumpy

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.


----------



## Grumpy

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Dan for this one!.
.
The Wayside Chapel

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommend any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparations for the move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a Water Closet (toilet) around the place. She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there was a "W.C." near the room.

The schoolmaster was a poor master of English so he asked the parish priest about the meaning of the letters "W.C." and the only solution they could come up with for the letters was "Wayside Chapel". The schoolmaster then wrote the following note to the English lady seeking a "W.C." with her room.

Dear Madam: I take great comfort in informing you that a "W.C." is situated nine miles from the house in the corner of a beautiful grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people, and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great many people expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is usually plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, particularly if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good many bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others, who can't afford to go by car, arrive just in time. I would especially advise your ladyship to go on Thursdays when there is an organ accompanist. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the "W.C." and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually reserved for one, and it was wonderful to see the expression on their faces.

The newest attraction is a bell, donated by a wealthy resident of the district, which rings every time a person enters. A Bazaar is to be held to raise money for plush seats for all, since the people believe it is a long felt want. My wife is rather delicate so she can't go regularly: it is almost a year since she went last. Naturally it pains her not to be able to go more often. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you, if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children there is a special time so that they will not disturb the elders.

Hoping to have been of some service to you, I remain,

Sincerely, The Schoolmaster


----------



## papadan




----------



## papadan




----------



## papadan




----------



## papadan




----------



## papadan




----------



## papadan

*Just for you Grumpy!*


----------



## Grumpy

Not sure about the last one Papadan


----------



## DrDirt

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know,
since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the
world?"

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.

"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?"


----------



## Grumpy

I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. 
I saw it through my telescope last night.


----------



## papadan

What else did ya see last night Grumpy? LMAO


----------



## Grumpy

I went to sea to see the sea but all I could see was sea sea sea. LOL


----------



## patron

i went to sea to see the sea but all i could see was cuvfefe


----------



## oldnovice

According to the Marshall Report:

Covfefe' (pronounced "cuv - fee- fae") is an Antediluvian term for "In the end we win." It was commonly used by the sons of Adam to rail against the evil actions of the fallen who had led man astray.

Boy, you really have to hand it to him to come up with *that* word.


----------



## DrDirt

Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc.
.
These loops never happen in real life, unless…
A company CEO tells his secretary:…
"Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements."

The secretary calls her husband:
"Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."
The husband calls his lover:
"My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together…"
The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:
"Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."
One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:
"Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."
The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:
"My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."
The secretary calls her husband:
"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."
The husband calls his lover:
"We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."
The lover tells the kids:
"My problem was solved, school is back on."
The kid goes to the grandfather:
"Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."
The CEO calls his secretary:
"My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad"
The secretary calls her husband….


----------



## patron

A Catholic priest says to his friend the rabbi that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.

"I go in at well past 9pm in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.

Come 2am as they are clearing everything away I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'

Because I am a man of the cloth they take my word for it and I leave."

The rabbi is clearly impressed and says "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2am they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal.

Sure enough a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And then the rabbi adds "And we're still waiting for the change!"


----------



## Grumpy

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing 
Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ah've got everythin' 
organised awready, the flooers, the church, the caurs, the reception, 
the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. 
What's the tartin?" 
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white."


----------



## TheDane

A man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of and brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The man then asked softly "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in the line."


----------



## Grumpy

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.


----------



## Grumpy

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments to the bank


----------



## Grumpy

SENIOR ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." 
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." 
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." 
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"


----------



## Grumpy

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" 
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" 
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."


----------



## DrDirt

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench at The Verandah, a Florida Adult community in Bonita Springs,
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single…?!'


----------



## GR8HUNTER

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya f##king' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off! and shove them up your ass"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough? :<))


----------



## Grumpy

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me… I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." 
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"


----------



## TheDane

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer Jack called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The "school crossing" sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer Jack called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer Jack off his back the policeman said "Sure. Put up your own sign."

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer Jack. "How is the problem with the speeding drivers, and did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.

So he drove out to Farmer Jack's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch for chicks!'


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Jerry.
.


----------



## Grumpy

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-85. Please be careful!" 
"Hell," said Vernon ,"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!


----------



## WoodES

Harley Gal & Guy
A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs, a green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, he is."

"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."


----------



## steliart




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## joandust

I don't know if this has been posted before but it always cracks me up, I'm a sucker for puns I admit!










Hope you're all having a wonderful weekend and thanks for the laughs.


----------



## GR8HUNTER

hey YOGI where's BOOBOO with your picnic basket LMAO :<))


----------



## TheDane

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."


----------



## Grumpy

joandust, I can only "Bear" to think about it!.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency.
The social workers there, raise doubts about the living conditions in a circus, but the couple produce photos of their 50-foot luxury motor home, which is clean and well-maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers also raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter as long as the kid fits in the cannon."


----------



## TheDane

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is…... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## WoodES

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score…'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides


----------



## Grumpy

I read a book on the weekend on 'levitation'.
I just couldn't put it down.
.


----------



## Grumpy

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. "Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."


----------



## Grumpy

Ok, riddle time!!!
What do you call a *bull with no legs*????


----------



## JJohnston

Could it be…*Ground* beef?


----------



## 000

> Ok, riddle time!!!
> What do you call a *bull with no legs*????
> 
> - Grumpy


Doesn't matter, it won't come?


----------



## dawsonbob

I like JJohnston's Ground beef line the best so far. I don't know what the real answer is, but it would be tough to beat Ground beef.


----------



## DrDirt

2 legged cow is Lean beef

What do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of amnesia


----------



## Grumpy

Ground beef is the right answer & good one from DrDirt


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


----------



## papadan

So Paddy was drunk again! LOL


----------



## DrDirt

Why should you never play poker with African cats?

Because they're cheetahs.

And if they say they're not, they're lion.


----------



## DrDirt

Why are leopards bad at hide and seek?

They are always spotted.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## dawsonbob

You forgot about having to adjust the rabbit ears.


----------



## KentInOttawa

> - DrDirt


Both ways. And without air conditioning!


----------



## TheDane

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ... I'm talking to that little ******************** on your lap."


----------



## oldnovice




----------



## BurlyBob

Isn't that the truth.


----------



## dawsonbob

Yep. Roger that.


----------



## DrDirt

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail t…o his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: November 18, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.


----------



## TheDane

After being married for 55 years this month, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty-five years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now … I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 78-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!


----------



## TheDane

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're kidding me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."


----------



## Grumpy

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. 
They decided it was because they had not been baptised and didn't go to Sunday school. 
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there. 
One little boy said, "we need to be baptised because no one will come out and play with us. 
Will you baptise us?" 
"Sure," said the janitor. 
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. 
Then he said, "You are now baptised!" 
When they got outside, one of them asked, "'what religion do you think we are?" 
The oldest one said, "We're notKathlick, because they pour the water on you." 
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water." 
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you." 
The littlest one said, "didn't you smell that water?" 
They all joined in asking, 
'Yeah! 
What do you think that means?'
.
.
.
"I think it means we're Pissbitarian!"


----------



## DrDirt

There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.

Hearing about a new priest in a nearby parrish who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would talk to the priest with the boys and he agreed.

The mother went to the priest and made her request, and the priest agreed,… but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.
The priest sat the boy down across his huge desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.
Finally the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "young man, where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, looked in the corners of the room, all around, and said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy looked around but said nothing.

A third time, in a firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk, put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young Man, I ask you, where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran from the room and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We're in biiiiig trouble.

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "I'm telling you, we are in big trouble. God is missing and they think we did it.


----------



## papadan

Grumpy, I think I might be Pissbitarian! LMAO


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

The shape of things to come…

ORDERING A PIZZA IN TODAY'S WORLD

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir, it's Google's Pizza.

Did I dial the wrong number?

No sir, Google bought the pizza store.

Oh, all right - then I'd like to place an order please.

Okay sir, do you want the usual?

The usual? You know what my usual is?

According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you've ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

Okay - that's what I want this time too.

May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?

No, I hate vegetables.

But your cholesterol is not good.

How do you know?

Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Maybe so, but I don't want the pizza you suggest - I already takemedicine for high cholesterol.

But you haven't taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.

I bought more from another drugstore.

It's not showing on your credit card sir.

I paid in cash.

But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.

I have another source of cash.

This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.

WHAT THE HELL? ENOUGH! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without internet, where there's no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me …

I understand sir, but you'll need to renew your passport … it expired 5 weeks ago.


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gerry.
.


----------



## Grumpy

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks Dan
.


----------



## papadan

*The Art of the Barter*

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous,almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,"What kind of beer you got


----------



## TheDane

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie-and we all know lawyers cannot lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right-and the agent asked: "How many children do you have?

He answered: "Twelve."

The agent asked, "Where are the others?"

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

MORAL:
It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. And don't forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.


----------



## TheDane

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.

His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley.

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

"She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: "I wasn't."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


----------



## DrDirt

My Upcoming Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing and staying erect longer, I was delighted. So was my wife.

But, after several weeks, my penis had grown to 13 inches.

I became quite concerned. Soon I was having problems dressing and even walking. So my wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.

After an Initial examination, the doctor explained to us that, though rare, my condition ("Donkey Doodle") could be fixed through corrective Surgery.

"How Long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," she said coldly, "you are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"


----------



## DrDirt

In Honor of Hump day….


----------



## DrDirt

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" ?

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'


----------



## BurlyBob

Why is it always little Johnny at the center of jokes?


----------



## dawsonbob

Because little Bobby doesn't get caught?


----------



## Grumpy

Post 3129 was Borderline DrDirt. Don't forget kids are members here too, thanks buddy.


----------



## wncguy

When you are 70…..........

I was standing at the veterans bar one night minding my own business when this FAT ugly chick came up
behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" 
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" 
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." 
Cost me 6 stitches…but,
When you're seventy…...........who cares?


I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms,please." 
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" 
I said, "Nah… She's purty good lookin'....." 
When you're seventy…...........who cares?

*
I was talking to a young woman at the veterans bar last night and she said, "If you lost a few pounds,
had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." 
I said to her, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." 
Cost me a fat lip, but…
When you're seventy…............who cares?

**
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then… try." 
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" 
I said, "Yesterday." 
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but…
When you're seventy…............who cares?

***
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy…............who cares?

****
I went to the veterans bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs." 
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" 
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." 
Cost me 6 more stitches, but…
When you're seventy…............who cares?


----------



## TheDane

Harlequin Romance updated to 2017

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily.

My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.

His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.

My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my rib cage.

And then, as he cupped my breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

This is a man, I thought - A man used to taking charge.

A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer.

A man who would tell me what he wanted.

A man who would look into my soul and say . . .

"Okay, ma'am, you can board your flight now."


----------



## TheDane

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Cape Coral reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.


----------



## TheDane

Two elderly people living in Fort Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?' He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.'

'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'


----------



## TheDane

An elderly man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'


----------



## TheDane

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids


----------



## TheDane

Irish Wit

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. Parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the White House. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is the President. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yer self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

The President, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied: "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.


----------



## TheDane

Fifteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick 'em.

13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.

14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

And last, but not least:

15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.

To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!


----------



## Grumpy

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.


----------



## patron

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were sexy and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.


----------



## Grumpy

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


----------



## Grumpy

This one is from Andy
.
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used Premier Wynn's method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.


----------



## Grumpy

An Englishman was shot in the head with a starting pistol. 
Irish Police say it's definitely race related.


----------



## patron

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
Kev saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still, nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The blonde told her how Kev the panel beater had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her Blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hel-l-l-O-O-O-O! You need to wind up the windows first!!.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy

Due to a water shortage, the local Council's Swimming Baths have announced they've closed lanes 7 and 8.


----------



## papadan




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

3 Old Fellas

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'

'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'

'Actually,' said the 80-year -old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up until 7:00.'


----------



## TheDane




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, those last two are awesome. I can totally agree with the last one and totally understand the first but have no experience as I'm only 60.


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. 
He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and feeling dizzy. 
He calls down to Murphy and says, "I tink oi'll 'ave to go home.
I've come all over giddy and feel sick." 
Murphy asks, "'Ave yer got vertigo then Paddy?" 
"No," replies Paddy, "I only live round the corner."


----------



## DrDirt

Bedtime Story …….
A man is driving down the road & breaks down near a monastery.. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, & says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, & even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not… a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, & even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth & tell us how many blades of grass there are & the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns & knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth & devoted my life to the task demanded & have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass & 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, & you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, & he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone… The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, & he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, & amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, & behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing & unbelievable sight ….
…. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!


----------



## JJohnston

A man goes to a monastery and asks about joining. The abbot tells him he has to take a vow of silence, but since it's a liberal monastery, he'll be allowed to say two words every ten years. The man takes his vows and "monks" for ten years without saying a word. The abbot calls him into his office.

"You've done well, my son", he says. "You've gone ten years without saying a word. You may now say your two words."

"Food cold", the novice monk says, and returns to his monk business.

Another ten years go by, and the monk doesn't make a sound. The abbot calls him into his office.

"You've done well, my son", he says. "You've gone another ten years without making a sound. You may now say your two words."

"Bed hard", the monk says.

Another ten years go by - he's now been there thirty years - and he doesn't utter a word. The abbot calls him into his office.

"You've done well, my son", he says. "You've gone another ten years - you've now been here thirty years - without uttering a word. You may now say your two words."

"I quit", says the monk.

"Well, that doesn't surprise me", says the abbot. "All you've done since you got here is complain."


----------



## patron

Proof that Jesus was…

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.


----------



## Grumpy

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


----------



## DS

A young Canadian from Newfoundland moves to Florida and goes to a huge 
"everything under one roof" big box store in Miami, looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" 
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back home." 
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a 
shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we 
close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store 
was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" 
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says, "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 
customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to 
continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our salesforce here in Florida . 
" One sale a day might have been acceptable in Newfoundland, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss 
felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" 
The kid looks up at his boss and says, "$151,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $151,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him 
a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was 
going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need 
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine 
Bayliner. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I 
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Ford 250 
Diesel Truck".

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a 
boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I 
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing …'"


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy & Mick (2 Icelanders) were talking about holidays
Paddy says to Mick
"Where are you going this time?" 
Mick says
"Still thinking about it" 
Paddy
"Why's that?" 
Mick
"Well every time I go away my wife gets pregnant" 
Paddy
"What's wrong with that" 
Mick
"Well this time she might come on holiday too"


----------



## Grumpy

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your cheque book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia… and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.

Your favorite daughter, 
Lily.

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lily,

Like Wow!! Really? Cool!!

Whatever… I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love, 
Dad.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were astonished to
find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.


----------



## Grumpy

A charity worker came to the house today asking to contribute to the floods in North Korea.
I said I would like to but the garden hose wouldn't reach that far.


----------



## Grumpy

COMPASSION? A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig' she cried 'How dare you do this to me-a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you … I want a divorce right away!' The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began-'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ' 'Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use'?


----------



## TheDane

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


----------



## TheDane

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."


----------



## TheDane

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…."


----------



## DrDirt

Men are simple creatures. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.


----------



## DrDirt

NICKNAMES;
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT;
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY;
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
ARGUMENTS;
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE;
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE;
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP;
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL;
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING;
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY;
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


----------



## DrDirt

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
.....
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
…
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap storm that's coming.
...
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.'
If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday… your life sucks!
....
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today….
Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

*
****


----------



## Grumpy

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years….

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


----------



## TheDane

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: 
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And 
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And, 
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bull******************** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!


----------



## DLK

I like it. But I'm a mathematician.


----------



## stevepeterson

> I like it. But I m a mathematician.
> 
> - Combo Prof


Sure you like it since you are a mathematician at 122, but what do I know as an engineer of only 77.


----------



## 000

I'm a cabinet maker (102)
Surprised I'm not at 118 because surely I do enough of it.


----------



## DLK

I guess you are a engineer.
m+a+t+h+e+m+a+t+i+c+i+a+n = 117 not 122.
LOL


----------



## 280305

Me, I'm retured = 79. For reference, lazyass = 103.


----------



## Grumpy

That's nothing, i'm retired. 7 days a week, no holidays, no sick leave, no long service leave. I don't even get the weekend off, LOL.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> That s nothing, i m retired. 7 days a week, no holidays, no sick leave, no long service leave. I don t even get the weekend off, LOL.
> 
> - Grumpy


That's as bad as being a dairy farmer!


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## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife"

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


----------



## Grumpy

From Father: 
My Dear Son, Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. 
My best love and good wishes. 
Your Father. 
From Son: 
Thanks Dad but the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow! 
From Father:
I know…


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## wncguy

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack using a small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words: "While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!" "Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am almost seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said…......

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ********************?


----------



## Dark_Lightning

The wife walks into the kitchen and sees her husband with a flyswatter. She asks, "Getting any flies?". He says, "Yes, three males and two females.". She asks, "how do you know that?". "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."


----------



## TheDane

Thoughts from the shower…


Whether you are successful or not, if you attempt to rob a bank, you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years.


Do most twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?


What if my dog only brings back the ball because he/she thinks I like throwing it?


If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?


Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?


Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?


Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.


Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.


The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".


Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.


100 years ago everyone owned a horse while only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.


Your future self is watching you right now through memories.


The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.


If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.


Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.


If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.


If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day." 
(It does fall on a Tuesday)-


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## woodsmithshop

Subject: Today's religious message. Bless you!

Dealing with SQUIRRELS:

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church . Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.


----------



## Grumpy




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## Grumpy




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## Grumpy




----------



## GR8HUNTER

ROTFLMAO :<))


----------



## DrDirt

Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.


----------



## Jim Jakosh

George and Judy went for their annual physicals. George went in first and when he came out, his wife went in. The doctor says I need to talk to you about George." Judy says "does he have a medical problem?" The doctor said it is more like a mental problem" 
"He says that when he gets up at night to go to the bathroom he opens the door and someone turns on the light for him. Then when he closes the door, someone turns it off"" I'm kinda worried about him" 
Judy says" That old fool is going in the refrigerator again!"


----------



## Grumpy

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped

deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his

bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the

first place… smack him again!"


----------



## TheDane

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranchhand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly..

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat with the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"

Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"

Businessman: "Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"

Businessman: "How close?"

Flight Attendant: "Same price".


----------



## TheDane

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


----------



## TheDane

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?


----------



## TheDane

I went to my nearby pharmacy, straight to the back where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank Goodness! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that drug store, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## billy81

my wife didnt believe i had made a fully working car out of spaghetti…...

you should have seen her face when i drove pasta….


----------



## DrDirt

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. 
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding-a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said:
"Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the guy who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year-that these windows would pay for themselves in a year--

It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.


----------



## TheDane

This is a genuine Ad from 1964 when WD-40 was first released.

Their Ad department sure had a delightful way with words. (I doubt you will see anything similar nowadays.)


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GR8HUNTER

LOVING WD-40 ad ROTFLMAO :<))


----------



## TheDane

Ole and Sven were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

Ole says to Sven, "Haff yew seen da beautiful girls in dis catalog?"

Sven replies, "Ya, dey are very beautiful. And look at da price!"

Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, dey aren't verra expensive. At dis price, I'm buying vun."

Sven smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order vun and if she's as beautiful as she is in da catalog, I vill get vun too."

Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend, "Did yew ever receive da girl yew ordered from dat Sears catalog?"

Ole replies … "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"


----------



## DrDirt

Awesome Gerry!


----------



## Grumpy

Ha Ha Gerry!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GR8HUNTER

ROTFLMAO :<))


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner?"

Pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: "We'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gerry. What no Viagra????


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gerry. What no Viagra????


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.

He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so pie-eyed I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!


----------



## TheDane

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."


----------



## TheDane

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men….are men.


----------



## TheDane

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.


----------



## TheDane

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'


----------



## TheDane

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.â€

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail-one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas."


----------



## TheDane

A young father in central Texas watched his small daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped both spiders flat. 'Well", she said, "that may be OK in some places, but we're not having any of that done in Texas."


----------



## TheDane

Wife: "What did you do today?"

Me: "Nothin'"

Wife: "That's what you did yesterday!"

Me: "Yeah, I know. I didn't finish."


----------



## woodsmithshop

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye-they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail….

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!


----------



## Mike_in_STL

^^^^AWESOME^^^^


----------



## dawsonbob

Not quite that bad yet, but I'm getting there … wherever 'there' is.


----------



## DLK

Bye the way it seems that you have left the garnet hose water still running.


----------



## woodsmithshop

oops


----------



## DrDirt

Hey Woodsmith - - -they have somehting for that now… Saturday Night Live skit

Ad for Amazon "Alexa - 'Silver'"


----------



## woodsmithshop

I am going to put that Aled adelam_ whatever, on my list to buy next, as soon as I find my list. umm, lets see now, where could it be?


----------



## 280305




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## oldnovice

*DrDirt*, you got that right if it just didn't happen so often!


----------



## DrDirt

I think all i need to buy at christmas is a bunch of bows


----------



## BurlyBob

Dr. Dirt I think the same could be said for Mother's Days, Birthdays and Anniversaries!!!


----------



## DrDirt

> Dr. Dirt I think the same could be said for Mother s Days, Birthdays and Anniversaries!!!
> 
> - BurlyBob


I am predicting (planning) on a bow purchase from Dollar Tree…..Great opportunity to have some fun with this, along with some gift tags.


----------



## Grumpy

Two North Pole citizens, Paddy & Mick were working at a building site.
Paddy says to Mick
"I tink I will put on a sickie and pretend I am mad" 
Mick says
"How will ya doo dat Paddy?" 
Paddy
I'll hang upside down and pretend i'm a light bulb" 
Mick
"good one Paddy" 
So Paddy hangs upside down pretending to be a light bulb
The foreman comes along and says 
"Paddy are you mad, go home you must be sick, you are not a light bulb!" 
Mick thinks he will try for a sickie as well and starts walking off the job
Foreman
" Where do ya tink your'e goin Mick.
Mick
"someone turned da lights out, not safe ta work. I'm goin home"


----------



## TheDane

Two good ol' boys in a *********************************** trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local horse trailer manufacturing plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even!"


----------



## TheDane

You might be a *********************************** if …

... You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

... The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

... You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

... You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

... Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'


----------



## TheDane

You might be a *********************************** if …

... You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

... Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

... Your junior prom offered day care.

... You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines..'

... You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.

... The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


----------



## TheDane

You might be a *********************************** if …

... You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

... One of your kids was born on a pool table.

... You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

... You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

... You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.


----------



## oldnovice

I like those *Gerry*, reminds me of Jeff Foxworthy and his *********************************** jokes!


----------



## DrDirt

There was a good "real" example of *********************************** on the Dave Ramsey show on the radio.

Guy called in wanting help about debt… and he explains that he has a 650 dollar payment on the trailer, but no car payment…

Numbers weren't adding up, then Dave asks… OK… how much it the TRUCK payment.
Long pause…

"uhhhh - - 750"

"You might be a *********************************** if your truck payment is bigger than your mortgage"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC




----------



## woodbutcherbynight

Quotes from the radio while working in Iraq.

26. Listening to you whine about the heat and sand is making me wonder why Moses did not commit suicide.

27. Weather forecast? Are you serious? I am cooking stew in my shorts now how's that work for you?

28. People smarter than me make the important decisions? Really, I suppose they went to school and stuff then? I mean these are the same smart people who came up with the brilliant idea to wear neon green and orange safety vest in a combat zone? By the way my dog has papers too, don't mean she can balance the checkbook.

29. Be advised bunker 24 is red alpha. Tire 1 had chili last night and ate chips with Dave's insanity sauce. Methane gas at such levels is lethal. You are most welcome for this public service announcement. Tire 1 see a doctor.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DS

I don't see what's funny about that… ;-) 
Did you ever try to go fishing without worms, without gas in the truck and on an empty stomache?

Of course not! I didn't think so.


----------



## Grumpy

Ha, Ha DS
.


----------



## Bonka

The perfect pet, goes where you go, eats what you eat.


----------



## Grumpy

Politics

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." 
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." 
HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."

BILL GATES SAID, "NO." 
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK." 
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO." 
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW." 
HE SAID, "OK."

THAT'S HOW POLITICS WORKS.


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## darinS




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair. 
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


----------



## DanKrager




----------



## DS

^^^^ I didn't see that one coming…. but it was funny! ^^^^


----------



## oldnovice

Being a Viking fan in a house of Bear fans I love this!


----------



## billy81

> - Gary


Brilliant!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?" 
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . . 
And nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" 
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip stick


----------



## DS

I bought my wife a mood ring, and when she's in a good mood the ring turns blue. 
But when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red spot in the middle of my forehead.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - Grumpy


That is a good one grumpy


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has levelled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently,: in a loud voice, "Admiral, Royal Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, Fleet Air Arm, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, Royal Navy, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.


----------



## Grumpy

BRUCE AND MARGARET…
Little Bruce and Margaret are only 10 years old, but they know they're in love. 
One day, they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Margaret's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Margaret are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you're only 10. Where will you two live?" 
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Margaret's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." 
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Margaret." 
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowances. Margaret makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." 
Mr. Smith is impressed that Bruce has put so much thought into this. 
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" 
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

For some reason, Mr. Smith no longer thinks this little ******************** is adorable.


----------



## DanKrager

A long time ago I saw a cartoon of a little boy and girl getting ready to take a bath. They were naked and facing each other. The boy's speech bubble said "No you can't touch it. You already broke yours off!"

DanK


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Jim Jakosh

There was an old guy sitting on a park bench and this kid walked by and stopped near him. The kid had green, orange, yellow and red hair.

The old guy just sat there and stared at him for the longest time.

Finally the kid said what you looking at, old man??

The old guy said I had sex with a parrot about 20 yrs ago and I thought you might be my offspring!!


----------



## Grumpy

A guy talking to his barber.
Guy
"How do I shave all those creases around my mouth?" 
Barber
"Easy, just put this small ball in your mouth & the creases will disappear!" 
Guy
What happens if i swallow the ball?
Barber
"No, problem. Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!".


----------



## Grumpy

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" 
Paddy says "What's his name?" 
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A lady in a senior retirement community was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.

She asked him if he was new to the community and he said "no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".

She then said "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!".

He then said "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!".

She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done.

He said that he had murdered his first wife!

She was stunned again and after a long pause she said…

So you're SINGLE???


----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy

This one speaks for itself
.


----------



## TheDane

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished. Naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to…"


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, that last one you posted. Yeah, that's some serious visual pollution! Seriously, I'm going to have a very hard time cleaning my mind of that massive sight!!! I dumped an old girlfriend for far less grossness!


----------



## Grumpy

Bob, I can send it over your place if you like, LOL


----------



## BurlyBob

Naw, Grumpy. You keep her, that's way more than I care to handle.


----------



## Grumpy

Paddy goes home from work with the flu.
Comes back in 3 days with a big smile on his face.
Mick says to Paddy
"why are you so happy, you were very sick?".
Paddy
" well I found out my wife really loves me" 
Mick
"why's that" 
Paddy
"Well, every time the milkman or the mailman cane around she would enthusiastically rush to the door & shout my husbands home, my husbands home"


----------



## Grumpy

Wife wakes up husband
"I just had a dream that you bought me an expensive diamond necklace, is it true?",
Husband
"You will have to wait till tonight to find out!",
Wife waits in near uncontrollable anticipation,
Husband comes home with a gift wrapped box,
Wife hurriedly tears off the wrapping,
inside is a book titled
.
.
.

'The meaning of dreams'
Husband wakes up in hospital 3 days later.


----------



## Grumpy

Wife asks husband
"How much do you love me?
Husband
I love you like letters in the alphabet, ABCDEFGHIJK
Wife
"Hows that?" 
Husband
"A is for Attractive
B is for Beautiful
C is for Charming
D is for Delighyful
E is for Exquisite
G is for Gentle
H is for a real Honey" 
Wife
"What about the last 3, IJK" 
Husband
"I'm Just Kidding" 
Husband wakes up in hospital 3 days later.


----------



## DS

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips


----------



## Grumpy

Maria the house maid asks for a raise
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase." 
"The first is that I iron better than you." 
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" 
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." 
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." 
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" 
Maria: "Jor hozban did." 
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." 
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?" 
Maria: "No Señora….the gardener did."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - Grumpy


That is a classic ;-)


----------



## billy81

A brown paper bag was trying to find out how he had caught AIDS, turns out his mother was a carrier!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo).

Well, Picabo is not just an athlete.

She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.

It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.


----------



## TheDane

I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.


----------



## dawsonbob

Only seven?


----------



## DLK

> Only seven?
> 
> - dawsonbob


He lives next door.


----------



## Grumpy

I would give him a medal for getting that far with so few falls, LOL.


----------



## Grumpy

Tommy Cooper quotes
.
Two blondes walk into a building ….......you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
.
Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key…'


----------



## woodcox

#


----------



## Grumpy

More Tommy Cooper quotes
.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I
couldn't find any.
.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.


----------



## TheDane

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'


----------



## TheDane

I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work not the wife.

The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.

I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.

The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.

I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it….I'm just getting Old?

Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.

I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren't heard of
And we hadn't much choice what we wore.

Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.

Author, Unknown…


----------



## TheDane

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 
The eyesight to tell the difference.


----------



## BurlyBob

Thanks, Gerry. Those were good ones. Not really jokes, but very heartwarming and satisfying.


----------



## Grumpy

More Tommy Cooper quotes;
.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.
.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


----------



## Grumpy

More Tommy Cooper quotes;
.
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?
Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'


----------



## Bonka

An eldery lady, braless under a tight fitting teeshirt, asks her husband, "George do I look younger this way"? He replys "Yes Marge it takes all of the wrinkles out of your face."


----------



## TheDane

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches there-after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to breath test the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed completely hammered.

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French law, he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side?


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, That was awesome!!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.


----------



## Grumpy

Two old boys having a great laugh…

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 69th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing. Imagine, an SUV. What a great gift."

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra."


----------



## Grumpy

GEORGE & GOD
An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? 
Are you at peace with God?" 
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - poof!! - the light goes on. 
When I'm done - poof!! - the light goes off." 
"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine, but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!! - the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof!! - the light goes off?" 
. 
"Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"


----------



## Grumpy

Confucius did not say this
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.


----------



## GaryC

Confucius says, 经过艰苦的努力的梦想可以成真


----------



## DLK

^The dream of hard work can come true


----------



## Grumpy

Yes, "After an arduous effort dreams can come true"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Pouring Liquor - 1921
.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Pouring Liquor - 1921
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


You'd get the EPA all over your posterior if you did that today. Think of all the dead fish! True story- about 40 years ago, the Coors plant in Colorado accidentally spilled a few thousand gallons of beer into a local stream. All kinds of dead fish and other critters in that stream.


----------



## summerfi

But at least they died happy.


----------



## DLK

Well no …. it was Coors.


----------



## wormil

Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
When someone asks tell them it's 12345678


----------



## Grumpy

Imagine if they brought in prohibition on firearms in the USA like they did back then with the liquor.
Here's a picture of 4,500 handed in after a massacre in Tasmania.


----------



## Mike_in_STL

^^^ That makes me sick.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Imagine if they brought in prohibition on firearms in the USA like they did back then with the liquor.
> Here s a picture of 4,500 handed in after a massacre in Tasmania.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


If they do that in the US, the drug cartels will import more than they will ever be able to collect. Look how well the war on drugs has gone for proof.


----------



## BurlyBob

I totally agree with Mike.


----------



## dawsonbob

I also agree with Mike. One of the worst nightmares imaginable. Makes me shudder just to think about it.


----------



## Bonka

The citizens of The USA sent guns to Enland at the outset of WWII. The government had taken or limited fire arms to the Brits.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

I have been told they tried to call firearms in here in WA during WWII but only a couple rifles were turned in. I couldn't find anything online to verify that.


----------



## Grumpy

We have had several amnesties against prosecution to hand in illegal firearms down under. 
Thousands have been handed in.
Hasn't stopped the illegal trade but has considerably reduced the the number of massacres with automatic weapons.


----------



## Grumpy

Anyway. Back to jokes.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

Tommy Cooper quote;
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off


----------



## TheDane

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son … 'Go get your Mother'


----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry if that could only be true!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Mike_in_STL

^^^ HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ^^^


----------



## BurlyBob

Anybody know how get a bunch of old ladies say the F word? Have one of them yell, BINGO.


----------



## TheDane

Thoughts On Getting Older ….

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just one tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up..

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

And remember….. Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## jacksdvds

> Good one Gerry. What no Viagra????
> 
> - Grumpy


Know what impotence is?


> ?


----------



## patron

Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings… (Andy Rooney)


----------



## bigblockyeti

The four folks in the pot look like stank (or skank) stew.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

At the end of the tax year, the tax office sent an inspector to
Audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of
The hospital and said

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of
The roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them
Back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a
Free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
Question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

""What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
Left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was
Trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and
Send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a
Free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
Fluster the know-it-all executive.

"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

" Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax
Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.


----------



## Grumpy

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but 
understandable story as told by a loving wife….....
.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months 
ago, my husband, Phil, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum 
was completely crushed. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors 
didn't know if they could help him." 
. 
You could hear a muffled 
gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that 
poor Phil must have experienced.
. 
"Phil was unable to hold me or 
the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and 
it turned out they were able to piece together
the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." 
. 
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
. 
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely." 
. 
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
. 
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."


----------



## dawsonbob

Good one, Grumpy. I was wincing in sympathetic pain up til the end.


----------



## billy81

> More Tommy Cooper quotes
> .
> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I
> couldn t find any.
> .
> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
> .
> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.. He shouted,
> Doctor, doctor, I can t feel my legs!
> The doctor replied, I know you can t, I ve cut your arms off .
> 
> - Grumpy


Cant beat some classic cooper quotes and jokes, great performer!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC




----------



## Bonka

Years ago, my wife and I were awakened at 3 o'clock early one Saturday morning by a loud pounding on the door. I got up and went to the door where I saw a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain. "Give us a push" says the swaying stranger. "Not a chance," I reply, "It is three o'clock in the morning." I slammed the door and returned to bed. "Who was that?" my wife asked. "Just some ol' drunk asking for a push," I answered. "Did you help him?" She asked. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring down rain outside. Next my wife reminded me, "Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. I did as I was told. I got dressed and went out into the pouring rain. I call out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" now soaked from the rain. "Yes. Please." came the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" I asked. "Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Jerry, didn't expect the punch line, LOL.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC




----------



## Gene01




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and asked, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump…"

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money… I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money..


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gary!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bonka

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick:"What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy:"We'll lie and say we only found two." 
_

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"he

tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

Mick says,"I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet." 
_ 

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND."

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
_

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" 
_ 

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out

and announced,'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!'shouted Reilly.'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
_

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says:"Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy…" he replies.
_ 

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?"he asks.

"Hanging meself,"Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck,"says the Guard.

"I know,"says Paddy,"but I couldn't breathe." 
_

An answer I can understand…..

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

_


----------



## oldnovice

*Jerry*, those are way too good!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## jacksdvds

Christmas falls on Monday this year. What day of the week is New Years day?


----------



## Bonka

Tuesday.


----------



## jacksdvds

> Tuesday.
> 
> - Gerald Thompson


That's wrong


----------



## jerryminer

> Christmas falls on Monday this year. What day of the week is New Years day?
> 
> - Jack Lewis


What year?

2017: Sunday
2018: Monday


----------



## 000

The 1st day of the week


----------



## DanKrager

I consider Sunday the first day of the week. 
DanK


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Did you get one of these for Christmas?.
.


----------



## 280305

> Did you get one of these for Christmas?.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


I could really use one of these. My public library fines me $2 every time I return a DVD without rewinding it!


----------



## Grumpy

No Chuck, but looks like somebody did, ha ha


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


The difference between butt kissing and brown nosing is a matter of depth perception.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy

Time for this one again.
.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## JADobson

> Time for this one again.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


-42 C (-44F) here a couple of days ago. I wish that were a joke.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Time for this one again.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy
> 
> -42 C (-44F) here a couple of days ago. I wish that were a joke.
> 
> - JADobson


I would definitely keep the home fire burning and bundle up!


----------



## GR8HUNTER

> Time for this one again.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy
> 
> -42 C (-44F) here a couple of days ago. I wish that were a joke.
> 
> - JADobson
> 
> I would definitely keep the home fire burning and bundle up!
> 
> - TopamaxSurvivor


2nd week of deer camp :<))


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

One year I awoke in camp and it felt a bit cold, but on the sunny side of the sloes it was quite comfortable. On the way to get dinner that evening the radio said it was forecast to be "-30 AGAIN tonight." ;-( Since the game was frozen stiff and not moving, we decided motels and hot tubs made more sense than hunting camp ;-)


----------



## DLK

> -42 C (-44F) here a couple of days ago. I wish that were a joke.
> 
> - JADobson


I belive it. I have been to Saskatoon. I was living in Regina at the time.


----------



## DS

It's hard to feel sorry for any of you guys in the minus temps.

I woke up today to a chilly +46 degrees with an anticipated high temp of +75 degrees this afternoon.
This is our "gloat" weather in Phoenix - The reward for suffering through the 110+ degree summers.

I'm sure none of you will feel pity for me this summer, either.
No hard feelings. You do the same in winter time as we do in the summer. Hunker down and stay indoors.
Better weather is right around the corner.

Best regards, though.


----------



## DS

Bob was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. 
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


----------



## DS

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. 
"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some a__hole has my pen!"


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy

DS, we are looking for the rectal thermometer down under.
.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## jacksdvds

> DS, we are looking for the rectal thermometer down under.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Must be DHS agents at the border
> 
> - Grumpy


----------



## jacksdvds

Somebody has tooooooo much time!


----------



## Grumpy

Retired Jack retired. My time is my own, not governed by someone else.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## John Smith_inFL

my brother was stopped by a patrolman for the suspicion of driving under the influence.

what's your name, the officer asked.
MeHoph, my brother replied.
what is your first name, Mr. MeHoph ??
Jack - my brother replied.

please step out the car Mr. MeHoph, the officer said - - - - and turn around - - - - -


----------



## jacksdvds

Good thing his name wasn't Upyours


----------



## Grumpy

New Years day???.
.


----------



## Grumpy

A fork in the road !!!!
.


----------



## jacksdvds

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.

WAIT for it!

A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."


----------



## DanKrager

Was it on here that this story appeared? 
A Pennsylvania State Trooper stopped a young brunette for speeding. As he approached the open window he asked "Do you know why I stopped you?" 
Without hesitating, the young lady answered questioningly "Because you wanted to sell me tickets to the Pennsylvania State Troopers' ball?" 
The officer, busily scribbling on his ticket book, responded rather mechanically "Pennsylvania State Troopers do not have balls."

After a long moment the trooper paused his writing, folded up his ticket book and said, "Have a nice day, Ma'am!" and turned his back to hastily walk back to his car.

DanK


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC

*Happy New Year*


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> New Years day???.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


Just say NO to crack.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

This must be an interesting blog, we have over 120,000 hits.
.


----------



## Grumpy

One from Karson!.
.


----------



## TheDane

A while ago a new supermarket opened in my town.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> One from Karson!.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


When I worked at Cape Canaveral in '01, someone left the windows of the men's head in the hangar open over the weekend. A huge rainstorm came through and blew many small frogs into the head. They we all over the place when we came in Monday morning, having gotten out through the gap at the bottom of the door. People were freaking out something fierce!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

A general contractor was reroofing a school library. The 3 day weekend forecast was for sunny skies. It rained on all the books! No joke, true story. I worked on a another job they did. They covered so much of my roughin and buried the ends of conduits I finally went to the superintendent and told him I doubted those idiots were able to find their way to work and to stop going out looking for those that couldn't.


----------



## Grumpy

*Our gauge recorded 119.3F in the shade yesterday.*
.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DS

Welcome to Phoenix in the summertime. 
Averaging 100+ days of 100+ degrees every year.
Record High temp 122F



> *Our gauge recorded 119.3F in the shade yesterday.*
> 
> - Grumpy


----------



## KentInOttawa

> Welcome to Phoenix in the summertime.
> Averaging 100+ days of 100+ degrees every year.
> Record High temp 122F
> 
> *Our gauge recorded 119.3F in the shade yesterday.*
> 
> - Grumpy
> 
> - DS


But that's a dry heat :-D


----------



## DS

You've been here!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DS

*Be My Valentine*

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC

I happened upon a homeless man downtown this morning and asked him how he ended up on the street this way.

He said, "Up until last month, I still had it all. ?I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no
debt. I even had full medical coverage.." \

I really felt sorry for him and asked, "What happened? Drugs, alcohol, Divorce?

Oh no, nothing like that, I was paroled."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
"That little pipsqueak O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


----------



## Grumpy

DrDirt, was it this Mrs O'Conner??, LOL.
.


----------



## GaryC




----------



## wncguy

Older guys have different priorities…

A 71 year old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:

"Paint my house."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Magnum




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.

At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst…"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.

I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest…..


----------



## WoodES

*Super Bowl Tickets*
I know it's late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis at the new U. S. Bank Stadium on Sunday, February 4th. They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winner's locker room after the game. What he didn't realize when he bought them last year was that it's on the same day as his wedding.

If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt, and will clean your truck. She'll be the one in the white dress.


----------



## dawsonbob

WoodES, that one really did cause me to laugh out loud. Thumbs up.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## WoodES

Grumpy, 
N. Korean test program?


----------



## Grumpy

WoodES, we wish, ha ha


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## woodsmithshop

ubject: : A pirate walked into a bar…..
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said….

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them ******************** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird ********************?"

"It was my first day with the hook."


----------



## Grumpy

Just heard this on the local news radio;
'12 camels have been disqualified from a Saudi Arabian beauty contest because;
.
wait for it;
.








.
The owners had injected them with botox.
.


----------



## Grumpy

I bet she wiped that smile off his face for a month or two, LOL.
.


----------



## DLK

A month of fishing would be worth it!


----------



## Grumpy

Combo, don't say that too loud, she might be listening!.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A 80 year old bloke called Doug loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah … at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.


----------



## TheDane

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'


----------



## TheDane

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO…...,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


----------



## DLK

Guy at the bar asks the bartender: "Do you want hear a dumb blonde joke?"

Bartender responds "The girl sitting on your right is a Lawyer and is blonde, the girl on you left is a cop and is blonde and a blonde bodybuilder just stood up behind you. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"

The Guy says: "Well not if I going to have to explain it three times!"


----------



## Grumpy

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma,
Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each 
Other, and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the
Room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll 
It be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a
Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced
Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10
Cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at
Each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the
40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the
Bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay
The 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a
Dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve
Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says,
"and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this
Place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's
All the same" 
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help
Noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't
Have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered
Anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the 
Men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" 
The bartender says,
"They're retirees from Australia.
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."


----------



## Grumpy

As it so happens I will be enjoying Happy Hour on an American ship in the South Pacific Jocks, so keep those postings coming in


----------



## Bonka

The three stages of life:
Birth

What In the Hell is This?

Death


----------



## Dark_Lightning

This life is a test.

It is only a test.

If this had been a real life, you would have been given instructions on where to go and what to do.


----------



## TheDane

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his upset wife. Tearfully she said, "The druggist insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call time and time again before he would even answer it."

Straight away, the husband drove to town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm didn't go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and I had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three streets from the shop, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the shop a crowd of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started serving these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing."

"Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to get change, and they went all over the floor. I had to get on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase displaying perfume bottles. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"Believe me pal, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."


----------



## TheDane

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


----------



## wncguy

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail Lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair
well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive After shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.

He orders a drink and Takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the Lady and says: "So, tell me….. do I come here often?"


----------



## Grumpy

Murphy applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
An Englishman applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, 
they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, 
but we've decided to give the Englishman the job.
Murphy replied "And why, would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. T
his being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?" said Murphy.
"That's simple," said the manager, "On question number 7 the Englishman wrote down, 
'I don't know.' And you wrote down, 'Neither do I.' "


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## wncguy

Seniors in Florida - 
Two elderly ladies are sitting on a front porch in Punta Gorda. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?


----------



## Grumpy

That one is a bit over the top Wncguy. Kids are watching.


----------



## Grumpy

I probably should be charged for this!

Nerd humor: 
(1) A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here," so it leaves with no resistance.

(2) Some neon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here." The neon doesn't react.

(3) A neutrino goes into a bar. The barman says, "What can I get you?" the neutrino answers, "Nothing. Just passing through…"

(4) So the bartender says to the proton, "Sure you don't want another round?" The proton replies, "I'm positive."

(5) A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer. When served, the neutron asks how much it is, to which the bartender replies: "For you - no charge!"

(6) A photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks "do you have any luggage?" The photon replies " no. I'm traveling light"

(7) A quark goes into a bar… but it's because he owned it!!


----------



## Mike_in_STL

^^^FUNNY^^^ Love it!


----------



## wncguy

Sorry - did not mean to push the envelop


----------



## Grumpy

No problems Buddy, keep the posts coming.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Jim Jakosh

This hunter way up in Canada bagged a huge moose. He gutted it and then the weather turned real bad and he knew he could not cut it up to pack out and needed a place to get out of the storm so he crawled up inside the moose to spend the night. During the night the weather dropped to way below zero and the moose was frozen solid and he count not get out even with his knife.
He thought he as a goner and started to think about the good things he had done and the bad decisions he had made in life. He was thinking about the new Ford truck he just bought and was feeling so small that he crawled out through the asshole!


----------



## DLK

Was there a punchline to the above story? I don't get the joke?


----------



## Bonka

The bad decicion of buying a Ford truck made him feel so small he was able to crawl out through a small space.


----------



## DLK

I thought maybe. I just don't understand why buying a Ford F-series truck is a bad decision. It is after all the number one selling truck in america, with 77895 sold in 2017. The next in sales is Chevrolet Silverado with only 50515 sold is not even close.


----------



## Bonka

It is just a joke.


----------



## DLK

I know it's supposed to be a joke.


----------



## 280305

I bet someone could think up an alternative punchline involving Rocky, Boris and Natasha.


----------



## Grumpy

Look out boys, skippy is getting punchy!!!.
.


----------



## Grumpy

Love
A teacher asks a student:
"What kind of woman would you like to be with when you're all grown up?" 
"A woman like the moon!" Answers the kid
"That's beautiful," breathes the teacher, "what a choice! Because you'd like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?" 
"No, I'd like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!" 
.
Death
After Bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral. Then the minister started to speak: "He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrific father…" 
The widow then makes a motion for her son to come to her.
"What is it mother?" he whispers.
"Dear, go check the casket, I think we're at the wrong funeral…" 
.
Hope

Wife: "What are you doing?" 
Husband: "Nothing." 
Wife: "What do you mean nothing? You've been staring at our marriage certificate for over an hour!" 
Husband: "Yea, I'm checking the expiration date." 
.
Neighbours

"The new neighbors are so in love," remarks Susan to her husband, "he hugs her, kisses her and strokes her hair. 
Why don't you do that?" 
"Because I don't know her that well."


----------



## Ripper70

Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral procession passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the procession passes.

"That was a really nice thing to do," the second golfer says. "It's good to see there is still some respect in the world."

"Well, it's only right," the first golfer replies. "I was married to her for 35 years."


----------



## Grumpy

Donations

Knock on the door.
"Hello sir, would you like to contribute something to the old folks home?" 
"Yes, actually." Beams the old man. 
"Carol, put your jacket on and pack a suitcase!"

Shopping

An elderly couple is walking in the city, hand in hand, when they pass a jewellery store.
The wife turns to her husband with a smile:
"Love, would you buy me a chain?" 
"Why?" Asks the husband, "Tired of being free?"

Qualities

A woman asks her husband:
"What do you like about me the most? 
My beautiful face or my sexy body?" 
The husband gives her a long, appreciating look.
"Your sense of humour."


----------



## DLK

Thease made me laugh! Did you write these jokes yourself?


----------



## Grumpy

No Combo Prof, I wish.


----------



## Grumpy

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip
of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her
trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and
now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard
tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "what the hell happened to your hair?"


----------



## DLK

ha. nice one


----------



## GaryC




----------



## GaryC




----------



## GaryC




----------



## jacksdvds

> The bad decicion of buying a Ford truck made him feel so small he was able to crawl out through a small space.
> 
> - Gerald Thompson


As the old saying goes, "I would rather push an old dead Ford with flat tires uphill than drive a Chevy".


----------



## woodsmithshop

My last ride…....

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."


----------



## GR8HUNTER

got this in my email from peter / crowie

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out into John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"


----------



## Bonka

I hate to brag


----------



## BurlyBob

Smitty, that one was awesome! Had me laughing so hard I almost blew my beer out my nose.


----------



## DanKrager

Did you know that the Norwegians have painted huge bar codes on both sides of all their navy ships?

That's so when the warships return to port, they can Scandinavian.

DanK


----------



## Mike_in_STL

^^^^HAHAHAHAHAHA^^^^^


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Did you know that the Norwegians have painted huge bar codes on both sides of all their navy ships?
> 
> That s so when the warships return to port, they can Scandinavian.
> 
> DanK
> 
> - Dan Krager


:^) Now that there is funny!


----------



## TheDane

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down…and I know he won't ask for directions."


----------



## WoodES

The Retired Doctor

*An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: 'Aaagh!-This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't-that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak-- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story-Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

P.S. Written in large and bold print for old Geezers.*


----------



## TheDane

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already… I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist."


----------



## BurlyBob

Somehow Gerry I knew it wasn't going to be the husband! It was a good one nonetheless! You and woodES need to keep them coming!!!


----------



## Grumpy

AN OLD DOBERMAN

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep ******************** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just 
when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…….

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"

Moral of this story…

Don't mess with the old dogs…

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.


----------



## dawsonbob

A great one, Grumpy! Love it!


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks Bob, glad you liked it.


----------



## Grumpy

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be.
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be!" 
"And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a womanizer all his life!" 
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centrefold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Parliament!"


----------



## WoodES

*SQUIRRELS IN CHURCH*

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.


----------



## BurlyBob

Woody that was one of the best! You had me laughing so hard I blew beer out my nose. I've got to clean my monitor screen now!


----------



## Grumpy

From an undisclosed source, LOL.
.
*My Dog Named Sex *

My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.

It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life. Like the day that I went to the town hall to get her a dog license. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then, I said, "You don't understand. She's a dog." He replied, "Look man, I don't care how she looks." "No no, I've had Sex since I was 5!" He replied, "You must have been an early bloomer."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life. After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied, "Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, "Me too."

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and she ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.
I told him, "I'm looking for Sex!" My case comes up next Tuesday.

Now that I've been married, divorced, thrown in jail, and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

I said, "Sex has left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely." He said, "Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why don't you go get yourself a dog…"


----------



## Magnum

> Woody that was one of the best! You had me laughing so hard I blew beer out my nose. I ve got to clean my monitor screen now!
> 
> - BurlyBob


<<<< HA! HA! HA! >>>


----------



## Grumpy

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,

'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said

'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said

'And if I had all the whiskey in the world I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down…

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile nearly laughing

'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'


----------



## JeffeVerde

> From an undisclosed source, LOL.
> .
> *My Dog Named Sex *


I miss good ol' Sex


----------



## dawsonbob

> From an undisclosed source, LOL.
> .
> *My Dog Named Sex *
> 
> I miss good ol Sex
> 
> - JeffeVerde


You're not the only one.


----------



## jacksdvds

> From an undisclosed source, LOL.
> .
> *My Dog Named Sex *
> 
> I miss good ol Sex
> 
> - JeffeVerde
> 
> You re not the only one.
> 
> - dawsonbob


Question? Male or female, just want to know how weird.


----------



## dawsonbob

Well, I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm a male missing good ol' sex - although, at my age, I can't quite remember why.


----------



## Bonka

The worst sex I ever had was terrific.


----------



## 000

Are we still talking about the dog named sex?


----------



## Grumpy

No more sex for this guy
.


----------



## dawsonbob

You mean the dog's missing again?


----------



## Hermit

Returning home from work yesterday I walked in the living room to see the wife watching tv, specifically….the food network channel. After a few minutes she switched to some porn channel. After another few minutes she went back to the food network. This back and forth went on for 4 or 5 minutes when I finally spoke up and said….

"Why don't you just watch the porn channel?"

She replied with "Why the porn channel?"

I replied with…."Because you already know how to eat!"


----------



## DLK

..... so after some time with his psychiatrist he remarried and one day the happy couple had a little girl. Soon when she was old enough he acquired a new dog that he also named "sex". He could not show his daughter old Sex, but it was his pleasure to introduce her to new Sex. The little girl wanted pets of her own and she got a couple of hamsters that she named "Drugs" and "Rock and Roll". However show and tell was problem, when the teacher would not let her talk about Sex, bring in Drugs or play with Rock and Roll.


----------



## jacksdvds

"He could not show his daughter old Sex, but it was his pleasure to introduce her to new Sex." 
And this thread gets weirder and weider!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DLK

Nice! I want one.


----------



## Mike_in_STL

The car, the wing, the soup, the coffee, or the blonde?


----------



## DLK

The soup of course!


----------



## Mike_in_STL

HAHAHAHAHAHA


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Yeah, just wait until the guy comes back and finds her butt-dents in that trunk lid. It'll be just like what the guy said when his girl friend slammed the garage door on the nerf bar of his hot rod.


----------



## DanKrager

A young photographer was determined to make a name for himself and embarked on doing something that no photographer had been able to do to date. He was determined to photograph a ghost. So he set about looking for a place that was highly reputed as haunted. As luck would have it, in his own town he discovered an ancient residence of high class and further learned that a former resident had committed suicide and haunted the place regularly. He began to frequent the place at all hours of the day hoping to catch a glimpse of the alleged ghost. On each visit he carefully set up his equipment, but he was getting discouraged because no ghost ever showed up…until one Saturday night very late. The photographer had been all set up for hours and was getting drowsy when he heard footsteps coming down from upstairs. It was the ghost. It turned out to be reasonably friendly and returned the photographers greeting. The ghost asked what the photographer was doing in his house. "Well, I want to get your picture. Would you mind sitting in this chair where I can get a nice portrait of you?" The ghost smiled and moved to sit in the chair and settled in comfortably. Excited, the photographer checked all his equipment and pressed the button. Pfft, the flash sputtered faintly, too weak to get a picture. Without a word, the ghost got up and went back upstairs and could not be persuaded to come back. The very disappointed photographer packed up to return home. When he came in, he found his wife waiting up and she inquired of his success. "Well," the photographer replied, "The spirit was willing but the flash was weak."

DanK


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Tommy Cooper quote
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

You can thank Dan for this one!.
.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. 
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." 
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." 
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" 
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." 
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." 
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" 
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........

"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a [email protected]#$%^& Chihuahua ?!"


----------



## wncguy

To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists, here's what I'm doing to gain better understanding: I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles.

Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, then give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works!

I already have four people following me: Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist


----------



## 280305

wncguy:


----------



## jacksdvds

Without facebook you never see the grandkids except for their borrowing money.


----------



## CaptainKlutz

> To others of my generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists,
> ....
> I already have four people following me: Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist
> - wncguy





> Without facebook you never see the grandkids except for their borrowing money.
> - Jack Lewis


Funny - 
My daughter only posts on her Facebook when she needs money? 
Usually with a post showing; restaurant meal she can not afford, pictures of her friends weekend get away she could not attend to due increases in college tuition, or bald tires on (my) car that need to be replaced. 

Sharing trivial about your life is *NOT* something you do with *REAL* friends. If I want to swap funnies with my friends, we met for a drink or a meal together. Much better than laughing/crying at your monitor screen.

Plus: My kids and younger cousins all tell me that Facebook is for old people. 
Something about only old people want to keep a record of their wacky exploits for world to read?

Best I can tell current generation only shares things via WWW that need 256 bit encryption and should self destruct after being read for fear of being; arrested, cut off by parents/family, or embarrassed when CNN/FOX news decides to share as local news…...


----------



## Grumpy

What's Facebook, LOL
.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## JohnJenkins

A salesman is in town and hasn't anything to do in the evening. So he heads to the hotel bar.

He's at the bar nursing a drink when he notices two women down the bar, one of which is very beautiful.

After a while, he catches the beautiful girl's eye and surprising to him, she gives him a wink!

Well, he screws up his courage and walks down to the pair.

He decides to swing for the fences, and asks, "Excuse my forwardness, but you are so beautiful, I can't control myself. I wonder if you'd like to come up to my room?"

"Oh, I would," she cooed, "but this is my sister. We're Siamese twins!"

"Oh, gee, I guess….." stammered the salesman.

"It's alright, my sister doesn't mind. In fact, she'll serenade us with her violin!"

"Well that's great." he replied and up to his room they went.

Then ensued a long wild night of passion encouraged on by virtuoso violin music!

Morning came and the salesman went on his way.

Some months later, the Siamese twins are window shopping when the beautiful one spies the salesman down the street.

"Let's go see if he's free tonight!" she says.

To which her sister replies "No, he probably wouldn't remember us."


----------



## GR8HUNTER

https://lancaster.craigslist.org/tls/d/vintage-hirsh-drill-powered/6538707971.html LOL :<))


----------



## Bonka

I wish I lived closer.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy

I am only the messenger, so don't hold this one against me!.
.


----------



## DanKrager

I hope this is not a repeat.

On a beautiful spring day with the top down and a bright red convertible, a beautiful brunette with long hair streaming in the wind whizzed past a Pennsylvania State Trooper at a high rate of fuel consumption. He gave chase, walked up to the car, and mechanically asked for license, registration, and proof of insurance. With a lovely smile she silently handed them to the trooper who was already busy writing. As he took the items he mechanically asked if she knew why he pulled her over. "Of course I know. You want to sell me tickets to the Pennsylvania State Troopers' ball." Without looking up from intently writing, he absently retorted, "Pennsylvania State Troopers do not have balls." He continued writing for what seemed like a long time. Suddenly he folded up his ticket book and mumbled "Have a nice day" as he spun on his heels and hurried back to his car.

DanK


----------



## TheDane

One lazy Sunday morning, the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to unexpectedly, "When I die I want to sell all of my stuff immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other @$$hole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I would marry another @$$hole?"


----------



## DLK

> I hope this is not a repeat.
> 
> - Dan Krager


Subtle.


----------



## TheDane

A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. "Ole, I am goin" huntin" tomorrow and don"t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You"re good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME - I haven"t seen a man in over two years!!"

"Thunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!"


----------



## Grumpy

***land 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Search
and rescue workers have recovered 2826bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.


----------



## Grumpy

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage." 
.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" 
.

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no…. I was paroled."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Bonka

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots ta pay you benefishery $400,000! Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink da governmen' gonna send ta Afghanistan first?"

-


----------



## Bonka




----------



## torus




----------



## Grumpy

Very cheeky Torus


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## torus

> Very cheeky Torus
> 
> - Grumpy


yep, literally


----------



## wormil




----------



## Grumpy

Woodnack, you could use 'Google Earth' to plot your visits then your map wouldn't fall down, LOL.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

That would be a big improvement, Grumpy ;-)


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


So true! People are dying from the lack of attention to these people's surroundings.


----------



## Bonka

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear-you know that this car doesn't have cruise control" As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" ......."Only when he's been drinking."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DLK

Nice.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


Too funny! I'm going to make a "replica" for my woodcarving club.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy

An old man is sitting outside a pub with fishing rod in hand and the line is dangling in a puddle of water.
A man in the pub notices this and it goes on for half an hour.
Finally the man in the pub, feeling sorry for the old guy takes him a pint of beer & sits beside him.
The younger man asks
"have you caught anything yet" 
The old man thinks for a moment then says
"you are the 8th one today"


----------



## BurlyBob

Now that there's funny. I don't care where your from!


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy

Ford crossing.
.


----------



## Grumpy

You can credit Andysden with this one!
.








.
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/sZa26_esLBE


----------



## Bonka

ompletely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her 
condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do injust…..three….words".
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand …

Then he looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: 
"Paint…....my….....house"


----------



## Grumpy

A farmer is concerned about his bull. 
It's not doing it's job. 
No interest in the cows at all.
So he goes to the vet and the vet gives him some tablets for the bull.
Soon after the farmers neighbour asks him if the pills worked.
Worked, says the farmer. 
"All the cows have been servived & he even broke through the fence & serviced some of yours".
The neighbour says
"How do these pills work" 
"I don't know" says the farmer "but they taste like peppermint".


----------



## patron

true friendship
__
my foreign friend announced to me
we are good friends 
i got your back

if you need help and i got $2 i'll give you one

if you need a ride i have two horses
i'll give you one

if you need company
and i have two girlfriends

i'll give you the other horse


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Manure.. An interesting fact.

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit)

So it's really not a swear word which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I

I had always thought it was a golfing term.


----------



## TheDane

Dear friends, one spelling mistake, made in a hurry, can make your life hell.

I wrote a romantic message to my wife while I was away on a business trip, and I missed an "e".

Now this innocent mistake has caused me to seek police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my life, and I wish you were her".


----------



## DLK

> Manure.. An interesting fact.


You of course meant to write: An interesting factoid

(It is indeed a funny (although made up) story.)

fac·toid
ˈfakˌtoid
noun

an assumption or speculation that is reported and repeated so often that it becomes accepted as fact.


----------



## Grumpy

Grandpa 
The Tax Department decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Tax Office.

The Tax auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Office finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


----------



## TheDane

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."

"Gentlemen, remember-you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.


----------



## TheDane

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.


----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, those were both great! Keep them coming!


----------



## TheDane

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, lean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear".

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder".

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir"?


----------



## DS

True story;
My wife was a little dismayed when our grown daughter decided she wanted to celebrate her birthday with the entire family at OUR house, instead of holding it at her house.

"That's just great!", my wife says, "Now I have to clean the entire house."

"Great!", I said, "You can start in the garage!"


----------



## Grumpy

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
----------------------------------------------
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…
---------------------------------------------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.


----------



## DrDirt

Gotta love some Family Feud….58 seconds


----------



## Grumpy

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today ?"
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet ?"
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to ******************** yourself when I tell you the price !"


----------



## Mike_in_STL

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Great one!


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MrRon

When two men meet, they shake hands. When two dogs meet, they smell each others butts.


----------



## BurlyBob

MrRon. I'm very glad it's not the other way around. But that's just my way of thinking!


----------



## Grumpy

Hmmmmm!
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Yeah, I'm smuggling a Vienna sausage and two Garbanzo beans! 8^D


----------



## JADobson

This spammer has no idea how perfect his post fits here^^^^. Mods please leave it alone!!! You can get rid of the link if you have to. Haha.



> hey guys goodnight ,
> 
> I recently got my hands on a few wood working plans from my buddy a while back , he then pointed me to source
> after sharing them with me .
> He then directed me to these amazing plans that were very easy to understand and absolutely detailed.
> I got to say I was so excited when I got a hold of them, they were so many to choose from . I Would say it was the largest collection of wood working plans that i have ever seen u guys should definitely check it out.
> link :
> 
> - KINGMAKER


----------



## TheDane

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't think there really was a Hell.'


----------



## TheDane

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, 
followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man whose wife had passed looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'


----------



## TheDane

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer, I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"OK, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer. I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood, I could die."...

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."


----------



## Grumpy

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
-------------------------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
----------------------------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)


----------



## 000

lol


----------



## woodbutcherbynight

> The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door? The boss told her he knew he d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
> 
> As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
> 
> He then understood his assistant s question about his garage door.
> 
> He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?
> 
> She smiled and said, No, I didn t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
> 
> - TheDane


ROFL


----------



## Grumpy

Fred the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot 
and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. 
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. 
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by 
just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, 
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, 
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. 
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show 
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. 
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," 
but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. 
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win 
two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best 
at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them 
when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
If you don't send this on, you're chicken!


----------



## Grumpy

.
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
-----------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
--------------------------


----------



## KentInOttawa

> Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
> What a guy!
> -----------------------------
> Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
> Now that s taking things a bit far!
> ---------------------
> Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
> See if that works better than a fair trial!
> --------------------------
> - Grumpy


1980s click-bait


----------



## patron

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"


----------



## DanKrager

We know that the tooth brush was invented in Kentucky. We know this because if had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

And if a hillbilly man and wife move to California and get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

DanK


----------



## Grumpy

Nothing like the English language!.
.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
--------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
--------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
--------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!


----------



## wncguy

The Engineer

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?


----------



## BurlyBob

When I was a cop one of my favorite Attorney jokes was to ask someone. Know how to save a drowning Attorney? "No." "Good."


----------



## wncguy

Burly Bob - 
One of the best I heard was "how do you get a lawyer out of a tree…. cut the rope". 
This was passed along by one of the attorneys at the company I was with back about 2000.
You can pass along to your buddies in blue.


----------



## Grumpy

The story about the STORK or the CABBAGE PATCH.
.
Mummy, was I downloaded?
.








.
The little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 
.
Scroll down…You'll love this ….
.









.
'You Got Male!
.


----------



## Grumpy

Burly Bob, i've got a couple for you!
What's the definition of waste?
A bus load of lawyers going over a cliff with one empty seat!.
.
What's the difference between a lawyer & a fish?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller &,
the other is a fish
.
(no offence meant to my lawyer friends, just a joke, right)


----------



## Bonka




----------



## BurlyBob

Here's another one. What do an Attorney and a sperm cell have in common? A one in a million shot at becoming human life.


----------



## BurlyBob

But honestly there only really just 2 Attorney jokes. All the rest are true.


----------



## TheDane

An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into.

He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher.

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm… An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard. He got in the back-seat by mistake."


----------



## TheDane

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.'

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair..

Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex…'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'


----------



## TheDane

Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ….

I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

His friend stared at him for at least three minutes-he just stared and stared at him.

Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'


----------



## TheDane

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the Interstate. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'


----------



## TheDane

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red.

Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'


----------



## TheDane

A 5-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."


----------



## patron

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant".

Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants".

Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor".

Employer: "More than we can use already".

Applicant, as he is getting desperate:

"I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor".

Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications".

Applicant, as he stands up and angrily yells: "Work for you? I'd have to be a lowlife, beIIy crawling, double dealing jerk"!

Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening".


----------



## Grumpy

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." 
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, she replies, "that was my
husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

How do you turn a duck into a '*Soul Singer'*???
.
Put it in the oven until the '*Bill Withers*'

.


----------



## Bonka

My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs …...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery


----------



## GR8HUNTER

no *BS* :<))


----------



## TheDane

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."


----------



## TheDane

A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here".

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here".

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde".

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First class isn't going to Sydney"


----------



## patron




----------



## BurlyBob

Why do all attorneys wear neck ties? So their foreskin doesn't slip up over their heads!


----------



## TheDane

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left." 
Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

Farmer: You here about the dog?

Mam: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

Farmer: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.

Farmer: Go on, ask him anything.

The man says;

Man: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.

To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.

Dog: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.

The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:

Man: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?

Farmer: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## bandit571

A famous writer once said:

"Suppose you are an idiot, ...suppose you are a member of Congress…..but, I repeat myself"

Mark Twain


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A slice of apple pie will cost you $2.45 in Jamaica.

A slice of apple pie costs $3.75 in Trinidad and the same slice costs $4.45 in Barbados.

And those are the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean.

((groan))


----------



## Bonka

Oh Lord, Oh God, Oh No!


----------



## Mike_in_STL

Yarrrgh Matey, those be good prices. But pie always go to me thighs.


----------



## JADobson

What's a pirate's favourite letter in the alphabet?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You'd think it would be ARGH…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...but it's the SEA they love.


----------



## Grumpy

I went to sea to see the sea but all I could see was see see see.


----------



## DanKrager

Where is the best place for a person with one leg to work?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(wait for it….)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
IHOP.

DanK


----------



## TheDane

The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man…air passengers, in this case!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.


----------



## oldnovice

Gary and Mary lived in a small town in Pennsylvania. Gary was a out of work coal miner while Mary worked at the drugstore and was pregnant. One day Gary got a call to work in a mine in Ohio but he was reluctant to go because of Mary's condition as it was getting close to the time for the baby to arrive.

Gary and Mary discussed the options and agreed that they needed the money because they just found that the baby was going to be babies. Reluctantly Gary took off for Ohio.

Gary and Mary kept in touch while he was away and during one phone call Mary told Gary that he better get home soon as the time was getting real close. She also told him that the local hospital requires a male family member to name the newborn infants before they can leave the hospital. Gary said not to worry he would be home on time.

Unfortunately Gary was either to optimistic or Mary was close to her term than she realized because a week later Mary entered the hospital maternity ward and gave birth to a girl and a boy. As soon as she was able she called Gary and told him the news. Needless to say Gary was, at the same time, elated and frustrated because had hoped to be home by this time.

The pressing issue of naming the newborn girl and boy came to a head as Gary had been extended for six more weeks. Mary suggested that Gary's brother, Martin, could fill the bill and he would be a good uncle to the newborns. Gary agreed he would be a good uncle but was not too happy that he himself could not do the naming. They agreed and Mary called Martin to do the honors. The next day Gary called the hospital to see if everything was OK and find out the names of the two babies.

Mary told Gary that Martin named the new born girl Denise. Gary was surprised that his brother could pick such a good name. Gary asked what did Martin name the boy to which Mary replied Denephew!


----------



## oldnovice

*Why men need tools!*


----------



## wormil

Not a joke but funny


----------



## oldnovice

*WHY???*


----------



## TheDane

Perks of reaching 70 and heading towards 80!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run-anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
And finally … you can't remember who sent you this list.


----------



## TheDane

Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true…)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)


----------



## TheDane

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)


----------



## TheDane

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into the DVD drive on her computer, then pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was "using the ATM thingy".


----------



## TheDane

Four men are in a hospital waiting room waiting for their wives to give birth. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says "congratulations, its twins!"

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"

"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"

A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"

"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong?" the others ask.

"I work for 7 Up!"


----------



## TheDane

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail-one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

"Yes, sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas."


----------



## TheDane

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me much."

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I've been here, and you didn't realize it.

The doctor says, "Interesting. Why don't you take these pills and come see me in a week?"

The old lady returns in a week and says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!"

The doctor says, "Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let's work on your hearing."


----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, those are all great. I needed a good laugh tonight. Thanks!


----------



## TheDane

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer said. "This is a special day for me; I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different rooster," he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"


----------



## Bonka




----------



## TheDane

An old man wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Jase,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year; I'm just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. 
Love Dad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. 
Love Jase.

At 4A.M. the next morning, the police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad.
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. 
Love Jase.


----------



## TheDane

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.


----------



## oldnovice

*This is different!*


----------



## wormil

*An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.*

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel and is plunged into darkness. Each time a slap is heard and when the train leaves the tunnel and into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. 
-The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."
-The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him."
-The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake."
-The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that Frenchman again."


----------



## TheDane

All of the relatives gathered together in the hospital waiting room tensely waiting the Doctors report. Finally after what seemed like hours the Doctor finally came out. "Well" he said "I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is I am afraid his brain doesn't work anymore, but the good news is that there is a new procedure called a brain transplant. But I am afraid it's quite expensive and it's not covered by insurance. After a few seconds one of the sons asked "well how much does it cost." The Doctor replied "it's $10,000 for a male brain and $2,000 for a female brain."

The moment turned quite awkward and despite the seriousness of the situation some of the men actually started smiling. Finally one of the men couldn't control himself and asked the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the female brain so much less."

"Oh that's just standard pricing procedure,"the Doctor replied "you see we have to charge less for the female brain simply because they're used.


----------



## patron

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anaesthesia shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaims

So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man says, "I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills." So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them. "What are those?" he asks.

"Viagra," she calmly replies.

"I'll be damned," said the man, "I didn't know Viagra works as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," says the wise lady,

"But it'll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."


----------



## TheDane

There was a man who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."


----------



## Mike_in_STL

Oooohhhhhhhh, groan…. Bad conductor…. WOW. The geek in me is ROTFLMAO.


----------



## oldnovice

That was a *"shocking"* story!


----------



## wormil

Racecar backwards is racecar
Racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died


----------



## wormil

A flat earther decided to walk to the edge of the world to prove it's flat.
.
.
.
.
In the end he came around.


----------



## Bonka

Koran AirLines Crash names,


----------



## Grumpy

I really got a *charge* out of executioner story Gerry.


----------



## Bonka

The truthful lawyer

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But the lawyer was having difficulty finding a new place to live. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie. We all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their children. He took the remaining one with him to tour rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right-the agent asked: "How many children do you have? He answered: "Twelve"

The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer, putting on his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

Moral: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget - most politicians are lawyers!


----------



## wormil

Good one Jerry.


----------



## TheDane

The brand new edition of you know you're a *********************************** when …

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.


----------



## BurlyBob

31. You go to family reunions to find a new date.


----------



## Bonka

32. When you get divorced you wonder if your still cousins.


----------



## wormil

33. You use your instead of you're.


----------



## summerfi

34. Your second car is a riding lawnmower.


----------



## madts

35. You voted for trump.


----------



## wormil

36. Your riding mower is faster than your car.


----------



## Grumpy

You can thank Dan for this one!
.
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" 
"Well… the only thing I can think of is this… my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it… Hollandaise sauce she called it… and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything… meat, fish, toast, vegetables… you name it!" 
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." 
"Why chrome?" the man asked. 
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"


----------



## patron

A lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine.

Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.

As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.

His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.

He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and shot the female.

"What did jado that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff.

"Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"


----------



## TheDane

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted.

She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned.

She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.

She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again.


----------



## Bonka

A young man in the military was stationed in Germany. One day, on a weekend pass he went to a bazaar and found an old woman selling quilts.

The young man approached her booth and picked up a quilt. He then turned to the woman and asked "How much?"

The woman replied, "$25 dollars American, but I must warn you, the quilt was made by a gypsy and has magic woven into it."

Paying the woman no mind, he paid for the quilt, and returned to base.

That night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he was extremely wealthy. The next morning mail call had a surprise letter for him. His wife had played the lottery and won $65 million dollars.

The next night he slept under the quilt and dreamt that he had sex with a beautiful woman that he had seen on the base. The next day, the base doctor (the woman in question) Brings him to her office and has sex with him on the exam table.

Excitedly, the next night, the man hurried to bed and dreamt that his penis reached his ankles. To his horror, he awoke to find his legs had shrunk to four inches long.


----------



## TheDane

Jerry was at a marriage seminar, and the leader of the seminar, a lady, was asking everybody how long they were married for.

When it was Jerry's turn Jerry said that he was married for almost 50 years. "Wow" the leader gushed "that's amazing, perhaps you can take a few minutes to share some insights with everybody, how you stay married to the same woman for so long."

"Well," Jerry said after thinking for a few moments, "I try to treat her nice, buy her presents, take her on trips… and best of all, for our 25th anniversary I took her to the Bahamas."

"Well that's really beautiful, and a true inspiration for all of us" the lady said "maybe you can tell us what you are going to do for your 50th anniversary" she said with a smile

"Well" Jerry said "I'm thinking of going back to the Bahamas to pick her up."


----------



## TheDane

Marvin, was in the hospital on his deathbed. The family called Marvin's Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin's condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper.

The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn't the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket.

It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said "and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I'm sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

The note said "HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!


----------



## 000

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."


----------



## Bonka




----------



## wormil

"Please Officer, help my sad niece!
I fear that she may be deceased!
She's hung from that fir!"
"You mean 'hanged,' my good sir-
my badge here says 'Grammar Police."


----------



## TheDane

Jack decided to go snow skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything!"

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)


----------



## TheDane

My kids wanted to know what it's like to be a Dad, so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane

A woman gets cheated by on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking and climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk.

"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and take care of him. Now he's left me for a younger woman. My life has been stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?"

"Yes" - she answers.

"Do you want another one?" - the monk asks.

"Sure, please". - she answers.

The monk looks her in the eyes and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever."

The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## CaptainKlutz

> A woman gets cheated by on by her husband.
> ..............................
> The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
> - TheDane


Haha, My first thought after reading this one….

News Flash:
Weight Watchers International reports that Deranged woman climbs mountain, Kills famed wise monk, Destroys centuries old Temple because of fat joke.


----------



## patron

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

"He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,

"What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Bonka




----------



## patron

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office.

A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them.

On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted,

"Are those potato chips?"


----------



## oldnovice

*Someone's tool box is missing something!*










From Spass.net, a German web site.


----------



## oldnovice

The tape on the window is Chinese for *"broken window".*


----------



## TheDane

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Walt, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Walt is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Walt, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Walt looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Walt passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike-Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike-it's me, Walt."

"You're not Walt. Walt just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Walt," insists the voice.

"Walt! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Walt. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Walt says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"


----------



## Grumpy

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham, delete it. It's spam.


----------



## Grumpy

Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'.
Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger


----------



## TheDane

A woman was sitting in the doctor's office when he came in and said,

"Mrs.Jones, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice."

"Oh my god" she said. "I've got to get to a phone."

"Why?" asked the doctor.

"I must have packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box."


----------



## TheDane

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to
himself.

"Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"

"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"


----------



## Grumpy

This one's from Crowie
.


----------



## GR8HUNTER

LMAO you beat me to it Tony :<)))


----------



## Grumpy

No wonder it's a one trillion $ company. It saved on the cost of windows.
.


----------



## TheDane

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark,

"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.

My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your a$% you grouchy old b#@h"


----------



## BurlyBob

Thanks Gerry I need that laugh it was a great one!!!


----------



## Grumpy

There was a power failure in a Department Store last week and
three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two
hours.


----------



## ksSlim

Mental/Sanity test?


----------



## Grumpy

You got it KsSlim
.
Here's another;
.
"O'Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?"
"And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?" O'Leary replied.


----------



## oldnovice

Actually, there is so much glass in Apple headquarters in Cupertino that employees have been injured walking into walls.










To bad their bookkeeping is not that transparent, sorry Apple!


----------



## Bonka

I don't need a lot of glass to walk into walls.


----------



## Grumpy

Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. "I'm pregnant" she cries.
.
"And how do you know it's yours?" shouts her father.


----------



## Grumpy

PADDY: "Hey Shaun, what's Mick's surname?"
.
SHAUN: "Mick who?"


----------



## TheDane

A husband and wife are shopping in their local store. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart.

"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on with their shopping. A few aisles on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful" replies the wife.

Her husband replies "So does 24 cans of beer… and it's half the price!"


----------



## patron

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Suzie led off:

"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly:

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success?

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Vicky was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Vicky," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Joey's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Joey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher:

"What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Joey.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher:

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Joey:

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing:

"Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say:

"It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

I used the governmental approach of giving them crap for free, and then making them pay to get the bad taste out of their mouth."


----------



## TheDane

A blonde called her boyfriend and said "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had all the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then…" He sighed, "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."


----------



## Grumpy

>> PADDY: "If you can guess how many Pheasants I've got in me bag you
>> can have both of them".*
>> *SHAUN: Three.*
>> ………………………………….
>> 
>> Mrs Murphy said: I don't tink me husband has been faithful to me".
>> "Why's that?" said Mrs O'Toole.
>> "Me last child don't look anything like him".


----------



## Grumpy

Mrs O'Toole said: "I can only tell you this bit of scandal once,
because I promised Mrs O'Leary I would never repeat it".
……………………………………

Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for
their conjugal relations to arrive.


----------



## TheDane

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

"Captain," one passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."


----------



## patron

Two men go on a fishing trip. They rent everything they need for the trip including the cabin.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch anything. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home one of them turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


----------



## oldnovice

A man was delighted because every light bulb in house was stolen!


----------



## Grumpy

>> Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him
>> what it was for.
>> "It's me weather guide" said Murphy, "If it's swinging back and forth,
>> it's windy and if it's wet, its been raining.
>> ……………………………………..
>> 
>> Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose
>> the last week in July and the first week in August.


----------



## TheDane

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini.

I said "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."


----------



## TheDane

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and had decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was my girlfriend's beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my girlfriend's "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want that one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the front door. I opened the door and headed straight for my car. Lo and Behold! My entire future family was standing outside clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!

And the moral of the story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!


----------



## Grumpy

Did you hear about the 'Great Viagra Robbery'
.
.
.
.
.
.
The cops caught a 'Gang of Hardened Criminals' for it.
.


----------



## ThistleDown

Three nuns were having breakfast one morning and the first one said, I was cleaning Father O'Grady's room the other day and found dirty magazines. What did you do asked the second one? I burned them, every one, she said. Then the second nun said, I was cleaning Father O'Grady's room yesterday and I found a box of condoms. What did you do, ask the first one? I took out my hat pin and poked a hole in them, every one. The third nun fainted.


----------



## TheDane

Aunty brought her very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

Aunty wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at Aunty and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to Aunty..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gerry.


----------



## Grumpy

>> Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man's
>> hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up
>> and put it in the hat. "You're not blind" she said. "No I'm not" said
>> Paddy, "Its Murphy whose blind, I'm just filling in for him while he's
>> gone to the pictures".


----------



## TheDane

A 90-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 90-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this-first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing …'

The doctor was shocked ! You asked your neighbor ?

The old man replied "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Sad to grow old


----------



## Grumpy

>> Father O'Flaherty asked Mrs O'Reilly how many children she had Four
>> was the reply. "That's a good Catholic woman you are, and when will
>> you be having the next? He asked. "I'm not Father", she replied. "I
>> read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese".


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## BurlyBob

I 'bout blew my coffee out my nose after reading that one!


----------



## Bonka

Old Guys and Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, I can't believe everybody knows about this s*** but me.


----------



## BurlyBob

That was a real good one , Jerry.


----------



## wormil

I guess someone doesn't like clean jokes.

VVVVVV Should I have used a winky face emoji? Is that the secret?  VVVVVVVVVVV


----------



## woodcox

Nor the Irish.


----------



## Grumpy

This little piggy went to market!!!
.


----------



## patron

Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said:

"Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit".

Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian.

He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?"

The Indian replies "Eggs!"

Well, everyone has eggs for breakfast, this guy is a charlatan, the man thinks.

30 years later, the same man is on vacation with his wife and children and sees the sign for the Indian again.

He thinks what the heck, I'll stop in and see him.

When the man approaches the Indian, he holds up his hand and says, "How!"

The Indian replies, "Scrambled."


----------



## wormil

How are hurricanes and woman alike. 
nm, that one will get reported…

Here we go… 
Knock, Knock…
Who's there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive woodworking!


----------



## mel52

Survey was going to done on why some people get much older than others. The surveyor ends up in a small Montana town. As he is driving down the street, he sees three very old gentlemen sitting on a bench by the barber shop, and decides this is as good a place as any to start. He asks the first one how he got to be so old. He says, I don't cuss, I don't drink, I don't smoke or go out with wild women. He was asked how old he was and he replied 93 years. The second gentleman was asked the same question and he said, I don't cuss, I don't drink, I don't smoke or go out with wild women. How old are you he was asked, his reply was 102 years. He looked at the third really old looking gentleman and asked him the same question. The really old looking man replied, I cuss, I drink, I smoke AND I go out with wild women. After pondering his answer, the surveyor asked, well then how old are you. The very old man replied, with a quavering voice, Thirrrtttyy siiixxxxx .


----------



## Grumpy

Crumpled Money…..
.
. 
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice,"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" 
"Uh… No, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties… And pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, …."No!," trying to hide his anticipation.

She said, "Better check the garage."


----------



## oldnovice

*HOW MEMORIES ARE MADE!*


----------



## BurlyBob

You guys are getting a little Randy there!


----------



## Grumpy

"We're looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund", said Paddy.
"Didn't you take on a new one last month?" said Murphy.
"That's the one we're looking for", Paddy replied.


----------



## TheDane

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee - and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …

"You missed the f- putt, didn't you?"


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Gerry
.


----------



## Grumpy

The pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to
make it interesting they have a sweep to guess where they are going.
Bill, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.


----------



## TheDane

Foreign folks have a hard enough time learning to speak and write American English and also coping with regional dialects, but consider these additional issues.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy

Special Package deal for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free. 
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply…"What trip?"


----------



## wormil

> - Gerald Thompson


Double LOL

The Scandinavian runner opined
He had raced in a very fast time
And in the next lane
Had beaten a Dane
Arriving at the Finnish line


----------



## Grumpy

Cool Message by a Wife Dear Mother-in-law, 
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement".
-----------------
Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture. All the knives were missing the target! 
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?" 
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."


----------



## TheDane

A man was heading home from work, and called a cab. While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection.

The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, "Sorry Sir, but…"

The driver screamed, "AAAAAAHHHH!" and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant and stopped just 1 feet from a department store shop window.

For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. For the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse!"


----------



## mel52

Now THAT is funny !!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Grumpy

Your Husband Needs Rest Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,
so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!


----------



## wncguy

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by… He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his friggin wife."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?" he concluded.

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."


----------



## Grumpy

My Dear Husband,
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good
wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the
last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the
Last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new
hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new
nightie.

You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching your TV 
soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or 
anything that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Wife.

Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand
together! Have a great life!

Reply:

Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you 
and I have been married for 20 years, although a good wife is a far 
cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
& bitching. Too bad that doesn't work anymore. I DID notice when you 
got a new hairdo last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look
just like a boy!'

Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment…and when you cooked my favourite meal, you 
must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten 
prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price 
tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had 
just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets to Paris for us, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband (Rich As Hell & Free!)

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem!


----------



## BurlyBob

Those last two were totally awesome!


----------



## JADobson

75% of all German Shepherds are dogs.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bonka




----------



## TheDane

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his check book, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> My Dear Husband,
> I m writing this letter to tell you that I m leaving you. I ve been a good
> wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the
> last 2 weeks have been hell.
> 
> Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the
> Last straw.
> 
> Last week, you came home & you didn t even notice I had a new
> hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new
> nightie.
> 
> You ate in 2 minutes & went straight to sleep after watching your TV
> soaps. You don t tell me you love me anymore; you don t want sex or
> anything that connects us as husband & wife.
> 
> Either you re cheating on me or you don t love me anymore; whatever
> the case, I m gone.
> 
> Your Ex-Wife.
> 
> Don t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand
> together! Have a great life!
> 
> Reply:
> 
> Dear Ex-Wife,
> 
> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It s true you
> and I have been married for 20 years, although a good wife is a far
> cry from what you ve been.
> 
> I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
> & bitching. Too bad that doesn t work anymore. I DID notice when you
> got a new hairdo last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was You look
> just like a boy!
> 
> Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can t say something
> nice, I didn t comment…and when you cooked my favourite meal, you
> must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven t eaten
> prawns for 7 years.
> 
> About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price
> tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had
> just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
> 
> After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets to Paris for us, but when I got home you were gone.
> 
> Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
> 
> I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won t get a dollar from me.
> 
> So take care.
> 
> Signed,
> Your Ex-Husband (Rich As Hell & Free!)
> 
> P.S. I don t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
> I hope that s not a problem!
> 
> - Grumpy


What with nationalized health care in some countries, I'm curious how much Carla paid for her addadictome surgery.

What!?


----------



## TheDane

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bonka




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Chewing gum might be OK, but bubble gum is out!!


----------



## Grumpy

Bob, that's more like 'Bubble Bum'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## mel52

Grumpy, it didn't take me long to get the drift on your window sticker. And I agree…...


----------



## Grumpy

Yes Mel, it did need a bit of thought.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

Because of the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, "Did we pay our credit card bill yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, sweetheart," begged the wife. "I didn't send that one, either."

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years.

She pulls away and asks him, "What was the hug for?"

The husband answers, "They'll find us!"


----------



## Grumpy

Butch the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? 
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.


----------



## TheDane

A couple were invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. Got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. 
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior . She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening." 
"But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."


----------



## Bonka




----------



## TheDane

The Sharing in Marriage…

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it exactly that you are waiting for?'

She answered-

'THE TEETH.'


----------



## TheDane

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had….

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'


----------



## TheDane

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now …. I have a $500,000.00 home, a $60,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 74-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor."

"The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

*How true!*










From Spass.net


----------



## Bonka

So, My cousin called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday. I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Harris County jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday


----------



## oldnovice

Jerry, turnabout is fair play!


----------



## DanKrager

Tip: In the wee hours of the morning you can sneak into the house much more quietly if you take our your hearing aids.

DanK


----------



## woodsmithshop

DanK, is that experience talking?


----------



## DanKrager

No further comment!  But I did get the idea in the wee hours…

DanK


----------



## oldnovice

At my age many time during the night are wee hours!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC




----------



## BurlyBob

DanK, I'm a day late. But thanks that was a nice charming joke. I needed it!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

After retiring, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart-a** punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

With a strong breeze blowing, it made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead Silence .

The rest of the year went smoothly.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC

When I first got to Nam,I was dating a tractor salesman. We broke up about 6 mos. later. She sent me a John Deere letter!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> When I first got to Nam,I was dating a tractor salesman. We broke up about 6 mos. later. She sent me a John Deere letter!
> 
> - Gary


Too bad my thumbs up emoji won't show on here.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day.

Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I speak with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I speak with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… "ME."


----------



## TheDane

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

A man is trying to sell a talking dog to another guy. The prospective buyer is obviously skeptical. The seller says "I can prove it. Dog, what kind of car does that man drive?"

The dog says "That is a 2004 Honda Accord"

The man is blown away. He gladly buys the dog for $50

That night, he takes the dog to a bar and announces "Come outside and see my talking dog. I will bet any of you $10 that he can talk"

Several patrons follow him outside. He says to the dog "Dog, what kind of car is that?" The dog sits silent. The man asks again, but nothing. The few people start laughing at the man and take their $10 apiece and go back inside.

The man yells at the dog "What the hell was that? I just lost $40"

The dog says "Calm down you idiot, just imagine how many people are going to take you up on the bet when we stop by tomorrow night!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

The artist, Donald McGill, was put on trial in 1954 for saucy postcards like this one
.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> The artist, Donald McGill, was put on trial in 1954 for saucy postcards like this one
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


I hope he got off! And the world could use a lot less people who find filth where there is beauty…or a simple joke.


----------



## torus

> I hope he got off! And the world could use a lot less people who find filth where there is beauty…or a simple joke.
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


Wikipedia: "Approaching 80, McGill fell foul of several local censorship committees which culminated in a major trial in Lincoln on 15 July 1954 for breaking the Obscene Publications Act 1857. He was found guilty and fined £50 with £25 costs. The wider result was a devastating blow to the saucy postcard industry; many postcards were destroyed as a result, and retailers cancelled orders. Several of the smaller companies were made bankrupt as they survived on very small margins. "


----------



## woodsmithshop

What does a woodturner call a bowl with a hole in the bottom?

..................... A lamp shade


----------



## woodsmithshop

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK
I (She) was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: 
A half-gallon of 2% milk 
A carton of eggs 
A quart of orange juice 
A head of lettuce 
A 2 lb. can of coffee 
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk (He) standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied,
'Cause you're ugly.'


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK
> I (She) was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
> A half-gallon of 2% milk
> A carton of eggs
> A quart of orange juice
> A head of lettuce
> A 2 lb. can of coffee
> A 1 lb. package of bacon
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk (He) standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, You must be single.
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict s intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
> I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?
> The drunk replied,
> Cause you re ugly.
> 
> - woodsmithshop


I laughed. I guess I'm a bad man. But then again, their are millions of incel men so I'm certain that it balances out, in the long run.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Magnum

> Tip: In the wee hours of the morning you can sneak into the house much more quietly if you take our your hearing aids.
> 
> DanK
> 
> - Dan Krager


Good One Dan! ...lol…


----------



## Magnum

> - Gerald Thompson


Good One Gerald!

Rick S.


----------



## Magnum




----------



## Magnum




----------



## Magnum




----------



## Magnum




----------



## Magnum




----------



## mel52

Love the one about the pool table and the tree. Thanks, Mike.


----------



## Magnum

> Love the one about the pool table and the tree. Thanks, Mike.
> 
> - mel52


Just so we know for sure it's Rick S. Not Mike. Glad you enjoyed it though Mel.

Rick S.


----------



## Magnum

> Love the one about the pool table and the tree. Thanks, Mike.
> 
> - mel52


Just so we know for sure it's Rick S. Not Mike. Glad you enjoyed it though Mel. ...LOL…

Rick S.


They Double Posted Me Again! *


----------



## Magnum




----------



## Magnum




----------



## Magnum

Rick S.


----------



## woodbutcherbynight

> - Rick S.


Exactly!!!!!


----------



## Bonka

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay…..How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## mel52

Rick S. I knew it was you. I just signed my name, which is Mike. Sorry for the confusion. I guess I should use Mel, ( my initials ).


----------



## TheDane

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a top professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A rather attractive lady driving by in a shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off …


----------



## TheDane

50 Shades of Grey for Seniors

Back and forth . . .

In and out . . .

In and out . . .

A little to the right . . .

A little to the left . . .

She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . .

Between her breasts . . .

And, trickling down the small of her back . . .

She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy . . .

With a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .

Forwards then backwards . . .

Forward then backward . . .

Again . . .

And again . . .

Her heart was pounding now . .

Her face was flushed . . .

She moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . .

Finally . . .

Totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream . . .

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Jim Jakosh

Fred and Mary got married.
But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" 
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." 
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" 
She replies, "No." 
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" 
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." 
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" 
His mom says "No." 
He asks, "Do you know what I think?" 
His mom replies, "Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Jim.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


Yeah, I know people like that!


----------



## TheDane

Appropriate … especially with an election in just over two weeks!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

This one is thanks to Dan.
.


----------



## Cricket

Reminder. This is a FAMILY friendly community. Stop posting adult rated jokes.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bonka




----------



## Grumpy

Jerry, you must have had a problem with twisted bits from Home Depot & Lowes


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

We had all the treats ready last night for halloween down under & we didn't even get one knock on the door and that's no joke.
.


----------



## BJODay

Somebody has to eat all that candy. I always buy stuff I like to eat.
BJ


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## smokie




----------



## smokie




----------



## woodcox

Is that meant to be political or racial, Mark?


----------



## torus

> Is that meant to be political or racial, Mark?
> 
> - woodcox


I think it is very vertical ))

PS the bear is photoshoped, don't you agree?


----------



## DanKrager

Who took the picture and where were they standing?

...something like between a rock and a hard place?

DanK


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Need this Magic Coffee table…..to be my "Magic Workbench"

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=magic+coffee+table&view=detail&mid=FC0CCEE72D603D460658FC0CCEE72D603D460658&FORM=VIRE


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## torus

How to fix this chair?








- make the cat go away


----------



## TheDane

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

--------------

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money
from his own bank accounts.

--------------

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

--------------

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

--------------

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

--------------

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo!!!)

--------------

Some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

An old station hand named Billy (otherwise known as a rancher) was overseeing his mob in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives
a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a mob of sheep.
.
Now give me back my dog."


----------



## smokie

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it ! 
◼︎ Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy!
◼︎ The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots!
◼︎ Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup!
◼︎ My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!
◼︎ Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!
◼︎ My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!
◼︎ My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason!
◼︎ Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 per cent. It's called a wedding cake!
◼︎ Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup!

◼︎ My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!


----------



## smokie

> Is that meant to be political or racial, Mark?
> 
> - woodcox


Really?


----------



## Grumpy

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again decided to leave a note saying, "I've had enough and I'm leaving you. Don't bother coming after me."

She then hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom; she could see him walking towards the dressing table and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone… "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy french sh*t, I love you."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

"I can see your feet. Stop being stupid, we're outta bread, put the kettle on, back in 5 minutes."


----------



## Grumpy

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large… 'I told her, of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill.. 'And if you don't change your @#$%^%^ attitude, you never will.'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## gtrboy77

That is the best and funniest clean joke that I've heard in as long as I can remember. Thanks for that!



> Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
> 
> And every year Morris would say,
> 
> Esther, I d like to ride in that helicopter.
> 
> Esther always replied,
> 
> I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
> 
> And fifty dollars is fifty dollars
> 
> One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
> 
> Esther, I m 85 years old.
> 
> If I don t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.
> 
> To this, Esther replied,
> 
> Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.
> 
> The pilot overheard the couple and said,
> 
> Folks I ll make you a deal. I ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet
> 
> for the entire ride and don t say a word I won t charge you a penny!
> 
> But if you say one word it s fifty dollars.
> 
> Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
> 
> The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
> 
> He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
> 
> But still not a word.
> 
> When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
> 
> By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn t.
> 
> I m impressed!
> 
> Morris replied,
> 
> Well, to tell you the truth,
> 
> I almost said something when Esther fell out,
> 
> But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
> 
> - Dan um Style


----------



## GaryC




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GaryC

The man that invented Spell Check died today
May he rust in piss


----------



## TheDane

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.


----------



## mel52

That is a good one !!! They always say that age and treachery will overcome youth and exuberance any day.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice..'
-------------------------
A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'


----------



## DanKrager

Do you know why engineers can't tell jokes timing?

ime travel. Quantum experiment proves t.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


lol I've seen families like that. My sons pitch in around the house, or they get grief that makes them wish they had just kept their mouths shut and got it done. Doesn't matter if the grief was from me or my wife- we're equal opportunity, that way!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## AllSweptUpChimney

I don't have any joke of the day to post, but I thought I'd try and help by sharing a link for something that gives me a good chuckle at least once a day. You might have to scroll a little bit, but there's always something funny.

https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/top/

Sometimes, the folks can be fairly immature, but like I said, some of them really crack me up.


----------



## Jim Jakosh

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Jim.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## GR8HUNTER

MANS ASS SIZE STUDY :

10% of men think their ass is too skinny 
30% of men think their ass is too fat 
60% say they dont care …. they love her …. she is a good women and they would not trade her for the world :<))


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## 000

Russian vs American Wrestling Championship

The Russians have a very good strangle hold, nobody EVER gets out of it.

1st fighters are up, coach says no matter what happens don't let the Russian get you in a strangle hold. After some hard wrestling, bam, the Russian gets him in the strangle hold, fight is over.

2nd fighter up, coach says no matter what happens don't let the Russian get you in a strangle hold. 
Bam, sure enough same thing, Russian got him in the strangle hold.

3rd fighter up, coach reminds him, Whatever you do, Don't let him get you in the strangle hold. 
They're wrestling hard, Bam, Russian gets him in the strangle hold, coach can't watch anymore,
whistle blows, the fight is over, coach turns and looks up, and they are raising the Americans hand. 
Coach says what happened, I saw him get you in the strangle hold? 
Fighter says, I looked up and saw a pair of nuts so I bit them, There ain't a hold in the world you can't get out of when you bite your own nuts.


----------



## TheDane

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
PS: there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna


----------



## DanKrager

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." 
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" 
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." 
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" 
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." 
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." 
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500…" 
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Stolen from somewhere….
DanK


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

My apologies if I posted this before.
.


----------



## TheDane

North Dakota Bank Robbery

A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Early in his marriage, my neighbor came home drunk at four in the morning, and the his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, he explained, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pee'd in your saxophone!"


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Early in his marriage, my neighbor came home drunk at four in the morning, and the his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.
> 
> "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, he explained, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!
> 
> She said she didn t believe him, so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
> 
> To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pee d in your saxophone!"
> 
> - TheDane


Was it an alto sax? Asking for a friend.


----------



## Grumpy

There may not be any 'sax' for awhile after that!! Gerry.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

Ain't that the truth if you are retired and fixed income!


----------



## torus

woodworking 80lvl


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

DR Dirt, Those were awesome. I was laughing so hard I was almost in tears! Thanks!!


----------



## Grumpy

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
(that's one of Santa's favourite jokes! *HO! Ho! ho!*)

Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"

What does Santa put on his toast?
"Jingle Jam"

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don't exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!
What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## woodbutcherbynight




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

To all my neighbors,

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.

I have to brake hard, toss my drink out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.

It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## smokie




----------



## smokie




----------



## smokie




----------



## smokie

Sorry folks for the triple posting. Goddamned computers!


----------



## Bonka

An 80-year-old rancher from Nebraska goes to the NU Medical Center in Omaha
for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do
you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Nebraska and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the
old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight
riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting
or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is
well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's
still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old cowboy. 'In fact he worked and hunted
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and
had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a
Nebraska rancher and he hunts and fishes too!'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting Married??? Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'


----------



## MPython

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy.'

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.' Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Damn' he says, and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'O bloody damn!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Be-Jesus… I'm in bloody trouble,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No bloody way….'

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'damn it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'


----------



## Grumpy

Good gags Jerry & MPython!
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

As the holiday season wraps up…..


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bonka




----------



## MPython

Paddy Murphy walked into his neighborhood pub promptly at 5 o'clock as he'd done for years. Mick, the pub keep, says to him:

Paddy! What's happened to ya laddie? Ya look terrible! Both of your eyes are black, y'ur nose is pushed over to one side o' y'ur face, it looks like they sewed your right ear back on. Whatever happened to ya?

Paddy says: Oh, me and Sean O'Leary been a' fightin'.

Mick: Sean O'Leary?! That little ********************e? He couldn't a done that to ya by himself. He must a had somethin' in his hand.

Paddy: Aye, that he did. A shovel it was, and a proper lickin' he gave me with it too.

Mick: What?! Sean O'Leary licked ya with a shovel??!! Surely ya had somethin' in y'ur own hand.

Paddy: Aye, I did. I had Ms. O'Leary's breast in me hand, and a thing o' beauty it was too, but useless in a fight!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DS




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy How in the world did you know that's exactly what my wife thinks of me?


----------



## Grumpy

.


----------



## Grumpy

Bob, i'm speechless.


----------



## smokie

NEWS UPDATE!! CANADA HAS FINISHED THIER WALL!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, he had to take an eyesight test.

The Optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the Optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


----------



## Grumpy

A good one from Dan'um Style.
.
A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his
badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming
for candy, cookies, all sorts of things..
The grandpa said in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be
long…easy, boy." 
The boy had another outburst and she heard the grandpa calmly say;
"It's okay, William. Just a few more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, William." 
"At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the
shopping cart. Grandpa said again in a controlled voice,
"William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five
minutes, stay cool, William." 
Very impressed, she went outside to where the grandfather was loading
his groceries and the boy into his car.
She said: "It's really none of my business, but I have to compliment
you. You were amazing in there I don't know how you did it. That
wholetime you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be
okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." 
"Thanks ma'am," said the grandpa, "but I am William. This little
bastard's name is Kevin."


----------



## TheDane

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(Have to 'Love the Dad's reply'!)

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## muleskinner




----------



## muleskinner




----------



## muleskinner

. . .


----------



## muleskinner

. . .


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

You can thank Karson for this one!
.


----------



## BurlyBob

So this guy walks into the saloon waving a pistol. He yells out, " I got a Colt 1911 45 with 7 rounds in the magazine and 1 in the barrel. Now I want to know whose been sleeping with my wife." From the back of the bar someone says, "Your gonna need more ammo."


----------



## Grumpy

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables. 
"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."


----------



## Grumpy

Dear Neighbour

Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.
The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2nd TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.


----------



## GR8HUNTER

A REAL JOKE OF THE DAY : weatherman perdicted dusting to 1/2 inch for today we have 3 and still snowing LMAO :<)))


----------



## GaryC

A Missouri State trooper pulled a car over on Hwy 54 about 2 miles south of Mexico, Missouri when the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to St. Louis to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Missouri got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."


----------



## DrDirt

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares,
'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher..

---------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 
The man said, "I do, Father." 
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this… You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" 
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

----------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." 
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" 
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

On from Karson.
.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy

Mexicans are said to be very unhappy about Donald Trumps wall.
But they will get over it eventually.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Karson 
.
.
A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But she had a large house, and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me." he replied.


----------



## patron

A man tells his doctor that he's incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination is over, he says,

"Okay, Doctor. In plain English-what's wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," says the doctor,

"you're just lazy."

The man nods.

"Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

SOMETHING TO PONDER

The light turned yellow as he approached the traffic lights….

He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he might have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection….
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer…. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up….

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell…. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door….
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects…. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake….

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him….

I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….
I assumed you had stolen the car…."


----------



## DLK

Nice I like that one.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> SOMETHING TO PONDER
> 
> The light turned yellow as he approached the traffic lights….
> 
> He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he might have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection….
> The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
> 
> As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer…. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up….
> 
> He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell…. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door….
> She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects…. He said, "I m very sorry for this mistake….
> 
> You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him….
> 
> I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….
> I assumed you had stolen the car…."
> 
> - Grumpy


Reminds me a broadcast by the Late Great Paul Harvey. He said for a Christian Nation we aren't doing too well. Only 13% live by what they claim to believe in on Sunday mornings.


----------



## oldnovice

> Reminds me a broadcast by the Late Great Paul Harvey. He said for a Christian Nation we aren t doing too well. Only 13% live by what they claim to believe in on Sunday mornings.
> 
> - TopamaxSurvivor


I surprised that's it's that high!


----------



## DS

Don't ya' know?

"93.4% of all statistics quoted on the internet are made up." 
George Washington


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Reminds me a broadcast by the Late Great Paul Harvey. He said for a Christian Nation we aren t doing too well. Only 13% live by what they claim to believe in on Sunday mornings.
> 
> - TopamaxSurvivor
> 
> I surprised that s it s that high!
> 
> - oldnovice


At the time I thought that was a bit optimistic, probably in the 90s. I'm sure it is over 10% too high today ;-(


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Finally a tender lawyer story 
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his Comcar Government limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat 
grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer 
said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating 
grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife 
and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as 
the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story?
Look at Parliament-over 100 Lawyers!!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

That's a good one Grumpy. I'm not quite there but working my towards it.


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## patron

THE SENILITY PRAYER

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to

tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older,' here's what I've discovered:

ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded…

FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…

TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause…kids.

TWELVE-It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN-Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're
in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them
on my knees.

FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to play chess?

SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses … they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN-These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm
here after.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

hahahaha, so true!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

A travellers experience
Travelling down the coast road I needed to use the toilet. I stopped at a rest area headed for the toilet, went into the cubicle and this is what happened…









"Hi, how are you?"

Now…I'm not the type to start a conversation in a toilet

and I don't know what got into me, but… I answered…

"Doin' just fine!"

then the other person said:

"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? I'm thinking…
this is too bizarre… so I said:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I was just trying to get out as fast as I could 
when I heard another question.

"Can I come over?"

OK, this question was just too weird for me but I figured 
I would just be polite and end the conversation…so I said:

"No.. I'm just a little too busy right now !!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously…

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubicle
who keeps answering all my questions 
.


Mobile phones, don't you just love'em *


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DS

^^^ When ewe absolutely, positively have to get there overnight…


----------



## 280305




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy

.
Yes DS, he does look a bit sheepish.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MSquared

Watch it's hooves! It might be trying to fleece that guy!


----------



## Grumpy

Good one Marty.


----------



## Grumpy

5 OLDER LADIES

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, 
a HWP Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two 
in the front seat and three in the back…wide eyed and white as 
ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't 
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should 
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger 
to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit 
exactly…Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the old woman says a 
bit proudly.

The HWP Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 
is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for 
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask…Is everyone in this 
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a 
peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off 
Highway 189.."


----------



## ksSlim

H Ha good one!


----------



## doubleDD

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're going to love this)

(A masterpiece)

(Wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says…"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


----------



## MSquared

*OUCH!!! * DD,... A 'Groaner!! ..... But a classic!


----------



## smokie




----------



## 280305

Or, as my older sister says, you know you're getting older when you bend over to pick up something and you say to yourself, "Let's see, is there something else that I can do while I'm down here?"


----------



## Grumpy

Catholic horses & protestant punters

CATHOLIC HORSES
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. 
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 
.
.
.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites.'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MSquared

Exactly!!!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Did you hear about the Scarecrow that got a promotion?.
.
.









.
.
.
He was outstanding in his field.


----------



## MSquared

DOH!!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


Did you know that when a woman talks, her brain releases endorphins, which cause sensations of pleasure. Getting ripped on talking! Oh, hi, honey, [ducks].


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

*Feeling Older….*


----------



## Grumpy

Teacher asks class
"Class, can anyone define ransom?" 
Before she could blink little Johnny had his hand in the air
Teacher: "Yes Johnny " 
Johnny: "Miss, I know the answer" 
Reluctantly the teacher says, "yes Johnny" 
Little Johnny: 
"Way out West where the grass grows green
A pussycat sat on a sowing machine.
The sowing machine went so dogam fast,
It sowed 10 stitches in the Tom cat's ass.
I bet he ran some." 
.
Little Johnny does it again.
.


----------



## Grumpy

One from Dan.
.


----------



## Grumpy

One from Dan.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bonka




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt

For the Queen fans….


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> For the Queen fans….
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - DrDirt


LOL


----------



## TheDane

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub.

There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing", replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me".

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", replied the old man.


----------



## DLK

> - DrDirt


And somehow we eat kale.


----------



## MSquared

Kale! Blech!! Who's idea was that?!


----------



## mel52

I don't know about Kale, but I think the food pyramid was done wrong. There just HAS to be a part of it for booze or chocolate. LOL. Mel


----------



## MSquared

Mel - There is. It's in the foundation!!


----------



## Grumpy

One from Dan.
.


----------



## Grumpy

Another from Dan.
.


----------



## MSquared

Haaaaa!!!! That'll get 'em riled up!!


----------



## tomd

BREAKING NEWS; They will not make yard sticks any longer.


----------



## tomd

BREAKING NEWS; They will not make yard sticks any longer.


----------



## patron

> BREAKING NEWS; They will not make yard sticks any longer.
> 
> - tomd


thanks tom
this might explain why many of my cut boards
are to short


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanKrager

A plane is on its way to Toronto , when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." And gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt

Monday Thoughts…


----------



## MSquared

Whaaat? I don't get it dude!


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, I need a good laugh or three! Make it so!


----------



## Grumpy

Ok BurlyBob, here's one just for you.
.
Two doctors talking about career paths
Dr 1
"what made you specalise in proctology?. You could have picked something more elequent like plastic surgery".
Dr 2
"Well it's like this!. I saw *an opening* for it and took up the challenge"


----------



## BurlyBob

That was a good chuckle. Thanks Grumpy. I've been missing your jokes.


----------



## HokieKen




----------



## wildwoodbybrianjohns

I ask for forgiveness beforehand if ya all have heard this 100 times, or if it has already been posted.

Right:

A ram and his son are up on the hill keeping watch over their fine flock of ladies.

The son says: hey, dad, lets run down there and f-o-rk one of those fine girls!

The ram says: no son, lets walk down and f-o-rk all of them.


----------



## wncguy

Shower Bar


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DLK

I like it.


----------



## Firewood

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you, especially walking." She told the men in the room that "You're in this together and you should go walking with your partner." One man raised his hand and asked, "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


----------



## DanKrager

DanK


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DLK




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MSquared

Runway clear. Wings ready to deploy. Jets up to pressure. Retro Rockets enabled. 10-9-8 ….. Launch!!!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DS




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## patron




----------



## muleskinner




----------



## CaptainKlutz

20 days no jokes? This one always makes me laugh:


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy;
.
This notice can now be found in many French churches: En entrant dans cette église, il est possible que vous entendiez l'appel de Dieu. Par contre, il n'est pas susceptible de vous contacter par téléphone. Merci d'avoir éteint votre téléphone. Si vous souhaitez parler à Dieu, entrez, choisissez un endroit tranquille et parle lui. Si vous souhaitez le voir, envoyez-lui un SMS en conduisant.

Translation: It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God. On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone. Thank you for turning off your phone. If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him. If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.


----------



## MSquared

Brilliant!


----------



## torus

Live edge stairs


----------



## 280305

Those stairs are hilarious. There is even a video of someone walking up and down:


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

They are a disaster looking for a victim. Better take is slow!


----------



## CaptainKlutz

OMG!
Have had to move to single story home 5 years ago because I have health/balance issues, and stairs are my nemesis.

*Just seeing a pic of those stairs made me fall out of my office chair!*

Sure hope the stair owner never has to sell that home! 
There are serious building standards on stairs, and home owner insurance companies won't cover structures that don't meet code. WHEN someone gets hurt on those stairs, it's going to be expensive education.



> Live edge stairs
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - torus


----------



## MSquared

+1 ^^ Captain! I consider myself lucky that it took almost 2 years before I could negotiate stairs with any confidence. (Basement stairs. One story house. My son and I put in an extra railing.) I winced when I saw that photo! What are some people thinking??!! Great looking wood ….Go make a coffee table or something before someone takes a serious 'header' on that booby trap!

Grumpy, we need another joke fast Lad!! Crikey!!!


----------



## Mike_in_STL

I certainly hope that those are just on the stairs for showcase, that's asking for a lawsuit.


----------



## bigblockyeti

I don't think they look that scary, I'd actually like to have something like that but with the "not my fault" snowflakes running rampant through the entire country and how litigious everything is these day, I'd only do it in another country.

It kinda sounds like the guy in the video is a little winded from from just climbing the stairs just once, that or he's suffering from the same ailment that Darth Vader was.


----------



## MSquared

Give 'em a 'tumble' ....


----------



## Grumpy

Marty, here's one from Dan
.
Sex after Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, would come back and inform the other, if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful ! .. What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud-lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again." 
. 
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?" 
. 
"No, I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."


----------



## 280305

The problem with stairs like that is not just that they are against some arbitrary rules. Imagine being a firefighter and going down those stairs in a smoke-filled environment, maybe carrying a victim of the fire.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

They don't necessarily look scary. Stairs need consistency in both the thread and rise. Who ever built my son's stairs off his deck made the bottom step about 1 1/2" higher than the rest. You had better not forget coming down unless you want a bloody nose :-(


----------



## MSquared

Thanks Grumpy! .... Good one Dan!! Been a bad day. I needed that!


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, at least he didn't turn up as a stud in a tire in Minnesota in January.


----------



## Grumpy

Ha ha Bob. He wheely would be done then.
.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

[picture two Greek guys, one is holding up a pair of trousers]

Greek holding the trousers, "Euripides?"

Second Greek, "Eumenides?"


----------



## MSquared

Lightning - That is what I call a 'groaner'! Which is not to say I won't use it! Especially with our very good Greek neighbors next door! Haa!!


----------



## Grumpy

Marty, here's another groaner for you.
.

A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple,
'€39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well,
here it is on the screen, it says:

'Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.'


----------



## Bonka

Oh Lord, Oh God, Oh No!


----------



## MSquared

Yes Grumpy, you are right on the money. That was indeed an official groaner! I'll have to tell that one to my Aunt Peg … Doh!!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

That there is right funny!


----------



## Grumpy

the German bra.
.
Holtzemfromfloppen!!


----------



## Grumpy

An Aussie and a Yank walk into a bakery.
The Yank steals three pastries and puts them in his pockets.
He turns to the Aussie and says,
" Pretty slick eh ? The owner didn't even see me." 
Unimpressed, the Aussie replies, " Mate I'm gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result." 
The Aussie calls the owner of the shop and says, "Mate, I want to show you a magic trick." 
Intrigued, the owner obliges. The Aussie asks him for a pasty, which he promptly eats, then asks him for another, and he eats that too.
He
asks for a third pastry, which he eats also.
By now, the owner says, " C'mon mate, where's the magic trick ? " 
The Aussie replies, pointing to the Yanki, " Check his pockets . . .


----------



## MSquared

Grumpy, Haaa! I'll be using that one for sure!

Ladies, pardon me in advance…

I'm compelled to add to your 'German Bra' joke. Growing up, we also had the German 'Schtaapemfromfloppin' other version and the American 'Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holders'. I was about 10 years old when I heard those. What a corrupted childhood!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Hmm. I heard it as "Double-Bubble Over-The-Shoulder boulder holder. Misspent youth, indeed!


----------



## Grumpy

Yes Marty, that over shoulder one is world renouned.


----------



## MSquared

Ah! Would that make me 'worldly' then?


----------



## patron

Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven.

He's been standing all morning and needed a lunch break.

He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.

"Jesus, thank goodness you're here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I have lunch?"

Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help says,

"Of course! What do you want me to do?"

"Its simple, as people come up you must check their names to see if they are in this book I have. If they are then welcome them in, if not, turn them away." And with that Saint Peter leaves for lunch.

Jesus waits for some time and eventually an elderly man walks up to him.

Jesus greets him energetically and asks his name.

The old man looks dismayed. "I was hit on the head when i died… I don't remember it."

"Well sir," says Jesus, "tell me about yourself. Perhaps I can help you figure it out?"

"Oh boy," the old man thought out loud,

"all I can remember is that I was a carpenter and my son was beloved by millions of people.

Now Jesus begins to choke up at this.

"Dad… Dad?"

The old man looks hard at Jesus and says

"Pinocchio!?"


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Saint Peter is at the gates of Heaven.
> 
> He's been standing all morning and needed a lunch break.
> 
> He sees Jesus walking by and stops him.
> 
> "Jesus, thank goodness you're here. I have a favor to ask. Can you watch the gate while I have lunch?"
> 
> Jesus, ecstatic at the chance to help says,
> 
> "Of course! What do you want me to do?"
> 
> "Its simple, as people come up you must check their names to see if they are in this book I have. If they are then welcome them in, if not, turn them away." And with that Saint Peter leaves for lunch.
> 
> Jesus waits for some time and eventually an elderly man walks up to him.
> 
> Jesus greets him energetically and asks his name.
> 
> The old man looks dismayed. "I was hit on the head when i died… I don't remember it."
> 
> "Well sir," says Jesus, "tell me about yourself. Perhaps I can help you figure it out?"
> 
> "Oh boy," the old man thought out loud,
> 
> "all I can remember is that I was a carpenter and my son was beloved by millions of people.
> 
> Now Jesus begins to choke up at this.
> 
> "Dad… Dad?"
> 
> The old man looks hard at Jesus and says
> 
> "Pinocchio!?"
> 
> - patron


lol He's going to open the trap door under your feet when it's your turn at the gates for this joke! lol


----------



## torus

> lol He s going to open the trap door under your feet when it s your turn at the gates for this joke! lol
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


Nooo…. Pinocchio is a good and kind boy! He will never do this!


----------



## Grumpy

One from Dan.
.


----------



## DLK

> lol He s going to open the trap door under your feet when it s your turn at the gates for this joke! lol
> 
> - Dark_Lightning
> 
> Nooo…. Pinocchio is a good and kind boy! He will never do this!
> 
> - torus


That saves the joke. Very funny *torus*, very funny indeed.


----------



## Grumpy

This is no joke.
Today is my 12th anniversary on Lumberjocks.
Thanks to all my buddies & friends on the site who have helped make my wood working journey a very pleasant one.
.


----------



## patron

happy happy happy

thanks for all your help and insights too

and keeping us all smoother
with this joke thread
and others

many more
drinks on me tonight


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Congratulations! You've quite a few well-received threads, too! You're two years and a couple of days ahead of me.


----------



## MSquared

Grumpy - Cricket let you stay on here that long?! Now, that's funny!! Congrats on the longevity of your posts and you're anniversary. We all need a smile and you generously provide that! Cheers!


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks David, just give me your address & I'll pop in, lol.
Steven happy anniversary to you as well.
Thanks Marty, I enjoy your contributions to the site.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Congrats Grumpy. Have a little shot on me ;-))


----------



## BurlyBob

Congrats Grumpy. I've enjoyed your presence here.


----------



## Bonka

A Wyoming Trooper pulled over a little old lady. By policy, asks "Ma'am, are there any weapons in the car?" She says "Why, yes". Digs in her bag, hands him a 380. Goes in the glove box, pulls out a 38. Reaches under the seat, hands him a 45. Rolls down the back window so he can see the AR-15. Trooper is stunned. "Ma'am, what is it you are afraid of?" She responds "Absolutely nothing."


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks Bob & Bob.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

*The Affair *
.
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son. 
.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted. 
.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy. 
.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son. 
.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen. 
.
He told his wife: 
.
' There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?' 
.

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

That reminds of the different stages of marriage. Yeah his is the last where his wife and her shyster screw him out of everything he has in front of all his family and friends. Wonder who loaned him the bicycle or who he stole it from?


----------



## DLK

I just wonder if it has a seat.


----------



## MSquared

Well, "On the bright side of life", he's getting physically fit for his next poor choice in marriage!  ... Pity, looks like he's gonna miss that 'off ramp'!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - TheDane


lol Belongs in the "Things that Will Start a Fight" thread!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, those are all really good!


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MSquared

That's gotta be NYC!


----------



## DLK

Up here in the north-woods you will signs for crawlers (i.e. worms) and an arrow pointing down the rode, I always wanted to erect an adjacent sign for walkers pointing the other way.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - Grumpy


Marty, More likely Seattle. Bartell Drugs is closing their downtown store because of uncontrollable shop lifting is costing them $100,000s per year and concern for employee safety because some are violet. They closed the 3 Ave entrance to the court house because jurors, staff and attorneys as well as the general public are being assaulted daily. Law enforcement is the Joke Of The Day there ;-((


----------



## MSquared

TS - Whoa!! The crazies in NY don't even do that!! And the PD would kick some butt if they did. Always thought Seattle was a mellow town. (Except for over-consumption of caffeine)


----------



## torus




----------



## MSquared

The first 'Neander-Walt' drill?


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy
> 
> Marty, More likely Seattle. Bartell Drugs is closing their downtown store because of uncontrollable shop lifting is costing them $100,000s per year and concern for employee safety because some are violet. They closed the 3 Ave entrance to the court house because jurors, staff and attorneys as well as the general public are being assaulted daily. Law enforcement is the Joke Of The Day there ;-((
> 
> - TopamaxSurvivor


Uncontrollable shop lifting. Never heard that phrase before, but I can believe it. My son works retail, and there are people who walk into the store where he works, and pick up stuff like the DeWalt set of five tools with batteries that sell for hundreds of dollars, and run out. The company doesn't let employees chase the people down, due to having had a couple of people assaulted and injured. Law Enforcement can only respond to what the owners want, and my son's case, I guess the company would rather lose the merchandise than alienate the community. Though why they worry about that is beyond me, because most of the community is law-abiding and doesn't appreciate those thieves. I guess the cost of lawsuits is bigger than the loss of profit?


----------



## MSquared

Well, we're unfortunately deep into a litigious society these days. Sad. It burns my toast! Wasn't that long ago when someone did something like that, someone would re-arrange his face. And, law enforcement would back you up. Now, it's years in court and multiple thousands of dollars to deal with some dirt bag that a judge will let go anyway.


----------



## MSquared

Aaaaah!! Let's create jokes!! How about leaving an Amazon box full of dog ******************** out in front of our houses for someone to steal?!!


----------



## DLK

I think an Amazon box full of cement would be funnier.


----------



## MSquared

Prof - OK. Good one! Wonder what Grumpy's input would be….


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

An exploding box of dog, or better yet, nice fresh cow manure would be more appropriate ;-)

Marty, goggle up "seattle is dying komo," it is quite disgusting ;-(


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## DLK

I need to find one of those signs.


----------



## bigblockyeti

> I think an Amazon box full of cement would be funnier.
> 
> - Combo Prof


Then the would be theif would trip, fall and injure themselves then sue. Sliding a few more .45ACP rounds through the bad guys' heads would leave a lasting impression and a sympathetic judge has never spared anyone from a previous death.


----------



## DLK

Well I wanted the package to be so heavy it could not be picked up. I don't want to have anyone injured.

Maybe just a package that explodes with a cloud of that blue dye they use.


----------



## bigblockyeti

Blue dye would work well, preferably the kind the various federal reserve branches have to ruin stolen money so it'll never come out of the offender's skin. Much like the way the East India Co. would brand pirates a very long time ago.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Well I wanted the package to be so heavy it could not be picked up. I don t want to have anyone injured.
> 
> Maybe just a package that explodes with a cloud of that blue dye they use.
> 
> - Combo Prof


Does cow manure count as green dye?


----------



## DLK

Well I suppose. Certainly green dye would be cheaper.

But we want something that (1) will not alert the thief by look or smell, (2) won't damage our property, with smell or something difficult to clean up (3) cheap.

If not for point (3) I would simply insert a tracking device that alerts police or security when the box is moved. In fact if the police would consider planting a few such boxes I think the problem would go away.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## MSquared

The potato joke sounds like me (who does pretty much all the cooking) instructing my wife in the kitchen. Reminds me of about a year or so ago. She was all excited and announced she was going to make a Pot Roast. Easy, right? I cringed and said OK. Meanwhile, back at the ranch … She started cooking and I wound up taking her to the ER for 1st and 2nd degree burns on her arms, neck and face!!! Luckily, I treated her fast at home before speeding her to the hospital and there wound up being little to no scaring after 6 or so months. Told her next time she wants to cook, I'll be giving her my welding helmet!!


----------



## DanKrager

A badly abused wife was informed that her husband had died. She was not relieved because he had threatened her that he would claw his way out of the coffin and come haunt her for the rest of her life.

After the funeral, a friend noted that the wife was surprisingly happy and carefree and inquired why. The wife reported that she was happy and no longer concerned that her husband would haunt her. She explained that she had given instructions to the mortician to bury him upside down. This way, when and if he could claw his way out, he would have a very long way to go and he was too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.

DanK


----------



## MSquared

Haaa!


----------



## torus




----------



## bigblockyeti

> The potato joke sounds like me (who does pretty much all the cooking) instructing my wife in the kitchen
> - MSquared


I thought I was the only who had a wife that doesn't cook. She can bake a mean batch of cookies but looks at me like I had two heads when I tell her to just make the kids mac & cheese, boiling hot dogs is apparently equally as challenging. She hasn't hurt herself (much) yet and I'm hoping to keep it that way.


----------



## MSquared

*Yeti -* You're not alone. I could go on, but won't. She's a great person. After almost 30 years, one would think it would come by osmosis. Nope! "By the the time I explain it to you, I'll have it done" is the common statement from me. But, she is always appreciative. I shoo her from the kitchen at meal time. So does our daughter , who is a good cook. And we usually make good lunches for her to bring to work. The wife proclaims to make a great gravy (I taught her. I doctor it up when she's not looking  ....), you don't boil gravy! I catch it and crank it down. One thing though is walking away from the grill when meat is searing. Aaaargh!!. ( I walk past and turn it) Anyway, we survive and eat well. 

P.S.; *Torus *-That's a real cool idea for a birdhouse! My wife has attracted tons of birds to our property and it's really cool to watch. Gonna try something like that!!................ Ooooops! I did 'go on'!!


----------



## TheDane

After ignoring you for 20 minutes, you'd be surprised how quickly Lowes employees try to assist you when you try to start a chainsaw.


----------



## MSquared

Dane - Ooooo! Gotta try that one!  Haaa!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" 
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" 
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." 
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde .
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" 
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

Thanks for this one Dan.
.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Thanks for this one Dan.
> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Grumpy


That's me for sure ;-)


----------



## torus

Did you find the cat?


----------



## Bonka

Yes. Wow!


----------



## BurlyBob

Yup!


----------



## MSquared

Whoa!! That's our Pumpkin as a kitten. He's 20 pounds now. Can still sit on top of a 2" fence! He's a gem! What a coincidence you could find apiece of wood to match his color!


----------



## JayT

Johnny is auditioning for a role in a play production for the first time. When he gets home, his father asks how things went. Johnny excitedly answers, "I got a part! I'm going to play a man who's been married for 20 years."

"That's all right, son," dad replies. "Keep working at it and you'll eventually get a speaking role."


----------



## MSquared

Haa! Try 30! :/


----------



## BurlyBob

Good one Jay!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MSquared

That never happens to me !!


----------



## DanKrager

DanK


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## DS




----------



## torus




----------



## MSquared

Okay. Nice work. Why?


----------



## CaptainKlutz

> Okay. Nice work. Why?
> - MSquared


Look at the angle and distances. I see 15 steps in ~5ft of floor space?
If the stair treads went all way across for each step, they wouldn't be deep enough for your foot. The only other option was to use a ladder style step with open treads to enable part of foot to hang off the back.
Another question is why only install a hand railing on 1 side?

Photoshop?

If I saw those stairs in an actual house, I would probably say:
You have to be joking. LOL


----------



## DanKrager

Self explanatory:









DanK


----------



## bigblockyeti

Those stairs looks surprisingly practical for not having too much room for a proper stair case though they'd never pass code.

I built this for my mom about 15 years ago.


----------



## torus

Cap and Yeti explained it quite right - small cottage, no room for full stairs ( I would prefer cabin style ladder, though…)









Any thoughts about this? ))


----------



## LeeRoyMan

> Cap and Yeti explained it quite right - small cottage, no room for full stairs ( I would prefer cabin style ladder, though…)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Any thoughts about this? ))
> 
> - torus


The guy on the bottom is not wearing hearing protection.


----------



## Mike_in_STL

> Cap and Yeti explained it quite right - small cottage, no room for full stairs ( I would prefer cabin style ladder, though…)
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Any thoughts about this? ))
> 
> - torus
> 
> The guy on the bottom is not wearing hearing protection.
> 
> - LeeRoyMan


Someone at OSHA just soiled themself.


----------



## miketo

Boy, apprenticeships sure have changed, haven't they?


----------



## torus

My version: Back pain quick fix


----------



## MSquared

Hey! Just noticed they're not wearing safety glasses!!


----------



## BurlyBob

Stupid is as stupid does!!!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MSquared

Bwaaaa!!


----------



## patron




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - torus


Too bad those stairs start with the wrong foot ;-)


----------



## Bonka

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## mrgrtt123

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children-he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'


----------



## MSquared

mrgrtt123 - Good one!

Grumpy - Some things will never change. Only the ways and means.


----------



## torus

Not all cracks should be filled with resin 










Henk Verhoeff, Auckland, New Zealand
https://odditymall.com/warped-cracked-design-fairytale-dressers


----------



## DanKrager

Man, I thought my shop had a moisture problem….

DanK


----------



## Mike_in_STL

I just checked out the link. REALLY impressive.


----------



## Grumpy

Thanks Mike.
.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: 
"Your Honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?


----------



## DanKrager




----------



## MSquared

-


----------



## Grumpy

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. 
He was hit by a truck owned by the Ever-sweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident;
'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da…. '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.
'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road…. '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident;
this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. 
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie,
my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch..

By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. 
However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. 
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.
He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, 
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road; gun still in hand,
looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da *&^% would you say?


----------



## MSquared

Love it!! Three winners in a row!!!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

I'd be fine too! ;-))


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, I just blew coffee out my nose after that one!!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


So true! I see enough of the hype on the internet. Our local CostCo is out of toilet paper again. But We went to a different store to do our grocery shopping and the paper products aisle was adequately stocked.

On another forum I frequent, people were joking about the fact that Corona Brewing has had to go to social media to tell people that the beer isn't the cause of that virus. One of the guys on that forum said that he would kill the virus by dropping a bunch of lime slices into the bottle. Next guy says, "Well, now you're going to get lime disease!".


----------



## MSquared

^^^^ + 10!!! I worked in television media for many years. Just a bunch of idiots selling ad time! And they DO sell it! As for any shortage of toilet paper? Wipe 'yer arse with a newspaper! Here's a gem for you all …. Here, our Illustrious and Wise Governor Andrew Cuomo (Who, P.S.: tore down a major bridge, rebuilt it and re-named it after his father, a former Governor) proclaims on the news today that commuters to, from and within NYC should avoid crowded trains, subways and buses!!! What a friggin' pompous ass!!!


----------



## MSquared

My sincere apologies for the rant. I got 'grumpy'….. Now, back to laughter!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Marty, What the brain dead politicos do is so stupid it is funny most of the time.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

Topical!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

^ So true!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

I discovered two lumps on my car battery.

I've had them tested and there was a positive result.

I hope it's not terminal.


----------



## DanKrager

*Dark_Lightning* that would be a negative, as in not terminal.

DanK


----------



## Dark_Lightning

I got a charge out of that, Dan!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DanKrager

Yes, you can use coffee filters as toilet paper, but it affects the flavor of the coffee.

DanK


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Just pretend that it's civet cat coffee. >.<


----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

So true! I did the math at our house, and unless there is an exhaust problem, we have enough paper to last a couple of months from now-one case that I bought 3 weeks ago, (out of self-defense) when we had only 10 rolls. One of my sons works at a big box hardware store, and they posted a sign that they will not accept returns on paper products. CostCo has done the same. Some people's great-grand kids will be using that paper. Harr!


----------



## Mike_in_STL

> So true! I did the math at our house, and unless there is an exhaust problem, we have enough paper to last a couple of months from now-one case that I bought 3 weeks ago, (out of self-defense) when we had only 10 rolls. One of my sons works at a big box hardware store, and they posted a sign that they will not accept returns on paper products. CostCo has done the same. Some people s great-grand kids will be using that paper. Harr!
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


BEAUTIFUL. That would be excellent KARMA.


----------



## Grumpy

The Flying Chicken
.
.

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!
.

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, 
military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of 
collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED 
THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED 
ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW. THE HORRIFIED 
BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF 
THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.

NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO:

"DEFROST THE CHICKEN." (TRUE STORY)


----------



## DLK

F.Y.I. you can make toilet paper last twice as long if you you use both sides.


----------



## 280305




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> F.Y.I. you can make toilet paper last twice as long if you you use both sides.
> 
> - Combo Prof


This is true, if you use it like floss.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

1 April, 2071. We just opened the last case of TP that Great great grandmother Gertrude bought during the corona virus plague of 2020.


----------



## Grumpy

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

LMAO, Good one Grumpy!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

So I got my "Fine WoodWorking" magazine and see that there is an article on how to make a tabletop float. I immediately thought, "Two scoops of tabletop and some root beer".


----------



## Grumpy

.
Grumpy is still here though.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

:ThumbsUp: Grumpy. These days, we don't know who is going to be next.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## 280305




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor




----------



## Grumpy

LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA-ONLY U.S. CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY

Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read an ad in the newspaper for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do, and decided to apply. She submitted to a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.

The foreman studied her application, frowned and said, "I see you are well-educated, and have an impressive resume. However, I must ask whether you have any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Trump." She started work yesterday.


----------



## 280305




----------



## Grumpy

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb'.
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it - circumcision may not have been the best way to start.


----------



## MSquared

Haaa!! I needed that and will pass it along. Especially here on Long Island!


----------



## patron

Morning humor or stark reality

*Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
*I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
*I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
*Still haven't decided where to go for Easter--- The Living Room or The Bedroom
*PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
*Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
*I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
*This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.
*So, after this quarantine…..will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
*Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
*My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
*Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
*I'm so excited-- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
*I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
*Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
*Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
*Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under


----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MSquared

Patron - Thanks for stocking my joke 'arsenal'!  Not really a time for joking around here, but WTF?!


----------



## MSquared

Grumpy - I had that same experience at the grocery store! People are the same all over the world….


----------



## DLK

Only 14 days. I have my doubts.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## patron




----------



## LeeRoyMan




----------



## DLK




----------



## Grumpy

Are computers male or female???
.


----------



## WoodES

MAYDAY MAYDAY
The tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with a pilot, who lost communication, was on a cellular phone and yelling "Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! The pilot just had a fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket because he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph…..Mayday, Mayday!!"

The tower immediately put him on speaker phone and the Controller spoke, "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm."

The Controller asked: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Controller: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Controller: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The pee in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy.
.
Dead Horse Parable 
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. 
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. 
The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Donald replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Donald said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Donald said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Donald said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Donald said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Donald said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back." 
Donald later moved into the White House.


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy that so darn funny I'm almost crying.


----------



## DLK

Very funny, but being a mathematician I see that the profit is wrong. It should be
(500)($5) - $5 - $250 = $2245. The parable author must be Jack Mitnick


----------



## torus

> Very funny, but being a mathematician I see that the profit is wrong. It should be
> (500)($5) - $5 - $250 = $2245. The parable author must be Jack Mitnick
> 
> - Combo Prof


Don, you forgot that he still have a dead horse ))


----------



## BurlyBob

I knew an old cowboy years ago gave me a piece of advice about horses, " never pay more for a horse that you can out of it for dog food". They weren't worth much on the range back in those days. A lot of the old timers were telling me about canners, horses that were only good for dog food. Being a kid and not knowing anything I asked what a canner was. You should have seen the looks on their faces having to explain something so obvious to a dumb kid.


----------



## DLK

> Very funny, but being a mathematician I see that the profit is wrong. It should be
> (500)($5) - $5 - $250 = $2245. The parable author must be Jack Mitnick
> 
> - Combo Prof
> 
> Don, you forgot that he still have a dead horse ))
> 
> - torus


Well thats not clear. But if so its value is now less than $250 and he can't raffle it again, because the word is out on the scam.


----------



## MSquared

Sheesh!... Professors!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - DrDirt


WOAAHH! You have toilet paper!? Can I stay at your house!


----------



## DanKrager

DanK


----------



## TheDane

We recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

We were beginning to think we paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, the Vet come and had a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!

He's like a machine! We don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kind of taste like peppermint.


----------



## BurlyBob

That's a good one Gerry. Thanks I needed a laugh this morning.


----------



## Grumpy

>> A new supermarket opened near my house.
>> It has an automatic water mister to keep 
>> the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, 
>> you hear the sound of distant thunder and
>> the smell of fresh rain.
>> When you approach the milk cases, you 
>> hear cows mooing and experience the
>> scent of fresh hay.
>> When you approach the egg case, you hear
>> hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled
>> with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs
>> frying.
>> The veggie department features the smell
>> of fresh buttered corn.
>> I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Start at 1:40 on this video ;-))




__ https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10156124445639818


----------



## Dark_Lightning

My new face cover. :^D


----------



## TheDane




----------



## WoodES




----------



## Grumpy

"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year's submissions:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognised me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Virus-free. www.avast.com


----------



## DLK

For dinner tonight we had quiche quarantine .


----------



## patron




----------



## patron




----------



## TheDane




----------



## torus




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## WoodES




----------



## Grumpy

Thanks to Andy for this one
.

To all my Economic minded friends….

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets
are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is
living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and
lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs
to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner
grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to
the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his
supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local
prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her
"services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the
traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms
are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything…

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with
a lot more optimism.

*And that, is how a Stimulus package works.*


----------



## MSquared

The buck never 'really' stops …..


----------



## TheDane

*After 40 days of being in quarantine …*


----------



## DrDirt




----------



## DLK

I like it.


----------



## 280305

Let's see if I can ruin the fun here. It should really be:

7/16" *minus* 10 cents = 10mm


----------



## MSquared

You ruined the fun …...


----------



## DLK

Or 7/16 - 10mm is not much of an investment its only 10 cents.


----------



## torus

> Let s see if I can ruin the fun here. It should really be:
> 
> 7/16" *minus* 10 cents = 10mm
> 
> - ChuckV


It should be Phillips screwdriver! Nobody is noticing that it's a screw?! With a round head?!


----------



## torus

"bad joke of the day"


----------



## MSquared

A dime is roughly 'ten-per-cent' of 10mm. And it looks like that head didn't start out being round! Just my guess.


----------



## DS

It's hard to win an argument when people start throwing actual facts out there.

Winning an argument on the internet is a lot like winning the Special Olympics.
At the end of the day, you are still retarded.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> It's hard to win an argument when people start throwing actual facts out there.
> 
> Winning an argument on the internet is a lot like winning the Special Olympics.
> At the end of the day, you are still retarded.
> 
> - DS


;-)) ) Same thing happens going to city hall.


----------



## Grumpy

One from Dan.
.


----------



## TheDane

Day 43 of social isolation and it's looking like Las Vegas in my house …

We're losing money by the minute …

Cocktails are acceptable at any hour …

Nobody knows what time it is!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Mask testing


----------



## TheDane




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## TheDane




----------



## DS

Maybe I'm daft, but, I still haven't figured this one out.



> - Dark_Lightning


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Sink O de Mayo or check out Cinco de Mayo or https://nj1015.com/the-true-story-of-sinko-de-mayo-according-to-big-joe-henry/ ;-)


----------



## DrDirt

Grocery getting uniform??


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Dark_Lightning

Only in Louisiana!


----------



## DrDirt

Risque - - but subtle enough the kiddies wouldn't catch what is funny


----------



## Grumpy

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your *#[email protected]#' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT?


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Good one Grumpy ;-))


----------



## Grumpy

Co-vid humor

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

- The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

- You think it's bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.

- This virus has done what no woman has been able to do … cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

- Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

- Since we can't eat out, now's the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We're quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants - I say we use them!

- Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"

- Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

- I never thought the comment "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6 foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!

- Me: Alexa what's the weather this weekend? Alexa: It doesn't matter - you're not going anywhere.


----------



## DanKrager

Edith was a playful girl who decided to make her boyfriend a cake and tease him with it. So she made a beautiful chocolate cake to present to him as a surprise. When he came over that evening she presented the beautiful cake to him and he was so delighted he ate almost all of it. Then to show his appreciation he began to be make advances. But Edith was coy and kept pushing him off. He asked her what the matter was. She replied, "You can't have your cake and Edith too."

Dan K


----------



## TheDane

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.

"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." 
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."


----------



## MSquared

Haaaa!!! An excellent run of jokes!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy, that sounds like a Blonde joke.


----------



## Grumpy

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy I almost blew beer out of my nose from that one. Fantastic!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## DrDirt




----------



## Grumpy

A woman happened to be following a grandfather and his 
badly-behaved grandson while grocery shopping. The 
grandfather certainly had his hands full with the child who 
continually screamed for candy and cookies.

But, the grandfather spoke in a controlled voice: "Easy, 
William, we won't be long, easy boy."

The boy continued with the outbursts and the grandfather calmly said : 
"It's okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."

At the checkout the little horror continued throwing items out of the cart but
in a controlled voice the grandfather intoned, "William, William, relax buddy, 
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman walked outside to where the grandfather was 
loading his groceries and the little boy into the car and said, "It's none 
of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't 
know how you did it. That whole time you kept your 
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you 
just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William 
certainly is lucky to have you for a grandfather."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. 
This little bastard's name is Kevin."


----------



## BurlyBob

Grumpy you come up some of the great ones. Please keep them coming.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because I was taking too long to pay.

Wow. "Take the high road," I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.

As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, then the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.

When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine!

Now she has to wait even longer.

She's gonna learn today you just don't mess with us old people.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because I was taking too long to pay.
> 
> Wow. "Take the high road," I thought to myself. So I paid for her food.
> 
> As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, then the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.
> 
> When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine!
> 
> Now she has to wait even longer.
> 
> She's gonna learn today you just don t mess with us old people.
> 
> - TheDane


Good one ;-))


----------



## wncguy

With apologies to my ex-wife…

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

> On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife…
> 
> The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
> After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
> 
> The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 
> 
> "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'.
> 
> "When you do, you will become more
> manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." 
> 
> The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" 
> "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." 
> 
> The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. 
> 
> When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" 
> Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
> His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as shed asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" 
> 
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


----------



## Grumpy

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide , they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed
to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

The Enda


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Grumpy

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them ******************** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ********************."

"It was my first day with the hook."


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## MSquared




----------



## Mike_in_STL

That's awesome!


----------



## oldnovice

Someday in the near future some child, holding a mother's hand, will ask "Who is my father?"
The mother will say, "I don't know, he was wearing a mask!"


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Someday in the near future some child, holding a mother s hand, will ask "Who is my father?"
> The mother will say, "I don t know, he was wearing a mask!"
> 
> - oldnovice


There is too much of that now without masks ;-))


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## WoodES




----------



## MSquared

Haaa! 2 gems!!


----------



## Grumpy

Lemon Squeeze & More:-

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


----------



## Grumpy

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ….. I'm telling everybody!'


----------



## Grumpy

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, 
she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Good ones Grumpy ;-))


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## mel52

That's what my Black Lab looks like when I mention the vet. Mike


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy

A Doctor goes fishing
A doctor in wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy, how was your day?" 
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." 
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. 
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" 
"Tunderin' lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put…... I put….. drops in her eyes!


----------



## Grumpy

LIFE IS SHORT, SO DRINK THE GOOD WINE FIRST!
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" 
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. " 
"I was unexpectedly paroled".


----------



## wncguy




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Grumpy

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS: 
We will heel you 
We will save your sole 
We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK: 
"Blind man driving."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck: 
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, 
You've come to the right place."

On a Plumber's truck: 
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: 
"Don't sleep with a drip. 
Call your plumber."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: 
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: 
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and 
will take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: 
"Push. Push. Push."

At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: 
"No appointment necessary. 
We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes. 
Sit! 
Stay!"

At the Electric Company: 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. 
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

In a Restaurant window: 
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully. 
We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station: 
"Thank Heaven for little grills."

In a Chicago Radiator Shop: 
"Best place in town to take a leak."

And the best one for last…; 
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: 
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"


----------



## DLK

In Syracuse, N.Y. there was a metal supplier and processor that had a sign:

*STEEL WHEN YOU WANT IT*


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## torus

> Check this out
> 
> - noehchance


Above is a spam, IMHO


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Check this out
> 
> - noehchance
> 
> Above is a spam, IMHO
> 
> - torus


Yup, that popped up on my pre-click high alert reaction system as malware, ransomware or other nastyware.


----------



## Grumpy

One from Andy
.


----------



## patron




----------



## BurlyBob

David I worked with a college educated idiot just like that. What a total moron with a bachelor's degree. Book smart and life stupid. Pretty much this whole new generation…Sadly!!


----------



## Redoak49

I am college educated and knew some idiots that were not college educated. I do not brand any group of people idiots as there are a few everywhere.


----------



## oldnovice

Shortly after graduating from college I was working as an electronic technician I was checking out a very expensive circuit board while a new EE hire was watching. As I applied power to the circuit board the power supply voltage dropped to 0 volts immediately and the EE said you just destroyed that entire circuit board. I looked at him in disbelief, checked around the circuit board, found a solder bridge, removed same, reapplied power, and the circuit powered up OK to the amazement of the EE!

*Just because a piece paper says you know it all doesn't mean you really do!*


----------



## DLK

Things is that *no piece of paper says this !* It is not its purpose. The person having the paper might be among the few arrogant bastards that might think it does, but it is not true of all of us. And the new EE probably only has a bs degree, which only means he might know more than a guy off the street.


----------



## oldnovice

*This is the humor forum isn't it?*

It appears that many on this forum object to the words by *Forrest Gump* "stupid is as stupid does".


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> *This is the humor forum isn t it?*
> 
> It appears that many on this forum object to the words by *Forrest Gump* "stupid is as stupid does".
> 
> - oldnovice


It is humor ;-)) Lot of that stuff is funny in retrospect.

As a young journeyman I was trying to explain how transformers and grounding functioned to an EE rather than spend a lot of money digging up the street to get .5 amp of 120 volts to power a remote control panel. I finally gave up and mentioned he had better tell Bonneville Power Administration all transformers taking power up to transmission voltage and back down to utilization voltages bringing power from the dams to the city will not work. ;-))


----------



## DLK

The problem with humor is that sometimes it crosses the line to offensive. But it can't be helped it is being close to the line when its funny. You just got to be careful, know our audience and apologise … a lot. We used to say "F'em if they can't take a joke", but now that is offensive. So now we just end with LOL or ;-) .... LOL;-)


----------



## Dark_Lightning

A termite flies into a bar, lands and asks, "Hey where is the bartender?"


----------



## Redoak49

It is always interesting when these anti-college degree comments come up and people tell stories about the dumb guy with a college degree. Of course, this is always followed by this was just a joke. No, it was not a joke but a jab a people with college degrees. There are people in all groups that make stupid mistakes or are just not too smart.

One could, of course, write about the guys without the college degrees doing stupid things because they think they are smarter than the guy with a degree. I spent many years designing processes for making steel including a lot of specialty grades. These grades of steel required some careful practices and we carefully wrote procedures on how to make them. I had a new one of these special grades and wrote the procedure and made a heat with a crew to make certain that it worked properly. However, the next heat that was made was bad and we had to scrap over 100 tons of steel. The crew all said that they followed the procedure exactly. Unfortunately for them, we had video cameras everywhere and electronic sensors that captured everything that happens. After a review of these, it was clear that they did not follow the procedure. When this was discussed with them, they said that they did not think that it was important to exactly follow the procedure.

I could write an entire book of things like this. Or about the guys who did not think it was important to clean up after they worked up on a crane runway and left stuff up there that came down and almost killed a worker.

There is no group that does not have a few bad apples.


----------



## TheDane

Can we get back to the jokes now?


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Why are there fences around cemeteries?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Because people are dying to get in.


----------



## BurlyBob

Sorry I kicked the hornets nest.


----------



## patron

just your turn bob

i been cutting all my boards in half

looking for the termites someone let in


----------



## oldnovice

> There is no group that does not have a few bad apples.
> 
> - Redoak49


Almost everything follows the bell shaped curve whether it's baked bread, woodworking projects, intelligence or stupidity.


----------



## Grumpy

Hey guys, lets get back on track.
.


----------



## WoodES




----------



## Mike_in_STL

> - WoodES


Interesting concept of gravel…..


----------



## 280305

"MOTORCYCLES USE CAUTION"


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Maybe the first should go in the cabrona crazy thread…


----------



## oldnovice

Did someone remove my comet photo?
Well, here it is again and it won't be here again for another 6,800 years!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

^ Eagerly awaiting a repeat! :^D


----------



## Grumpy

Here's one from Andy.
.


----------



## WoodES

> Some disassembly required…
> 
> - WoodES
> 
> Interesting concept of gravel…..
> 
> - MikeinSTL


----------



## BurlyBob

That must be what they call gravel in Texas.


----------



## Grumpy

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. 
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce


----------



## Grumpy

Another from Andy.
.


----------



## oldnovice

That looks familiar if you vist *German* web sites and know *Angela Merkel*!


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## DLK

Today my wife had her phone plug into the car and text message came in from her friend Emily. I hit the screen button and the car voice system read the message and announced to us:

I have a vaginal infection. Do you want to reply?


----------



## BurlyBob

Tell Emily, TMI, seriously girl, TMI!!!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## smokie




----------



## Dark_Lightning

^Philistine! You put cognac on scrambled eggs! :^D


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## torus




----------



## Dark_Lightning

For post #4445-

"I'm going to send the dog in, if you don't come out!" 
<dog>
"Ow, he bit me!" 
"I TOLD you"


----------



## 280305

New flash from The Onion:


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> New flash from The Onion:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - ChuckV


It already seems like that long. :^D


----------



## HokieKen

From Chris Vesper's Instagram feed:


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

I just heard that an athlete was injured and taken in for xrays.
The xrays came back *negative* and all this time *I thought all xrays are negative*!


----------



## oldnovice

I don't believe this is going to get them very far, but I certainly wouldn't mind seeing the results of this endeavor!










Spass.net


----------



## torus

Correct procedure for storing cardboard box in the basement:

1. Wait until your wife asked 3 times to put cardboard box down to the basement.
2. Complain that the box is too big and it is plain dangerous.
3. Kick the box down the stairs and start screaming and crying.
(running down and laying next to the box is too much, don't do it!). 
4. Get spanked with dirty towel for the stupid joke.
5. Retreat to the workshop and have peaceful evening. Done!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/116042443_1190189958021986_7336523485765513552_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=gNk8BBp0_skAX-62hJ3&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=f0c5eb5be4dea21f023aed6283836f6f&oe=5F4CFB24


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/116042443_1190189958021986_7336523485765513552_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=gNk8BBp0_skAX-62hJ3&_nc_ht=scontent-sea1-1.xx&oh=f0c5eb5be4dea21f023aed6283836f6f&oe=5F4CFB24
> 
> - TopamaxSurvivor


:O Time to bite the dentist.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

I remember 2 girls at out 40th. One looked like she just stepped out of class. The other was a cheerleader and was always all dolled up. She had wrinkly, loose skin and looked to be about 80!


----------



## DS

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a few hours.
Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## Grumpy

>> A new and easy test for Covid - 19 is doing the rounds and it's
>> simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
>>
>>
>>
>> Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favourite whisky (gin or
>> rum) into it; then see if you can smell it, if you can then you are
>> halfway there: then drink it and if you can taste it then it is
>> reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.
>>
>>
>>
>> I tested myself 9 times last night and was virus free every time 
>> thank goodness.
>>
>> I will have to test myself again today though as I have developed a
>> headache which can also be one of the symptoms.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

Three guys in a mongrel pickup truck pull up in front of a lumber yard. The guy in the middle climbs through the missing rear window and approached the counter. He asked the clerk at the counter "We need sixty-five four by twos".

The clerk replied "You mean two by fours". The customer looked puzzled and said "Just a minute" and went back to the pick up.

A moment later the pick up truck passenger came in and up to the counter. He said "Yup, the two by fours will be OK". The clerk replied "OK, how long?" This guy was rattled too and said "Just a minute" and went back to the pick up truck.

Now the driver came in and approached the counter. The counter clerk asked again, "How long?". Without hesitation, the pick up driver said "Quite a while, we building a garage"!


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## oldnovice

In the back room of the pub, three clergymen were playing cards and having some refreshments. The Rabbi, Priest, and Pastor were in the back room because they didn't want their congregations to know that the head of their churches all had a vice.

After a few hands and some liquid refreshments, the door opened, officer Achmed walks in, put his arms across his chest, and says "Now, what in world do we have going on here?"

He walks over to the Priest and ask "father, were you playing cards?" 
The priest, with his rosary under the table, says, "no, officer I was not!"

Officers Achmed walks over to the rabbi, and ask "Rav, were you playing cards?" 
After a few moments of silence he says"no, officer I was not!"

Officer Achmed now approaches the pastor and ask, "reverend, were you paying cards?"
Without hesitation the pastor looks up and says "with whom?"


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Grumpy


lol, I had a video visit with my primary care physician last Tuesday, and he was talking about Covid-19 being the 19 pounds of weight many people have gained. Luckily, I have maintained my (still too large) weight. At least I haven't gained any more.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - Grumpy
> 
> lol, I had a video visit with my primary care physician last Tuesday, and he was talking about Covid-19 being the 19 pounds of weight many people have gained. Luckily, I have maintained my (still too large) weight. At least I haven t gained any more.
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


That is funny ;-))

I have maintained last time I checked too, but I'm afraid to check again ;-(

I was born with too much mass. One day a dr mentioned the ratio. I told him I would never get within specs. The guy that made up the chart obviously could not lift 100 pound over head with one hand ;-) Over 70, I can't anymore so I suppose that excuse is invalid, eh?


----------



## Grumpy

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.

He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.

One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:

- What do you think about the situation in the stock market?

The Director asks in turn arrogantly:

- Why are you so interested in that - that topic?

"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

- What your name? -Asks the Director.

- John Smith H.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:

- Do we have a client named John Smith H.?

- Certainly -answers the Customer Service Manager-, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:

- Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

- We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story:

- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.


----------



## MSquared

Aaah! The American Dream !!!


----------



## oldnovice

I have bad news for all the *Flat earthers*, if the earth was truly flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge!


----------



## 280305

> - Grumpy


----------



## DLK

^ that is hysterically funny. Well done.


----------



## TheDane

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

*Thoughts for Today*

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me that it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

We all think of the colors red, white and blue as meaning "freedom", until we see them in the mirror.


----------



## mel52

TheDane-Now those are good. A lot of them describe me pretty well. Thanks for the laughs. Mel


----------



## Mike_in_STL

That list is a killer. I laughed at most of them.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## dv8eod

As a new member of this forum looking for project ideas, I stumbled across this thread and have spent (I'm ashamed to admit) most of my time reading all of the jokes posted. Out of all of them, this one didn't seem to be a joke. Then I read the poster's quote and it all became clear. I nearly fell out of my chair. I also had a sudden urge to buy a bar and test the theory. This was the best one for me. Thank you.



> *This is different!*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> -"It's fine in practise but it will never work in theory"
> - oldnovice


----------



## Dark_Lightning

That is too funny, and it might be funnier (or arouse some ire), if one of those gals was using a jeweler's loupe. Maybe that pic should be on the inside of a stall door, where the squatting goes on. lol


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## dv8eod

A guy walks into a New Orleans bar and says
"Bartender, I'll have a Corona and 2 hurricanes." 
Bartender says "That'll be $20.20"


----------



## dv8eod

American History Review circa 2020:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry,

1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Who cares about the Japs?"

"Who said that? I want to know right now!" ...she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Bite this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little brat! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh Man, we're in trouble now!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American public if (Place your hated person here) gets elected."


----------



## dv8eod

I never meant to imply you were stupid…. 
When I asked you spell Orange and you answered "The color or the fruit?" I just got startled…


----------



## dv8eod

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he'd just received that morning from his mom.

As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post.

Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.

Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one."


----------



## Bonka




----------



## oldnovice

With the upcoming election, do you feel like I do?


----------



## rad457




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> With the upcoming election, do you feel like I do?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - oldnovice


Absoutely!!!!! ;-((


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

It's a five minute walk from my house to the local pub, but a fifty minute walk back.

The difference is staggering


----------



## oldnovice

A woman walks into the library and says to the librarian:

"I borrowed a book from you last week. It was the most boring thing I've ever read. The story was weak and there were way too many people in it!"

The librarian smiles and says, "Oh, then you must have been the person who took the phone book …...... "


----------



## oldnovice

"Doctor, my pacemaker is not working properly!" 
"And how do you notice that?"

"Whenever I cough, the garage door opens …...."


----------



## HokieKen

> A woman walks into the library and says to the librarian:
> 
> "I borrowed a book from you last week. It was the most boring thing I ve ever read. The story was weak and there were way too many people in it!"
> 
> The librarian smiles and says, "Oh, then you must have been the person who took the phone book …...... "
> 
> - oldnovice


What's a library? Or a phone book?

(JK, I am old enough to be intimately familiar with both ;-p)


----------



## craftsman on the lake

How Long is a Chinaman.

I always remembered this as being more clever than funny.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> How Long is a Chinaman.
> 
> I always remembered this as being more clever than funny.
> 
> - Craftsman on the lake


I heard it as "How Long is a Chinaman's name". Everyone stood around and wondered.


----------



## dv8eod

Snoring Cure

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed…

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.

The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

"I don't know where we were … or what we did … but, by God .

We took FIRST and SECOND place


----------



## 280305

The musical form of the above joke!


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor




----------



## oldnovice




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - TopamaxSurvivor


lol, and it isn't a GFCI outlet either!


----------



## DLK

I thought that was the joke! What did I miss? LOL


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - TheDane


As the late great Paul Harvey would say, "And that's the way it is September 24, 2020." ;-))


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## bladedust

Hey Watsonbuys,

I am mortgage banker and have been for the past 20 years; as such, I have seen many, many slimy realtor tactics, but you sir, take the cake…...this type of tactic is precisely why realtors have such a bad reputation!


----------



## DLK

^ FYI I marked the Watsonbuys post as spam. It is gone now. I hope he/they are banned.


----------



## LeeRoyMan

> Hey Watsonbuys,
> 
> I am mortgage banker and have been for the past 20 years; as such, I have seen many, many slimy realtor tactics, but you sir, take the cake…...this type of tactic is precisely why realtors have such a bad reputation!
> 
> - bladedust


Yeah, that was pretty low.


----------



## dv8eod

An Obituary printed in the London Times

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.


----------



## dv8eod

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "perturbed Off" to "Let's get the ^(^^%$#^." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short…
-
Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men.


----------



## dv8eod

A soldier and a sailor were in a restroom relieving themselves at a urinal. The soldier finished up and after fixing his uniform, started for the door.
The sailor pipes up, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands after we do our business." 
Without missing a step, the soldier replied, "In the Army, they teach us not to do our business on our hands."

It's kinda hard to dress up the language to make it appropriate for mixed audiences, so feel free to substitute shorter words where necessary….


----------



## dv8eod

The Missing Wife

A man's wife had gone out shopping and hadn't returned by dinner time. Concerned, he contacted the local law enforcement to file a report.

Officer: Sir, do you know what time she left?
Man: Not really. I was fixing things around the house when she left.

Officer: Ok. Do you know where she was going?
Man: Unfortunately I don't. She just said shopping.

Officer: Do you know how tall she is?
Man: Between 5ft and 5ft 6in. I believe.

Officer: About how much does she weigh?
Man: Around 120 to 140?

Officer: Hair color?
Man: A brownish, reddish color.

Officer: Eyes?
Man: I never really paid attention. Sorry.

Officer: How about what she was wearing?
Man: A blue dress… or skirt. Maybe shorts?

Officer: What about her top?
Man: Honestly, I don't know.

Officer: Ok. What about what she was driving?
Man: Oh, she took my truck. It's a Dodge 1500, midnight blue flecked two tone with white racing lines. V8, twin pipes, leather seats, full size bed, chrome running boards, 6 speed manual transmission, 6 inch lift kit, KC fog lights, 17 inch Firestone grabbers, chromoly heavy duty rims, a small dent on the rear left quarter panel and a slight crack in the taillight…...

The man slowly sputters to a stop and starts sobbing. The officer says in his most comforting voice, "Don't worry, sir. We''ll find your truck."


----------



## dv8eod

How many internet forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's lightbulb or light bulb … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add Me too
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didn't we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
1 mod to lock it down after it goes off-track for the nth time…


----------



## dv8eod

The husband was in the kitchen killing flies when his wife walks in. She asked did you get any? He answers yes 3 males and 2 females . She says how can you tell the difference . Well he says the 3 males were on the beer can and the 2 females were on the phone.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> An Obituary printed in the London Times
> 
> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
> been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
> birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
> remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
> 
> - Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
> 
> - Why the early bird gets the worm;
> 
> - Life isn t always fair;
> 
> - and maybe it was my fault.
> 
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don t spend more
> than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
> charge).
> 
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
> charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
> school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
> an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
> 
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
> that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
> 
> It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
> to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
> parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
> 
> Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
> criminals received better treatment than their victims.
> 
> Common Sense took a beating when you couldn t defend yourself from a
> burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
> 
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
> lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
> 
> Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
> wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
> 
> He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
> 
> I Know My Rights
> 
> I Want It Now
> 
> Someone Else Is To Blame
> 
> I m A Victim
> 
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
> still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
> 
> - dv8eod


That's no joke ;-))


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## Bonka




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Senior Drivers No Longer Need Drivers License

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late
model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his
front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her
down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am
now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"

That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and
asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. 
He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and
threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore'.
So I thanked him and left!"

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."


----------



## dv8eod

Are Computers Male or Female?

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The French teacher wasn't sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy

An Aussie Poem
.
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock. 
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank. 
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out. 
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam 
He caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly 
stuffed..

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car 
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## Bonka

It sure does.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## dv8eod

Home Mechanics Tools and their usage:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc…."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2×16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


----------



## patron




----------



## BurlyBob

That's a good one David.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## patron




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## rad457

See the New Silver Dollar has been issued


----------



## oldnovice

I know this is the joke forum and this is a real good joke!
That's *not real*, it's *only a commemorative* coin!

Here is where you can waste your money on this coin!


----------



## bigblockyeti

^ I read what you wrote too fast and thought it said communist coin. The first thing that came to my mind was; wait, that can't be until next year at the earliest.


----------



## DanKrager

Beech tree. Now I know where to find them.










DanK


----------



## nailerguy

Zuckerberg is the owner of YouTube.


----------



## oldnovice

> Zuckerberg is the owner of YouTube.
> 
> - nailerguy


I hate to correct you but ….!

Zuckerberg is the *CEO* of Facebook and *not* the owner of Facebook or YouTube!

YouTube is currently owned by Google!
In 2006 Google bought YouTube from Chad Hurley, Steve Chen, and Jawed Karim the creators YouTube and former PayPal employees.


----------



## miketo

Why let a perfectly good fact disrupt erroneous belief?


----------



## TheDane

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these? These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.


----------



## BurlyBob

Yeah Gerry I remember those days and I miss the simple honesty of true values. It's a changing world, none for the better!


----------



## Bonka




----------



## oldnovice

*Red Skelton* was special, extremely funny as were many of his contemporaries, most of whom did not resort to foul language or crass humor.


----------



## Bonka

Commedian Alan King, several years ago, had a special on TV about Jewish humor. The main point was it was never dirty.


----------



## DanKrager

Happy Thanksgiving!
DanK


----------



## KentInOttawa

Thanks, Dan. You just made my day.


----------



## dv8eod

The couple next door had a fire in their home.
The firefighters told them that the fire in the house was caused by arson.
The neighbors told me
"The spooky thing is, We don't have children!"


----------



## dv8eod

Joe takes his friend Steve hunting for the first time, and reminds him to be still and keep quiet. 
An hour into the woods, Joe hears Steve screaming behind him! 
"I thought I told you to be quiet!" says Joe.
" Hey, I kept quiet when the snake bit me," says Steve, 
"and I was quiet when the fox attacked me, but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg just now!
I heard one ask the other,
"Should we eat them now or take them with us?'"


----------



## dv8eod

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas. His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'seven points, it's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score…'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife soon rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Soon she squeezes another little one out, a squeaker, and proudly announces, 'Field goal, I'm ahead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on for the old man and he refuses to accept defeat. 
Giving it everything he's got he strains and accidentally poops the bed.

The wife says, 'Now what was that?'

The old man says, "Half time, time to switch sides"


----------



## dv8eod

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce! Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, " Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce! About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, farts, then says, "Broccoli…............49 cents a pound."


----------



## dv8eod

A bear is chasing a bunny when all of a sudden a genie appears and grants them each three wishes. 
The bear, being very selfish, wishes that all the bears in his forest were female and instantly it is done. 
Then the bunny wishes he had a lifetime supply of carrots in his backyard. 
For his next turn, the bear wishes that all the other bears in his entire nation were female. 
The bunny wishes for a motorcycle. 
Finally on the last wish, the bear wishes that all the other bears on the whole earth were female. 
The bunny wishes that the bear was gay and rides home on his motorcycle.


----------



## dv8eod

Did you know there is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher then the average house due to its powerful hind legs?Researchers attribute that to the fact that the average house can't jump.


----------



## dv8eod

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. 
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. 
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. 
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, 
"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 
"So?," asked the duck's former owner, 
"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"


----------



## dv8eod

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. 
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. 
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open! 
She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open! Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: 
"Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."


----------



## dv8eod

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" 
The bartender considers it, then agrees. 
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. 
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. 
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. 
The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away. 
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" 
The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. 
The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. 
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. 
The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. 
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. 
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." 
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. 
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale." 
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. 
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. 
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. 
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" 
"Don't worry about it," the man answered. 
"The frog was nothing special. 
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."


----------



## dv8eod

I shot my first turkey today.
It was awesome.

Scared the &^^& out of everyone in the frozen food section.


----------



## dv8eod

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with
a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked
over to the sign, looked at it, and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the
dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped
up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire
you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went
to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out
the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped
back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign
says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent
dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you
the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw
on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The
manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."


----------



## dv8eod

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


----------



## mel52

ALL very funny, thanks for sharing. My wife has a few outdoor cats, found the one with the slamming door extra funny. Mel


----------



## 280305

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting next to each other at a dinner party.

One of them said, "My wife and I had dinner at a new restaurant last week."

"Oh, what is it called?" asked the other.

"Um…I can't remember. What is the name of that flower that you buy on romantic occasions? You know, it usually comes by the dozen, you can get it in different colors, there are thorns on the stem?"

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He leans across the table to where his wife is sitting and asks her, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## TheDane

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?"


----------



## 23tony

> ^Philistine! You put cognac on scrambled eggs! :^D
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


Unless they're SCOTCH eggs!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> ^Philistine! You put cognac on scrambled eggs! :^D
> 
> - Dark_Lightning
> 
> Unless they re SCOTCH eggs!
> 
> - 23tony


lol


----------



## Bonka




----------



## dv8eod

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. 
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. 
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." 
With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" 
As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" 
She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. 
The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. 
Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" 
The other answers, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."


----------



## dv8eod

This is the last time I build a SnowMan!

I built a snowman.
A women's libber comes by and complains there's no snowwoman.
So I built a SnowWoman.

Nursery teacher walks by and complains about the indicated breasts of the Snowwoman.

The gay man from vis-à-vis says there should be two snowmen.

The vegan from over the street is angry about the waste of root vegetables.

Someone calls me a racist because the snow is white.

Fatma from around the corner demands a headscarf for the Snowwomen.

Police arrives and closely watches the scenario.
The SWAT arrives because the broomstick could be used as a blunt weapon.

ISIS claims responsibility.

My mobile phone is being seized and checked while i am blindfolded and transported to the Federal Prosecutor General via helicopter.

The regulatory agency steps up and demands $1000 fine because Snowmen and Snowwomen do not wear masks and for not keeping minimum contact distance.

The snow melts and i am being accused of destroying evidence.


----------



## dv8eod

Samantha, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you… if its still okay…"

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that question all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, no… that's not it at all," Samantha confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."


----------



## dv8eod

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league day, he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.

After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries. He saw a beautiful Blonde women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?"

"Sure," she replied.

He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?"

"No problem," she replied.

When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving."

To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."


----------



## dv8eod

Golf got its name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.


----------



## Mike_in_STL

Golf is just flog backwards. 18 holes the way I play is just flogging the course.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Mike_in_STL

Good ol' Calvin and Hobbes, I have all the books.


----------



## Grumpy

A guy comes home completely drunk one night, he lurches through the door 
and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

'Where the hell have you been all night?' she demands.
'At this fantastic new bar,' he says. 'The Golden Saloon, everything there is golden. 
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!'

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, 
finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.

She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
'Is this the Golden Saloon?' she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

'Yes it is,' bartender answers.
'Do you have huge golden doors?'
'Sure do.' 'Do you have golden floors?'
'Most certainly do.'
'What about golden urinals?'

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
'Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!'


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

A guy I worked with 40 years ago used the closet in the bedroom when he was drunk. His wife was scowling and most definitely not happy.


----------



## DLK

Hey *Grumpy* where di you come across the the golden urinal joke? It is one my wife used to tell when we first married some 40 years ago.


----------



## bigblockyeti

2021 is going to be a great year!


----------



## 987Ron

> 2021 is going to be a great year!
> 
> - bigblockyeti


I hope this is not a joke.


----------



## Grumpy

Bob, I can relate to the closet urinal. Been there done that.


----------



## Grumpy

Don, it just came in as an email. Don't know the source.


----------



## Grumpy




----------



## TheDane

Here's something to think about.

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am eighty one)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her,

'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said…......

She looked at me and said 'Then, why do you even give a $#!t ?'


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Reports are coming from the Sun that 2020 is threatening to stay on for another year. This would require that Earth stop orbiting for another year, but there is apparently nothing in the Constitution that would prevent this. 2020 has already reached out to Jupiter and Saturn to exert more gravitational force and hold Earth in its place, and they are having a very close meeting right now to discuss the proposal. The Sun is perplexed, as it has never faced this situation in its 4.603 billion years. It has convened a counsel of its closest advisors - Mercury and Venus - but no one is sure what to do. 2021 is waiting its turn just a few million miles away, but 2020, in typical fashion, has told it to kiss off. The outer planets are fine with the proposal, as they never liked those warmer planets anyway and would like to screw them up any way possible. In a recent tweet, 2020 said "The Laws of Nature are Rigged!! Not Fair! Fight for another year!"

The Moon and Mars have not stated their positions yet, but the Asteroid Belt is said to be passing out 2020 flags, sporting the logo "Make the Solar System do 2020 Again". They plan threatening flybys for any 2021 supporters.


----------



## Grumpy

An old drover (cowboy) walks into the barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, Northern Territory Australia and asks for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years but, he asked "Isn't it a bit dangerous? what would happen if I accidentally swallowed it?
The barber replied, "No sweat mate, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."


----------



## BurlyBob

Now that's a good one. I don't care where your from.


----------



## GR8HUNTER

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women (I'm sorry….. but our PC society demands I change this to: "women of size.") talking at the bar. They all spoke with a heavy brogue accent.
I made an unfortunate assumption that their accents appeared to be Scottish…. so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" 
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales…. you bloody idiot!" 
So I immediately apologized…. and replied, "I am so sorry! Are you three whales from Scotland?" 
And that's the last thing I remember. :<))


----------



## GR8HUNTER




----------



## TheDane

*Merry Christmas 2020 …*


----------



## rad457

LOL! That's my message to 2020!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## Grumpy




----------



## patron

MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE

This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache…

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAME If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild man.

EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.

MONEY. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

So true!


----------



## tomsteve




----------



## TheDane




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor




----------



## tomsteve

im not confident in saying hapopy new year this year.
buuuuut….


----------



## LetsMakeALoft

Haaaaaaa! Please keep them coming boys


----------



## patron




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - patron


That is for sure! ;-))


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## Dark_Lightning

Naked chicks with guns.


----------



## tomsteve




----------



## DanKrager

A beautiful young lady was feeling cute and frisky, so she decided to dress up and go "fishing" at one of the local establishments. After a few drinks this exceptionally handsome well built, almost god-like man came in alone and ordered a drink. After sizing him up for some time, she started flirting with him. Well, one thing led to another and while the night was still young they found themselves so enamored with each other that she insisted that they go to her place for the rest of the night. So they did, and made extraordinarily passionate love again and again until they where exhausted and fell asleep. It was mid morning when she woke up and found this very handsome man just beginning to stir. With no regrets she snuggled up close to him for a bit until he got up and stretched. She was afraid he would leave and she didn't even know his name, so she quickly asked. Stretching mightily again he said "I am THOR!" She responded, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

DanK


----------



## torus




----------



## TheDane

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.. I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'


----------



## BurlyBob

That's a good one Gerry.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

Edit: wrong thread, moved


----------



## dv8eod

Everyone can use a little "grammar" update now and then, so here's yours for today…

Is it "complete", "finished", or "completely finished"?
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these
two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best
in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing
ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference
between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong
woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!


----------



## dv8eod

I was finishing my lunch at a local restaurant when a waitress screamed does anyone know CPR?
I yelled out, heck, I know the WHOLE alphabet A-Z.

We all laughed and laughed, except for one guy…


----------



## dv8eod

I got a PlayStation 5 for my brother.
Best trade ever.

What do you get if you mix a horse with a cat?
A very strange-tasting smoothie, and a traumatizing experience for everyone
involved.

I broke my finger today.
On the other hand, I am okay.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his
eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat. So we've been
spending most the year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running
at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.


----------



## dv8eod

I never thought I would be the kind of person to wake up early and exercise.
Turns out I was right.

I found an exercise that I can do everyday!
I call it Diddly-squats
Every day, I do diddly squat.

Where do cow farts come from?
The Dairy Aire

We have a serious coin shortage
America is running out of common cents.

I asked an undertaker if he thought the all glass coffins he had would catch on,
He said remains to be seen.


----------



## dv8eod

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7' grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He ran faster, then… he tripped and fell.

Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him, reaching towards him with it's left paw and raising the right paw to strike.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh, my God!"

Time Stopped… The bear froze… The forest was silent…

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky …

"You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident! Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I now to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

After a seemingly long pause, God says, "Very well."

The light went out & the sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right arm, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke,

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."


----------



## bigblockyeti

I'm finished working on my shed today but it is not yet complete. I completed my meal and now I feel finished. The first amendment of the US constitution was completed over 200 years ago, now it's finished.


----------



## newwoodbutcher

Fart football, priceless. I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you


----------



## oldnovice

Went to the store looking for paper towels, I was a Bounty hunter?

Paper towels, what a rip off!


----------



## TheDane

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It's weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God's way of telling us He likes us a little bit chubby.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? 
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don't sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway and that's how the fight started.

During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends.

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, 'Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?'

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread, and going for long walks and the next day you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don't even like.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

A t what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: "That's a load of 2020." or "What in the 2020." or "abso-2020-lutely."

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it


----------



## TheDane

Smart Aleck ANSWER #5

It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 
'What are my choices?' John asked. 
'Yes or no,' she replied.

Smart Aleck ANSWER #4

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. 
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

Smart Aleck ANSWER #3

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' 
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead…'

Smart Aleck ANSWER #2

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. 
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' 
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Aleck ANSWER #1

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' 
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


----------



## 987Ron

Was sent this today:
*Seeing how many people wear a mask
explains why contraception devices
often fail(*


----------



## DLK

> During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends.
> 
> - TheDane


After the last pandemic we had the roaring 20s I suppose we could do that again!


----------



## bigblockyeti

> During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends.
> 
> - TheDane
> 
> After the last pandemic we had the roaring 20s I suppose we could do that again!
> 
> - Combo Prof


Followed by the great depression, though I doubt we'll have to wait until 2029 for that, my bet is between September and November of this year.


----------



## dv8eod

> During the middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends.
> 
> - TheDane
> 
> After the last pandemic we had the roaring 20s I suppose we could do that again!
> 
> - Combo Prof
> 
> Followed by the great depression, though I doubt we ll have to wait until 2029 for that, my bet is between September and November of this year.
> 
> - bigblockyeti


That's just plain funny right there!


----------



## DLK




----------



## TheDane

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"


----------



## TheDane




----------



## 987Ron

Beware of dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


----------



## TheDane




----------



## BurlyBob

I wish I had thought of that one back in the day. Sure could have used it a time or three.


----------



## DS

A Priest, a rabbit and a Monk walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect."


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> A Priest, a rabbit and a Monk walk into a bar.
> The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
> The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of autocorrect."
> 
> - DS


;-)) Articical intelligence at its best .


----------



## bigblockyeti

This would have been more appropriate two or more weeks ago:

A friend of mine has 2 tickets to the 2021 Super Bowl in Tampa, both box seats. He paid $21,500 each. They come with a ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, and a $400 bar tab. Also, backstage pass to the winner's locker room. He didn't realize when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place. It's at St. Paul's Church in Orlando at 3 pm. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 lbs, and a good cook, too. She loves to fish and hunt. She'll be the one in the white dress.


----------



## DLK

.... and has truck and boat.


----------



## torus

> .... and has truck and boat.
> 
> - Combo Prof


Hmm… This could outweigh the slaughter we saw last Sunday


----------



## DanKrager

After her husband's funeral, a widow was consoled by a friend. "You must feel so much better now that he can't abuse you anymore." "Well, I feel better not because he's gone since he threatened to claw his way out of the coffin and come after me for the rest of my life, but because I had him buried upside down and he'll dig his way to China before he stops to ask directions."

Happy Valentine's day!

DanK


----------



## dv8eod

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!

Pass this on so others don't get scammed.


----------



## dv8eod

I think it is just terrible and disgusting

how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved,

winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.


----------



## dv8eod

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore…..

A friend of mine was wearing one

when he was shot by the woman's husband.


----------



## dv8eod

If you hate speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

Library Notice-The post apocalyptical fiction section has been moved to current events.

Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X. She is not coming back and don't ask Y.

Adam & Eve were the first to Violate Apple terms and conditions.

Shop Local because Amazon won't sponsor you kids ball team.

My mind is like an internet browser.
19 tabs are open,
3 of them are frozen, 
and I have no idea where the music is coming from.


----------



## dv8eod

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price-the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500; they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the gunshot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.


----------



## BurlyBob

Loved them all. so very true.


----------



## dv8eod

A Pastor decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in Church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The Pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The Pastor hollered out "GRACE." 
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the Church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".


----------



## dv8eod

A seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to
play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously asked. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance
company."


----------



## dv8eod

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others; I need to go to the bathroom


----------



## dv8eod

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Why do Russian policemen always travel in pairs?
The authorities require one who can read your papers, and a second to keep an eye on this dangerous intellectual!

Teacher: "If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vincent: "One dollar."
Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."
Vincent: "You don't know my father."


----------



## dv8eod

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. 
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.
"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife.
"Just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh yeah?" snarled his wife, "In whose profession? Yours or hers?"


----------



## dv8eod

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your friggin cat."


----------



## rad457




----------



## Dark_Lightning

Covid gives humor in some ways.


----------



## BurlyBob

That's a good one Steven and so true.


----------



## TheDane

Just killin' time….

A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he saw a couple in a car in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approached the car to get a closer look. Then he saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately noticed a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walked to the car and gently rapped on the driver's window. The young man lowered his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop asked, "What are you doing?" The young man said, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer asked, "And, her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugged, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

He asked, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man said, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asked, "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looked at his watch and replied, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


----------



## torus

Snow storm? Lost electricity? Just connect directly to the pole…


----------



## TheDane

Do you know what this is?








Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit
(1750s - 1810s).

The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient's rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.

A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.

Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase "blowing smoke up your a**."

As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by government today.


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Do you know what this is?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit
> (1750s - 1810s).
> 
> The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient's rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.
> 
> A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.
> 
> Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase "blowing smoke up your a**."
> 
> As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by government today.
> 
> - TheDane


That's a good ;-))


----------



## rad457

Nancy Pelosi met with the Queen of England. She asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Pelosi frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy: you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"

Boris Johnson walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Boris, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Boris answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! very good," said the Queen. Pelosi went back home to ask Joe Biden, the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or you sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"Biden smiled , and said, "Thanks!"

Then he went back to speak with Pelosi. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle….. It's Sarah Palin."

Pelosi got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face. "No you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"

AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING TO BE GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE.


----------



## bigblockyeti

> AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING TO BE GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
> 
> - Andre


Going to be, as in future tense?


----------



## rad457

> AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING TO BE GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
> 
> - Andre
> 
> Going to be, as in future tense?
> 
> - bigblockyeti


Past, Present, Future, Time line is relative


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Nancy Pelosi met with the Queen of England. She asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
> 
> "Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
> 
> Pelosi frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy: you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?"
> 
> Boris Johnson walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
> 
> The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Boris, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
> Without pausing for a moment, Boris answered, "That would be me."
> 
> "Yes! very good," said the Queen. Pelosi went back home to ask Joe Biden, the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
> 
> Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or you sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"Biden smiled , and said, "Thanks!"
> 
> Then he went back to speak with Pelosi. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle….. It s Sarah Palin."
> 
> Pelosi got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face. "No you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
> 
> AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING TO BE GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
> 
> - Andre


 Better than the insanity that preceded it.


----------



## jerryminer

Glad we're not getting political here….(yes, that's sarcasm)


----------



## rad457

> Glad we're not getting political here….(yes, that's sarcasm)
> 
> - jerryminer


LOL! All Politics is a joke! An the people who believe a politician are the one the joke is on
At least here in Canada we have a Professional trained Comedian as a Figurehead!


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Bonka




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## Dark_Lightning

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. Turns out he's a web designer.


----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## TheDane

89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## Redoak49

Too dangerous to show the Kangaroo one to the wife.


----------



## miketo

Married men are less afraid of death than single men. Coincidence?


----------



## rad457

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time the young man said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."


----------



## Bonka

One dark and stormy night a sleeping couple was awakened by a loud pounding on the front door. The husband donned robe and answered the door. An unkept weaving gent stood before him. The husband asked him, "What do you want?" The man replied, "I need a push.?" The husband replied, "I am not going out at this time of night in this weather to help a drunk out." He then slammed the door and went back to the bedroom. His wife asked, "What was that all about?" Her spouse told her what had happened. She replied, "Don't you remember when we were in the same situation and a nice man helped us?" 
He said, "Yeah your right." He went back and opened the door and yelled into the night, "Are you still there?" "Yes," came the reply from afar. "Where are you?" The man asked. '' Over here in the swing" came the reply.


----------



## rad457




----------



## Dark_Lightning

8^D That's sure a mess, over there.


----------



## DS

I was wondering why my Ginsu knives were taking so long to get here…


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## DLK

Aha the terrifying Canadian Goose-Moose even more feared than the Jackalope:


----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## BurlyBob

Andre both of those are great and so very true.


----------



## rad457

> Andre both of those are great and so very true.
> 
> - BurlyBob


Wife and Daughter Teachers did not find it humorous? Kinda Thunk dey dun give up tryin to Learn me Sumthing


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - Andre


Dunningn Kruger Effect properly illustrated ;-))


----------



## rad457

*Dunningn Kruger Effect properly illustrated ;-))*
Sorta like that time I thought I made a Mistake only to realize that was my mistake?


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> *Dunningn Kruger Effect properly illustrated ;-))*
> Sorta like that time I thought I made a Mistake only to realize that was my mistake?
> 
> - Andre


That pretty well sums it up.


----------



## BurlyBob

Andre where can I get a poster like that, or even a photo? I want one in my shop for all those puss heads that show up and annoy me.


----------



## KentInOttawa

> - Andre


That's mostly accurate; it needs a slice for "The ******************** you think you know but don't".


----------



## BurlyBob

Damn, Kent that is so true. Just look around all the experts, expounding on all the things they've only read about but have not lived. Your words are so true. Good on You!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> - Andre
> That s mostly accurate; it needs a slice for "The ******************** you think you know but don t".
> 
> - Kent


Most think they know the biggest part that they don't know. That is the basis of the Dunning Kruger Effect. Most think they know it all but know nothing, a few are in the middle, and those who do know underestimate their knowledge by 25% and are always verifying facts.

Edit: I probably should have not mentioned that. It ain't no joke ;-((


----------



## miketo

"Often wrong, never uncertain."-Dunning-Kruger


----------



## Dark_Lightning

I recently told a seven year old child that I didn't believe in reincarnation. He said, "Neither did I, when I was your age."


----------



## KentInOttawa

> I recently told a seven year old child that I didn't believe in reincarnation. He said, "Neither did I, when I was your age."
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


 Brat! :-D


----------



## DLK

I would tell the 7 year old, "When I was you age I was 10" (or 5 whichever you think is funnier).


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## TheDane

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so… I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bull********************ter. He's never been out of the yard!"


----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, I've seen this joke before. It never gets old and is always a good story. Thanks, I've need a good laugh tonight. I've had a bad couple of days. You've brighten my life. Thank you.


----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## TheDane

Sometime this year, American taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China …


If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala …


If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .


If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .


If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.


----------



## Letmero

An elephant drinking from a stream spots a tortoise lounging on the shore. He grabs it with his trunk and flings it into the jungle. A passing zebra asks, "Why…


----------



## rad457




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Bonka

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the

blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

She just paid the bill and left!!!


----------



## DLK

Sounds like Bass pro-shop overpriced "crap".


----------



## rad457




----------



## Dark_Lightning

I thought that this was a family site.


----------



## Gene01

It is. That's my BIL.


----------



## miketo

Unless you live in a Hallmark card, families are definitely overrated.


----------



## TheDane

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."


----------



## BurlyBob

Good one Gerry. I sure miss my best friends!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## rad457




----------



## bigblockyeti

The added benefit of car manuals 50 years ago is if someone did drink the contents of a battery, no one had to worry about them reproducing!


----------



## TheDane

(Not a 'joke', but interesting anyway)

FORD History and BBQ

On June 16, 1903, the Ford Motor Company was established. Henry Ford was the founder. This was not his first venture, as he had previously operated the Henry Ford Company. He left that company and took his name with him. What became of the Henry Ford Company? They became known as the Cadillac Motor Company.

What does any of this have to do with a BBQ grill?

Ford's Model T, which would number in the millions sold, required 100 board feet of wood to build. Ford despised waste. His motto was, "Reduce, reuse, and recycle." He was also a nature-lover, an environmentalist of his time. His escape from the stress of life was camping in the great outdoors.

Frustrated by the mountains of sawdust his lumber mills created, he and his partners sought a way to utilize the scrap wood and sawdust into a useful (and profitable) product.

An idea came to him one day as he was camped with some friends in the wilds of Michigan . After his party spent a long time collecting sufficient wood for a campfire, an idea spring in Ford's mind. Upon returning back to the lumber mill, he shared the idea with some of his partners and set to work on it.

The idea? Lumping a fistful of sawdust and cornstarch with a bit of tar to form a briquette. After charring it, it performed exactly what Ford imagined it would. He then built a charcoal briquette factory adjacent to his lumber mill where the waste from one became the fuel for the other.

A new Model T was now frequently sold with a bonus bag of Ford Charcoal Briquettes, so you could drive into the woods to camp and not worry about finding campfire wood.

So now you know. Ford not only created the modern automobile industry which takes millions to work and back each workday, but he also created the weekend grilling and camping industries.

In 1951, the Ford Charcoal Briquette Company was sold. The new company was named after Ford's real estate partner who helped him find the land to supply wood for building the early Ford automobiles- E.J. Kingsford.

Kingsford Charcoal is the largest producer of charcoal briquettes in the world.


----------



## 987Ron

As an employee of the Maremont Corp. the following was related to me by one of our execs

Maremont Corporation started as a blacksmith shop in Chicago. They advanced into building leaf springs for Conestoga Wagons going west. They later supplied leaf springs to the Ford Motor Company. Ford required the leaf springs be shipped in wooden boxes of a certain size. Evidently once the springs reached Ford and removed from the boxes, the boxes had the ends cut off and the planks remaining became the floorboards for Ford cars. 
Maremont later became a major producer of automotive exhaust and acquired Gabriel Shocks. Both plants proudly few the Ford Q-1 flag in front of the plants. The Q-1 flag was given to companies with zero defective products supplied to Ford.

Meshes a bit with your story of the use and conservation of wood by Ford.


----------



## TheDane

> Evidently once the springs reached Ford and removed from the boxes, the boxes had the ends cut off and the planks remaining became the floorboards for Ford cars.


Same was true at the Ford plant in Des Moines, Iowa. The factory was next to a rail spur (lower shipping costs) and Ford specified the dimensions of the boxes used to ship parts to the factory so they would have the appropriate dimensions for the floorboards when the boxes were cut. Waste not, want not!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> (Not a joke , but interesting anyway)
> 
> FORD History and BBQ
> 
> Frustrated by the mountains of sawdust his lumber mills created, he and his partners sought a way to utilize the scrap wood and sawdust into a useful (and profitable) product.
> 
> An idea came to him one day as he was camped with some friends in the wilds of Michigan . After his party spent a long time collecting sufficient wood for a campfire, an idea spring in Ford's mind. Upon returning back to the lumber mill, he shared the idea with some of his partners and set to work on it.
> 
> The idea? Lumping a fistful of sawdust and cornstarch with a bit of tar to form a briquette. After charring it, it performed exactly what Ford imagined it would. He then built a charcoal briquette factory adjacent to his lumber mill where the waste from one became the fuel for the other.
> 
> A new Model T was now frequently sold with a bonus bag of Ford Charcoal Briquettes, so you could drive into the woods to camp and not worry about finding campfire wood.
> 
> So now you know. Ford not only created the modern automobile industry which takes millions to work and back each workday, but he also created the weekend grilling and camping industries.
> 
> - TheDane


That reusing waste reminds me of a wood plant I wired a lot of controls for. They were using the chip and dust collection system to heat the plant. I pointed out to the engineer the system needed some redundancy built in to stop the fire from getting into the dust collection system under certain circumstances. He would not agree there was a risk and did not approve the change order. 6 months later the fire department saved the plant ;-)


----------



## TheDane




----------



## pottz

for those that arn't yet aware grumpy has sadly passed away. a sad day for lumber jocks.


----------



## torus

I am out of words…. He will be remembered….


----------



## DanKrager

Was not aware. Thank you for the "update". Yes, he will be missed.

DanK


----------



## BurlyBob

It was very sad news this morning. He will greatly be missed by us all.


----------



## DLK

Wow!


----------



## anthm27

> for those that arn t yet aware grumpy has sadly passed away. a sad day for lumber jocks.
> 
> - pottz


Yes, indeed tragic news, 
Tonys son wrote a blog this morning,
This is the LINK
https://www.lumberjocks.com/Grumpy/blog/132505


----------



## Dark_Lightning

I mentioned to Grumpy about how many of his threads that he started (like this one) were some of the most-posted-in. He really was a good guy, with a great sense of humor.


----------



## anthm27

> I mentioned to Grumpy about how many of his threads that he started (like this one) were some of the most-posted-in. He really was a good guy, with a great sense of humor.
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


Interesting you bring that up. 
all morning I, ve been trying to find Grumpys forum about unusual trees, it was massive and from memory went on for over a decade. Does anybody know what happened to it?? was it pulled down??


----------



## 280305

> Interesting you bring that up.
> all morning I, ve been trying to find Grumpys forum about unusual trees, it was massive and from memory went on for over a decade. Does anybody know what happened to it?? was it pulled down??
> 
> - anthm27


Started in 2008:
https://www.lumberjocks.com/topics/4890


----------



## torus

I am sure this one and Interesting Trees thread will be continued!


----------



## anthm27

Excellent got it,


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

RIP Grumpy. We have been diminished ;-(


----------



## DanKrager

Would it be inappropriate to post a few in honor of Grumpy?

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Deja Moo: the feeling that you've hear this bull before.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened. Small stain.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
And
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

When you hear a joke, think of Grumpy.

DanK


----------



## pottz

> Would it be inappropriate to post a few in honor of Grumpy?
> 
> Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
> Deja Moo: the feeling that you ve hear this bull before.
> Eagles may soar, but weasels don t get sucked into jet engines.
> Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don t have film.
> For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened. Small stain.
> Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
> I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
> 
> When you hear a joke, think of Grumpy.
> 
> DanK
> 
> - Dan Krager


not at all, i think he would be honored,thats why he started this thread,too laugh and enjoy life.


----------



## sras

> When you hear a joke, think of Grumpy.
> 
> DanK
> 
> - Dan Krager


Will do Dan!


----------



## MLWilson

Gerry, you are a fine human being.


----------



## oldnovice

Rest in peace Grumpy, a man I never met but loved dearly though his words and work.
He will certainly be missed by anyone who knew him or knw about him!


----------



## TheDane

Thirteen Commandments for Seniors.


1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - "On time" is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller.

#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

And one more :

#13 - One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.


----------



## pottz

good one gerry,and so true.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

I was talking to myself about cutting down on my drinking the other day, and then considered that I shouldn't be taking advice from some drunk in a bar, talking to himself…


----------



## dv8eod

If you want to know who is really man's best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.


----------



## dv8eod

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line.
I had no bills and no debt.
I even had full medical benefits coverage." 
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" 
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. 
"Because of Coronavirus, I was unexpectedly paroled".


----------



## dv8eod

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


----------



## dv8eod

Last week a guy gets in a cab going to the airport.
He wants to ask the driver a question and gently taps him on the shoulder. 
The driver screamed, lost control, ran up on the curb barely missing a parked car and stopping just inches from the front window of a packed restaurant. 
The passenger says, I'm sorry, I didn't think a little tap to get your attention would scare you so badly!" 
Driver - "No, it is entirely my fault. See, this is my first day driving a cab. The last twenty five years I have been driving a hearse."


----------



## dv8eod

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher and political theorist,
but very few people know about his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starter pistol.


----------



## dv8eod

That reminds me of the two socialist nudist blondes sitting on a porch.
The first one asks, "Have you read Marx?" 
The second one replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."


----------



## dv8eod

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule." "We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'Thats once.'"


----------



## dv8eod

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving galveston beach well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" 
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." 
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied. 
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night." 
"That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!" 
"No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean.
"Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied. 
The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" 
"Well, what?" the man asked. 
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs. 
"Call who back?" the man asked. 
"The FISH." 
"What fish?"


----------



## dv8eod

The most popular labor-saving device is still money. - Phyllis George

Successful investing takes time, discipline, and patience. No matter how
great the talent or effort, some things just take time: You can't produce a
baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant. - Warren Buffet

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every
year. I told him, "At my age I don't even buy green bananas." - Claude
Pepper

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. - Spike
Mulligan

There were times when my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell
if it was heads or tails. - Spencer Tracy

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me. - Warren Buffet

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in
America. If I'm not there, I go to work. - Robert Orben

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand. - Anon

Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. -
Christopher Marlowe

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. - Anon


----------



## dv8eod

A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually
very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that
he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to
him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which
the boy replied, "Yes, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."


----------



## dv8eod

Nancy: Look at that drunk guy!
Me: Who is he?
Nancy: 25 years back he proposed to me and I rejected him.
Me: Oh my God, he's still celebrating!


----------



## dv8eod

A forester who often has to consult property owners to determine
boundary lines was walking up a dirt road to question one such individual. He
encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep
Out…This Means You!"

Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative
landowner.

When he was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me
again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."


----------



## dv8eod

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 Byte.
Then everything crashed.


----------



## dv8eod

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…

She hugged me.


----------



## dv8eod

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my Son, "That's us in 10 years time."

He said, "That's a mirror, You idiot!"


----------



## dv8eod

My moral compass is broken…
...so I got an ethical GPS instead. 
It gives lousy directions but I always end up meeting the nicest people.


----------



## dv8eod

I turned to Nancy, ran my hand up her thigh across her belly and down her legs. 
When I turned back to watch tv she asked 
"Why stop?"

"I found the remote" I replied.


----------



## dv8eod

When I was young I told my Dad I was considering a career in Organized Crime.
He asked me,
"Government or Private sector?"


----------



## dv8eod

Tea is an Evil Substance!
I was out with Friends till about 3 AM drinking beer as the Wife sat home drinking tea.

You should have SEEN how angry and violent she was when I got home!
I was peaceful, silent and I headed to bed as she shouted at me.
This went on all night and up to nearly noon!

Please Ladies!
If you can't handle your tea? JUST DON'T DRINK IT!


----------



## dv8eod

When you go to the mall with your wife hold her hand.
If you turn loose she will start shopping.
It looks romantic but is really economics.


----------



## dv8eod

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded." 
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best!
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers…Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." 
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,
no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."


----------



## dv8eod

A man dressed up as a baby horse, and made a complete foal of himself.

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares.

I have kleptomania. When it gets bad I take something for it.

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae
school.

The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.

Cardboard belts are a waist of paper.

Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said,
"No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the
refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Went shopping while hungry; now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 6.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "close enough."

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable.

Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor first thing in the
morning, the devil says: "Oh, oh, here she comes."

When you can't find the sunshine…be the sunshine.


----------



## dv8eod

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. 
The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class:
"Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"


----------



## dv8eod

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. 
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues,
"one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared." 
(At this point, several of the children giggle.) 
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them! I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. 
The teacher stands up and says, 
"I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot, 
"but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."


----------



## dv8eod

Three Men are sitting at a bus stop
The first man says, "I served in the U.S. Army for 10 years. I was involved in the Korean War."

The second man says, "Nice. I served in the United States Marine Corps for 8 years. I was involved in the Iraq War."

The third man says, "I was involved in the War on Drugs. I served 15 years at San Quentin."


----------



## dv8eod

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


----------



## dv8eod

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"


----------



## dv8eod

An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe…
As he's looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

"This is terrible! There's no expiration date on our marriage license!"

The wife turns around from her work and reaches around her husband pointing at the last lines of the license.

"Sure it does, right here… 'til death.'"

She continues: "Do you want to get out now or in a couple years?"


----------



## dv8eod

Login problems

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." >1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1bloodyprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1BLOODYprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1BloodyPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1BloodyPrettyRoseShovedUpYourBehindIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1BloodyPrettyRoseShovedUpYourBehindIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."


----------



## dv8eod

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)
And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they've aimed at themselves"

I was in a car dealership looking at some newer models. 
Of course I was asking questions until it came to…
"cargo space?". 
The dealer replies 
"car no do that. car go road."


----------



## dv8eod

2 foreigners want to immigrate to Canada so they go to the immigration office. 
First guy goes in and the immigration officer asks "alright you want to come into Canada, what do you do for work?"

The foreigner says "oh I a pilot, I a pilot "
Immigration officer goes "alright a pilot sounds good welcome to Canada"

Second guy walks in and is greeted with the same question about his occupation.
He replies "oh I a chop a da wood, I chop a da wood"

Immigration officer replies "oh no sorry we already have enough lumber jacks in Canada"

Clearly sad, the foreigner asks "oh that a to bad, how my buddy do ? Did he get into Canada?"

Immigration officer says "oh yeah, we let your buddy in, he's a pilot!"

The foreigner replies "oh no! I chop a da wood, he a pile-it!"


----------



## dv8eod

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no one could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. 
Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. 
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, 
so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. 
Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!

Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, 
"What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" 
"No" the man replied, 
"I work for the IRS."


----------



## dv8eod

One dark night near Houston, a fire started inside a local chemical plant . . .
In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, 
"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire fighters could not get through.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, 
"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Chuck, the 70-year-old fire chief, 
"the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that durned fire truck!"


----------



## dv8eod

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together" said the cameraman. Again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE".

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera" said the photographer. Yet again "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US?


> ? CAN I BE FIRST


?"


----------



## dv8eod

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become
a great writer.

When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.


----------



## dv8eod

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just
written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was
the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.


----------



## dv8eod

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch.

Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.The Norwegian submarine crew gets another submarine as replacement and does the same mission. So of course the Swede swims down to the sub and knocks on the hatch. To the Swedes suprise the same Norwegian opens the hatch so that the submarine sinks once again.

The Norwegian crew gets one more submarine so that they can keep going with the mission. The Swede couldn't retain himself so he went down to the sub and knocks on the hatch one more time.The Norwegian opens the hatch and says:-Haha I'm not falling for that again!


----------



## dv8eod

A pastor was doing his children's sermon with all the youngsters down front
to hear the lesson.

He was discussing the story of Jonah. He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1
and 2: "And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah
was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed
to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord
out of my distress and He answered me.' ... and the Lord spoke to the fish,
and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10)

When the pastor finished the quotation, he started trying to solicit input
from the youngsters to help him complete his mini-sermon. He asked
thoughtfully, "What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to
us today?"

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm for the entire
congregation to hear, "It proves that even a fish can't stomach a bad
preacher!"


----------



## dv8eod

The existence of Silly Putty indicates there is also a Serious Putty -the long name for C-4.


----------



## dv8eod

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox.
He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."


----------



## dv8eod

Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.

"Might as well, I can't get this dang hubcap off."


----------



## dv8eod

If anyone is wondering why, I thought I would try to post one joke every minute as a tribute to grumpy who started this great thread. With the exception of a couple of hiccups, I do think I managed to come very close. At least that is what the "Edit" timer seems to think.
It is only recently that I heard of his passing, and really couldn't think of something to say as we didn't know each other and didn't wish to bring more gloom to the situation. But I know he liked a good joke, so please enjoy and don't hold it against me.
Thank you.


----------



## pottz

a great tribute to the man id say.


----------



## patron

dv8eod

you have honored toni in a way i greatly admire
as stated elsewhere his posts were the most looked for and commented on
among the many posted on lumberjocks

yes we all miss him
may the good Lord continue to guide him

i almost met him once
he and wife were visiting colorado

sad for me they were traveling on a 'tour' and 
were going across much farther north thet i could make in time myself

again thank you for your entry into this thread in such a way as you have

you honor not only tony 
but all who love his teachings

God bless
be safe


----------



## DanKrager

Great work dv8eod, and nicely done. Made me smile again and again.

A young farm boy was anxious about his first date. He was fond of a city girl, and he didn't want his first date to be a dud because he was unfamiliar with city ways, so he suggested a drive in the country. To his delight she eagerly accepted. So he picked her up on time and as they were beginning to drive through the country side he began to worry about embarrassing things she might see and ask him about. Things like cows or pigs mating. And to his great dismay they drove past a farmer spreading manure in the field just across the fence. It came up so suddenly that he didn't have a chance to turn around, so he kept driving hoping she wouldn't notice. Well, of course she noticed and asked what he was doing out there in the field. Thoroughly embarrassed, the boy thought quickly and told her that the farmer was testing his new race car out in the field where no one wold get hurt. After a moment she replied, " He's sure driving the $hit out of it, isn't he?"

DanK


----------



## Dark_Lightning

^ Girl's got to learn sometime, if she didn't know already!

Farmer humor- I knew a guy many years ago who's wife was pregnant and a couple of weeks overdue. His comment when asked about it was, "I don't know if I used to much fertilizer or put the seed in too deep". Deadpan, and the kids standing around hadn't a clue what he was talking about. 8^D


----------



## Woodyvolt

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
-------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow ..
-------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones .
-------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
-------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
-------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
-------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

It's a known fact that people who don't know "burro" from "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.


----------



## TheDane

Brad was sick of the world, of Covid-19, Trump, Russian belligerence, China, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

One night Brad drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could.

He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station, and started the car.

Two days later, a worried neighbor peered through Brad's garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Brad from the car.

A little sip of water and, surprisingly, Brad was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.


----------



## 280305

> It s a known fact that people who don t know "burro" from "burrow" don t know their ass from a hole in the ground.
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


The nerdier version:
A topologist is a person who doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground, but does know their ass from two holes in the ground


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> It s a known fact that people who don t know "burro" from "burrow" don t know their ass from a hole in the ground.
> 
> - Dark_Lightning
> 
> The nerdier version:
> A topologist is a person who doesn t know their ass from a hole in the ground, but does know their ass from two holes in the ground
> 
> - ChuckV


LOL, so true! But I'd hate to try and drink from their coffee mug.


----------



## bigblockyeti

Reminds me of the difference between a genealogist and gynecologist. One looks up the family tree and one looks up the family bush.


----------



## bobnann

My grandkids came back from a Florida vacation and brought this shot glass for me. I have enjoyed all the jokes from the many contributors. Thanks Grumpy!


----------



## bobnann

My grandkids came back from a Florida vacation and brought this shot glass for me. I have enjoyed all the jokes from the many contributors. Thanks Grumpy!


----------



## CaptainKlutz

Arizona traffic notification warning:









Especially for those folks in Pacific NW experiencing high temperatures commonly found in Arizona.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Overheard in the hardware store.

I need a rug a little over 6 feet long.

What, you gonna roll up a body inside?

I need two rugs a little over 6 feet long.


----------



## DanKrager

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their son and enjoying being with family. Grandpa was a nosy sort and discovered Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. So he asked his son if he could try one and see if he liked it. The son replied that he didn't think Grandpa should try it becaise they are very strong and very expensive. 
"How much do they cost?" asked Grandpa.
"They are $10 apiece".
"OK. I'll try one and if I like it I'll leave $10 under the pillow." 
Next day Grandpa and Grandma drove home and the curious son looked under the pillow. There was $110! Thinking Grandpa misunderstood, he called and said, "Dad, those pills were $10, not $110." 
"I know, son. I left $10 under the pillow. Grandma left $100."

DanK


----------



## Mike_in_STL

LOL OMG!!!! Thanks for the laugh Dan!


----------



## pottz

> LOL OMG!!!! Thanks for the laugh Dan!
> 
> - MikeinSTL


+1 HILARIOUS


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> LOL OMG!!!! Thanks for the laugh Dan!
> 
> - MikeinSTL
> 
> +1 HILARIOUS
> 
> - pottz


+2 ;-))


----------



## rad457

Last night we drove our truck to a bar here in town and we had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. We still had the sense to know we were over the limit. That's when we decided to do what we have never done before: We locked up the truck in a secure place, and took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. We arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because We had never driven a cab before, I don't even know where we got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. Who needs parts? '99 Ford Taurus V6, automatic transmission, tires are about half tread…


----------



## pottz

> Last night we drove our truck to a bar here in town and we had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots….. We still had the sense to know we were over the limit. That s when we decided to do what we have never done before: We locked up the truck in a secure place, and took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. We arrived home safely without incident. This came as a great relief and a surprise because We had never driven a cab before, I don t even know where we got it from, and now that it is in my garage, I don t know what to do with it. Who needs parts? 99 Ford Taurus V6, automatic transmission, tires are about half tread…
> 
> - Andre


good one.


----------



## DLK

*is hotter than*


----------



## Bonka




----------



## DLK

^ explane please.


----------



## pottz

> ^ explane please.
> 
> - Combo Prof


+1


----------



## Bonka

It's a feather & Lady Liberty has a vulnerable arm pit.


----------



## DLK

O.K. it looked like vegetation, i.e a tree branch. Green is a poor choice I think. Not common to find green feathers in NYC.


----------



## WoodES

Not only that Hell freezes over….

From someone who grew up half way between Hell & Paradise….


----------



## MSquared

*Combo Prof* .... Been to Greenwich Village?!


----------



## DLK

> *Combo Prof* .... Been to Greenwich Village?!
> 
> - MSquared


I guess you got me. I had not thought about Greenwich Village. But I did consider showgirl costume feathers.


----------



## DLK

> Not only that Hell freezes over….
> 
> From someone who grew up half way between Hell & Paradise….
> 
> - WoodES


Nice. This was erected across the street from the first house we bought in Michigan.


----------



## WoodES

> Not only that Hell freezes over….
> 
> From someone who grew up half way between Hell & Paradise….
> 
> - WoodES
> 
> Nice. This was erected across the street from the first house we bought in Michigan.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Combo Prof


Nice, I've been to Houghton in the summer time. It was a backpack trip to Isle Royale, wonderful trip. I was also in Marquette on News Years Eve. Only 7 degrees with the wind coming off of Lake Superior, it felt colder than 35 below.


----------



## KentInOttawa

> Nice. This was erected across the street from the first house we bought in Michigan.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Combo Prof


I knew it! The Earth is flat!


----------



## Bonka




----------



## TheDane




----------



## pottz

> - TheDane


im in-lol.


----------



## 987Ron

> - TheDane


Too extreme for this old guy.


----------



## DanKrager

A doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding cake".

DanK


----------



## TanningChatum

Man there's some classics in here!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## DanKrager

GEOLOGY rocks
but
GEOGRAPHY is where it's at.

DanK


----------



## pottz

> - CaptainKlutz


cant wait till i forget or care what day it is.


----------



## BurlyBob

Pottz I use to keep a calendar in the shop and wore a watch. Since I retired I don't do either and life is much simpler.


----------



## pottz

> Pottz I use to keep a calendar in the shop and wore a watch. Since I retired I don t do either and life is much simpler.
> 
> - BurlyBob


i still have calendars but i took the watch off about 15 years ago,i realized what do i need it for,clocks everywhere,plus the phone.


----------



## LeeRoyMan

a1 ̶J̶i̶m̶ pottz


----------



## pottz

> a1 ̶J̶i̶m̶ pottz
> 
> - LeeRoyMan


is there a problem leeroy ?


----------



## KentInOttawa

> Pottz I use to keep a calendar in the shop and wore a watch. Since I retired I don t do either and life is much simpler.
> 
> - BurlyBob
> 
> i still have calendars but i took the watch off about 15 years ago,i realized what do i need it for,clocks everywhere,plus the phone.
> 
> - pottz


I set several daily alarms so I know when to stop and eat or get a snack because SWMBO won't let me do that at will, now. The phone is always there to remind me and for use as a camera.

I work when I can and don't when I can't, and I like it.


----------



## LeeRoyMan

> a1 ̶J̶i̶m̶ pottz
> 
> - LeeRoyMan
> 
> is there a problem leeroy ?
> 
> - pottz


No, not at all…
I thought this was the joke page? Just making a light-hearted joke is all. 
(It's not like I called you Chatty Cathy or anything) 
Besides, I like Jim.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## dv8eod

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.
Amazed, the bartender thinks, What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink. As he hands the martini over, the animal holds out a $20 bill. The bartender accepts the cash and decides to test his unusual customer's intellect. He only gives the ape a dollar in change. The gorilla silently begins to sip his drink.
"You know," the bartender says, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." 
The gorilla replies, "At $19 a drink, I'm not surprised."


----------



## dv8eod

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Granddaughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. 
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. 
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. 
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon, Love, Grandma


----------



## dv8eod

When you officially know you are truly "over the hill."

During a long day of looking around Cabela's, Bill, and a couple of his
friends stopped in at Hooter's for some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of Bill's friends asked him which waitress he
would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

He told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators."


----------



## dv8eod

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!!!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?"


----------



## Mike_in_STL

Laughed out loud dv8eod, thanks!


----------



## TheDane

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy , quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get some pizza."


----------



## TheDane

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently down her leg to her calf. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...


----------



## DanKrager

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house….walked home…and left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank.

DanK


----------



## DanKrager

A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor. He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now." 
The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The Queensland Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face. "See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish…. 
On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" 
The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

DanK


----------



## 987Ron

GOOD OL' CORPORATE AMERICA!

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.


----------



## DS

> GOOD OL CORPORATE AMERICA!
> 
> A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
> 
> The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
> 
> Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
> 
> So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
> 
> To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
> 
> The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
> 
> The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year s racing team was outsourced to India.
> 
> - 987Ron


Wow! That sums up almost every experience I've ever had working for large corporations.
It would be a more funny story if it weren't so spot on true and sad.


----------



## Mike_in_STL

That's the company I work for….


----------



## Bonka




----------



## 987Ron




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry the same can be said for beer.


----------



## TheDane

TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - "On time" is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

This is horrible, but I still laughed-

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant, so l followed him.


----------



## bigblockyeti

A few guys walk into a bar and start discussing the differences between 1/4" & 1/2" shaft router bits.


----------



## pottz

> TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
> 
> #1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
> 
> #2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.
> 
> #3 - You don t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
> 
> #4 - Your people skills are just fine. It s your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
> 
> #5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don t need to write that down. I ll remember it."
> 
> #6 - "On time" is when you get there.
> 
> #7 - Even duct tape can t fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
> 
> #8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
> 
> #9 - Lately, you ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.
> 
> #10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
> 
> #11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn t shut you up.
> 
> #12 - You still haven t learned to act your age and hope you never will.
> 
> - TheDane


man not only funny but so true.


----------



## dv8eod

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied "no"

She responded,
"How about now?"


----------



## DS

^ I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming. ^^^


----------



## DanKrager

I laughed WAY too hard at this:
The Old Coot On The Moped
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!' 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right… But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds 
the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! 
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you?' The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'

DanK


----------



## dv8eod

Loved it, Dan^^^

I did not know this…..
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.


----------



## dv8eod

10 REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX… 
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 
5) Twenty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 
2) Less guilt the morning after. 
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX….. 
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!!!


----------



## dv8eod

An Obituary printed in the London Times

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.


----------



## dv8eod

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked… 
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does… And it was a long, deep lingering kiss..

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. 
That's a real talent you are wasting.. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" 
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…..."


----------



## pottz

> An Obituary printed in the London Times
> 
> Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
> been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his
> birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
> remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
> 
> - Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
> 
> - Why the early bird gets the worm;
> 
> - Life isn t always fair;
> 
> - and maybe it was my fault.
> 
> Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don t spend more
> than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
> charge).
> 
> His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
> overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
> charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from
> school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
> an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
> 
> Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
> that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
> 
> It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
> to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform
> parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
> 
> Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and
> criminals received better treatment than their victims.
> 
> Common Sense took a beating when you couldn t defend yourself from a
> burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
> 
> Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
> realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
> lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
> 
> Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
> wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
> 
> He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
> 
> I Know My Rights
> 
> I Want It Now
> 
> Someone Else Is To Blame
> 
> I m A Victim
> 
> Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
> still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
> 
> - dv8eod












oh man all good stuff,especially the trick or treating hilarious.this one just plain true.


----------



## dv8eod

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. 
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia.


----------



## dv8eod

> * Adult Truths * 
> 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
> 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
> 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
> 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
> 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
> 6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
> 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
> 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
> 10. Bad decisions make good stories.
> 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
> 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection…again.
> 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
> 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
> 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
> 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
> 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
> 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
> 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
> 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
> 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
> 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
> 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
> 24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.
> 25. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies quit Laughing!
> Heal the past, live the present, dream the future. Enjoy life!!!
> Laugh today because wrinkles only indicate where smiles used to be!!
> Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile!


----------



## dv8eod

Something To Remember

Three people having sex is a -Threesome

Two people having sex is a - Twosome

So next time someone calls you - Handsome - don't take it as a compliment!


----------



## dv8eod

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY 
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: 

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.


Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.


Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


----------



## dv8eod

THIS IS JUST AN INCREDIBLE STORY !!!!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University …

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. 
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. 
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, 
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. 
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. 
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. 
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away 
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. 
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and 
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing 
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. 
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. 
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. 
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. 
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. 
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. 
Probably wasn't the same elephant.


----------



## BurlyBob

dv8eod, those are all some real good ones.


----------



## DanKrager

I'll post another dumb joke if it stimulates this many good ones! LOLOLOLOL!

DanK

(still laughing)


----------



## Mike_in_STL

> Probably wasn t the same elephant.
> 
> - dv8eod


Perfect.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## 987Ron

Keep the dog from drinking out of it.


----------



## dv8eod

For the silly joke category:

A woman caught her son chewing on electrical cords.
She grounded him.
He is currently doing better 
and conducting himself properly.
She is glad she didn't blow a fuse and have a battery of tests done on him.
She just hopes he does not get amped up again.


----------



## dv8eod

Did you hear about the two hillbillies who had Himalayan rabbit for supper?

They found himalayan in the road.


----------



## dv8eod

I got into a bit of trouble today.

I was in an elevator when this "well endowed" lady came in. 
My attention was … focused.

Then she said "Please press one".......


----------



## dv8eod

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "What's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "He did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun.'"


----------



## dv8eod

Two Mafia hitmen were walking through a forest in the middle of the night.
One says, "I hate to say it, but I am a little bit scared out here." 
The other says, "You're scared? I am going have to walk back to the car by myself."


----------



## dv8eod

The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny
BY ANNA LIND THOMAS MARCH 22, 2018

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

"Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, "Am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "Is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in *.

"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"

"What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you …" then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.

"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of my dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"

"Get away from the door!" I screamed like Reagan from The Exorcist.

"Ok, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

*toot toot splatter ungodly noise*

"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"

"Okay, are you sure you're …"

"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's lying on the couch while I type this … "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny


----------



## dv8eod

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the Confessional booth and closes the door…
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that &%$# again…"


----------



## dv8eod

Did you hear the one about the old Marine veteran who asked the
Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq?

Of course the Commandant refused, and told the old Marine he had served
his time in combat and should relax and enjoy his golden years.

The 'ole Gunny wasn't at all pleased, so he wrote the Secretary of the
Navy with the same request. Back came the reply for him to enjoy his
golden years, because Iraq was a young Marine's war and there was no
place for him.

That really ****ed him off, so he wrote his congressman a long, heart
wrenching letter explaining in great detail just why he felt he should
be returned to active duty.

Back came the reply almost word for word, the same as the SecNav
response…....

The 'ole Gunny was livid.
He went down to the beach in Norfolk, VA and bought a rowboat, and
vowing to get to Iraq one way or the other, he set out rowing his boat
and singing the Marine Hymn…." From the Halls of Montezuma to the
shores of Tripoli " 
........... and off he rowed for Iraq

Saint Peter had been watching this grizzled 'ole Gunny all the while,
and was at first amused by it all but had grown increasingly concerned
as the Gunny displayed his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter
finally turned to God for advice on how to deal with this Gung Ho Gunny.

After hearing the saga unfold, God advised Saint Peter to be merciful
and take the Gunny's brain, since that was the center of thought, and he
would simply abandon the idea about getting to Iraq.

Now, having taken God's advice and removing the Gunny's brain, St.
Peter observed little if any change in the Gunny's behavior. He
continued to row his boat and sing at the top of his voice "From the
Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli , we will ".......

A little frustrated at the lack of results of his efforts, St. Peter
turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?"

God said, "Well OK, take his heart, because not even a Marine can
function without a heart. So, that should end it."

But when St. Peter had completed his task, and removed the Gunny's
heart, he was again amazed that little if any change could be observed
in the Gunny's behavior as he continued to row his boat and sing "From
the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we will fight our
country's battles…." 
at-the-top-of-his-voice.

Once again, St. Peter asked God for assistance with this unusual
situation for which there seemed to be no solution.

This time God responded by suggesting that St. Peter should remove the
Marine's testicles, since it's a well known fact that Marines can't
function without their testicles. Otherwise, what would be the reason
for Marines having the world wide reputation of having the balls to do
the impossible?

Convinced this was the answer, St. Peter went to work and removed the
'ole Gunny's balls.

Again, St. Peter observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains
and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle singing,

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder."


----------



## dv8eod

Dearest Lauren,

I'm so sorry for the things I said. I've been unable to sleep since I broke
off our relationship last month. I think about you day and night. Your
absence is breaking my heart and recently I've begun to realize that nobody
can take your place. Sweetheart, I miss you so much. Please call me.

All my love,

Robert

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball Lottery!


----------



## dv8eod

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic
or tactical problem.
They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a
difficult tactical problem into it.
They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the
pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them
submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.


----------



## Bonka

Do you know the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The Hoover has the Dirt Bag inside..


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## LeeRoyMan

> - CaptainKlutz


Don't forget to add a shot of tequila every 75 miles to keep you walking good.


----------



## oldnovice

A guy stopped by my house this morning and said he would like to put a new roof on my house.
I asked how much it would cost?
He replied, "nothing, it's on the house"!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Marjanz

What is the fleas favorite way to travel?
Itch hiking.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.


----------



## DS

It's a fashion statement…


----------



## bigblockyeti

Young and olderest


----------



## Bonka




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## DS

I actually have a Bonafide time machine.

I sit In it, put Nascar or Golf on the TV, pull the lever on the side and I am instantly transported three hours into the future.

It is very reliable, but, I haven't figured out how to go back in time yet.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## DanKrager

Irish jokes, Polish jokes, blonde jokes, Iowa women jokes, but what about dumb men jokes?

Husband: "Want a quickie?" 
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

How is a man like a snowstorm? You don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or low long it will take.

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

How do men define Roe vs. Wade? Two ways to cross a river.

What is gross stupidity? 144 men in a room.

What's a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.

DanK


----------



## CaptainKlutz

What do you call an old snowman? 
.
.
.
.
Water


----------



## MSquared

Klutz….. That is what's known as a "Groaner"!

Of course, I'll use it.


----------



## CaptainKlutz

I keep a few 'dad' jokes laying around for when my teenage son needs a smile. 
They are all 'groaners'. 

--------

What kind of jokes does a quarantined dad tell? 
Inside jokes.

--------

I was gonna post a joke about Sodium; 
but then i was like Na people wouldn't get it.

---------

Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy the joke too.

----------

Have really funny joke about time travel; 
but already know you won't like it.

-----------

Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times.
Analysts say it's the worst pun-demic ever recorded in modern history.

-------------
Looooooool


----------



## MSquared

Ouch! And … Ouch!


----------



## rad457

Looking for a married Woman, recently cheated on, Mad and Scorned, who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap?


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Looking for a married Woman, recently cheated on, Mad and Scorned, who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap?
> 
> - Andre


That's downright funny! It would work for a specialty vehicle, too! 8^D


----------



## BurlyBob

Or maybe even for a boat!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Dark_Lightning

> Or maybe even for a boat!
> 
> - BurlyBob


True-

Boat- a hole in the water that one throws money into.
Airplane- throw money at the sky.
I forget the line for road vehicles.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457

Sums up our Canadian Election


----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## Woodnmetal

My clone is, Looking for a woman who is good with tall plants, can cook, bake, clean, sew, and owns her own 500 acre farm…

Please send picture of tractor.


----------



## rad457

An I challenge with, our very own substitute Drama Teacher(Queen?) 








or?


----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## MSquared

*Yeti,*

Ah! A Presidential visit! Yay!! .............. Er, Ummmm …..


----------



## DLK




----------



## DanKrager

What's worse that being arrested for indecent exposure?

Being let go for lack of evidence.

DanK


----------



## rad457

A 70 year old man was fishing in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you crazy? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.


----------



## GR8HUNTER

> A 70 year old man was fishing in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, Pick me up. He looked around and couldn t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up. He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, Are you talking to me? The frog said, Yes, I m talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me, and I ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride! The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, What, are you crazy? Didn t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride. He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, Nah, at my age I d rather have a talking frog.
> 
> - Andre


*BAHAHAHAHAHAHA RIB IT :<))))))*


----------



## rad457

Way down in South Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had a son…and Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got yourself a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting." 
Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!" 
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil" 
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!" 
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty." 
Join This Group If You Love To Laugh


----------



## MSquared

I will never tell that joke. Bwaaaaa!


----------



## DanKrager

Why have a shamrock when you can have the real thing?

DanK


----------



## Dark_Lightning

How big do you think it will grow?


----------



## Novamr99

It's ready to harvest right now.


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## 280305

Remember the Five Man Electric Band, or maybe an obscure band named Tesla ?


----------



## Novamr99

Signs, signs , everywhere is signs
Blockin up the scenery, breakin my mind
Do this ,don't do that
Can't you read the sign?


----------



## Bonka

What do you do with an Elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the Giraffe.


----------



## rad457

The Pastor's pay
The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a pay raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his pay.
After six children, this rule had become very costly, so the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's ever increasing salary.
A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and stated. "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." 
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand and eventually said in a frail voice. "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots." 
The entire congregation said in unison….. "Amen….....


----------



## Dark_Lightning

MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL 600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama


----------



## MSquared

Haaaa!! "And the winner is,......"


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## bigblockyeti

China has invested billions in a new nuclear capable hypersonic, orbiting missle system. This would not have been possible if it were not for those who generously contributed to this effort. On going expenses will be significant and your help is tremendously appreciated by the Chinese government. A donation organization similar to GoFundMe has been set up, if you would like to donate, see below.
.
.
.
.


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## rad457

Butch the Rooster
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.


----------



## Mike_in_STL

> Butch the Rooster
> Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
> She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
> This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
> Sarah s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch s bell hadn t rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
> To Sarah s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn t ring. He d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
> Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
> The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
> Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren t paying attention?
> Vote carefully in the next election. You can t always hear the bells.
> 
> - Andre


Might not be able to hear the bells, but lately you can smell the chicken poop.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## dv8eod

Those were some really good ones right there. All I could come up with is-

Ain't it funny how the generation that grew up making prank phone calls now spends most of the time blocking spam callers….......

Sorry. I'll try to do better next time.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## 280305

> - bigblockyeti


Hilarious! The only thing that could make it better would be to see AAA pull up with a gas can to refill the generator.


----------



## LeeRoyMan




----------



## CaptainKlutz

Generator on side road, Funny? eh…
'Pity the fool' kinda of stupid if you understand EV charging.

The 120v supply emergency charger in-vehicle is super slow - 30+ hours for decent charge, roughly 2-3 miles of range per hour. The 230v supply requires a special power convertor box. A 30A supply (~12KW generator) takes 12-16 hours to charge depleted batteries. Need a 50A supply line for fast charger (6-12hrs depending on battery type). 
Several mfg offer hyper charge mode, if you have 75-100A 230v supply line. A fast charging mobile generator requires 30KW + special 3 phase power convertor. A typical 30KW generator is driven by a 4cyl diesel or 6 cyl gas motor. 
IMHO - Wound be more believable to see one of these hulking beasts in side of road charging an EV:









In several EU countries, the 'motor club' uses a 'green' trailer loaded with lithium batteries and special high rate charger. There are several memes in WWW poking fun at this original advertising image:








.
I want to know how emergency road service vehicle can get away with blocking the road for an hour for enough charge to get you 50miles. Which is gold standard for motor club services - just enough fuel to get next gas station. 
Next gas station, LOL Now that is funny…..


----------



## 280305

> - LeeRoyMan


That's it!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> Generator on side road, Funny? eh…
> Pity the fool kinda of stupid if you understand EV charging.
> 
> The 120v supply emergency charger in-vehicle is super slow - 30+ hours for decent charge, roughly 2-3 miles of range per hour. The 230v supply requires a special power convertor box. A 30A supply (~12KW generator) takes 12-16 hours to charge depleted batteries. Need a 50A supply line for fast charger (6-12hrs depending on battery type).
> Several mfg offer hyper charge mode, if you have 75-100A 230v supply line. A fast charging mobile generator requires 30KW + special 3 phase power convertor. A typical 30KW generator is driven by a 4cyl diesel or 6 cyl gas motor.
> IMHO - Wound be more believable to see one of these hulking beasts in side of road charging an EV:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> In several EU countries, the motor club uses a green trailer loaded with lithium batteries and special high rate charger. There are several memes in WWW poking fun at this original advertising image:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .
> I want to know how emergency road service vehicle can get away with blocking the road for an hour for enough charge to get you 50miles. Which is gold standard for motor club services - just enough fuel to get next gas station.
> Next gas station, LOL Now that is funny…..
> 
> - CaptainKlutz


That reminds me of a customer who called wanting to operate 3 garage doors with solar power at a condo. They originally did not want to spend the money to run power out to the garage. They quickly tired of opening and closing by hand ;-)) I told them by the time they set up a system to store enough power and operate the 3 doors several operations per day, it would be cheaper to run 120 v out from their electrical service, ;-))


----------



## bigblockyeti

> Pity the fool kinda of stupid if you understand EV charging.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .
> I want to know how emergency road service vehicle can get away with blocking the road for an hour for enough charge to get you 50miles. Which is gold standard for motor club services - just enough fuel to get next gas station.
> Next gas station, LOL Now that is funny…..
> 
> - CaptainKlutz


I'd put money on not the majority but the *vast* majority of EV drivers understanding very little about EV charging.

Blocking emergency services for many to accommodate the few is just another part of being asked to "lower your expectations."


----------



## MSquared

All very funny! But, one thing that struck me is that the guy pulling the battery trailer didn't know how, or have the sense to, back up the trailer to behind the car to clear a lane. Oh, and maybe carry a longer extension cord! Duh! A larger van to make it all self-contained might come in handy…..Sheesh!
P.S.; The other night, at a nearby convenience store, a guy was stuck needing a jump. I pulled up to help him out. 
He was pointing at the trunk. OK. I pulled there. A teeny battery was in there. OK. Turns out, it was a 3 y.o. Hybrid! He said it had happened before. That was a head-scratcher for a few reasons


----------



## CaptainKlutz

> The other night, at a nearby convenience store, a guy was stuck needing a jump. I pulled up to help him out. He was pointing at the trunk. OK. I pulled there. A teeny battery was in there. OK. Turns out, it was a 3 y.o. Hybrid! He said it had happened before. That was a head-scratcher for a few reasons
> - MSquared


That's normal. 
FMVSS requires the vehicle electrical system to be separate from the propulsion system. The logic being, you need emergency blinkers and working ABS+brakes even when propulsion system stops working. Most Hybrid/EV charging systems disconnect batteries when there is problem to prevent damage or fire. The propulsion battery does not like to be completely empty, or connected to dead short; as it severely reduces the lifetime.

Sorry for long explanation, worked on Hybrid/EV charging systems for few years during my career. Also owned a Lexus hybrid for many years. They are much more complex than anyone wants them to be.

Cheers!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> All very funny! But, one thing that struck me is that the guy pulling the battery trailer didn t know how, or have the sense to, back up the trailer to behind the car to clear a lane. Oh, and maybe carry a longer extension cord! Duh! A larger van to make it all self-contained might come in handy…..Sheesh!
> P.S.; The other night, at a nearby convenience store, a guy was stuck needing a jump. I pulled up to help him out.
> He was pointing at the trunk. OK. I pulled there. A teeny battery was in there. OK. Turns out, it was a 3 y.o. Hybrid! He said it had happened before. That was a head-scratcher for a few reasons
> 
> - MSquared


I've been reading where the newer vehicles with all the electronics should not be used to jump start other vehicles due to the potential for the power surge to damage components. I for sure won't be doing it with my econobox, and have counseled my family members not to jump start vehicles with dead batteries. My big dumb '70 Chevy truck, I have no worries. Tell them to call AAA, instead.

Needs joke!


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## MSquared

*Klutz, Steven-*, Aaah! 'Ya learn something new every day! I was aware that the propulsion batteries are separate from what I'll (incorrectly) call the 'running system'...i.e.; Hazard lights, ABS/brakes, etc. The jumping part, I was not fully aware of. Very good to know! Never had the occasion nor inclination prior. Does an '04 4Runner still qualify as a 'newer' vehicle? What years constitute newer these days?

Part of the 'head scratcher' was he didn't have it tested nor replaced and doesn't have AAA. Just jumps it when needed. And, it's his business car!! I advised both. I said good night and good luck.


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## TopamaxSurvivor

One of my nieces is an electrical engineer. She did a lot of work for Tesla. She decided to become an attorney. Is that a clue? ;-))


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## rad457

__
Sensitive content, not recommended for those under 18
Show Content


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## Dark_Lightning

Naked Chicks With Guns.


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## rad457




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## BurlyBob

Andre, I bout coughed my beer out my nose over that one.


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## MSquared

I had my 'funny bone' operated on today! ..... Does that count?


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## rad457

> I had my funny bone operated on today! ..... Does that count?
> 
> - MSquared


Depends on which Funny Bone


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## MSquared

The one that's hurtin' bad right now!!


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## rad457

BREAKING NEWS: CNN. A woman driving a car in Miramichi became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to SHOPPERS DRUG MART now?


----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## rad457




----------



## MSquared

*Yeti* .... Every time I see that Keith Richard is still alive, I feel like I'm doing just fine!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> - Andre


Can't help yourself with the politics, can you?


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## bigblockyeti

Thomas Sowell was a politician? I thought he was just an economist. Who's bringing up politics anyway?


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## rad457

> Thomas Sowell was a politician? I thought he was just an economist. Who s bringing up politics anyway?
> 
> - bigblockyeti


*Thomas Sowell is an American economist, social theorist and senior fellow at Stanford University's Hoover Institution. 
*
LOL! had to look it up, no idea who he was, just thought that the statement describes so much of what is happening ever where? In self defense isn't all politics and all politicians Jokes


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## rad457

Hope this makes the criteria


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## TopamaxSurvivor

> Thomas Sowell was a politician? I thought he was just an economist. Who s bringing up politics anyway?
> 
> - bigblockyeti
> 
> *Thomas Sowell is an American economist, social theorist and senior fellow at Stanford University s Hoover Institution.
> *
> LOL! had to look it up, no idea who he was, just thought that the statement describes so much of what is happening ever where? In self defense isn t all politics and all politicians Jokes
> 
> - Andre


No doubt they are jokes ;-)) Too bad most aren't funny ;-(


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## TopamaxSurvivor

This evening is the 50th anniversary of DB Cooper, the only unsolved airline hijacking in US history. Not sure who the joke is on?


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## CaptainKlutz

To help lift spirits on Thanksgiving, how about some Dad Jokes?


What kind of music did the Pilgrims play on the first Thanksgiving day? 
Plymouth rock.


What will you serve at Thanksgiving dinner if you accidentally sit on the sweet potatoes? 
Squash.


What would you say if it rains cats and dogs on the last Thursday of November? 
It is fowl weather.


What is Dracula's favorite holiday of the year? 
It is Fangs-giving day.


Why did the pilgrims' pants always fall? 
Because the pilgrims used to wear their buckles on their hats.


What kind of dress should one wear to the family Thanksgiving dinner? 
A har-vest.


Why was the Thanksgiving feast extremely expensive? 
Because it had 24 carrots.


What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy.


What would the pilgrims be known for if they were still alive today? 
Their age.


What always comes before a parade on Thanksgiving day? 
The letter 'p.'


What face do pilgrims make when they are in pain? 
Pil-grim face.


What comes at the end of Thanksgiving? 
The letter 'g.'


What would happen if a cranberry became sad? 
It would turn into a blueberry.


How can you know the age of a pilgrim? 
By asking them about pilgrim-age.


Where did the Pilgrims first land? 
On their feet.


What would you call it if someone presents you with a tofu-turkey? 
Pranks-giving Day.


What pop song do people play on Thanksgivings day? 
'All about that baste.'


What dish on the table makes the worst jokes at a Thanksgiving dinner? 
The corny bread.


What did the pilgrim call his friends who came with him on Mayflower? 
Pal-grims.


How did the pilgrims travel to pursue higher studies? 
On scholarships.


What will you call a creature who came back bloated from the Thanksgiving feast? 
A stuffed animal.


Where can you find a turkey that doesn't have legs? 
On the Thanksgiving dinner table.


What did the turkey say to the computer when it had to urgently search for something? 
Google, google, google.


Why can't a turkey eat anything on the last Thursday of November? 
Because it is always stuffed.


What type of key can never open doors? 
A tur-key.


What type of dessert does a turkey have at the Turkey Day feast? 
Peach Gobbler.


What kind of music gadgets does turkey use at the Turkey day feast? 
Drumsticks.


Why was the turkey arrested by the police? 
Because it was suspected of fowl play.


What will you call the ghost of a turkey? 
A poultry-geist.


Why can't you take a turkey to church?
They use FOWL language.


What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
'Quack! Quack!'


What did the dad say when his family told him to stop making lame jokes about cold turkeys? 
"I can't quit cold turkey."


If a large turkey is called a gobbler, what would you call a baby turkey? 
A goblet.


What did one turkey say to another before a feast? 
"Do you believe in life after Thanksgiving?"


What happened to the turkey who fought with other chickens? 
He got his stuffing knocked out of him.


Can a turkey fly higher than the Empire State Building? 
Of course! After all, the building cannot fly.


When does a turkey feel the most grateful? 
The day after Thanksgiving.


Do you know why the turkey crossed the road back and forth? 
To prove that it is not a chicken.


What would you yell after seeing a turkey running on the dining table? 
Fast food on the table.


What do you call the turkey that you see the day after Thanksgiving? 
Lucky.


What does Frankenstein like to have on the fourth Thursday of November? 
Turkey with grave-y.


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims


What did the salad say to the butter who kept making jokes? 
You're on a roll.


With coronavirus still around this year, what's likely to be the most popular side dish? 
Masked potatoes.


Knock, knock… Who's there? 
Gladys… Gladys who?
Gladys Thanksgiving. Aren't you?

Happy Turkey Day, America! 
Don't forget to name the turkey and make everyone uncomfortable.

I can already hear the groaning outside….....


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## CaptainKlutz




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## rad457

First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it…....followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting.
When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."


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## CaptainKlutz




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## Dark_Lightning

SMH


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## 280305

> SMH
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


Just in time for Christmas, get your truther gear here:
https://birdsarentreal.com


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## Dark_Lightning

^ "If it flies it spies". lol


----------



## rad457




----------



## dv8eod

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

...

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. 
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember… over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck, 
Tech Support


----------



## dv8eod

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy &^^&, what the *(&^ is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just not so good it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No report.


----------



## dv8eod

The Bricklayer's Accident Report

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.


----------



## dv8eod

True stories from my job at a trade school.
A student left our program and found a job in his trade. My co-worker called him about three weeks later to see how he was doing. The student said he lost his job. Co-worker asked what happened. 
Student's story.
I didn't go into work one day and the net day the boss asked where I was. I told him I needed a day off. He said "OK just make sure to call in net time and tell me where you are." 
The next week I called him three times to let him know I wouldn't be in to work and he fired me.
Mr. --, Can you believe he expected me to work every day of the week?

I have my students fill out a paper with questions about their available transportation, driver's license, address address and living arrangements etc. to see where they need help. One of the questions is "who do you live with?" and the next line is "relationship" (expecting mother, father, grandparents…) I just had a student reply "Yes, in relationship with my girlfriend"


----------



## dv8eod

My Mancave litany

This is my mancave.
There are many like it but this one is mine.
My mancave is my best friend, it is my life. 
I must master it as I must master my life.
Without me my mancave is useless.
Without my mancave I am useless!


----------



## dv8eod

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter,the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume 'The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow not worthy everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when youNEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?


----------



## dv8eod

DATE: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

-----------------------------------
DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

-----------------------------------
DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director

-----------------------------------
DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.

Happy now?

Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

-----------------------------------
DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races

-----------------------------------
DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.

I'm hearing them right now…..

Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

The Witch

-----------------------------------
DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.

I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director


----------



## dv8eod

Hollywood Squares from "Back in the Day"!

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do *(&^'s Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.


----------



## dv8eod

Beware the 7 types of Christmas shoppers

STUNT DRIVING SHOPPER

Parking lots are a privilege, not a right. Does he not know this? He will Tokyo drift around the corner at Macy's while using talk-to-text and filming for TikTok. He will back his Land Rover into the moped spot. He might eject an unwilling participant from the vehicle to stand in a parking space so no one else can have it.

MANY HAPPY RETURNS SHOPPER

It's hard to believe she could not find any time except days before Christmas to seek refunds on items purchased in October (artisan cheese board, Ugg slippers). Yet here we are, waiting in line 24-deep while four clerks try to reach someone named "Joanna," the only one with the little key to do a return without a receipt.

THIS WAS ON THE WRONG RACK SHOPPER

Not to be confused with I Must Inspect This (Box of Tapas Plates) And Block The Aisle Shopper and This (Pair of Socks) Has a Thread Hanging Down Shopper.

NO SHOPPING SHOPPER

She wanders Target with a list of 11 people but cannot make a decision. Is this (smoothie maker) cool or stupid? Do people still use (1,000-piece puzzles)? She clutches only the bottle of dishwashing liquid she needs for home.

PERSONAL CONVERSATION SHOPPER

They love loitering, conducting all conversations near the most popular display (chihuahua staircase). They are trying to buy a house but need to raise their credit score. Their friend is getting married to the wrong person. They cannot believe what happened on Succession. They will tackle any subject, except, crucially, moving out of the way.

CONFUSED RELATIVE SHOPPER

Tragically, he forgot to check the ages of nieces and nephews before purchasing gifts. Those children were 6 once, yes. But they are now in college and do not want a JoJo Siwa hair bow anymore. JoJo Siwa does not even want a JoJo Siwa hair bow anymore.

ACTUALLY SHOPPING FOR MYSELF SHOPPER

Is this you? Are you strolling local boutiques under the guise of shopping for a dad (sweater that says DAD) but actually leaving with bags of items for yourself (nail polish kit, discount fall decorations, yet one more plant)? You're good. Just be careful with the car on the way out, lest you check two boxes.


----------



## DanKrager

What's worse than being arrested for indecent exposure?

Being let go for lack of evidence.

DanK


----------



## rad457




----------



## MSquared

Ain't that the truth!!


----------



## rad457




----------



## MSquared

Oh man, yes!!


----------



## rad457

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . .
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass
and just cover your own !!!


----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## mtnwild

Andre, you're funny…Thank you…


----------



## BurlyBob

That was a really good one Andre.


----------



## rad457




----------



## DLK

Good one. I particularly liked the reference to Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## DS

^^^ Saddest Dad joke I've seen all year ^^^
Clamp your hams… really?
Okay now I'm laughing at it because it was pretty lame.

I guess it worked.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## MSquared

Serious 'Groaner'!!!


----------



## DLK

Was that an OSHA,HA,HA. joke?


----------



## rad457

Or Scotch!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## rad457

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?''Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says :
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now..'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says :
'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 305-486-5731 ?'
No, I think you have the wrong number…..


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## MSquared

That's my Congressman without the cheesy 'rug'!!!


----------



## MSquared

*Happy, Healthy and Safe New Year to all !!!*


----------



## rad457

Or Workshop


----------



## Bonka

Two friends met for breakfast. One asked his buddy, "You had a date night, how was it?" His pal replied, not very good." "What was the problem?" "She had mortgage eyes." "Mortgage eyes?" "Ya, one fixed and one variable."


----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## DanKrager

I try not to sexualize everything.

It's really hard.

DanK


----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## Dark_Lightning

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest…
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457




----------



## DanKrager

That's no joke, Andre! LOL If only I were half the man my dog thinks I am….

My Norwegian woodworking mentor used to say "When one door closes, another one opens."

Really nice gentleman. Terrible cabinetmaker.

DanK


----------



## CaptainKlutz

Only 1 month!!!


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## rad457

What is the joke Kent? I have that Kit sitting next to the shop door awaiting assembly right now
On a trip to Mexico I bought a small slab of Parota ( Guanacaste) they wrote out the receipt as Wood table top:!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## BurlyBob

If that ain't the truth!


----------



## DanKrager

I am SO thrilled! I finally got to shake hands with the guy who invented single ply toilet paper.

DanK


----------



## MSquared

Blech!!!


----------



## bigblockyeti

Works best at cocktail parties.


----------



## DS

There are a handful of ways to make "big bucks" in woodworking, but, it is a lot of work and requires lots of discipline and some luck as well.


----------



## drsurfrat

How do you make a small fortune (woodworking)? Start with a large fortune.


----------



## DS

Hahaha! 98.5% of the time, that is sooo true!


----------



## Novamr99

I know a guy who makes "Big Bucks " in woodworking.

He carves large deer with a chainsaw.


----------



## 280305




----------



## bigblockyeti

^ Man, that'd be funny if the guberment hadn't so incentivized that very thing to happen.


----------



## rad457




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## Dark_Lightning

^ Silly cartoons can show anything.


----------



## bigblockyeti

> ^ Silly cartoons can show anything.
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


Kinda like Andy Borowitz.


----------



## Ark68SS

> - CaptainKlutz


I resemble that. Kinda like the fat guy with the glasses, but I still have my pinkie finger and a little more of the index. 
BillL


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## DanKrager

DanK


----------



## Bonka




----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## rad457




----------



## MrRon

A drunk stumbles into a bar and asks for a drink. Not having any money, the bartender refuses to serve him. The drunk says, "I gotta have a drink". In order to get rid of the drunk the bartender comes up with an idea. He says to the drunk; see that spittoon; well drink from it and I will give you a drink. The drunk picks up the spittoon and starts to drink from it. Everyone in the bar are getting sick watching the drunk drinking from the spittoon and the bartender says to STOP; you can have the drink. The drunk continues to drink until the spittoon is empty. The bartender who is sick at the sight asks the drunk; "why didn't you stop when I asked you to stop" The drunk replied, I couldn't stop because it was all in one piece.


----------



## BurlyBob

That's enough to gag a maggot!


----------



## KentInOttawa

This sounds about right.


----------



## CaptainKlutz

The Special 2's Day has Arrived!!!!


----------



## LeeRoyMan

> The Special 2 s Day has Arrived!!!!
> 
> - CaptainKlutz


And….. for the rest of the month, the days will be Palindromes


----------



## KentInOttawa

I mean, seriously now. Who holds a saw like that, anyway?


----------



## DS

This morning, I told my wife she needed to start buying butter at Walmart instead of Costco.
When she asked why, I said, "Because it costs 300 dollars less!"

I swear I can't get out of Costco for less than $100, no matter what I went in there for.


----------



## bigblockyeti

> This morning, I told my wife she needed to start buying butter at Walmart instead of Costco.
> When she asked why, I said, "Because it costs 300 dollars less!"
> 
> I swear I can't get out of Costco for less than $100, no matter what I went in there for.
> 
> - DS


Yep, just got home, needed paper towels, brocolli, coffee and contact solution. What should have been $40 somehow turned into $96. I wouldn't normally but was already there to buy gas for $3.199/gallon, wanted to see how it burned compared to last year's vintage at $1.299/gallon, hopefully 146% better but I'm not holding my breath.


----------



## Mike_in_STL

Diesel is over $4 now….i'll leave the acronyms out


----------



## MSquared

Hmmm. I went into HD a quite a few years back to pick up some light bulbs, etc. while I was in the area. I walked out with a Power Washer and forgot the light bulbs! Hey! My wife was with me and egged me on! It was a nice one too.


----------



## rad457




----------



## oldnovice

San Jose bay area regular gas is at $5.25 at the low cost stations but I think the cost of gas is nothing compared to the cost of lives in Ukraine!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

> San Jose bay area regular gas is at $5.25 at the low cost stations but I think the cost of gas is nothing compared to the cost of lives in Ukraine!
> 
> - oldnovice


This isn't funny, it's political, and it certainly isn't a joke.


----------



## drsurfrat

I agree, lives are more important than gas. it's not political, its philosophical.


----------



## 987Ron

self delete


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

> I agree, lives are more important than gas. it s not political, its philosophical.
> 
> - drsurfrat


Might want to tell Boeing lives are more important than greed ;((

https://www.seattletimes.com/business/boeing-aerospace/boeing-seeks-exemption-from-safety-rule-extended-for-max-10/?


----------



## DLK

Lee Iacocca famously said "Safety doesn't sell". He was wrong.


----------



## 987Ron

self delte


----------



## oldnovice

> San Jose bay area regular gas is at $5.25 at the low cost stations but I think the cost of gas is nothing compared to the cost of lives in Ukraine!
> - oldnovice
> 
> This isn t funny, it s political, and it certainly isn t a joke.
> 
> - Dark_Lightning


*It was not meant as a joke!*

It was intended to show support for the people of Ukrainia by stating that the cost of gas is insignificant to the lives being lost.

*Perhaps I put this in the wrong forum?*


----------



## MSquared

Eh! It happens! We all just need to laugh a bit these days, is all ….... )


----------



## Redoak49




----------



## DanKrager

Ironically, it's a circle…. 









DanK


----------



## KentInOttawa

On Pi day


> Ironically, it s a circle….
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> DanK
> 
> - Dan Krager


----------



## waho6o9

Have a great Pi day


----------



## TheDane

What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'


----------



## TheDane

A 74-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $400, and there's another condition."

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $400 dollars into her hand.

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."


----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## TheDane




----------



## waho6o9

LOL

Good one Gerry, thanks for the laugh


----------



## TheDane

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.

One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"It hasn't affected my brothers though."


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor

The County Fair

'Twas the 14th of September a day I'll long remember
I staggered up and down in drunken pride
Till my knees began to shudder and I fell down in the gutter
And a pig came up and lay down by my side

And as I lay there in the gutter I heard a woman utter 
" It certainly is true what they say.
You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and ran away!


----------



## MSquared

*TS* - No truer words Laddy!!


----------



## TheDane




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## BurlyBob

Gerry, I would love to see the YouTube video of that joke!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## TheDane




----------



## MSquared

Bwwaaaa! A friend of my said of retirement ; 'I don't miss the Circus, but I miss the clowns'.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

The "clowns" I worked with were essentially circling Uranus, if you catch my drift. A lot of good people, but that was offset buy a lot of bad actors. It was a happy day, when I discovered that I could retire.


----------



## MSquared

*DL* - I hear 'ya! Loud and clear! The 'clowns', in this refers to the great folks we worked with! :0))


----------



## rad457




----------



## DanKrager

Readers' Digest published this "joke" in the late 1950s and when I read it I laughed so hard and long I was turning blue. Mom got real worried! I still chuckle.

"A young soldier was about to be released from his tour of duty in the WWII arena when the war ended. Sadly, while he as away fighting for his country, his parents were killed so he had no home to return to. He decided that he would go live with his grandparents and help them with their farming. 
"Years passed and one evening at supper Grandma remarked about cleaning around all the army paraphernalia in his room all this time without knowing anything about it. She seemed particularly interested in the metal pineapples. This triggered bad memories for the soldier, but he agreed to show her the stuff and how it worked. So while she did the supper dishes, he hauled the stuff to the back porch. When the kitchen was cleaned and his stuff arranged, he proceeded to show her how they used their helmet for protection, food bowl, even wash basin. And he demonstrated how he could disassemble and reassemble his M1 blindfolded in record time. After going though each item, grandma asked again about the metal pineapples. They were on a remote farm and he figured it wouldn't hurt to show her what it did. So after a brief explanation, he pulled the pin, counted, and tossed it off the back porch with a good heave. It landed on the back slope and rolled under the outhouse door. 
KABOOM! The shattered outhouse pieces flew everywhere and the dust cloud was enormous. But through the dust clouds they saw grandpa standing there hitching up his britches and muttering to himself 'Boy! it's a good thing I didn't let that one in the kitchen!'

DanK


----------



## rad457




----------



## rad457

Some Canadian Humor.


----------



## BurlyBob

How very true!


----------



## TopamaxSurvivor




----------



## BurlyBob

Bob will you quit posting the photo of me. I'm honestly on a diet. But it ain't working!


----------



## MSquared

BBob - It's called 'ballast'.


----------



## TheDane

> Bob will you quit posting the photo of me. I m honestly on a diet. But it ain t working!
> 
> - BurlyBob


That's "relaxed muscle".


----------



## Dark_Lightning

"Table Muscle", my mom used to call it. Why she used it on us kids is a puzzle. We were all skinny as a rail, growing up.


----------



## oldnovice

A very nearsighted rabbit and a nearly blind snake ran into each other in the woods. Neither had any idea of what they had run into. The rabbit suggested that they feel all over each other to guess what the other was. The snake agreed and said "let me go first".

So the snake slid all over the rabbit, up one side and down the other. When he finally finished he said to the rabbit, "you have long ears, your nose twitches, and you have very strong rear leg muscles so must be a rabbit"!
The rabbit replied, "thanks, now it's my turn".

So the rabbit felt all over the snake and when he was done, he said to the snake, "you are slimy, scaly, have a forked tongue, and have no balls so you must be a lawyer"!


----------



## CaptainKlutz

Mythical Jeep Unicorn has been spotted outside a barn in PA:


----------



## CaptainKlutz

A PUN IS NOT FULLY MATURED, UNTIL IT IS FULL GROAN!!!


----------



## KentInOttawa

A road crew supervisor in southern Ontario hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of highway 10 heading up toward Wasaga Beach. He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background; however, he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie-Jane, told him so.

He explained to Herb, that his workday would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.

After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8-hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Herb, that he did an excellent job, and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised because, on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8-hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.

"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Herb?"

"Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can."


----------



## oldnovice

*^Kent*, that one got me!


----------



## 987Ron




----------



## Bonka

Exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" 
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over ManlyBeach.
Tower (Female voice): "Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I'm going to have to hold you over the Manly area." 
Cessna WYXD: "I love it when you talk dirty to me."

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." 
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?" 
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f…ing bored!" 
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" 
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." 
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this…I've got the little Fokker in sight." 
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" 
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" 
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English" 
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "American 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124..7" 
Eastern 702: "Tower, American 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." 
Tower: "Delta 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702. Contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" 
Continental 635: "Delta 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied American. We've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
A quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" 
The Cherokee pilot came back with: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at FrankfurtAirport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway." 
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." 
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. 
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" 
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." 
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" 
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark-and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" 
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" 
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz

I have 2 unwritten rules.
1.
2.


----------



## DLK

Nice. I think I'll name my next dog Peeve, so that I can have a pet peeve


----------



## CaptainKlutz

That's me on the right, a little Son of a Beech!


----------



## MSquared

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## oldnovice

Nice one *Kent*, I think I need some of these!


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Bees are allergic to pollen. If they get into enough of it they end up with hives.


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## CaptainKlutz

My son told me a Dad joke yesterday:

How do we know that Trees poop in the woods?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Where do think #2 pencils come from? 

No pun is completely matured, till it is Full Groan. My son is just like his dad, Full Groan…... :-(0)


----------



## DanKrager

Did you know?

Bees must be allergic to pollen. When exposed to it, they break out in hives.

DanK


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## MSquared

*Klutz *- Thank you for posting my credo here! Many can now take heed. Haven't had fresh wounds in a couple of decades! (unless self-inflicted!)


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## MSquared

Aaaaaannndd…............It's a double! Thanks guys! )


----------



## oldnovice

If you dress like a cowboy, is that ranch dressing?


----------



## TheDane




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz

Nothing to worry about:
It was light purple Black Cherry flavored cotton candy. :-(0)


----------



## MSquared

Oh poo!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## 64guruman

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.

It was the least I could do for him.


----------



## MSquared

Good man!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Dark_Lightning

^ lol

I taught at a private school for a couple years. One of the kids came and knocked on the door to my office, so I stood in front of the door (on the inside), and said, "Let me out!". Kid was pretty puzzled, based on his expression. It helps to keep a deadpan face when you open the door, as if nothing crazy had actually just happened.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## DanKrager

*A Doctor* talking to his patient; I've got bad news and worst news.

*Patient;* Oh hell, give me the bad news first.

*Dr.*; You've got cancer and only have one day to live.

*Patient*; What could be worse than that???

*Dr.*; I should have called you yesterday.

A man goes for the results of his checkup. 
Doctor says I got good news and bad news. 
Give me the bad news first. 
Ok, you have a new strain of TB. It's incurable. 
What's the good news? 
The cancer we found seems to be killing it.

DanK


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## DanKrager

Wife buys a dozen underwear all the same color for hubby.
Hubby protests. "Why buy me all the same color? People will think I never change underwear!" 
"Which people?" 
(total silence)

DanK


----------



## Dark_Lightning

^ That guy at the next urinal…


----------



## MSquared

*DL *- Yes!! Gotta think quick!!


----------



## bigblockyeti

Nah, go the other way and quickly respond; "Chastity, Amethyst, Candy, Cherish, Elektra, Desire & Alexis"


----------



## CaptainKlutz

It is that time of year again!


----------



## KentInOttawa

> It is that time of year again!
> 
> - CaptainKlutz


That is just begging for a comment about metric. ;-)

I mean, if you want to go 38 in a 110 zone, fill yer boots princess.


----------



## dv8eod

Bob and Jim were out fishing, mostly in silence, when Bob suddenly spoke up.

"Think I might divorce my wife. She hasn't talked to me in two months," he said.

Jim looked up, nodded, reeled in his line and cast again.

Then he turned to Bob and said, "Careful. Women like her are hard to find."


----------



## splintergroup

Thinking about the "boom boom boom" from the far away neighbors loud music, I am reminded of this old one:

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, "Is that anything to worry about?"

"No," said the wise man, "Drums not bad. Only bad when drums stop."

As they pushed farther into the jungle, the drumming gradually grew louder and faster.

*DUM-pum. DUM-pum. DUM-pum. DUM-pum.*

The Englishman felt uneasy and prodded the guide, "Are you quite sure that's all right?"

"Yes," the wise man assured him, "Drums not bad. But when drums stop…very bad."

Farther in, wading through the thickets and bogs of the deepest, darkest jungle, they could hear the drumming becoming more urgent.

*BUM-chika-chika. BUM-chika-chika. BUM-chika-chika.*

Before long the drumming had surrounded them, sounding mere inches away, the deafening rhythm accelerating to a frantic pace.

*BUM-bakka-chika-chika-BUM-bakka-chika-chika BUM-bakka-*

Now gripped with mortal fear, the Englishman's wide eyes darted frantically in all directions, his heart racing, his body pouring sweat, when all at once the drumming ceased.

*...chika-chika BOOOM.*

Then silence.

Utterly panic-stricken, the Englishman gushed, "My God, what happens now!?"

The wise man slumped his shoulders, hung his head sadly, and moaned, "Now…bass solo."


----------



## dv8eod

We got a new bar in town, it's called The Mortise and Tenon.

It's a traditional joint.


----------



## dv8eod

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear,
a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He
says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?!?"

The doctor replies, ''You're not eating properly.'


----------



## 987Ron

Neighbor's kids drum playing bothering you? Ask him if he knew what is hidden inside a drum and hand him a picket knife.


----------



## splintergroup

Actually a great tactic for exes that hate each other. Give the kid a drum set, but tell them that they need to keep it at Mom's house.


----------



## dv8eod

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 
And that's when the fight started…
_
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." 
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" 
"Nah, she can order for herself." 
And that's when the fight started…..
__
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" 
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since." 
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?" 
And then the fight started…
_
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
__
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?" 
I said, "Dust." 
And then the fight started…
_
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential 
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." 
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" 
And that's how the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." 
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started…...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started…
_
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's "dang" near perfect." 
And then the fight started….....
_
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
_
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" 
And that's when the fight broke out!
__
My wife was looking at her boobs in the mirror and she asked me about getting implants. I told her to just rub toilet paper between them every day and they'll get bigger.
"Will that really work?" 
"It worked for your butt." was my reply.
And that's how the fight started.


----------



## dv8eod

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted
her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with
them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
with a twenty dollar bill in it. The little girl took this home to her
mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that
they take her first pay to the bank and open an account with it.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew
building a house all week." 
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again next week too?""I will if those useless idiots at the lumber yard ever bring us the @#&%
wood," replied the little girl.

Judges in Colorado were having trouble in divorces deciding who would get the marijuana. Then they started issuing joint custody.

Joined a dating site for arsonists.
They send me new matches every week.

An exhibitionist was going to retire but changed his mind.
He decided to stick it out for another year.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay, for the 10th time.

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool
teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by
playing a game in which they identified animals.
"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it
is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees." 
The children looked at her blankly.
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns." 
No response. This wasn't going well at all!
"I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red." 
Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good
about coming up with the answers.
"Michelle, what do you think?" 
Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the
answer has to be Jesus-but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"


----------



## dv8eod

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, and private investigator and a psychiatrist.

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" 
The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. 
But he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely, she's old enough for a straight answer. 
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." 
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief. 
"By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

Two Ladies meet in the afterlife:

1st woman:
Hi. Wanda!

2nd woman:
Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: 
I froze to death.

2nd woman:
How horrible!

1st woman:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful
death. What about you?

2nd woman:
I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the
act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman:
I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran
up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I
went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in
the freezer-we'd both still be alive.

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. 
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. 
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. 
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down and found the stranger waiting. 
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. 
"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. 
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. 
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. 
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." 
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. 
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. 
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" 
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## drsurfrat

What's wrong with this picture?


----------



## 280305

"EVERKINK"

Perfect.


----------



## KentInOttawa

> What s wrong with this picture?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - drsurfrat





> "EVERKINK"
> 
> Perfect.
> 
> - ChuckV


I was thinking that it was the kink created by the packaging.


----------



## 280305

Yup - it comes pre-kinked and is built to stay that way!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Bonka

A Scout came riding fast into Custer's camp. I've got good news and bad news. What's the bad news asked Custer. There are 10,000 Indians over that ridge and ready to attack.
What's the good news ask Custer. We won't be going back to North Dakota replied the Scout.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## 987Ron

I know I shouldn't have done this, but I am 76 years old and I was in the McDonald's drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line and start all over again,

Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.


----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## BurlyBob

That was a real good one Ron.


----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz

Retirement is FUM!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Dark_Lightning

I've decided to start investing in stocks- tomato, beef and chicken.

One day I'll be a bouillonaire!


----------



## 987Ron

or just in the soup.


----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## MSquared

My house!!...... I haven't been doing much cooking lately and 'teaching' my wife.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz

Happy Monday!










.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## JayT




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## TopamaxSurvivor




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## DanKrager

You screwed that up….

DanK


----------



## Dark_Lightning

He was probably hammered.


----------



## 987Ron

He's finished now.


----------



## MSquared

He must be board.


----------



## Novamr99

That's the Plane truth.


----------



## 987Ron

I think we have polished this off.


----------



## Mike_in_STL

I think it might need to be refinished.


----------



## splintergroup

Everyone seems to be waxing poetically with their chiseled jaws and sometimes abrasive chatter.

Need to cut through the thin veneer, drill down and get a rough cut of the statements and the glue binding everyone's comments and craftiness. no more boxing it all up into a bunch of shorts. Layout your true feelings and build it all up to something that can join everyone together so we don't all go against the grain.
Don't clamp it up now!


----------



## Mike_in_STL

But how do we dovetail the conversation together?


----------



## MikeB_UK

Just wedge yourself in and pin it down Mike


----------



## Bonka

I saw it coming.


----------



## MSquared

On the level?


----------



## 64guruman

I think this is done and dusted.


----------



## Dark_Lightning

Time to vacuum up the dust…


----------



## CaptainKlutz

And now for a different topic:


----------



## bigblockyeti

> And now for a different topic:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> - CaptainKlutz


Doesn't that roll around every 4 years between July & November?


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## MSquared

Dang! It was just getting tapered down to get a handle on it!


----------



## DanKrager

DanK


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## KentInOttawa

> - CaptainKlutz


42


----------



## Bonka

I didn't capture all of the pic. The caption was "When side rails are too expensive."


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## bigblockyeti

> I didn t capture all of the pic. The caption was "When side rails are too expensive."
> 
> - Gerald Thompson


I would think it would be more along the lines of "If your truck doesn't burn enough fuel or handles too well or stops too quickly or has too high of a resale value or rides too nice or tows too safely - Do this"


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## bigblockyeti




----------



## oldnovice

Went to get some blood drawn for my next checkup and I asked the tech if she liked her work even though it's all in vein? She missed my vein and had to get a new needle.


----------



## TheDane




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## BurlyBob

That's a good one Capt.


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## dv8eod

Island Names

Canary Islands- There are no canaries on the Canary Islands
Virgin Islands- 
Yep. There are no canaries there either…......


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## MSquared

ROY!!!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## BurlyBob

And that's when the fight started!


----------



## MSquared

Being a sarcastic husband to a sensitive wife gets me me in trouble frequently. And yes, I'll never 'learn' that lesson. Life's too short. )


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## KentInOttawa

Wooden it be nice if English was consistent?


----------



## DLK

Nice!

My favorite is:

Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana


----------



## Bonka

Oh Lord, Oh God, Oh No!


----------



## TheDane

An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.

As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance… Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.

The old woman prospector-not wanting to get her toe blown off-started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's butt."

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am… But I've always wanted to.

There are five lessons here for all of us:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## 280305

Somebody needs to tell her that collecting an alligator's urine doesn't kill it


----------



## WoodES

> Somebody needs to tell her that collecting an alligator s urine doesn t kill it
> 
> - ChuckV


Although it may hard on those who hold the specimen cup….


----------



## 987Ron

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle

please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.


----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## TheDane




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## bigblockyeti

I wonder exactly what Mrs. Vaughn performed to earn that title.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz

New forum software allows GIFS? Yeah, been saving this one a long time.


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## BurlyBob

Yeah, Me Too!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## Dark_Lightning

I was at the bookstore and saw a book about how to solve 50% of your problems, do I bought 2 copies. Now, I can solve 75% of my problems!


----------



## KentInOttawa

Dark_Lightning said:


> I was at the bookstore and saw a book about how to solve 50% of your problems, do I bought 2 copies. Now, I can solve 75% of my problems!


That will actually work.


----------



## xeddog

Dark_Lightning said:


> I was at the bookstore and saw a book about how to solve 50% of your problems, do I bought 2 copies. Now, I can solve 75% of my problems!


What if your problem is that you buy too many books?


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## DanKrager




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Bonka

CaptainKlutz said:


> View attachment 3854304





CaptainKlutz said:


> View attachment 3857100


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Bonka




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## rad457




----------



## Dark_Lightning

rad457 said:


> View attachment 3857700


Truer as my life goes on.


----------



## DanKrager

Woodworking motivation at its finest.....


----------



## rad457




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## TheDane

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## builtinbkyn




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## builtinbkyn

A friends tired old joke when someone says to him "See you later." - *"It's better to be seen than viewed."* Think about it


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## MSquared

I'm very glad you're keeping up the Grumpy tradition! It's needed here. I wonder what he'd have to say about all this? Something pragmatic I'd guess......


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Dark_Lightning




----------



## Bonka

Dark_Lightning said:


> View attachment 3860246


----------



## Foghorn

Q: What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

A: Ironman is a superhero and Ironwoman is a simple instruction! (running away now)


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## WoodES




----------



## Brit

An old man was walking home from the shops carrying two heavy bags of groceries. Feeling a little out of breath, he sat down on a wall by the side of the road for a rest. After a couple of minutes, a council van pulled up and a blonde girl got out and proceeded to dig a big hole right in front of him. When she'd finished, she got back in her van and drove off. Five minutes later, another council van pulled up, a different blonde girl got out and started filling the hole back in again. The old man's curiosity got the better of him, so he asked her what she was doing. The girl laughed and said, "I know it must seem a bit strange, normally we're a three blonde team, but the girl who plants the trees phoned in sick today."


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## KentInOttawa

I hate days like that.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## WoodES




----------



## CaptainKlutz

Happy Turkey Day!
View media item 125
View media item 124
View media item 123
View media item 121
View media item 120
View media item 119
View media item 116


----------



## waho6o9

Enjoy the weekend everybody.


----------



## DanKrager

Sam & Morris met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Morris didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Morris hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Morris lived, so was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Morris, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Morris! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Morris, what in the world happened to you?
Morris replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Morris said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day, she knew I had money, and she filed r*pe charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded 'Guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury’


----------



## John Smith_inFL

Gentlemen - with the recent rash of gun violence all over our country this week, please keep the reference of firearms and violence out of the forums. This is a period of Grace, Thanksgiving and family get-togethers for the Holiday Season. (although some are humorous, they are not appropriate at this time).
Thank you.


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## woodnek




----------



## Redoak49




----------



## recycle1943

John Smith_inFL said:


> Gentlemen - with the recent rash of gun violence all over our country this week, please keep the reference of firearms and violence out of the forums. This is a period of Grace, Thanksgiving and family get-togethers for the Holiday Season. (although some are humorous, they are not appropriate at this time).
> Thank you.


this is a JOKE forum for crying' out loud


----------



## GR8HUNTER

recycle1943 said:


> this is a JOKE forum for crying' out loud


no joke is allowed here Dick 🥺


----------



## CaptainKlutz

John Smith_inFL said:


> Gentlemen - with the recent rash of gun violence all over our country this week, please keep the reference of firearms and violence out of the forums. This is a period of Grace, Thanksgiving and family get-togethers for the Holiday Season. (although some are humorous, they are not appropriate at this time).
> Thank you.


Since this is joke thread, shall make my response as funny as possible:


----------



## John Smith_inFL

I find nothing funny about gun violence - all I asked is to keep the topic of firearms and violence out of the forums. (all of them). is that asking too much ? Surely to Goodness, you guys have some other topics that are knee slapping funny.
Even poking at me, I find that rather amusing.


----------



## RichT

Pouring fuel on the fire.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## Redoak49

I am not certain if I am allowed to.disagree with an administrator in this case. If this is an official requirement as in the TOS then I can not comment. If it is a request from a member then a different matter.


----------



## 987Ron

Perhaps administer members should indicate if they are commenting as a member or as an administrator. No hiding behind the administer tag.


----------



## John Smith_inFL

Ron - (and everyone else) my anti-violence was from me personally - not VS of any kind.
My daughters best friend was shot in the face recently and killed by her ex-boyfriend. She was as close to my family as our own daughter. The Central Florida area is so full of gun violence it makes you sick. This is NOT about rights to carry and all that stuff. The shooting in WalMart just hit me close to home. Yes, I take it personally and I guess I express my feelings wrong sometimes. Ya'll just go on about your fun and I'll stay out of this thread.


----------



## 987Ron

John, I understand you sensitivity and the loss your family has suffered. However my comment was and is about knowing the comments status. Is it discussable or not. Lets be fair.


----------



## LeeRoyMan

I think it was a misuse of authority.


----------



## Redoak49

John sorry about your personal loss. But these are confusing times with you and other administrators taking various actions which are sometimes not popular. We have also been told that arguing with administrators to be a violation of the TOS and one could be banned. Your comments while understandable were confusing as to their authority and meaning.


----------



## John Smith_inFL

and with that, I deeply apologize for the confusion. you all are free to discuss whatever you want in any context. I do not take your feedback personal or consider it arguing, confrontational or anything else. From a personal standpoint, I would like for it to just away and you guys can get back to sharing humorous stories.


----------



## RichT

John Smith_inFL said:


> Ron - (and everyone else) my anti-violence was from me personally


So you're projecting your loss on us and limiting our free speech? Discussions regarding firearms are not mentioned in the Terms of Use, so I assume they are open for discussion.

Yet you, John Smith, "Administrator," deny us the right to speak freely because it hurts your feelings?

Who do you think you are?


----------



## corelz125

There is no free speech on this site. Free Larry!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## recycle1943

KentInOttawa said:


> View attachment 3862091


I can't believe the fit and finish - outstanding job on this. are you a professional craftsman ? if not you should be, this is a dynamite pallet. Good Job


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## WoodES

Happy Holidays!

Skip to 2:07 for the enjoyable rendition....


----------



## WoodES

Those Germans are at it again...

Official World Record! Fantastic Classical Music Medley played by a Train | Miniatur Wunderland - YouTube


----------



## MSquared

OY!!


----------



## CaptainKlutz




----------



## phildupreez

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.


----------



## DougC

*An old Doberman* starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep ******************** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says........

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull ******************** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.


----------



## Bonka




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## phildupreez

Out of Africa .................

.


----------



## KentInOttawa




----------



## phildupreez




----------



## phildupreez




----------



## KentInOttawa




----------

