# Oh, yee of little faith - hear this!



## boboswin (May 23, 2007)

I notice there are a number of practicing Christians here so I thought this little smile might help cheer you up as well a perhaps scare the rest of us. <g>

*An atheist was walking through the woods. *

"What majestic trees"! 
"What powerful rivers"! 
"What beautiful animals"! 
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. 
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" 
Time Stopped. 
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? 
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice. 
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 
*"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen." *


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## rikkor (Oct 17, 2007)

Amen.


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## pyromedic602 (Feb 20, 2008)

Amen. I loved it.


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## sbryan55 (Dec 8, 2007)

Thanks Bob. You made my day.


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## Tikka (May 14, 2007)

Most excellent


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## Alphie (Jan 13, 2008)

Hilarious. Thanks.


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## TheCaver (Nov 21, 2007)

I sure wish that people would keep their religious views in church rather than on hobbyist forums.

I wonder how you would feel if I suggested that a priest should be killed in the name of atheism. I find it shocking how people are allowed to spew their religious beliefs at will yet expect some boundary to be honored because of their belief system, whether it be God, Jesus, Allah, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Please refrain from posting this crap in the future….

Thanks,

JC


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## matt1970 (Mar 28, 2007)

I thought it was funny….regardless of my views. Coffee lounge is to expand beyong woodworking…to get to know each other…in other ways…does not give the green light to offend anyone…but of course what offends some wont offend others…so I understand why JC may be upset…but…i think if we cant laugh together and talk about life…we might as well not come together at all…just my two cents…


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## PanamaJack (Mar 28, 2007)

Can I get you to shout Halleluiah for me?? Amen y'all!

Nice one Bob. One needs it on a Monday sometimes.

You know if you don't like it, you don't have to read it…..


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## boboswin (May 23, 2007)

JC you missed the intent and the context of the original post , perhaps because you cant read or just didn't comprehend.
Go back to the first sentence and have somebody read it to you.

Bob


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## jcees (Dec 31, 2007)

I think I'll change my initials after reading TheCaver's response. And they say Christians have no sense of humor! And while I don't think it's anyone's business what I believe, I will just this once to tell you what I don't believe. I don't believe any form of intolerance will make anyone a better woodworker.

always,
B.L. Zeebub
aka the artist formerly known as J.C.


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## saddlesore (Oct 17, 2007)

The nice thing about forums, is, if you don't like a post, you can just pass it by. Go back to your cave JC, stay in my life Jesus Christ.


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## MsDebbieP (Jan 4, 2007)

points of view come from all directions..


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## BroDave (Dec 16, 2007)

I find it incredible that the mention of Christianity can infuriate someone who claims there is no God.
I agree with you Tom, and Bob #2


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## forkboy (Jan 24, 2008)

while anti-atheist jokes aren't really to my liking, this is the "coffee lounge" jc.. so I guess its fine.. although, I'm not sure how an anti-Christian joke would go down  probably should chill though jc, you are giving us atheists a bad name


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## Tangle (Jul 21, 2007)

I'm Mormon. Want to hear a few Mormon jokes? I collect them. Good joke, Bob. If you don't like it, leave it. But I don't care who you are, don't try to tell some one to shut up on this forum. Got it?


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## motthunter (Dec 31, 2007)

A forum is a place for sharing opinions, even ones that I may or may not agree with. I recognize that we have Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, and others in this group, and some may be offended by postings that do or do not have religious connotations.

The only postings that I would object to would be ones that purposely insult or threaten others with malice. When I see a posting that has nothing to do with me, I just walk on to the next one that does.


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## RAH (Oct 14, 2007)

I was not brought up with any religion, I believe in the good of people and thats why I like this site, all you people are good. If I don't like it I walk on, I thought it was funny. Some people look to be offended so they can complain, I look for the good in people so I can compliment.


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## Russel (Aug 13, 2007)

"Some people look to be offended so they can complain, I look for the good in people so I can compliment."

Well said Ron.


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## roman (Sep 28, 2007)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". 
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." 
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." 
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" 
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" 
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that one of my kids does something wrong and makes me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." 
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." 
"Yes," the class said. 
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" 
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 
"Take only ONE . God is watching." 
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


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## boboswin (May 23, 2007)

I would never have posted this little smile had I thought for an instant that it would hurt anyone's feeling or incite anyone to react in a negative manner.
It is a woodworking forum and the topics are for the most part wood related. As a matter of fact this place has an enviable group of fine craftsmen and women and a load of excellent information along with step by step procedures.

It also seems to have a "coffee lounge" where one expects to relax a bit and get to know each other.
Amusing stories about life's journey abound in our culture and rarely are they pointed to injure other people.

(I am leaving out racist remarks and deliberate promiscuous religious debating)
We all know they bring no joy.

I thought my joke was one of those depicting one of life's journeys and had a unique twist or double intend at the end. Quite frankly it has no religous connotation but deals with the philosophical question of the universe. *( The prescence or absence of a diety)*

My apologies to any one that felt hurt by this.
I will probably keep posting things that make me smile here just as I keep posting woodworking information.
I will continue to apologise for both I guess.

Bob


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## Radish (Apr 11, 2007)

Bob, you are 8889 posts behind Debbie, you better post faster. You won't be able to keep up if you have to constantly apologize.


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## Chipncut (Aug 18, 2006)

I give you an *A+* for your humor, Bob.

The area I live, is abundant with ethnic jokes,

& the people get along great.


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## MsDebbieP (Jan 4, 2007)

I rarely look to see where something is posted ( blog, project, technical forum, coffee lounge) and when I see something like this I think "Oh.. coffee lounge…. just some funnin' around" and then I choose whether I want to read on or not. (Usually read something at least once and decide whether I'll come back or not to read the comments.


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## TheCaver (Nov 21, 2007)

Bob, I appreciate very much your last post. Just for the record, I am not offended in any way by the original post, though I am a 'militant' atheist, a term coined by Richard Dawkins, not meant to be taken literally.

As many have said, sure this is the lounge and sometimes outer interests get discussed on the site, of course I have no issue with that. My point of contention is that discussion of religious always tends to incite non-resolving debate and makes a LOT of people uncomfortable. Mostly because, IMHO, religiousness tends to believe that it must spread itself, whereas most atheists just go about their lives not thinking that they have to convert other folks or 'spread fear' as you mention in the OP.

In any case, it takes a man to post what you did in your last post and not jump on the bandwagon and continue to bash others beliefs. You took a moment to recognize other peoples feelings and in todays world, thats a remarkable thing which I salute you for. I understand that it was not your intention to cause harm or disruption, and I in turn apologize for my scathing reply to such.

Warmest regards,

JC


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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

True, this is the lounge and as such it is here for discussion of things other than woodworking. Opinions, and beliefs are as varied and abundant as types of wood and techniques to work it. So now that everyone has kissed and made up I can put my tinfoil hat on and get into my clown suit so I can worship the god that lives in the old coffee can in my garage..


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## Harold (Nov 13, 2007)

Wait a minute! Thos is Mormon?


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## pineknot (Feb 9, 2008)

Bob and JC

I commend you both for your latest posts on this thread. One reason why this website is so great.


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## rikkor (Oct 17, 2007)

…whereas most atheists just go about their lives not thinking that they have to convert other folks or 'spread fear'…

I am not trying to continue a war here, but I have to take exception to that statement. Atheists are going so far as to try to take "In God We Trust", the national motto off the money, prevent the use of the word "Christmas" at Christmas, remove "Under God" from the pledge of allegiance, and many other attempts to impose their beliefs on everyone regardless of *their* beliefs.


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## MarkE (Feb 26, 2008)

I believe those are constitutional issues, not religious issues. The folks trying to remove those religious references are not necessarily atheists, they are the ACLU.


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## MsDebbieP (Jan 4, 2007)

yah, let's not start a war. That wouldn't be fun


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## Ageingwood (Dec 8, 2007)

rikkor : You have posted exactly my thoughts on this. I say this is the reason the world is 
in the mess it is. No discipline in schools or at home . Religion can not even be talked of in schools.
The pledge of allegiance leaves out under god if they even bother with it. As a vet all this disturbers 
me terribly ! Guess I`m just the wrong generation . As for above post, We all need a bit of humor 
now and then . I enjoy the stories and see no reason for anyone to take affence .

Ageingwood


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## TheCaver (Nov 21, 2007)

Thanks for that clarification Mark.

This country was NOT founded on Christianity, if you believe that, or if you don't know that In God We Trust was added to our money during the cold war, well after this country was founded by SECULARISTS. I also suggest you read any of our founding fathers books…while some of them were theists, the majority could be classified as aetheist. Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Thomas Paine, John Adams, etc.

"As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion" 
-George Washington, Treaty of Tripoli

Add to that list later in history, Abe Lincoln, Ben Franklin, Susan Anthony, and MANY others who have had a tremendous impact on this country….

Indeed, let's not get into that argument. I have spent many years researching and reading on this topic (from both sides)....I wager from the above statements that not even a simple Google search was performed before commenting….

Regards,

JC


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## naperville (Jan 28, 2008)

Soo, a woman walks into a bar. She has had the worst day and wants to relax with a drink before the commute (train ride) home. The only other people in the bar are the bartender and a guy at the end of the bar. Wanting a little company, she sat next to the guy and asked what he was drinking. "Magic beer" he says. Suprised, she asks "what is magic beer?" The man says "I'll show you". He takes a swig of his beer and walks over to the door and leaps into the air and flies down the street and back. He lands in the doorway, walks over to his stool, sits down next to the woman and says "that is magic beer"!
Completely flabergasted, the woman says "bartender, I want a magic beer". He pours it and slides it down to her, where upon she guzzles half of it down and runs to the doorway. In a rather animated gesture, she swings her arms back, then forward and leaps into the air… and then slams down onto the concrete sidewalk.
Shaking his head, the bartender leans over to the man and says, "you know, your a real jerk when you drink, Superman".

Get ready for all the people to complain about superman jokes… hehe

Tom


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## naperville (Jan 28, 2008)

BTW… In God we trust… all others pay cash!


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## juniorjock (Feb 3, 2008)

I'm not taking any sides on this topic and sure don't want to get in the middle ….... but, the way I see it. A joke…. is a joke. And the majority of jokes are going to upset someone… some where.


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## lazyfiremaninTN (Jul 30, 2007)

as the famous Rodney King once said…... CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG ?


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## Recycler (Feb 4, 2008)

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a transvestite all walk into a tool store…


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## MsDebbieP (Jan 4, 2007)

I've got a great "My name is…" joke but you really have to see the facial features to appreciate it… 
so I can't add to the jokes.


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## boboswin (May 23, 2007)

Well, now that we are all on the same Pages! <vbg>

Bob


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## lazyfiremaninTN (Jul 30, 2007)

A blonde calls 911 screaming that her house is on fire

The dispatcher asks her, "Ma'am, how do we get to you house"

And the blonde said, "Duh, In the big red truck".


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## Karson (May 9, 2006)

Bob and all. A laugh a day keeps the frowns away. Keep them coming. This web site was predicated on us all becoming family. We share in all things. The good and the bad. And we have fun.

Keep the fun coming.

And Thomas we welcome Mormons here also, I used to be an RLDS.


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## PanamaJack (Mar 28, 2007)

Only Beautifull people on LumberJocks need apply.


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## HallTree (Feb 1, 2008)

I am a Christian and I like to hear what woodworkers have to say about themselves. It gives me a better understanding of them when we are sharing our thoughts about a woodworking project, etc. We all are different and I think we can all agree to disagree and still enjoy the common bond we have in woodworking.


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## jcees (Dec 31, 2007)

Alright, I'll bite AGAIN. Being I was raised in an evangelical household [insert facial tic], here's one that other Southern Baptists might appreciate.

How many Baptists do you take fishing with you?

Two.

If you take just one, he'll drink all of your beer. If you take two, they won't drink any!

always,
J.C.

P.S. Religions are paradigms through which an adherent uses to view the world. Like a picture frame. True believers unfortunately sometimes adopt the smallest frames. So whether you're a deist, theist or just confused, check the size of thine own frame AND understand that your frame [of reference] is just that.


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## rikkor (Oct 17, 2007)

Disclaimer: This is a joke, not intended to influence anyones personal beliefs.

Why do Baptists not make love standing up?
They are afraid someone might see them and think they are dancing.


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## Dadoo (Jun 23, 2007)

Dad told me long ago that there are two things in life that you should never argue about…Religion and Politics. I think now that, his reasons were because either one opens up a major can of worms, with both resulting in a never ending conflict.

One thing for certain though is that we are all 100% on board with this forum. We're here because it's fun, and really…that's all that counts. So keep the jokes coming guys.

Unfortunately my head is in the gutter and all I can think of right now are dirty jokes. Since we have kids present, I'll hold off on those.


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## Recycler (Feb 4, 2008)

Dadoo-- do you know any dirty religious jokes involving politicians?


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## rikkor (Oct 17, 2007)

I don't know… is "dirty" and "politicians" redundant?


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)




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## boboswin (May 23, 2007)

Now, yer gonna get it Mr. T. <g>

Bob


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## Obi (Oct 19, 2006)

This is too funny. And for the record… God doesn't believe in Athiests.

Yet Jesus died for them… that's kind of ironic.


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## ShannonRogers (Jan 11, 2008)

Thanks all, I needed a good laugh. Mr Trim, I love it…my wife probably wouldn't, but I love it!


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)

in case anyone needs it the volume button is in the lower left hand corner !! lol


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)

A nun badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a
> local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud
> conversation, and every once in a while the lights would
> turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would
> erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun,
> the room went dead silent.
> 
> She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use
> the restroom?" 
> 
> The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there
> is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig
> leaf." 
> 
> "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the
> nun.
> 
> So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
> restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the
> whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud
> round of applause.
> 
> She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't
> understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went
> to the restroom?" 
> 
> "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
> "Would you like a drink?" 
> 
> "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
> 
> "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts
> the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."


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## lazyfiremaninTN (Jul 30, 2007)

That is funny Mr T. funny I say.


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## JJackson (Mar 23, 2007)

Well, I'll tell you I am a Christian and I live by the word of the Bible. Sometimes its not easy, but I do.

Every morning at my home, we make coffee. I woke my wife up yesterday and said "honey, get up its your turn to make coffee".
She replied by saying, "I was reading my bible today and its states in the bible that I don't have to make coffee anymore".
She then said, "by the way, I am not making coffee anymore in the morning because the bible states that its your job, not mine".
Remind you that this debate is going on at 4:45 am.
I got up and made coffee and 40 minutes later she came out to have coffee.
I said to her "get your bible and show me where it says you don't have to make coffee anymore".
She got her bible out and flipped to a certain book and said "here you go, right there".

I looked down and she pointed to the book *"HEBREW"! *

I don't care what religion you are, that is funny!!!


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## motthunter (Dec 31, 2007)

I agree to disagree but I won't say with who…


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)

*GIT-R-DONE*


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## Tangle (Jul 21, 2007)

That looks dangerous!!!!


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## snowdog (Jul 1, 2007)

One day we will all be dead and very little will matter. Be nice to others do a favor for someone cut the other guy some slack. Don't drive like an assH***

I died in a dream once and the only thought I had as I died was "now I will really know what is one the other side"

Life is short, be careful, don't cut any body parts off <grin> (I wonder how a moyle would feel about that comments ) I guess no mater what you say someone will take offense <laugh>


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## roman (Sep 28, 2007)

Woman of the year…..............










KIDDING


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## roman (Sep 28, 2007)

Canadian Coast Guard


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)

i dont have any connection to this company , i just thought it was funny since my bird often says wasss-up !

http://i231.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid231.photobucket.com/albums/ee172/mr-trim/PARROTSJS_211-1.flv


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## Tangle (Jul 21, 2007)

The photo above reminds me of a story I heard a long time ago.
A tourist was driving across the reservation. On the side of the road he observed an old Indian gentleman riding along on his horse. Behind him walked a woman, obviously his wife. The tourist was incensed by this lack of sensitivity. He stopped and walked up to the the man on the horse. " Why don't you let your wife ride?" he demanded. The old fellow looked around and replied, "Wife no got horse."


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## woodsmith (Jan 7, 2008)

Bob- 
I liked your post as did many but not all. Jesus was a carpenter. The USA was founded by Christians. God gave everyone the right to serve Him or not believe in Him. It is always funny to me how people who drink want to attack me when I don't order a drink or people who don't believe in God attack me because I do. And these same people talk about tolerance? I have never tried to force my beliefs on any one but I don't think talking about what I believe should threaten anyone.


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## MsDebbieP (Jan 4, 2007)

the male/female switches is the funniest ever!!! I'm still laughing.
Dang.. I wish I knew what all my buttons were for 

Woodsmith- you are so right. Tolerance is a two-way street (or multi-road intersection). As long as someone's ACTIONS (words included) do not harm others or take away their rights (which are also not harming others) then I really have to question any judgments or ill-thoughts.

That reminds me of an online psych test I took once… Acceptance/Tolerance 98% ... exploration… 2%. 
Ha… it's all ok to me.. I've just never done any of it lol


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## Ageingwood (Dec 8, 2007)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". 
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


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## jockmike2 (Oct 10, 2006)

After losing two brothers in WWII and spending 3 years in the European theater of combat before being wounded and sent home himself at the ripe old age of 18, my Dad said he never met an atheist while in the service. I'm sure he met thousands of other troops. He saw the Normanday Landing, He was with the 99th infantry at the Battle of the Bulge and was wounded at Remagen. He said he heard guys crying for their mama or God, when they were dying, but never did they cry for nothing. mike


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## Pretzel (Feb 23, 2008)

Picking on the Indian Thos.? Can't be a Christian here, now Can't be Indian either. Can I still be a vet that fought for All of our Freedoms in America???

Through our history my ancestors & yours still speak of the time Columbus discovered My backyard!!!!!
FYI, Thanksgiving was actually a going away dinner, the pilgrims mistook our wave as an invite 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS A JOKE< SO THAT NO ONE WILL BE OFFENDED!!
SOOOOOOO< there was this indian, rabbi, atheist, & white guy…...........


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## Pretzel (Feb 23, 2008)

oops….. forgot to add the all the other ethnic groups to the joke. Please feel free to complete.


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## againstthegrain (Feb 16, 2008)

SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI once said: In all circumstances witness, when only necessary, open your mouth. Sawdust anyone??


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

Might as well chime in…...

Does anyone know the three great religious truths?

1) Jews don't see Jesus as the son of God
2) Protestants don't see the pope as the leader of Christianity.
3) Baptists don't see each other in the liquor store.

And just to add a little fuel to the fire…. For what it's worth, JC, I'm not very much on religion myself, but I look at a lot of things as questions of majority rule. If most people want "In God We Trust" printed on the money, then so be it.


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## Daibach (Mar 20, 2008)

One of my two favourite buttons says:
"I don't have a problem with God; it's his fan club I can't stand"

And to save you asking, the other one is:
"If I'd known grandchildren were so much fun I would have had them first"


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## AdMarkGuy (Jan 1, 2008)

I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight to my death for your right to say it . Thomas Paine, Founder Father.

TOLERANCE for ALL.


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## mot (May 8, 2007)

How many Lutherans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. He stands there and holds the light bulb, and the earth revolves around him.


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## Radish (Apr 11, 2007)

To each his/her own on the religious and political front. Bottom line though, it doesn't matter how small your boat is, if you've got a 50 Cal. mounted in the bow, I'm sure you get your due respect.


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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

A stripper, a rabbi, and Norm Abrams walk into a Woodcraft store…


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## Pretzel (Feb 23, 2008)

(add to above in Brad Nailor's post) Along comes Toolman Taylor and Bob Vila…....... To Be Continued


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

Bob, Tim, and Norm look at the stripper and simultaneously exclaim, "I sure would like to screw her!"

And the rabbi replies "Out of what?"

(Hope no one is offended, but I couldn't pass up the opening.)


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## mot (May 8, 2007)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…oh Charlie! Oh my!


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## SteveKorz (Mar 25, 2008)

Now THAT is some funny stuff!... I'm glad I'm not standing next to you Charlie… lol…


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

I've been struck by so many bolts all the hair is burned off the top.


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## Brad_Nailor (Jul 26, 2007)

That lightning bolt seemed to have flattened the top of your head Charlie..

Heres the punchline to the start of the joke..everyone fill in the rest on your own..
So, the Rabbi turns to Norm and says…" Planer…I don't even know her"...


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## SteveKorz (Mar 25, 2008)

One night a wife saw her husband standing over the baby's crib.

She stood watching him silently, he looked down with mixed emotions, 
disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism.

She slipped her arm around him, "Penny for your thoughts?" she whispered.

"It's amazing, how can they make a crib like that for $49.99?"

==================================================================

A guy is working on a steep roof and starts to slide down out of control.

" Help me God," he cries

A large nail catches on his overalls and stops his decent.

" Never mind God, a nails got me," he sighs with relief.


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## Treefarmer (Mar 19, 2007)

Funny joke….then the post went serious and somewhat nasty…then worked itself out….kind of like family. Not too shabby….LJ is SUCH an amazing place…..most forums I've been to would have degraded into a nasty morass of name calling and argument.

I was raised a baptist, became a dyslexic agnostic at about 14 when I stopped believing in dog. Actually, more accurately, stopped believing in organized religion. Logic and reason tell me that we've been here much longer than the bible says and that its evolution not creation that got us where we are but I can't stop hoping that someday I'll get to give my Dad a hug again.

I envy you people of faith and hope you're right. Well at least partially right. I don't plan on starting to attend church, professing my sins to a priest who probably has more than I, bowing to the east 3 times a day, or any of the rest of it. I'm just going to try and live as a good and caring man and if there is a God watching hopefully he or she will approve. The strange thing is that even if I did follow a particular religion zealously I would still be going to hell according to a large majority of the rest of humanity.

I have no problems with the words on our money or the pledge of allegiance. I still smile when I think of my very drunk friend standing on the table at our wedding as we were leaving and singing "God Bless America" and all our guests joining in. Our founding fathers were very smart to make this a secular nation but it is founded on christian values and I for one am glad for it.


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## pashley (Mar 22, 2008)

*Bob Babcock* - I'm a born again Christian. Regarding the hell issue - I don't think God puts anyone in Hell, they put themselves. I think that people that really and truly want to be with God for eternity will be, regardless of how closely they followed a religion. Conversely, those who don't want any part of God, will have that request honored as well. That's my 2 cents. Now for some comic relief:

Couple of Irishman are digging a ditch in front of a "cat" house just outside of Belfast.

They look up to see a rabbi walk in.

"Oh for shame , look at that will ya now Barney, why the poor jewish people would be ashamed to see their rabbi going into a place like that!"

The next morning, the two look up to see a minister going into the cat house.

"Oh for shame , look at that will ya now Barney, why the poor presbyterian people would be ashamed to see their minister going into a place like that!"

The third day, the two look up to see their Catholic priest going into the cat house.

"Oh for shame , look at that will ya now Barney, why that's Father O'Brien going in their, oh the shame of it all…one of the girls must be sick.

(I'm Catholic, FYI)


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## pashley (Mar 22, 2008)

I once felt compelled to built a table, and a nice, decent one, out of scrap lumber - cutoffs, misfits, stuff you'd never think to use for a good project.

I had enough of scrap maple to make it - it came out pretty well. I gave it away.

I was thinking about that table and it finally dawned on me - that what I did is a lot like what God does - takes a terrible situation, person, or event, and turns it into something wonderful. Look at Jesus' death on the cross. The killing of God, in a horrible manner, turned into the most glorious gift to man - defeating death, the devil and my own sin. Wow.


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## pashley (Mar 22, 2008)

Ok, one more joke….

I was sleeping. At 2am, I hear the doorbell ring. I go downstairs, and open the door. It's pitch black out, and my porch light is burned out.

"HELLO?" I say.

"HELLO!" someone says…a few hundred feet away.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"A push" a man replies, obviously drunk.

"Oh, walk home and sleep it off, you drunk, and don't ring my door bell again!" and I slam the door and go back to bed.

My wife asks, "Who was that?" I reply, "I don't know, some drunk, wanted a push, probably ran out of gas, or whatever. I told him to walk home!"

"You should go down there and help him! Remember the other day when your battery died, and that nice man jumped your car, and got us home?" she said.

"Well, yeah."

"Then you march right back down there, and help him now!"

So, I got back out of bed, went to the front door and opened it. I yelled into the pitch blackness " You still out there?!"

"Yeah!"

"I'm coming to help you. Where are you?!"

"Over on the swing!"


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## pashley (Mar 22, 2008)




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## ShaneS (Jan 12, 2008)

*QUOTE*Thanks for that clarification Mark.

This country was NOT founded on Christianity, if you believe that, or if you don't know that In God We Trust was added to our money during the cold war, well after this country was founded by SECULARISTS. I also suggest you read any of our founding fathers books…while some of them were theists, the majority could be classified as atheist. Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Thomas Paine, John Adams, etc.

"As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion"
-George Washington, Treaty of Tripoli

Add to that list later in history, Abe Lincoln, Ben Franklin, Susan Anthony, and MANY others who have had a tremendous impact on this country….

Indeed, let's not get into that argument. I have spent many years researching and reading on this topic (from both sides)....I wager from the above statements that not even a simple Google search was performed before commenting….

Regards,

JC *QUOTE*

This is one prayer from the "atheist" George Washington. Here is a link to copies of his prayer journal if you would like to read more of them. Also, you may want to read up on the reformation and see if the men who came to this land and founded this country, might have had a motivation in what kind of country they would like for this one to be. I did google and it is not quite the way your trying to portray it.

George Washington's prayer 
(1) Sunday Morning

Almighty God, and most merciful father, who didst command the children of Israel to offer a daily sacrifice to thee, that thereby they might glorify and praise thee for thy protection both night and day, receive, O Lord, my morning sacrifice which I now offer up to thee; I yield thee humble and hearty thanks that thou has preserved me from the danger of the night past, and brought me to the light of the day, and the comforts thereof, a day which is consecrated ot thine own service and for thine own honor. Let my heart, therefore, Gracious God, be so affected with the glory and majesty of it, that I may not do mine own works, but wait on thee, and discharge those weighty duties thou requirest of me, and since thou art a God of pure eyes, and wilt be sanctified in all who draww near unto thee, who doest not regard the sacrifice of fools, nor hear sinners who tread in thy courts, pardon, I beseech thee, my sins, remove them from thy presence, as far as the east is from the west, and accept of me for the merits of thy son Jesus Christ, that when I come into thy temple, and compass thine altar, my prayers may come before thee as incense; and as thou wouldst hear me calling upon thee in my prayers, so give me grace to hear thee calling on me in thy word, that it may be wisdom, righteousness, reconciliation and peace to the saving of the soul in the day of the Lord Jesus. Grant that I may hear it with reverence, receive it with meekness, mingle it with faith, and that it may accomplish in me, Gracious God, the good work for which thou has sent it. Bless my family, kindred, friends and country, be our God & guide this day and for ever for his sake, who ay down in the Grave and arose again for us, Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

John Adams Quotes: (more here, if you would like to read them)

"The general principles upon which the Fathers achieved independence were the general principles of Christianity…I will avow that I believed and now believe that those general principles of Christianity are as eternal and immutable as the existence and the attributes of God."
[June 28, 1813; Letter to Thomas Jefferson]

"We recognize no Sovereign but God, and no King but Jesus!"
[April 18, 1775, on the eve of the Revolutionary War after a British major ordered John Adams, John Hancock, and those with them to disperse in "the name of George the Sovereign King of England." ]

• "[July 4th] ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty."
[letter written to Abigail on the day the Declaration was approved by Congress]


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## Treefarmer (Mar 19, 2007)

I agree with you Pashley. It's men that decide what are sins. If they came from God we would all believe the same. One religion's sin is another's fervent belief. Which only brings me full circle to my own agnostic beliefs. All organized religions are the invention of man. My reference to hell is that for most religions if you don't adhere to thier beliefs they think you'll go to hell.

Its too bad a joke can't be told and just laughed at for what it is but that is where we are today. I'm actually saddened to see religion discussed…even jokingly on LJ. Regardless of whether this is the coffee lounge or not. They always cause some rancor and ill feelings. People hold there beliefs too close. It's these kind of discussions on other forums that made me decide to leave them. I hope we can all agree to leave these kind of topics alone. No reflection on you Bob. I love a joke…but you can see where this went.


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## pashley (Mar 22, 2008)

I don't think that's quite what I said, Bob, or what I meant.

I just meant to say that, those that truly love God and want to be with God, will be. Those that don't, won't be. All religions inventions of man? Well, yeah, kinda! God didn't invent a system to worship himself, LOL!

Regarding this belief that the founding fathers were secularists: I don't know how anyone could come to that conclusion. Cursory readings of what these awesome men wrote will tell you that they revered God, and sought his divine providence in their lives. Furthermore, they wanted God's blessing for this country.

Regarding the "christian nation" idea: this is not a christian nation, in the sense that it is the official religion of the country, mandated by law (as you find Islam being in some countries). However, Christianity is overwhelmingly the religion of choice for some 80% plus of Americans. We are a "christian nation" in that sense, by the numbers.


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## Grumpy (Nov 9, 2007)

Good one Bob.


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## SteveKorz (Mar 25, 2008)

God is Love. He is Love that is greater than you or I could ever experience, give, muster, create, or understand. Regardless of what you think, how you feel, or what you say will happen, God loves you very much, more than you can understand. He loves you so much that He will NEVER force your hand to worship Him, or even mention His name. He loves you so much that whatever it is that you have done against Him within your entire life can be forgiven, if you approach Him and ASK. He will wipe it clean and forget about it.

Regarding organized religion, I have to start by saying that I am not a "religious" person. It's not about religion for me, it's about a relationship. I do go to church several times a week, but it's because I love the presence of God Almighty. Churches MUST be organized, because without organization, there would be chaos. Without law enforcement, you wouldn't even be able to own a house or go to the grocery store. There must be order. There are even rules on this forum, of which most of us obey. Even God sets order all through the Bible and creation. Take away parts of the ecosystem and it begins to fall apart. Behind the design of creation is a Designer. Even Stephen Hawking says in the video documentary "Evidence for Heaven" that there are "Laws" of the universe that could not have been implemented by random chance, and had to be designed. Hawking futher stated that all studies point to a grand design of creation. Look into the old laws of Leviticus, and moral mandates by Jesus Christ in the new testament, all used to keep the order.

That being said, I'm back to the beginning of this: God is Love. God wants a relationship with you more than you could possibly imagine. It doesn't matter what you've done, His arms are wide open with welcome to you. If you ask Jesus Christ into your heart and sincerely mean it, you will be saved (Romans 10:9-10, Acts 2:38). Once you truely walk with Jesus Christ and experience his manifest presence, He will be as real to you as any human being. And, I promise you, He is a great friend.

Are all organized religions and views perfect? No. Are human beings perfect? No way. Do we ever make mistakes? Absolutely. The bottom line is that God does NOT make mistakes (He made you, didn't he?), He loves you very much, and He desires to have a close relationship with you anytime you wish to approach Him. Without trying or knowing something, it is difficult to have a serious opinion about it. I invite you to give God a try, He's always willing to listen.


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)




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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

mrtrim, you have now officially attracted the barrage of lighting bolts previously aimed at *my* head.


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)

*lol* im sure of it charlie ! i couldnt help it im weak . lol


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## SteveKorz (Mar 25, 2008)

Charlie, you might be able to grow your hair back now…


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## Betsy (Sep 25, 2007)

The Bear is my hero.


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, Faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'


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## SteveKorz (Mar 25, 2008)

My wife and I were travelling to Springfield one day several years ago. On the way, we passed a house that had a hunting boat parked near the road. The hunter used it for duck hunting, or maybe goose hunting. It was completely decked out with a blind, gun ports, cammo netting, sticks and branches, reed cammo, you get the idea. It looked large enough to fit maybe 3-4 guys in total, and they would be totaly covered when sitting down.

My wife looked at this decked out boat and just shook her head. I said, "What's wrong?" She said, "All that cammo work on the top is useless, like the fish won't be able to see the bottom of the boat in the water when they're fishing."

(Geez… )

I'm still laughing at that… (she keeps me pretty entertained).


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## AdMarkGuy (Jan 1, 2008)

I have gotten both amusement, sadness, enlightenment, and complexity from many of the above postings.

Let me offer this,

In 1968 courtesy of Uncle Sam I won an all expense paid trip, air travel, food, clothing, tools and even full medical care to South East Asia - my Uncle treated us all well -

Even though many of us were just a few years removed from our high school proms - our classroom was now a jungle, our teacher hopefully a three tour of duty sergent, our favorite books Playboy and the Bible- our favorite time of day, the next morning because you were one day closer to going home -

During this time I met many different people, experienced some of man's worst instincts and viewed horror that 40 years later still invokes the "night sweats" -

I saw men with their last breath; cry for their mother, pray to God, scream in pain, curse the enemy

In all that time I met people from every walk of life, every religion, every accent-

We shared music, tears, beers, bongs, dreams and fears -

The ONE THING I NEVER met. . . an atheist, for some reason they never made it to the Nam!

Funny to this day I still wonder why?

Semper Fi -To my fallen Brothers RIP - next time in Washington DC visit the Wall - I guarantee there is not a name on it who would question the validation of God--just men in government!


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## CharlieM1958 (Nov 7, 2006)

My wife looked at this decked out boat and just shook her head. I said, "What's wrong?" She said, "All that cammo work on the top is useless, like the fish won't be able to see the bottom of the boat in the water when they're fishing."

I guess the cat is out of the bag, Steve. You *must* have married her for her looks.


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## SteveKorz (Mar 25, 2008)

Bill- WOW… Very well written. This is the greatest country in the world due to people like you. Thanks for your service!

Charlie- Yeah, something like that… LOL… (she's just not a hunter/ fisher, I guess!).. I still tease her about it.


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## jockmike2 (Oct 10, 2006)

A guy I know up by Houghton Lake Michigan married a girl from Ohio while in the service. While driving her to his Houghton Lake home she kept seeing these deer crossing signs. Puzzled, she finally asked my friend, how do the deer know where to cross? mike


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## mrtrim (Oct 11, 2007)

*bill *, i also won a scholarship to the university of southeast asia . arrived on campus i think dec. 68 . i agree everybody found something to believe in . pretty intense education for kids not old enough to vote or buy beer ! semper fi


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## BlueStingrayBoots (Jun 11, 2007)

TheCarver, can we talk? (I got a GED so bear with me.) but Im beyond comprehention on faith.

Christianity is a vast/broad spectrum, which reaches out to all levels of inteligence and draws them in to something ….wonderful. So I just want to ask you what part of chritianity do you dispise? Probably all of it but could you point out a few examples that naziate you so that I can respond.

Thanks.

It doesnt make my blood boil, but I think I want to learn something here on this tthread, besides "not" telling a blond to call 911 in case of emergency.


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## pommy (Apr 17, 2008)

Mrtrim i hope you got a good price for that timber lol


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## pommy (Apr 17, 2008)

Hi everyone as that atheist i thought that was brilliant thank you for such good comedy

andy


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## saddlesore (Oct 17, 2007)

Hey Bob Babcock…...... I too hope you can hug your father again. NOTHING should ever come between family.


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## Mershon (Apr 4, 2008)

For the guy that said America was not founded on Christians beliefs… You are for the most part partly correct =) Actually you aren't at all Would love to know what books you are reading…...

My guess is that you are american and whoever or whatever you base your beliefs on doesn't matter 10:1 your value system is based on Jesus Christ. Which is why you can thank him and your founding fathers for a nation in which we can celebrate…. are you ready for this "FREEDOM OF SPEECH"......

So lay off!!


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## Treefarmer (Mar 19, 2007)

Thanks TomK, I miss him so much it still hurts just about every day and it's been 25 years. I helped him build the 1st house he and my mother owned. I didn't realize then what a great lesson I was getting but appreciate it every day I pick up a tool now. He was a religious man, always sung the loudest in church. Which embarassed all us kids, but very personal about it at the same time. He knew of the change in my beliefs and we discussed them on more than a few occasions. He once told me "you don't have to go to church to be a good man, you just have to be a good man". If you're watching Dad, how am I doing?


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## pashley (Mar 22, 2008)

To all you vets, tip of the hat, and something I'd like to share:

A couple of years ago, me and the family went to D.C. to do the tourist thing. Got into see the Capitol and the White House. Very impressive. Lincoln Memorial, Smithsonian, all great.

Them we stopped by Arlington Cemetery.

We did the tour bus thing around the grounds, and then got off at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. We watched the very impressive changing of the guard, with the guards being dressed immaculately, and as straight and slim as any man can be.

Then my 10 year old son and I saw a young man, maybe 22, up near the guard. He was with his parents, sitting in a wheelchair. He was missing part of one leg, and the other was pretty beat up. Looking at this face, his heart wasn't in much better shape. He looked distraught, and shaken.

I couldn't help but feel gratitude for this guy. My heart kept tugging at me to do something.

So my son and I did.

We walked over to that soldier in the wheelchair, and my son and I simply and quietly, shook his hand, and said "Thanks." He choked up a bit, and I patted him gently on the shoulder and left him. I thought he just needed to hear that; he sure deserved it.

Later that evening, I was reading about the guards, and what they must go thru to voluntarily serve on that duty of guarding the unknowns. The must be dressed perfectly, not speak to others, can never drink, and must be out walking that same stretch of granite, no matter what time of day, no matter what weather, no matter what is going on in the world.

There is a soldier walking back and forth, guarding the tomb, right now, as you read this. And long after you've forgotten this post, they will still be there, ever vigilant.

You guys are amazing, and someone I look up to. Thanks.


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## BlueStingrayBoots (Jun 11, 2007)

Carver, I change my mind, I got nothing to say.

I think I'll stick with the blonds.


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## unknownwoodworker (Apr 5, 2008)

I now understand the new rules.


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