The Homeowners Guide to Basic Tools

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Blog entry by toyguy posted 11-29-2007 08:37 PM 4365 reads 0 times favorited 5 comments Add to Favorites Watch

The Homeowners Guide to Basic Tools

  • Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

    Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

  • Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
  • Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
  • Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it’s leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.

    Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

    Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

  • Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

    Cordless Telephone - The handyman’s 911.

    Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law’s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

    Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips *- A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.

-- Brian, Ontario Canada,

5 comments so far

View Thos. Angle's profile

Thos. Angle

4444 posts in 3986 days

#1 posted 11-29-2007 08:49 PM


-- Thos. Angle, Jordan Valley, Oregon

View Russel's profile


2199 posts in 3963 days

#2 posted 11-29-2007 09:33 PM

Should I worry that I can identify with this list?

-- Working at Woodworking

View Zuki's profile


1404 posts in 4101 days

#3 posted 11-30-2007 03:53 AM

made me smile. needed that

-- BLOG -

View MsDebbieP's profile


18615 posts in 4185 days

#4 posted 01-23-2008 09:42 PM

haha made me chuckle… out loud..

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (

View rikkor's profile


11295 posts in 3899 days

#5 posted 01-23-2008 10:17 PM

Hand plane: Toyguy’s 2×4 challenge project.

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