The Homeowners Guide to Basic Tools

The Homeowners Guide to Basic Tools

• Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

  Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

• Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

• Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

• Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it’s leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.

  Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

  Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

• Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

  Cordless Telephone - The handyman’s 911.

  Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law’s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

  Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips *- A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice.

-- Brian's Table Top Toys http://home.mountaincable.net/~bgraham/