true definitions of tools

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Forum topic by hootr posted 07-26-2009 12:50 PM 805 views 0 times favorited 3 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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183 posts in 2763 days

07-26-2009 12:50 PM

don’t know if this has made it here, but couldn’t resist

Subject: Common Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh sh! #...”

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN * x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMMIT!’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

-- Ron, Missouri

3 replies so far

View patron's profile


13524 posts in 2758 days

#1 posted 07-26-2009 02:04 PM

thanks for the share,
my thoughts have been
confirmend !

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

View BeachedBones's profile


201 posts in 2819 days

#2 posted 07-26-2009 03:47 PM

My definitions:

Hammer: Anything heavy enough to whack something with.

Pry Bar: anything that lets you lever force against something.

Saw: things that make stuff smaller

WD 40: for anything that doesn’t move but should.

Duct Tape and epoxy: for anything that moves that shouldn’t.

I think all tools and jobs can be summed up by this table.

-- You know.... I think that old wood needs to be furniture.

View Innovator's profile


3584 posts in 2830 days

#3 posted 07-26-2009 04:05 PM

A lathe – Used to take a large piece of wood and make a small bowl out of it.

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

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