did I tell you about my wife ?

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Forum topic by Dan'um Style posted 06-04-2009 01:04 AM 1034 views 0 times favorited 2 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3407 days

06-04-2009 01:04 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

got this in the email today …
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we sp lit up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at ni ght than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started…..


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
And then the fight started…..


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the g arage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And then the fight started…


I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”</ div>

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying”Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started….

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

2 replies so far

View hairy's profile


2377 posts in 2956 days

#1 posted 06-04-2009 01:29 AM

Back in 1985,my wife and I bought a house on a hilltop. It was very steep in parts, and difficult to keep keep mowed. I bought 2 goats to keep the weeds down. Maybe I should have talked it over with her first, she wasn’t too keen on it. Her – “Where are they going to stay?” Me -”In the house with us.” Her – “What about the smell?” Me – “They’ll get used to it, I did.”

-- stay thirsty my friends...

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3407 days

#2 posted 06-04-2009 02:34 AM

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?” The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete…how much steel!! No, think of another
wish.” The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment….know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’....know how to make them truly happy….”
The genie asked, “Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?”

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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