The Golden Years

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

thanks for the laughs guys .
a real relax for me after work .

-- david ,new mexico ,allheart

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
‘Dr. Jones, at your cervix.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

I went with my with to her Gynecologist’s office. Of course I stayed in the waiting room.

He followed her out of the exam room to drop off her chart, and greet the next patient.

As we were leaving, he said to my wife, ”nice to see you, again”.

Is it just me, or does he need a different line?

Lee

-- by Lee A. Jesberger http://www.prowoodworkingtips.com http://www.ezee-feed.com

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

I heard most gynecologists are forced to retire early due to early onset of tunnel vision.

-- Don't tell her I'm in the shop!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- If at first you don't succeed...Don't try skydiving

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

ROFLMAO. You characters are hilarious. Odie, Dan and Grumpy. I guess we might have to rename them to Curly, Larry and Moe…........................LOL

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Like this Jerry ?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Yeppers Odie…................................ LOL Looks like the newer version though.

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

As I was drinking my Citricel the other night I ran my finger around the glass to get the last of it out. I wondered am I doing this because I’ve grown to like this stuff or was it because I wanted to get the maximum impact of the dose. Then I thought both of those options are disgusting. Getting old is not for the feint of heart.

-- Gary, South Central Wisconsin. So much to learn, so little time!

No offense to my young buddies but I could’nt resist this one.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Thank you Grumpy, that’s the best one I’ve seen. I have to send that to my brother-in-law who supplies me with many.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One seventy year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

An eighty year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The ninety year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.” “So what’s your problem?” asked the others.

“I don’t wake up until nine.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
‘Drive carefully. We’ll wait.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Joe was celebrating his 90th birthday at the nursing home.
The “boys” at the home decided to chip in and have a call girl come in to entertain him.
She stripped down to her lacy skivvies and sat down on his lap.
“Would you like some super sex?” she asked.
He thought a minute, then asked her
“What kind of soup is it?”

-- Tim -- http://tmuli.com

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he’s 97 years old… and we haven’t a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5/ I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

6/ I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. ...apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our skulls. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

13/ Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE .

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed Well, you don’t have to worry about them now be cause I’ve just shot them.’ Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three pol ice cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’
George said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’

(True Story) I LOVE IT – Don’t mess with old people!!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.

‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?’ the widow said.
‘Just look at you – you have no legs!’

The old gentleman smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

‘You don’t have any arms either!’ she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently ‘Are you still good in bed??’
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said

‘I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?’

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday…

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

OK DAN I’ll try one ….

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,’Yes, Nurse Tracy ,’ said Mr.. Wallace.’My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,she replied, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said,’You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that.Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’

‘But, Nurse Tracy I can’t,’ replied Mr. Wallace.’I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

‘Yes,’ said Nurse Tracy, ‘you did tell me that,but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’

(You’ve gotta love this .)

‘Well,’ he replied, ‘Today is the viewing.’

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. ‘Amazing!’ he
thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
nonsense!’ So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver’s
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 10
minutes.

Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend. If you can give me
a reason that I’ve never heard before why you were speeding, I’ll let you go.’
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, ‘Years ago,
my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.’

‘Have a good day, Sir,’ said the policeman.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

wish I was just a puppy again ….

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand—and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one! thing:< BR>Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical,
and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long marrie! d couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over,
made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much,
fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, ‘It really works!’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Gene

This is a stupid idea….. what am I doing here? I don’t even have a joke, oh yea, did you hear about the two pollocks that walked into a resteraunt, their standing there waiting to be seated and a women starts choking in front of them, one looks at the other and said think we autta help, the other guy says yea, so he drops his pants and the other guy starts licking his butt right in front of the choking lady. She was so disgusted she started choking gasping couphing and pop! out shoots the piece of food. The pollock pulls up his pants and says, you know that hind lick manuever really works….. I was told that story by a nurse, I swear.

-- Mike. mwurm13@yahoo.com

-- Gene

”My body is a filter.”

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

got these in an email this morning ..
..

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV…..
THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED…

GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP..
GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH…

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST: “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT…..THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

We are getting wealthy as we get older

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth.

Stones in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead in the Feet.

Iron in the Arteries.

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

We never thought we’d accumulate such wealth!!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)