Joke Of The Day

Good One, Grumpy!!!

that’s a real funny one Grumpy

-- Jim from Heirloom Woodshop, custom furniture ,maker, woodworking school, http://www.heirloomwoodshop.com/

Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Farther O’Grady.
“Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news.” Replied Mary.
“Well what is it, Mary?”
“Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.”
“Oh, Mary” said the father, “that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”
“Well, yes he did father,” replied Mary.
“What did he ask, Mary?”
Mary replied, “He said, ’Please, Mary, put down the gun…’”

-- Gene

fun facts
..
Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating.

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second.

A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood.

During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

There wasn’t a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
..

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went.
...

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

...

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL’.”

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thats not right 6 elephants in a lifetime you must be talking to vegetarians LOL don’t you mean a good weekend barbie in Ausi land. ps that’s Australia Alistair

-- excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

A man said to his work mates hey guys the’ve opened a new brothel near us fantastic they pick you up in a limo , take you there , you drink champagne all night as much as you want ,and have sex as often as you like too.Then the drive you back home in the limo and stuff twenty dollars in your pocket before letting you out right outside your front door. Man that sounds too good to be true ” they do all that and pay you ” I don’t get it HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ?HE SAID “NO REPLIED THE MAN” BUT THE WIFE GOES THREE TIMES A WEEK. ALISTAIR

-- excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

Alistair, you keep away from those nasty places. They affect your eyesight. Nothing like a good Aussie barbie instead.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

No offense to my American friends but this is funny!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole
bread?’
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’ Sighing, the
Australian replied, ‘of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’ The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
‘We throw them away, of course!’
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’?

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’

Esther always replied,

‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

‘Esther, I’m 85 years old.

If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied,

‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet

for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.

I’m impressed!’

Morris replied,

‘Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

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there was once a fellow that was so ugly that he had never had a date or had sex with a woman, so,he always looked sad, hardly ever smiling, one evening he shows up in the local bar he frequented, smiling and seeming to be in a very good mood, the bartender noticed and said to him ” you seem to be in a very good mood tonight, what is the occasion?” the ugly man replied “well last night after I left here, on my way home I found a woman tied to the railroad tracks, so, I did what I felt was the right thing and untied her, she was rather dirty so I took her home and cleaned her up, then I made love to her all night long, it was the most fantastic night of my life, in fact I am looking forward to trying it again tonight.” the bartender said ” wow that is great, I am happy for you, tell me is she good looking?” the ugly man replied, ” I don’t know, I haven’t found her head yet”

-- Smitty!!!

thats a bad one

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The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin the bath tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs give him the good news and apologise. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN – DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Oh, Boy, Grump!!!!!!!

-- Thos. Angle, Jordan Valley, Oregon

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

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The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story….........

Pay your bills.

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Thanks for the laughs and Grumpy thanks for breaking me of my chewing gum habit

-- If at first you don't succeed...Don't try skydiving

ROFLMAO….........................you guys are a bunch of characters. Thanks for the laughs.

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brE2AhPRZ1Y

Probably true.

-- Measure once cut twice....oh wait....ooops.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”

“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says….

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

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Giving Up Wine (Author unknown)
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

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Bush goes to hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You’re on my list,
but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what
I’m going to do. Believe it or not I’ve got some folks here who
weren’t quite as bad as you.
I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
????: Drugs Forum http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=774
first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing over and over again.
Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer &
I don’t think I could do that all day long”.
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon
with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” said George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the floor with his arms tied behind his head, and his legs in a
spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked in disbelief and finally said,
“Yea, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

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cool link
..
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/mccain.htm

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A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence,’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman. ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied. The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A Very Short Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’

The girl said ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.

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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a @#**% wall!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Ugly person illness
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”

“I’m sure I can.” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”

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A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.

“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”

“Absolutely,” said the head.

“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”

“An interesting possibility,” said the head.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”

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Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It’s all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”

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Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

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As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”

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ign above urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal.
Scrawled underneath:
It makes them soggy and hard to light.

“No matter how good he looks,
some other girl is sick and tired of putting up with his crap.”

“Bad spellers untie!!!”

“Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity”
Men’s Room, Tan Son Nhut Airbase (Saigon)

“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn’t.”

(An arrow pointing to the toilet paper…)
“Another fine abrasive from your friends at 3M”

“TOLIET CAMERA IS FOR RESEARCH USE ONLY”

“Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.”

“Humpty Dumpty was pushed, man!”

“Always remember: Beauty is only a light switch away.”

“If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?”

“Help, the paranoids are after me!”

(Under a sign that said: “Employees Must Wash Hands”)
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

when I was born, I was so surprised
I couldn’t speak for a year and a half!

Sign posted in a thousand bathrooms:
We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there’s no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

On an elevator in New York:
“Elevator out of order.”
Scribbled underneath:
“Try the ones across the street.”

While I wait for the perfect woman to come along,
I’m having a lot of fun with the imperfect ones!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck !

Deja Moo : The feeling you’ve heard this bull before !

God must love stupid people…He made so many !

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Never put off to tomorrow
what you can avoid altogether

drive carefully ….don’t kill a child
-wait for a lawyer

*LOST! One science teacher after last Thursday’s experiment

Old accountants never die ,they just lose their balance

just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and say; ‘Slim I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, I feel just like an newborn baby.’

‘Really? Like a newborn baby!?

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and i Think I just wet my pants.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious and
trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great
religious truths:

1. Muslims do not
recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize
Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not
recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Mennonites do
not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor
Store.

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

Women’s Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don’t care; they love him;
he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

Women’s Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don’t care; they love him;
he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, “I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The wife yells back to him, “GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
I’ll sleep on it,” said Jimmy.
Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!!!

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Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself
Man: ‘May I buy you a cocktail?’
Maxine: ‘No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.’
Man: ‘Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?’

Maxine: ‘No, they spread.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Lexiograms

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the
gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…....

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A man asked his wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed his heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said…
So he suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A man tried to talk his wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. He told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started…...

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Yo Mama So Ugly
Yo Mama So Ugly she put the Boogie man outta business.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, “Damn it, can’t believe it’s Halloween already…”

Yo Mama So Ugly when she applied for the ugly contest they told her ‘NO Professionals’

Yo Mama So Ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

Yo Mama So Ugly minutes after she was born her Mother shouted ‘What a treasure!” and her Poppa said “Yes, now let’s go and bury her…”

Yo Mama So Ugly they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

Yo Mama So Ugly when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours….and that was just for the quote!

Yo Mama So Ugly yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye…

Yo Mama So Ugly she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

Yo Mama So Ugly she was a guard at Snake Mountain

Yo Mama So Ugly they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock…

Yo Mama So Ugly even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

Yo Mama So Ugly they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

Yo Mama So Ugly she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama So Ugly Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo Mama So Ugly you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

Yo Mama So Ugly she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

Yo Mama So Ugly we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

Yo Mama So Ugly I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

Yo Mama So Ugly her shadow gave up.

Yo Mama So Ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON’t have to see her…

Yo Mama So Ugly her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

Yo Mama So Ugly when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

Yo Mama So Ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

Yo Mama So Ugly instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

Yo Mama So Ugly they gave her a middle name…’accident’.

Yo Mama So Ugly she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

Yo Mama So Ugly even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her…

Yo Mama So Ugly when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

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got this in a email from GENE today ..
..
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone..

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after
lunch.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree..

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of is your
friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep , it’s best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A wife sat down on the couch next to hubby as he was flipping
the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
he said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

a snale was walking down the street when he was robbed by two turtles. the police came and asked the snail what they looked. he said i don’t know it happened so fast.

-- Ron, Michigan

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
,,,
...
..
.

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Do you know what happened 159 years ago this Fall.. ????

California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except back then the women had real boobs and the men didn’t hold hands in public.

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A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start.

“Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously.

“Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

“Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: “Son, all the
years I’ve been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here
and tell us about your experience.”

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor
Asks: “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with
a ghost.”

Bubba replied: “Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you
said “Goats”

Martha Stewart’s Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

FAMILY GATHERINGS

1. You go to a wedding and everybody sits on the same side of the Church.

2. Your cousins Clem & Zeke look at you and smile as they play Dueling Banjos.

3. You’ve been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

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You know you’re a Redneck Jedi when…

- You hear “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”

- You ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

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4 Lumberjocks go on a hunting trip.
Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Karson because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn’t fair for just one of them to share with Karson the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
Odie was the first to sleep in Karson’s tent. Comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess (what hair?) and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, ‘Odie, what happened?’
He answers, ‘Karson snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.’
The next night it was Dan’s turn.
The following morning, same thing, Dan’s hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, ‘Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!’
He says, ‘Bloody Karson shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn’t sleep.’
The third night was Grumpy’s turn.
Grumpy was a big, burly, lumberjock; a man’s man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
‘Good morning,’ he says cheerfully.
His mates can’t believe it.
They ask, ‘Blimey, what happened?’
Grumpy says, ‘Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Karson into bed and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

I think that’s the best one yet!!!!

Hello,
It is great when we can laugh at ourselves.
Have a good one.
Paul

If The Beatles Were Computer Geeks…

Sing along with me now…

Yesterdaaaay…

Yesterdaaaay, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenllllyyy, There’s not half the files there used to be, And there’s a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong…
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterdaaaay, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterdaaaay.

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Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ’ 1-2-3. ’ When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ’ 1-2-3-4, ’ he responded. “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, “1-2-3!”
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

-- Smitty!!!

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother!

I was so ugly as a baby my mother fed me with a slingshot.

My mother named me Don because she wasn’t sure how to spell “EEEeeeeyuUUUuuchhhh”

d

-- Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. - Henri Poincaré

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It’s all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Lawyer and an Irishman A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.
The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A lovely Australian Poem.

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad’s passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook – gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good – fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, ‘foul play’ was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace, Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all – the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

‘I reckon I can clear it up,’ said Dad with trembling breath,

‘You see it’s quite a story – but it could explain his death.’

‘This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they’d make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’ waste,

So I moved the dunny over it – real smart move I thought,

I’d never have to dig again – I’d never be ‘caught short’.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn’t dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened – poor Granddad didn’t know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you’ll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash—

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The Old Farmer

A Texas Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural TX and talks with an old farmer…

He tells the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’

The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me….’ Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. ‘See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish….on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified…..

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…...’Your badge! Show him your badge, Smartass!’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay,” says the lawyer,” your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?
——————————————————————————–
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
——————————————————————————–

When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, “I’m sorry, we only have iceberg.”
——————————————————————————-

What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

——————————————————————————–

A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, “Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles.” She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

——————————————————————————–

While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, “What in the world are blind people doing driving?”

——————————————————————————–

Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

——————————————————————————–

How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

——————————————————————————–

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

——————————————————————————–

Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.

——————————————————————————–

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.

——————————————————————————–

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

——————————————————————————–

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

——————————————————————————–

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

“Oh, look, Daddy … doughnut seeds.”

——————————————————————————–

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear

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THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down & another man comes along & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final, the biggest sporting event of the year & not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh… Gees .I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head… “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.

-- Gene

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are

flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1 – The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 – I’m a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; “Naaaah . . . not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the Nissan
plant.
to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “Iff’n I was to sneak over

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Marriage in Heaven

====================

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting
they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left..

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer???”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Heh, fun thread.

How will President Obama oppose Russia’s invasion of Georgia?

He’ll send troops to Atlanta.

-- “You are a little soul carrying around a corpse.” —Epictetus

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”

“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

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A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack’s “special emblem of devotion.” Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist.

After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.

Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had “Wy” tattooed on his penis. “Hey,” Jack said and smiled, “what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy.”

“Oh no, mon,” the bartender said and laughed. “Mine say WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.”

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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The skinny guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says: “Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn around.”

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You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’.............

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A few words of advice for the older fellows:
NEVER pass up a bathroom!
NEVER waste a hardon!
NEVER trust a fart!

-- Smitty!!!

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday Buddy”

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He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

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Smitty
you must know how this story goes
First you forget to lift the toilet seat
Then you forget to zip up your fly
And the last stage

You forget to unzip your fly. LOL

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A man is driving
down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall
asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has
ever heard. The next morning,
he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can’t tell you
because you’re not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right.. I’m dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a
monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled
the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found
what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone… The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
..silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the
key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

.. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

DON’T SWEAR AT ME;

I’M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

dumb laws in Mississippi

If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.

No one may bribe any athlete to “rig” a game, match, tournament, etc.

It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.

One may be fined up to $100 for using “profane language” in public places.

Private citizens may personally arrest any person that disturbs a church service.

Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.

Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.

Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.

Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $250 fine.

Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.

It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.

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Giant rats, tiny parrots found in ‘lost world’

08/09/2009 3:05:49 PM

CBC News
An expedition to what’s being called a lost world inside an extinct volcano in Papua New Guinea has discovered more than 40 new species, including giant rats, frogs with fangs and a new species of bat.

Mount Bosavi in the rainforest of Papua New Guinea is an extinct volcano 2.7 kilometres high, with a crater one kilometre deep and four kilometres wide. Life inside has evolved isolated from the outside world for 200,000 years, the last time the volcano erupted.

The silvery-grey Bosavi wooly rat, one of the biggest rats in the world, weighs 1.5 kilograms and is 82 centimetres long from its nose to its tail, as big as a house cat.

Wildlife camera operator Gordon Buchanan said the rat had no fear of humans at all.

“It just sat next to me nibbling on a piece of leaf. It won’t have seen a human being before,” Buchanan said.

More than 57 species of rats and mice can be found in Papua New Guinea. The volcano’s crater lacks big cats or monkeys as predators, which may explain how the rats evolved to be so big. The main predators inside the crater are giant monitor lizards.

The crew also filmed the world’s smallest parrot in the wild for the first time. The buff-faced pygmy parrot is about nine centimetres tall and weighs less than 12 grams.

The expedition team included biologists from Oxford University, the London Zoo and the Smithsonian Institute. Members of the BBC’s natural history unit filmed the exploration for a three-part documentary series called The Lost World of the Volcano.

The team chose Mount Bosavi because animal life there is poorly understood, and similar ecosystems in Papua New Guinea are being destroyed. The country’s rainforest, they said, is currently being destroyed at a rate of 3.5 per cent a year. There are extensive logging operations just 30 kilometres south of the volcano.

New species discovered in Mount Bosavi include a frog with fangs, a camouflaged gecko, a spider that drops a net on its prey, and a fish that can make grunting noises with its swim bladder.

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-- --<<<<<< I will not stop until I get it right. >>>>>>--

An elderly man in Queensland (Australia) had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and
avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and
he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as
he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you
leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the dam naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the crocodile.’

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Luther moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cut a photo in half but accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother. It said:
“Dear Luther,
Thank you for the picture. I had it framed and hung it in the living room for everyone to see. But you really should change your hair style… it makes your nose look small.

Love, Grandma”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

An Irish woman told me this one;

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ’’It’s my wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve killed her!’‘
Operator: ’’Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!’‘ click BANG
Irishman: ’’Okay, done that. What next?’‘

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy.

“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off is chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You shoudn’t be too mad with Tommy, after all, he is your son!”

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The lesbians next door gave me a old Timex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”

The second hunter says” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says “There’s this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumps in head first!

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!”

Good one Papadan

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ‘What are these, Dad?’

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.’‘

Oh I see,’ replied the boy.’ Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.’ He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, ‘Why are there 3 in this package?’

The dad replies, ‘Those are for highschool boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

‘Cool’ says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, ‘Then who are these for?’

Those are for college men,’ the dad answers, ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.’

‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ‘then who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, ‘Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….....’

-- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines! Mike D.

funny one !

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A young married couple’s mom stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. “What are you doing?!” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. “But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!” “Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained.” It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end He can’t get enough of me”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.”What are you doing?” he asked. “This is my love dress”, she whispered sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner? He never heard the gunshot.

-- Follow me on Facebook! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pittsford-NY/New-Mission-Workshop/286394422868

Sean and Murphy, a couple of Catholics, are digging a ditch in front of the cat house in Dublin.

Suddenly, Sean looks up and sees a Rabbi going in.

“Ah, will you look at that now Murph! Why the poor Jewish people would be so sad to see their own Rabbi going in to there now” And shook his head, and kept digging.

The next day, Murphy looks up to see a Presbyterian minister going into the cat house.
“Sean, take a look at that, will ya now! Why that minister is going in to that house of sin! Why, the poor people in his church would be so ashamed at that!” He shook his head, and kept digging.

The following day, they see their church priest going into the cat house.
Murphy cries, “Oh, for the love of God! Isn’t that Father O’Malley? And look where he is going into! Why, I can’t believe it! Must be one of the girls is sick!”

-- Follow me on Facebook! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pittsford-NY/New-Mission-Workshop/286394422868

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’ The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’ As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’ The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you.”

-- Measure twice, then try to figure out which one was right.

Two 8 year old boys were lying in their room at the hospital.
One boy asks the other: “What are you here for?” He says he’s getting his tonsils taken out.
“Oh, that’s great. I had mine taken out last year. You get all the ice cream you want. What are you here for?”
“I’m getting circumcised.”
“Oh.man. I had that done when I was 8 days old. Couldn’t walk for a year.”

Lee

-- No piece is cut too short. It was meant for a smaller project.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says he to himself: “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…Twenty-two kilometres an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask..
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t made a peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”

The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and— PING !—he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.”

The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here”—- and— PING !—in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

“One more wish”, said the fairy, waving her wand.

“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans”—-and—- PING !—The man was transformed – wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed, “Where is my new house?”

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . .. .

The fairy said:

“Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.”

And she disappeared.

-- Smitty!!!

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

Stacey Brown, a very attractive young lady, was just getting out of the shower, when she heard the door bell ring. Quickly putting on her robe, she hurried down to the front door. Standing there was the next door neighbor, Marty.

“Oh hi Stacey, sorry to bother you…is your husband around?” he asked.

“No, Marty, Jack went to run some errands, he should be back soon”. she replied.

“Looks like you just got out of the shower” Marty inquired. “You know, I’ve always admired your attractive body, Stacey”, Marty stammered out.

“I beg your pardon!” Stacey shot back.

“Tell you what, I’ll give you $400 bucks for a quick flash of that hot bod, and it will be our little secret, what do you say?” Marty asked.

“I don’t think so.” Stacey said, with hesitancy.

”$600? For a quick flash? C’mon!” Marty insisted.

Stacey was obviously tempted. Still she replied no.

“Ok, $800, and that’s my final offer.” Marty said.

“Fine, let’s see the money!” Stacey demanded, and Marty showed her.

He gave her the money, and she gave him a quick flash of her gorgeous body. Obviously satisfied, Marty turned and left for home.

Minutes later, Jack, Stacey’s husband drove up and came into the house.

“You had a visitor while you were gone, dear.” Stacey volunteered.

“Oh yeah, who?” Jack asked.

“Marty, next door.” Stacey replied.

“Oh yeah?” said Jack, “Did he bring back the $800 he owed me?”

-- Follow me on Facebook! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pittsford-NY/New-Mission-Workshop/286394422868

A women was sitting at home and listens too the news on the radio. She hears there is a car going the wrong way on the interstate. She calls her husband telling him to be careful there is a car on the interstate driving the wrong way. Husband yells back only one? Where I’m at there hundreds of them!

Blonde Password:

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, “Well, DUH, it has to be
at least 8 characters long.”

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ’’It’s me wife! I’ve accidentally shot ‘er & I tink I’ve killed ‘er!’‘
Operator: ’’Please calm down, Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!’‘ click BANG
Irishman: ’’Okay, done that. What next?’‘

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $100,000,” he said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said.
On Monday morning, the jeweller ‘phoned the old man and said “Sir, there’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”
Not all Seniors Are Senile

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..
Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, ‘I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.’
Ben, from Colorado, couldn’t stand to be bested.. That’s nothing, ‘I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache.’
Old Dungus Bob, the cowboy from West Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son ?” The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?” Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time,”

“GOD is missing, and they think we did it!”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson followed this advice religiously until the day he died at age 103.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 24 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

what can I say I enjoyed reading jokes instead of listening to them because I tend to get the joke ten minutes later and everyone turns to me and wonders what is so funny.

-- Best Regards With, Personalized Rocking Chair, and, Chairs, On My Mind, http://mynoblebear.com

what does a woman n a condom have in common?

they spend more time in your wallet then on your cock.

what does a washer and a one night stand have in common?

once you put your load in them the one night stand doesn’t wanna leave you alone.

-- *CHOP!* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After a bit, he heard nothing more, shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of a nut would name a bird Moses?’

‘The same kind of a nut that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

-- The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. -- Vincent T. Lombardi

Q: Why do bagpipers march when they play?

A: They’re trying to get away from the noise.

-- Measure twice, then try to figure out which one was right.

Mark, c’mon, we have young people in here, tone it down dude…..

-- Follow me on Facebook! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pittsford-NY/New-Mission-Workshop/286394422868

Thanks, Pashley.
I agree.

d

-- Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science. - Henri Poincaré

I agree too. Lets keep it clean.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

THE EMU
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback diner with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’ and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’ ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’ The emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man. ’ Same,’ says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well, love’ says the truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, ’My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say’.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

the economy is so bad

I opened my USPS mail and found a pre-declined credit card.
I opened an e-mail and it said I was NOT a family member of the former Nigerian oil minister who is owed $100 Million dollars.
I ordered a Whopper at Burger King and they asked me, “Can you afford small fries with that?”
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The bank returned my check marked “Insufficient Funds” and I had to call them to ask if they meant me or them.
The NY-NJ Mafia is laying off judges.
A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

-- Smitty!!!

A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’ The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.’

She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’ This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.’

-- James

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back,relax and….. OH, MY GOD !’
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘bye jezis you should see the back of mine!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Harry & David were walking down the street when Harry said, David I’m so old that I can’t even remember my age anymore. With that David says I can tell your age. Harry said, really how can you know? Well just take your pants down and stand here in your underwear. Well OK, so then David tickles Harrys knees then steps on his foot, on to pushing dirt in Harrys ears then says you are 76 years old Harry! Harry says thats amazing how did you do that? David says it was easy you just told me two days ago!

-- $tudie

Ollie and Otis lived in the back woods. One day Ollie knew the sherrif was looking for drugs in the county and he told the sherrif that Otis had drugs hidden in this firewood logs. The sherrif gets all his deputies together and they went to Otis’ cabin and split open all the logs they could find and left disgusted because they didn’t find any drugs.
The next day Ollie drives by Otis in town and yells out the window- did the sherrif split all yer firewood?

-- Jim Jakosh............Learn something new every day!!

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle..

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

You all know little Johnny! It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but… something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did—better, in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?”

“Yes, she has,” says the man.

“And what did you decide?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting new countertops.”

-- Measure twice, then try to figure out which one was right.

On a small, unknown battleground
A US soldier is wrestling with Osama bin Laden. In the midst of their bout they rub up against a lamp buried in the ground. A genie emerges and states that they will each get a wish.
Osama states that he wishes that all infidels be banished from his land and a wall erected along the borders so high as to repel any future invaders. The genie turns to the US soldier to make his wish. With only a moments hesitation the soldier wishes for the space within those walls be filled with water.

-- If you don't have time to do it right, do you have time to do it twice?

A man discovers a lamp while digging on his land and decides, “what the heck” and rubs the lamp. A genie flows from the lamp and angrily surveys the man. The genie reports, “I have been imprisoned in this lamp for over 5,000 years and am none too happy about it. Know that I am bound to grant you three wishes in return for my freedom, but whatever you wish will be granted twofold to your mother-in-law!” This man being none to fond of his mother-in-law is now faced with a dilemma. After much thought he announces his first wish. “I wish for a bank account with 15 million dollars that compounds 50% interest daily.” POOF The genie announces that his wish has been granted but his mother-in-law has been awarded double that sum, and it’s compounded twice daily. The man is happy with his money but galled by the fact that his mother-in-law should gain from his good fortune. He makes his second wish of a 40 room mansion, fully furnished, with attached woodshop. POOF The genie announces that his second wish is granted, but his mother-in-law now is the proud owner of an 80 room mansion, more plushly furnished with an attached woodshop of twice the size and better quality tools. Smiling evilly the genie asks for the man’s third and final wish. The man says, “That’s easy. I’d like for you to beat me half-to-death!!”

-- If you don't have time to do it right, do you have time to do it twice?

While out cutting wood the other day I heard a man say howdy neighbor! I turned to see a very scruffy man with a knarly beard & quite dirty too. I saw you just moved in & wanted to invite you to a party he said. I said what kind of a party? Oh just a fightin & kissin party! Well should i bring anything, how many people will be there? He says, Oh you don’t have to bring anything, just gonna be you & me

-- $tudie

Ollie & yellie were working for weeks logging in the deep forest with nothing to do at night or anyone around to have fun with. So one night ollie said I know what to do for fun lets have a game where I’ll think of something and you guess what it is, Fine says Yellie, sure Ya bet will be lots o fun tuu! So they sit down after supper and Ollie can’t think of anything for hours. Then he thinks I know something he will never guess for sure, Donky dung! another hour or so staring at the floor Yellie finally asks, Ollie can you give me a hint? Ollie thought for a moment, well I think it tastes really bad. Yellie says right away is it Donky dung?

-- $tudie

blonde: calls 911 and says my house is on fire.

911: ok stay calm we are on the way. what is your location? how do get there?

Blonde: DUH IN A BIG RED TRUCK!!!!!

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

”Hit me ! ” said the mascochist..

”NO!!!” said the sadist.

-- On tradition.) Just because you've always done it that way dosen't mean it's not incredibly stupid.

OUTBACK FARM
A man owned a small farm in Australia .
The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the rep.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday”
‘The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn’t work on Sundays and I provide payed satellite television for free in her room.
‘Then there’s the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week,
pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’
‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent. ’That would be me,’ replied the farmer

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

this is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
” Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.. You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.. ” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?”
“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’sTiber River called Teste.”
“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”
He said: “Who the #*%@ did your hair?”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house that says…”Talking Dog for Sale”
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there
“You talk?” he asks
“Yep” the Lab replies
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government so, I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. No one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn’t getting younger and, I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten bucks”
The guys says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cuz he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff”“

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas only 4 miles from the mill

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Linda listened to the instructor declare: “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He addressed the men:
“For instance gentlemen, can you name your wife’s favorite flower?

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?

The rest of the story is not pleasant…..

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas only 4 miles from the mill

http://www.mediafire.com/?irwjhmj4mi4

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

Australian Lawyers Education

The son of a cocky from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his money on the high city life.
He calls home. ‘Dad, you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.’ ‘Bloody amazing!’ his Dad says. ‘Could we get Ol’ Blue into the program?’
‘No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,’ the young jackaroo says, ‘I’ll get him into the course.’
So father sends down the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. ‘So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?’ his father wants to know.
‘Awesome Dad! He’d talk ya bloody head off. But you just won’t believe this. He’s such a brilliant talker, they’d like him to have a go in the reading class!’
‘Read?’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol’ Blue into that program?’
‘Just send $4,500. He’s as good as in.’
As quick as the money arrives, it is spent. At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem…When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog. When he arrives home his father is all excited. ‘Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him and see him read something!’
‘Dad,’ the boy says, ‘It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid from the pub?’‘
The father groans and whispers, ‘I’ll have to shoot that bastard before he blabs to your Mother!’
‘I already did, Dad!’ ‘Good boy!’
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Margaret – put your hat and coat on lassie.’
She replied, ’ Awe Jock that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?’
‘Nah, Jock replied, I’m switching the central heating off while I’m oot.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered…. Is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT…make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ….what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is…..
If you don’t let a woman have her own way….
Things are going to get ugly!!!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

where did you pull that aut from :—))
thank´s you continue to save the day´s
keep them coming

Dennis

A Little Girl’s tale

CUP OF TEA
One day my ma was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as
a gift and it was one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet???

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

yyyyaaaaakk

cheers

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.

I called the
Suicide Lifeline.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
..
.

..
Got a freakin’
call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was
suicidal. .....
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a
truck

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

Duh Dan.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

lmao9 nice dan

-- *CHOP!* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

That Makes a good case for living fast, loving hard, and dying young :-))

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

Die beuityful die young

define young

-- *CHOP!* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Q: What were Tarzan’s last words?

A: Who greased the viiiiiiiine?

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

Any time before you are like the guy on teh exam table :-)

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

Topaman. The guy on the table is me 20 years ago. LOL

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, & write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to a confused wife. “Honey”, she said, “You received a very strange post card today”. “Oh, just give it to me & I’ll explain it later” he said.

The wife obeyed & watched as her husband read the card, turned white & fainted.

On the card was written”

“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti”. “3 with meatballs, 2 without, Send extra sauce”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

‘Didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the….’

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,’I’m fine!’?’

Seamus said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….’

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now what the hell would you have said?

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events..
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..

The Grandfather replied, “Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

’ television

’ penicillin

’ polio shots

’ frozen foods

’ Xerox

’ contact lenses

’ Frisbees and

’ the pill

There were no:

’ credit cards

’ laser beams or

’ ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

’ pantyhose

’ air conditioners

’ dishwashers

’ clothes dryers

’ and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

’ man hadn’t yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, ... ... ... and then lived together..

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, “Sir”.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, “Sir.”

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege..

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios.

And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan ’ on it, it was junk

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam…

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of…

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

’ “grass” was mowed,

’ “coke” was a cold drink,

’ “pot” was something your mother cooked in and

’ “rock music” was your grandmother’s lullaby.

’ “Aids” were helpers in the Principal’s office,

’ ” chip” meant a piece of wood,

’ “hardware” was found in a hardware store and

’ “software” wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap. and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind…you are in for a shock!

Read on to see—pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?

This man would be only 59 years old.

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

Roger, that is not a joke.

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

Topa: No, but it’s the truth. Sorry I have been offline for a week with a computer problem and it looks like I missed the lady in red’s debut.
Anyway here’s one to make up for it. It also explains why I have been offline for a week, glad it’s fixed – I just could not curry on any longer.

School Bus in Japan

That’s a really greatway to educate kids while on their way to and from school.

Now for another educational idea…........

SCHOOL BUS IN INDIA

,,, and yet, when you have a technical problem with your computer – your call ends up in India ?

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

I’m not so sure that one isn’t the truth too!!

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

Guy walks into a bar…sits down and orders a drink…..after sitting and sipping his drink for a while he puts his palm to his ear and starts carrying on an animated conversation. The bartender gets anxious and goes over to the patron. He tells him he wants no crazy folks in his bar and to get out. The guy taps the wrist on the arm by his ear and says to the bartender….sorry….Ive got this new cell phone implant in my hand and I’ve been getting alot of stares and people thinking I am crazy. The bartender stares at him shaking his head until the guy taps his wrist and holds his palm up for the bartender to hear. Hearing someone talking to him through the man’s hand he asks why the man tapped his wrist…the man tells the bartender…thats to put my other line into the answering machine in my other wrist. The bartender is amazed…not totally convinced but in wonder of all this new technology, he goes back to the bar and keeps his eye on the man who has resumed his conversation with both palms held to his ear. Soon the man gets up and goes into the men’s room. After a while the man has not returned. The bartender gets anxious again and looks into the restroom….he hears an angry voice coming from the stall and asks whats the problem. The same man replies….damn it….I’m trying to get this important fax through my new implant…but your are out of toilet paper….and there are still several pages to go.

-- Woodworking.....My small slice of heaven!

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

Tiger Woods and Woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeccable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeccable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from home.

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

One-Liners
1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
31) Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

-- *CHOP!* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Two trees were in a forest talkin to each other and in between the two was a new tree sprouting. One tree said “I think its a son of a birch.” The other tree said “I think its a son of a beech.” So they asked a nearby woodpecker to check for them. So the pecker does his job and then looks up at the trees and says ” I don’t know about you guys but thats the best piece of ash I’ve ever had!”

-- *CHOP!* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving
milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite
cheaply.
They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..
The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who
was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice.
“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said,
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side..
“The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
“Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales ..
“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said.
“How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?
“The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

“My wife is from Wales”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

have a little fun at Tigers expense, http://www.atom.com/fun_games/tiger_woods_defense/?xrs=cpc_gorilla

-- Smitty!!!

Subject: Fw: 7 Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles
from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know
if the coast is clear.’

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’

The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’

The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, .. I know ‘em all.’

A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?’

The blonde replies, ‘Oh, that’s easy . it’s W.’

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: ‘Is it mine?’

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ..’

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’

-- Smitty!!!

:——)))
but were the hell dit you dig up the blonde in the SIXTH DEGREE ?

The awesome power of a wife’s love

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven..

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.

-- Smitty!!!

Touching Californis Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex … She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles …
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
“Why do you love doing that?”
Because … She Replied …
“I Really Miss Mine”

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

,,
.
.
.
.
.
. !

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes m

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

A man asks his wife if she would remarry if he died early. She said ” why yes, of course. I wouldn’t want to go through the rest of my life alone.” He asked what she would do with all his clothes. She said probably donate them. ” What about my tools. Would you keep my tools?’ “Why yes” she said. “My next husband would probably use them.” “What about my old truck? Would you give that to him too?’’ “Of course” she said. “That would be only natural.’ “As a matter of fact” she said, “I’d probably give him all of your stuff.” “Not my favorite golf cluba?? you wouldn’t let him have those would you?’ “Oh no” she said. “He’s left handed.”

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas only 4 miles from the mill

> Subject: Aging
>
>> A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitress’s there have low cut blouses and nice boobs.
>>
>> 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
>>
>> 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
>>
>> 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
>>
>> 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

-- Smitty!!!

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, “Stop ! Stop ! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said….....

“Nope…You are! I’m gonna burn down the Barn!!!”

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald,” he said sternly – “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”
“Sure!” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too
much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, “Oy mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand.
I’m Pastor Fluff.”
The landlord said, “Ah well, if you’re that far in, ye might as well finish.”

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

THE URINAL
IS TOO HIGH

A group of 1st,
2nd, and 3rd graders, accompanied by
two
female teachers,went on a field trip to
the local
racetrack (Churchill Downs)
to learn about
thoroughbred
horses.

When it was time to
take the children to the bathroom, it
was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher
and the
boys would go with the
other.

The teacher assigned to the
boys was waiting outside the
men’s room when
one of the boys came out and told her
that
none of them could reach the
urinal.

Having no choice, she went
inside, helped the boys with
their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up
one
by one holding onto their wee wees to
direct the flow.

As she lifted one,
she couldn’t help but notice that he
was
unusually well endowed.

Trying not to
show that she was staring, the teacher
said,
“You must be in the 3rd
grade.”

“No, ma’am, ” he replied.
“I’m the
jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
seventh.”

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE. BILLY SAYS: “I’M FINE, MUMMY… I JUST HAVEN’T DONE IT YET.” MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”

BILLY SAYS: “WORKS FOR TOMATO SAUCE!”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch…”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the marble floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

SH1T!” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

yyaiicks great smell just before my nightlunce

ceep them coming

Dennis

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender “Hay , could I get a beer please”
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say “No, we don’t serve food here”

A mushroom walks into the bar and says to the bartender “Hay , could I get a beer please”
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say “No, we don’t serve food here”
The mushroom says “Why not I’m a Fungi!”

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary’s husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn’t going.

Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

“Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since last night…........ Yesterday evening I
was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who’?” I pulled his hands off to find all he
was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom.

The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over….........On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, “Now, you can do whatever you want.”

So here I am.

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1125919467?bctid=63259762001

It’s the Bud Lite clothing drive

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas only 4 miles from the mill

Now this is what we need…for the man of the house

New nail gun made by DeWALT.

It can drive a 4 inch nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.

Doubly efficient! After a day of fence building with the new DeWALT Rapid fire nail gun the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else ever again.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

With his request approved, the ABC News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go.’

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for ABC Cable News,’ he responded. ‘And I need to get some close up shots…’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.

Finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me is …. You’re NOT my Flight instructor???’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

g´me g´me g´me hurry
I need that nail gun
My wife has the tarket jacket on

now thats MY gun!

-- *CHOP!* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

patent pending*

-- *CHOP!* AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres
ever aired on British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator –
‘This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.’

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
‘Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.’

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – ‘And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!’

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
‘Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President
is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.’

5. US PGA Commentator – ‘One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??’

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team
Live’ said: ‘You’d eat beaver if you could get it.’

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, ‘So Bob, where’s
that eight inches you promised me last night?’ Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because
they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
‘Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.’

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said:
‘There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you
on a cold night like this. ‘

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’:
‘Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.’

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked:
‘They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other
and he’s only come in his shorts.’

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: ‘Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.’

-- Smitty!!!

At a Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Minister asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Well, I’ve a tried to treata hera nice, spenda alla the money ona her, but the besta thing I evera did is that I tooka her to Italy fora our 20th anniversary!”
The Minister responded, “Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.”
Luigi proudly replied, “I’m a gonna go and geta her.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub ? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Margaret – put your hat and coat on lassie.’
She replied, ’ Awe Jock that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you ?’
‘Nah, Jock replied, I’m switching the central heating off while I’m oot.’

(No offence to my Scottish Buddies, but couldn’t resist this one)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

can you tell me how you can reconice one of the old skooner wessels from other wessels of the ocean
..
..
..
..
..
they have no seagulls over the them
..
..
..
..they don´t throw anything aut

stuff to do at Walmart …

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him “I need some tampons!!”

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible “sex and candy”

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10″.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this shit, anyway?”

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”

20. Put M&M’s on layaway.

21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: “Marco Polo.”

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying “How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).” When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign? (giggle).”

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don’t realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it’s a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window “the British are coming”

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing “I’m gonna save us from that bomb!”

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren’t looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying “Can I buy a gun? I’m tired of that stupid smily face!”

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeadeately say “The clowns are not eating me.”

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy’s clothes and a full set of gal’s clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone’s face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say “radioactive” and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

Painting the Church

There was a painter named Smokey who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a bit further
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

“Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

(you’re going to love this)

”Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

3 men in a pub- a Scot, Englishman and Irishman:

‘Y’know’ said the Scotsman, ‘I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s.
Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.’

‘Well,’ said the Englishman, ‘at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.’

‘Ahhhhh, that’s nothing,’ said the Irishman. ‘Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar.

Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, and another again – all the drinks you like.
Then when you’ve had enough drinks they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.’
‘Well,’ asked the Englishman, ‘did this actually happen to you?’

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman’s claims. But he swears every word is true.

‘Not me meself, personally, no,’ said the Irishman . . . ‘But it did
happen to me sister….

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Tequila Challenge

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10—but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks—but he doesn’t make a face—and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight—then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, “Now.., where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

-- The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. -- Vincent T. Lombardi

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, ‘My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.’

The second guy said, ‘Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the major ity of its assets He’s so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.’

The third man said: ‘Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.’

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: ‘What are all the congratulations
for?’

One of the three said: ‘We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?’

The fourth man replied: ‘My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.’

The three friends said: ‘What a shame… what a disappointment.’

The fourth man replied: ‘No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him.
And he hasn’t done too bad either.. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

not again I have just replaced the tenth board on my computer they always
get wet every time I read this blog (this time it was my coffee) you are jokeing with your lives :—))
thank´s guy´s but I realy want to my spendt money tools instead

Dennis

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks

that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather

in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John’s grandfather prepared

breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking,

‘Are these plates clean?’

His grandfather replied,

‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,

as his appeared to have tiny specks around

the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’

Without looking up the old man said,

‘I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you

fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog

started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.

John yelled and said,

‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car’.

Without diverting his attention from the football game

he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

’Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

got this in an email today ….
,,,
I was shocked, confused, bewildered As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all, Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven Who made me sputter and gasp—
The thieves, the liars, the sinners, The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal? I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here? God must’ve made a mistake.

‘And why is everyone so quiet, So somber – give me a clue.’
‘Hush, child,’ He said, ‘they’re all in shock. No one thought they’d be seeing you.’

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember…Just going to church doesn’t make you a
Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST….
Every sinner has a FUTURE!

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, ‘You’re in charge of sweeping.’

To the Scotsman he says, ‘You’re in charge of shovelling.’

And to the Chinese guy, ‘You’re in charge of supplies.’

He then says, ‘Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.’
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, ‘Why didn’t you sweep any of it?’

The Italian replies, ‘I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.’

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says ‘And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.’

The Scotsman replies, ‘Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th’ Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin’ him neither.’

The foreman is really angry now… He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent…

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, ‘SUPPLIES!!!!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

‘Mrs. Neely?’; ‘Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’

‘I don’t have any.’ She replied, smiling sweetly.

‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’

‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied.

‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?’

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

‘I’ve outlived the bitches.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

does that mean that we have to outlive you
becourse I for sure can´t forgive that your jokes
destroyd 3 of my boards with coffee when I
read them

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door “Is your Dad home?” the rancher asked.
“No sir, he isn’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the rancher, “Is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” the boy asked politely.. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”’
The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Howard.”

-- $tudie

GOOD ONE STUDIE.
KEEP THE COFFEE COMING DENNIS. I’M STILL HOLDING ON DOWN HERE ON THE BOTTOM OF THE PLANET.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

THREE MEN AND THEIR WIVES

3 men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China . He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia, a place called Brisbane. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

BLIND COWBOY

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, considering that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire.
The fireman asks ‘How do we get there?’
‘HELLOO!’ she replies, ‘In the @$%^&* big red truck!’

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving, endearing pet names.”
The old man hung his head.. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old biddy what her name is.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money..
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man.. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so
much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so
much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed..
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest Boobs.

Men are like that, you know. .

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

little johnny walks into class, the teacher asks where he was and why hes late, he says “i was on top of cherry hill” the teacher has him sit down so she can deal with him later. another boy walks in and she gets the same answeres. last a little girl walks in. the teacher says “oh you must be the new girl whats your name?” she looks up and says “my names cherry hill” :)

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

One should always do a risk assessment

Aussie Poem …

The sun was hot already – it was only 8 o’clock
The cocky (Farmer) took off in his Ute (Pickup), to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
“Typical bloody sheep,” he thought, “they’ve got no common sense,
“They won’t go through a gateway but they’ll jump a bloody fence.”

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She’d stay there ‘til she carked it if he didn’t get her out.
But when he reached the water’s edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn’t rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn’t stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn’t get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he’d hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn’t really think he’d get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly “Come back here, you lousy bitch!”

The stock rep didn’t hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky’s reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Another Aussie poem The Old Service Station

The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

‘Where is the ladies restroom, sir?’
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She tripped and fell—got up,
and then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he’d devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He’d wait until the gals got set and then the devilish guy,
would stop his whittling long enough, to speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below struck terror, fright and fear
‘Will you please use the other hole? We’re painting under here’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

”THE BLONDE AND THE COW”

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to
Amy, ‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow’s
stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets
here, OK?’

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one right here.’

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, ‘Tell me
lady, ‘cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the
right cow to be bred?’

‘That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,’ she
explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, ‘And what, pray tell, is the nail
for?’

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

‘I guess it’s to hang your pants on.’

(It’s good to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

there was a young wacumcleanning salesman
that had no sales the hole day when he come to
a ranch in late afternoon
and he saw the rancher sitting on the front
stairs looking very sad and angry at the same
time but the salesman was jung and fighting
for the money went out of his car and go up
to the house with the wacumecleaner in
his hand
but the rancher said we don´t buy anything
the salesman replyed what do you know
abaut cleaning don´t you want a clean house
and your lady a little easyer wile she doing it

Ok said the rancher if you can tackle one thing
I buy two of those mashine´s from you
the young sales man said come with it
this was
in the old days before the milkingmashine´s
on a ranch where the milkmaid was sick
the rancher had to milk the cows
when he was milking the last cow
it suddently slap my head whith the tail
the rancher toke a robe and tiie the tail
to the post and continue to milk and this
old cow suddently stepped one leg into the
bucket and I tied up the leg and throw
the milk out and went over to the other side
of the cow and continue the milking
and the the cow kicked the bucket with
the other leg so I toke a new rope and
tied the leg to the other post
then I had to pee so I go to the post
and out with …..... and there was
I when the wife came in to the stable
and if you can convince her that I just
had to pee I will buy two from you

Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’
‘Reading a book,’ she replies, ( thinking , ‘Isn’t that obvious ? ‘)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’
Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’
‘For reading a book,’ she replies ,
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her again,
‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading’
‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’ If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault ,’ says the woman.
‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.

’That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’
‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.

The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

‘Does this taste funny to you ?’

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’

‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’

‘Is it common ?’

‘Well, It’s Not Unusual.’

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’

‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly.

‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t

find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs !’

The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms !’

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?

A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam !’

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in

the craft.

It sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it

too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament

victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to

disperse.

‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off.

‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also

had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins ! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen

Ahmal.’

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd

diet,

he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) .....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his

friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them

laugh.

No pun in ten did.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ….. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

-- Smitty!!!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
“Hello.”
“Mrs. Sanders, please.”
“Speaking.”

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well…
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can’t tell which is which.”

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs.Sanders.

“Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

“Getting oral sex from an ugly person is like bungee jumping, it’s gonna be good, but holy crap, don’t look down!” Clive Laurel

-- ~Just A Guy With A Hammer~

-- LINK to my eBay pages ..... http://members.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=arts-and-crafts-style

BLONDE IN A SNOW STORM

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hail storm.
The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered
with large dents.

So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop. The shop owner, seeing
she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home
and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop
out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and
knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a
little harder, and still nothing happens. Meanwhile, her roommate, also a
blonde, comes home and asks, “What in the world are you doing?”

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, “Hell-OOOO!

Don’t you think you should roll up the windows first?”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python