Joke Of The Day

Good One, Grumpy!!!

that’s a real funny one Grumpy

-- Jim from Heirloom Woodshop Southern Oregon

Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Farther O’Grady.
“Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news.” Replied Mary.
“Well what is it, Mary?”
“Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.”
“Oh, Mary” said the father, “that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”
“Well, yes he did father,” replied Mary.
“What did he ask, Mary?”
Mary replied, “He said, ’Please, Mary, put down the gun…’”

-- Gene

fun facts
..
Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating.

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second.

A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood.

During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

There wasn’t a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his pretty blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
..

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily, back into the house she went.
...

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

...

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL’.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

thats not right 6 elephants in a lifetime you must be talking to vegetarians LOL don’t you mean a good weekend barbie in Ausi land. ps that’s Australia Alistair

-- excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

A man said to his work mates hey guys the’ve opened a new brothel near us fantastic they pick you up in a limo , take you there , you drink champagne all night as much as you want ,and have sex as often as you like too.Then the drive you back home in the limo and stuff twenty dollars in your pocket before letting you out right outside your front door. Man that sounds too good to be true ” they do all that and pay you ” I don’t get it HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ?HE SAID “NO REPLIED THE MAN” BUT THE WIFE GOES THREE TIMES A WEEK. ALISTAIR

-- excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

Alistair, you keep away from those nasty places. They affect your eyesight. Nothing like a good Aussie barbie instead.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

No offense to my American friends but this is funny!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole
bread?’
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’ Sighing, the
Australian replied, ‘of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’ The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
‘We throw them away, of course!’
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’?

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’

Esther always replied,

‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

‘Esther, I’m 85 years old.

If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied,

‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet

for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.

I’m impressed!’

Morris replied,

‘Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

there was once a fellow that was so ugly that he had never had a date or had sex with a woman, so,he always looked sad, hardly ever smiling, one evening he shows up in the local bar he frequented, smiling and seeming to be in a very good mood, the bartender noticed and said to him ” you seem to be in a very good mood tonight, what is the occasion?” the ugly man replied “well last night after I left here, on my way home I found a woman tied to the railroad tracks, so, I did what I felt was the right thing and untied her, she was rather dirty so I took her home and cleaned her up, then I made love to her all night long, it was the most fantastic night of my life, in fact I am looking forward to trying it again tonight.” the bartender said ” wow that is great, I am happy for you, tell me is she good looking?” the ugly man replied, ” I don’t know, I haven’t found her head yet”

-- Smitty!!!

thats a bad one

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soakin the bath tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs give him the good news and apologise. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN – DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Oh, Boy, Grump!!!!!!!

-- Thos. Angle

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story….........

Pay your bills.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Thanks for the laughs and Grumpy thanks for breaking me of my chewing gum habit

-- If at first you don't succeed...Don't try skydiving

ROFLMAO….........................you guys are a bunch of characters. Thanks for the laughs.

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brE2AhPRZ1Y

Probably true.

-- Measure once cut twice....oh wait....ooops.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says “How well can you do?”

“Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says….

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Giving Up Wine (Author unknown)
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’

‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.

‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.

‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.

‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’

‘Well, I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’

The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Bush goes to hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You’re on my list,
but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what
I’m going to do. Believe it or not I’ve got some folks here who
weren’t quite as bad as you.
I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
????: Drugs Forum http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=774
first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing over and over again.
Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer &
I don’t think I could do that all day long”.
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon
with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” said George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the floor with his arms tied behind his head, and his legs in a
spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked in disbelief and finally said,
“Yea, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

cool link
..
http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/mccain.htm

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A chicken farmer went to a local pub, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, ‘How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence,’ the farmer said. ‘This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.’
‘This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!’ said the woman.

‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked, ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman. ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’

‘I used a different cock,’ he replied. The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A Very Short Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’

The girl said ‘NO!’

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a @#**% wall!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Ugly person illness
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”

“I’m sure I can.” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.

“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”

“Absolutely,” said the head.

“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”

“An interesting possibility,” said the head.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It’s all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.

“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two. “Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

ign above urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal.
Scrawled underneath:
It makes them soggy and hard to light.

“No matter how good he looks,
some other girl is sick and tired of putting up with his crap.”

“Bad spellers untie!!!”

“Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity”
Men’s Room, Tan Son Nhut Airbase (Saigon)

“Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn’t.”

(An arrow pointing to the toilet paper…)
“Another fine abrasive from your friends at 3M”

“TOLIET CAMERA IS FOR RESEARCH USE ONLY”

“Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.”

“Humpty Dumpty was pushed, man!”

“Always remember: Beauty is only a light switch away.”

“If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?”

“Help, the paranoids are after me!”

(Under a sign that said: “Employees Must Wash Hands”)
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

when I was born, I was so surprised
I couldn’t speak for a year and a half!

Sign posted in a thousand bathrooms:
We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there’s no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

On an elevator in New York:
“Elevator out of order.”
Scribbled underneath:
“Try the ones across the street.”

While I wait for the perfect woman to come along,
I’m having a lot of fun with the imperfect ones!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck !

Deja Moo : The feeling you’ve heard this bull before !

God must love stupid people…He made so many !

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Never put off to tomorrow
what you can avoid altogether

drive carefully ….don’t kill a child
-wait for a lawyer

*LOST! One science teacher after last Thursday’s experiment

Old accountants never die ,they just lose their balance

just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and say; ‘Slim I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, I feel just like an newborn baby.’

‘Really? Like a newborn baby!?

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and i Think I just wet my pants.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious and
trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great
religious truths:

1. Muslims do not
recognize Jews as God’s chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize
Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not
recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Mennonites do
not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor
Store.

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

Women’s Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don’t care; they love him;
he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

Women’s Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don’t care; they love him;
he’s a good man and they would have married him anyway.

-- Roger, Rep. of Texas

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, “I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The wife yells back to him, “GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
I’ll sleep on it,” said Jimmy.
Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!!!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself
Man: ‘May I buy you a cocktail?’
Maxine: ‘No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.’
Man: ‘Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?’

Maxine: ‘No, they spread.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Lexiograms

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the
gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…....

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A man asked his wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed his heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said…
So he suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A man tried to talk his wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. He told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that’s when the fight started…...

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Yo Mama So Ugly
Yo Mama So Ugly she put the Boogie man outta business.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, “Damn it, can’t believe it’s Halloween already…”

Yo Mama So Ugly when she applied for the ugly contest they told her ‘NO Professionals’

Yo Mama So Ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

Yo Mama So Ugly minutes after she was born her Mother shouted ‘What a treasure!” and her Poppa said “Yes, now let’s go and bury her…”

Yo Mama So Ugly they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

Yo Mama So Ugly when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours….and that was just for the quote!

Yo Mama So Ugly yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye…

Yo Mama So Ugly she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

Yo Mama So Ugly she was a guard at Snake Mountain

Yo Mama So Ugly they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock…

Yo Mama So Ugly even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

Yo Mama So Ugly they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

Yo Mama So Ugly she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama So Ugly Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo Mama So Ugly you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

Yo Mama So Ugly she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

Yo Mama So Ugly we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

Yo Mama So Ugly I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

Yo Mama So Ugly her shadow gave up.

Yo Mama So Ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON’t have to see her…

Yo Mama So Ugly her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

Yo Mama So Ugly when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

Yo Mama So Ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

Yo Mama So Ugly instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

Yo Mama So Ugly they gave her a middle name…’accident’.

Yo Mama So Ugly she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

Yo Mama So Ugly even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her…

Yo Mama So Ugly when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

got this in a email from GENE today ..
..
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone..

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after
lunch.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree..

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of is your
friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep , it’s best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A wife sat down on the couch next to hubby as he was flipping
the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
he said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

a snale was walking down the street when he was robbed by two turtles. the police came and asked the snail what they looked. he said i don’t know it happened so fast.

-- Ron, Michigan

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
,,,
...
..
.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this Fall.. ????

California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except back then the women had real boobs and the men didn’t hold hands in public.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start.

“Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously.

“Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

“Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: “Son, all the
years I’ve been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here
and tell us about your experience.”

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor
Asks: “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with
a ghost.”

Bubba replied: “Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you
said “Goats”

Martha Stewart’s Rules for Rednecks

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

FAMILY GATHERINGS

1. You go to a wedding and everybody sits on the same side of the Church.

2. Your cousins Clem & Zeke look at you and smile as they play Dueling Banjos.

3. You’ve been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

You know you’re a Redneck Jedi when…

- You hear “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”

- You ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

4 Lumberjocks go on a hunting trip.
Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Karson because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn’t fair for just one of them to share with Karson the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
Odie was the first to sleep in Karson’s tent. Comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess (what hair?) and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, ‘Odie, what happened?’
He answers, ‘Karson snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.’
The next night it was Dan’s turn.
The following morning, same thing, Dan’s hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, ‘Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!’
He says, ‘Bloody Karson shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn’t sleep.’
The third night was Grumpy’s turn.
Grumpy was a big, burly, lumberjock; a man’s man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
‘Good morning,’ he says cheerfully.
His mates can’t believe it.
They ask, ‘Blimey, what happened?’
Grumpy says, ‘Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Karson into bed and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

I think that’s the best one yet!!!!

Hello,
It is great when we can laugh at ourselves.
Have a good one.
Paul

If The Beatles Were Computer Geeks…

Sing along with me now…

Yesterdaaaay…

Yesterdaaaay, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenllllyyy, There’s not half the files there used to be, And there’s a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong…
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data’s gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterdaaaay, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterdaaaay.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, “This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ’ 1-2-3. ’ When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ’ 1-2-3-4, ’ he responded. “But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, “1-2-3!”
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

-- Smitty!!!

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother!

I was so ugly as a baby my mother fed me with a slingshot.

My mother named me Don because she wasn’t sure how to spell “EEEeeeeyuUUUuuchhhh”

d

-- If a man says something in the forest and there's no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It’s all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Lawyer and an Irishman A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.
The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’ The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn. He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A lovely Australian Poem.

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad’s passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook – gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good – fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, ‘foul play’ was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace, Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all – the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

‘I reckon I can clear it up,’ said Dad with trembling breath,

‘You see it’s quite a story – but it could explain his death.’

‘This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they’d make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’ waste,

So I moved the dunny over it – real smart move I thought,

I’d never have to dig again – I’d never be ‘caught short’.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn’t dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened – poor Granddad didn’t know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you’ll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash—

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The Old Farmer

A Texas Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural TX and talks with an old farmer…

He tells the farmer, ‘I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’

The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.’

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me….’ Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. ‘See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish….on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified…..

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…...’Your badge! Show him your badge, Smartass!’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

“Okay,” says the lawyer,” your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?
——————————————————————————–
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
——————————————————————————–

When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, “I’m sorry, we only have iceberg.”
——————————————————————————-

What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

——————————————————————————–

A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, “Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles.” She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

——————————————————————————–

While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, “What in the world are blind people doing driving?”

——————————————————————————–

Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

——————————————————————————–

How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

——————————————————————————–

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

——————————————————————————–

Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.

——————————————————————————–

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.

——————————————————————————–

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

——————————————————————————–

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

——————————————————————————–

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

“Oh, look, Daddy … doughnut seeds.”

——————————————————————————–

How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down & another man comes along & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”

“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final, the biggest sporting event of the year & not use it?”

He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh… Gees .I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head… “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.

-- Gene

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are

flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1 – The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 – I’m a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; “Naaaah . . . not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the Nissan
plant.
to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “Iff’n I was to sneak over

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Marriage in Heaven

====================

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting
they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left..

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer???”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Heh, fun thread.

How will President Obama oppose Russia’s invasion of Georgia?

He’ll send troops to Atlanta.

-- Still clinging to my guns and religion.

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this – First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered, “What happened, did I forget my line?”

“No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack’s “special emblem of devotion.” Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist.

After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he’d bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.

Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had “Wy” tattooed on his penis. “Hey,” Jack said and smiled, “what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy.”

“Oh no, mon,” the bartender said and laughed. “Mine say WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The skinny guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says: “Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn around.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’.............

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A few words of advice for the older fellows:
NEVER pass up a bathroom!
NEVER waste a hardon!
NEVER trust a fart!

-- Smitty!!!

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday Buddy”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Smitty
you must know how this story goes
First you forget to lift the toilet seat
Then you forget to zip up your fly
And the last stage

You forget to unzip your fly. LOL

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A man is driving
down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall
asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has
ever heard. The next morning,
he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can’t tell you
because you’re not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can’t tell you because you’re not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right.. I’m dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a
monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled
the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found
what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone… The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
..silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the
key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

.. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

DON’T SWEAR AT ME;

I’M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

dumb laws in Mississippi

If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.

No one may bribe any athlete to “rig” a game, match, tournament, etc.

It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.

One may be fined up to $100 for using “profane language” in public places.

Private citizens may personally arrest any person that disturbs a church service.

Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.

Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.

Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.

Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $250 fine.

Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.

It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Giant rats, tiny parrots found in ‘lost world’

08/09/2009 3:05:49 PM

CBC News
An expedition to what’s being called a lost world inside an extinct volcano in Papua New Guinea has discovered more than 40 new species, including giant rats, frogs with fangs and a new species of bat.

Mount Bosavi in the rainforest of Papua New Guinea is an extinct volcano 2.7 kilometres high, with a crater one kilometre deep and four kilometres wide. Life inside has evolved isolated from the outside world for 200,000 years, the last time the volcano erupted.

The silvery-grey Bosavi wooly rat, one of the biggest rats in the world, weighs 1.5 kilograms and is 82 centimetres long from its nose to its tail, as big as a house cat.

Wildlife camera operator Gordon Buchanan said the rat had no fear of humans at all.

“It just sat next to me nibbling on a piece of leaf. It won’t have seen a human being before,” Buchanan said.

More than 57 species of rats and mice can be found in Papua New Guinea. The volcano’s crater lacks big cats or monkeys as predators, which may explain how the rats evolved to be so big. The main predators inside the crater are giant monitor lizards.

The crew also filmed the world’s smallest parrot in the wild for the first time. The buff-faced pygmy parrot is about nine centimetres tall and weighs less than 12 grams.

The expedition team included biologists from Oxford University, the London Zoo and the Smithsonian Institute. Members of the BBC’s natural history unit filmed the exploration for a three-part documentary series called The Lost World of the Volcano.

The team chose Mount Bosavi because animal life there is poorly understood, and similar ecosystems in Papua New Guinea are being destroyed. The country’s rainforest, they said, is currently being destroyed at a rate of 3.5 per cent a year. There are extensive logging operations just 30 kilometres south of the volcano.

New species discovered in Mount Bosavi include a frog with fangs, a camouflaged gecko, a spider that drops a net on its prey, and a fish that can make grunting noises with its swim bladder.

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-- --<<<<<< I will not stop until I get it right. >>>>>>--

An elderly man in Queensland (Australia) had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and
avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and
he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as
he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you
leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the dam naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the crocodile.’

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Luther moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cut a photo in half but accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He’s really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, and hopes she won’t notice.
A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother. It said:
“Dear Luther,
Thank you for the picture. I had it framed and hung it in the living room for everyone to see. But you really should change your hair style… it makes your nose look small.

Love, Grandma”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

An Irish woman told me this one;

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ’’It’s my wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve killed her!’‘
Operator: ’’Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!’‘ click BANG
Irishman: ’’Okay, done that. What next?’‘

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy.

“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off is chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You shoudn’t be too mad with Tommy, after all, he is your son!”

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The lesbians next door gave me a old Timex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”

The second hunter says” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says “There’s this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”.

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumps in head first!

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

“Say there”, says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”

The first hunter says ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”

The old farmer said “Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!”

-- Dan-- Info for all @ http://www.hoistman.com

Good one Papadan

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ‘What are these, Dad?’

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.’‘

Oh I see,’ replied the boy.’ Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.’ He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, ‘Why are there 3 in this package?’

The dad replies, ‘Those are for highschool boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

‘Cool’ says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, ‘Then who are these for?’

Those are for college men,’ the dad answers, ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.’

‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ‘then who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, ‘Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….....’

-- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines! Mike D.

funny one !

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A young married couple’s mom stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. “What are you doing?!” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered. “But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!” “Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained.” It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end He can’t get enough of me”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.”What are you doing?” he asked. “This is my love dress”, she whispered sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner? He never heard the gunshot.

-- http://newmissionworkshop.com

Sean and Murphy, a couple of Catholics, are digging a ditch in front of the cat house in Dublin.

Suddenly, Sean looks up and sees a Rabbi going in.

“Ah, will you look at that now Murph! Why the poor Jewish people would be so sad to see their own Rabbi going in to there now” And shook his head, and kept digging.

The next day, Murphy looks up to see a Presbyterian minister going into the cat house.
“Sean, take a look at that, will ya now! Why that minister is going in to that house of sin! Why, the poor people in his church would be so ashamed at that!” He shook his head, and kept digging.

The following day, they see their church priest going into the cat house.
Murphy cries, “Oh, for the love of God! Isn’t that Father O’Malley? And look where he is going into! Why, I can’t believe it! Must be one of the girls is sick!”

-- http://newmissionworkshop.com

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’ The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’ As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up,’ says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’ The old woman says, ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’ The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot her also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, “I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you.”

-- Measure twice, then try to figure out which one was right.

Two 8 year old boys were lying in their room at the hospital.
One boy asks the other: “What are you here for?” He says he’s getting his tonsils taken out.
“Oh, that’s great. I had mine taken out last year. You get all the ice cream you want. What are you here for?”
“I’m getting circumcised.”
“Oh.man. I had that done when I was 8 days old. Couldn’t walk for a year.”

Lee

-- No piece is cut too short. It was meant for a smaller project.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says he to himself: “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…Twenty-two kilometres an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask..
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t made a peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Highway 189.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”

The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and— PING !—he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.”

The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here”—- and— PING !—in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

“One more wish”, said the fairy, waving her wand.

“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans”—-and—- PING !—The man was transformed – wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed, “Where is my new house?”

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . .. .

The fairy said:

“Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.”

And she disappeared.

-- Smitty!!!

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Stacey Brown, a very attractive young lady, was just getting out of the shower, when she heard the door bell ring. Quickly putting on her robe, she hurried down to the front door. Standing there was the next door neighbor, Marty.

“Oh hi Stacey, sorry to bother you…is your husband around?” he asked.

“No, Marty, Jack went to run some errands, he should be back soon”. she replied.

“Looks like you just got out of the shower” Marty inquired. “You know, I’ve always admired your attractive body, Stacey”, Marty stammered out.

“I beg your pardon!” Stacey shot back.

“Tell you what, I’ll give you $400 bucks for a quick flash of that hot bod, and it will be our little secret, what do you say?” Marty asked.

“I don’t think so.” Stacey said, with hesitancy.

”$600? For a quick flash? C’mon!” Marty insisted.

Stacey was obviously tempted. Still she replied no.

“Ok, $800, and that’s my final offer.” Marty said.

“Fine, let’s see the money!” Stacey demanded, and Marty showed her.

He gave her the money, and she gave him a quick flash of her gorgeous body. Obviously satisfied, Marty turned and left for home.

Minutes later, Jack, Stacey’s husband drove up and came into the house.

“You had a visitor while you were gone, dear.” Stacey volunteered.

“Oh yeah, who?” Jack asked.

“Marty, next door.” Stacey replied.

“Oh yeah?” said Jack, “Did he bring back the $800 he owed me?”

-- http://newmissionworkshop.com

A women was sitting at home and listens too the news on the radio. She hears there is a car going the wrong way on the interstate. She calls her husband telling him to be careful there is a car on the interstate driving the wrong way. Husband yells back only one? Where I’m at there hundreds of them!

Blonde Password:

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, “Well, DUH, it has to be
at least 8 characters long.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ’’It’s me wife! I’ve accidentally shot ‘er & I tink I’ve killed ‘er!’‘
Operator: ’’Please calm down, Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!’‘ click BANG
Irishman: ’’Okay, done that. What next?’‘

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $10,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $100,000,” he said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon,” he said.
On Monday morning, the jeweller ‘phoned the old man and said “Sir, there’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!”
Not all Seniors Are Senile

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..
Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, ‘I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.’
Ben, from Colorado, couldn’t stand to be bested.. That’s nothing, ‘I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache.’
Old Dungus Bob, the cowboy from West Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python