A little known fact....

Priorities Karson, priorities

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

((grinning))

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

Very revealing information. When was bulletproof jacket used first?
Sharad

-- patanjali

They have always said that men are thinking with the wrong head :-)

-- There is no such thing as a mistake. Its called a design modification Rick Kruse, Grand Rapids, MI

You can’t blame the hockey players.

They got their marching orders from their wives!

Who also happened to be in charge of Life Insurance policies.

Lee

-- by Lee A. Jesberger http://www.prowoodworkingtips.com http://www.ezee-feed.com

And this surprises you ???

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Well I have to admit if I have to choose head or the boys….... I would take a hit to the head just about everytime…..

-- Hrolfr

First things first buddy.

-- Eric

I knew that. ;-))

-- Only the Shadow knows....................

Now you tell me…........Shhh.

-- I will just keep doing it till I get it right.

i wonder if they wore cups in baseball before helmets???

-- Matt, Napa, CA...fun is beautiful...just trying to have some fun...

I think probably a woman invented the helmet

-- Jim from Heirloom Woodshop Southern Oregon

maybe the cup too

-- Life used to be soooo much simpler!!!!

In the sport of Cricket, these “cups” are referred to as a “box”. In an unfortunate case of mismarketing last year, Kentucky Fried Chicken released a lunch pack called a “Cricketer’s box” Makes you hungry dunn’it..NOT!

-- http://www.damnfinefurniture.com

other fun facts
...
Tablecloths were originally meant to be served as towels with which dinner guests could wipe their hands and faces after eating.

Until the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second.

A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood.

During your lifetime, you’ll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that’s the weight of about 6 elephants.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.

There wasn’t a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Some will say the brain was protected first

At an Optometrist’s Office:
‘If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Dan you have too much time on your hands, wonder what an elephant tastes like?

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

Not sure what an elephant might taste like ? Guess it depends on how it was cooked….

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

a little more little known facts …

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they cant find any food!

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!

In space, astronauts cannot cry properly, because there is no gravity, so the tears can’t flow down their faces!

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!

More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones!

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!

Slugs have 4 noses!

Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!

The average American/Canadian drinks about 600 sodas a year!

It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland!

Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes!

Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The payment Nike gave to Michael Jordan exceeds the payments the company made to all of its workers in Malaysia.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes on every foot.

All of US presidents wore glasses, but some of them never put them on in public.

Walt Disney who created Mickey Mouse was afraid of mice.

Pearls can dissolve when put in vinegar.

35 percent of those who post marriage ads are already married.

Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser are the most expensive trademarks on the planet, in the order given.

One can make a cow climb a staircase up but no one can make it come downstairs.

Duck quacking produces no echo and nobody knows why

Spiral stairs of American fire-brigades came from the time when horses were used to raise pumps and other heavy items. Horses crowded down straight stairs unable to imagine how to climb them.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first American President who had all of the letters of the word “criminal” in his name. William Jefferson Clinton was the second.

On average, 100 people die of chocking with ball-point pens every year.

90 percent of taxi drivers in New York are immigrants.

Elephant is the only animal that cannot bounce up and down.

One man out of two million people has a chance to live up to 116 years.

On average, women wink twice as often as men.

The human body-build does not let us lick the elbow.

The building of the University Library in Indiana subsides one inch every year because construction engineers did not take the weight of books into account when building it.

Snails can sleep for up to three years.

Crocodiles cannot put out their tongues.

Lighters were invented before matches.

US citizens eat 18 hectares of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who has just finished reading this text made an attempt to lick their elbows.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

even more fun facts ….
.
The starfish is one of the few animals who can turn it’s stomach inside-out!

Eskimo ice cream is neither icy, or creamy!

A jellyfish is 95 percent water!

In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals!

The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs!

A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate!

More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world!

The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly!

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States!

One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet!

America once issued a 5-cent bill!

You’ll eat about 35,000 cookies in a lifetime! Wow!

Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different!

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and month

Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung!

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years! Wow!
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

Here are some interesting numbers to look at! (*1997)
166,875,000,000 pieces of mail are delivered each year in the U.S!
1,525,000,000 miles of telephone wire a strung across the U.S!
123,000,000 cars are being driven down the U.S’s highways!
85,000,000 tons of paper are used each year in the U.S!
56,000,000 people go to Major League baseball each year!

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head!

In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

1) What’s the difference between Kinky and Perverted?

Ans. When you are Kinky you use a feather, when you are Perverted you use the whole chicken!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

“The human body-build does not let us lick the elbow.”

I bet someone with a really long tongue could do it :P

“Almost everyone who has just finished reading this text made an attempt to lick their elbows.”

Maybe :P

-- My signature is awesome.

I did not attempt. I did ! As a matter of fact, I licked both at the same time….ask my wife!

-- http://www.federalsaw.com

Both at the same time ? That sounds like FUN !!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen … and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently from us, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good!

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

July 8th…
Well, this is very interesting. School teachers write this on your boards. Kids will be amazed. They may not learn anything else that day, but you can bet they won’t forget this.
The 8th Of July?

What is so different about the 8th of July this year?

At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.
This will never happen again.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Fun food facts I got in the email today
..
Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.

Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum.

American’s eat about 18 billion hot dogs a year.

The oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.

The man who played the voice of bugs bunny was allergic to carrots.

Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.

Every time you lick a stamp you gain 1/10 of a calorie.

Yams have 10 times more vitamin C than sweet potatoes.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

In England, in the 1880’s, “Pants” was considered a dirty word!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The blesbok, a South African antelope, is almost the same color as grapejuice!

The average person laughs 13 times a day!

Dogs can hear sounds that you cant!

Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!

It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!

Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel, “Gadsby”, which contains over 50,000 words — none of them with the letter E!

Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions!

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!

Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States!

The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

. Men like to barbeque. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.

4. Most husbands’ or men’s early films end with a scream and a flush.

5. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”

6. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

7. Men are very confident people. A husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates, he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from the living room, and if they are really in trouble, the wife has to get off the phone in case they call him.

8. If its attention you want, dont get involved with a man during playoff season.

9. Men like phones with lots of buttons. it makes them feel important.

10. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

11. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

12. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

13. Dont try to teach men how to do anything in public. they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

14. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

15. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Sleep with one under your pillow, instead of a gun.

16. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

17. Men love watches with multiple functions. A husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

18. All men hate to hear, “We need to talk about our relationship”. These seven words strike fear in the heart of even the Inspector General of Police.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

20. Men are sensitive in strange ways, If a man has built a camp fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

21. All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Ask disgruntled women for a list of names.

22. Men dont get cellulite.

23. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Woman have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

24. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, sleep next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

25. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Rarely does a man walk into a party and say “Oh my Gosh. Im so embarassed; get me out of here. There’s another man wearing a black tuxedo”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.

On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the “1″ encased in the “shield” and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

The United States Government keeps its supply of silver at the United States Military Academy, West Point, New York.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

52% of Americans drink coffee.

27% of Americans believe we never landed on the moon.

A Californian doctor has set the record of eating 17 bananas in two minutes.

Approximately 35 million Americans are linked by blood to one (or more) of the 102 pilgrims who came to America on the Mayflower in 1620.

There are five US states with no sales tax. They are: Alaska, Delaware, Montana, New Hampshire, and Oregon.

Alaska is the state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work.

It was once illegal to take a bath in the wintertime in Indiana.

Ohio is the birthplace of more Presidents than any other state – eight.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Dan Both my wife and I are related to Edward Doty. One of the original Mayflower occupants.

My wife and I met on a blind date and it turns out that we are 5th cousins. Her Great-great-great grandfather was brother to my great- great- grandmother.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

Karson, thats what I call keeping it in the family.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Karson, are you sure you don’t live in West Virginia?

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend,Indiana.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Be wary of “specials.” When people see signs with numbers-”8 for $10!” “Limit: 5 per customer”—they buy 30 to 100 percent more than they otherwise might have.

The British, the highest per capita spenders on music, buy 7,2% of the world music market.

Indian comic actress Manorama has played the most leading roles of any performer in movie history. She began her career in 1958 and in 1985 had appeared in her 1,000th movie.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A LICK AND A PROMISE

‘I’ll just give this a lick and a promise,’ my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture.

‘What is that supposed to mean?’ I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue.

‘It means that I’m in a hurry and I’m busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.

‘A lick and a promise’ was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases:

1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)

2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)

3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don’t remove the bad one)

4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)

5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)

6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)

7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person)

8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won’t let loose )

9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)

10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)

11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)

12. Calaboose (a jail)

13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)

14. Dicker (To barter or trade)

15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)

16. Hold your horses (Be patient!)

17. Hoosegow ( a jail)

18. I reckon (I suppose)

19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)

20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)

21. Madder than an old wet hen (really angry)

22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)

23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)

24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)

25. Pert-near (short for pretty near)

26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)

27. Red up (clean the house)

28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)

29. Scarce as hen’s teeth (something difficult to obtain)

30. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)

31. Sparking (courting)

32. Straight From the Horse’s Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)

33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)

34. Sunday go to meetin’ dress (The best dress you had)

35. We wash up real fine (is another goodie)

36. Tie the Knot (to get married)

37. Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)

38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)

39. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)

40. Wearing your ‘best bib and tucker’ (Being all dressed up)

41. You ain’t the only duck in the pond (It’s not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I’ll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don’t be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I’ve been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I’m no spring chicken. I haven’t been just stringin’ around and I know I’m not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just

A lick and a promise.

=================

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

top movie one liners
..
1.Frankenstein , (1931) “It’s Alive! It’s Alive!”, Dr. Henry Frankenstein (Colin Clive)

2. Every Day’s a Holiday, (1937), “You ought to get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini.”, Larmadou Graves (Charles Butter worth)

3. Gone With the Wind , (1939), “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”, Rhett Butler (Clark Gable)

4. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes , (1939), “Elementary, my dear Watson”, Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone)

5.The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore”, Dorothy (Judy Garland)

6. The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “There’s no place like home”, Dorothy (Judy Garland)

7. The Wizard of Oz , (1939), “I’ll get you, my pretty. And your little dog too”, Wicked Witch of the West (Margaret Hamilton)

8. Casablanca , (1942), “Here’s looking at you, kid”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

9. Casablanca , (1942), “Play it again, Sam”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

10.Casablanca , (1942), “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

11. Casablanca , (1942), “We’ll always have Paris”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

12. Casablanca , (1942), “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine”, Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart)

13. Yankee Doddle Dandy , (1942), “My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you”, George Cohan (James Cagney)

14. All About Eve, (1950), “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride”, Margo Channing (Bette Davis)

15. A Streetcar Named Desire , (1951), “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”, Blanche DuBois (Vivien Leigh)

16. Psycho , (1960), “We all go a little mad sometimes”, Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins)
17. Dr. No , (1962), “Bond. James Bond.” James Bond (Sean Connery)

18. Goldfinger , (1964), “Shaken – Not stirred”, James Bond (Sean Connery)

19. Cool Hand Luke , (1967), “What we have here is a failure to communicate”, Captain (Strother Martin)

20. In the Heat of the Night , (1967), “They call me Mr. Tibbs”, Virgil Tibbs (Sidney Portier)

21. Dirty Harry , (1971), “Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk”, Inspector “Dirty” Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood)

22. The Godfather , (1972), “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

23. The Godfather , (1972), “Don’t ask me about my business, Kay”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

24. The Godfather , (1972), “This isn’t personal, Kay. This is business”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

25. The Godfather: Part 2, (1974), “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”, Michael Corleone (Al Pacino)

26. Rocky , (1976), “Yo, Adrienne”, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone)

27. Taxi Driver , (1976), “You talkin’ to me”, Travis Bickle (Robert DeNiro)

28. Star Wars , (1977), “Get this big walking carpet out of my way”, Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher)

29. Star Wars , (1977), “May the force be with you”, Hans Solo (Harrison Ford)

30. Apocalypse Now, (1979), “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like victory”, Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore (Robert Duvall)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you get to it and you can’t do it, well there you jolly well are, aren’t you.
If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Keep honking. I’m reloading.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I’m stuffed!
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.

2.. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make
him wag his tail.

3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t
have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in
deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay
out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants
to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more
publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. – Like this: It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says ‘It’s only a game.’ when their team is
winning.

14. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re
going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has
the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?(And rap
music will be the Golden Oldies !

18. Money can’t buy happiness—but somehow it’s more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead!

Always be yourself. Because the people that matter, don’t
mind. And the one’s that mind, don’t matter.

Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can’t have everything….where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword… get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He’s not dead… he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

more obscure factoids

The term “soda water” was coined in 1798.

Botanically speaking, the banana is a herb and the tomato is a fruit.

Americans eat twice as much meat as Europeans, gobbling up some 50kg (110 lb) per capita.

China uses 45 billion chopsticks per year. 25 million trees are chopped down to make ‘em sticks.

The pull-ring tab was invented in 1962 and the re-sealable top in 1965.

Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba (1861-1931).

Maria Ann Smith introduced the Granny Smith apple in 1838.

The stay-on tab was invented in 1974.

The world’s oldest existing eatery opened in Kai-Feng, China in 1153.

Carrots have zero fat content.

The tall chef’s hat is called a toque.

The first European to encounter tea was the Portuguese Jesuit Jasper de Cruz in 1560.

Approximately one billion snails are served in restaurants annually.

The first cola-flavoured beverage was introduced in 1881.

Chocolate is the number one foodstuff flavour in the world, beating vanilla and banana by 3-to-1.

In the 1950’s some 80% of chickens in Europe and the US were free-ranging. By 1980, it was only 1%. Today, about 13% of chickens in the West are free-ranging.

The soda fountain was patented by Samuel Fahnestock in 1819, with the first bottled soda water available in 1835.

Tea is said to have been discovered in 2737 BC by a Chinese emperor when some tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water.

Coca-Cola was invented in Atlanta, Georgia by Dr. John S. Pemberton in 1886.

The tea bag was introduced in 1908 by Thomas Sullivan of New York.

Plastic bottles were first used for soft drinks in 1970.

Coffee is the seed of a cherry from the tree genus Coffea

Over 90% of all fish caught are caught in the northern hemisphere.

Aluminum cans were introduced in 1957 and two years later the first diet cola was sold.

Over the last 40 years food production actually increased faster than population.

In 1929, the Howdy Company introduced its “Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Sodas,” which became 7 Up. 7 Up was invented by Charles Leiper Grigg.

Pepsi-Cola was invented by Caleb Bradham in 1890 as “Brad’s Drink” as a digestive aid and energy booster. In was renamed as Pepsi-Cola in 1898.

The first ice-cream soda was sold in 1874 in the US.

The scientific term for the common tomato is lycopersicon lycopersicum, which means “wolf peach.”

The first diet soft drink, called the “No-Cal Beverage” was launched in 1952.

The number of people who starved to death in the last 25 years of the 20th century is less than the number who starved to death in the last 25 years of the 19th century.

Forks, mostly being two-tined, used to known as “split spoons.”

An onion, apple and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavour are caused by their smell.

To make one kilo of honey bees have to visit 4 million flowers, traveling a distance equal to 4 times around the earth.

Of the more than $50 billion worth of diet products sold every year, almost $20 billion are spent on imitation fats and sugar substitutes.

In September 1999 Dustin Philips of the US set a Guinness World Record by drinking a 400 ml (14-oz) bottle of tomato sauce through a straw in 33 seconds.

Wine is sold in tinted bottles because wine spoils when exposed to light.

The Polyethylene Terephthalate bottle was introduced in 1973.

Ice tea was introduced in 1904 at the World’s Fair in St. Louis.

Three quarters of fish caught are eaten – the rest is used to make things such as glue, soap, margarine and fertilizer.

In 1994, Chicago artist Dwight Kalb sent David Letterman a statue of Madonna, made of 180lb of ham.

An ounce of chocolate contains about 20 mg of caffeine.

Milk chocolate was invented by Daniel Peter, who sold the concept to his neighbour Henri Nestl¨¦.

Bananas consistently are the number one compliant of grocery shoppers. Most people complain when bananas are overripe or even freckled. The fact is that spotted bananas are sweeter, with a sugar content of more than 20%, compared with 3% in a green banana.

Vitamin A is known to prevent “night blindness,” and carrots are loaded with Vitamin A. One carrot provides more than 200% of recommended daily intake of Vitamin A.

There are more than 10,000 varieties of tomatoes.

Watermelons are 97% water, lettuce 97%, tomatoes 95%, carrots 90%, and bread 30%.

Approximately 44 million tons of bananas are produced annually, compared to more than 60 million tomatoes. Apples are the third most popular (36 million tons), then oranges (34 million tons) and watermelons (22 million tons).

In the Middle Ages, sugar was a treasured luxury costing 9 times as much as milk.

Bananas are the world’s most popular fruit after tomatoes. In western countries, they could account for 3% of a grocer’s total sales.

The can opener was invented 48 years after cans were introduced.

TIP is the acronym for “To Insure Promptness.”

The world’s most expensive jam (jelly) is Confiture de groselles. It is a redcurrant jam (jelly) from a 14th century recipe made in the tiny French town of Bar-Le-Duc.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Murphy’s First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .

Murphy’s Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think

Murphy’s Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy’s Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy’s Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy’s Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Murphy’s Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy’s Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy’s Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
– Murphy’s Law

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

There is hardly a day goes past when I don’t curse Murphy.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

1. Nicholas Cage’s real name is Nicholas Coppola, but he changed it to disassociate himself with Francis Ford. After the recent release of Bangkok Dangerous, one wonders if this was such a good idea

2. Samuel L. Jackson politely requests that anyone who claims not to enjoy watching themselves in movies to please stop lying.

3. Francis McDormand and Joel Coen have been married since 1984, the year of the Coen Brothers’ debut film, Blood Simple.

4. The late Paul Newman was originally cast in the role of Captain Quint in Jaws (1975).

5. Sigourney Weaver’s real name is Susan Weaver, but she changed her first name to be named after a character in the classic novel “The Great Gatsby.”

6. Oprah is actually a typo. Her parents wanted to use the biblical name Orpah, but the midwife couldn’t spell so it became Oprah.

7. The Dark Knight is the first Batman film not to have “Batman” in the title.

8. 78% of all musicians-turned-actors are rappers, and of those, 58% are black, and only two are any good.

9. “Beverly Hills 90210” star Luke Perry was born Coy Luther Perry but changed his first name to Luke after the lead character in his favorite movie, Cool Hand Luke.

10. Paul Newman, who starred in Cool Hand Luke, was one of the celebrities on the “Enemies List” kept by Richard Nixon during the Watergate scandal.

11. Samuel L. Jackson’s starring role of Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction was ranked by the UK’s Empire magazine as the second coolest movie character of all time, after Brad Pitt’s Tyler Durden, from Fight Club.

12. Jean Claude Van-Damme, ladies and gentlemen, speaks FIVE LANGUAGES.

13. The title “Quantum of Solace” has been kicked around since the time of License to Kill (1989).

14. No one really knew who Samuel L. Jackson was until 1994, when Pulp Fiction was released. By then, he was 46 years old.

15. By 2006, twelve years after his break-out role in Pulp Fiction, Samuel L. Jackson’s films had grossed more money at the box office than any other actor in cinematic history (more than $3 billion).

16. I made fun of Hannah Montana’s Best of Both Worlds concert DVD in my “New DVDs This Week” post here on Hollywire a couple months ago. It went on to become the highest grossing Super Bowl weekend release ever. Oops.

17. Sean Connery wore a toupee in every James Bond film that he starred in, beginning with Dr. No (1962).

18. At Parklane Academy, a private school that she attended in McCombs, Mississippi until October 1994, Britney Spears was on the girls basketball team.

19. I am writing all of this from the heart of China in a city called Luoyang, one of the most intensely Communist cities in the country. Brad Pitt is unable to visit me here, since he’s been banned from ever entering China because of his role in the 1997 film Seven Years in Tibet (feel free to send the wife though, Brad!).

20. Kevin Bacon has had at least a supporting role in 27% of all American movies made since 1982.

21. The first trailer for Cloverfield was shown before Transformers in 2007. It showed an explosion in the heart of New York City and the Statue of Liberty’s head being thrown down the street. It was shot with a hand-held video camera and gave no title.

22. The movie is actually named after the boulevard in Santa Monica, California, where the Bad Robot offices were located during the making of the film. “Cloverfield” was originally just a codename for the movie.

23. Johnny Depp dropped out of school at age 15 with hopes of becoming a rock star.

24. Among the first films ever made was a series of shorts in the late 1870s that showed a horse galloping. Audiences were absolutely amazed.

25. Britney Spears’ name is an anagram for “Presbyterians.”

26. Jack Nicholson hates giving interviews so much that he has not appeared on a talk show since 1971.27. It took $7,500,000 to build the Titanic, approximately 20,000,000 tons of iceberg to sink it, and $200,000,000 to make a movie about it.

28. Titanic passenger Stuart Collet’s insurance claim for lost college-lecture notes – $50. Passenger Charlotte Cardeza’s insurance claim for lost luggage – $177,352.

29. New York Evening Sun headline on April 15, 1912 – “ALL SAVED FROM TITANIC AFTER COLLISION.” Oops!

30. Okay just one more. After the tragedy, Senator W. A. Smith asked, “What exactly is an iceberg composed of?” Fifth Officer Harold Lowe politely responded, “Ice, I suppose, sir.”

31. Since the commercial success of The Happening this year, M. Night Shyamalan has been working feverishly on the script for a film he plans to call The Anticlimax.

32. Superman could clearly kick the asses of both Spiderman and Batman simultaneously. In fact, I don’t understand why there was ever any debate about this.

33. In America, our films and television shows are played in NTSC format, which is 30 frames per second. In much of the rest of the world, they use PAL format, which is 24 frames per second. Our eyes see too slowly to tell the difference.

34. Wes Craven first proposed the script for A Nightmare on Elm Street, one of the most successful horror films of all time, in 1981, but no one was interested. It floated aimlessly until the now hugely successful New Line Cinema eventually picked it up.

35. A Nightmare on Elm Street was the first feature film that New Line Cinema ever produced. Prior to that, they were just a small distribution company for college campuses.

36. John Carpenter was a huge Alfred Hitchcock fan. Two characters in Halloween (1978), were named after characters in Hitchcock films – Tommy Doyle, from Rear Window (1954), and Sam Loomis, from Psycho (1960).

37. Jamie Lee Curtis made her acting debut in Halloween, and her mother, Janet Leigh, was the actress killed in the shower scene in Psycho, one of the most famous scenes in film history. Carpenter considered his casting of Curtis in Halloween to be the ultimate tribute to Hitchcock.

38. 19 years ago today, Hollywire’s own film critic (me) was in San Jose being scared out of his 10-year-old wits by the 7.1 Richter scale Bay Area earthquake.

39. Here’s a big surprise – when Michael Jackson was informed that his Thriller co-star Ola Ray had posed nude for Playboy in June 1980, Jackson confessed that he had never heard of the magazine.

40. Thanks to his background as an actor, Ronald Reagan is the only U.S. President to have ever worn a Nazi uniform.

41. Peter Ostrum, who played Charlie Bucket in Mel Stuart’s beloved Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971), was offered a three-movie contract after the success of the film, but turned it down. He never acted again, and is now a veterinarian for large animals in rural New York state.

42. Mel Gibson is Empire magazine’s 12th greatest movie star of all time and 37th sexiest movie star ever, he was chosen numerous times as one of People magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People (Sexiest Man Alive in 1985), and voted one of the Greatest Movie Stars of All Time by Entertainment Weekly. Despite all this, he met his wife through a dating service.

43. Contrary to popular belief, Angelina Jolie is actually not that attractive.

44. At one point, Jim Carrey and his family lived in a car and they all worked as janitors at a factory to make a living. As a child, Jim wore tap dancing shoes to bed, just in case his parents needed cheering up in the middle of the night.

45. The charming metal band Cannibal Corpse appeared in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) because they are Jim Carrey’s favorite band (!!).

46. Jim Carrey was Tupac Shakur’s favorite actor. While in prison, Carrey would write letters to Tupac to help him smile and laugh.

47. Tupac was cast in Menace II Society (1993) but was fired after a fist-fight with the film’s director, he auditioned for the part of Bubba in Forrest Gump (1994), and won a role in the film Woo (1998) but was shot and killed five days before filming began.

48. Brad Pitt’s first job was dancing in a chicken suit to attract customers to an El Pollo Loco restaurant on Sunset Blvd.

49. Okay, I made up number 8, 20, and 31, but they seem right, don’t they?

50. Everything else is true.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so,” joked Douglas Adams in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Scientists aren’t laughing, though. Some speculative new physics theories suggest that time emerges from a more fundamental—and timeless—reality.

Try explaining that when you get to work late. The average U.S. city commuter loses 38 hours a year to traffic delays.

Wonder why you have to set your clock ahead in March? Daylight Saving Time began as a joke by Benjamin Franklin, who proposed waking people earlier on bright summer mornings so they might work more during the day and thus save candles. It was introduced in the U.K. in 1917 and then spread around the world.

Green days. The Department of Energy estimates that electricity demand drops by 0.5 percent during Daylight Saving Time, saving the equivalent of nearly 3 million barrels of oil.

By observing how quickly bank tellers made change, pedestrians walked, and postal clerks spoke, psychologists determined that the three fastest-paced U.S. cities are Boston, Buffalo, and New York.

The three slowest? Shreveport, Sacramento, and L.A.

One second used to be defined as 1/86,400 the length of a day. However, Earth’s rotation isn’t perfectly reliable. Tidal friction from the sun and moon slows our planet and increases the length of a day by 3 milli-seconds per century.

This means that in the time of the dinosaurs, the day was just 23 hours long.

Weather also changes the day. During El Ni?o events, strong winds can slow Earth’s rotation by a fraction of a milli-second every 24 hours.

Modern technology can do better. In 1972 a network of atomic clocks in more than 50 countries was made the final authority on time, so accurate that it takes 31.7 million years to lose about one second.

To keep this time in sync with Earth’s slowing rotation, a “leap second” must be added every few years, most recently this past New Year’s Eve.

The world’s most accurate clock, at the National Institute of Standards and Technology in Colorado, measures vibrations of a single atom of mercury. In a billion years it will not lose one second.

Until the 1800s, every village lived in its own little time zone, with clocks synchronized to the local solar noon.

This caused havoc with the advent of trains and timetables. For a while watches were made that could tell both local time and “railway time.”

On November 18, 1883, American railway companies forced the national adoption of standardized time zones.

Thinking about how railway time required clocks in different places to be synchronized may have inspired Einstein to develop his theory of relativity, which unifies space and time.

Einstein showed that gravity makes time run more slowly. Thus airplane passengers, flying where Earth’s pull is weaker, age a few extra nano-seconds each flight.

According to quantum theory, the shortest moment of time that can exist is known as Planck time, or 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 second.

Time has not been around forever. Most scientists believe it was created along with the rest of the universe in the Big Bang, 13.7 billion years ago.

There may be an end of time. Three Spanish scientists posit that the observed acceleration of the expanding cosmos is an illusion caused by the slowing of time. According to their math, time may eventually stop, at which point everything will come to a standstill.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The shortest complete sentence in the English language is “I am.”

•The most used letter in the English alphabet is ‘E’, and ‘Q’ is the least used!

•Floccinaucinihilipilification, the declaration of an item being useless, is the longest non-medical term in the English language.

•Goddessship is the only word in the English language with a triple letter.

•The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet!

•The sentence “Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs” uses every letter of the alphabet and uses the least letters to do so!

•There is a lawsuit every 30 seconds in the U.S.

•More than 50% of time spent in U.S courtrooms is over automobile cases.

•The world’s longest-named lake has 45 letters (Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg).

•In the U.S. there are 18 doctors called Dr. Doctor, and one called Dr. Surgeon. There is also a dermatologist named Dr. Rash, a psychiatrist called Dr. Couch and an anesthesiologist named Dr. Gass.

•“Rhythm” is the longest English word without a vowel.

•The longest word in the English language is ‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis’ which describes a lung disease caused by breathing in particles of volcanic matter or a similar fine dust.

•“Jack” is the most common name in nursery rhymes.

•In the English language there are only three words that have a letter that repeats six times. Degenerescence (six e’s), Indivisibility (six i’s), and nonannouncement (six n’s).

•The only three words in the English language to have 2 consecutive u’s is vacuum, residuum, and continuum.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Redneck Joke-40 Things You won’t hear a Redneck Say!

Posted: 30 Aug 2009 05:30 AM PDT

40. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrestling’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever