Kohl's Shopping Trip

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Forum topic by Karson posted 05-12-2009 02:36 PM 1462 views 0 times favorited 17 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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35111 posts in 4362 days

05-12-2009 02:36 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

The Kohl’s Shopping Trip

Clutching their Kohl’s Department Store shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit—no flies, no smell.
“What business could that poor kitty have had here?”
murmured Ellen. “Come on, Ellen, let’s just go….”

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, “I’ll just put my things in your bag, and then I’ll use this tissue paper.” She dumped her purchases into Kay’s bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl’s bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen’s burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay’s Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.
After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay’s Chevy with the Kohl’s bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!

As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl’s bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. “Can you imagine?” finally sputtered Ellen. “The nerve of that woman!” Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she’d have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen’s eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl’s bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911 while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors—the Kohl’s bag perched on her stomach!

God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in a while He allows us to witness it!)

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia †

17 replies so far

View Rustic's profile


3253 posts in 3558 days

#1 posted 05-12-2009 02:57 PM

too funny Karson, hopefully the woman learned a lesson

--, Rick Kruse, Grand Rapids, MI

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27 posts in 3298 days

#2 posted 05-12-2009 03:05 PM

That is an awesome story.

View mmh's profile


3676 posts in 3684 days

#3 posted 05-12-2009 03:05 PM

TOO FUNNY! That should be made into a short movie!

I have a story I heard years ago that relates to this.

This was told by a customer of my mother’s store, Moy’s Oriental Kitchens, where she sold asian dry and canned goods, dinner and cookware and taught cooking lessons 5 days a week.
The woman was scheduled for a doctor’s appointment and needed to take a urine sample. Not having an official “sample” bottle, she found a miniture liquor bottle and descretely used it, put it in her car and drove to her scheduled appointment. She stopped off for an errand and left the car for a few minutes. Being that she was driving a convertable and it was a nice day, the roof was down. She returned from her errand and drove to the doctor’s office. When she arrived, she found that her mini liquor bottle was missing.

Someone apparently thought the bottle too enticing to leave alone in her car.

-- "They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." ~ Edgar Allan Poe

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Dick, & Barb Cain

8693 posts in 4261 days

#4 posted 05-12-2009 03:05 PM

No one could ever make up a story like this one.

Very good Karson!

-- -** You are never to old to set another goal or to dream a new dream ****************** Dick, & Barb Cain, Hibbing, MN.

View PurpLev's profile


8534 posts in 3610 days

#5 posted 05-12-2009 03:41 PM

haha….. now if that is a true story , or bast on real events- that would be even funnier!

thanks for the laugh Karson.

-- ㊍ When in doubt - There is no doubt - Go the safer route.

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27250 posts in 3784 days

#6 posted 05-12-2009 03:44 PM

Karson, thanks for the story. It made my day.

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View juniorjock's profile


1930 posts in 3727 days

#7 posted 05-12-2009 03:52 PM

Good one Karson. I think we all needed a good laugh.

View odie's profile


1691 posts in 3802 days

#8 posted 05-12-2009 03:56 PM

I know her. She has a new fur hat.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". (my funny blog)

View CharlieM1958's profile


16274 posts in 4180 days

#9 posted 05-12-2009 04:05 PM

Could have been Odie in drag.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

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12015 posts in 3717 days

#10 posted 05-12-2009 04:10 PM

Great Story, Karson!!

-- Lew- Time traveler. Purveyor of the Universe's finest custom rolling pins.

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#11 posted 05-12-2009 04:18 PM

An outstanding story THANK YOU !

-- Never board, always knotty, lots of growth rings

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Bob #2

3809 posts in 3983 days

#12 posted 05-12-2009 05:24 PM

I love stories with a nemesis ending.

Good one Karson


-- A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner

View a1Jim's profile


117060 posts in 3539 days

#13 posted 05-12-2009 05:29 PM

Hey Karson
Thanks for the fun story

-- wood crafting & woodworking classes

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#14 posted 05-12-2009 06:39 PM

This is even funnier than Douglas’ fingernail polish remover review ! Thanks for sharing , Karson !!

-- I'm absolutely positive that I couldn't be more uncertain!

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Dan'um Style

14171 posts in 3945 days

#15 posted 05-12-2009 11:04 PM

cool posting … great story

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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