LumberJocks

Tools (humorous)

  • Advertise with us

« back to Coffee Lounge forum

Forum topic by Don Newton posted 04-28-2009 07:42 PM 1279 views 2 times favorited 17 replies Add to Favorites Watch
View Don Newton's profile

Don Newton

714 posts in 3083 days


04-28-2009 07:42 PM

Topic tags/keywords: funny tools

Subject: Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh [bleep]!’

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Other uses may include launching nuts and bolts at a very high rate of speed when said items are squeezed too hard.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood Projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used To convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch!’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

-- Don, Pittsburgh


17 replies so far

View Don K.'s profile

Don K.

1075 posts in 2791 days


#1 posted 04-28-2009 07:48 PM

I laughed my butt off at some of those !!!! ALL to true.

-- Don S.E. OK

View Bret's profile

Bret

162 posts in 2959 days


#2 posted 04-28-2009 08:46 PM

Hysterical. Thanks for the laugh!

-- Woodworking is easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510...

View Karson's profile

Karson

35035 posts in 3865 days


#3 posted 04-28-2009 08:58 PM

Great laugh. But too true to be really funny.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia karsonwm@gmail.com †

View HokieMojo's profile

HokieMojo

2103 posts in 3193 days


#4 posted 04-28-2009 10:32 PM

its funny when it has happened to you in the past. It’s not funny when you know it is going to happen to you in the near future.

View Joe Weaver's profile

Joe Weaver

509 posts in 3151 days


#5 posted 04-28-2009 10:48 PM

way too true

-- Joe, Ga

View Beginningwoodworker's profile

Beginningwoodworker

13347 posts in 3137 days


#6 posted 04-30-2009 12:14 PM

Hum yes its truth.

View steveosshop's profile

steveosshop

230 posts in 3090 days


#7 posted 04-30-2009 03:48 PM

This is too funny.

-- Steve-o

View PirateOfCatan's profile

PirateOfCatan

57 posts in 2864 days


#8 posted 04-30-2009 04:23 PM

I kept getting a mental picture of ONE project in progress with new things going wrong as you use a new tool.

-- P.O.C.

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3447 days


#9 posted 05-10-2009 06:51 AM



-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3447 days


#10 posted 05-13-2009 06:02 AM



-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View stefang's profile

stefang

15512 posts in 2799 days


#11 posted 05-13-2009 07:50 PM

Thank you thank you Don. It’s been awhile since I’ve laughed so much. it just proves that humor is based on real life situations, since I have probably been involved in most of the described scenarios in one way or another. If I hadn’t looked at some of your stuff I would have suggested you should work at comedy full time. Do you?

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3447 days


#12 posted 05-16-2009 05:55 PM

When Felix, the regional sales manager for a machine tools company, got home from the office, his wife couldn’t help noticing that his tie was loose, his fly unzipped, his hair dishevelled, he smelled of perfume, and his collar was covered with lipstick.

“Rough day at the office” she commented.

“Not too bad,” he said nonchalantly. “Had to break in a new sales associate, but I think she’ll work out.”

“Does she take shorthand” asked his wife.

“No,” blurted Felix, “but she gives it.”

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Don Newton's profile

Don Newton

714 posts in 3083 days


#13 posted 05-18-2009 10:30 PM

Thanks all, I’m glad you enjoyed the post. It did not originate with me, I only passed it on.
Mike, Thanks but I am not a comedian, just a woodworker who poses as one!
Dan, Whew…..where did that come from?

-- Don, Pittsburgh

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3447 days


#14 posted 05-19-2009 04:25 AM



-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3447 days


#15 posted 05-25-2009 03:44 AM





-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

showing 1 through 15 of 17 replies

Have your say...

You must be signed in to reply.

DISCLAIMER: Any posts on LJ are posted by individuals acting in their own right and do not necessarily reflect the views of LJ. LJ will not be held liable for the actions of any user.

Latest Projects | Latest Blog Entries | Latest Forum Topics

HomeRefurbers.com