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Forum topic by Karson posted 04-12-2009 03:34 PM 5392 views 0 times favorited 17 replies Add to Favorites Watch
View Karson's profile


35032 posts in 3818 days

04-12-2009 03:34 PM

Topic tags/keywords: funny

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much PI.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. As it turned out, he was an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from a high school algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. The sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center stated: ‘Keep Off The Grass.’

15. A young boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was doing, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

21. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

22. Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects!

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia †

17 replies so far

View Russel's profile


2199 posts in 3356 days

#1 posted 04-12-2009 03:45 PM


-- Working at Woodworking

View GaryK's profile


10262 posts in 3406 days

#2 posted 04-12-2009 03:46 PM

You’re a sick man, Karson. :-)

-- Gary - Never pass up the opportunity to make a mistake look like you planned it that way - Tyler, TX

View CharlieM1958's profile


16229 posts in 3636 days

#3 posted 04-12-2009 03:51 PM

Cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View Gene Howe's profile

Gene Howe

8084 posts in 2846 days

#4 posted 04-12-2009 04:29 PM

1. Decimals have a point.
2. He said I was average – but he was just being mean.
3. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
4. My rechargeable batteries are revolting.
6. He stooped over to pick up a sieve and strained himself.
7. A garbage man is often down in the dumps.
8. Did he do that on porpoise or, just for the halibut?

-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

View firecaster's profile


570 posts in 2836 days

#5 posted 04-12-2009 04:39 PM

That was a great pick me up.

-- Father of two sons. Both Eagle Scouts.

View scott shangraw's profile

scott shangraw

513 posts in 3486 days

#6 posted 04-12-2009 05:15 PM

These are good.I don’t have any creative ones to add.

-- Scott NM,

View MsDebbieP's profile


18615 posts in 3578 days

#7 posted 04-12-2009 05:28 PM

groan! lol

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (

View Lee A. Jesberger's profile

Lee A. Jesberger

6819 posts in 3397 days

#8 posted 04-12-2009 05:36 PM

You need help Karson!


-- by Lee A. Jesberger

View Cantputjamontoast's profile


416 posts in 2850 days

#9 posted 04-12-2009 05:46 PM

I am going to borrow these to use at Scouts!!!!

Thank you and Happy Easter. He is Risen

-- "Not skilled enough to wipe jam on toast!"

View sharad's profile


1108 posts in 3222 days

#10 posted 04-12-2009 06:01 PM

Karson, that was really amusing. Thanks Gene for the further additions.

-- “If someone feels that they had never made a mistake in their life, then it means they have never tried a new thing in their life”.-Albert Einstein

View Woodwrecker's profile


3910 posts in 2993 days

#11 posted 04-12-2009 07:33 PM

Go build something Karson…..... lol
(Happy Easter)

-- Eric, central Florida

View Sean's profile


156 posts in 3032 days

#12 posted 04-12-2009 08:00 PM

ak…staggering…under…crushing weight…of…puns….

-- "Democracy is by far the worst system of government. Except all the others that have been tried." ~ Winston Churchill

View Dick, & Barb Cain's profile

Dick, & Barb Cain

8693 posts in 3717 days

#13 posted 04-12-2009 08:22 PM

Thank you Karson. LOL

Here’s some more one liners by Henny Youngman.

I just happened on them this morning.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
Henny Youngman

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
Henny Youngman

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.
Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
Henny Youngman

She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
Henny Youngman

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman

Take my wife… Please!
Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny Youngman

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.
Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Henny Youngman

-- -** You are never to old to set another goal or to dream a new dream ****************** Dick, & Barb Cain, Hibbing, MN.

View Allison's profile


819 posts in 3216 days

#14 posted 04-12-2009 10:42 PM

Wow, I sure ENJOYED these Karson . Thanks for the smile! Smiles are always great! Thanks for passing one along my way!

-- Allison, Northeastern Ca. Remember, Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic!

View tenontim's profile


2131 posts in 3162 days

#15 posted 04-13-2009 01:06 AM

Thanks, Karson. My avitar (Groucho Marx) speaks:

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

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