|Forum topic by Karson||posted 04-12-2009 03:34 PM||5427 views||0 times favorited||17 replies|
35035 posts in 3863 days
04-12-2009 03:34 PM
Topic tags/keywords: funny
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much PI.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. As it turned out, he was an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from a high school algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. The sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center stated: ‘Keep Off The Grass.’
15. A young boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was doing, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
21. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
22. Don’t join dangerous cults; practice safe sects!
-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia firstname.lastname@example.org †
17 replies so far
2199 posts in 3402 days
#1 posted 04-12-2009 03:45 PM
10262 posts in 3451 days
#2 posted 04-12-2009 03:46 PM
You’re a sick man, Karson. :-)
-- Gary - Never pass up the opportunity to make a mistake look like you planned it that way - Tyler, TX
16242 posts in 3681 days
#3 posted 04-12-2009 03:51 PM
Cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"
8251 posts in 2891 days
#4 posted 04-12-2009 04:29 PM
1. Decimals have a point.
-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton
570 posts in 2881 days
#5 posted 04-12-2009 04:39 PM
That was a great pick me up.
-- Father of two sons. Both Eagle Scouts.
513 posts in 3532 days
#6 posted 04-12-2009 05:15 PM
18615 posts in 3624 days
#7 posted 04-12-2009 05:28 PM
6819 posts in 3442 days
#8 posted 04-12-2009 05:36 PM
416 posts in 2895 days
#9 posted 04-12-2009 05:46 PM
I am going to borrow these to use at Scouts!!!!
Thank you and Happy Easter. He is Risen
-- "Not skilled enough to wipe jam on toast!"
1108 posts in 3267 days
#10 posted 04-12-2009 06:01 PM
Karson, that was really amusing. Thanks Gene for the further additions.
-- “If someone feels that they had never made a mistake in their life, then it means they have never tried a new thing in their life”.-Albert Einstein
3925 posts in 3039 days
#11 posted 04-12-2009 07:33 PM
Go build something Karson…..... lol
-- Eric, central Florida
156 posts in 3078 days
#12 posted 04-12-2009 08:00 PM
-- "Democracy is by far the worst system of government. Except all the others that have been tried." ~ Winston Churchill
8693 posts in 3762 days
#13 posted 04-12-2009 08:22 PM
Thank you Karson. LOL
Here’s some more one liners by Henny Youngman.
I just happened on them this morning.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.’
I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Take my wife… Please!
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
-- -** You are never to old to set another goal or to dream a new dream ****************** Dick, & Barb Cain, Hibbing, MN. http://www.woodcarvingillustrated.com/gallery/member.php?uid=3627&protype=1
819 posts in 3262 days
#14 posted 04-12-2009 10:42 PM
Wow, I sure ENJOYED these Karson . Thanks for the smile! Smiles are always great! Thanks for passing one along my way!
-- Allison, Northeastern Ca. Remember, Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic!
2131 posts in 3207 days
#15 posted 04-13-2009 01:06 AM
Thanks, Karson. My avitar (Groucho Marx) speaks:
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
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