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Forum topic by lew posted 03-23-2009 10:49 PM 1102 views 3 times favorited 22 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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lew

10159 posts in 2506 days


03-23-2009 10:49 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Knowing how Lumberjocks love toys and gadgets, I figure this story had to have happened to a Lumberjock- or a future Lumberjock:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest.The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.. ..

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor… A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S… My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Lew

-- Lew- Time traveler. Purveyor of the Universe's finest custom rolling pins.


22 replies so far

View Napaman's profile

Napaman

5365 posts in 2828 days


#1 posted 03-23-2009 11:49 PM

ouch! I already fear electricity after getting a good shock as a kid…funny story…

-- Matt--Proud LJ since 2007

View Gary Fixler's profile

Gary Fixler

1000 posts in 2132 days


#2 posted 03-24-2009 12:07 AM

HAHA! I love the writing style. This had me in stitches.

-- Gary, Los Angeles, video game animator

View cabinetmaster's profile

cabinetmaster

10874 posts in 2309 days


#3 posted 03-24-2009 12:18 AM

ROTFLMAO….....................THis was one sharp dumbass…...............LOL

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27251 posts in 2572 days


#4 posted 03-24-2009 12:24 AM

Thanks, Lew. This made my day.

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View Mike's profile

Mike

391 posts in 2367 days


#5 posted 03-24-2009 12:38 AM

Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to do stuff like that?

Remionds me of a story of two 18 year olds who were trying to shoot each other from 20 feet with loaded shotguns…they missed. The reporter asked the Sheriff about charges, the Sheriff said. They were not good shots, they were standing in front of a barn and couldn’t even hit that. Charges, no. There is no law against stupidity.”

Famous last words of a redneck….”Hey ya’ll watch this….....”

But hey Lew, live and learn and maybe you need to buy the SAW STOP…...........hehehehehe

-- Measure once cut twice....oh wait....ooops.

View Bureaucrat's profile

Bureaucrat

18329 posts in 2402 days


#6 posted 03-24-2009 02:01 AM

Way too funny.

-- Gary

View Padre's profile

Padre

930 posts in 2239 days


#7 posted 03-24-2009 02:18 AM

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- Chip -----------http://www.penmanchip.com-----------------Micah 6:8

View Gene Howe's profile

Gene Howe

6057 posts in 2179 days


#8 posted 03-24-2009 02:24 AM

Shocking story! Electrifying humor. Not revolting at all.

Thanks for keeping us current.

-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

View kolwdwrkr's profile

kolwdwrkr

2821 posts in 2341 days


#9 posted 03-24-2009 03:30 AM

Pretty funny stuff

-- ~ Inspiring those who inspire me ~

View TopamaxSurvivor's profile

TopamaxSurvivor

15088 posts in 2426 days


#10 posted 03-24-2009 03:40 AM

That is funny!!!! One of those things you just have to try ;-)) Being an electrician, I would resist the temptation, I’ve had enough already. One was close to what you describe! If I hadn’t been 20 yrs old and in extremely good shape, i probably would have been electrocuted ;-(

-- "some old things are lovely, warm still with life ... of the forgotten men who made them." - D.H. Lawrence

View Rustic's profile

Rustic

3156 posts in 2347 days


#11 posted 03-24-2009 04:05 AM

way to funny but you know that we have to do it even if our mother or wife says not to because we are men and we don’t have to change.

-- www.carvingandturningsbyrick.com, Rick Kruse, Grand Rapids, MI

View woodworm's profile

woodworm

14134 posts in 2341 days


#12 posted 03-24-2009 05:00 AM

I was about to leave my pc when I my eyes caught LJs notifier of this post from Lew. Very funny…you make me LOL…
The climax of this joke is (may I call it the punchline) ”....and now regularly threatens me with it!” that really makes me giggling…ROFLOL….HA…Ha…Haaa…...!

Thanks Lew for holding me from early morning ww… LOL….

-- masrol, kuala lumpur, MY.

View Greg3G's profile

Greg3G

815 posts in 2836 days


#13 posted 03-24-2009 05:10 AM

I haven’t laughed this much in a long time! THANK YOU Lew, you really made my day. I read this to my wife and she couldn’t stop laughing.

-- Greg - Charles Town, WV

View woodworm's profile

woodworm

14134 posts in 2341 days


#14 posted 03-24-2009 05:22 AM

Ha ha ha…. I’m still in laughing mood!

-- masrol, kuala lumpur, MY.

View ryno's profile

ryno

106 posts in 2414 days


#15 posted 03-24-2009 05:36 AM

I’ll just stick to gettin flowers

-- It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

showing 1 through 15 of 22 replies

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