The New Economy Revisited

i think gorden brown uses the same ideas as chuck except we dont complain

andy

-- cut it saw it scrap it

That’s a good one Odie! Can’t beat that for realism! LOL!!!
P.S. May I “borrow” this?

-- Allison, Northeastern Ca. Remember, Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic!

My A – - Had a laugh too.

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

BE CAREFUL OF THOSES BANKERS ODIE

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

When someone does something that makes you angry, don’t give in to the temptation to argue and fight.

Just count to ten, remain calm and super-glue their flip flops to the floor.

I could watch this one over and over? Oh wait a minute, I have!!!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Jarrod, Taos, NM http://jzmurphree.wordpress.com/

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Odie and Grumpy. My hats off to you two cool guys…......................LOL

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Flying the Economy Class.

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Yeah, use your own oil !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

WOW, this is my 1000th post !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

One of them knows me ???

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

How to Fix the Economy

There was an article in “The St. Petersburg Times News
Paper”. The Business Section asked the readers for ideas
on “How to fix the economy?”

This guy was right on.

Dear Mr President,

Patriotic Retirement:

There are about forty million people over fifty years

of age in the work force in the U.S.

Give each one of them one million dollars severance

pay with these stipulations.

#1. They must leave their jobs.

BINGO!! Forty million new jobs.

Unemployment fixed.

#2 They buy a new American made automobile.

BINGO!! Again – Auto industry fixed.

#3 They buy a new home or pay off their mortgage.

BINGO!!! Again- Housing crisis fixed.

Like I have been saying,they are bailing out the wrong people.

Honestly, why wouldn’t this work?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

What are you trying to say Odie ? Which one knows you ?

This economy is so bad look who needed a second job.

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?

She replied, I’d give food and houses to all the homeless
people.

Her parents beamed.

Wow…what a worthy goal, I told her, but you don’t have
to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to
my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway,
and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery
store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50
to use toward food and a new house.

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me
straight in the eye and asked, Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over
and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50??

I said, Welcome to the Republican Party!

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me 8-)

-- Gene

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had never failed a single student before but had, once, failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer. The professor then said ok, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism.

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A. After the first test the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. But, as the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too; so they studied little.. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame, name calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else. All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great; but when government takes all the reward away; no one will try or want to succeed.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The following is a great explanation of how our tax system works; it’s by an economics professor.

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics
For the undecided.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. ‘Since you are all such good customers,’ he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.’

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers?
How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. ‘I only got a dollar out of the $20,’declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man,’ but he got $10!’ ‘Yeah, that’s right,’ exclaimed the fifth man. ‘I only saved a dollar, too.
‘Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!’ ‘Wait a minute,’ yelled the first four men in unison. ‘We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!’ The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I got’ ‘That’s true!’ shouted the seventh man.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works.
The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
>

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

ODIE You’re wise beyond your years ! Let’s all toast ODIE !

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

I do like it when “Bag Boy” pats me on the back …..

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker.. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. If you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it.

7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’, I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s…

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
By the end of this year only two banks will
Be left operational ….

The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

how much does those banks pay down under ? ever make a deposit ?

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Yes, the blood bank. How about you.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Everyone is feeling it !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

New Stock Market Terms

CEO—Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO—Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET—A random market movement causing an investment banker to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET—A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING—The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO—The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER—What my broker has made me.

STANDARD &POOR—Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST—Idiot who just downgraded your stock..

STOCK SPLIT—When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER—A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION—The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW—The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO—What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS—What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR—Past year investor who should be now locked up in a nut house.

PROFIT—An archaic word no longer in use

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

GUY WAS WALKING ALONG THE BEACH ONE DAY WHEN HE SAW ANOTHER YOUNG MAN OUT IN THE SURF HOLDING THIS OLDER LADY BY THE HAIR.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?”

“THIS IS MY MOTHER, I’M DUNKING HER IN THE SURF.”

OK, THE GUY HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO, SO HE SAT DOWN TO WATCH THE SHOW.

ALONG STROLLED A POLICEMAN AND HOLLERED OUT TO THE YOUNG MAN. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOUNG?”

“THIS IS MY MOTHER, I’M DUNKING HER IN THE SURF.”

“YOU CAN’T DO THAT. STOP IT IMMEDIATELY ! ! ! “

AT THIS, THE IRRATATED YOUNG MAN WALKED INTO SHORE AND HIT THE OFFICER AND KNOCKED HIM DOWN.

THE COP JUMPED UP, PULLED OUT HIS PISTOL AND (READY FOR THIS?)

“ALRIGHT KNOCK IT OFF, YOU MOTHER DUNKING COP SOCKER.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Two old rednecks (my kinfolk) walk into a bank to get a loan for their woodshop business. Just in side the door they spot a lady holding her throat, gagging, turning red. One rednick ask’s ‘are you choaking? She nods her head yes. He ask’s can you breathe? She shakes her head no. Suddenly he pulls her pants down and licks her on the butt. She cough’s twice, starts breathing, pulls up her pants and thanks him. The other rednick says….”I’ve always heard of that hind lick manuver but this is the first time I’ve seen it work!!

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

ODIE, DON’T LET THAT SNOW MELT.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

This is great!!! Some of these almost had me crying they are so funny.

Odie….fair warning….you better quit hanging around with Condoleezza Rice, George will get jealous.

I think Odie has started more crazy topics than anybody else here.

I vote he gets a Lumberjocks award for making us laugh so much.

Thanks Odie, you definitely make this forum more fun.

-- Kirk H. -- http://www.kjwoodworking.com

Thanks Kirk … have another.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

WOW Grumpy !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

I was so depressed last night thinking about my job, the economy and everything crazy going on in my life so I called Lifeline.

Must have got a @#$%^ call center run by the Taliban, I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Did you ask them what brand of truck ?

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table ..everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built
all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be …. quiet, serene…. and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see. Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor;
your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ’ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other than our flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The Indian economy seems OK.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Gene

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Gene

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Gene

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
Due to the recent economic crisis, stock market crash, budget cuts and the rising cost of insurance, electricity, petroleum, housing, and taxes of all kinds,increasing cyclones,oilspills,tornadoes,bush fires and natural disasters The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The Americans With No Abilities Act

Washington , DC – President Barack Obama and the Democrat controlled
Congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new
benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act
(AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of
the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and
drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in
society,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer
stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and
passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able
to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because
they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy  Pelosi and
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S.
Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing
opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74  percent of
postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single
largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination
against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry
(68%), and home improvement warehouse stores (65%). At the state
government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an
excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).

Under AWNAA, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be  created,
with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus
providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given
so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable
employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to
corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of  Inability
into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and
medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for
every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more
difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for  example,
discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any  skills or
experience that relate to this job?

“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people  who
have something going for them,”
said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at  the
GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her inability to remember
rightey tightey, lefty loosey.
“This new law should be real good for people like me,” Gertz added. With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of
other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the
tunnel.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL), “As a Senator with no abilities, I
believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be
extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as
lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of
his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this
great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Doesn’t mean much now…

This video clearly shows that George Bush warned
Congress starting in 2001, this economic crisis was
coming, if something was not done. But Congress refused to
listen, along with the arrogant Congressman, Barney Frank.
This video says it all.

The liberal media reportedly did not want this video on
You Tube; it was taken off.
This link is of the same video, but is routed through
Canada. Everyone in America needs to see this before it is
yanked off the internet again!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMnSp4qEXNM&NR=1

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Another new Illness to watch out for…. Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. “What’s the matter?” he asks.
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?”
“I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who’s hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama’s presidency.

The old rancher said, ‘Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘Post Turtle’’. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, ‘When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. ‘You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, and he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with’.

-- Gene

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

This is what happens when DC takes over GM

Car of the NEAR future ? ? ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAqPMJFaEdY

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

With the UAW owning 55%, I give GM a year, maybe less, before they’ll need more bail out $$.
I believe the Soviets tried this, too. Didn’t work for them, either.
What will they do to make Ford less profitable? Watch for it. It’s coming.

-- Gene

-- Gene

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Q. Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A. In case someone wants black coffee.

Q. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Gary Condit?
A. Nobody cares when Tiger buries a 5 footer.

Q. What’s a proctologist?
A. A crack investigator.

My new software said: “Install Win95 or better …”
So I installed Linux.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?
A. He couldn’t jit.

Q. Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A. He couldn’t budget.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. What’s the difference between city workers and lesbians?
A. They both don’t do dick!

A re-working of a classic…
Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the barman says, “Hey, why the long face?”

Have you heard about the new home cloning kit?
You open up the box and there’s one page of instructions. Actually, just one instruction: “Go fuck yourself.”

I heard Osama Bin Laden is running for his life.
Yep, It’s true. George Bush is sending O.J. Simpson to Afghanistan.

U.S. Newspapers (Some of you may be wondering about the hierarchy of newspapers in the U.S.)
Who reads what?
1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2.The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3.The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
4.USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand the Washington Post.
5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.
8.The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
9.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
10.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.

Q. Why don’t cannibals eat divorced womens?
A. Too bitter.

Oh Osama Bin Laden,
You Son Of A Bitch,
May Your Balls Develop
A seven Year Itch!
May Your Pecker Be Twisted
In Such A Manner,
That Your Asshole Whistles
The Star Spangled Banner.

Q. What Kind of shoes does a chicken wear?
A. Ree Bok Bok Bok

Q. What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A.You don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.

Q. Did you hear about the girl who wanted to join the Army?
A. She jumped over a campfire and got “Deferred”.

Famous Last Words…
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s…. Oh fuck, it IS a plane!”

Q. Did you hear about the Polish Special Forces?
A. They raided Macy’s because they heard Bed Linen was on the 4th floor.

Q. Did you hear about the Irish guy who took niagra instead of viagra?
A. He couldn’t stop pissing for a week.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The U. S. Geological Service issued a report in April (‘08) that only scientists and oil men knew was coming, but man was it big. It was a revised report (hadn’t been updated since ‘95) on how much oil was in this area of the western 2/3 of North Dakota ; western South Dakota ; and extreme eastern Montana …... check THIS out:

The Bakken is the largest domestic oil discovery since Alaska ’s Prudhoe Bay , and has the potential to eliminate all American dependence on foreign oil. The Energy Information Administration (EIA) estimates it at 503 billion barrels.. Even if just 10% of the oil is recoverable.. at $107 a barrel, we’re looking at a resource base worth more than $5.3 trillion.

‘When I first briefed legislators on this, you could practically see their jaws hit the floor. They had no idea.’ says Terry Johnson, the Montana Legislature’s financial analyst.

‘This sizable find is now the highest-producing onshore oil field found in the past 56 years.’ reports, The Pittsburgh Post Gazette. It’s a formation known as the Williston Basin , but is more commonly referred to as the ‘Bakken.’ And it stretches from Northern Montana, through North Dakota and into Canada . For years, U. S. oil exploration has been considered a dead end. Even the ‘Big Oil’ companies gave up searching for major oil wells decades ago. However, a recent technological breakthrough has opened up the Bakken’s massive reserves…. and we now have access of up to 500 billion barrels. And because this is light, sweet oil, those billions of barrels will cost Americans just $16 PER BARREL!

That’s enough crude to fully fuel the American economy for 41 years straight.

2. And if THAT didn’t throw you on the floor, then this next one should – because it’s from TWO YEARS AGO!

U. S. Oil Discovery- Largest Reserve in the World! Stansberry Report Online – 4/20/2006

Hidden 1,000 feet beneath the surface of the Rocky Mountains lies the largest untapped oil reserve in the world. It is more than 2 TRILLION barrels. On August 8, 2005 President Bush mandated its extraction. In three and a half years of high oil prices none has been extracted. With this motherload of oil why are we still fighting over off-shore drilling?

They reported this stunning news: We have more oil inside our borders, than all the other proven reserves on earth. Here are the official estimates:

- 8-times as much oil as Saudi Arabia
- 18-times as much oil as Iraq
- 21-times as much oil as Kuwait
- 22-times as much oil as Iran
- 500-times as much oil as Yemen
- and it’s all right here in the Western United States …

HOW can this BE? HOW can we NOT BE extracting this? Because the environmentalists and others have blocked all efforts to help America become independent of foreign oil! Again, we are letting a small group of people dictate our lives and our economy….WHY?

James Bartis, lead researcher with the study says we’ve got more oil in this very compact area than the entire Middle East -more than 2 TRILLION barrels untapped. That’s more than all the proven oil reserves of crude oil in the world today, reports The Denver Post.

Don’t think ‘OPEC’ will drop its price – even with this find? Think again! It’s all about the competitive marketplace, – it has to. Think OPEC just might be funding the environmentalists?

Got your attention/ire up yet? Hope so! Now, while you’re thinking about it … and hopefully P.O’d, do this:

3. Pass this along. If you don’t take a little time to do this, then you should stifle yourself the next time you want to complain about gas prices .. because by doing NOTHING, you’ve forfeited your right to
complain.
————
Now I just wonder what would happen in this country if every one of you sent this to every one in your address book.

By the way..this is all true. Check it out at the link below!!!

GOOGLE it or follow this link. It will blow your mind.

http://www.usgs.gov/newsroom/article.asp?ID=1911

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Stimulus Payment Info.

“This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a Very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV Set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the MIddle East.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, it will go to bank management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Same with stock investments.

Instead, you can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only American businesses still operating in the US.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Do you hold any of the following stocks?

We have been informed that you hold shares in the following companies:

American Can Co.
Interstate Water Co.
National Gas Co.
Northern Tissue Co.

Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present
time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Good one Dan.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A LITTLE THREE YEAR-OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP.

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: “BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE.”
BILLY SAYS: “I’M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN’T GONE ‘DOODY’ YET.”

MOTHER SAYS: “OK, YOU CAN STAY THERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”

BILLY SAYS: “WORKS FOR KETCHUP.”

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

GOOD ONE ODIE

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The Economy Is So Bad…

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their childrens names.

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on. (Now, this is serious)

The Mafia is laying off judges.

And finally…

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Hey, neat…the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Three pictures tell 1000 words

President Bush

President Reagan

Nuff said

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The George W Bush Presidential Library
Now in the planning stages.
You’ll want to be the first in your neighborhood to make
a contribution to this great man’s legacy.

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can’t remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room,
where you don’t have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room
(Which no one has been able to find).

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour,
they make you go back for a second, third, fourth,
and sometimes a fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location,
complete with shooting gallery.

Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop -
Where you can buy (or just steal) an election.

The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet
some of your favorite Republican Senators.

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8
scale model of the President’s ego.

To highlight the President’s accomplishments,
the museum will have an electron microscope
to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn’t care so much
about the individual exhibits as long as his museum
was better than his father’s.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

give these a few moments to load !

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Wage & Hours Board of the Montana State Department of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the Half-Wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to … the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the Rancher

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

D … A …??? N, another good one.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

no nuts and no job ? sounds scary … guess I’d rather be rich and nutty too … but some of us do not have the rich part

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush’s mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs … Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won’t mention a lady’s weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh.

Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn’t help: the bear comes closer.

They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape.

“You should do it”, George W. says to Cheny, “The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can’t expect Mama, here, to fight the bear.”

“I guess you’re right”, Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, “For the G-O-P!”, and gets killed by the bear.

“Thank God for my brains”, George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase.

“Now it’s your time, mama”, George W. says. “Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her childern.”

“George!” G. W’s mama says.

G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard.

His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. “I guess you’re right”, she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed.

“Thank God for my brains”, George W. giggles.

But still the bear won’t stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : “You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I’ll take my gun and I’ll blow you to pieces!!”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

There’s one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: Our money.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health ,care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter…..”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

..
Barack Obama is used to having his picture taken, but something he is probably less accustomed to is having his image carved out in grass by a tractor. This aerial photograph shows how the US President’s face now adorns an area of countryside near Verona in Northern Italy, as the result of artist Dario Gambarin’s most recent project. The portrait, accompanied by the words, “The Hope is in the Land”, covers an area of 27,000 square meters and was created during a 90 minute performance by the Italian on July 5 2009. The release of the image coincides with Obama’s visit to Italy for the G-8 summit in L’Aquila.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?”

“Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

!!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

I’m embarrassed for my Republican friends to have someone that classless representing them. Wilson was a redneck knuckle-dragger.
what an imbecile…he represents the right wing of the republican party very well….a pack of imbeciles
There’s a time and a place… and this wasn’t it. Disgusting outburst. SC and the GOP should be ashamed to have Wilson represent them.
The Honorable Joe Wilson
United States House of Representatives
212 Cannon House Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20515-4002

DC Phone
Joe Wilson is a dope and that’s the truth
There is a time and a place for for a rebuttle, durring the President’s speech isn’t one on them.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python