Another Joke - I was in tears the first time I read this

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Forum topic by interpim posted 03-14-2009 03:52 AM 1261 views 1 time favorited 5 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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1170 posts in 3631 days

03-14-2009 03:52 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Tom and Eggs

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

“What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?” he asked.

“This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.”

“WHAT! Are you saying I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I’m too young,” said Tom. “I want you to send me back immediately.”

“It’s not that easy”, said St.Peter. “You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own.”

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad.

“I want to return as a hen,” Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

“Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about,” he said. “How do you like being a hen?”

“Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode.”

“Oh that!” said the rooster. “That’s only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg.”

“How do I do that?” Tom asked.
“Cluck twice, and then you push all you can.”

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘plop’ an egg was on the ground.

“Wow” Tom said. “That felt really good!” So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

“Tom, for Christ’s sake! Wake up! You’re crappin’ all over the bed!”

-- San Diego, CA

5 replies so far

View Bureaucrat's profile


18340 posts in 3825 days

#1 posted 03-14-2009 03:57 AM

Hank an 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “Hank, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with G od?”

Hank replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I’m done, POOF! the light goes off. ” WOW, That’s incredible” the doctor says..
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Hank’s wife.
“Ethel,” he says, “Hank is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done POOF! the light goes off?
“Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims.
“he’s peeing in the refrigerator again!

-- Gary D. Stoughton, WI

View Thos. Angle's profile

Thos. Angle

4444 posts in 4135 days

#2 posted 03-14-2009 04:55 AM

I’m Tom and I resemble that remark!!!!!

-- Thos. Angle, Jordan Valley, Oregon

View Sawdust2's profile


1466 posts in 4261 days

#3 posted 03-14-2009 03:23 PM

A fourth grade teacher was teaching biology and told her class that humans were the only animals that stuttered.

A little girl said that she had a cat the stuttered.

Knowing that kids are a wealth of knowledge she asked the girl to tell the class about her cat.

“One day she was in the backyard and the next door Rotweiler jumped over the fence. The cat said ‘Ssss’ ‘Ssss’ ‘Ssss’ but before she could finish saying ‘Shit’ the dog ate her.”


-- No piece is cut too short. It was meant for a smaller project.

View Tim Anderson's profile

Tim Anderson

23 posts in 3591 days

#4 posted 03-14-2009 03:50 PM

A up and comin’ rancher had his eye on the last remaining tract of land. He had bought up all the other plots except this one. An old farmer had been born and raised on this land and wasn’t about to hand it over to this young whipper snapper, whose only interest was the ‘bottom line’. The rancher had tried every imaginable ploy to get the old farmer to sell. Some legal and others rather shady. The seasoned farmer was shook or even remotely intimidated. Finally the rancher decided on friendship, so while weekly drive around he saw the old guy mending fences and he actually stopped to help. They worked their way down the line. The conversation of course turned to the 120 acre parcel of land. The rancher, having praised the farmer on his care and dedication of the land, ask the obviously rhetorical question of, “So, How much land to you have here?” “Oh, not much.” was the reply. “Just to that corner post, then east a 1/2 mile. ...perfect square, actually.” Pride overwhelmed the rancher as his said, “I get in my truck in the morning with a thermos of coffee and drive my line. When the coffee is gone and the afternoon is chores are callin’, I still haven’t made it around my estate.” The old man turns his weather face the younger man and with gentleness places a calloused hand on his shoulder, sayes, “Yeah, I had a truck like that once! Would ya like some help?”

-- Tim, Isanti MN

View papadan's profile


3584 posts in 3541 days

#5 posted 03-14-2009 07:04 PM

Sam and Martha have been married for 50 years. Every
year they have gone to the state fair, every year Sam
has looked at the airplane rides and told Martha that
he has never been up in a plane before. Every year
Martha tells Sam that the plane ride costs $10 and she
always says that $10 is $10. Well this year Sam saw
the plane ride at the fair and he told Martha that he
is 71 years old and that he may never get another
chance in his life to ride in an airplane. Martha said
that the ride costs $10, and you know $10 is $10. The
pilot overheard thier conversation and made them an
offer, if they could take the flight without saying
even one single word, they would not have to pay for
the ride. Sam and Martha accepted the pilots offer.
The pilot flew rolls, flips and loopdeloops without a
single sound from his passengers so he repeated all
the stunts again. The pilot never did hear a single
sound from the couple. After they landed the pilot ask
Sam how he was able to keep so quiet? Sam told the
pilot that he almost said something when Martha fell
out of the plane but $10 is $10.

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