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Forum topic by robbi posted 1996 days ago 858 views 0 times favorited 20 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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robbi

176 posts in 2588 days


1996 days ago

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Well, wildlife rescue came to rescue me. I had a visit from a very nice man yesterday that charged me $85 to assess my situation…his conclusion was….I have a racoon family living under one of my bathtubs and they are getting in thru the vent that is ripped open 6”. Wow, that was some NEW information….NOT!!! He kept insisting there couldn’t be any babies under there because it is too early in the season. I told him I certainly thought I heard them under the tub….so we walk back to the bathroom and he says, can you describe what it sounded like? I am explaining the squeeking noises to him and he is telling me how when there are babies (NOT this early) if you rap on the tub you can sometimes hear them….I said, yes, that’s what I did and he is very skeptical and looks at me rather strangely (why are people doing that to me so much lately??) and he raps on the tub. All of a sudden I say…oh…THAT’S what they sound like, only 4 days ago they weren’t quite that LOUD!! He acts all shocked and says, oh, this is way to early for babies. I said, you know, I told my daughter that once but she still had one. Some things can’t be controlled, so, now that we have established there are babies under there, what do we do? Since he STILL hasn’t told me anything I didn’t know before I gave him $85 I am hoping I am going to get my monies worth. So…he tells me that if he closes off the house with a one-way gate, the mom might come out but if she can’t get back in to her babies she will most likely freak out and make a whole lot MORE noise in the middle of the night, plus I will have the wonderful experience of listening to those little babies cry until they die…okay, option #2 please. I can crawl under your house ($60) and take some Mountain Lion poop ($25) (okay, he didn’t call it poop, but I like that word okay?) and put it around the tub and she would think there was a predator and move her babies to another location…maybe. And, as a bonus, he will inspect my heater ducts and let me know if she has done any damage. The $60 doesn’t sound all that bad considering I paid my daughter $20 once to crawl under there to run some cable and she was a third his size, but $25 for POOP?? Mountain Lions must have some amazing shit for that price. But…of course, I went with it. He gets all his really DIRTY crawling gear on (do they ever wash those things?) and starts his slow crawl under the house. His feet hadn’t disappeared from the opening after about 5 minutes and I said, why are you going so slow? And he says…what? I said, why are you going so slow, are you scared? And he says….YEAH…wouldn’t you be? I said yeah, but I don’t do this for a living either…crazy man….maybe he needs a new job! So, he does his “poop” thing and then comes out and says, you know, the only thing I wonder is if there is access through your walls up to your attic, because she might relocate them to the attic…uh….could you have told me that BEFORE you put POOP under my house? But then…relief…he tells me he could actually reach them to remove them if they do that…so it will only cost me $85 to have him come back and do that. Goody! Or, the other possiblity is that she won’t leave, (personally I think racoons are smart enough to know that Mountain Lions aren’t going to just crap in your area, and that man looked nothing like a mountain lion, they will try you out for dinner after the crap) and he will help me remove my outside wall so that he can actually REACH them and remove them…he didn’t tell me exactly what that might cost but I’m sure it will be SOMETHING! This morning I wake up to the very real squeeling of yet even more mature babies still under my tub. I banged on the tub and they got louder, I’m thinking of naming them…I think they may be part of the family for a while. It’s odd to think that I have racoons and now mountain lion poop under my bathroom…what next

-- robbi-Yadahooty!


20 replies so far

View Damian Penney's profile

Damian Penney

1140 posts in 2625 days


#1 posted 1996 days ago

ha! Best bet is to make their life miserable during the day, perhaps blast some music under the house during the day or shine some really big halogens under there. They sleep during the day, so daytime is the best time to annoy them.

-- I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso

View Karson's profile

Karson

34870 posts in 3034 days


#2 posted 1996 days ago

Maybe the Mountain Lion poop is the material to call in the real Mountain lions. Kind of a calling card. It’s like deer hunters spread Dear Urine around so it calls in the big deer hoping for a fight and then end up in his/her sights.

Just giving you a bit of light entertainment, like you gave us.

Good luck on getting them out of there.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

View Moron's profile

Moron

4666 posts in 2527 days


#3 posted 1996 days ago

Your story made me laugh.

I have a yearly “coon” problem as they take a “bite” from each and every corn cob and this soliution works perfect everytime. I buy “Cluster Fly” powder from a farm supply, mix a generous amount into “Sprite” (pop/soda) in a large dishpan. They must think its coon candy and most die with their head or paw, still in the pan.

Way less money then cougar poop.

-- "Good artists borrow, great artists steal”…..Picasso

View ND2ELK's profile

ND2ELK

13495 posts in 2407 days


#4 posted 1996 days ago

And then you can hire the man to come back and get the dead coons out! And then the moutain lion can move in! I am guessing she will move them after they get alittle older. Good Luck!

God Bless
tom

-- Mc Bridge Cabinets, Iowa

View JuniorJoiner's profile

JuniorJoiner

445 posts in 2073 days


#5 posted 1996 days ago

as you know, young ones always leave the nest early when life is miserable at home.
if it was me, i would put a radio in the tub speakers down(no water for this maneuver)
and cover it with a blanket so i didn’t have to hear it.
a few days of talk radio day and night vibrating through their home, and they will head out, maybe even faster if it is that rush guy.

-- Junior -Quality is never an accident-it is the reward for the effort involved.

View Padre's profile

Padre

930 posts in 2122 days


#6 posted 1996 days ago

Robbi,

This made my day!!!! You should consider writing for a magazine like Erma Bombeck used to.

-- Chip -----------http://www.penmanchip.com-----------------Micah 6:8

View Allison's profile

Allison

819 posts in 2432 days


#7 posted 1996 days ago

I realize this really must be driving you nuts, but as a reader of your predicament, I can not help but smile. You have such a great story telling capabilities. I am actually laughing, (with you) I sure hope your guests leave you soon and you don’t have to dole out any more money. I do hope as I am sure anyone who reads this will, that you will update on your predicament!
PEACE!!!

-- Allison, Northeastern Ca. Remember, Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic!

View Damian Penney's profile

Damian Penney

1140 posts in 2625 days


#8 posted 1996 days ago

This is a great account of one mans battle with Raccoons

-- I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it. - Pablo Picasso

View JPBatts's profile

JPBatts

41 posts in 2010 days


#9 posted 1996 days ago

If the poop doesn’t work you can try clamping a light shining onto their nest. If that doesn’t work you might add a radio, they may not like the noise. But then again, they have a roof over their head, entertainment and light and heat. Not a bad life for a ‘coon.

-- If she asks please tell my wife that I can sell my tools for what I paid, okay?

View Kindlingmaker's profile

Kindlingmaker

2654 posts in 2160 days


#10 posted 1996 days ago

I should not have read your story while eating my lunch! I just about choked to death laughing! Does every town have a guy like that one? : )

-- Never board, always knotty, lots of growth rings

View papadan's profile

papadan

1139 posts in 2002 days


#11 posted 1995 days ago

Someone pass the popcorn while we wait for the next chapter.

-- Carpenter assembles with hands, Designer builds with brains, Artist creates with heart!

View kiwi1969's profile

kiwi1969

609 posts in 2075 days


#12 posted 1995 days ago

Did he follow the mountain lion around to get it,s poop, or can you buy it at wal mart.

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

View EEngineer's profile

EEngineer

890 posts in 2247 days


#13 posted 1995 days ago

Junior Joiner’s suggestion is a good one! My girlfriend had an infestation of raccoons in the attic. Momma and 4 little ones moved in when a storm damaged the eves of her roof. They found a way down the walls and were regularly raiding the pantry.

I took an extra stereo, ran the speakers wires up to the attic and blasted rock-n-roll at them. It took almost a week (maybe they liked rock-n-roll?) but one night at dusk we saw Momma and the little ones leaving never to return. Of course, we fixed the damage as soon as they were gone.

-- "Find out what you cannot do and then go do it!"

View Craftsman on the lake's profile

Craftsman on the lake

2382 posts in 2071 days


#14 posted 1995 days ago

instead of music… how about getting a 20 second recording machine tape. you know the ones that save your greeting then loop over and over again every 20 seconds. Record a cougar sound to it. I’ll bet a search online would yield one. Heck run a movie on your dvd player and record the lion’s growl after the MGM movie is finished. Then use that as the sound. At least it’s less irritating and more informative than Rush as recommended above.

-- The smell of wood, coffee in the cup, the wife let's me do my thing, the lake is peaceful.

View Craftsman on the lake's profile

Craftsman on the lake

2382 posts in 2071 days


#15 posted 1995 days ago

I had a shed once where mice chewed the bristles of a great wide ceiling paint brush that I dearly liked. I set a mouse trap. It disappeared. I got a rat trap about 4×6” it disappeared. I took another rat trap and nailed it to the floorboards with a 6penny nail. It disappeared. From then on I just locked the shed door. I wasn’t going to tangle with a 6 foot mouse.

-- The smell of wood, coffee in the cup, the wife let's me do my thing, the lake is peaceful.

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