HAPPY BAG HEAD DAY !!!! ..... IT IS fun BEING ...... BAD

Maybe I’ll miss him, but with any luck my aim will be better next time.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

GOLF, don’t get me started on GOLF! I don’t know anything about golf. :( Had a fellow ask me if I made custom putters once. Seemed to think there would be a market there. Idea?

-- mtnwild (Jack), It's not what you see, it's how you see it.

Who the hell is Terrell Owens? Golf doesn’t work well in the winter.
Lets stick to wood.

-- Rod Baltimore Ontario

No I will not miss Terrell and Golf…........................Man I can’t remember when I had time to play a round of golf….................LOL….......................hey wait a minute, If I can’t play golf, I should seel those clubs and buy something for the woodshop….......mmmmmmmmmm, yes I should.

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

OK How about Barry Bonds. Will he ever work again?

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

I gave up golf. I found out I was no better at it playing once a week than leaving it for 6 months. Time to give it up. The best game of golf I every had was when I threw away the score card & just hit the ball.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Tried golf once, could not get past those windmill blades…..

-- Berta in NC

link to MJ ticket info

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Since we have a new coloured president. Is MJ going to bring back all of his pigment again.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

Barry who?

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

MJ who?...................LOL

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

Golf? I like golf. Dont play it though.
M.J.? Dont like weirdos. Never played with them either. Unless…...
T.O.? I know Mr. Attitude. I will miss him only when I hit him.
How about Paul Harvey? I miss him. Anyone else?

Anyone ever hear of Ernstien Farnsmacker?

-- Got Wood?

I haven’t heard Paul Harvey in 30 years.

Ernstien Farnsmacker Nope. And Google hasn’t either. you?

At least I’m in Google. Earliest January 1, 1984

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

Ernstein who? Not much better on Terrell or Barry… don’t give a ** about MJ. Although I do wonder if the bookies will give odds on him going through with the concerts.
Don’t play golf, except for the kind with the windmills.
Kayaking, anyone?

-- John, co-owner Sawdust 'n Stitches

I think that the odds on MJ are such that you bet $2.00 to win $1.00

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

Paul Harvey just passed away.

My personal opinion is that this would be a better world without people like M.J. There is just something way wrong with him. WAY wrong.

Karson, thats a pretty neat text pic. I had to laugh at the typo… Jacuary 1 1984!

jeh412,
We are gonna try kayaking up near Copper Harbor Michigan this summer. After training, taking the sea kayaks out on Lake Superior. Any advice for my first time??

-- Got Wood?

don,t drown is pretty good advice

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

Jim: a beautiful place to sea Kayak is at the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore, just East of Munising. It’s about 30 miles North of my “Workshop in the Woods”. If you get U.P. my way let me know.

-- "Heaven is North of the Bridge"

The UP is great…unless you are looking for work. I had to become a troll to find work. (inside joke.) I would love to go back thee. NMU 91 grad.

-- Hope Never fails

I haven’t heard a reference to trolls in years. Gave me a bit of a chuckle. I love the U.P. but it’s just so far away. :-(

-- Working at Woodworking http://www.VillageLaneFurniture.com

We had upwards of 75 mph winds last night. Not terribly unusual for this area. Tore some roofing of the lumber storage building.
Still very windy, this AM. Soon as it dies down, gotta getup there. LOML, will help. She’s experienced.

-- Gene

Did someone say kayaking ? Paddle Micheal, paddle !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Has any one seen my tape…I just set it down somewhere@#!!!&*

-- http://www.woodsongsfurniture.com

Here it is Dennis. In my pocket. Along with the pencil(s).

-- Gene

Terrell Who ? Ha Ha !

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

My head hurts from reading this!

-- Never board, always knotty, lots of growth rings

JimKing201: You’ll love kayaking. We used to canoe and on a whim tried out some kayaks. Sold the canoe the next week. Completely different perspective on things when you’re so close to the water. We stick to lakes, mostly state parks in PA, but went to Kelleys Island, OH, last summer and kayaked on Lake Erie. Pretty windy and we were able to surf in on the waves around the breakwater. Very cool! Also had a couple of days with moderate winds so we were able to make some progress in the lake.

Training is good! We’ve mostly learned on our own but looking at some instruction through a local outfitter.

-- John, co-owner Sawdust 'n Stitches

I thought Golf was called Ahh! Sh*t! for the longest time. If you go Kayaking in the UP in Superior better wear a good warm wetsuit. That water stays about 32 degrees year round. Not really but just about, went swimming t there once ended up with two peanuts for tenders. If you know what I mean. It is cold. Nothing compared to Erie. I too am a troll, from under da bridge.

-- Mike. mwurm13@yahoo.com

golf thats a waste of a good walk isn’t it as for MJ he’s over here promoting his new tour we all hope he wont be hanging babies over balconys any when soon lol…....... FREAK …..

ANDY

-- cut it saw it scrap it

Baseball is boring, and played by overly paid, chemically altered men.

-- Chip -- Manchester, Connecticut "When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."

Speaking of over paid did you hear about Terrell Owens….

-- http://www.woodsongsfurniture.com

Mike:

Carl Bonak, the weatherman in Marquette, has just reported that for the first time in many years Lake Superior has almost frozen over. This has affected the U.P.’s weather – more subzero temperatures and less lake effect snow.

-- "Heaven is North of the Bridge"

great deal on 1 1/2 inch JET c-clamps … real cute ones … and only 50 cents each … normally a buck ninety-nine
...
ROCKLER
BOUGHT FOUR OF THEM TODAY

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Dolphins super bowl champs 2009? Who knows, just hope they do it without Terrell Owens. We need a receiver but not TO!!

-- My job is to give my kids things to discuss with their therapist....medic20447@gmail.com

OMG! 8iowa it’s almost 60 degrees down here today. I won’t ask why you live up there though. If I did’nt have the kids down hear me and mom would be livin up there too. I luv the UP. Or further north. Ontarios my old stomping ground Chapleau district, Wakamata Lake, Quetico, and Lake of the Woods, around Sioux Narrows about 50 miles southeast of Kenora. Loved up there. I’m not allowed in Canada anymore, considered an undesirable. I got picked up for a DUI back in the early 70s. So I have to pay a $300.00 dispensation fee to get in. I won’t do it. I’ll settle for the UP.

-- Mike. mwurm13@yahoo.com

I can’t believe no one has mentioned fishing.

One of my favorite activities is fishing from a canoe on a secluded river. The fish are dumber there because not many people do it. I’ll be switching to a kayak when woodworking pays off (yea, right).

-- Father of two sons. Both Eagle Scouts.

I flew back form Sydney, Nova Scotia today and boy are my arms tired.

-- The significant problems we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them

Fishing is like waiting for a bus. It has that same anticipation that somehow, somewhere, something will show up.

-- Working at Woodworking http://www.VillageLaneFurniture.com

I used to fly fish. Quit when wife wouldn’t cook ‘em.

-- Gene

It’s almost Spring in Kentucky.
The River Otters have returned to my lake.
At least they don’t chew on my trees like those damn beavers.

-- Randy, Rustic Artisan, a family tradition. (No PM's - auto-deleted.) - "I am a seeker, not a follower."

only ever seen otters in a zoo, although i,ve seen a few beavers in my time( hehe)

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

Did you read about the hog farm problems in Iowa. .......Three million people and 20 million pigs

and no HOG SEWER SYSTEMS

... now that is not even funny !!!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

This is nuts, I’m going to go cast bullets with wooden moulds.

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

Russel, that’s why I like canoe fishing. Catching fish is secondary to the scenery and sometimes adventure.

-- Father of two sons. Both Eagle Scouts.

...crazy world we are spending millions locally to upgrade local sewage systems because of nitrates in an area where we dump billions of pounds of cow dung right on the ground and plow it in. My tax dollars at work…I think CAFCO’s are a sign of the end times.

-- http://www.woodsongsfurniture.com

Plowed in cow dung is the key to the longevity of the universe. Those nasty artifical nitrates are ocean posion! What are CAFCO’s?

PS. I already miss Paul Harvey :-((

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

Did you hear about the piper cub that crashed in a graveyard in Poland. Worst air disaster in this century. They’ve dug up over 200 bodies and they’re still finding more.

-- Mike. mwurm13@yahoo.com

It’s 4:00am, I’m drinking coffee, thinking about what I have to do today and how I’m going to get it done with out aggrevating the 2 bulging discs in my lower back (which is why I’m up at this hour) The dog woke up and is doing the potty dance now. .....hmmm….. Poop I forgot what I was going to type next

-- If at first you don't succeed...Don't try skydiving

I think I’m going to take a nap. I like naps. They sort of fill in the gaps between work, meals, snacks, sleep and woodworking.

-- The significant problems we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them

I’m dizzy now. Dan, you know what they say? “You can never have too many clamps.”

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Cafo’s…confined animal feeding operations
Take 10000 cows or pigs and put them in a barn. Corn in one end. Shit out the other. They use a lot of antibiotics.

-- http://www.woodsongsfurniture.com

are the antibiotics for the farmers or the customers

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

The cows. The antibiotics end up in the manure, the ground water….your milk. I don’t know if it hurts anything. It just seems like raising cows in piles of shit might cause some problems. Why should I worry I’m sure the good folks in Washington have it all under control.

-- http://www.woodsongsfurniture.com

HOPE

CHANGE

I grew up in Iowa. Some of those farms have several thousand pigs in a single building … surrounded by millions of acres of corn and soybeans. Some farms have dozens of manure spreaders.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

I grew up on a dairy farm. we milked 2x a day. Now, they run so many cows, they milk continuously! Glad I retired to a good paying trade ;-)

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

I puttered about New England yesterday in the Skylane.

My buddy and I departed Windham, CT, and landed several times in New Hampshire, Vermont, and Massachusetts, before returning home at sunset.

We had breakfast in VT, lunch in NH, and dinner (along with 63 gallons of cheap AvGas) in MA. It was a relaxing day that covered almost 800 miles. We were treated to airborne close ups of an Air Force C5 shooting approaches to Westover AFB, aerobatic craft, parachute jumpers, gliders, as well as airliners in Boston. On one leg, we just so happened to end up next to, as in about a mile away, a Beech Bonanza with the same departure and an destination locations, so we chatted on the standby radio for the 35 minute leg. Kind of like a Harley run at 7500 feet! <g>

Sometimes, puttering includes picking up a baggage compartment full (15-20) of growlers of Magic Hat brews that aren’t available in stores, at the Vermont brewery, and bringing them home. We’ll save that for later in the spring…

It’s almost like Spring sprung in New England this weekend.

-- - Please help keep Lumberjocks an enjoyable escape by refusing to participate in political discussions. Simply spit out the bait and ignore the thread...

Barry, It’s funny, but when you mentioned “puttered” in your post, Thomas Golf was advertising putters below in the Google ad. Or is it the name of the post that triggered it ? What do I have to say to get an ad for Mustang Ranch ? Oops, better not !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Unlike a harley run you only stopped three times and 7500ft is the average distance a harley can travel before crapping itself (if that doesn,t get a response I will be very disappointed)

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

“Unlike a harley run you only stopped three times and 7500ft is the average distance a harley can travel before crapping itself “

If the plane craps itself, travelling the 7500 feet back to the ground is not a problem. <g>

-- - Please help keep Lumberjocks an enjoyable escape by refusing to participate in political discussions. Simply spit out the bait and ignore the thread...

Craps itself…....craps itself…??? Is that a technical term?

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

Craps itself…must be back to the pigs and cows. Is that why they call Harleys hogs?

-- http://www.woodsongsfurniture.com

Craps itself…

A succinct technical term meaning “failed to continue operating as intended.” <g>

Then there’s “pooped the bed…”

-- - Please help keep Lumberjocks an enjoyable escape by refusing to participate in political discussions. Simply spit out the bait and ignore the thread...

theres also ” threw a leg out of bed” or as the aussies say ” died in the arse”

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

Damn how I love to play golf, i’m ready for spring to sprung so I can chase that little white bas** around 7,000 yards of real estate! Any turners here make me any extra tees?

-- Dan-- Info for all @ http://www.hoistman.com

I can’t imagine anyone wanting to chase a little ball around when they could be in the shop making noise and sawdust. I saw my cat today out by the barn chasing a mouse. He went by the wood pile, stopped and smelled the oak and forgot all about that mouse. My kinda cat!!!

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

It wasn’t the oak that he smelled…. it was a girl cat!

-- John - Tampa, FL - American components, Russian components..... ALL MADE IN TIAWAN!

this post was hilarious.

-- It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

You did say “Got Wood”

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

I wonder if Bush will be in the selling Mesquite wood any time soon. Now that’s he’s moved back to the ranch.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

I got cut loose from my job last Friday. Really has me bumbed out. I mean, DANG!!! Now I don’t have headaches, no stress, I sleep at night and, all I have to do is head for the shop. I actually made a pistol grip for a shotgun today for a friend that asked for it last December. I cleaned part of the shop and found a brand new trim router, still in the box that I forgot I had bought.

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

Sorry to here about the job-loss Gary,.... the company I work for is owned by United Technologies.

UTC announced today 11,600 job cuts worldwide.

Our department of 30 US-based-field-engineers had a emergency meeting this afternoon. The bosses are waiting for the word. Everyone is concerned.

... anyone want to buy a framed tile ?

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Dan I hope that everything is OK for you. It’s a tough time.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

Terrell Owens! That name sounds familiar. Didn’t he play for the San Francisco Giants .. Oakland A’s? No wait he was the on the SF 49rs football team. Anyone remember Jonah in the Bible?

Golf! I played twice. My first and my last time!

-- Hans in San Jose; "I never met a board I didn't like!"

I played one game of golf in my life. God then leveled the course and had a temple built upon it. (true story)

-- http://www.woodsongsfurniture.com

did jonah play golf?

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

Jesus did,still hear references to his game on every course!

-- Dan-- Info for all @ http://www.hoistman.com

A New Throne

A tribal chieftain commissioned the construction of a new throne. When it was finished, he was not satisfied, so he commissioned another one. Meanwhile, he put the rejected throne in the attic of his grass hut.

When the second throne arrived, he still was not satisfied.
He put it in the attic and commissioned another more elaborate one.

Well, the third one arrived, and wouldn’t you know it, he still was not happy, so up to the attic it went.

Finally he sent for the best craftsmen from the surrounding villages, gave them explicit instructions, and told them to take as long as they needed. After six long months, the craftsmen finally appeared with the masterpiece. The chief was elated, and he ordered it placed right in the center of his hut. As he got himself comfortable on the beautiful throne, a big smile came across his face. The craftsmen were so relieved they had succeeded that everyone broke out in song and dance, creating quite a commotion. Then, in the middle of the jubilation, some of the structural supports were jostled, the ceiling collapsed, and the three rejected thrones in the attic came tumbling down on the chief, killing him instantly.

So, the moral of the story is simple: people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones!

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

Hope it goes your way Dan. Not a good time to be without income. I had a good severance package so I’m not without. After losing 46% of my retirement, I still have a ways to go.
A skunk got into the house a couple of days ago. Got in thru the doggie door. Not a real pleasant experience.
Kiwi, Jonah didn’t play golf…..he preached. He had a real fishy experience on the way to a revival

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

Had some friends playing golf the other week. they had to use the bunker as an actual bunker when the police had a shootout with some carjackers on the road nearby. The police won which isn,t bad going since once of the badies had a handgrenade and a AK, but I thought it was curious that 4 of the 6 were shot face down in a neat line on the grass verge. My friends then finished their game. True story

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

Dan, heard anything about the job yet?

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

Nothing makes me angrier than playing golf. Missing the fairway, topping the ball, hitting a bunker, landing in the water, and that’s just the driving range. But I wait every year for the snow to go away so i can get out the clubs. It’s a love/hate relationship.

-- Don't tell her I'm in the shop!

nothing new on the job … big web meeting. Commercial airline spares business is way down.

got this in a email

A LICK AND A PROMISE

‘I’ll just give this a lick and a promise,’ my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture.

‘What is that supposed to mean?’ I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue.

‘It means that I’m in a hurry and I’m busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.

‘A lick and a promise’ was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases:

1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)

2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)

3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don’t remove the bad one)

4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)

5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)

6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)

7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person)

8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won’t let loose )

9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)

10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)

11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)

12. Calaboose (a jail)

13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)

14. Dicker (To barter or trade)

15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)

16. Hold your horses (Be patient!)

17. Hoosegow ( a jail)

18. I reckon (I suppose)

19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)

20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)

21. Madder than an old wet hen (really angry)

22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)

23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)

24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)

25. Pert-near (short for pretty near)

26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)

27. Red up (clean the house)

28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)

29. Scarce as hen’s teeth (something difficult to obtain)

30. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)

31. Sparking (courting)

32. Straight From the Horse’s Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)

33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)

34. Sunday go to meetin’ dress (The best dress you had)

35. We wash up real fine (is another goodie)

36. Tie the Knot (to get married)

37. Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)

38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)

39. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)

40. Wearing your ‘best bib and tucker’ (Being all dressed up)

41. You ain’t the only duck in the pond (It’s not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I’ll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don’t be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I’ve been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I’m no spring chicken. I haven’t been just stringin’ around and I know I’m not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just

A lick and a promise

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Michael believes in global warming.

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

Stay !!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Local Shopping Centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
‘Now you stay. Do you hear me?’

‘Stay! Stay!’

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,

‘Why don’t you just put it in park ?

-- Gene

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Ahh yes, blonds and baseball

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

You Wish!

-- Gene

They are having a dinner /speech with former President George Bush in Calgary.

The tickets are $400.00 a plate.

I sent my money in early and asked for a leg.

Bob

-- A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Geeze Dan, I’ve seen some ugly dogs, but that one takes the cake!

-- Gene

Dang Gene, that ain’t no dog….that’s a politician giving a speech on change, global warming and the stimulus. See all the confidence in his beady eyes

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

>>Dang Gene, that ain’t no dog….that’s a politician giving a speech on change, global warming and the stimulus. See all the confidence in his beady eyes>>

Oh, now I see it.
Veeerrry subtle differences.

-- Gene

Exhale Nancy !

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

COOL POST!!!!!!

-- Only the Shadow knows....................

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

‘Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?’

‘Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.’

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ‘It looks like you have seen a lot of action.’
‘Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.’ The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, ‘You know, you s hould lighten up a little. Just relax and enjoy yourself.’
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, ‘You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
‘1955, ma’am,’ he said. ‘Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room Where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, ‘Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.’
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch….. ‘I Hope Not; It’s Only 2130, Now.’

-- Gene

GO GENE !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

I wonde if this is going to take 4 minutes to down load

-- RTB. "dumb animals are not stupid they simply can't talk "

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

A woodworker is applying for a job and must answer three questions!
Here’s your first question,” the foreman said.
“Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” The woodworker says. “Dat is easy,” and proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the foreman asks.
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the woodworker.
“Fair enough,” says the foreman. “Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ”’Ere you go.”
The foreman scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
” Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
The foreman is getting worried he’s going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
” The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred.”
The foreman looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!
” The woodworker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred… So when I start?”

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

RTB,

Did it?

-- Gene

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man (see above) who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?’ No, I had to stop drinking years ago, ‘the homeless man replied.

‘Will you use it t o go fishing instead of buying food?’ the man asked.’ No, I don’t waste time fishing, ‘the homeless man said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?’ the man asked. ‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless man. ‘I haven’t played golf in 20 years!’

‘Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?’ the man asked.’ What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?’ exclaimed the homeless man.

‘Well, ‘said the man, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.’ The homeless man was astounded.’ Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

The man replied, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women.’

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Mikey left the furniture shop Friday afternoon and cashed his pay check in the bar, it was a good check, he had worked a lot of overtime, enough that he was able to party until Monday afternoon. He went home to face his wife knowing that he would be in trouble.
All she said was, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for three days?”
With his mind still in a bit of a haze he replied, ” That would suit me just fine.”
Tuesday came and he didn’t see his wife, then Wednesday the same, by Thursday he could just see her out of the corner of his left eye.

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Pat and Mike came over to America on the boat together.
On the day they arrived in Philadelphia they found a room and that night they vowed to find jobs the next day.
On the evening of the next day they compared notes.
Pat: “So, Michael, did ya find any work?
Mike: “Nay, nodda bit, Paddy. And you?”
Pat: “Aye. Found work in a tool factory. Don’t ya know, they works to a thousandths of an inch!”
Mike: “A thousandths of an inch!!”
Mike ponders this for a moment and then asks:
“Paddy, how many thousandths are there in an inch?”
Pat: “Sure, Michael, and I don’t know. From the looks, there must be millions of them!”

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Doesn’t anyone work around here? ; )

-- Don't tell her I'm in the shop!

We used to work but now we,re all unemployed. gotta say laughing beats working even if it doesn,t pay the rent!

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

So true, kiwi!

-- Don't tell her I'm in the shop!

If it weren’t for making sawdust I’d have no fun attall!

-- Drink once, cut twice. New website up.... lazylarrywoodworks.com.au

Man Sentenced For Lewd Act With Vacuum Cleaner
Last Update: 8:59 am
SAGINAW, Mich. (AP)—A Michigan man is going to jail—for sex with a car wash vacuum.

Jason Leroy Savage was sentenced yesterday to 90 days in the Saginaw County slammer. He pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month.

Savage was busted early one October morning after someone reported suspicious activity at the car wash.

Police say they caught Savage in the act with a vacuum cleaner. In addition to jail time, Savage must also submit to drug testing.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

At least no one was raped.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

I was watching the news last night. NW La had tornado’s, mostly east of Shreveport. Went to the kitchen to get coffee and looked out the window just in time to see a pickup come flying off the road, thru my pipe and cable fence and about 45’ out into the pasture. Don’t know how he lived thru that but wasn’t hurt at all. Wish I could say the same for my fence.

-- Gary, DeKalb Texas

Karson, What about the vacuum cleaner ?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

I did not have sex with that machine…vacuum cleaner!

-- Gene

At least that hooker didn’t have any teeth, and it was probably cheaper.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

life imitates art

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Notice the smile.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

“Marriage Definitions”

BACHELOR: A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.

BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.

HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn’t do it.

HUSBAND: A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single in the first place.

WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

-- Its never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

It’s spring time in Truckee

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Hope a big one doesn’t show up and drag that flow all over the lake.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…...

-- miles125, Alabama.."Architecture is frozen music""

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

While I was here, I couldn’t resist. You’ve got to love golf.

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, ‘Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.’

Her boyfriend asks, ‘What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?’

The blonde says, ‘According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.’

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

‘First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.’

He takes her hand and says, ‘Second, I want you to relax.. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then ..’ he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . . .

‘Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.’

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

Eaten some strange things since i,ve lived in the Philippines but this is the strangest. Civet coffee is made when the civet cat chows down on coffee beans from the bush and when they are passed thru they are collected dried and ground into coffee. It sells for 6 to 7 USD a cup. Not a bad drop actually. I,ve been told to eat shit a few times in my life, but I never thought it would actually happen.

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

Hey kiwi man … how to mail me a pound of that cat-crap-coffee?

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

How to Fix the Economy

There was an article in “The St. Petersburg Times News
Paper”. The Business Section asked the readers for ideas
on “How to fix the economy?”

This guy was right on.

Dear Mr President,

Patriotic Retirement:

There are about forty million people over fifty years

of age in the work force in the U.S.

Give each one of them one million dollars severance

pay with these stipulations.

#1. They must leave their jobs.

BINGO!! Forty million new jobs.

Unemployment fixed.

#2 They buy a new American made automobile.

BINGO!! Again – Auto industry fixed.

#3 They buy a new home or pay off their mortgage.

BINGO!!! Again- Housing crisis fixed.

Like I have been saying,they are bailing out the wrong people.

Honestly, why wouldn’t this work?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

I had a problem with glue today. See my review for LOCTITE POWER GRAB

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

NBA playoffs may be better this year in OHIO
http://www.nba.com/playerfile/zydrunas_ilgauskas/index.html
...
TIP for FINE WOODWORKERS …

I bet a lot of NBA players like hand made furniture. Might be a good place to mail some brochures.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Where do I keep finding these ?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Bible Sales

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church
storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.

But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, “Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?”

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, “Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.”

“Fine job, Jack!” The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.”

Turning to Paul, “And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?”

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.”

The minister responded, “That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.”

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?” Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?

“The minister exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?”

Louie just nodded. “That’s impossible!” both Jack and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the minister! agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.”

Louie shrugged. “I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know ff-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks—-o-o-o-or—- wo-wo-wou ld yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m -me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

—Terrell Owens showed up for the Buffalo Bills’ voluntary workout sessions a few weeks late and wondered what all of the fuss was about. link

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Mr. Goldberg wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pileup on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but….. something happened. I’m trying to break this gently… but the fact is… your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Goldberg groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did… maybe even better! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000.00 per inch.’

Goldberg perks up at this!! ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘It’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in five inches this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

He agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, ‘So, have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have,’ says Mr. Goldberg.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘Yes, she has,’ he says.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re getting granite countertops.’

-- Gene

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Hey Odie, who is that guy and why is he wearing a shirt with a polo game on it?

-- Gene

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Not a response to your post, Odie. I want my $$ back, too!

-- Gene

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Gene

Gene, to think I was afraid to post some of what I found.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

OH, ODIE!
Fear paralyzes. Go forth and fear no more.

-- Gene

Here are the winners of this year’s Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter
it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly..

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj.. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

WINGS OF FIRE

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

And he got paid for doin that, how cool. Thanks for the 80,s music flashback by the way.

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

I’m not seeing a lot of love for poor Michael here…We’re liable to make him cry :-(

-- Mike in Manchester, NH---Unpleasant tasks are simply worthy challenges to improve skills.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Hellmann’s Mayo

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo.

And now you know where the name originated!

Happy Sinko de Mayo Day everyone.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

oh yeah right. I,m googling that one.

-- if the hand is not working it is not a pure hand

Karson, sometimes you crack me up … Happy Sinko de Mayo to you too !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

No Googling necessary! Now, we know the rest of the stroy ;-))

-- Debt is nothing more than the 21st Century's form of slavery.

got these in an email

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Dental practices and the last one, lunch time walk around the practice?

Bob

-- A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Michael, Michael What have you done?

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

Tried golf. Danged ball kept going where I hit it instead of where I wanted it to go… Gave it up.

-- Professional firefighter (retired). Amateur everything else I try to do.

From Drop Box

Bob

-- A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner

Good one Bob ! Here’s another ….

——- Subject: A salesman

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo
man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car
and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown
bag on the front seat between them.

“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the salesman, “it’s a bottle
of wine. I got it for my wife.”

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, “Good
trade.”

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son.

Michael says, “How long before we can have sex?”

The doctor says, “At least wait until he’s walking.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

<h5>fun pics free.com-Funny Pics and Crazy Pictures</h5>

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

Dan: That’s almost too much. If it had Joe Biden’s head on that body, then, it would be too much!

-- Gary, South Central Wisconsin. So much to learn, so little time!

Dear Lonely …

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

Buttercups and Golf balls…

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature!”

“Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?”

“Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life … As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!”

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?”

Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.”

Tom shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

“We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

“I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball—stuck right in the middle of the … well that’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

That second one made my laugh so hard I cried.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins . With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story….........

Pay your bills.

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

DAN, I’m so confused. How many topics is this? HAPPY BAG DAY !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

I think the bag men are winning …

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

You guys be good now !

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)

-- ??? My mistakes heat the house. It's very warm in here. ???

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

-- work from your heart and your spirit will live forever

The requests just keep flooding in.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke". http://woodstermangotwood.blogspot.com/ (my funny blog)