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Understand your Tools (Humor)

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Forum topic by mrdull posted 03-03-2009 06:31 AM 1289 views 2 times favorited 9 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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mrdull

55 posts in 2841 days


03-03-2009 06:31 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

I’M SURE MOST OF YOU HAVE SEEN THIS BUT IT IS STILL FUNNY, hope this offends no-one.

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh—‘

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMN-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

SUBSTITUTE VOLTMETER —Holding the black wire in one hand and the white wire in the other to determine just how alive the circuit is… after that, I then applied strategic use of the damn-it tool two or three times…COURTESY OF DUSTYAL

PENCIL: An every day item found all over the house and shop until it’s time to start working. At this time it likes to hide anywhere it can including the ever-frustrating places such as behind my ear. COURTESY LocalMac.

-- “Duty is the sublimest word in our language. Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more. You should never wish to do less.” General Robert E. Lee, C.S.A.


9 replies so far

View PurpLev's profile

PurpLev

8523 posts in 3109 days


#1 posted 03-03-2009 07:04 AM

haha, I just saw that a couple of days ago somewhere, but it’s definitely worth the repeat :) thanks for the reminder…. haha

-- ㊍ When in doubt - There is no doubt - Go the safer route.

View PG_Zac's profile

PG_Zac

366 posts in 2850 days


#2 posted 03-03-2009 01:36 PM

Thank you

I needed the laugh today

-- I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

View HallTree's profile

HallTree

5663 posts in 3228 days


#3 posted 03-03-2009 06:30 PM

Laugh when I read it, cry when it happens to me.

-- "Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life" Solomon

View John Gray's profile

John Gray

2370 posts in 3346 days


#4 posted 03-06-2009 06:33 AM

Thanks for the laugh.

-- Only the Shadow knows....................

View Craftsman on the lake's profile

Craftsman on the lake

2523 posts in 2899 days


#5 posted 03-06-2009 06:48 AM

Too much! Funny. Thanks, I’ve experience most of these.

-- The smell of wood, coffee in the cup, the wife let's me do my thing, the lake is peaceful.

View GaryD's profile

GaryD

623 posts in 2830 days


#6 posted 03-12-2009 04:07 PM

Oh, the dam it tool is so true!!!!!!!

-- Gary, Little River,SC I've Learned that the Lord didn't do it all in one day and neither can I

View scottb's profile

scottb

3648 posts in 3788 days


#7 posted 03-12-2009 04:14 PM

If we weren’t laughing… we wouldn’t understand.

-- I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it. - Van Gogh -- http://blanchardcreative.etsy.com -- http://snbcreative.wordpress.com/

View LocalMac's profile

LocalMac

281 posts in 2867 days


#8 posted 03-19-2009 04:17 AM

Hahaha! Great post. They are all so very very true. Here’s one you forgot:

PENCIL: An every day item found all over the house and shop until it’s time to start working. At this time it likes to hide anywhere it can including the ever-frustrating places such as behind my ear.

-- Don't tell her I'm in the shop!

View dustyal's profile

dustyal

1279 posts in 2936 days


#9 posted 03-19-2009 05:18 AM

... and the tool I invented just the other day: Substitute voltmeter—Holding the black wire in one hand and the white wire in the other to determine just how alive the circuit is… after that, I then applied strategic use of the damn-it tool two or three times…

I did need a grin or two this evening…

-- Al H. - small shop, small projects...

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