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Forum topic by Dan'um Style posted 12-12-2014 01:22 AM 1107 views 0 times favorited 13 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3446 days


12-12-2014 01:22 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor


The original link got broken so I am recycling… I remember this was a food fight joke or something…. first couple guys explain everything.

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain


13 replies so far

View oldsawtooth's profile

oldsawtooth

113 posts in 738 days


#1 posted 12-12-2014 01:56 PM

well we don’t have no snow, so how about a dirt clod in its place!

-- James,Alabama,http://www.woodworkerJames.com

View Grumpy's profile

Grumpy

21563 posts in 3314 days


#2 posted 12-13-2014 11:43 PM

How about a meat pie

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

View Dark_Lightning's profile

Dark_Lightning

2633 posts in 2572 days


#3 posted 12-14-2014 03:53 AM

Ooohhhhh, hit me with a meat pie, at low velocity! Can it be steak and kidney? Make sure it is still bubbling, please.

There won’t be any snow at my elevation this year, though. Rain’s been a pounder, so far.

-- Random Orbital Nailer

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Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3446 days


#4 posted 03-18-2015 12:45 AM

!wo deputies call the station on the radio.

“Station, is that you, Sergeant?”

“Yes. Go ahead.”

“We have a case here, Sergeant. A woman has shot
her husband for stepping on the
floor she’d just mopped clean.”

“OK. Well, have you arrested her?”

“No sir . . . the floor’s still wet.”

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Bluepine38's profile

Bluepine38

3341 posts in 2548 days


#5 posted 03-18-2015 07:16 PM

Another answer could be “Hell no, my wife was going to scrub the floors today and I want to eat supper
at home tonight.”

-- As ever, Gus-the 77 yr young apprentice carpenter

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Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3446 days


#6 posted 03-28-2015 01:10 AM

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’
‘98,’ she replied…. ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented..
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked…
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Bluepine38's profile

Bluepine38

3341 posts in 2548 days


#7 posted 03-28-2015 02:53 PM

Do not know if this counts as humor, but was finishing a wood bowl on the lathe that had warped, got it
finished except for a rough spot on the base. Figured I would use my Milwaukee ROS to finish it. Used the sander last summer in a shop roughly 12’ by 24’ and can not locate it. Will have to start spring cleaning
early, anyone else capable of loosing a medium sized tool in their shop?

-- As ever, Gus-the 77 yr young apprentice carpenter

View Dark_Lightning's profile

Dark_Lightning

2633 posts in 2572 days


#8 posted 03-29-2015 12:42 AM

I recently went to use my router to clean and square up the edges of some wood I cut, since the mini table saw was too small. The fixed base was not in the box where I expected it to be, with the plunge base. The router is usually mounted to the tiny router table. I’d show a picture of my “shop”, but I think the snickering from the gallery would just make me more depressed. Further, the transmission just failed in my muscle car. I’m entertaining selling it to buy more wood working tools. I have enough vehicles. But I still have my sense of humor, right above my sagging britches. You can see it when I squat to fix the plumbing…

-- Random Orbital Nailer

View NoThanks's profile

NoThanks

798 posts in 992 days


#9 posted 03-29-2015 12:49 AM

^Just for your info, a 1963 Rambler is not a muscle car! yuk yuk yuk….

-- Because I'm gone, that's why!

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Dark_Lightning

2633 posts in 2572 days


#10 posted 03-29-2015 02:55 AM

But a 1963 Rambler is a pretty funny looking car! ...I would NEVER own one, except if it was given to me, and then I’d find me a sucker to sell it to.

-- Random Orbital Nailer

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Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3446 days


#11 posted 03-29-2015 08:13 PM

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do…

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
_
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Dallas's profile

Dallas

3599 posts in 1950 days


#12 posted 03-29-2015 08:14 PM

Lol, I drove a 63 Rambler Classic 40 miles to work and 40 miles home every day for 2 years, I lost second gear in the first year and third gear at the start of the first year.

I still drove that silly car 55mph in first gear all the way to work and all the way home, it just never quit.

By the way, that venerable 232 engine is the same engine used in Jeep for decades. Maybe not a muscle car, a strong runner nonetheless. The is a difference in going a quarter mile and doing an overhaul, (My 70 Dart Swinger with the 500 Hemi was that way), but it’s a completely different story doing the daily grind at max RPM for the poor little engine and it still held together.

-- Improvise.... Adapt...... Overcome!

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14167 posts in 3446 days


#13 posted 04-02-2015 09:03 AM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

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