And then the fight started.

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started…..

My wife asked me to get her watch fixed the other day and I replied “why bother…there is a clock on the stove”

And then the fight started…...

-- David, South Windsor, CT "I love the smell of sawdust in the morning"

My wife asked what one of her friends I thought was the best looking,
And then the fight started

I haven’t spoke to my wife for three weeks now, I don’t want to interrupt her.
( if she sees this, there will be a fight)
Smitty

-- Smitty!!!

My wife asks if I can do some thing and I answer , I could !! ( and then the fight starts )

-- Ageingwood - artsplae1@msn.com No time , retired

I snuggled up to the ol battle axe last night and started nibblin on her ear. she said leave me alone my back hurts. I said ” I suppose ya got a tooth ache too?” havent seen her since but the doc says these black eyes should start to open up in a couple of days sooo….... :-]>

-- hey honey! watch this!

In a discussion with the wife once about the frequency of physical activity I said, “Without that part of our relationship we’re just friends…and not even really good friends.”

Big mistake.

-- "Not skilled enough to wipe jam on toast!"

my ex wife ask me if she happen to die would i remarry . i said i suppose i might . she said i guess youd give her my golf clubs ? i said probably not shes left handed ! and thats when she took my house and buick !

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for
our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she
said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

-- JJ...... I guess you could say I'm a 54 year old "juniorjock". — Make things with wood.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as Iwas flipping channels.She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…

-- JJ...... I guess you could say I'm a 54 year old "juniorjock". — Make things with wood.

A woman was standing nude, looking in the
bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to
her husband, ‘I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near
perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

-- JJ...... I guess you could say I'm a 54 year old "juniorjock". — Make things with wood.

My wife keeps asking me, “When are you going to finish the kitchen cabinets?”. I tell her that her Aunt had curtains over the cabinets for 40 years, so what’s the problem,.

Then the fight started . . .

True story on the curtains. Her aunt died 5 years ago and her uncle just a month ago. I asked her if he ever got cabinet doors made. She said no.

-- What happens in the workshop stays in the workshop. No wait that doesn't sound right. Karson Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
$7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better
at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

-- JJ...... I guess you could say I'm a 54 year old "juniorjock". — Make things with wood.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour .

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back
into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed,
and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is
terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you
believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started …

-- JJ...... I guess you could say I'm a 54 year old "juniorjock". — Make things with wood.

I’ve got a million of ‘em….... well not really. But a bunch.
- JJ

-- JJ...... I guess you could say I'm a 54 year old "juniorjock". — Make things with wood.

my sister went to the doctor she asked to have about 40 pounds of ugly overlapping fat removed he cut off her head LOL Alistair

-- excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for retirement benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later with my I.D.

The woman said,’Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said,’That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said,’You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability benefits, too’

And then the fight started…..

-- http://www.grandprairiewoodworks.com http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6453794

When we got married I commented on how glad I was that she was wearing white…as she would easily match the rest of the appliances!

And then I bent over to pick up my teeth…

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

My wife told me last week she liked to talk on the phone during sex….yeterday she called me from Cleveland…

And then the fight started…

-- David, South Windsor, CT "I love the smell of sawdust in the morning"

my wife asked for something shiny to go on her finger. I got her a set of reflective welding gloves… now she has something shiny for all 10 fingers… Hey honey, can I borrow the gloves? I need to do some welding.

-- making sawdust....

I happened to be in the bath room when my wife stepped out of the shower. I said,” That is one wrinkly butt.” I got the stare and thought to correct myself, “That’s OK, I like corduroy.” That was some fight.

-- Thos. Angle

the wife was wiping this cream across her chest and noticing my inquisitive eye she said “It’s gonna make them grow”!

I said “use toilet paper”

“Why”

“well, you’ve wiped that across your backside for years and look at the size of it!”

I awoke in an ambulance

-- http://www.furnituremann.ca/

My ex asked if her jeans made her butt look fat.

I told her, No- but your ass definetly makes the jeans look bigger.

When I came to she was gone.

-- The only easy wood project is a fire

When my wife was 8 months pregnant with our son we went shopping for a new dress that she could wear to a formal occasion. After a full day of hitting every store in the state with no results she was very upset. I told her that I knew a place she could get a dress. I headed to a place I knew about and pulled into the parking lot and she asked why we were there and I stated “you should be able to find a dress here” ——Lexington Tent and Awning Company and that is when the fight started.

-- Those that say it can't be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.

The secret of a long, painless marriage is for men to learn to keep their mouths shut and for wives to remember not to ask such leading questions.

-- RTB. "dumb animals are not stupid they simply can't talk "

It seems funny that most of these start out with “my ex-wife”

-- There is no such thing as a mistake. Its called a design modification Rick Kruse, Grand Rapids, MI

The one piece of marriage advice my boss gave me was a simple phrase: “You’re right, I’m wrong, what on earth was I thinking”. It may or may not actually work, cause I can’t deliver the line without cracking up

Sometimes even an attempt at that phrase can diffuse a “and then the fight started” situation, other times it makes it worse

-- Steve -- University Heights, Ohio

A newlywed couple was in their honey moon suite… The man tossed his pants to his bride and said “put these on”. She replied, “I can’t fit in those!”. “That’s right!” he said, “Remember who wears the pants in this family.”

She handed him her panties and said “why don’t you put these on?” He looked at her and said “I can’t get into those.”

“That’s right. And you aren’t gonna until your attitude improves.”

-- Derek, Bremerton WA --

In an effort to be helpful I pointed out to my lovely wife that there was a timer on the stove and she no longer needed to rely on the smoke detector as a timer.

And then the fight started

A man was not feeling good so his wife took him to the doctor. The man went into the doctors office and the doctor examined him. When the doctor was done he asked the man if his wife was with him. He said yes and the doctor said he wanted to see her alone. When the wife came into the office, he told her that her husband was depressed and if she did the following things he would get better. When your husband comes home at night, let him sit in his easy chair, massage his feet, let him watch what programs he wants, fix what ever he wants for supper, give him all the sex he wants and he will get better. She said okay. When she went back out in the waiting room, the husband said “What did he say?” She told him, “YOUR GOING TO DIE!!!” When the husband found out what the doctor really said, the fight started!!

-- Mc Bridge Cabinets, Iowa

I was hoping to get more wood or tool jokes..
Tommy [BigStick]

-- Tommy, Pa, www.bigstickmfg.com

My wife wanted diamonds for her birthday, so I bought her a diamond sharpening stone.

-- Oldworld, Fair Oaks, Ca

...she said why do spend so much time on Lumberjocks.
Then the fight started.

-- http://www.woodsongsfurniture.com

She asked would I go to the store for her and to the wood store I went. ...and then the fight started…

-- Never board, always knotty, lots of growth rings

My wife said she was having trouble with her lower lumbar, so I had her raise the stack of lumber higher.

that’s when the fight started.

-- Oldworld, Fair Oaks, Ca

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE
GOD`S COUNTRY.
WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO
STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT`S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST
HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A
RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE.
“SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW
MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.”
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, “THAT THAR`S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF
LUMBER IN `ER.”
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A
MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW
AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT`S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT
CLASS.
THAT`S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE`S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL` BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND
GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!! ONE MORE TEST.
THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS
TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS,
“AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?”
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, “WHITE OAK, 242
BOARD FEET AT BEST”
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE
TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS.
AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP
OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, “SEE THAT TREE OVER
THERE?” I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, “IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT
OF THE TREE?”
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT
THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. “THAT THAR`S THE
FRONT”, THE REDNECK SAYS.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, “HOW DO
YOU KNOW THAT`S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?”
THE GOOD OL` BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT
BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, “CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A DUMP BEHIND
IT!”
HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
AND OF COURSE THAT’S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED

-- Life used to be soooo much simpler!!!!

I’ve ran to an ATM just to enter my debit card pin number incorrectly 4-5 times so that it would revoke my wife’s card when she went shopping. (Hey, it saves me a ton of cash to spend on tools… lol)

THAT’S when the fight started.

-- As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) †

And I hear Red Green saying, “I am a man. I can change. If I have to”

-- ~ Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

Why should we change? and the fight started

-- There is no such thing as a mistake. Its called a design modification Rick Kruse, Grand Rapids, MI

The best way to avoid fights is to follow these simple rules….

#1- The woman is ALWAYS right.

#2- If the woman is wrong, refer to rule #1.

#3- The woman reserves the right to change the rules at any time.

-- Adrian ..... The 11th Commandment...."Thou Shalt Not Buy A Wobble Dado"

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’
Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, ‘Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?’

-- Derek, Bremerton WA --

Starting fights is key. Make-up sex is a sure thing in my house.

-- Just 'cause a cat has kittens in the oven, it don't make 'em biscuits.