Tips From the Lumberjocks Book of Manners

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Forum topic by longgone posted 03-17-2014 11:01 PM 1013 views 0 times favorited 13 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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5688 posts in 3278 days

03-17-2014 11:01 PM

Tips From the Lumberjocks Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

13 replies so far

View gamygeezer's profile


166 posts in 1554 days

#1 posted 03-17-2014 11:14 PM

Y’all live around here, then?


-- What's a vibrant young guy like me doing in a broken down old body like this?

View lightcs1776's profile


4200 posts in 1623 days

#2 posted 03-18-2014 12:06 AM

Fantastic read!! You should post this in the Joke of the Day thread.

-- Chris ** If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. — Tom Paine **

View whitebeast88's profile


4128 posts in 2159 days

#3 posted 03-18-2014 12:29 AM


-- Marty.Athens,AL

View Monte Pittman's profile (online now)

Monte Pittman

28966 posts in 2307 days

#4 posted 03-18-2014 12:37 AM

That’s not funny in my neck of the woods. Ma taught us’ ns that when we were 18. Right outta 6th grade.

-- Mother Nature created it, I just assemble it.

View oxyoke's profile


57 posts in 2323 days

#5 posted 03-18-2014 12:48 AM

My gut hurts

-- Bill Byron Center MI

View JollyGreen67's profile


1663 posts in 2732 days

#6 posted 03-18-2014 01:18 AM

Yall know what happens when C&W is played backwards ?

You get your beer back . . . You get your dog back . . . you get you pickup truck back . . . you get your gun rack back . . . you get your girl back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

-- When I was a kid I wanted to be older . . . . . this CRAP is not what I expected !

View gfadvm's profile


14940 posts in 2659 days

#7 posted 03-18-2014 01:30 AM

Greg, I will admit that I have violated many of those guidelines more than once! Guess I “must be a redneck”.

-- " I'll try to be nicer, if you'll try to be smarter" gfadvm

View Gene Howe's profile

Gene Howe

10377 posts in 3398 days

#8 posted 03-18-2014 01:58 AM

It’s bad form to write stuff about a gal on the bathroom wall and not give phone number.

-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

View JollyGreen67's profile


1663 posts in 2732 days

#9 posted 03-18-2014 04:42 PM

Greg – I was laughing so much remembering that I used to live in amongst ‘em, I couldn’t resist the C&W bit.

-- When I was a kid I wanted to be older . . . . . this CRAP is not what I expected !

View JADobson's profile


1016 posts in 2080 days

#10 posted 03-18-2014 04:49 PM

gfadvm: That is why they are guidelines, not rules.

-- No craft is very far from the line beyond which is magic. -- Lord Dunsany

View Bluepine38's profile


3379 posts in 3054 days

#11 posted 03-18-2014 11:22 PM

Around here you always research the boss first, then take the appropriate growler in a good cooler. Only if
you are hired do you bring the growler and glasses in, if you are not hired you can share it with the other
applicants and maybe get a good job lead or two. You can sometimes find a good boss that does not drink
beer, which is the reason for the research. I can remember a couple of job interviews that were held in
bars. Very good construction jobs, but that was a couple of days ago. All the rest of the guidelines seem reasonable.

-- As ever, Gus-the 79 yr young apprentice carpenter

View Blackie_'s profile


4883 posts in 2482 days

#12 posted 03-21-2014 03:54 PM

Thanks for the laugh Greg.

-- Randy - If I'm not on LJ's then I'm making Saw Dust. Please feel free to visit my store location at

View TopamaxSurvivor's profile


18249 posts in 3645 days

#13 posted 03-21-2014 04:09 PM

Speaking of job interviews in bars; I was working in a bar fixing lighting. An aging guy was interviewing 2 young women to become apprentice electricians. It sounded to me like getting them to do electrical work was the furthest thing from his mind. The young ladies kept dragging him back on track ;-)) I always wondered if they took advantage of that rare opportunity?

-- Bob in WW ~ "some old things are lovely, warm still with life ... of the forgotten men who made them." - D.H. Lawrence

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