Tips From the Lumberjocks Book of Manners

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Forum topic by longgone posted 03-17-2014 11:01 PM 863 views 0 times favorited 13 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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5688 posts in 2732 days

03-17-2014 11:01 PM

Tips From the Lumberjocks Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

13 replies so far

View gamygeezer's profile


166 posts in 1009 days

#1 posted 03-17-2014 11:14 PM

Y’all live around here, then?


-- What's a vibrant young guy like me doing in a broken down old body like this?

View lightcs1776's profile


4145 posts in 1078 days

#2 posted 03-18-2014 12:06 AM

Fantastic read!! You should post this in the Joke of the Day thread.

-- Chris ** If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace. — Tom Paine **

View whitebeast88's profile


4086 posts in 1614 days

#3 posted 03-18-2014 12:29 AM


-- Marty.Athens,AL

View Monte Pittman's profile

Monte Pittman

21591 posts in 1762 days

#4 posted 03-18-2014 12:37 AM

That’s not funny in my neck of the woods. Ma taught us’ ns that when we were 18. Right outta 6th grade.

-- Mother Nature created it, I just assemble it.

View oxyoke's profile


57 posts in 1778 days

#5 posted 03-18-2014 12:48 AM

My gut hurts

-- Bill Byron Center MI

View Jimbo4's profile


1420 posts in 2187 days

#6 posted 03-18-2014 01:18 AM

Yall know what happens when C&W is played backwards ?

You get your beer back . . . You get your dog back . . . you get you pickup truck back . . . you get your gun rack back . . . you get your girl back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

-- BOVILEXIA: The urge to moo at cows from a moving vehicle.

View gfadvm's profile


14932 posts in 2114 days

#7 posted 03-18-2014 01:30 AM

Greg, I will admit that I have violated many of those guidelines more than once! Guess I “must be a redneck”.

-- " I'll try to be nicer, if you'll try to be smarter" gfadvm

View Gene Howe's profile

Gene Howe

8111 posts in 2852 days

#8 posted 03-18-2014 01:58 AM

It’s bad form to write stuff about a gal on the bathroom wall and not give phone number.

-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

View Jimbo4's profile


1420 posts in 2187 days

#9 posted 03-18-2014 04:42 PM

Greg – I was laughing so much remembering that I used to live in amongst ‘em, I couldn’t resist the C&W bit.

-- BOVILEXIA: The urge to moo at cows from a moving vehicle.

View JADobson's profile


659 posts in 1535 days

#10 posted 03-18-2014 04:49 PM

gfadvm: That is why they are guidelines, not rules.

-- James

View Bluepine38's profile


3337 posts in 2509 days

#11 posted 03-18-2014 11:22 PM

Around here you always research the boss first, then take the appropriate growler in a good cooler. Only if
you are hired do you bring the growler and glasses in, if you are not hired you can share it with the other
applicants and maybe get a good job lead or two. You can sometimes find a good boss that does not drink
beer, which is the reason for the research. I can remember a couple of job interviews that were held in
bars. Very good construction jobs, but that was a couple of days ago. All the rest of the guidelines seem reasonable.

-- As ever, Gus-the 77 yr young apprentice carpenter

View Blackie_'s profile


4527 posts in 1936 days

#12 posted 03-21-2014 03:54 PM

Thanks for the laugh Greg.

-- Randy - If I'm not on LJ's then I'm making Saw Dust. Please feel free to visit my store location at

View TopamaxSurvivor's profile


17577 posts in 3100 days

#13 posted 03-21-2014 04:09 PM

Speaking of job interviews in bars; I was working in a bar fixing lighting. An aging guy was interviewing 2 young women to become apprentice electricians. It sounded to me like getting them to do electrical work was the furthest thing from his mind. The young ladies kept dragging him back on track ;-)) I always wondered if they took advantage of that rare opportunity?

-- Bob in WW ~ "some old things are lovely, warm still with life ... of the forgotten men who made them." - D.H. Lawrence

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