2 woodworking wishes

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Forum topic by Rob posted 02-19-2014 12:56 AM 714 views 0 times favorited 6 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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704 posts in 2494 days

02-19-2014 12:56 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor question

(Tip: if you don’t want to read the whole story, skip to the end and tell us your 2 woodworking-related wishes)

While at the hardwood dealer you find an old hunk of 8/4 lumber that looks so awful you can’t imagine it ever seeing a better day. It’s dirty, rough, twisted, knotty, and has a deep crack on one end. Nonetheless, you figure there must be something interesting you can do with it, and it should be pretty cheap in its condition. You finish loading your lumber and go inside to pay. At the counter, you ask for a price and the owner says it’s not for sale and sends you on your way with the rest of your haul.

You go back a month later to buy wood for a different project, and of course the beat up piece is still there in the same place. You ask about it again, and the guy at the counter looks around to make sure the boss isn’t back from lunch and says he’ll give it to you for free if you just get it out of there because he’s tired of looking at it. You take it home with you and it sits in the corner of your shop for several months while you work on other projects and wait for inspiration to strike. Nothing.

Eventually you start to wonder what it looks like underneath its sad, weathered exterior, so you grab a plane and start scraping away to see what you can reveal. After a couple swipes, you feel a tap on your shoulder. Half-startled and half-annoyed, you spin around as you shout, “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT WALKING UP BEHIND ME IN THE SHO—”

...and then it hits you. You’re not married to a giant, floating torso. You look up. A friendly yet somehow mischievous face looks down at you. “You know the drill,” he says.

In shock, you say the first thing that comes to mind. “I’m dead or in a coma, aren’t I? I wish I wouldn’t have taken those new meds before I went out into the shop.”

“Okay, so you apparently only know the Disney version. I didn’t come out of a stupid lamp; I’m a woodworking genie. I can only grant wishes that are related to woodworking. Not enough space? Keep tripping breakers? Constant battles with tearout? Always cutting off your digits? That’s what I can help with. Now try again…you have two left.”

“Wait, but I thought genies were supposed to grant three wishes.”

The legless wonder, now wearing a very expensive-looking suit, shakes his head as he hands you a huge book, pointing at one particular part of the page. “That’s a common misconception. Universal Wish Code, chapter 72 section 3 subsection 10 part A paragraph 7. You get to make three wishes. If I’m not capable of fulfilling one or more said wishes, I’m not contractually obligated to let you re-wish.”

Your head is spinning. No wonder everybody always screws up their wishes. “But—”

“Trust me, it’s better this way. Your first wish could have gone a LOT worse.”

So you have two woodworking-related wishes. What do you wish for? Tools? Wood? Some type of woodworking skill?

-- Ask an expert or be the expert -

6 replies so far

View woodbutcherbynight's profile


2302 posts in 1832 days

#1 posted 02-19-2014 01:39 AM

3 more wished delivered in full?????

-- Live to tell the stories, they sound better that way.

View Rob's profile


704 posts in 2494 days

#2 posted 02-19-2014 02:00 AM

woodbutcher, nice try, but the genie claims he can’t grant more wishes…something about a loophole that the genie lawyers closed a few centuries ago… ;)

What else would you wish for?

-- Ask an expert or be the expert -

View DrDirt's profile


4143 posts in 3165 days

#3 posted 02-19-2014 04:19 PM


-- 'Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners' ~George Carlin

View Bluepine38's profile


3337 posts in 2508 days

#4 posted 02-19-2014 05:27 PM

I could wish for a huge well equipped shop with a back door that opened onto 200 years ago, but then I
would spend way too much time hunting and fishing and never get any woodworking done, guess I will
just be happy where I am.

-- As ever, Gus-the 77 yr young apprentice carpenter

View woodbutcherbynight's profile


2302 posts in 1832 days

#5 posted 02-20-2014 03:31 AM

I cannot post what I would wish for, the NSA demons would be at my door in a very short time I imagine.


-- Live to tell the stories, they sound better that way.

View Kaleb the Swede's profile

Kaleb the Swede

1720 posts in 1393 days

#6 posted 02-20-2014 03:37 AM

Easy for me. A powermatic 5 hp table saw and the powermatic 15 inch band saw. I would be one happy swede then

-- Just trying to build something beautiful

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