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Forum topic by longgone posted 11-20-2013 04:20 PM 825 views 0 times favorited 6 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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longgone

5688 posts in 2770 days


11-20-2013 04:20 PM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house..
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.’
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of chardonay..’

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


6 replies so far

View CharlieM1958's profile

CharlieM1958

16241 posts in 3680 days


#1 posted 11-20-2013 04:59 PM

Haha! Oldies but goodies, Greg!

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View poospleasures's profile

poospleasures

544 posts in 1946 days


#2 posted 11-21-2013 12:53 AM

Wheew!! glad to see someone not spewing saw dust. This was refreshing.

-- I,ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember. Vernon

View lanwater's profile

lanwater

3111 posts in 2396 days


#3 posted 11-21-2013 05:07 AM

love it.

Thanks Greg.

-- Abbas, Castro Valley, CA

View Rick's profile

Rick

8287 posts in 2494 days


#4 posted 11-21-2013 05:12 AM

Good Stuff Greg!!

This is one of Mine from a Fishin Forum I’m on:

-- Hope Everyone Is Doing Well! .... Best Regards: Rick

View Blackie_'s profile

Blackie_

4531 posts in 1974 days


#5 posted 11-21-2013 11:10 AM

Keep them coming Greg, I always like reading your funnies.

-- Randy - If I'm not on LJ's then I'm making Saw Dust. Please feel free to visit my store location at http://www.facebook.com/randy.blackstock.custom.wood.designs

View gwolfe1977's profile

gwolfe1977

228 posts in 1272 days


#6 posted 11-22-2013 03:49 AM

Absolutely hilarious!! Can’t wait for more.

-- Gary,Nebraska

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