How The Fight Started

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Forum topic by longgone posted 10-25-2013 06:37 PM 1241 views 1 time favorited 14 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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5688 posts in 3303 days

10-25-2013 06:37 PM

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t
been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house..
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway..”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started…...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman
that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed
my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started….....

14 replies so far

View woodenwarrior's profile


227 posts in 2190 days

#1 posted 10-25-2013 07:02 PM

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Thanks for the laugh!!

-- Do or do not...there is no try - Master Yoda

View Blackie_'s profile


4883 posts in 2507 days

#2 posted 10-25-2013 07:09 PM

Thanks for the laughs Greg, all very good.

-- Randy - If I'm not on LJ's then I'm making Saw Dust. Please feel free to visit my store location at

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

14172 posts in 3978 days

#3 posted 10-25-2013 08:29 PM

ha ! classic

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View MarkTheFiddler's profile


2068 posts in 2183 days

#4 posted 10-25-2013 09:07 PM

Thanks for the awesome chuckles! I’ve lived through a few of those.

It reminds of why we almost didn’t get married. Martha cooked dinner for me for the very first time. She asked me how I liked it. I replied “Great, especially if you like crunchy rice!”

And then the fight started….

-- Thanks for all the lessons!

View whitebeast88's profile


4128 posts in 2185 days

#5 posted 10-25-2013 10:52 PM

thanks,needed that!!!!

-- Marty.Athens,AL

View cutworm's profile


1075 posts in 2788 days

#6 posted 10-25-2013 11:15 PM

I remember when we returned from our honeymoon like it was yesterday.
As we were unpacking I threw her a pair of my jeans and asked her to try them on. She did and replied ” They’re too big”. I replied “Just wanted to let you know who wears the pants in the family”
She laughed and threw me hers and asked me to try them on. I got them up to about my knees and said”I can’t get in these things”. She replied”Keep talking like that and you’ll never get in them again”.......

-- Steve - "Never Give Up"

View MAXIMUSminimus's profile


60 posts in 1756 days

#7 posted 10-26-2013 12:24 AM

HAHAHA…these are great!

-- RETIRED...nuff said!

View Jorge G.'s profile

Jorge G.

1537 posts in 2470 days

#8 posted 10-26-2013 12:32 AM


-- To surrender a dream leaves life as it is — and not as it could be.

View amagineer's profile


1415 posts in 2592 days

#9 posted 10-27-2013 09:46 PM

I needed that.

-- Flaws are only in the eye of the artisan!

View SCOTSMAN's profile


5849 posts in 3580 days

#10 posted 10-27-2013 10:03 PM

A big burly black guy bursts into a mens toilet he pulls out his willy saying phew I only just made it as he starts to pee the little weedy guy in the next stalls leans over to look and said really could you make me one like that? Alistair

-- excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

View b2rtch's profile


4861 posts in 3043 days

#11 posted 10-27-2013 10:10 PM

Very good thank you

-- Bert

View Roger's profile


20928 posts in 2799 days

#12 posted 10-28-2013 01:19 PM

Oh I can see that happening… Thnx for the laugh

-- Roger from KY. Work/Play/Travel Safe. Keep your dust collector fed.

View doubleDD's profile


7382 posts in 2038 days

#13 posted 10-28-2013 01:29 PM

These are great. You made my day.

-- Dave, Downers Grove, Il. -------- When you run out of ideas, start building your dreams.

View Woodbum's profile


812 posts in 3060 days

#14 posted 10-29-2013 12:57 PM

Thanks for a great start to another work day.
“The worst day in the shop is still better than the best day at the office”

-- "Now I'm just another old guy wearing funny clothes"

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