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Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

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Forum topic by Dan'um Style posted 10-13-2013 at 10:27 PM 694 views 0 times favorited 13 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Dan'um Style

12938 posts in 2620 days


10-13-2013 at 10:27 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

The United States of America (1787-2013) came to a swift and sudden end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.

“The government shut down! We can do anything we like,” shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. “Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can’t stop you.”

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff.

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.

In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to Eric Holder’s private voicemail along with frequent messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.

In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.

In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation’s new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading “Impeach Nixon” on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.

In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation’s eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, “I told you so. Now we’re all doomed.”

The only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming in have fallen on deaf ears.

As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 17 times.

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain


13 replies so far

View wiswood2's profile

wiswood2

1100 posts in 2333 days


#1 posted 10-13-2013 at 11:04 PM

nothing better to do.
Chuck

-- Chuck, wiswood2 www.wisconsinwoodchuck.com

View littlecope's profile

littlecope

2898 posts in 2139 days


#2 posted 10-13-2013 at 11:13 PM

A gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities…

Funny Stuff Dan, I laughed out loud a couple of times reading that, Thanks!

-- Mike in Concord, NH---Unpleasant tasks are simply worthy challenges to improve skills.

View degoose's profile

degoose

7000 posts in 1992 days


#3 posted 10-13-2013 at 11:16 PM

Did not understand one thing you said.. but I support your right to say it…

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...

View kdc68's profile

kdc68

1968 posts in 914 days


#4 posted 10-13-2013 at 11:19 PM

Great right up…you have one Hell of a sense of humor !.....thanks for the laugh

-- Measure "at least" twice and cut once

View Gerald Thompson's profile

Gerald Thompson

361 posts in 872 days


#5 posted 10-13-2013 at 11:25 PM

That, Sir, says it all. Yet many will not get the true meaning ofit.

-- Jerry

View PineChopper's profile

PineChopper

175 posts in 834 days


#6 posted 10-13-2013 at 11:33 PM

Just Awesome. All of it.

View Bogeyguy's profile

Bogeyguy

467 posts in 705 days


#7 posted 10-13-2013 at 11:50 PM

Washington D.C. update; Thousands of aging WWII Vets wielding canes and walkers stormed the barriers at the WWII Memorial cutting away the chains and barbed wired and over running the security guards that were standing in front of the vets trying to block their view of the interior walls of the monument. Tweedle Dum the Senator from Texas and Tweedle Dee the former governor from Alaska were on hand giving a helping hand to the aging vets as they scaled the rubble of the barriers and barbed wire. Milk, bread, and toilet paper was flying off the shelves at the local military commissary. Stay tuned, film at 11.

-- Art, Pittsburgh.

View woodbutcherbynight's profile

woodbutcherbynight

1255 posts in 1046 days


#8 posted 10-14-2013 at 04:02 AM

Enjoyed the laugh, thanks!

-- Live to tell the stories, they sound better that way.

View PineChopper's profile

PineChopper

175 posts in 834 days


#9 posted 10-15-2013 at 06:50 PM

Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber are in the White House.

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

12938 posts in 2620 days


#10 posted 10-15-2013 at 09:47 PM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

12938 posts in 2620 days


#11 posted 10-15-2013 at 09:47 PM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Dan'um Style's profile

Dan'um Style

12938 posts in 2620 days


#12 posted 10-16-2013 at 10:23 PM

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain

View Jorge G.'s profile

Jorge G.

1526 posts in 1112 days


#13 posted 10-16-2013 at 10:30 PM

That was funny, but you definitely have too much time on your hands… :-)

-- To surrender a dream leaves life as it is — and not as it could be.

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