Lumber humor

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

if you GOOGLE for wood humor or lumber humor be sure to turn on a filter or two

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Here’s a good link for funnies
http://www.signsanddesigns.ca/toons.html

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

The Church Gossiper Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny… He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… Walked home.. And left it there all night. You Gotta love George…

-- -** You are never to old to set another goal or to dream a new dream ****************** Dick, & Barb Cain, Hibbing, MN. http://www.woodcarvingillustrated.com/gallery/member.php?uid=3627&protype=1

Haha…wood workers humor. Good way to start the day.

-- Bill, Turlock California, http://www.brookswoodworks.com

couldn’t resist this one … a little light humor …. still fun

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Little Johnny was in Sunday school and the teacher was telling them about Sodom and Gomorrah. She said “And as they were running away, Lott’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.”
Little Johnny says “Aw, that ain’t nothin’. The other day my mom was driving us home in the car and looked back and turned into a tree.”

-- Tim -- http://tmuli.com

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ‘cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn’t do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

So, a termite walk into a bar and asks “Is the bartender here!”

-- -- Rob Hix, King George, VA

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.

The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied “twenty seven feet, six and one half inches”.

“What? How come you are so sure of that distance?”, asked the judge.

“Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!” replied the carpenter.

-- Tim D. - Woodstock, GA

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

NO DISRESPECT TO OUR IRISH FRIENDS
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I’m not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” So Murphy says, “Dat’s easy,” and proceeds to draw three tree’s. The boss says, “What the hell’s that?” Murphy says, “Tree ‘n tree n’ tree makes nine.” Fair enough, says the boss.
Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says. The boss scratches his head and says, ” How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says, ” Each tree’s dirty now! so it’s dirty tree, n’ dirty tree n’ dirty tree, dats 99.”
The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire him, so he says, “Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.” Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir, 100.”
The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks ‘Ha! got him this time.’ Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred.”
Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now you’ve got, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, an’ dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, “We need some four by-twos.”
The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”
“All right. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Pat and Mike are installing soffit on a gable roof.
Pat is way up the ladder and fitting soffit almost out of his reach when he slips and tumbles to the ground.
On the way down he clips his ear on the ladder and that swings him around and on to the stairway.
Mike, seeing the accident, rushes over and sees and ear lying on the ground on his way.
He picks it up..
Now he runs over to Mike and says: ”Mike is dis here yer ear?”
Mike says: ”Nope, mine had a pencil behind it”

Bob

-- A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner

sick humor below
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-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ”$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.”

-- ~ Inspiring those who inspire me ~

CONTRACTOR – A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal!
BID OPENING – A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
LOW BIDDER – A contractor who is wondering what he/she has left out.
ENGINEER’S ESTIMATE – The cost of construction in Heaven.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD – A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA – A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, split hairs, red tape and baloney – usually applied at random with a shot gun.
STRIKE – An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
DELAYED PAYMENT – A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
COMPLETION DATE – The point at which liquidated damages begin.
LIQUIDATED DAMAGES – A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

-- ~ Inspiring those who inspire me ~

Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Craftsman 1/2×24-inch Screwdriver: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

E-Z Out Bolt And Stud Extractor: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

Hose Cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Mechanic’s Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by women.

Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

Radial Arm Saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

Skil Saw: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

Table Saw: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Vise-Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “YEOWW…”

The following woodworking terms may not be used by all woodworkers.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

And of course the old….
Dammit Tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “DAMMIT” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

-- ~ Inspiring those who inspire me ~

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

OLD JOKE

Did you hear about my trip to Home Depot?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

nope Odie … never heard that one !

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

What did the carpenter say to the wall?
One more crack out of you and I will plaster you!

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer…and saw?

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Dans dog picture above kinda reminds me of my crazy mother in-law. I think she also has one tooth left.

Some of these are hilarious!

Thanks for the pick me up!!

-- Kirk H. -- http://www.kjwoodworking.com

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

A guy goes into a bar full of ghosts and asks for a beer sorry said the bartender we only serve spirits.Alistair

-- excuse my typing as I have a form of parkinsons disease

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

We all have way to much time on our hands lol

-- Rick Kruse, Rick's Rustics Handcrafted wood products Grand Rapids, MI

Now there’s a beaver shot for your topic.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

he Bricklayer’s Accident Report…

The next time you’re having a bad day, just think—you’re lucky you’re not this guy!

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board.
Bricklayer’s Accident Report
Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Bricklayer’s Accident Report
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

Bricklayer’s Accident Report
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

Bricklayer’s Accident Report
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Bricklayer’s Accident Report
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Thank You Dan I had that sent to me, by regular mail, about 25 years ago. I had since forgot about it and lost it. It has always been my favorite story. You win my author’s prize: A Redneck smoke detector.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

I need to build one of these, but can’t figure out how.

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h83/hairyincincy/box.jpg

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

GOT MORE WOOD?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Dan, the bricklayer’s accident report had me laughing so hard the noise woke up my wife who thought I had lost my mind. Thanks for a great idea. Made my day.

Did I ever tell you I was retired from ma-bell?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

How about the Woods’ family yacht?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

ODIE, YOU COULD STILL USE A MOBILE PHONE

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

GRUMPY, they’re also iphones.

Is this safe?

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

I DARE NOT LOOK

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

what’s funny with this one ?

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Odie, is that a SawStop?

Lee

-- No piece is cut too short. It was meant for a smaller project.

HEY, what are friends for?

Dan, your new look fooled me. It took me a minute to find this topic.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

Hey, Dan

I that Ms. Debbie P’s hat?

Lee

-- No piece is cut too short. It was meant for a smaller project.

Square root … lumber math

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

The little women and I are on a trip in the motorhome right now.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

nice camper. You should post this in the project section. Might be a good time. Write real serious and stuff.

you could even offer a sketch up model etc. all in fun. see how many takers there are.

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

ODIE…you could enter the legs in the new WInter Contest——with the secret compartment…

-- Matt, Napa, CA...119 days to sanity...

I like it Odie, chimney and all.
It won’t bust the bank

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

What bank? Are there any left?

-- Matt, Napa, CA...119 days to sanity...

Matt, be an optimist during these times. I had a great photo to post, but the RV park I’m in has a lot of people using this connection. I got really slow this weekend. I’ll pick it up on Monday.

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

You guys are a riot.Thanks for the chuckles.

-- Dustygirl...Hastings,Ontario

and that hat looks to be my hat’s younger sibling

-- "Functional WoodArt" by Debbie, Canada (http://www.execulink.com/~yohan)

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Odie, the wife & I are on the road as well. you never know we might meet up. This is a picture of our RV just in case we pass on the road.

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python

Odie
it looks like someone I know !

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- Odie, Confucius say, "He who laughs at one's self is BUTT of joke".

-- ..... art for lifes sake ... danwalters@lumberjocks.com

-- Grumpy - "Always look on the bright side of life"- Monty Python