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TOOLS EXPLAINED

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Forum topic by sandhill posted 08-13-2012 06:13 PM 910 views 0 times favorited 9 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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sandhill

2128 posts in 2670 days


08-13-2012 06:13 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor tools

I am sure many of you have seen this so for you its a review, for those that have not you may learn some new uses for your tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
‘Oh shucks!’

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the
outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling ‘[son of a beeoch]!’ at the top
of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Now that you know the proper use of your tools
Go break something so it can be fixed


9 replies so far

View Built2Last's profile

Built2Last

230 posts in 2224 days


#1 posted 08-13-2012 07:18 PM

LOL!! These are dead-on accurate definitions of the tools in my shop, for sure. Hope you don’t mind if I copy and paste a few on these…..

View sandhill's profile

sandhill

2128 posts in 2670 days


#2 posted 08-13-2012 07:39 PM

I have a few of the “SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOLS”

View jusfine's profile

jusfine

2280 posts in 1672 days


#3 posted 08-13-2012 08:59 PM

I have seen some of the descriptions, pretty funny.

-- Randy "You are judged as much by the questions you ask as the answers you give..."

View whitebeast88's profile

whitebeast88

3600 posts in 937 days


#4 posted 08-13-2012 10:30 PM

I too have some of the s.o.b. tools.Normally when I shout nthat I look up and a neighbor is looking at me.

-- Marty.Athens,AL

View Alexandre's profile

Alexandre

1417 posts in 937 days


#5 posted 08-13-2012 10:43 PM

Hand plane: A tool which makes you sweat so much water that your wife can flood the whole garden,

-- My terrible signature...

View Raymond Thomas's profile

Raymond Thomas

180 posts in 965 days


#6 posted 08-13-2012 11:57 PM

You forgot the files – they start as bastards and end up with slick as snot; creates a dusty mess no matter how you use them.

-- Raymond, Charlotte, NC -------- Demonstrate the difference!

View BTK's profile

BTK

7 posts in 894 days


#7 posted 08-14-2012 12:00 AM

This is too good. Friend of mine just bent both of my large screwdrivers using them as pry bars. I don’t know why after he bent the flathead he thought the same size/style slotted wouldn’t bend?? I then fixed what he was working on by beating it with a hammer.

View Surfside's profile

Surfside

3361 posts in 920 days


#8 posted 08-14-2012 03:36 PM

That’s funny! It makes me think…I also have a son-of-a-bitch tool within my reach when I’m working in the shop. ——- avoid using this kind of language please

-- "someone has to be wounded for others to be saved, someone has to sacrifice for others to feel happiness, someone has to die so others could live"

View Mainiac Matt 's profile

Mainiac Matt

4452 posts in 1075 days


#9 posted 08-14-2012 05:28 PM

large slotted screw drivers are also good for pinching holes in tire tubes…. usually just after patching pre-existing holes.

-- Pine is fine, but Oak's no joke!

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