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the lawn mower and electric fence

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Forum topic by Dan'um Style posted 635 days ago 952 views 1 time favorited 7 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Dan'um Style

12487 posts in 2483 days


635 days ago

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Got this from a Engineer at the CAT Plant in Peoria

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but ‘he tells it like it is’ without cursing.

.....................

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die …. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day …. he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

-- keeping myself entertained ... Humor and fun lubricate the brain


7 replies so far

View GMman's profile

GMman

3902 posts in 2197 days


#1 posted 635 days ago

Dan that is a good one, I hope Bert likes this one.
We used to get the younger kids to pee on the electric wire around the cow pasture lots of fun we had.

View sras's profile

sras

3611 posts in 1629 days


#2 posted 635 days ago

“While thinking of the number 4” Too funny!!!

-- Steve - Impatience is Expensive

View chrisstef's profile

chrisstef

9354 posts in 1506 days


#3 posted 635 days ago

Man thats some funny #2.

-- "there aren’t many hand tools as awe-inspiring as the #8 jointer. I mean, it just reeks of cast iron heft and hubris" - Smitty

View Arlin Eastman's profile

Arlin Eastman

1587 posts in 1061 days


#4 posted 635 days ago

It sure was funny, but if it was true I would hate for that to happen to me.

Arlin

-- It is always the right time, to do the right thing.

View MontanaBob's profile

MontanaBob

391 posts in 1184 days


#5 posted 635 days ago

Very funny story….enjoyed it..It did remined me when I was in school, I would take a bike and shotgun and ride out to this place in the early morning and shoot me a couple of pheasants…There was an electric fence around the top of a sheep wire fence…so instead of going all the way to the gate…I decided to climb over it…just as I swing my leg over all the staples gave out on the old cedar post….I was late for school…LOL…I’ve never been able to turn anything on by thinking of a number, but my eyesight did impove—I can see an electric fence from two miles away and tell you which way the current is running..

-- To realize our true destiny, we must be guided not by a myth from our past, but by a vision of our future

View Donna Menke's profile

Donna Menke

556 posts in 2766 days


#6 posted 635 days ago

Tears streaming down my face- dogs barking because they think I’m having a fit- ok maybe tinkled a little too. I am going to cut and paste this into FaceBook and send to all my good friends and relatives.They will bust a gut just like I did. This beats out the snow, hot pepper, and heat versions- and equals the one with the pulley. I needed a good laugh- thanks a million for posting that here.

-- "So much wood. . .so little time!" www.woodworks-by-donna.com

View gfadvm's profile

gfadvm

9542 posts in 1190 days


#7 posted 635 days ago

“I don’t care who you are, that’s funny!”

-- " I'll try to be nicer, if you'll try to be smarter" gfadvm

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