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Forum topic by jim C posted 07-18-2012 04:28 PM 653 views 0 times favorited 14 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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jim C

1455 posts in 1788 days


07-18-2012 04:28 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

IT’S SO HOT IN THE MIDWEST: the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
.....hot water comes from both taps.
.....you can make sun tea instantly.
.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death”?
.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

-- When I was a boy, I was told "anyone can be President", now I'm beginning to believe it!


14 replies so far

View DrDirt's profile

DrDirt

2500 posts in 2432 days


#1 posted 07-18-2012 04:38 PM

People who move to Arizona, though, can easily identify with it. You’d better read this—this could be your diary!

Arizona Diary

May 15th: Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 108 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, work in an air-conditioned office. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work; what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 25th: Dry heat, my butt. Hot is hot! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $250 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,600 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

August 4th: 115 degrees! Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,200 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I hate this [expletive deleted] state.

August 8th: If another wise a** cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to tear his [expletive deleted] throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and no deodorant works well enough!

August 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It’s been too hot to sleep for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren damn desert? $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the [expletive deleted] pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat.

August 14th: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 120 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the [expletive deleted] windshield out of the BMW. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1,600 house payment to bail me out of jail.

August 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The [expletive deleted] monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The BMW is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. nobody told me about staying out of the washes during a “flash flood” warning. That does it. We’re moving back to California and buying a house next to the freeway for some peace and quiet.

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

View chrisstef's profile

chrisstef

11140 posts in 1696 days


#2 posted 07-18-2012 04:41 PM

96 and humid here in CT and i just burnt my neck on a piece of chrome as i leaned over my car … just splendid summer weather. Sweatin like a virgin on prom night.

-- "there aren’t many hand tools as awe-inspiring as the #8 jointer. I mean, it just reeks of cast iron heft and hubris" - Smitty

View Alexandre's profile

Alexandre

1417 posts in 881 days


#3 posted 07-18-2012 04:48 PM

some sawdust outside from my shop caught fire because of my watch…

-- My terrible signature...

View Joe Lyddon's profile

Joe Lyddon

7799 posts in 2742 days


#4 posted 07-18-2012 04:52 PM

Hey!

COOL Post! Jim C

The last couple of days, it has been ONLY in the 80’s!
... Really very nice!

-- Have Fun! Joe Lyddon - Alta Loma, CA USA - Home: http://www.WoodworkStuff.net ... My Small Gallery: http://www.ncwoodworker.net/pp/showgallery.php?ppuser=1389&cat=500"

View DrDirt's profile

DrDirt

2500 posts in 2432 days


#5 posted 07-18-2012 04:57 PM

Joe – I think i don’t like you anymore!! That is too nice of weather.
Come visit :-) and bring some rain…

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

View PyNCy's profile

PyNCy

99 posts in 1022 days


#6 posted 07-18-2012 05:02 PM

I know whatcha mean about the weather! Omaha, NE has been scorching forEVER! :) There were a bunch of little white things in the sky this morning. I’m not sure what they were…. Could they have been trying to bring…what’s the word…RAIN?! But they are all gone now. :( No rain here this week.
I haven’t been in the shop for months since it’s so hot. I’m planning on bringing the saw in tonight though. I have an itch, and I think sawdust will help it go away! :)

-- The Sawdust Fairy ~ Making Magic with Wood

View Joe Lyddon's profile

Joe Lyddon

7799 posts in 2742 days


#7 posted 07-18-2012 05:05 PM

HOLY CRAP!

That is fricken HOT!!
I feel for you!

... and it’s NOT a Dry Heat is it?

... looks like you might get some rain…
... might cool things off a little… else, create a Steam Storm! LOL

-- Have Fun! Joe Lyddon - Alta Loma, CA USA - Home: http://www.WoodworkStuff.net ... My Small Gallery: http://www.ncwoodworker.net/pp/showgallery.php?ppuser=1389&cat=500"

View muleskinner's profile

muleskinner

679 posts in 1126 days


#8 posted 07-18-2012 05:22 PM

My five day forecast

I don’t know what you’re all complaining about.

-- Visualize whirled peas

View DS's profile

DS

2131 posts in 1110 days


#9 posted 07-18-2012 05:27 PM

DrDirt, that was too funny about the Arizona Diary. I was born and raised here, so, I know the little bits of truth in between the humor.

The weatherman actually reports on the “White-guy burn index”, which is how long it would take unprotected skin to sunburn outside. In the peak of summer it only takes 12 minutes for 1st degree burns.
After the first burn though, you usually get really tan and it isn’t as much of a problem.

As far as the windshield, heat turns that little rock chip into a crack that crosses the entire window. Never seen one explode though. More important is a folding window shade so you can touch the steering wheel without getting scalded hands when you get in the car.

Air-conditioned house, car and office makes a huge difference. The pool is nice, but when the overnight low is 94 degrees, the water is about that as well. I run the aerator on the pool every night for about 8 hours just to keep it at about 87 degrees in the water.

BTW, your car likes the radiator somewhere in the 200 degree range to run efficiently. Haven’t burst a radiator hose in decades.

The monsoon does drop a lot of water in a short time, but, it is the dry soil that can’t absorb it fast enough that causes the flash flooding. Every year there’s at least one bozo that thinks he can drive through a raging flood and gets swept downstream. The stinkin’ thing only lasts 20 minutes anyway. Why can’t they wait, or find another passage? There’s no explaining stupid I guess.

We don’t call it hot until it reaches 110 degrees. 108 is a cooling trend.

The record temp in Arizona was 120 degrees for nearly 100 years until 1993 when we hit 121 then 122 on consecutive days in June. August isn’t as hot, but definately higher humidity.

Also, the A/C repairman usually gets about $2300.00 for a/c repairs in summertime—supply and demand, I suppose. (So service the a/c unit in the wintertime when he’s hungry for work.)

100 days of 100 plus degrees is typical here in the desert areas. But, that means the other 265 days of the year are absolutely GORGEOUS! and there is snow skiing and water skiing within two hours drive of each other on the same day usually. (Only about half of the state is in the Sonoran Desert Basin. The rest is mountains and high country.)

-- "Hard work is not defined by the difficulty of the task as much as a person's desire to perform it.", DS251

View AKSteve's profile

AKSteve

441 posts in 993 days


#10 posted 07-18-2012 06:58 PM

Anchorage, Alaska today. it’s getting pretty hot out !

-- Steve - Wasilla, Alaska

View Tennessee's profile

Tennessee

1471 posts in 1204 days


#11 posted 07-18-2012 07:05 PM

Me is thinking that my location on the Western edge of the Smokies is a paradise now, with it only being 92’ today!
Course, the city is still picking up all the downed trees from the last dust-up when the temps changed, and my neighbor has a crushed roof.

-- Paul, Tennessee, http://www.tsunamiguitars.com

View darinS's profile

darinS

390 posts in 1557 days


#12 posted 07-18-2012 07:09 PM

Weather forecast in MT

Photobucket

-- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

View oldnovice's profile

oldnovice

3798 posts in 2057 days


#13 posted 07-18-2012 08:09 PM

When I lived in the Midwest one of the fertilizer companies ran some adds similar to this!

It’s drier than talcum powder on a cracker. I think it is called tractor talk

If I can find the others pertaining to temperature I will post them!

-- "I never met a board I didn't like!"

View murch's profile

murch

1177 posts in 1314 days


#14 posted 07-18-2012 08:13 PM

Ah Lads,This is the Summer and it’s been raining here for 2 months This is the Summer.

-- A family man has photos in his wallet where his money used to be.

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