Lumberjock Book of Manners

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Forum topic by longgone posted 05-16-2012 08:10 PM 1680 views 1 time favorited 8 replies Add to Favorites Watch
View longgone's profile


5688 posts in 3483 days

05-16-2012 08:10 PM

Tips from the Lumberjock Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for everal days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Sawdust under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 PM ; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’
1. Powertools, usually, are a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

8 replies so far

View Dennisgrosen's profile


10880 posts in 3290 days

#1 posted 05-16-2012 08:23 PM

thank you Greg for the smile only an L J cuold come up with the last
but we all know it most be the neighbour who did it
with other words don´t use powertools after 1800 with open window or garagedoor


View DrDirt's profile


4492 posts in 3917 days

#2 posted 05-16-2012 08:49 PM

I’m not sure WEDDINGS #1 rule is appropriate for us – - as a power tool is a great gift for any occasion!

-- “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” Mark Twain

View wncguy's profile


407 posts in 2487 days

#3 posted 05-16-2012 09:37 PM

I usually hesitate checking the off topic posts, but I’m sure glad I checked this one… thanks for making my day. Hope it will be OK if I steal some items. Also, if passing gas be sure to find the closest dog (4 legged kind).

-- Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad

View Gabe C.'s profile

Gabe C.

288 posts in 2516 days

#4 posted 05-16-2012 11:31 PM

That was hilarious! Thank you for making me (and my gal, who said “You are all awful. I hope that you all take these things to heart.”) laugh out loud more than once.

-- If I could just get this whole "Time/Money" problem figured out...

View CharlieM1958's profile


16278 posts in 4393 days

#5 posted 05-16-2012 11:44 PM

Funny stuff, Greg!

By the way, it was great to meet you at Jazz Fest. I hope sales continued to be strong after I spoke to you. To see all those gorgeous boxes together in one place certainly was impressive.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View jeepturner's profile


939 posts in 2967 days

#6 posted 05-17-2012 12:02 AM

Funny stuff there.
Talking about funerals and such, the other day I was talking to the wife, and thinking about my mortality. So I up and told her to “sell every one of my tools as soon as she could if I were to pass away”. She asked me why so I told her that she was beautiful and I didn’t expect her to go unnoticed living alone, and I don’t want some other A hole using my tools. She told me she isn’t planning on going out with another A hole.
But I have got to tell you, I question that women’s taste in men.

-- Mel,

View gfadvm's profile


14940 posts in 2864 days

#7 posted 05-17-2012 02:25 AM

Those are all good tips except for the power tool wedding gifts. My buddies actually had a ‘tool shower’ for me before I got married. I even got a log chain that I still use!

-- " I'll try to be nicer, if you'll try to be smarter" gfadvm

View studie's profile


618 posts in 3321 days

#8 posted 05-18-2012 03:11 AM

The carpenter that invented the tooth brush! That’s why they are so small.

-- $tudie

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