Man Laws

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Forum topic by 6t5Goat posted 03-16-2012 01:52 PM 1331 views 0 times favorited 4 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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71 posts in 2979 days

03-16-2012 01:52 PM

The Man Laws

1. No wasted beer in the name of humor. It is not permissible, in the pursuit of humor, to tap the top of another man’s beer bottle with the bottom of your beer bottle, causing the other man’s beer bottle to fizz over. There are plenty of other things that make us laugh without wasting a drop of beer.

2. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

3. No one should ever steal a man’s alcohol from that man’s cooler…this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

4. If another man’s fly is down, you didn’t see anything and may not make a comment about it.

5. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

6. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrowie puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticeable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey…who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn’t yours.

7. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

Addendum to Man Law No. 7:
If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver’s decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match.

8. When toasting with beers you must clank with the bottoms because clinking the tops would swap saliva and thus qualify as kissing.

9. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only. The line is the line – It is the only sovereign territory left.

10. If a friend gets you a beer from the bar, it is NOT acceptable for the friend to stick his finger in the opening to bring back several beers to the table at once. You poke it you own it.

11. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

12. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing. You should know such things.

13. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

14. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

15. Work will not stop when blood loss is less than one US quart

16. “Sitting together” shall always mean having one seat between man #1 and man #2.

17. A courtesy flush is always appreciated

18. Every man should watch Sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

19. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “bull**!”. (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

20. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

21. Women can’t drive.

22. In the court of Man Law the statement “I was Drunk” will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant’s blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

23. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of “Manbitch” from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law…or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly…and what is not.

24. Beer is an acceptable form of tender for any of the following: vehicle repairs, remodeling, or anything that requires heavy lifting, storage, or an alibi.

25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

26. If you take beer to a party, ownership of the beer is transferred to the host upon its placement in the host’s cooler, frig, or deck. You can take one beer with you when you leave IF it will fit in your pocket, aka The Tuck Rule.

27. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

28. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman “do you like this”. and the right to leave the room.

29. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.

30. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

31. No man shall ever turn down free beer because “it’s not their brand.”

32. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.

33. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

34. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

35. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you can’t drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you can’t drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.

36. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.

37. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be stacked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.

38. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

39. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

40. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

41. A man purse is still a purse.

42. No man shall dance for fun unless it’s to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

43. Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team.

44. When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

45. If you do not sweat, it’s not a sport.

46. If a large snake catches a man off guard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

47. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

48. The woman who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want” gets an Xbox. End of story.

49. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet.

50. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a “higher” man.

51. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

52. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

53. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, or Ice Hockey.

54. No man shall date or pursue other interest upon any former girlfriend or ex unless man’s friend is in jail, dead, or never returned tools.

55. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

56. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

57. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either.

58. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined

4 replies so far

View Gene Howe's profile

Gene Howe

10368 posts in 3396 days

#1 posted 03-16-2012 02:37 PM

These laws should be introduced to male offspring at 15 years of age. Such male offspring should have them memorized by 18. Males less than 20 years of age, can be cut some slack regarding those rules about alcohol, but MUST be committed to memory by age 21.

-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

View David's profile


198 posts in 2631 days

#2 posted 03-16-2012 08:21 PM

How is #1 not wasting beer?

-- Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess. --Gandalf the Grey

View Milo's profile


869 posts in 3287 days

#3 posted 03-17-2012 06:35 PM

Examine the tag line…

-- Beer, Beer, Thank God for Beer. It's my way of keeping my mind fresh and clear...

View David's profile


198 posts in 2631 days

#4 posted 03-17-2012 11:19 PM

Ah yes, I re-read it, makes sense now

-- Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess. --Gandalf the Grey

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