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How about a joke thread?

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Forum topic by derosa posted 01-05-2012 08:00 AM 9653 views 8 times favorited 341 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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derosa

1557 posts in 1589 days


01-05-2012 08:00 AM

Lately the OT forum has been a little too serious and admittedly I am involved in that so I thought adding a little levity would help some. So post up what you have; jokes, cartoons, and funny images. As long as it isn’t serious send it in, I’ll lead us off.

Got this joke from a local woodworker with a sense of humor.

A pastor that is new to town is driving around one day trying to get the layout of the town when he sees a young boy trying to reach up and ring the doorbell of a house. After a moment he realizes that it is the son of one of his members and decides that he will do his good deed for the day and help the boy out. So he stops his car and walks up to the boy and asks, “can I help you?”
“Sure” says the boy, “lift me up so I can ring the bell”
With that the pastor grabs the boy under the arms and lifts him so he can ring the bell, as he is lowering the boy back down he asks the boy “anything else”
The boy replies “Yeah, Run”

from my favorite web comic, click on the image for the full comic, even directly imbedding it made it bigger then it really is.
Photobucket

and to keep things in a religious humor mode
Photobucket

-- --Rev. Russ in NY-- A posse ad esse


341 replies so far

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chrisstef

11482 posts in 1760 days


#1 posted 01-05-2012 05:46 PM

nice troll

-- "there aren’t many hand tools as awe-inspiring as the #8 jointer. I mean, it just reeks of cast iron heft and hubris" - Smitty

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derosa

1557 posts in 1589 days


#2 posted 01-05-2012 06:06 PM

Although those are hilarious, especially if you’re weak minded enough to believe it, I was looking for something more like this

-- --Rev. Russ in NY-- A posse ad esse

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Bertha

12951 posts in 1447 days


#3 posted 01-05-2012 06:07 PM

Man, Cr1’s fast, lol.
Alright,
“A lawyer walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder…”

-- My dad and I built a 65 chev pick up.I killed trannys in that thing for some reason-Hog

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2496 days


#4 posted 01-05-2012 06:15 PM

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Tylden fire station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2496 days


#5 posted 01-05-2012 06:15 PM

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone
who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear.
What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied,
“Let me put you on hold
while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes,
the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news.
Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine;
her blood work just came back normal, and her physician,
Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried.
God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said,”No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me shit.”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2496 days


#6 posted 01-05-2012 06:17 PM

Mother’s Driver’s License –
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

’ Mommy ,’ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied.
‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says,
‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says,
‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

’ My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend,
‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.
It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks,
‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly,
‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2496 days


#7 posted 01-05-2012 06:20 PM

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2496 days


#8 posted 01-05-2012 06:23 PM

It’s the Law!

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

 Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

 Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

 Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

 Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

 Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 Law of Logical Argument -Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

 Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

 Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2496 days


#9 posted 01-05-2012 06:35 PM

Three Holy Men & A Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard – a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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bunkie

411 posts in 1900 days


#10 posted 01-05-2012 06:47 PM

A robot walks into a bar and asks for a screwdriver…

-- Altruism is, ultimately, self-serving

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fussy

980 posts in 1804 days


#11 posted 01-06-2012 05:40 AM

One day Southern Baptist preacher is driving down the road when he came upon a rattle-trap pickup truck. He stayed a safe distance behind and dropped further back when the truck commenced to weaving back and forth across the yellow line. Not being too quick to prejudge any dear soul, he said to himself,”The poor soul in that truck must be ill.” Then he thought, “I’d better nail the gas and get around this drunk before he runs me off the road.” He did, and passed the truck, and at a good clip went flying down the road. Until he hit a slick spot and flipped over thrice. (That’s preacher talk for three times). The drunk came upon him a few minutes later, stopped and looked the scene over before staggering to the wreck. (he made it to the wreck in good shape because the Lord was watching him. That’s why some people think it’s Godly to drink.) The preacher’s car was on it’s left side, so the drunk climbed up and opened the other door and called down into the car, “Preacher, you allright?” A sonorous voice replied, “Yes son, I’m allright. The Lord’s riding with me!” “well, preacher, you better let the Lord ride with me before you kill him!”

Steve

-- Steve in KY. 44 years so far with my lovely bride. Think I'll keep her.

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GMman

3902 posts in 2451 days


#12 posted 01-06-2012 03:11 PM

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2496 days


#13 posted 01-06-2012 04:33 PM

For our rural friends:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies,”There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”

Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies, “Hurts, don’t it?!”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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DrDirt

2597 posts in 2496 days


#14 posted 01-06-2012 04:36 PM

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and
goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says
“Yeah. I was a salesman back in Missouri.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.
I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says “one.”

The boss says
“Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was
the sale for?”

The kid says, ”$101,237.65.”

The boss says
”$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
said, Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.”

-- "If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." Edison

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GMman

3902 posts in 2451 days


#15 posted 01-06-2012 04:46 PM

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