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Forum topic by Dale J Struhar Sr posted 06-06-2011 07:25 PM 1624 views 0 times favorited 8 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Dale J Struhar Sr

494 posts in 3159 days

06-06-2011 07:25 PM

I recieved this in an email today and I thought I would share._

How many of these do YOU have???

1.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

2.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit!’

3.SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

4.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

5.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

6.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

7.VISE-GRIPS:Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

8.OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.

9.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity.

10.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

11.BAND SAW:A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

12.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

13.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

14.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

15.PRY BAR:A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

16.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

17.HAMMER : A kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

18.UTILITY KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

19.”SON- OF-A-BITCH” TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling the afore-mentioned phrase at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

-- Dale, Ohio

8 replies so far

View Occie gilliam's profile

Occie gilliam

505 posts in 3325 days

#1 posted 06-06-2011 10:58 PM

Thanks Dale for the comic relief

-- OC down in Costa Rica. come down and see me some time. I'll keep the light on for you

View dlmckirdy's profile


199 posts in 3162 days

#2 posted 06-06-2011 11:09 PM

Have you been hangin’ out in my shop?

-- Doug, Bakersfield, CA - I measured twice, cut it twice, and it is still too short!

View Roger's profile


20929 posts in 2833 days

#3 posted 06-07-2011 01:36 PM

I have thousands of no. 19

-- Roger from KY. Work/Play/Travel Safe. Keep your dust collector fed.

View brianinpa's profile


1812 posts in 3752 days

#4 posted 06-08-2011 03:15 AM

I am lacking only three. Some (#19) I have a surplus supply.

-- Brian, Lebanon PA, If you aren’t having fun doing it, find something else to do.

View BentheViking's profile


1782 posts in 2593 days

#5 posted 06-08-2011 03:35 AM


-- It's made of wood. Real sturdy.--Chubbs Peterson

View stefang's profile


15881 posts in 3363 days

#6 posted 06-08-2011 04:02 PM

All of the points might be summed up as ‘the learning curve’. Thanks for the laugh Dale.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View Richard's profile


1916 posts in 2719 days

#7 posted 06-08-2011 09:42 PM

I have had most of them at one time or another. More #19 than others.

View Time2beupinAZ's profile


453 posts in 2991 days

#8 posted 06-08-2011 10:32 PM

I think i am missing a few tools but found out I definetly need them, Now that I know what they do. Thank you.

-- Tim - I usally measure twice after I cut......then I know for sure that I cut it short.....

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