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Forum topic by Dale J Struhar Sr posted 1130 days ago 1018 views 0 times favorited 8 replies Add to Favorites Watch
View Dale J Struhar Sr's profile

Dale J Struhar Sr

318 posts in 1714 days


1130 days ago

I recieved this in an email today and I thought I would share._

How many of these do YOU have???

1.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

2.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh shit!’

3.SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

4.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

5.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

6.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

7.VISE-GRIPS:Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

8.OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.

9.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity.

10.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

11.BAND SAW:A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

12.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

13.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

14.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

15.PRY BAR:A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

16.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

17.HAMMER : A kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.

18.UTILITY KNIFE:Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

19.”SON- OF-A-BITCH” TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling the afore-mentioned phrase at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

-- Dale, Ohio


8 replies so far

View Occie gilliam's profile

Occie gilliam

505 posts in 1879 days


#1 posted 1129 days ago

Thanks Dale for the comic relief

-- OC down in Costa Rica. come down and see me some time. I'll keep the light on for you too-oc@hotmail.com mail.com

View dlmckirdy's profile

dlmckirdy

195 posts in 1717 days


#2 posted 1129 days ago

Have you been hangin’ out in my shop?

-- Doug, Bakersfield, CA - I measured twice, cut it twice, and it is still too short!

View Roger's profile

Roger

13939 posts in 1387 days


#3 posted 1129 days ago

I have thousands of no. 19

-- Roger from KY. Work/Play/Travel Safe. Kentuk55@bellsouth.net

View brianinpa's profile

brianinpa

1809 posts in 2306 days


#4 posted 1128 days ago

I am lacking only three. Some (#19) I have a surplus supply.

-- Brian, Lebanon PA, If you aren’t having fun doing it, find something else to do.

View BentheViking's profile

BentheViking

1735 posts in 1147 days


#5 posted 1128 days ago

Nice

-- It's made of wood. Real sturdy.--Chubbs Peterson

View stefang's profile

stefang

12401 posts in 1917 days


#6 posted 1128 days ago

All of the points might be summed up as ‘the learning curve’. Thanks for the laugh Dale.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View Richard's profile

Richard

765 posts in 1274 days


#7 posted 1128 days ago

I have had most of them at one time or another. More #19 than others.

View Time2beupinAZ's profile

Time2beupinAZ

451 posts in 1545 days


#8 posted 1127 days ago

I think i am missing a few tools but found out I definetly need them, Now that I know what they do. Thank you.

-- Tim - I usally measure twice after I cut......then I know for sure that I cut it short.....

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