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Forum topic by Moron posted 03-13-2008 02:13 PM 823 views 0 times favorited 25 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Moron

4666 posts in 2550 days


03-13-2008 02:13 PM

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8” last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14” of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2” of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24
6”. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I’ll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don’t shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9” predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

-- "Good artists borrow, great artists steal”…..Picasso


25 replies so far

View Bob #2's profile

Bob #2

3808 posts in 2678 days


#1 posted 03-13-2008 02:50 PM

Great story Roman.

Of course I don’t believe for one minute that you could break a shovel ! <g>

Besides, you shouldn’t be using the little woman’s anniversary gift anyway.

What kinna Canadian are you?

Bob

-- A mind, like a home, is furnished by its owner

View Moron's profile

Moron

4666 posts in 2550 days


#2 posted 03-13-2008 02:57 PM

She was so impressed with the shovel I bought her, that this year I bought her a frying pan

-- "Good artists borrow, great artists steal”…..Picasso

View GaryK's profile

GaryK

10262 posts in 2645 days


#3 posted 03-13-2008 03:09 PM

I hate snow, except in pictures of some other place!

-- Gary - Never pass up the opportunity to make a mistake look like you planned it that way - Tyler, TX

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27251 posts in 2479 days


#4 posted 03-13-2008 03:20 PM

Thanks for the post, Roman. It made my day. I tend to share Gary’s philosophy somewhat. When we do have a measurable snow it is much like your December 8 entry. But then reality sets in when the snow shovel comes out.

Thanks again for the humor.

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View Grant Davis's profile

Grant Davis

615 posts in 2565 days


#5 posted 03-13-2008 03:38 PM

Roman,
I feel for you. Normally with what we have been getting here in Ohio I would not even shovel it except for the steps. However, last weekend we got dumped on and I spent most of the day Sunday getting rid of 23” from behind my car in the driveway. Like Gary, I am now hating snow and could care less if I even see a picture of it let alone another snow flake on the ground.

-- Grant...."GO BUCKEYES"

View FrankA's profile

FrankA

139 posts in 2436 days


#6 posted 03-13-2008 03:47 PM

I feel just about like that this year, if were not getting snow it’s freezing rain or single digit temps.
The 30 mile white knuckle drive to work each night on slippery roads is getting old.
Spring is around the corner and it will soon be warm enough to work out in the shop.
I envy you southerners this time of year, but mid summer, thats another story.

-- Frank Auge---Nichols NY----"My opinion is neither copyrighted nor trademarked, but it is price competitive."

View Zuki's profile

Zuki

1404 posts in 2734 days


#7 posted 03-13-2008 04:53 PM

Its a snow day here. I got into work on time as my employer’s “snow line” said everything was open. Chatted with co-workers for about 15min on how bad the driving was . . . then they closed the building and told us to check the snow line again at 11:00. Took me 1 1/2 hours to get home (normally takes 25 min). I managed to get into the driveway and by the time I got in the house it was 10:30. I called the snowline and the building is now opening again at 1:00.

Arg !

-- BLOG - http://www.colorfulcanary.com/search/label/Zuki

View TomK 's profile

TomK

504 posts in 2531 days


#8 posted 03-13-2008 06:07 PM

It’s 68 deg. and sunny here. Don’t miss the snow days I had in Colorado. But yeah, Frank, keep me in mind in mid August! Great story!

-- If you think healthcare is expensive now, wait until it's free! PJ O'Rourke

View Dadoo's profile

Dadoo

1766 posts in 2647 days


#9 posted 03-13-2008 07:26 PM

Loved it! Lived it! Still living it!

-- Bob Vila would be so proud of you!

View lazyfiremaninTN's profile

lazyfiremaninTN

528 posts in 2610 days


#10 posted 03-14-2008 03:24 AM

Friday night we got 6 inches of snow and was ALL melted off by noon saturday. HMMMMM…..I love living in the south.

-- Adrian ..... The 11th Commandment...."Thou Shalt Not Buy A Wobble Dado"

View GaryK's profile

GaryK

10262 posts in 2645 days


#11 posted 03-14-2008 03:35 AM

I’m about 100 east of Dallas, and a little over a week ago it actually snowed here. We’re at about the same latitude as San Diego!

At least it didn’t stick to the streets or sidewalks, just the grass. Probably about an inch.

-- Gary - Never pass up the opportunity to make a mistake look like you planned it that way - Tyler, TX

View Greg3G's profile

Greg3G

815 posts in 2742 days


#12 posted 03-14-2008 04:46 AM

Too Funny! Reminds me…My father’s family is from North Dakota. The last time I was there was Christmas 1982. Christmas day was -45 with a -99 wind chill. I promised my self I would never go back there in the winter…so far I have kept that promise.

-- Greg - Charles Town, WV

View rikkor's profile

rikkor

11295 posts in 2531 days


#13 posted 03-14-2008 10:28 AM

Snow is almost gone here in central Minnesota. But we’re standing by for the “tournament blizzard” that often happens during the boy’s high school basketball tournament.

View frank's profile

frank

1492 posts in 2863 days


#14 posted 03-14-2008 11:20 AM

”....what, did someone say snow?”

Quite now before I tear your tongue out….”

-- --frank, NH, http://rusticwoodart.tumblr.com/

View JimB's profile

JimB

35 posts in 2534 days


#15 posted 03-14-2008 01:46 PM

We just set a record here, 80 plus inches and its only the middle of March.

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