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Forum topic by Vrtigo1 posted 04-04-2011 02:58 PM 2482 views 1 time favorited 9 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Vrtigo1

434 posts in 2457 days


04-04-2011 02:58 PM

Sorry if this has been posted before. This was sent to me and I thought it was funny.

Two Trees and A Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.


9 replies so far

View Roger Clark aka Rex's profile

Roger Clark aka Rex

6940 posts in 2900 days


#1 posted 04-04-2011 03:07 PM

Talking of trees. Two peanuts went for a walk in the woods ….... one was assaulted.

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

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Roger Clark aka Rex

6940 posts in 2900 days


#2 posted 04-04-2011 03:08 PM

Talking of trees. Two peanuts went for a walk in the woods ….... one was assaulted.

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

View CharlieM1958's profile

CharlieM1958

16242 posts in 3683 days


#3 posted 04-04-2011 03:27 PM

Boudreaux, a Cajun woodworker, makes an unauthorized midnight visit to his local lumberyard and steals some lumber. After a few days, being a good Catholic, he is overcome by guilt and decides to go to confession.

He enters the confessional and says “Bless me Father for I have sinned. I broke into the lumberyard and stole some lumber.”

“How much lumber did you steal?” asked the priest.

Says Boudreaux, “Well, it was quite a bit, Father.”

“Enough to build a doghouse?”

“Oh, it was more than that,” Boudreaux replied.

“Enough to build a garage?” asks the priest.

“More than enough for that,” said Boudreaus sheepishly.

“Enough to build a house?” asks the priest incredulously.

“More than enough,” Boudreaux whispers, quite ashamed by now.

The priest by this time realizes that a pretty serious theft has been committed, so he begins thinking about a fitting penance.

“My son, do you know how to make a novena?”

Boudreaux is quiet for a moment, then answers cheerfully, “No, Father. But if you’ve got the plans, I’ve got the lumber!”

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

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StumpyNubs

6853 posts in 2266 days


#4 posted 04-04-2011 03:35 PM

After you went on about how hard it is to find clean jokes I was surprised at what you considered “clean”. Funny, but this one is still not for the kids.

-- Subscribe to "Stumpy Nubs Woodworking Journal"- One of the crafts' most unique publications: http://www.stumpynubs.com/

View Gene Howe's profile

Gene Howe

8256 posts in 2894 days


#5 posted 04-04-2011 03:40 PM

For shame!
I thought this was a woodworking site, not a place for humorous attacks on Cajuns, Catholics and woodpeckers.
Please stop this before someone gets upset or mentions something political. ;-)

Luigi, a perpetual bachelor, owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami , a furniture manufacturing shop. Friends convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the latest trends there, and maybe he could meet an available young Italian woman at the same time.

As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English—neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

He was dumbfounded. To this day he says that he’s never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture manufacturing business.

-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

View Dave's profile

Dave

11405 posts in 2305 days


#6 posted 04-05-2011 04:08 AM

Yall stop I almost drowned my keyboard. Good stuff;)

-- Superdav "No matter where you go - there you are." http://chiselandforge.com

View DIYaholic's profile

DIYaholic

19179 posts in 2140 days


#7 posted 04-05-2011 04:13 AM

I can’t sell a single project. No one is responding to my newspaper advertisement…...

“FREE STOOL SAMPLES!”

-- Randy-- I may not be good...but I am slow! If good things come to those who wait.... Why is procrastination a bad thing?

View childress's profile

childress

841 posts in 3007 days


#8 posted 04-05-2011 08:03 AM

Stumpy, he didn’t say anything about “clean”. Read his post again and you will see “dirty word or two”...

-- Childress Woodworks

View idigjars's profile

idigjars

40 posts in 2095 days


#9 posted 04-05-2011 06:09 PM

I got a chuckle from these. Thank you. Paul

-- Take your time and do it right once.

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