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Forum topic by Viking posted 12-01-2010 11:31 PM 1311 views 2 times favorited 21 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Viking

857 posts in 1862 days


12-01-2010 11:31 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, shit!”

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Son of a bitch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

-- Rick Gustafson - Lost Creek Ranch - Colorado County, Texas


21 replies so far

View DragonLady's profile

DragonLady

298 posts in 1674 days


#1 posted 12-02-2010 04:55 AM

omg, this had me laughing so hard my boyfriend had to come see :P

now he won’t let me back into my shop!!

-- A woman's work is never done-but power tools help!

View canadianchips's profile

canadianchips

1831 posts in 1664 days


#2 posted 12-02-2010 05:32 AM

STICK WELDER: Is a nice tool to give yourself SHOCK therapy treatments while changing electrodes with a sweaty glove.
PORTABLE HAND GRINDER: Very useful to burn off your shoelaces with from the sparks.
PNEUMATIC NAIL GUNS: With this tool you have the ablity to inflict pain upon YOURSELF with just touch of a trigger. Nail coming out side of board instead of going IN.
NAIL PULLER: (Sliding action model) Everyone has made a blood blister between thumb and pointer finger with one of these.

-- "My mission in life - make everyone smile !"

View Don's profile

Don

514 posts in 1740 days


#3 posted 12-02-2010 05:36 AM

CHISEL:
A metal tool with a sharp beveled edge. Useful for scraping glue, lacerating a finger, and embedding glue into laceration in one quick action.

-- Don - I wood work if I could. Redmond WA.

View canadianchips's profile

canadianchips

1831 posts in 1664 days


#4 posted 12-02-2010 08:00 PM

CARPENTER PENCIL:
An evasive marking device that has the ability to sit somwhere for days without being detected. When you need it, it has the ability to become invisible. When we do find it, the lead is broken OFF eveytime.

-- "My mission in life - make everyone smile !"

View helluvawreck's profile

helluvawreck

15904 posts in 1533 days


#5 posted 12-02-2010 08:10 PM

BUILDING STRETCHER:
The tool that you send the nearest dumb ass to the hardware store to get for you when you want to get rid of him for an hour or so.

-- If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. Henry David Thoreau

View helluvawreck's profile

helluvawreck

15904 posts in 1533 days


#6 posted 12-02-2010 08:24 PM

DUCK TAPE:
What you cover the dumb ass’ mouth with if he comes back from the hardware store too quickly after he doesn’t find the BUILDING STRETCHER.

-- If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. Henry David Thoreau

View GregD's profile

GregD

619 posts in 1803 days


#7 posted 12-02-2010 08:27 PM

I must have the delux VISE GRIPS – mine break off the bolt head once it is properly rounded. Works the same for screws that strip out before I get them screwed in all the way.

-- Greg D.

View DaddyZ's profile

DaddyZ

2404 posts in 1707 days


#8 posted 12-02-2010 09:00 PM

CHEAP CLAMPS:
Use to glue projects together at odd angles because you went to get another beer & the thing broke.

GOOD CLAMPS:
Use to glue clamp pads to wood so you can’t remove clamp.

-- Pat - Worker of Wood, Collector of Tools, Father of one

View TheDane's profile

TheDane

3809 posts in 2330 days


#9 posted 12-02-2010 09:20 PM

REFRIGERATOR:
Shop fuel storage device.

BEER:
Shop fuel (see REFRIGERATOR)

BOARD EXTENDER:
Most elusive tool in the shop. Needed only by those of us who only measure once before cutting or those who have embibed mass quantities of Shop Fuel (see: REFRIGERATOR and BEER).

May also be used as a substitute for the BUILDING STRETCHER (detailed above).

-- Gerry -- "I don't plan to ever really grow up ... I'm just going to learn how to act in public!"

View helluvawreck's profile

helluvawreck

15904 posts in 1533 days


#10 posted 12-02-2010 09:39 PM

I plum forgot about the refrigerator and the beer, Dane. They are essential tools. Good thinkin. :) What was it that Degoose called the refrigerator?

-- If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away. Henry David Thoreau

View sawblade1's profile

sawblade1

754 posts in 1694 days


#11 posted 12-02-2010 09:47 PM

Tape measure

The only tool that can give you two measurements and never be right either way and the only tool that likes to mysteriously lurk under your miter saw blade only to be found chopped in half after you’ve made your cut

-- Proverbs Ch:3 vs 5,6,7 Trust in the lord with all thine heart and lean not unto your own understanding but in all your ways aknowledge him and he shall direct your path elmerthomas81@neo.rr.com

View chrisstef's profile (online now)

chrisstef

10939 posts in 1673 days


#12 posted 12-02-2010 10:07 PM

BUCKET OF STEAM:

See building extender

-- "there aren’t many hand tools as awe-inspiring as the #8 jointer. I mean, it just reeks of cast iron heft and hubris" - Smitty

View Gregn's profile

Gregn

1642 posts in 1650 days


#13 posted 12-03-2010 01:20 AM

Computer:
Device used to take place of your memory bank because you suffer from CRS, and to communicate with other LJ’s to bail you out of a jam.

-- I don't make mistakes, I have great learning lessons, Greg

View Viking's profile

Viking

857 posts in 1862 days


#14 posted 12-03-2010 01:30 AM

Just like clamps …. you can never have enough tools explained!

These are GREAT!

-- Rick Gustafson - Lost Creek Ranch - Colorado County, Texas

View fredf's profile

fredf

495 posts in 2377 days


#15 posted 12-03-2010 05:13 AM

“NAIL PULLER: (Sliding action model) Everyone has made a blood blister between thumb and pointer finger with one of these.”

brings back memories . . I did about 50 years ago as a kid!!

-- Fred, Springfield, Ma

showing 1 through 15 of 21 replies

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