Tool Definitions

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Forum topic by Rob Drown posted 10-10-2010 06:37 AM 1616 views 0 times favorited 5 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Rob Drown

796 posts in 4011 days

10-10-2010 06:37 AM

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh Sh—!”

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B%#! TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “SON-OF-A-B%#!!” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

-- The expectations of life depend upon diligence; the mechanic that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools. Confucius, 经过艰苦的努力的梦想可以成真

5 replies so far

View Greedo's profile


473 posts in 3138 days

#1 posted 10-10-2010 10:09 AM

workbench: a carefully engeneered tool of wich you are verry proud, wich is mainly used to test out finishes and paints, but also a tool to test out if your drill or router will warn you when you are going “too deep”...

router: a tool that (before the invention of metal detectors) was used to find hidden screws and nails, though it’s initial purpous was to set fire to wood, untill people discovered they could do that quicker by mis-aligning their tablesaw fence.

PU-glue: a special glue wich is used by employers to detect wich of their employees have at least glued one thing in the past 10 days.

View Abbott's profile


2570 posts in 3481 days

#2 posted 10-10-2010 10:23 AM


-- Ohh mann...pancakes and boobies...I'll bet that's what Heaven is like! ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣

View firehouse's profile


45 posts in 2969 days

#3 posted 10-10-2010 11:15 AM


-- duke 66 ocala fl.

View Lee A. Jesberger's profile

Lee A. Jesberger

6866 posts in 4157 days

#4 posted 10-10-2010 04:00 PM

Very Good Rob!!!!

-- by Lee A. Jesberger

View Retseih's profile


27 posts in 3021 days

#5 posted 10-10-2010 05:59 PM

Chisel: A tool for opening paint cans when you can’t find the non-removable screw creator. Also used to exercise the Tormek sharpener, thereby justifying the $65 per sharpening ammortized cost.

A great chuckle…thx

will be sharing with my Shop Nite buddies.

-- Palmer Divide Woodworks--Where steel collides with wood

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