How long...Battle of Trafalgar ... under new WHS

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Forum topic by degoose posted 08-22-2010 09:36 AM 1160 views 0 times favorited 6 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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7231 posts in 3348 days

08-22-2010 09:36 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor


Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): ”’ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.’ – What gobbledegook is this?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ’ England ’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
Nelson: “Balderdash ! Hardy, hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.” Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.” Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.” Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.” Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone ingesting too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard such poppycock. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What ? This is mutiny!”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.” Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”
Nelson: “Good grief ! You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”
Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety…... Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”
Nelson: “In that case….....kiss me, Hardy

-- Don't drink and use power tools @

6 replies so far

View lew's profile


12051 posts in 3748 days

#1 posted 08-22-2010 03:06 PM


This would be really funny if it weren’t so damned close to the truth.

I’m glad we were in the Navy when the men were made of steel and the ships of wood- not the other way around.


-- Lew- Time traveler. Purveyor of the Universe's finest custom rolling pins.

View Lee A. Jesberger's profile

Lee A. Jesberger

6855 posts in 3972 days

#2 posted 08-22-2010 03:30 PM

I think Lou said it quite well.

We do construction projects for some Gov. agencies, and it’s ridiculous, the things we normally do, but can’t on these sites. I actually went to cut a piece of sheet rock with a utility knife. I was informed they were not permitted on the site, due to the fact a percon could get seriously cut with one! And to think, for 30 years, I’ve been risking my life with one!

Often, we’re required to work with a safety inspector watching our every move. Or in some cases, having a paramedic with us, in case of an injury. Sure does drive up the costs.


-- by Lee A. Jesberger

View Karson's profile


35120 posts in 4393 days

#3 posted 08-22-2010 03:48 PM

Larry: great.
Lew: so true.
Lee What more could be said, From whimsical, to memory to present day.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia †

View miles125's profile


2180 posts in 3998 days

#4 posted 08-22-2010 03:59 PM

I recall building a couple vanities for a govt installation once. I had a file two inches thick on the job and the most absurd request had to be me providing data sheets explaining injuries one could expect if they happened to ingest one of the vanities. I kid you not.

-- "The way to make a small fortune in woodworking- start with a large one"

View Dennisgrosen's profile


10880 posts in 3108 days

#5 posted 08-22-2010 04:29 PM

:—) thank´s another great one from you Larry


View woodsmithshop's profile


1318 posts in 3538 days

#6 posted 08-22-2010 05:21 PM

Lee, what did they expect you to cut the sheet rockl with?

-- Smitty!!!

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