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Forum topic by degoose posted 05-13-2010 10:49 PM 914 views 2 times favorited 19 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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degoose

7036 posts in 2039 days


05-13-2010 10:49 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he is the famous

erudite scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my

stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees

things differently than most of us.

Here are some of his gems:

01 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

02 – Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.

03 – Half the people you know are below average.

04 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

05 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

06 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

07 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

08 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

09 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the

cheese.

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend . . . but she left me before we

met.

12 – Okay, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever . . so far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your

horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the

bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be

on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

And an all time favourite -

34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your

headlights work?

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...


19 replies so far

View BritBoxmaker's profile

BritBoxmaker

4399 posts in 1721 days


#1 posted 05-13-2010 10:53 PM

35 – Time flys like an arrow,fruit flies like a banana.

-- Martyn -- Boxologist, Pattern Juggler and Candyman of the visually challenging. http://www.theartofboxes.com

View Clarence's profile

Clarence

125 posts in 1791 days


#2 posted 05-13-2010 11:04 PM

A day without sunshine is like…..well, night.

-- Getting old is a good thing, but being old kinda stinks.

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SnowyRiver

51450 posts in 2165 days


#3 posted 05-13-2010 11:25 PM

Those are great…thanks for sharing.

-- Wayne - Plymouth MN

View littlecope's profile

littlecope

2924 posts in 2187 days


#4 posted 05-13-2010 11:30 PM

37 – It’s a small world… but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

-- Mike in Concord, NH---Unpleasant tasks are simply worthy challenges to improve skills.

View BarbS's profile

BarbS

2434 posts in 2770 days


#5 posted 05-13-2010 11:36 PM

Thanks, Larry!

-- http://barbsid.blogspot.com/

View dustbunny's profile

dustbunny

1149 posts in 1980 days


#6 posted 05-13-2010 11:47 PM

Still giggling….

Lisa

-- Imagination rules the world. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte ~ http://quiltedwood.com

View woodsmithshop's profile

woodsmithshop

1170 posts in 2230 days


#7 posted 05-13-2010 11:52 PM

kind of like deja vu all over again.

-- Smitty!!!

View BritBoxmaker's profile

BritBoxmaker

4399 posts in 1721 days


#8 posted 05-13-2010 11:59 PM

A thermos flask can keep hot things hot and cold things cold. How does it know?

-- Martyn -- Boxologist, Pattern Juggler and Candyman of the visually challenging. http://www.theartofboxes.com

View Mary Anne's profile

Mary Anne

1057 posts in 1893 days


#9 posted 05-14-2010 12:01 AM

I was trying to daydream, but my mind wandered.

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

112289 posts in 2262 days


#10 posted 05-14-2010 12:14 AM

Thanks Larry great stuff . I woke up this morning and you weren’t on my mind LOL

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View poopiekat's profile

poopiekat

3671 posts in 2419 days


#11 posted 05-14-2010 01:17 AM

“I went on a road trip with a friend of mine, who was an AM radio disc jockey. Every time we went under a bridge, I couldn’t hear a word he was saying….” Steven Wright, HBO Special, Christmas 1998.

-- Einstein: "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." I'm Poopiekat!!

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poopiekat

3671 posts in 2419 days


#12 posted 05-14-2010 01:23 AM

“My friend Bob and I were bar-hopping in a bad part of town, when a robber came up to us and said “This is a stickup” I pulled some money from my pocket and said “Hey, Bob, here’s that fifty bucks I owe you!” —Steven Wright, 1997 Portland City Hall.

-- Einstein: "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." I'm Poopiekat!!

View poroskywood's profile

poroskywood

614 posts in 2049 days


#13 posted 05-14-2010 02:27 AM

One of my all-time favorites for the last 20 years.

“I got a tattoo of me over my entire body but taller.” 1989

-- There's many a slip betwixt a cup and a lip.--Scott

View stefang's profile

stefang

13239 posts in 2019 days


#14 posted 05-14-2010 09:44 AM

Clever people like Mr. Wright are very lonely.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View Stargazer's profile

Stargazer

49 posts in 1624 days


#15 posted 05-14-2010 02:09 PM

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out” !!!

Rick

showing 1 through 15 of 19 replies

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