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Forum topic by degoose posted 05-02-2010 10:27 PM 1095 views 1 time favorited 11 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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degoose

7196 posts in 2822 days


05-02-2010 10:27 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor tip

5 minute management course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the t turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shit’s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...


11 replies so far

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27251 posts in 3290 days


#1 posted 05-02-2010 11:19 PM

Thanks, Larry. These were cute.

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View Abbott's profile

Abbott

2570 posts in 2771 days


#2 posted 05-02-2010 11:33 PM

Loved the first one!

-- Ohh mann...pancakes and boobies...I'll bet that's what Heaven is like! ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣

View stefang's profile

stefang

15512 posts in 2802 days


#3 posted 05-02-2010 11:36 PM

Good course Larry. I think I’m ready now to become a management consultant and help people make bad decisions.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

115207 posts in 3045 days


#4 posted 05-03-2010 01:13 AM

Larry where do find this stuff so funny.

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View TopamaxSurvivor's profile

TopamaxSurvivor

17677 posts in 3144 days


#5 posted 05-03-2010 09:00 AM

Those are good lessons to remember for sure. Weren’t you a manager Mike? Can you verify any of those ;-)))

-- Bob in WW ~ "some old things are lovely, warm still with life ... of the forgotten men who made them." - D.H. Lawrence

View Kindlingmaker's profile

Kindlingmaker

2656 posts in 2994 days


#6 posted 05-03-2010 09:29 AM

All words to live by…!

-- Never board, always knotty, lots of growth rings

View Dusty56's profile

Dusty56

11806 posts in 3156 days


#7 posted 05-03-2010 12:08 PM

So nice to start my day with laughter , Larry : ) Thank you very much !!

-- I'm absolutely positive that I couldn't be more uncertain!

View Knothead62's profile

Knothead62

2581 posts in 2429 days


#8 posted 05-03-2010 02:20 PM

Consultant: a person who can’t keep a real job.

View jockmike2's profile

jockmike2

10635 posts in 3714 days


#9 posted 05-03-2010 11:46 PM

All funny Larry, but some have dinosaur droppings on them. Just playing with ya peter.

-- (You just have to please the man in the Mirror) Mike from Michigan -

View SnowyRiver's profile

SnowyRiver

51452 posts in 2948 days


#10 posted 05-04-2010 02:08 AM

Great stories….very cute…thanks for sharing.

-- Wayne - Plymouth MN

View kolwdwrkr's profile

kolwdwrkr

2821 posts in 3058 days


#11 posted 05-04-2010 02:33 AM

LOL, to funny

-- ~ Inspiring those who inspire me ~

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