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Forum topic by lew posted 03-07-2010 05:04 PM 1232 views 0 times favorited 10 replies Add to Favorites Watch
View lew's profile (online now)


12430 posts in 3957 days

03-07-2010 05:04 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

#24 is especially pertinent, enjoy-


Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year’s winners…

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p. m., at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

-- Lew- Time traveler. Purveyor of the Universe's finest custom rolling pins.

10 replies so far

View Tony_S's profile (online now)


955 posts in 3284 days

#1 posted 03-07-2010 05:14 PM

Thanks Lew! A whole bunch of smiles there! Damn near shot coffee outta my nose on a couple of em!!

-- It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Aristotle

View dannymac's profile


144 posts in 3217 days

#2 posted 03-07-2010 05:25 PM

nothin wrong with starting the day with a laugh

-- dannymac

View woodsmithshop's profile


1347 posts in 3747 days

#3 posted 03-07-2010 05:34 PM

just think,one of those kids may be president someday. lol

-- Smitty!!!

View patron's profile


13640 posts in 3542 days

#4 posted 03-07-2010 05:53 PM

thanks lew .

you just made my day !

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27250 posts in 4023 days

#5 posted 03-07-2010 06:18 PM

Lew, these were cute. Thanks for starting my day off right.

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View teenagewoodworker's profile


2727 posts in 3970 days

#6 posted 03-07-2010 09:01 PM

now thats funny… and i could even see myself using some of those :)

View Mary Anne's profile

Mary Anne

1058 posts in 3410 days

#7 posted 03-07-2010 09:09 PM

Thanks for the laughs, Lew. Just what I needed.

View a1Jim's profile


117328 posts in 3778 days

#8 posted 03-07-2010 09:16 PM

Was there something wrong with those lines like lines with somthing wrong with them ?
Thanks Lew

-- wood crafting & woodworking classes

View degoose's profile


7245 posts in 3556 days

#9 posted 03-07-2010 11:03 PM

OK I don’t get it ….what was wrong with these wonderful similes and metaphors…???

-- Don't drink and use power tools @

View Gene Howe's profile

Gene Howe

11064 posts in 3630 days

#10 posted 03-08-2010 01:05 AM

I laughed so hard my belly hurt like a sea gull’s’s when it swallows an Alka-Seltzer tablet.

-- Gene 'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

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