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Forum topic by degoose posted 1507 days ago 718 views 0 times favorited 7 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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degoose

6883 posts in 1855 days


1507 days ago

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.
” Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.
” That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand.”
” That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
” Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended
yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
” That I did,” said Paddy.
“Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight.”


  • An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
    home from the city one night and,
    of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
    A cop pulls him over.
    ” So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”
    “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
    ” Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite
    a few to drink this evening.”
    ” I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
    “D id you know,” says the cop, standing straight and
    folding his arms across his chest,
    that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
    “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk.
    “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”


Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve
somethin ’ to tell ya”.
” Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome,
Tim. But where’s my husband?”
” That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.”
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
” I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I’m sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
” It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’ Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, ” So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?”
S he says, “That he did, Father.”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary? ”
She says, He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn g un…’

*

AND THE BEST FOR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s
no paper on this side either!”

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...


7 replies so far

View WoodSparky's profile

WoodSparky

200 posts in 1602 days


#1 posted 1507 days ago

A good bunch of classics, Thanks for the early morning smile.

-- So Many tools, So little time

View Chase's profile

Chase

448 posts in 1527 days


#2 posted 1507 days ago

teehee, so wrong, yet so funny.

-- Every neighborhood has an eccentric neighbor. I wondered for years "who was ours?" Then I realized it was me.

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27251 posts in 2322 days


#3 posted 1507 days ago

Thanks, Larry. This got my day started off with a chuckle.

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View lumberdustjohn's profile

lumberdustjohn

1241 posts in 1667 days


#4 posted 1507 days ago

thanks for the chuckles

-- Safety first because someone needs you.

View CharlieM1958's profile

CharlieM1958

15544 posts in 2719 days


#5 posted 1507 days ago

Oldies but goodies!

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View blackcherry's profile

blackcherry

3130 posts in 2323 days


#6 posted 1507 days ago

True story about a Irish friend of mine. We had a 2hr drive with a early morning tee time 6:35am my friend has already consumed a twelve pak. by the time we tee off. Just before he hit his first golf ball of the day another friend ask Mike at what time did he have his first beer of the day, his reply with out stepping out of his hitting stance “3:30 this morning waiting for the coffee maker to brew” and then hitting a long and straight drive splitting the fairway… only the Irish Amen….

View Woodwrecker's profile

Woodwrecker

3468 posts in 2076 days


#7 posted 1506 days ago

A special breed indeed !

-- Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Albert Einstein

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