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Nursery Rhymes but not as I remember them.... LOL

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Forum topic by degoose posted 1637 days ago 1277 views 1 time favorited 8 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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degoose

6979 posts in 1957 days


1637 days ago

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Subject: : Not quite as I remember them . .

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’ !!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ‘cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad….....
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

  • You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
    If you don’t understand, it is because you are too young.

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...


8 replies so far

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

112001 posts in 2180 days


#1 posted 1637 days ago

Larry larry larry are you trying to give us all nightmares

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View TopamaxSurvivor's profile

TopamaxSurvivor

14612 posts in 2279 days


#2 posted 1637 days ago

Larry, larry,
These jokes are getting scary,
But they do make us merry.

These nursery rhymes,
From long past times,
Are now just monkey shines.

I hope you have more,
To restock the store,
So we will have laughs galore.

-- "some old things are lovely, warm still with life ... of the forgotten men who made them." - D.H. Lawrence

View WoodSparky's profile

WoodSparky

200 posts in 1705 days


#3 posted 1636 days ago

Even old rhymes need to be brought up with the times.

-- So Many tools, So little time

View Roger Clark aka Rex's profile

Roger Clark aka Rex

6940 posts in 2038 days


#4 posted 1636 days ago

Little Miss Muffit sat on her tuffit
Her knickers all tattered and torn,
But it wasn’t the spider who sat down beside her,
It was Little Boy Blue on the horn.

The Engineer’s name was Carter,
My God he was a farter,
So when the ship wouldn’t go and the wind wouldn’t blow,
They got Carter the Farter to Start Her.

Daisy, Daisy the cops are after you
And if they catch you they’ll give you a month or two
They’ll tie you up with wire, and set you pants on fire
So ring your bell, and peddle like hell
on a bicycle made for two.
(Hal’s rhyme in 2001 Space Odyssey)

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

View woodsmithshop's profile

woodsmithshop

1106 posts in 2148 days


#5 posted 1636 days ago

jack and Jill went up the hill,
each with a dollar and a quarter,
Jill came down with 2 and a half,
do you think they went up for water?

-- Smitty!!!

View PurpLev's profile

PurpLev

8476 posts in 2251 days


#6 posted 1636 days ago

ya, def. now how I remember them…

-- ㊍ When in doubt - There is no doubt - Go the safer route.

View jockmike2's profile

jockmike2

10635 posts in 2849 days


#7 posted 1636 days ago

Larry you wouldn’t have gotten these from Karson this morning would you? LOL Those were my jokes!! Stop Thief!!!

-- (You just have to please the man in the Mirror) Mike from Michigan -

View Eric_S's profile

Eric_S

1521 posts in 1798 days


#8 posted 1636 days ago

Ever watch the 80’s comedian Andrew Dice Clay?

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
each with a buck 25,
Jill came down with 2.50
Oh what a ho!

The rest of his are VERY raunchy and I’m not sure if they will be allowed to be posted here and I’d prefer not to offend anyone…so here is a link to his “adult” nursery rhyme versions:
http://www.dogsonacid.com/showthread.php?threadid=475588

-- - Eric Indianapolis, IN

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