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Forum topic by nmkidd posted 02-02-2010 06:34 PM 1822 views 1 time favorited 19 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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nmkidd

758 posts in 2635 days


02-02-2010 06:34 PM

A retired friend of mine sent this to me and decided to share it with everyone here…........enjoy!

This is a warning to all not yet retired to watch out for those of us over 62 looking to make people laugh and stretch our imaginations.

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra
Nuggets dog chow for my loyal pet, Katie, and was in the checkout line when
woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up
in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

-- Doug, New Mexico.......the only stupid question is one that is never asked!........don't fix it, if it ain't broke!


19 replies so far

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Abbott

2570 posts in 2765 days


#1 posted 02-02-2010 06:43 PM

HILARIOUS!!! That reminds me of me :) I was at Target with my wife a couple of days ago, she was in the checkout line and I was wandering around the checkout area lost in thought of what I was going to do when we got out of there. One of the Cashiers thought I was older and senile and asked “Sir, are you ok, do you need help finding something?” I replied “No ma’am, I’m just a bit lost and looking for my mom”. At the next isle over my wife turned beet red and the cashier and folks in line starting chuckling, the poor lady who asked looked like she still hadn’t figured it out as my wife finished up her shopping and we walked out.

-- Ohh mann...pancakes and boobies...I'll bet that's what Heaven is like! ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣

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CharlieM1958

16241 posts in 3680 days


#2 posted 02-02-2010 06:43 PM

Classic. I’ve heard it before, but I still laughed out loud.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

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PetVet

329 posts in 2949 days


#3 posted 02-02-2010 06:56 PM

My wife and I were in line, she was buying a box of GasEx. I looked at the price of it, and said “Wow, this stuff is expensive”. Without missing a beat my wife said “the cost of gas is going up”. The entire line cracked up.

-- Rich in Richmond -- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

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Leslie

44 posts in 2515 days


#4 posted 02-02-2010 07:27 PM

We used to buy duct tape at Sam’s 200 rolls at a time (I have a plaster co.). I fellow ask why so much tape I told him I had a roof leek. He beleved me. Then a lady came up and ask the same thing and I told her that my kids were imposibale to control. She truned and was gone. As I was loading the tape in the truck a cop pulls up with the women going “she’s the one get her”. The officer gets out like he is ready to take me down and I scream I was just kiding I don’t have any kids. Thank God the man I had told about a roof leak showed up.

-- Leslie, TX

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Raspar

246 posts in 2610 days


#5 posted 02-02-2010 09:06 PM

And here is your sign…

-- Have thy tools ready. God will find thee work.

View degoose's profile

degoose

7196 posts in 2816 days


#6 posted 02-02-2010 09:54 PM

You know you are a redneck when…....

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...

View bobkberg's profile

bobkberg

420 posts in 2535 days


#7 posted 02-02-2010 10:49 PM

Yes – old joke, but GREAT delivery! Sometimes using the widest possible shovel is the key to success.

-- Bob www.singularengineering.com - A sideline, not how I earn a living

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reggiek

2240 posts in 2732 days


#8 posted 02-02-2010 11:07 PM

I think that goes under Bill Engval’s “here’s your sign” – for idiots that ask a question about something that is glaringly obvious….I had a guy at the hardware store ask me if I was doing a little painting when I was standing in line with a can of water seal and some brushes. I had to bite my tongue before sarcastically replying, “no…I soak my dog in it to keep her from getting wet when it rains”.....”here’s your sign”..LOL

-- Woodworking.....My small slice of heaven!

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Sawkerf

1730 posts in 2530 days


#9 posted 02-02-2010 11:09 PM

Several years ago when #2 daughter was still in her teens, we were in the checkout line at the grocery store when a very large lady’s beeper went off. Completely bypassing my (alleged) mind, my mouth immediately went into overdrive, and I loudly said “Run for your life, she’s backing up!!”

There was dead silence for a few seconds, then people started cracking up with laughter. #2 daughter was looking at me in total disbelief while she tried to decide whether to laugh or act like she had never seen me before in her life.

-- Adversity doesn't build character...................it reveals it.

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patron

13535 posts in 2803 days


#10 posted 02-03-2010 02:02 AM

i took the sissy rack of my suv ,
and had a welded rack made with sides ,
and tie down cleats every where on it .
( 50”wide for sheet goods ) , and carry
all my job site materials that way .
if i’m lucky enough to get some help loading ,
these guys ask ,
” where would you like to put it ” ?
( some times 20 foot boards ) !

” well , if you can put it in the glove box ,
that would be nice ,
just let me see how you do it ,
as i have to unload by myself ” !

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

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Sawkerf

1730 posts in 2530 days


#11 posted 02-03-2010 03:12 AM

David -

One of my favorites is when I’m buying something and they ask me which credit card I would like to use. There’s usually a moment of stunned silence when I respond…......”Can I use yours?”

-- Adversity doesn't build character...................it reveals it.

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fredf

495 posts in 3172 days


#12 posted 02-05-2010 04:06 AM

David—

I LOVE it! —consider it appropriated!

-- Fred, Springfield, Ma

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blackcherry

3313 posts in 3285 days


#13 posted 02-05-2010 05:30 AM

My son when he was two years of age was such a one liner and this one I ‘ll share. We at the grocery store in the middle of the cereal isle. He looking around for his favorite cereal when along come a lady weighing well over 300 lbs. He finally look up and make eye contact with the on coming costumer and yell at me “Dad would you take a look at that” I look to see what up and all I can say is son let go get some ice cream.

View Bob Kollman's profile

Bob Kollman

1798 posts in 2653 days


#14 posted 03-08-2010 02:05 AM

So the penalty in new mexico for sniffing an irsh setters butt is to be hit by a car?

-- Bob Kenosha Wi.

View nmkidd's profile

nmkidd

758 posts in 2635 days


#15 posted 03-08-2010 03:26 PM

Bob…...probably better than going to the city pound!

-- Doug, New Mexico.......the only stupid question is one that is never asked!........don't fix it, if it ain't broke!

showing 1 through 15 of 19 replies

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