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Forum topic by toolman posted 01-22-2010 10:24 PM 1352 views 1 time favorited 3 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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toolman

45 posts in 3067 days


01-22-2010 10:24 PM

A power tool definition on the lighter side of humor:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying

-- Toolman - http://www.professional-power-tool-guide.com


3 replies so far

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Dusty56

11806 posts in 3152 days


#1 posted 01-23-2010 07:09 AM

That’ll teach ya not to drink and operate machinery very quickly ! Or Not ….depending on your ignorance level.

-- I'm absolutely positive that I couldn't be more uncertain!

View lcurrent's profile

lcurrent

123 posts in 3279 days


#2 posted 01-23-2010 07:59 PM

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, shit!”

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

A tool used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well when the contents of the carton is upholstered seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

-- lcurrent ( It's not a mistake till you run out of wood )

View Dennisgrosen's profile

Dennisgrosen

10850 posts in 2579 days


#3 posted 01-23-2010 08:33 PM

CHAINSAW:

a device occassenly used to split heads in two when they cickback

CHISEL:

A handtool that used to test how hard your leg- muscle are and to see what colour the blod has
can bee used as a screwdriver ,canopener,scraper

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