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Forum topic by Innovator posted 01-03-2010 04:35 PM 1433 views 0 times favorited 14 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Innovator

3584 posts in 2159 days


01-03-2010 04:35 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name.. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F
%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f
%^ing wierdos can kiss my ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B
tch from Hll!!!

Company Memo *
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!


14 replies so far

View CharlieM1958's profile

CharlieM1958

15786 posts in 2964 days


#1 posted 01-03-2010 04:38 PM

I laughed my @ss off the first time I saw this! Working at a liberal university where political correctness is always in play, it really rings true for me.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27251 posts in 2568 days


#2 posted 01-03-2010 04:43 PM

That was cute. A little humor is always a good way to start the day.

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View Innovator's profile

Innovator

3584 posts in 2159 days


#3 posted 01-03-2010 04:44 PM

Me too Charlie, which was about 10 minutes ago.

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

View Cantputjamontoast's profile

Cantputjamontoast

341 posts in 2178 days


#4 posted 01-03-2010 05:00 PM

As a fat guy I’m offended!!!!!

Time to go and flip cars, light tires on fire, call the ACLU,and get a jelly donut so I can fell better about myself while I eat it.

-- "Not skilled enough to wipe jam on toast!"

View john's profile

john

2319 posts in 3127 days


#5 posted 01-03-2010 05:02 PM

Now that,s funny !! :)

-- John in Belgrave (Website) http://www.extremebirdhouse.com , http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=112698715866

View Innovator's profile

Innovator

3584 posts in 2159 days


#6 posted 01-03-2010 07:01 PM

I appreciate your point Cantput….

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

View papadan's profile

papadan

1156 posts in 2114 days


#7 posted 01-03-2010 07:11 PM

cantput, if ya calm down, i will give you my toast! My sincere apologies to Miss Lewis for my complaints about the Gay table. LMAO

-- Carpenter assembles with hands, Designer builds with brains, Artist creates with heart!

View jockmike2's profile

jockmike2

10635 posts in 2992 days


#8 posted 01-03-2010 07:33 PM

Hey Charlie try working with a bunch of Social Working Professionals, they are the worst. This really rings true with them. I just about crapped my pants when I read this because for 12 years I BTDT. It was insane.

-- (You just have to please the man in the Mirror) Mike from Michigan -

View BlankMan's profile

BlankMan

1487 posts in 2099 days


#9 posted 01-03-2010 07:36 PM

LOL Ain’t it the truth. :) Ah the days when there was no Politically Correctness… :)

-- -Curt, Milwaukee, WI

View Roger Clark aka Rex's profile

Roger Clark aka Rex

6940 posts in 2181 days


#10 posted 01-03-2010 08:01 PM

Love it

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

View majeagle1's profile

majeagle1

1418 posts in 2242 days


#11 posted 01-03-2010 08:18 PM

Fantastic and sometimes oh so true !!!

-- Gene, Majestic Eagle Woodworks, http://majesticeagleww.etsy.com/, http://www.flickr.com/photos/majesticeagle/

View degoose's profile

degoose

7051 posts in 2101 days


#12 posted 01-04-2010 12:08 AM

PC has really gone too far.

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...

View Dennisgrosen's profile

Dennisgrosen

10850 posts in 1861 days


#13 posted 01-04-2010 12:28 AM

ah the day is safed once again
ThankĀ“s

Dennis

View Innovator's profile

Innovator

3584 posts in 2159 days


#14 posted 01-04-2010 05:07 AM

Amen to that Dennis

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

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