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Best Puns of the year.

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Forum topic by Karson posted 12-31-2009 01:50 AM 6408 views 0 times favorited 15 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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Karson

34891 posts in 3096 days


12-31-2009 01:50 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Best Puns of the Year

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off his circulation. She replied, “That’s what it is supposed to do.”

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.

A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on “Science & Nature.” Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a minute or two and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

The patient is adamant. “Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans…” “What makes you think you need all these?” ” Well,” replied the patient, “My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganised.”

The policeman couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw a woman drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and shouted, “Pull over!” “No,” the women yelled back cheerfully, “Socks!”

I was in the waiting room of my doctor’s office the other day when the doctor started yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!” I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under “Reason unable to work,” she wrote: “Can’t stand to cook.”

I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, “Well, you just go ask Mom. She’ll tell you it’s much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an Angel!”

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, “You know, Benny’s a walking economy.” His friend replies, “How so?” “His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression.”

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He replied, “I left my job because of illness and fatigue.” A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened. Turns out my neighbor’s boss got sick and tired of him.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware karson_morrison@bigfoot.com †


15 replies so far

View lew's profile

lew

10100 posts in 2450 days


#1 posted 12-31-2009 02:24 AM

OOOHHH, Karson!

-- Lew- Time traveler. Purveyor of the Universe's finest custom rolling pins.

View patron's profile

patron

13110 posts in 2036 days


#2 posted 12-31-2009 02:27 AM

the way it really is …
thanks for the laughs , karson .

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

View rikkor's profile

rikkor

11295 posts in 2570 days


#3 posted 12-31-2009 03:14 AM

A frog hops into a bank and asks for a loan. He is ushered in to see the loan officer, Ms. Mack. She has him fill out all the appropriate forms. As she is reviewing them she asks what he has for collateral. The frog hands her an object that she doesn’t recognize. Not wishing to appear ignorant, she excuses herself and goes to the bank manager’s office. She explaines the dillemma, shows him the object, and asks if he knows what it is.

He says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Mack, give the frog a loan.”

View poopiekat's profile

poopiekat

3685 posts in 2429 days


#4 posted 12-31-2009 03:19 AM

I sent ten great puns to a national pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

-- Einstein: "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." I'm Poopiekat!!

View itsme_timd's profile

itsme_timd

688 posts in 2526 days


#5 posted 12-31-2009 04:24 AM

HAHAHA, good stuff! I LOL’d at the one with the doctor ‘calling the shots’. :-)

-- Tim D. - Woodstock, GA

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

112361 posts in 2272 days


#6 posted 12-31-2009 04:33 AM

A real kick karson thanks

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View Roger Clark aka Rex's profile

Roger Clark aka Rex

6940 posts in 2130 days


#7 posted 12-31-2009 04:56 AM

Karson: You must have had a lot of fortune cookies!
The medical profession has at last offcially designated lesbianism as “Strapadictome”

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

View Roger Clark aka Rex's profile

Roger Clark aka Rex

6940 posts in 2130 days


#8 posted 12-31-2009 05:07 AM

The hooker had to leave the leper colony as business was dropping off.
Also at a card game in the same colony, one guy threw his hand in and another laughed so much his head rolled off.
There is no such thing as Rape: A woman with her skirt up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
A woman came running out of wooded area shouting Grape, Grape. A man came to her aid and said surely you mean Rape, but the woman replied – there was a bunch of them.
Love: A fellow feeling. Hate: Another fellow feeling.

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

View Innovator's profile

Innovator

3584 posts in 2108 days


#9 posted 12-31-2009 03:32 PM

Pretty good Karson!

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

View Dennisgrosen's profile

Dennisgrosen

10850 posts in 1810 days


#10 posted 12-31-2009 03:48 PM

thank´s for the laugh

and happy new year

Dennis

View shopdog's profile

shopdog

562 posts in 2181 days


#11 posted 12-31-2009 04:05 PM

A hungry Buddhist monk goes up to a hot dog vendor and says “make me one with everything”

-- Steve-- http://www.urbanexteriors.biz

View cabinetmaster's profile

cabinetmaster

10874 posts in 2253 days


#12 posted 12-31-2009 05:51 PM

ROTFLMAO Thanks Karson for the laughs. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

View nmkidd's profile

nmkidd

758 posts in 1868 days


#13 posted 12-31-2009 06:07 PM

A nice jolly way to end the year…...thanks Karson

-- Doug, New Mexico.......the only stupid question is one that is never asked!........don't fix it, if it ain't broke!

View miles125's profile

miles125

2179 posts in 2701 days


#14 posted 12-31-2009 06:07 PM

A dyslexic man walks into a bra…:)

-- "The way to make a small fortune in woodworking- start with a large one"

View ward63's profile

ward63

324 posts in 1782 days


#15 posted 12-31-2009 06:37 PM

Nice post, Karson. And a Happy New Year to all.

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