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Forum topic by degoose posted 1667 days ago 797 views 0 times favorited 15 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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degoose

6958 posts in 1939 days


1667 days ago

Topic tags/keywords: medical humor

For those who have been there.

Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:
======================
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Alice Springs . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY ARSE!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of AUSTRALIA’S enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result’.
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts; the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’I said. And then it was time; the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea! Really! I slept through it! One moment, ABBA was yelling, ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!’

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all.

13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...


15 replies so far

View lew's profile

lew

9918 posts in 2340 days


#1 posted 1667 days ago

Too funny…

Thanks, Larry!! I think I’ll put this fun experience off a little longer!

-- Lew- Time traveler. Purveyor of the Universe's finest custom rolling pins.

View Greg The Cajun Box Sculptor's profile

Greg The Cajun Box Sculptor

4898 posts in 1893 days


#2 posted 1667 days ago

I took the same type mixture years ago when I had outpaitent orthoscopic surgery for a hernia repair. It’s true…It’s all true! Every blast, every squirt.

-- Every step of each project is considered my masterpiece because I want the finished product to reflect the quality of my work.

View cabinetmaster's profile

cabinetmaster

10874 posts in 2143 days


#3 posted 1667 days ago

ROTFLMAO., Thanks Lazy Larry. That was my laugh of the day. You’re one up on me now…...........LOL

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

View patron's profile

patron

12947 posts in 1926 days


#4 posted 1667 days ago

sounds like a real nuts and bolts description ,

from the other end !

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

View PurpLev's profile

PurpLev

8475 posts in 2233 days


#5 posted 1667 days ago

that was awesome, I was balling here…

-- ㊍ When in doubt - There is no doubt - Go the safer route.

View Innovator's profile

Innovator

3584 posts in 1998 days


#6 posted 1667 days ago

Awesome Larry, Thanks

-- Whether You Think You Can or You Think You Can't, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!

View Kent Shepherd's profile

Kent Shepherd

2694 posts in 1871 days


#7 posted 1667 days ago

You, my friend, are totally nuts—-thats why we love you. Keep the funny stuff coming.

Once again, thanks for sharing.

-- She thought I hung the moon--now she just thinks I did it wrong

View Dusty56's profile

Dusty56

11638 posts in 2272 days


#8 posted 1666 days ago

as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.”
Amazingly accurate description from what I can remember before the sleepy time drugs kicked in , Larry : )
Thanks for the flash back …or should that be flush back ! ?

-- I'm absolutely positive that I couldn't be more uncertain!

View Pete_Jud's profile

Pete_Jud

423 posts in 2337 days


#9 posted 1666 days ago

After going through 2 of them now, and on the calender for the next one, I had to LoL. The first time they used the date rape drug “rooffes” the xecond time was another. Not looking forward to the next one. And that snake looks very long.

-- Life is to short to own an ugly boat.

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

111999 posts in 2162 days


#10 posted 1666 days ago

wild and crazy

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View zlatanv's profile

zlatanv

689 posts in 1819 days


#11 posted 1666 days ago

Too funny! Every time I go to the doc they tell me I see your over fourty and you haven’t had a colonoscopy yet,..... but i don’t know hows that going to help my headache?

-- Z, Rockwall, TX

View stefang's profile

stefang

12405 posts in 1919 days


#12 posted 1666 days ago

A good laugh, but why would any doctor want to specialize in that field? Maybe they are just starting from the bottom?

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View blockhead's profile

blockhead

1450 posts in 1893 days


#13 posted 1666 days ago

That was hilarious! Mostly because I haven’t had one yet, I’m sure. It sure doesn’t give much to look forward to. I guess a not too far off project will be installing that seatbelt on the john. It sounds like it may need to be a 3 point harness.

-- Brad, Oregon- The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

View FirehouseWoodworking's profile

FirehouseWoodworking

620 posts in 1858 days


#14 posted 1666 days ago

If you weren’t crying from laughing so hard when you read that, there is seriously something wrong with you!

I remember asking the nurse to go out in the parking lot and look for my dignity as I had obviously lost it before coming into the office!

-- Dave; Lansing, Kansas

View woodsmithshop's profile

woodsmithshop

1096 posts in 2130 days


#15 posted 1666 days ago

it is all true, I know, from experience.

-- Smitty!!!

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