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Forum topic by WoodSparky posted 12-09-2009 02:51 AM 1222 views 0 times favorited 8 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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WoodSparky

200 posts in 2567 days


12-09-2009 02:51 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, shit!”

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER
:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a btch TOOL*:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
“Son of a bitch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.

-- So Many tools, So little time


8 replies so far

View degoose's profile

degoose

7196 posts in 2820 days


#1 posted 12-09-2009 03:19 AM

An oldie but a goody [quietly chuckling to ones self.]

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...

View albachippie's profile

albachippie

758 posts in 2501 days


#2 posted 02-04-2010 02:41 PM

not so quietly chuckling to myself! not heard these before

-- Garry fae Bonnie Scotland - https://www.facebook.com/pages/Garry-Macdonald-Woodwork/425518554215355?ref=hl

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

115202 posts in 3043 days


#3 posted 02-05-2010 08:55 AM

Fun stuff

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View Jeison's profile

Jeison

951 posts in 2573 days


#4 posted 02-05-2010 09:37 AM

\o/

-- - Jei, Rockford IL - When in doubt, spray it with WD-40 and wrap it with duct tape. The details will attend to themselves.

View bobkberg's profile

bobkberg

420 posts in 2539 days


#5 posted 02-05-2010 10:58 PM

My stomach hurts from laughing. I would guess that the hose cutter and the skill saw were designed by the same person – because of the similar purpose.

I didn’t laugh as hard at the bandsaw one – I’ve cut on the wrong side of that line too often….

Thanks for sharing….

-- Bob www.singularengineering.com - A sideline, not how I earn a living

View Padre's profile

Padre

930 posts in 2954 days


#6 posted 02-06-2010 12:16 AM

:) Very good.

-- Chip -----------http://www.penmanchip.com-----------------Micah 6:8

View Todd46's profile

Todd46

57 posts in 2516 days


#7 posted 02-06-2010 12:29 AM

rolling on the floor
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

-- toddmoore@conconcorp.com

View Dennis Fletcher's profile

Dennis Fletcher

467 posts in 2520 days


#8 posted 02-06-2010 03:44 PM

I love it, man, my sides hurt.

-- http://www.ahomespecialist.net, Making design and application one. †

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