Another Rib tickler I had to share

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Forum topic by WoodSparky posted 12-09-2009 02:51 AM 1215 views 0 times favorited 8 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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200 posts in 2521 days

12-09-2009 02:51 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, shit!”

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race..

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

A tool used to make hoses too short.

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a btch TOOL*:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
“Son of a bitch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.

-- So Many tools, So little time

8 replies so far

View degoose's profile


7193 posts in 2774 days

#1 posted 12-09-2009 03:19 AM

An oldie but a goody [quietly chuckling to ones self.]

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ For lovers of all things timber...

View albachippie's profile


757 posts in 2454 days

#2 posted 02-04-2010 02:41 PM

not so quietly chuckling to myself! not heard these before

-- Garry fae Bonnie Scotland -

View a1Jim's profile


115171 posts in 2996 days

#3 posted 02-05-2010 08:55 AM

Fun stuff

-- Custom furniture

View Jeison's profile


951 posts in 2527 days

#4 posted 02-05-2010 09:37 AM


-- - Jei, Rockford IL - When in doubt, spray it with WD-40 and wrap it with duct tape. The details will attend to themselves.

View bobkberg's profile


420 posts in 2492 days

#5 posted 02-05-2010 10:58 PM

My stomach hurts from laughing. I would guess that the hose cutter and the skill saw were designed by the same person – because of the similar purpose.

I didn’t laugh as hard at the bandsaw one – I’ve cut on the wrong side of that line too often….

Thanks for sharing….

-- Bob - A sideline, not how I earn a living

View Padre's profile


930 posts in 2908 days

#6 posted 02-06-2010 12:16 AM

:) Very good.

-- Chip ----------- 6:8

View Todd46's profile


57 posts in 2469 days

#7 posted 02-06-2010 12:29 AM

rolling on the floor


View Dennis Fletcher's profile

Dennis Fletcher

467 posts in 2473 days

#8 posted 02-06-2010 03:44 PM

I love it, man, my sides hurt.

--, Making design and application one. †

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