Chili Judge (my favorite story)

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Forum topic by Karson posted 11-26-2009 03:59 PM 1597 views 0 times favorited 10 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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35152 posts in 4638 days

11-26-2009 03:59 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

Degoose: Larry posted a forum entry called Chilli Anyone

This is my favorite Chili Contest story.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.


Chili Judge

Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron

===> Please do not remove the copyright from this essay! <===

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.
She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it’s kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she
wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late. Tell our children I’m sorry I was not there to conceive them. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Appomattox Virginia †

10 replies so far

View lew's profile


12500 posts in 3993 days

#1 posted 11-26-2009 04:13 PM

Hilarious, Karson!!

-- Lew- Time traveler. Purveyor of the Universe's finest custom rolling pins.

View patron's profile


13641 posts in 3578 days

#2 posted 11-26-2009 04:26 PM

thanks karson ,
around here ,
they slip chili into everything !

you woudn’t have sally’s address would you ?
i need to move my 20” planer .

have a great thanks giving too !

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

View cabinetmaster's profile


10874 posts in 3795 days

#3 posted 11-26-2009 07:37 PM

ROTFLMAO…................ that’s hilarious. Thanks for the laugh Karson and HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

-- Jerry--A man can never have enough tools or clamps

View pommy's profile


1697 posts in 3929 days

#4 posted 11-26-2009 07:44 PM

Just what i needed after a hard days work thanks karson that was Hilarious and merry Christmas to you and family

-- cut it saw it scrap it SKPE: ANDREW.CARTER69

View a1Jim's profile


117417 posts in 3814 days

#5 posted 11-26-2009 07:50 PM

That’s great Karson , couldn’t stop laughing ,have a very Happy Thanksgiving

-- wood crafting & woodworking classes

View reggiek's profile


2240 posts in 3507 days

#6 posted 11-26-2009 08:02 PM

It was hard to stop laughing enough to type this….I grew up eating spicey foods….so I prob would be like the first 2 judges….but I know a lot of judge #3’s….hehe…

Happy Thanksgiving to you alll…..and thanks again Karson for the good humor

-- Woodworking.....My small slice of heaven!

View  annie 's profile


12 posts in 3529 days

#7 posted 11-26-2009 08:07 PM

OMG, this is too funny! I almost pee…whoops, sorry, but, yeah, this is a beaut! Happy Thanksgiving!!

-- annie

View degoose's profile


7245 posts in 3592 days

#8 posted 11-26-2009 09:24 PM

Now see what you have got us into.

-- Don't drink and use power tools @

View dustbunny's profile


1149 posts in 3532 days

#9 posted 11-27-2009 02:57 AM

After Thanksgiving dinner, I passed around the lap top for everyone to read the chili stories.
Thanks to both of you for the hilarious stories, they were a great topper for turkey dinner.


-- Imagination rules the world. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte ~

View nmkidd's profile


758 posts in 3410 days

#10 posted 11-27-2009 05:24 AM

Chili is a staple in my house…...sorta addictive…...great story….I personally know at least 3 number 3 judges.

Happy Thanksgiving

-- Doug, New Mexico.......the only stupid question is one that is never asked!........don't fix it, if it ain't broke!

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