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Chilli anyone?

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Forum topic by degoose posted 11-10-2009 07:33 AM 1154 views 2 times favorited 17 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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degoose

7196 posts in 2817 days


11-10-2009 07:33 AM

Topic tags/keywords: humor chilli

If you don’t laugh at this there is something seriously wrong with you

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. Names have been changed to protect the innocent…

Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture…funny stuff.
.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to s**t yourself’
Road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal
Tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The
Peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he
Could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few
Folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of
What is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
‘Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,
‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Wal-mart.
I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

-- Drink twice... and don't bother to cut... @ lazylarrywoodworks.com.au For lovers of all things timber...


17 replies so far

View longgone's profile

longgone

5688 posts in 2770 days


#1 posted 11-10-2009 07:49 AM

And I thought I was the fartmaster

View a1Jim's profile

a1Jim

115202 posts in 3039 days


#2 posted 11-10-2009 08:03 AM

You win Larry I could not even breath supper funny stuff.

-- http://artisticwoodstudio.com Custom furniture

View stefang's profile

stefang

15512 posts in 2796 days


#3 posted 11-10-2009 11:57 AM

We have all been there. Good laugh Larry.

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View Scott Bryan's profile

Scott Bryan

27251 posts in 3284 days


#4 posted 11-10-2009 01:30 PM

Larry, this was cute. Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh.

By the way I had to share this with my wife who nearly ended up rolling on the floor laughing. :)

-- Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful- Joshua Marine

View dustbunny's profile

dustbunny

1149 posts in 2757 days


#5 posted 11-10-2009 02:39 PM

Roaring with laughter !!
This reminds me of the time my husband made 15 bean soup, delicious, I was out of work for two days. Funny now, but very painful at the time.

Thanks for the laugh.

Lisa

-- Imagination rules the world. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte ~ http://quiltedwood.com

View CharlieM1958's profile

CharlieM1958

16241 posts in 3680 days


#6 posted 11-10-2009 03:12 PM

Well, you had me believing it right up until the end. Nobody gets thrown out of Wal Mart! :-)

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View Karson's profile

Karson

35035 posts in 3862 days


#7 posted 11-10-2009 07:01 PM

Chilli is always better the next day, The flavors blend together. I always want my Chilli at least a day old.

But, even I don’t think I want this chilli.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Southern Delaware soon moving to Virginia karsonwm@gmail.com †

View grizzman's profile

grizzman

7796 posts in 2765 days


#8 posted 11-10-2009 07:16 PM

ahhhhhh…so that is why you shaved…......butt i dont think it will help…lol

-- GRIZZMAN ...[''''']

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whitedog

652 posts in 2919 days


#9 posted 11-10-2009 07:18 PM

good one charlie

-- Paul , Calfornia

View jockmike2's profile

jockmike2

10635 posts in 3709 days


#10 posted 11-10-2009 07:24 PM

Good one Larry, the older I get the harder, or weaker I should say, it is to hold all that in so I know what you are talking about. Very funny though buddy. I just about s* my pant reading it.

-- (You just have to please the man in the Mirror) Mike from Michigan -

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jockmike2

10635 posts in 3709 days


#11 posted 11-10-2009 07:26 PM

Good one Larry, the older I get the harder, or weaker I should say, it is to hold all that in, so I know what you are talking about. Very funny though buddy. I just about s* my pants reading it.

-- (You just have to please the man in the Mirror) Mike from Michigan -

View Kindlingmaker's profile

Kindlingmaker

2656 posts in 2988 days


#12 posted 11-10-2009 08:31 PM

You’re right, I couldn’t help it, tearing of laughter running…

-- Never board, always knotty, lots of growth rings

View sikrap's profile

sikrap

1121 posts in 2821 days


#13 posted 11-10-2009 08:47 PM

LMAO!!!! That is great!!

-- Dave, Colonie, NY

View blackcherry's profile

blackcherry

3313 posts in 3285 days


#14 posted 11-11-2009 04:31 AM

To funny Larry thanks, might have to brew up a pot over the week end….Blkcherry

View SnowyRiver's profile

SnowyRiver

51452 posts in 2942 days


#15 posted 11-11-2009 06:30 AM

Ha ha ha…thats great!

-- Wayne - Plymouth MN

showing 1 through 15 of 17 replies

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