To Drink Or Not To Drink

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Forum topic by degoose posted 11-06-2009 12:35 PM 1635 views 1 time favorited 46 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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7234 posts in 3382 days

11-06-2009 12:35 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

The Value of a Drink

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re
going to feel all day. ”
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
“Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some ! it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

-- Don't drink and use power tools @

46 replies so far

View CedarFreakCarl's profile


594 posts in 4081 days

#1 posted 11-06-2009 01:09 PM

By that reasoning, I should be a genius!

-- Carl Rast, Pelion, SC

View 's profile

593 posts in 4000 days

#2 posted 11-06-2009 01:57 PM

I know this is the Coffee Lounge but ‘d be careful when choosing the subjects of your humor, degoose. Many of us know that some very talented LJ members are recovering alcoholics. They are open about it and can be checked in their profile but I don’t think they’d particularly appreciate.

It seems this is a serious matter that can be life changing…

View Moron's profile


5032 posts in 3921 days

#3 posted 11-06-2009 02:06 PM

ditto the above

-- "Good artists borrow, great artists steal”…..Picasso

View cowdog80's profile


32 posts in 3174 days

#4 posted 11-06-2009 03:44 PM

Youngman’s quote is one of my favorites


View eddy's profile


939 posts in 3392 days

#5 posted 11-06-2009 03:58 PM

funny stuff i have to pass this on

-- self proclaimed copycat

View PurpLev's profile


8536 posts in 3676 days

#6 posted 11-06-2009 04:16 PM

lighten up guys, these are funny quotes from famous people, nothing new, nothing that advertises drinking, it’s a joke.

cliff and norm were the best!

-- ㊍ When in doubt - There is no doubt - Go the safer route.

View CharlieM1958's profile


16275 posts in 4246 days

#7 posted 11-06-2009 04:29 PM

Oh my gosh….as one one of the recovering alcoholics here, I can assure you all that no offense is taken on my part. Even though I’ve heard most of these before, they are still funny as hell. Just because I quit drinking doesn’t mean I quit having a sense of humor.

Besides… I encourage people who can drink to do so as often as possible. Considering how much I used to drink, my quitting had quite a negative effect on the economy. I’d like to keep all the brewers, distillers, delivery drivers, bartenders, and convenience store clerks at work. So since I can’t contribute to that effort, the rest of you guys need to pull some extra weight. :-)

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View PurpLev's profile


8536 posts in 3676 days

#8 posted 11-06-2009 04:45 PM

Charlie – I’m pretty sure you can send your suppport checks to the breweries, I have a feeling they won’t say “no” ;)

-- ㊍ When in doubt - There is no doubt - Go the safer route.

View CharlieM1958's profile


16275 posts in 4246 days

#9 posted 11-06-2009 04:49 PM

I tried that, but the IRS wouldn’t allow me to claim it as a charitable donation.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View blockhead's profile


1475 posts in 3336 days

#10 posted 11-06-2009 05:03 PM

Good stuff LL!
I’m with you socalwood.
That’s too funny Charlie!

-- Brad, Oregon- The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

View Ken90712's profile


17563 posts in 3216 days

#11 posted 11-06-2009 05:17 PM

I concur. What have we become when we can’t have humor? I loved it Degoose I think the weak brain cells deserve to die. I fact, I have a T-shirt that says so.

What’s next, talk off, ” in god we trust ” on our currency? Oops we that, it offended some groups living in the United States. If we can’t laugh what else do we have? I mean Mr. Bush is not doing speeches on TV any more. So we must make jokes else where!

God Bless America & Down Under Mate!

-- Ken, "Everyday above ground is a good day!"

View Kent Shepherd's profile

Kent Shepherd

2718 posts in 3314 days

#12 posted 11-06-2009 06:09 PM

Gee, now I remember why I don’t drink.

Most of it is funny and sad all at the same time.

Thanks Larry


View woodsmithshop's profile


1319 posts in 3573 days

#13 posted 11-06-2009 06:17 PM

I think “Political Correctness” goes way too far

-- Smitty!!!

View stefang's profile


15881 posts in 3362 days

#14 posted 11-06-2009 07:01 PM

I liked the brain cell one best, but what do you do if you only have weak ones?

-- Mike, an American living in Norway.

View CharlieM1958's profile


16275 posts in 4246 days

#15 posted 11-06-2009 07:08 PM

Mike, then ALL your brain cells die and your only option is to run for political office.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

showing 1 through 15 of 46 replies

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